Episode 33: What's in a Name?
After our very first adventure into a multi-episode story, we’re back on our regular one shot bullshit. Make sure to figure out your “name” and tweet it at us! Rules are posted at the bottom of the description and on our social media somewhere… probably.
Recommendation: Dial Tone
https://archiveofourown.org/works/10716879/chapters/23743410%C2%A0
Use the third letter of your first name to find your new first name.
A= Poopsie B= Lumpy C= Buttercup D= Gidget E= Crusty F= Greasy G= Fluffy H= Cheeseball I= Chim-chim J= Stinky K= Funky I= Boobie M= Pinky N= Zippy O= Goober P= Doofus Q= Slimy R= Loopy S= Snotty T= Tulefel U= Dorkey V= Squeezit W= Oprah X= Skipper Y= Dinky Z= Zsa-Zsa
Use the second letter of your last name to find the first part of your new last name.
A= Apple B= Toilet C= Giggle D= Burger E= Girdle F= Barf G= Lizard H= Waffle I= Cootie J= Monkey K= Potty I= Liver M= Banana N= Rhino O= Bubble P= Hamster Q= Toad R= Gizzard S= Pizza T= Gerbil U= Chicken V= Pickle W= Chuckle X= Tofu Y= Gorilla Z= Stinker
Use the fourth letter of your last name to find the last part of your new last name.
A= Head B= Mouth C= Face D= Nose E= Tush F= Breath G= Pants H= Shorts I= Lips J= Honker K= Butt I= Brain M= Tushie N= Chunks O= Hiney P= Biscuits Q= Toes R= Buns S= Fanny T= Sniffer U= Sprinkles V= Kisser W= Squirt X= Humperdinck Y= Brains Z= Juice
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Eliana
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Kim: So J. K. Rowling ruined my life the other day.
Sequoia: Great. Tell me about it.
Kim: I was clicking links to Pottermore.
Sequoia: As you do. Mhm.
Kim: Right. And I was reading the article about the Chamber of Secrets. And [sighs] in it, she… I’m… I’m… I’m upset. [Sequoia laughs] She's talking about how… so Hogwarts is a really old castle, so they added plumbing in later.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: ‘Cause indoor plumbing wasn't a thing until like the 1800s or whatever. [laughs]
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: But she… she felt the need, for some reason, to say that before Hogwarts had indoor plumbing, what wizards did to use the bathroom was they just went wherever they were and then vanished it [Sequoia laughs] and my life is RUINED. [laughs] Because now I can't stop thinking about that! Just, there are… there are so many questions that that raises and I just… I'm not okay.
Sequoia: You know what? You very rarely are okay [Kim laughs] so I am not entirely sure how you want me to react to this bit of news.
Kim: What happened to the students that were pooping their pants before they knew how to vanish the poop? Did they have a specific poop vanisher upperclassman assigned to them?
Sequoia: [laughs] You know, that is actually a really good point that I hadn't thought of.
Kim: Sequoia!
Sequoia: First years don't know jack shit about magic.
Kim: Sequoia!
[pause]
Sequoia: Okay, I don't know. Okay. Yeah. Well, you know, J. K. Rowling is [sighs] cancelled anyway, so it's fine. [both laugh]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It's our podcast about Harry Potter fanfiction.
Sequoia: We back!
Kim: Here we are.
Sequoia: Here we are.
Kim: We weren’t gone that long in the listeners’ eyes. Ears.
Sequoia: Right. I… yeah, we… WE haven't recorded in a long time. But in real time…
Kim: Man, that was quite a… that's quite a month that we had.
Sequoia: It… there was several weddings and Comic-Con and Quidditch tournaments and…
Kim: I had fucking something every weekend.
Sequoia: There was no time in this world.
Kim: I just…
Sequoia: For us.
Kim: It's amazing that we survived.
Sequoia: It is. If you'd like to see a great picture of me double fisting on the dance floor at Kim's wedding, you can check our Instagram. [laughs]
Kim: Or Twitter
Sequoia: Or Twitter. [Kim laughs] Anyway. Guys. So since we haven't recorded in a minute, we've got some…
Kim: Shout outs.
Sequoia: Shoutin’ out. Shout outs.
