Episode 34: The Tongue is an Excellent Aid in CPR (Feat. Chloe Tempest)
We cannot wait for the predictions on this one… remember you need to tweet them at us!! This episode is featuring Sequoia’s very own sister, Chloe Tempest. Watch out for the V.A.S.T podcast, coming to a podcast aggregator near you soon!
Recommendation: Crossword Puzzles
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/826055/1/Crossword-Puzzles
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Brianna
Transcriber: Jemsss
Transcriber: Leen
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Sequoia: Cool. [laughs]
Kim: I was working out… I was working out at the gym the other day, and I had The Voice on the little treadmill TV, and that show does not work if you are not listening.
Sequoia: I MEAN! [Kim laughs] Fucking yeah! [both laugh] [both sigh] Great.
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/ You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: That's true! [laughs]
Sequoia: Great. Good. [laughs]
Kim: Oh right, I say, it's our podcast about Harry Potter fanfiction.
Sequoia: It is our podcast about Harry Potter fanfiction. And you know what? You know what?
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Boys and girls.
Kim: Oh, not me? [laughs]
Sequoia: So here's the thing, is like, they already know. They, you, the listener. You already know that there's a special guest today, ‘cause I'm gonna put it in the title.
Kim: Feat…
Sequoia: Feat. This…
Kim: …whomever.
Sequoia: [laughs] This episode of Fanatical Fics is featuring my sister, Chloe Tempest. Hi, Chloe.
Kim: Hi, Chloe!
Chloe: Hi. Hi podcast. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: Welcome to the show.
Kim: Yeah.
Chloe: Thank you for having me.
Sequoia: Great. You're doing a great job so far. I just want to… I just want to lift you up a little bit.
Kim: Yeah. [Sequoia laughs] This is all good. It’s all great.
Sequoia: So you've listened before to… to some episodes where we've had guests on? Yeah?
Chloe: Yeah.
Kim: Could I… could I ask you about you listening? I have a question. Why? [Sequoia laughs]
Chloe: Well, my sister is on the show.
Kim: Uh huh.
Chloe: So that's a big reason to start listening.
Kim: Huh.
Chloe: And also hilarity. Yeah, you need a little bit of that in your life.
Kim: All right, all right.
Chloe: Yeah.
Kim: My little brother sent me a Snapchat the other day. He was googling our name and I was like, don't be doing that. [Sequoia laughs] Don't be doing that.
Sequoia: Ah, our South Korea listens are up.
Kim: Oh no!
Sequoia: Yup. [laughs]
Kim: Stop listening to the podcast. That's him.
Sequoia: It is him. Yeah, we know. I know. [Kim laughs] Well, Chloe, we usually ask our guests a series of questions.
Kim: Each more difficult than the last.
Sequoia: [laughs] It's true. The last question is the hardest question. [Kim laughs] So we'll start out easy. What is your Hogwarts house?
Chloe: Okay, so I have always considered myself a Ravenclaw.
Kim: Sure.
Chloe: And when I took the first Pottermore test, I was sorted into Ravenclaw and then the update happened [Kim and Sequoia make understanding noises] and they gave me Gryffindor.
Kim: Bitches. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: How did… how did that make you feel?
Chloe: Betrayed. [Kim makes agreeing noises] [Sequoia laughs] It made me feel like I was somehow acting more vain. I was like, is this what college has done to me? [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: Yeah, Gryffindors are pretty self-centered.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: [whispering] Fuck Gryffindors.
Sequoia: Oh wow. Yeah, well, no Gryffindors here. So, I mean, I take it that you still, like, self-identify as a Ravenclaw, then?
Chloe: Yeah, I’m… I’m a Ravenclaw, but I had a little bit of an identity crisis there for a minute.
Kim: I think Pottermore did that to all of us a little bit. Did you get sorted into anything other than your house on Pottermore, Sequoia?
Sequoia: I’m… no. No.
Kim: Oh, you've always… just every time you've taken it?
Sequoia: So when I…
Kim: Slytherin all the way?
Sequoia: When I originally… well, when I originally took the first iteration…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …of the Pottermore quiz, I identified as a Ravenclaw, and got Ravenclaw.
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia: And when I took it the second time, I identified as a Slytherin and got Slytherin.
Kim: That’s weird.
Sequoia: Yeah. So I don’t…
Kim: ‘Cause I took it originally, in the original iteration, and I was a Hufflepuff, which, yeah sure, that’s fine.
Sequoia: Yeah, sure.
Kim: I like Hufflepuff. And I took the new one, and Slytherin, and I was like, oh.
Sequoia: Woah. Now, I don’t think… we… you never… I didn’t…
Kim: You didn’t know I’d retaken it?
Sequoia: I… I didn’t know that. I didn’t know.
Kim: Yeah. I mean okay, so I identify as a Ravenclaw but I am definitely a Pufflin.
Sequoia: [snickers] So you're definitely two houses that are not the house you identify with.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Great. This is great.
Kim: ‘Cause I’m so terrible. [Sequoia and Chloe laugh] Yet forgettable. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Wow. [Kim and Sequoia sigh] That was self deprecating. I liked it. [everyone laughs] Okay, great. So you are a Ravenclaw.
Chloe: Yes.
Sequoia: Excellent.
Chloe: Final answer.
Sequoia: Final answer.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Ravenclaw. Okay, so what’s your experience with fanfiction? Tell us about…
Kim: If any.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Or just your concept of what… what is…
Sequoia: What fanfiction is? Tell us about you and fanfiction.
Chloe: So when I was in, like, elementary school and you were writing fanfiction… [Kim laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah.
Chloe: …and reading a lot of fanfiction, I was like, I wanna be cool like Sequoia.
Kim: Oh no! [Sequoia laughs] Oh, this is such a sad story! [everyone laughs] I'm already sad.
Chloe: So I’m like, you know, trying to stay in her account if she hasn’t logged out, and read the fanfictions on her page, and at one point I made an account on, like, the Harry Potter website that has fanfiction and Sequoia saw it and she was like, no. [Sequoia and Kim laugh]
Sequoia: What? [they laugh even harder] I don't remember…
Kim: That’s terrible!
Sequoia: I don’t remember this.
Kim: Was it because you were too young, or she just…
Chloe: She was just like, stay out of my universe. This is my happy space.
Kim: Aw!
Sequoia: Aww! I’m sorry.
Chloe: So…
Kim: You’re so terrible, Sequoia.
Sequoia: [laughing] That’s bad. [Kim cackles]
Chloe: So I just stuck to sneaking into her secret spot…
Sequoia: Into my account.
Chloe: No, no, no.
Sequoia: I told you you couldn’t have an account, so okay. [Kim laughs]
Chloe: No, no, no.
Sequoia: Okay.
Chloe: Sneaking into your private spot, finding all those notebooks. [Sequoia and Kim gasp]
Kim: You read the notebooks?
Chloe: And reading all of those stories that Sequoia wrote.
Kim: Wow!
Sequoia: Oh my god. I am learning so much right now.
Kim: I… wow, that’s quite an experience in fanfiction to have. [laughs]
Chloe: Yeah, sitting there, heart beating, Sequoia better not walk in on me right now. [Sequoia laughs] I gotta know what happens between Luna and Harry. [Sequoia and Kim laugh]
Sequoia: Yeeees!
Kim: Oh my gosh, that’s amazing.
Sequoia: Wow! That’s great. [Kim cackles] So. [laughs] I don’t even know… I don’t even know where to go from this.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: I’m…
Kim: Your whole world’s been shaken a little bit?
Sequoia: Yeah, exactly.
Kim: So it was enjoyable? This stuff in the notebooks?
Chloe: It was great. Yeah.
Kim: Aw!
Sequoia: I appreciate that, ‘cause it was really bad. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Yeah, from what I’ve heard, it was something.
Sequoia: It was something, but thank you.
Kim: That’s such a sweet sister story, kind of. Except for how terrible you are.
Sequoia: Except that I’m a bitch? Yeah.
Kim: Yeah. [everyone laughs] You know, older siblings.