Both: [singing] Shout outs!
Sequoia: Beautiful. Beautiful, beautiful.
Kim: Just as good as they always are.
Sequoia: Just as good.
Kim: We're gonna shout out to those people who were kind enough to drop us some reviews.
Sequoia: I'd like to give a special shout out to this first reviewer here that we have yet to shout out. Ally, I do remember you from the Potterotica/Potterless meetup. It was a pleasure to meet you and I'm so glad that you found our podcast. Thank you so much for reviewing it on iTunes
Kim: And listening!
Sequoia: And listening.
Kim: Aww.
Sequoia: We have a review here from CourtneyCadence, who says that this podcast literally made them actually like podcasts.
Kim: That's insane to me.
Sequoia: That is crazy.
Kim: I'm glad you like us, but [Sequoia laughs] that does not sound right.
Sequoia: Great. I love it. I love it. [Kim laughs] And thank you very much for leaving us a review. And we have one… [chuckles] ‘kay…
Kim: What?
Sequoia: We've got a review here from Nikki:)1234354657687980. [both laugh]
Kim: Sure. Great.
Sequoia: So, Nikki, thank you for leaving us a review entitled Magical! exclamation point.
Kim: Oh, my gosh. The reviews are… it's so nice.
Sequoia: It is so nice. It's my favorite thing.
Kim: Yeah. Well, I know. I don't know. I have a lot of favorite things. I love getting emails.
Sequoia: I love getting stories submitted.
Kim: It’s all good.
Sequoia: We love everything.
Kim: It’s all good!
Sequoia: You guys are great.
Kim: Thank yo… you guys are great! Jeez!
Sequoia: We’ve done nothing to deserve this. [laughs]
Kim: So, keep… keep dropping those reviews. They're super helpful for us finding new listeners. They're super uplifting for us.
Sequoia: Yeah. [both laugh]
Kim: It’s nice to hear.
Sequoia: Send us uplifting stuff. [both laugh again]
Kim: Love them. Five star reviews. So drop us one and we will shout you out just like we just… like… like… like we just did.
Sequoia: [singing] Shout, shout, shout out!
Kim: Can you hear me struggling over here?
Sequoia: [laughs] Listen.
Kim: God.
Sequoia: Would you like to tell the listeners about your decaf coffee experience? [both laugh]
Kim: [fake cries] Okay. We don't know how long, but that guy that I just married. [Sequoia chuckles] Old what’s his face. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Stupid.
Kim: He's been making decaf coffee in the morning for we don't know how long, and we are not okay. [Sequoia laughs] We just found that out today.
Sequoia: I came over to record this and that was the first thing that was said to me. I got out of the car and I'm like, hi! And Kim's like, [very serious tone] I've been drinking decaf coffee in the morning, apparently. I’m dying. [both laugh] Good to see you, also.
Kim: It's nice… It's nice to know that I'm not just dying, and there's a reason why I felt this way but, man! I'm drinking some real coffee for the first time in several days, but I think it's too late for me.
Sequoia: It’s too late. This is the last… the last episode of Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them. [both laugh] Oh, no!
Kim: Sure. That sounds right.
Sequoia: Great. Cool. I'm glad that we've gotten through that. I want… you all need to understand why Kim is having such a hard time with words.
Kim: I’ve spent a long time…
Sequoia: Which is the primary vehicle of this audio only format. [laughs]
Kim: I’ve spent a long time earlier today trying to say the word caricature.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: I did make it through just now, but man! [both laugh] I was… I was trying to say that word for, like, five minutes earlier and I was like, this podcast is not going to go well. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh, man.
Kim: Whooo!
Sequoia: Wooo-weee!
Kim: Here we go!
Sequoia: Okay, so here's the thing.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: I have been reading fanfiction. I read fanfiction for like ten hours today.
Kim: Yeah. Great. [both laugh]
Sequoia: It’s fine.
Kim: You canceled our recording time the other day because you're like, I haven't found anything.
Sequoia: Exactly. Well, here's the thing. Tou fucking read Harry and Mione’s Horcrux Hunt, and then I had to go find something.
Kim: Yeah, I have no idea how I’m gonna…
Sequoia: …to read to our listeners.