Sequoia: So now… what do you think of fanfiction now? Like, what are you… what…
Kim: Are you still sneaking into Sequoia’s account? She hasn’t written anything, I can tell you that.
Sequoia: I have written something. It comes out on Patreon tomorrow. So….
Kim: Tomorrow in podcast terms or tomorrow for us?
Sequoia: No, tomorrow for us.
Kim: Okay, so in the past.
Sequoia: By the time this comes out [Chloe laughs] there will be a fanfiction written by me, out on Patreon.
Kim: On our Patreon. Great!
Sequoia: Just saying.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: But also, like, what do you… what do you think of fanfiction? Like, if somebody’s like… if somebody were to come up to you and be like, hey, what's fanfiction? Like, what would you say?
Chloe: I would say it's a nerd thing.
Kim: True.
Sequoia: Okay, yeah. [Laughs] Valid. [Kim laughs]
Chloe: No, I think fanfiction is… is super cool. That people get to be creative with these universes that they’re so interested in. But I would never… I have never written any fanfiction. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Aw, ‘cause Sequoia wouldn’t let you?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Chloe: ‘Cause Sequoia would not let me, yeah. [Sequoia laughs harder]
Kim: Yeah, that makes sense. [laughs]
Sequoia: Valid.
Chloe: Yeah. Turned away at a young age. [Sequoia laughs] Very exclusive club. [Kim and Sequoia cackle]
Kim: If you were going to write fanfiction, what would your one true pairing be? In Harry Potter, I guess.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Or whatever. I don’t know.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: You got another OTP? Share it with us! [chuckles]
Chloe: Luna/Neville.
Kim: Oh!
Chloe: ‘Cause they’re the coolest characters.
Kim: That’s a great ship.
Sequoia: Nice.
Chloe: They’re the best.
Sequoia: Solid.
Kim: Any Neville ship. [Sequoia laughs] I’m on board.
Sequoia: We love Neville.
Kim: That’s a good ship.
Sequoia: Okay, so now, this brings us to the hardest questions.
Kim: Sure, the hardest question! [laughs]
Sequoia: Right. Is your… what’s your DTP?
Kim: Draco True Pairing.
Chloe: Now this one’s hard, because… it’s… I mean, I’ve… I’ve listened to the podcast. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: Oh no, we are coloring…
Sequoia: We are influencing… yeah. [laughs]
Kim: Oh, bad!
Chloe: But never, like, as a kid reading the books, would I ever have paired Draco with anyone. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: Because he is the [singing] woooorst!
Kim: Because he is terrible.
Chloe: So I guess I would pair him with the other worst character.
Kim: Good
Chloe: Harry Potter. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: Yeeees!
Kim: Yes. Correct.
Sequoia: Good.
Kim: That is the correct answer, why not. [more laughter]
Sequoia: Excellent.
Kim: Nice. All right, so we forgot to do some podcast business at the top.
Sequoia: Yeah, we’re doing it now, let’s go.
Kim: Okay, we have a new review on iTunes from…
Sequoia: Woohoo!
Kim: …Tweetyirish, and they say that we inspired them to start their own podcast!
Sequoia: What?!
Kim: So congratulations! Good luck!
Sequoia: Yeah! Tweet at us your… what your podcast is or something.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: Or send us an email, I wanna know what your podcast is. I wanna listen to your podcast.
Kim: I like podcasts. [chuckles]
Sequoia: Yeah. This is very cool. I feel… oh man, I hadn’t read that one yet! Aaah!
Kim: Yep, brand new!
Sequoia: What! Oh man!
Kim: Thanks for the review!
Sequoia: Thank you, you are great. All right!
Kim: Cool. That’s all.
Sequoia: Excellent. Excellent, excellent. So you're going to read some fanfiction today, correct?
Kim: That's true! I did find something. It's pretty short, so… you know, it's so hard to follow up that epic that I read before.
Sequoia: I know, I'm aware! [chuckles]
Kim: So I decided not to try. Just like you did.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Following in your f... [snorts]
Sequoia: Why would you do that? Why would you follow in MY footsteps?
Kim: ‘Cause… It’s fine, it’s fine. Whatever. Fuck it.
Sequoia: Okay. Okay, cool.
Kim: So I picked a really short cute story and I'm going to read it to both of you now.
Sequoia: Great. Wait, we gotta do predictions.
Kim: Yes, we do.
Sequoia: Chloe’s really excited about getting some pointportunities.
Chloe: I’m ready for the points. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Good. You might get ’em. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Chloe: I’m probably as good as my sister, so. [Sequoia laughs harder]
Kim: I mean, Sequoia and I are both terrible at this game.
Sequoia: Oh, we’re so bad.
Kim: Oh, and thanks to all of the listeners that tweeted at us about what a moron I am.
Sequoia: Yeah, it’s seventh year! Thanks everyone for backing me up on that.
Kim: It’s pretty obvious from the story.
Sequoia: Yup.
Kim: In my defense, I, uh… decaf coffee.
Sequoia: Great. [laughs]
Kim: I was dying, so…
Sequoia: Sure. Yup, fine.
Kim: Make fun of Sequoia! [Sequoia and Chloe laugh] All right. So listeners, tweet your predictions #FanficDivination and away we go!
Sequoia: [whispering] Here we go.
Kim: The title is The Tongue is an Excellent Aid in CPR. The genre is humor and romance. Sequoia…
Sequoia: Uhhhhhh…
Kim: …is making a great face.
Sequoia: Wow. It’s… there’s… it’s about to get French kissy up in this hizzouse. In the studio. Okay, so here’s the thing.
Kim: I really hope not.
Sequoia: [laughs] So here’s the thing.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: It’s definitely… like, you can’t… you can’t predict something that’s just, like, in the title.
Kim: In the title. Yeah.
Sequoia: Right? Which makes this very difficult. Okay.
Kim: Yes, it does.
Sequoia: So, also, what… [sighs] no, never mind. We’ll get into it, I’m sure. [laughs] Okay, so I am going to guess that this is… so you did let slip earlier that this came from a character specific search.
Kim: It did.
Sequoia: And I’m trying to think what specific character you…
Kim: Have been searching for?
Sequoia: … have been searching for.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: So I’m gonna say that this is a… I’m gonna say that this story is a Draco Malfoy/Millicent Bulstrode.
Kim: Great. [Sequoia laughs] I would search Millicent.
Sequoia: I’m going to say that the person needs CPR because something has gone wrong in Potions class.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: And then I’m going to say that this… this story takes place in the trio’s sixth year.
Kim: Great. Those are good.
Sequoia: All right. Thank you.
Kim: Those are fine.
Sequoia: I did some stuff. All right, Chloe. Your pointportunities await you.
Chloe: Okay. I take back all that excitement, it’s not going to happen. [Sequoia and Kim laugh]
Kim: It’s so hard. You’re sitting here in front of this microphone and you’re like, ah fuck. [More laughter]
Chloe: I’m gonna say that the CPR, if in fact there is CPR, takes place in the Great Hall.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Nice. With an audience. There we go.
Kim: Yeah. Lots of tongue. [Sequoia laughs]
Chloe: Um…
Kim: Breakfast and a show.
Sequoia: [laughs] Nice! [Kim sighs]
Chloe: Can I say that the… no. [Sequoia laughs] I wanted to guess that like, the… the main… none of the main characters would be the trio. Is that a…
Kim: Yeah, that’s fine.
Chloe: …a thing that we do?
Kim: Yeah, that’s a fine… yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Chloe: Okay. None of the main characters are the trio. And… there’s some sort of Fred and George shenanigan.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Nice! Those are really good!
Kim: Those are great.
Sequoia: Yeah. Oh no. [laughs]
Kim: Let’s get into it!
Chloe: Zero points.
Kim: Send those predictions to us.
Sequoia: [singing] Yes, send your predictions in!
Kim: And away we go. The Tongue is an Excellent Aid in CPR. You ready?
Sequoia: This fucking CPR. Okay.
Kim: The very first word, you’re not ready.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: James and Lily…
Sequoia: No! [Chloe and Kim laugh] Damn it [Kim cackles] [laughs] That’s two predictions out for me.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: God!
Kim: James and Lily were quietly studying for their Transfiguration final when Lily suddenly dropped her book and started making weird gestures with her hands. [Sequoia and Chloe laugh]
Kim: I’m thinking kind of this sort of thing.
Sequoia: Oh, like a bird. Is that a bird? That's a bird. Oh… it’s a bird. [Kim makes a high-pitched noise] [laughing] Oh no, and the bird is dying! [singing] visual bit! [Kim laughs] I’m going to put that on the sound board.
Kim: We do need that, yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Too often. Did I have a James voice? Or just a Sirius voice?
Sequoia: No, your James voice was just, like, the neutral… sort of like the thing you do for Harry.
Kim: [sighs] Fuck. Fine.
Sequoia: Right?
Kim: I think so.
Sequoia: I mean it makes sense, though, ‘cause…
Kim: Yeah. [Sequoia mumbles unintelligibly] They’re the same person or whatever?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Sure. “Lily what’s wrong?” James asked his usually beautiful girlfriend.
Sequoia: Oh my god! [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Chloe: Wow.
Kim: I mean, who looks pretty while they're making… diving bird gestures? [Sequoia laughs] Or whatever.
Sequoia: I think you decided that it was a diving bird gesture.
Kim: Look! It doesn’t say in the story, which means…
Sequoia: We must fill in with our imaginations…
Kim: What the hand gesture is.
Sequoia: I don’t know what hand gesture would make you, like, not beautiful. [Kim laughs] Unless, like, the hand gesture was, like, stab! Stab! Stab! Or something.
Kim: You can be beautiful while stabbing. [Sequoia and Chloe laugh] Oh.
Chloe: You seem personally offended [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Excuse me?
Kim: [laughs] His usually beautiful girlfriend, who was now turning blue in the face.
Sequoia: Oh, okay.
Kim: It’s the color.
Sequoia: It’s the color.
Kim: That’s the problem.
Sequoia: That’s weird.
Kim: She pointed at her throat and then at a bag of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans that was lying on the table. “Oh, you’re choking!”
Sequoia: Choking does not require CPR, right?
Kim: It’s more the Heimlich maneuver, yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Chloe: But that would be a different story.
Kim: It would be a different story.
Sequoia: [laughs] There would be a lot less tongue in that one. I hope? [Kim makes I dunno sound] [laughing] I don’t know?
Kim: [laughing] We will get there, though.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: For why James thinks this is appropriate.
Sequoia: Okay, great.
Kim: Lily nodded. “I know just what to do!” Without warning James grabbed Lily by the head and pulled her into a tight kiss. [Sequoia makes uncomfortable sounds] You can see where Harry gets his smarts. [Sequoia and Kim laugh] Or whatever.
Sequoia: She’s… okay.
Kim: She’s choking.
Sequoia: She’s choking.
Kim: So James grabs her head.
Sequoia: And…
Kim: You know, I think just, like, grabbing the head and, like, shaking it. Is that how you do… [Sequoia and Chloe laugh] is that how you dislodge something from someone if they’re choking? Shake it out?
Sequoia: [to the melody of Shake it off by Taylor Swift] Shake it out, shake it out.
Kim: Is that… is that a 30 Rock reference? Wait a second.
Sequoia: I think you… I think you as a human being are at least twenty five percent 30 Rock references.
Kim: Just like...
Sequoia: Just like, as a...
Kim: Body composition?
Sequoia: Yeah. Uh huh. Yeah.
Kim: Yeah, that’s true.
Sequoia: So I wouldn’t be surprised. I don’t know, though. [Kim laughs quietly, then makes an uncertain sound] I don’t know.
Kim: Fine, I’m going to continue, then. [snorts] Lily pushed James off of her and started coughing, and a dark brown bean flew out of her mouth and rolled along the table.
Sequoia: Wait! It worked?!
Kim: No, I think Lily, speaking of 30 Rock, did probably... it’s not in the story, but I’m gonna say that she did that thing where you, like… that Liz does, where she, like, pops it out on a chair.
Sequoia: Oh yeah, like, you Heimlich yourself using an object of some kind.
Kim: Yeah, yeah, yeah. She did it to herself.
Sequoia: Okay. It doesn’t say that in the story, though.
Kim: ‘Cause James is fucking useless.
Sequoia: No, I think it worked.
Kim: Oh no, wait. Isn’t there a spell that will dislodge things from your throat?
Sequoia: What?
Kim: [whispering] A spell. There’s a spell for that.
Sequoia: There’s a spell for that?
Kim: Maybe she wordlessly used that spell.
Sequoia: I think…
Kim: You think that James…
Both: That it worked? [everyone laughs]
Kim: Wizards are able to dislodge things from other wizards’ throats? Via the mouth on the mouth?
Sequoia: Yeah. You sort of like breathe in really deeply. [laughs] Sort of kinda like…
Kim: Boop.
Sequoia: …suck it out? Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Is that how that works?
Kim: Sure.
Chloe: [dreamy voice] Magic.
Kim: Yup, that’s fine. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: We’re getting too into this. The bean rolled along the table, resting next to a book entitled Transfiguring Barnyard Animals For Fun And Profit. [Sequoia laughs] No comment? All right.
Sequoia: No, no, I just like that. [everyone laughs] That’s good.
Kim: “Ugh! Hair flavor.” Lily moaned, before… hair flavor? Ew.
Sequoia: Hair flavor? She got a hairball.
Chloe: Ayyy!
Kim: Eughhh. That’s funny.
Sequoia: That’s… I’m funny.
Kim: Lily moaned before turning attention back to James. “James!” Oh no, that’s not… I got a Lily voice.
Sequoia: You do!
Kim: [high pitched nasal voice] “James! What the hell were you doing?!” [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: It’s so good. He… he was clearly saving your life.
Kim: Yeah, obviously it worked, so…
Sequoia: Clearly.
Kim: Lily.
Chloe: Lily, what do you expect from this man? [everyone laughs]
Kim: You’ve known him for, like, some amount of years at this point.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I have no idea what year this takes place.
Sequoia: Well, it’s not in the trio’s fifth year, let me tell you that.
Kim: I think you said sixth year. [laughs]
Sequoia: Whatever, doesn’t matter.
Kim: [sighs] “You were choking!” he said, like shoving your tongue down someone’s throat was the obvious thing to do in that situation. Sequoia says it is.
Sequoia: Yeah, it checks out.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Clearly.
Kim: “So you tried to make out with me?” “Lily, of course I wasn’t doing that!” “Then what were you doing?” “Lily, the tongue is an excellent aid in CPR!” [all wheeze]
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: This isn’t going where I thought it was gonna go.
Kim: It’s not?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Weird. Lily just stared at him. “I know, I was shocked too, but let me explain.”
Sequoia: Oh no!
Kim: Begin flashback. Dooloodoololoolo.
Kim and Sequoia: Dooloodoololoolo.
Kim: "Okay, it was about two months ago. It was around two in the morning and I was coming back from that walk we had around the lake.” “I remember that.” “Please. Lily. Let me tell my story.” [Sequoia and Chloe chuckle]
Kim: I like that it’s…
Sequoia: Fucking…
Kim: …silly.
Sequoia: Was… wait.
Kim: What? What?
Sequoia: This is a flashback.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: It's not a flashback. He's telling a story.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Or they're both in the flashback.
Sequoia: They're watching the flashback.
Kim: Yeah, in a pensieve of some sort.
Sequoia: In a pensieve. Okay. No. [everyone laughs]
Kim: He’s telling a story.
Sequoia: He’s telling a story, it’s not a flashback.
Kim: “Please, Lily. Let me tell my story.” “Sorry.” “It's okay.”
Chloe: [nasally] Sorry.
Kim: “Anyway, I was coming back from our walk, and when I went into the common room, I was in for a shock. Remus was lying on the table with Sirius on top of him.” [everyone screams] What character was I searching for, Sequoia?