Kim: I have no idea how I'm gonna follow that up either. I have not found anything yet. I’m just gonna put that out there.
Sequoia: I… I mean, we've really set the bar at loveada kedavra. [both laugh] And I don't know.
Kim: A beam of…
Sequoia: A beam, a cave…
Kim: …pure chaos.
Sequoia: …of light.
Kim: And distilled fanfiction tropes. [Sequoia laughs] We should… we should just end this, you know? [Sequoia laughs louder] That should be the last episode. [laughs]
Sequoia: We had a great run.
Kim: We can’t top that.
Sequoia: Thank you so much for listening to our podcast. [Kim sighs deeply] We'll see you again never. No, I did. I did.
Kim: All right. You find something?
Sequoia: I found something.
Kim: After reading for ten hours straight.
Sequoia: I found two.
Kim: You found… you found two?
Sequoia: We’re going… we’re going… we’re going from here's a story so long that it takes three episodes, to I’m reading two today. Apparently.
Kim: [laughs] That’s good. That’s fine.
Sequoia: That’s fine, right?
Kim: The listeners weren’t all like, yes, please give us more long stuff. [both laugh]
Sequoia: The reception to the long thing was very good.
Kim: It was.
Sequoia: So we'll… we'll do… we’ll do…
Kim: We’ll look.
Sequoia: We'll look. We'll try to do another one. The hard part for us is that…
Kim: Now we have to read long stuff.
Sequoia: And it just is going to take a lot longer, so it'll be a while until we do another one, but we're… we'll do another one.
Kim: I… I’m looking.
Sequoia: I would love to do another one.
Kim: I’m…
Sequoia: I mean, it’s… as you could tell, by part three, we… we were dying.
Kim: I don’t think… I don’t think we’re ever… I doubt we'll ever record it in one session again. That was too much.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah, that… we…
Kim: We, like…
Sequoia: We cried so many times by the end. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah, no, we spent at least like ten solid minutes of that episode just sobbing.
Sequoia: Just sobbing. So…
Kim: That was not okay.
Sequoia: You know, we’ll… we’ll… we’ll figure out something for y’all.
Kim: Or whatever.
Sequoia: Or whatever.
Kim: That's not the point, though.
Sequoia: I think the most important news is that…
Kim: No, don't talk about this. I don't want to get into it.
Sequoia: …I am winning.
Kim: Fuck you! [both laugh]
Sequoia: And the funniest part is that I'm winning by point five. [laughs once more]
Kim: I know it is. [both laugh] I shouldn’t’ve given you those pity points.
Sequoia: It’s some stupid shit. I shouldn't be winning, but you know what? It’s done.
Kim: Yeah, we did it.
Sequoia: We’re here.
Kim: We’re here.
Sequoia: So… [sighs]
Kim: Fine. After more than a year of recording, you have overtaken me in points. Congratulations.
Sequoia: It won't last long. [both laugh] I was given too many pointportunities.
Kim: You know.
Sequoia: But listen.
Kim: I did it. It's over. I did the thing.
Sequoia: Okay, so are you ready for some pointportunities?
Kim: I mean, no. Never.
Sequoia: I mean…
Kim: I am so bad at this game. [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, this is not gonna … I'm not here to help you. [chuckles]
Kim: Give me some whatever. Give me some whatever.
Sequoia: Give me some predictions, and everyone please tweet your predictions at us.
Kim: Or send them in… whatever.
Sequoia: Or send them via owl.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Directly to our homes.
Kim: Owl them to us or tweet them at us #FanficDivination.
Sequoia: Yeah, especially if you owl them, make sure to hashtag.
Kim: Include that hashtag. Or else how will we sort them?
Sequoia: Exactly. [both laugh] Stupid. Here. Let’s get some predictions in for What's in a Name? Humor.
Kim: [sighs] [whispering] My god.
Sequoia: What's in a Name?
Kim: [whispering] What’s in a Name?
Sequoia: [whispering] What is in a Name?
Kim: [sighs] Oh man. I hate humor tags. It gives you nothing to go off of.
Sequoia: Yeah. True.
Kim: All right, I'm gonna guess… sixth year trio.