Sequoia: You were searching for Sirius!
Kim: Yes, I was.
Sequoia: Oh, why the fuck did I not know that? [Kim laughs] Shit!
Kim: [sighs] “...was lying on top of Sirius.” No, Remus was not on top. [Sequoia laughs] “Remus was lying on the table with Sirius on top of him and their mouths were pressed together like they were making out.” [Sequoia makes a high pitched noise] “They were what?!” “Lily! Please!” [Chloe and Sequoia laugh] “Sorry.” “Like I was saying, they were on the table and it looked like they were making out and there was even some moaning.”
Sequoia: [high pitched voice] Oh my god!
Kim: Fuckin’…
Sequoia: James is so dumb.
Kim: Fuckin’ James.
Kim: Like Harry.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Harry’s a moron. [everyone laughs] “There was even some moaning. Let me finish, Lily.” “What the hell? I said.” [everyone laughs] “And they looked up and saw me, because I was so shocked that I had dropped my invisibility cloak.”
Sequoia: Oh, ‘cause it's two in the morning…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …and he was out. That makes sense.
Kim: Weird that he wasn't sneaking in with Lily. Did he leave her in the lake?
Sequoia: They’re in the same house. Wait, are they in the common room?
Kim: [laughing] Yeah.
Sequoia: Are they just making out in the common room?
Kim: I think so!
Sequoia: Damn, bold.
Kim: I don't think there's tables in their dorm rooms, are there? Maybe they are in the dorm room and that's why Lily's not there. Or he left her in the lake. [Sequoia and Chloe laugh]
Kim: Not at the lake.
Sequoia: In the lake.
Kim: In the lake. Yeah.
Sequoia: Is this a story about murder? Is she a ghost?
Kim: Oooh!
Sequoia: Ooh!
Kim: No, she choked earlier this… ghosts don't choke.
Sequoia: Do ghosts choke? Tweet at us. [everyone laughs]
Kim: [bro voice] “James!” Sirius said and he stood up quickly and Remus followed suit.
“James, this isn’t what it looks like.” Remus said…
Sequoia: Oh, god.
Kim: …and started to smooth his hair back down. “Right!” Sirius shouted. “You see, Remus and I were studying and he was uh...” “Choking! I was choking.” [Chloe and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: Oh god!
Kim: “Yeah! He was choking on, a, uh…” “Chocolate Frog!”
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: [laughs] “Right! And I was trying to dislodge it from his throat!”
Sequoia: With his tongue!
Kim: “Using your tongue?” [Sequoia laughs] I said skeptically.
Sequoia: James said skeptically?
Kim: Yeah, he's skeptical. But they're gonna convince him a hundred percent.
Sequoia: But they’re gonna… oh, great, great.
Kim: With no effort. [everyone laughs] They wouldn't lie to him, they're his best friends! Best friends never lie.
Sequoia: Right. They’re just…
Kim: Making out.
Sequoia: …making out.
Kim: I mean, not making out. [laughs]
Sequoia: Listen. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: I gotta go back to this.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: How… in what universe are they thinking they're not gonna get caught? Like, whether they're in the common room…
Kim: It's two in the morning!
Sequoia: …or in the dorm! It’s two in the morning!
Kim: It’s two in the morning! No one's awake then.
Sequoia: Yeah. I guess that we did have… we've had this conversation many times about things that happen in the boys’ dormitory that everyone just gets used to the noise of.
Kim: [cackles softly] We have talked about that before.
Sequoia: And they just… and they just sleep and it's fine?
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: I don't know, though. They had to have known that James wasn't there and was going to arrive at some point.
Chloe: James is dumb and maybe they just figured they could convince him [Sequoia laughs] that nothing was wrong.
Kim: That checks out.
Sequoia: I mean, yeah, I guess so.
Kim: “Using your tongue? I asked skeptically. “Yeah. My tongue, James. Did you know that the tongue happens to be an excellent aid in performing CPR? No, of course you wouldn't, because you never pay attention in class.”
Sequoia: What class are they learning CPR in?
Kim: [laughs] Sirius is pretty sure… I mean, okay. Sirius saying that James doesn't pay attention in class...
Sequoia: Yeah, that's some shit. [Kim laughs] [quietly] They’re both bad.
Kim: “’Cause you never pay attention in class, you're too busy passing notes to Lily. How would you be if Lily started choking, James? You'd be like, ‘Oh, no! Lily's choking! Maybe I should stick my tongue down her throat! No, that's crazy.’ [Chloe and Sequoia laugh] And you would just sit there while she choked to death!”
Sequoia: Okay, so they convince him by using Lily as, like, an incentive of some kind? Like, you… [laughing] I hate this.
Kim: [laughing] I don’t know what’s happening. But here's the thing.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: “But… but… but I… I don't want Lily to die.” [Sequoia and Chloe laugh]
Sequoia: Exactly. [Kim laughs] Exactly. They gotta bring Lily in it to deflect. They're deflecting.
Kim: Bachewww! Here's the suspicion coming at him. Lily, bacheww!
Sequoia: [laughs] Nice.
Kim: Too many visual bits today.
Sequoia: You need to not.
Kim: Okay, I’ll stop. I’ll just sit on the hands.
Sequoia: Okay, good.
Kim: “It's too late. She's dead, James. You killed her.”
Sequoia: Oh my… [Sequoia and Chloe laugh hard] Oh no!
Kim: “I… I didn't mean to!” “Then maybe you should believe me when I tell you about the use of tongue when someone's choking. It's very effective.” “Very,” Remus echoed [Sequoia laughs maniacally] with a smile on his face. [Sequoia laughs more] It’s fucking Remus.
Sequoia: Oh man! I love how snarky Remus gets in fanfiction.
Kim: Yeah. [laughs]
Sequoia: I love that, like, personality that they give him where he's, like, not necessarily, like, instigating things or, like… he's just, like, sitting in the corner making snarky comments.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: And I'm into it and I love it. And I…
Kim: Because it's you?
Sequoia: Well, okay, but… [whines] fine. [laughs] [whispering] Fine.
Kim: Yeah, he's… he's so often the one sitting there with a knowing smile.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: It's like a hundred percent of his fanfiction character, and it's awesome. “Oh, wow,” I said, “I'm so glad you guys opened my eyes to this. It really scared me when I thought Lily might choke to death.” [Sequoia and Kim laugh]
Sequoia: They literally, like… it's almost like they…
Kim: They terrified him.
Sequoia: Yeah, they were like, Lily. Has. Choked. To death. [everyone laughs]
Kim: And it's your fault.
Sequoia: It happened. And you. Did it. [Kim laughs] We. Weren't. Making. Out. [everyone laughs]
Kim: [sighs] “I bet it did. Well, having a near death experience really tuckered me out. I think I'm gonna head to bed.” Remus turned and started to walk up the stairs.
Sequoia: Oh, they’re in the common room, dude! [laughs]
Kim: They are. [Sequoia and Kim laugh] Making out in the common room! Why did James leave Lily at the lake?! [Sequoia and Kim laugh]
Chloe: IN the lake.
Kim: Right, right, in the lake.
Sequoia: Thank you, thank you. In the lake! I mean, it might be two am, but still, dude. That's fucking bold. That’s some bold shit.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: You gotta be ready to own to it, man. What if it wasn't James?
Kim: Somebody who was not stupid, like Lily?
Sequoia: Yeah! Yeah, what if… [Chloe laughs] what if he hadn't left Lily in the lake?
Kim: [laughs] And if it had been James and Lily? They would have been… it would have been over. The game's up. Jig's up. [everyone laughs] Jig? Gig? [everyone quietly repeats "jig" for a while] The jig is up?
Sequoia: Tweet at us! [Kim and Chloe laugh]
Kim: I don't think that's a tweet at us kind of situation.
Sequoia: It is.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: You can do it. I believe in you guys.
Kim: Remus turned and started to walk up the stairs when he stopped and turned back, "Coming Sirius?"
Sequoia: Ayy!
Kim: [laughs] "Oh right! G'night, James!" said Sirius.
Sequoia: They're all in the same… okay, fine.
Kim: I know, right? [everyone laughs] You just close the curtains, do a spell to make the sound of masturbation cover the sounds that you're making.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: And continue.
Sequoia: [laughs] I was thinking that you would just, like, muffliato or whatever, and then no sounds at all, but you're… you’re suggesting like…
Kim: Covering the sound with a different sound.
Sequoia: Okay. [Sequoia and Chloe laugh]
Kim: One that everyone else would expect to hear.
Sequoia: Right, okay. Okay.
Kim: At night. In the boys’ dormitory. [Sequoia laughs] But you gotta throw it so it sounds like it's coming from Peter's bed. [Sequoia laughs harder] Right?
Sequoia: [sighs] Oh man. Yeah! [laughs]
Kim: Or whatever.
Sequoia: Or whatever!
Kim: Ah, where was I? Oh. “G'night James!" said Sirius and hurried up the stairs with Remus. End flashback. Slash story that James is telling to Lily.
Sequoia: There was no flashback! [Sequoia and Chloe laugh]
Kim: He flashed… James was flashing back!
Sequoia: Hmmm! He was having a self flashback. Is that what telling a story is?
Kim: Yes?
Sequoia: It was a self flashback.
Kim: Kind of?
Sequoia: Sure!
Kim: Why not? "And that's what happened!" James finished his story.
Sequoia: Oh Lily, what's she gonna do? What's she gonna say?
Kim: Lily again just stared at him. "Um, James?" Oh Sorry. [high pitched nasal voice] "Um, Jamesssss?" [Sequoia laughs] But he wasn't listening. "I guess Remus must be allergic to chocolate frogs or something, because I walked in on Sirius giving him CPR a bunch of other times [Sequoia and Chloe laugh] and they always say that Remus is choking." "James, I don't think…” "Which is weird because I once saw Remus eat twenty five chocolate frogs in one sitting and he was fine.” [Sequoia and Chloe laugh again]
Sequoia: C'mon. C'mon, James!
Kim: He's not gonna get there.
Sequoia: He's not gonna get there?
Kim: He is not gonna get there.
Sequoia: Oh buddy, little buddy, no!
Kim: I like… another, like, Remus fanfiction thing that I think is really funny is how much they're like, Remus is obsessed with chocolate. You know how he gives out chocolate a lot in the books and he like always has it in his pocket?
Sequoia: Oh yeah.
Kim: Remus is obsessed with chocolate. Fact. [Sequoia and Chloe laugh]
Sequoia: Add it to the canon. The Fanatical Fics canon.
Kim: [pause] Done.
Sequoia: Great. I just want you all to know we did nothing. We just stared at each other. [laughs]
Kim: [laughs] What?
Sequoia: Just… we're not actually… someone needs to go through and compile all the canon.
Kim: No, don't tell anyone to do that.
Sequoia: I'll do it. I'll do it.
Kim: No you won't.
Sequoia: No, I won't.
Kim: Don't lie. Don't…
Sequoia: Everyone knows I'm lying. If everyone knows I'm lying, then it's fine. [everyone laughs]
Kim: What if it's someone's first episode? Does that happen?
Sequoia: No. I mean, Chloe's friends, it might be their first episode.
Kim: Sequoia lies.
Sequoia: I lie. Don't believe me. Okay, we've done it. There we go. Disclaimer. [Kim laughs] Over halfway through the episode. Disclaimer.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Good.
Kim: "Which is weird because I once saw Remus eat twenty five chocolate frogs in one sitting and he was fine. Maybe it's because he was eating them while he's studying."
Sequoia: Fucking. What?
Kim: How's that… that's nonsense! That right there… nonsense. [Sequoia and Chloe laugh] "James, listen to me." "But why were he and Sirius studying in a closet that one time?" [Sequoia and Chloe laugh harder]
Sequoia: They are not…
Kim: Why is James walking in on them…
Sequoia and Kim: …in a closet!
Kim: Whatever.
Sequoia: It's James’s closet. [everyone laughs]
Kim: [sleazy bro voice] What are you guys doing in here? You doin’ something fun? [Sequoia laughs] Having some shenanigans? Oh, you're choking again. [Sequoia laughs harder] Bye!
Sequoia: [laughs] I feel like they're just trying to get caught at this point.
Kim: Remus is fucking with him?
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Why were they studying in my bed?
Sequoia: The first time, they were like, uh! They freaked out, and then they didn't know what to do and they didn't know what to say.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And then the second time they were like, this is funny, right? [everyone laughs]
Kim: Oh, that's funny.
Sequoia: And then the twelfth time, they were like, but really, when is he gonna get it? Let's hide in his closet. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: I want a companion fanfiction to this fanfiction.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: From the perspective of Remus and Sirius.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Trying to get James to figure it out. [Sequoia and Chloe laugh]
Kim: But not, like, tell him.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Just by making out in front of him?
Sequoia: Yep. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Sure. Write it up.
Sequoia: [faint ringing sound in the background] [quietly] Pick that up.
Kim: Uh huh. [quietly] You should pick that up. Probably the mail. No, it's Sunday.
Sequoia: No post on Sundays?
Kim: Fuck you. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Man, now I can't cut that out!
Kim: "James!"
Sequoia: [laughs] Lily's like, why the fuck am I dating you, you are literally so dumb! [everyone laughs]
Kim: Yeah. True. "There was always one thing I didn't understand about that night I walked in on Remus choking two months ago." Lily had finally given up trying to explain to James that she didn't think the reason he kept finding Remus and Sirius with locked lips had anything to do with studying or an allergy to chocolate, "What's that, James?" "Why were they studying naked?" [Sequoia and Chloe laugh] [sighs] Fucking James, man. [Sequoia sighs]
Chloe: [sighs] So dumb.
Kim: They were studying anatomy.
Sequoia: That was like the fifteenth time. [Kim laughs] ‘Cause they had to keep escalating. In their plan.
Kim: He said it was the first time!
Sequoia: Wait, was that the first time?!
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: Oh my god! [Kim cackles] The common room?! [laughs]
Kim: Yeah, totally naked in the common room at two am. Making out. When they know that their friend is a constant room leaver.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: And he can be invisible!
Sequoia: Invisible!
Kim: [laughs, then sighs] The danger turns them on. It's not danger.
Sequoia: [laughing] It's not danger.
Kim: It's not danger. Stupid. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: [sighs] Oh no.
Kim: [sighs] The end. [softly] The end.
Sequoia: Well, Chloe got a point.
Kim: She did!
Chloe: I got a point! [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: So...
Kim: Nice!
Sequoia: I didn't… I didn’t get a point.
Kim: Guests are... guests are still in the game!
Sequoia: Yup. That's up to four points for guests, I think.
Kim: So…
Chloe: That's right, guests! [Kim and Sequoia laugh] Let's do this!
Kim: We’ll just never have any other guests on.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: This is the end. [laughs]
Sequoia: I don’t know, the guests have four points, and we only have, like, eight points.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: So we're doing a great job. [Kim splutters] That's the moral of the story.
Kim: No, we are not. All right. So. Thought we'd have some more Marauders stuff on.
Sequoia: Yeah, that was good.
Kim: We haven't done any... we've only done two.
Sequoia: Yeah, it's hard. The Marauders are hard, 'cause they're…
Kim: Better.
Sequoia: Yeah. [everyone laughs]
Kim: No, that's not true. That's not true. They're all kind of the same story, is the problem with Marauders stuff.
Sequoia: Yeah. It's all Lily and James…
Chloe: Hook up.
Kim: Get together! Remus and Sirius get together!
Sequoia: Not that I have a problem with either of those.
Kim: No, it's just…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: It’s just that there's very little variety in the stories.
Sequoia: Uh huh.
Kim: But I love them.
Sequoia: [singing] I love them!
Kim: I'm gonna keep looking for 'em. And that's my story.
Sequoia: Awesome. Awesome, awesome.
Kim: Cool. All right. It's time for…
Kim and Sequoia: [singing] …summaries!