Sequoia: ‘Kay.
Kim: I'm gonna guess that it's about Hermione.
Sequoia: ‘Kay.
Kim: Because her name is hard to say.
Sequoia: ‘Kay.
Kim: Why not?
Sequoia: That’s two.
Kim: And I’m gonna guess someone gets in trouble with a professor.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Cool. Yeah. All right.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: Let's fucking do it, y'all.
Kim: Cool. [laughs]
Sequoia: All right. This story is What's in a Name?
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: “You know, you’d think that after six and a half years of potions he’d lighten up a little,” Ron, now a towering 6’ 3’’...
Kim: Wait, was that… was that a point?
Sequoia: Hmmmmm. No. Because six and a half years means they’re in their seventh year.
Kim: [whispering] Six… it could be… could be in the middle of their sixth year. Right?
Sequoia: [whispering] One, two, three, four, five, six… and a half years.
Kim: Depending on how they’re counting.
Sequoia: I’m not going to give it to you.
Kim: Fuck! [both laugh] I’d think I’d get that.
Sequoia: I don’t know, I… we’ll…
Kim: Fine. Fine.
Sequoia: We’ll see. Tweet at us if you think that Kim should get that point. [Kim laughs] ‘Cause I don’t. Six and a half years means they're in their seventh year.
Kim: It doesn’t mean… it could be like the beginning of the sixth year, and then halfway into the sixth year, is what I’m saying.
Sequoia: Oh, is that what you’re saying? [sighs] [mumbling] No, I don’t think… I don’t… well… [groans] we’ll talk about it. [Kim laughs] Goddamit.
Kim: [sighs] Start over. [Sequoia laughs] We’ve lost… I’ve lost the thread!
Sequoia: We’ve lost it. We’ve lost it. “You know, you’d think that after six and a half years of potions he’d lighten up a little,” Ron, now a towering 6’3’’ and spiked red hair… [both laugh]
Kim: The spikes are to make him even taller.
Sequoia: Yes, exactly. He's 6’3’’ with spikes.
Kim: Oh! So, he’s actually more like… more like…
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah. He’s more like 6’1’’.
Kim: Five foot five.
Sequoia: [laughing] He’s five foot five! [both laugh] That is some spiky hair! [both continue to laugh] Great. Ron, now a towering 6’3’’ and spiked red hair, complained as he walked down the hall with his best friend, Harry Potter.
Kim: They are best friends. Correct.
Sequoia: [laughs] Good. Good so far, good so far.
Kim: You never know!
Sequoia: [laughs] That’s true, you don’t.
Kim: With his best friend, Crabbe. [both laugh]
Sequoia: With his best friend, and replacement, Bellatrix Lestrange. [both laugh louder]
Kim: Oh, jeez.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Harry had become… Oh no. Harry had become to look more like his mother as he grew.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: It’s fine. He looks more like his mom because he's growing up and apparently now he looks more like his mom.
Kim: That's not how faces work.
Sequoia: Shhhh. [laughs] He still wore glasses, but his new sleek black frames went well with the red streaked blackness on his head. [both laugh]
Kim: I’m thinking, like, do you remember like the emo glasses that…?
Sequoia: Mm. Mhm. Yes.
Kim: That happened.
Sequoia: This visual bit is good. Yeah. Mhm.
Kim: It’s not a… you know, the emo…
Sequoia: So the emo glasses…
Kim: Emo glasses!
Sequoia: Right, emo glasses and, apparently, as he ages, he’s becoming a redhead. [both laugh]
Kim: You don’t think he just dyed it? You think it’s growing?
Sequoia: Nope.
Kim: Oh, my god!
Sequoia: I think he’s becoming a redhead. [laughs]
Kim: That’s not how things… awesome.
Sequoia: Over the course of time.
Kim: Fine. Yes. Continue. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Harry was finally able to tame his hair…
Kim: No.
Sequoia: …and now brushed it back off his face, showing the famous scar.
Kim: [snorts] [haughtily] Look at my scar!
Sequoia: Oh, me? Oh, my scar? That old thing? [both laugh] Hermione Granger, her brown hair pulled back into a ponytail, revealing an almost angelic like face, jogged to catch up from saying goodbye to her boyfriend, Terry Boot. [Kim snorts] It’s Terry!