Kim: James tries to explain to Lily why the tongue is a useful tool in CPR. Takes place in their fifth year. Slash.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: The end. And I was like, yup, sounds good. Let's go! [Chloe and Sequoia laugh] I thought he was gonna be, like, try… be trying to grift her or something, you know?
Sequoia: Oh! He's usually not portrayed as that stupid.
Kim: No, he's not.
Sequoia: That was, like, a special occasion.
Kim: [laughs] He has a head injury.
Sequoia: Just… yeah. But no, I thought… I… I… if I had read that summary, I would've been like, oh, something's gonna happen and somebody is gonna need CPR and everyone's gonna forget they know magic.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: As happens a lot.
Kim: Every time.
Sequoia: And then somebody who’s a muggleborn or something would be like, CPR! You know?
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: I can do it!
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And then, like, Draco's like [pompous voice] no, I'll do it! Or something like that. You know?
Kim: [laughs] Sure, all right.
Sequoia: I would…
Kim: It's Harry? Harry's the one that's choking? And Draco is like, [pompous voice] I'll do it!
Sequoia: No, I'll do it!
Kim: I think we just wrote a fanfiction!
Sequoia: Nice! We've written a couple in this episode so far.
Kim: [laughs] Great.
Chloe: Sequoia?
Sequoia: [chuckles] Yeah?
Chloe: Am I supposed to… write fanfiction? [Sequoia and Kim laugh]
Sequoia: No. [both laugh again]
Kim: All right, now we're actually entering the rec zone.
Sequoia: Pew pew pew! [everyone laughs]
Kim: [sighs] All right.
Sequoia: [sighs] I hate myself.
Kim: The story I'm recommending today is one that I added to my list while looking for this one.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: It's called Crossword Puzzles.
Sequoia: Excellent.
Kim: It's a little bit of a slice of life of James, Sirius, Lily and baby Harry doing a crossword puzzle.
Sequoia: Aww!
Kim: And it's real good.
Sequoia: Cute!
Kim: The end.
Sequoia: Cute!
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Okay, great. So we've done a segment.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: [whispering] A segment. We’ve done a segment.
Kim: We've done two segments. We've done several.
Sequoia: We've done two segments.
Kim: I mean, everything’s a segment. [laughs]
Sequoia: Nothing is a segment! [laughs] Except for this.
Kim: A new segment!
Sequoia: A new segment. Okay. So. We've spoken about…
Kim: We've talked about this.
Sequoia: Yeah. We've spoken about how I wrote a lot of fanfiction and we were gonna read more of it. We've read two.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And the plan was to read more, but… I… it's just a different… it's another level of bad. [Kim laughs] To the point where it would just be not fun to read, because it would be… it's so poorly written.
Kim: Painful.
Sequoia: It would be painful for everyone involved. [sighing] Especially me.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: [quietly] We're not gonna… we're not gonna play that game.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: So we're starting this segment, since, you know, we have my sister out here, who…
Kim: Has read these!
Chloe: An avid reader, yeah. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: A fan!
Sequoia: A fan of my fanfiction. Over here. Some of the notebook stuff… what is this… what is this segment called?
Kim: Let's embarrass Sequoia? I don't know, give us a segment name.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: Sequoia's shame. Shamequoia. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: This is our new segment. It's called… [lower voice] Shamequoia. [Kim and Chloe laugh] Great. So. In my old notebooks, I wrote a fanfiction where it was post final battle.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: And…
Kim: When… when did you write this? Can we get a time frame?
Sequoia: [blows out breath] Notebooks… I need help. I don't remember.
Chloe: I don't know. I remember when we were, like, on third ave. reading your notebooks.
Sequoia: Damn! I had those for a long time. That's older than I was thinking.
Kim: Those are street names, not years. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Eighth grade.
Chloe: She would've been in eighth grade when I was reading those notebooks.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Ahhh.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Awesome.
Sequoia: I'm pretty sure this one I wrote in, like, sixth grade or seventh grade? I wanna say.
Kim: Noice.
Sequoia: Elementary school. Is what I wanna say. So…
Kim: [laughs] I'm so excited. Okay, so sixth, seventh grade, that was possibly before book… that was definitely before book five, right?
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: So, ‘cause this was in… this was in the year…
Kim: The crazy…
Sequoia: Years between four and five.
Kim: The crazy time.
Sequoia: Yeah, the crazy time.
Kim: Awesome.
Sequoia: And so I had just finished reading the first four. And I was writing a lot at that point.
Kim: Oh, cool.
Sequoia: And the stuff I was writing was really short, because it was in these notebooks and, like, it seems… and you know, you’re hand…
Kim: And you were, like, twelve.
Sequoia: Yeah, and I was twelve. And you're, like, handwriting shit and you think that, like, wow, that… I'm…
Kim: This is so long!
Sequoia: So long!
Kim: I've written a novel! And it's like three notebook pages.
Sequoia: Yeah, exactly.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Exactly. Like, oh, that's five hundred words. I wrote it originally and then I rewrote it when I was in junior high school.
Kim: Oh, nice! Story currently being rewritten! I'll post it later!
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: I love that, when I stumble on that and it's got a great summary and I click on it and it's nothing but an author being like, it's coming back! written in 2006. [Sequoia and Chloe laugh]
Sequoia: I love that. So apparently at this point in my life I was a big Lavender/Seamus shipper?
Kim: That's a great ship.
Sequoia: Yeah. Right?
Kim: No. [laughs]
Sequoia: So I was… so this story was Lavender/Seamus, Ron/Hermione and…
Kim: [whispering] Oh my gosh.
Sequoia: Harry/Luna?
Chloe: Yes. [Sequoia and Kim laugh]
Kim: I love when really short stories have, like, ten pairings in them.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: And it's just like… every sentence is like, this person is making out with this person, this person is…
Chloe: Oh yes!
Sequoia: It was like that and it was dumb!
Kim: Nice!
Sequoia: So what happens in this story is, after the final battle, one person from each of the pairings, and I think there was even a fourth one. [Kim snorts] One of them was dead.
Kim: One from every pairing?
Sequoia: One from every pairing. Just one from every pairing. Chloe's smiling like she remembers this one.
Chloe: It's all coming back to me. [Kim and Sequoia laugh] The drama! [everyone laughs]
Kim: What?!
Sequoia: It was called [serious voice] Wandering Alone. And…
Kim: [laughing] Who did you… who did you kill? I'm so curious.
Sequoia: I'm pretty sure I killed Luna.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Seamus.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Ron. And I think I also killed Neville and he was paired with someone.
Kim: Huh.
Sequoia: But I don't remember.
Kim: [laughs] I think only one of those people died in the book. We've talked about this before as well.
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: Lavender's dead.
Sequoia: Lavender's dead, yeah.
Kim: I keep… it's so weird.
Sequoia: I always forget. Yeah.
Kim: It's weird.
Sequoia: Ah! But yeah. So I killed off one of each pairing.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Right? And then the story starts and we're, like, in the Great Hall, and there's a feast or whatever.
Kim: Is it immediately after the battle?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: It's, like, a few weeks later or whatever and Dumbledore's like, oh, we lost so many people in this battle, sad, sad.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And then each one of the surviving people gets up and makes a speech about how much they loved the person who is dead.
Kim: Oh my god. [Sequoia laughs]
Chloe: The drama! [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: And then Dumbledore’s got like a twinkle in his eye or whatever.
Kim: No! [Sequoia laughs] No!
Sequoia: And then the Great Hall doors open.
Kim: No, what?
Sequoia: And one by one, the dead people are not dead.
Kim: Oh my god.
Sequoia: They walk in one by one, reuniting [Kim laughs] with this other person and Dumbledore’s like, [slightly strangled voice] yeah, brought 'em back to life!
Kim: [laughs] And he had them do the eulogies for…
Sequoia: Yeah, he… he, like…
Kim: …what reason?
Sequoia: …solicited the eulogies first. [Chloe laughs]
Kim: I mean, who doesn’t wanna go to their own funeral?
Sequoia: [laughs] It was like…
Kim: Me. [Sequoia laughs] I don't wanna hear the shit you guys are gonna say about me.
Sequoia: Oh, man.
Kim: [laughing] That sounds so something.
Sequoia: Yeah, it… it was!
Chloe: An emotional roller coaster? [everyone laughs] Literary genius? [everyone laughs again]
Kim: Oh! Why did he wait until after the [laughing] eulogies?
Sequoia: [laughing] I… I don’t know!
Kim: So he… Dumbledore brought them back to life? It wasn’t that they hadn’t died in the first place?
Sequoia: No, they died.
Kim: And Dumbledore brought them back to life?
Sequoia: Just those four. [Kim snorts, Chloe laughs] I think.
Chloe: You know, he loves love. [Sequoia and Kim laugh] It checks out.
Kim: Couldn't… couldn't bring back Harry's parents, though.
Sequoia: No.
Chloe: Well but the pair's gone, you know? [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Oh! You need half of it in order to… [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Oh, no.
Kim: [sighs] Man, that's good.
Sequoia: Yeah, and then…
Kim: And then do they all make out or something?
Sequoia: Yeah, they all make out, but in the one by one… so like, one of them arrives, and then they're like, oh we're reunited. And then they make out and they sit down. And then the next one arrives and then they're like, we're reunited! And they make out and go sit down.
Kim: [laughs] Do they… do they do the eulogy, get the person back, and then go sit down? So like, by the fourth pair, they should know what's happening?
Sequoia: No! They all… they did all four eulogies. [Kim laughs] And then Dumbledore is like [high pitched voice] oh I've got a trick up my sleeve! A little surprise for ya, kids! [Kim and Chloe laugh] And then they all come back one by one.
Kim: Great. Sure.
Sequoia: And they reunite, they make out, and they sit down.
Kim: 'Kay.
Sequoia: Reunite, make out, sit down. Four times.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And then I think Harry…
Kim: Is there?
Sequoia: Well, he's present. [Kim laughs] And I think at one point, at… like, at the end of the story, he goes up to Dumbledore and is like, how did you do it?
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And then Dumbledore is like, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle! Or whatever. Like, he just does his shit, you know?
Kim: That's pretty good.
Sequoia: Yeah. Where he's like, hmm, oh you'll never know! Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle! And then the story's over.
Kim: And Harry's like, no but wait, how did you do that?
Sequoia: [laughs] [low voice] No, but I wanna bring people back from the dead.
Kim: [laughs] Oh, that's funny.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: [snorts] That sounds terrible.
Sequoia: [laughs] It's bad.
Kim: Did you reread this? Recently?
Sequoia: I have it.
Kim: Oh!
Sequoia: Yeah. But it's… it's funnier to talk about. [Kim laughs] It's… it's, like, unenjoyably bad.
Kim: So the eulogies they give, I'm curious. [Sequoia laughs] What do they say? Are they… is it like, [sheepishly] I liked this person? Are they short? 'Cause you said the story's pretty short.
Sequoia: They're short. They're short. It's just, like, Lavender stands up and is, like, crying and is, like, oh, I've never… oh no!
Kim: Oh oh.
Sequoia: Here's the thing! I forgot!
Kim: Here comes a memory. [laughs]
Sequoia: I forgot! I'm pretty sure none of the… the people who were alive had ever told the people who were dead that they loved them. So they weren't actually together.
Kim: Oh!
Sequoia: And then they… each one of them got up and, like, was… was like, this person was really great and ALSO I LOVED THEM AND I NEVER SAID ANYTHING! [Kim snorts] And all four of them did that. [Kim laughs] I think.
Chloe: Just a regular school meeting. [everyone laughs]
Kim: You know, Hogwarts doesn't have, like, a grief counselor, so that's the best they can do, I guess.
Sequoia: Just to, like, air your sadness at…
Sequoia and Kim: In the Great Hall.
Kim: During a feast?
Sequoia: Yeah. As prompted by the headmaster, Albus Dumbledore.
Kim: I mean, it kind of almost seems like something that would happen. [Sequoia laughs] Cho, tell us about Cedric.
Sequoia: Oh, god! Yeah. Yeah, I mean…
Kim: Better than what they did, which was ignore her.
Sequoia: Oh yeah. [sighs]
Kim: [laughs] So. [laughs]
Sequoia: I like how many questions you have about this.
Kim: I have a lot of questions!
Sequoia: I thought this segment would just be…
Kim: No, I have a lot of questions!
Sequoia: ‘Kay.
Kim: So something I'm always wondering, like, when I read these fanfictions, is why? [snickers] Do you have any insight in why you wrote this? Any reason why? Were you… were you worried about some deep feelings you had for someone, and that you were never gonna express them, and they were gonna die, and then they were gonna… you were gonna have to talk about them in front of people?
Sequoia: Listen, that was, like, seventeen years ago. [laughs] I have no idea.
Chloe: I feel like it was just so that you could write a bunch of pairs. Be like, [high pitched voice] this person and this person. [Kim laughs] And then these two, and everything's over, and it's all good, and they live happily ever after.
Sequoia: Yeah. No, that checks out.
Kim: That sounds right. Yeah, that actually… huh.
Sequoia: That totally checks out.
Kim: I mean, who doesn't want their pairs to end up together at the end? Chloe, do you remember having any stories of Sequoia's that were like… you really liked? Do you remember having a favorite?
Chloe: I, like, I… I remember the… more the act of holding the notebook. [Sequoia and Kim laugh] And, like, flipping through. A lot of them were unfinished.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Hmmm.
Chloe: And yeah, it was… it was just, like, I… I think I was really… I was really into… I remember that story more than other stories. Like, I remember that Harry and Luna were paired together and I was like, wow, like, what a bold choice. [Kim laughs]
Sequoia: Wait. When do we…
Kim: That must've been a later story.
Sequoia: Yeah, ‘cause when do we meet Luna? Now that…
Kim: Luna's fifth book, so that's post fifth book.
Sequoia: Oh, so it was post fifth book.
Kim: Things got pretty dark in the fifth book.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I could see wanting to turn it around in a fanfiction.
Sequoia: Yeah, make it a little bit more… uh huh.
Kim: ’Cause there were so many post fifth book Sirius isn't dead, guys! fics.
Sequoia: Oh no. I know.
Kim: Did you write one? [snickers]
Sequoia: No. But I read a lot of 'em. Let's be real.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Actually, so me… so Chloe's here because we were at a wedding.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Yesterday. Two avid listeners of the show got married yesterday. [Kim laughs] They're related to me, it's fine. [everyone laughs] It's not weird. I was not invited to… [Kim laughs harder] to a listener’s wedding. [Kim and Sequoia laugh] It's fine. So we went to this wedding and we were talking to one of our family friends who reminded me that he was the one who purchased the sixth book for me.
Kim: Oh!
Sequoia: Because I couldn't leave my home. Like [Kim coughs] it had been out for, like, three days.
Kim: Were you grounded?
Sequoia: No. I couldn't… I… I just didn't want to encounter spoilers. I wouldn't look at my phone, I wouldn't look at the computer. It had been, like, three days. I was like…
Kim: So you couldn't get out of the house…
Sequoia: I would not leave the house.
Kim: …to get the book…
Sequoia: Book.
Kim: …because you were so busy avoiding spoilers for the book?
Sequoia: I mean, I couldn't have gotten the book on my own anyway. I was just, like, a teenager with no money and no car. [Kim laughs] Like, I… like, what was I gonna do? And I was like, Dad, I need this book. Dad. I need this book. Dad. You don't. Understand. [Kim splutters] I need it.
Chloe: What, that uh… Henry Porter? [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, exactly. Yeah, there we go. That's it. [Kim laughs, then sighs] And he had… one of his friends was coming over. One of the family friends was coming over and picked it up for me.
Kim: Uh huh. Aw!
Sequoia: On his way over. And I… we've established that I'm mean. I didn't even say thank you. I just, like, ripped it out of his hands and ran into my room [Kim and Chloe laugh] and my dad's like, please say thank you to Brendon!
Kim: [laughing] We were like… we were old enough to know better when that book came out, Sequoia! [Chloe laughs]
Sequoia: Oh yeah! Yeah! We've established that I'm mean. [laughing] We don't need to… [Kim sighs] I was too excited.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: I was too excited.
Chloe: That checks out.
Kim and Sequoia: Yeah.
Sequoia: Right?
Kim: Yeah.
Chloe: Yeah. I would not blame her. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: I… I… I was at a… I went to a release party.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Because I went to all of the release parties after book five. We've talked about this. We might have been at the same release party for book…
Kim and Sequoia: …seven. [Kim splutters]
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Before we met.
Sequoia: It's fine.
Kim: It's fine.
Sequoia: It's a cool story.
Kim: [quietly] We didn't meet there.
Chloe: [quietly] At the library?
Kim: Yeah.
Chloe: Yeah, me too!
Kim: We were all there!
Sequoia: Yeah, Chloe was there. [laughs]
Chloe: We were there!!
Kim: That's weird. [sighs]
Sequoia: [strangled voice] Oh! And now we're on a podcast.
Kim: I dressed up for that party.
Sequoia: One of our cousins is, like, seven or eight?
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And is dressing up as Hermione!
Kim: My little sister is gonna be Hermione.
Sequoia: For Halloween! [whispering] It's so great.
Kim: I'm so excited.
Sequoia: Everyone be Hermione.
Kim: I'mma be Hermione. I'm not kidding.
Sequoia: [strangled] Great.
Kim: She's gonna be Hermione and I'm going to be Hermione.
Sequoia: And you're going to be Hermione and you're going to take her trick or treating.
Kim: And I'm gonna be a better Hermione. [Sequoia and Chloe laugh] I mean, I'm going to take her trick or treating. [Sequoia and Chloe continue laughing] Not a contest.
Sequoia: Oh, great! Okay. Well, now that we've established that, all right. That's the end of this Shame… this Shamequoia segment, I guess. [Kim snickers] I guess we're done with that now.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: We'll do it again. [sighs] We'll do it again.
Kim: And again.
Sequoia and Kim: And again.
Sequoia: [quietly] I've got plenty to say. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Look forward to that!
Sequoia: All right. Cool. Well.
Kim: Thanks for coming on, Chloe.
Sequoia: Thanks for… thanks for coming on the show. Is there…
Chloe: You're welcome, it was fun.
Sequoia: Is there anything you'd like to plug, or…
Kim: [snorting] Plug!
Sequoia: …talk about or whatever?
Kim: This is definitely a place where plugs get out.
Sequoia: Where plugs get out. Don't fucking… [Kim wheezes] shit. Don't look at me. [Kim continues] [Sequoia starts laughing too] Oh god! Why is… why are you dying? That wasn't even anything!
Kim: [out of breath] Yes, it was. [Sequoia laughs] The listeners will get it. [Sequoia laughs harder] That was gross! [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Goddamnit. Okay. [Kim continues laughing in the background] Chloe.
Chloe: Listen to my sister's podcast. [Kim and Sequoia laugh] It's called Fanatical Fics and Where to Find them. [the laughter continues]
Sequoia: [laughing] Goddamnit! Why do I let you come on?
Chloe: [lilting voice] It's their podcast where they talk about Harry Pitter… Potter fanfiction. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: Henry Porter. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Great. [Kim sighs.] Do you… I mean, do you want people to follow you on Instagram or Twitter or anything?
Kim: No. Sorry, that was mean.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah, what? Let her speak for herself.
Kim: Thought you were talking to me.
Sequoia: No!
Chloe: I'm… I'm boring on the Internet. I'm a boring Internet user.
Sequoia: [pause] Cool! [laughs]
Chloe: I have no content.
Sequoia: Watch out for… uh… uh… the… sisters podcast that we'll be dropping… soon.
Kim: What's the premise? What's the name? Give me the title.
Sequoia: It's titleless.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: And premiseless.
Kim: No!
Sequoia: And it's coming to a podcast…
Kim: My sister and just one sister and me? [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: No. This… goddamnit!
Chloe: Voices…
Chloe and Sequoia: …Audio…
Chloe: …Sisters… [Kim snorts] Talking. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: This is… this is truly inspiring to watch. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: [still laughing] There you go, folks, it's called Voices Audio Sisters Talking and it's coming to a podcast aggregator near you [Kim continues laughing] at some point in the timeline.
Chloe: If you liked that, you're gonna love… [Sequoia starts laughing harder] that thing… that we will do… at a point in the future. [Sequoia and Kim laugh and laugh and laugh]
Kim: I'm already subscribed. [Sequoia and Chloe laugh] I'm donating to your Patreon a thousand dollars. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: [high pitched] We were worried this one was gonna be short. It's gonna be super long!
Kim: Just cut the fucking thing! Cut everything! [Sequoia sighs] [Chloe laughs]
Sequoia: No, we can't cut anything. I can't cut anything! [inhales] Okay.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Great. Thank you, Chloe, for plugging something. [laughs]
Kim: [laughing] Voices Sisters Audio Talking!
Sequoia: [laughing] Excuse me, it's Voices Audio Sisters Talking.
Kim: [laughing] I'm so sorry! [Sequoia laughs] V.A.S.T. is its name. [Chloe laughs]
Sequoia: [high pitched] That is the name!
Chloe: That's the name!
Sequoia: That's the… guys, this is not a joke. That is the name of the podcast. [laughs]
Chloe: And it's a joke. [Sequoia laughs harder] And the real podcast. [Sequoia and Kim laugh]
Sequoia: So dumb. I love it. Okay. You can find us…
Kim: You gotta… you gotta get that…
Sequoia: You can find us on social media, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, @FanaticalFics.
Kim: If you wanna send us any longer thoughts, we have an email at FanaticalFics@gmail.com.
Sequoia: You can check out our website at FanaticalFics.com. There you will find a full list of our recommendations, as well as a story submission form if you got something you think we gotta see.
Kim: We've gotten some long stuff submitted.
Sequoia: Yeah, which is awesome. Because that's not stuff that we're generally looking for.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: So we're not seeing it. So send it to us, because we wanna read it.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: But we're not actively looking for it, so we need you to guide us.
Kim: Help us, listeners!
Sequoia: [whispering] Help us. You can…
Kim: There's also some merch on there, as well. Some stickers.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeees, the new sticker's out!
Kim: Our new sticker! Yeah, it just came out for us recently. For you, less recently.
Sequoia: Uh huh. For you, a week ago or more. [Kim splutters] Something like that, I don't know. What's time?
Kim: It's awesome and I love it!
Sequoia: Yep! Mrs. Weasley's finest chili dogs, saving lives since 1997!
Kim: So. Check that out!
Sequoia: Check that out! [laughs] You can support… support the podcast by leaving us a review on Facebook or on iTunes.
Kim: We'll shout you out at the top of the episode, like we did today.
Sequoia: Uh huh. You…
Kim: Or close to the top.
Sequoia: Some… at some point. There's a…
Kim: We’ll shout you out.
Sequoia: We have a podcast. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: You can also support this podcast by recommending it to a friend!
Sequoia: Every friend…
Kim: No.
Sequoia: [low voice] …you've ever had.
Kim: Don't do this bit. I'm tired of this bit.
Sequoia: No? We're done? We're done with that bit? 'Kay, fine!
Kim: Just… look, we don't…
Sequoia: Fiiiiine!
Kim: …have to drag out the [Sequoia laughs] outro so that it's ten minutes every time!
Sequoia: Whaa… fine! You can also support us on Patreon. There's some fun swag type deals on there, but also, like, a lot of fun bonus content. I am releasing a fanfiction on it!
Kim: You have released a fanfiction.
Sequoia: I have released a fanfiction on it. How does time work? Thank you.
Kim: Thanks as always to the Whomping Willows for letting us use their amazing song Wolfstar as our theme song.
Sequoia: Bye!
Kim: [laughs] Oh, bye!
Chloe: Bye! [Kim still laughing faintly in the background]