Kim: What’s Terry doing here?
Sequoia: Terry is Hermione’s boyfriend. He’s here.
Kim: That’s awesome! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Right? There's… I was like, I never heard of that. But I ship that, probably.
Kim: Yep!
Sequoia: Here we go!
Kim: I’m into that.
Sequoia: Here we go.
Kim: I’m in! [both laugh] Look, I think sixth year would’ve been better if Hermione had just dated someone awesome.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Ron!
Sequoia: [laughs] Fuck you, Ron. [Kim laughs] We’re Ron bashing again this episode, guys!
Kim: Like, okay, Sequoia. Fuck, marry, kill.
Sequoia: Oh my god! [both laugh] Great. Let’s see. Her boyfriend, Terry Boot. She took her usual place between them, and they continued to the Gryffindor common room. “Oh, come on, Ron, this is Snape we're talking about,” Harry laughed. Ron reached around Hermione and clapped his friend on the shoulder. [Kim laughs] “You’d think he'd go easy on you at least.”
Kim: What?
Sequoia: “You did save his life,” Ron pointed out.
Kim: I mean, S… wait. Wha…?
Sequoia: I think we're in a…
Kim: Are we in a post Voldemort world?
Sequoia: Mhm. Yes. I think we’re in a post Voldemort world. [singing to Material Girl tune] We are living in a post Voldemort world, and Harry’s a post Voldemort girl. No? We’re not doing that? We’re not… no Madonna today?
Kim: I mean…
Sequoia: Should I keep that to myself?
Kim: I mean…
Sequoia: [laughs] Never mind. Never mind!
Kim: I mean, if you’re feeling it, go ahead. I guess.
Sequoia: “You did save his life,” Ron pointed out. Harry rolled his eyes. “No I didn't. [Kim splutters] If the headmaster hadn’t shown, Voldemort would have killed us both.”
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: This is… just for context, this is 2003.
Kim: This is after book five came out?
Sequoia: Yes. No.
Kim: No, wait, what month? Depending on what month…
Sequoia: June. Sixth.
Kim: [quietly] Is that before the book came out? Fuck.
Sequoia: I don’t know. [singing] We have to look it up! Now! This is a segment! Look up the time when the book came out! [laughs] Ow! No? No? Listen, I am going to need you to get on board with my singing today.
Kim: I’m barely here [Sequoia laughs] in body. June twenty first. This is barely before book five came out.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: I love…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Okay, I love stories that came out, like, in the month leading up to book five coming out…
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: …because people went nuts.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Awesome.
Sequoia: They were like, it's time! It's time! It's time! Yeah.
Kim: Yeah, so this person is guessing that Harry took down Voldemort at the end of book five. Great! Do that.
Sequoia: No, I still say they’re in their…
Kim: No.
Sequoia: …seventh year. Mhm.
Kim: I don’t think they’re… I think they’re in their sixth year.
Sequoia: Mhm. Mhm. Mhm.
Kim: [quietly] I think… I think they’re in their sixth year.
Sequoia: So keep in mind this is before book five, okay?
Kim: Okay. Yeah.
Sequoia: So I’m gonna say that again.
Kim: So Harry and Snape were saved by Dumbledore.
Sequoia: Yes. Voldemort…
Kim: But maybe Harry saves Snape a little bit.
Sequoia: Yeah. Well…
Kim: And now his hair’s red.
Sequoia: And now his hair’s red. [laughs]
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: “Yeah, but you told the headmaster how to find you,” Ron said, still trying to argue. Hermione made a mock frustrated noise, and the boys turn their attention to her.
Kim: What’s a mock frustrated noise? [laughs]
Sequoia: I was just about to ask you if you would like to try that out.
Kim: KPTHEHH! [both laugh loudly]
Sequoia: Oh, that was nothing. I liked it. [both laugh] Mine would have been more of like a… [exhales loudly] or like a… [exhales, then groans slightly] or like a…
Kim: That’s too frustrated sounding.
Sequoia: I’m… okay, okay.
Kim: If you’re mocking being frustrated…
Sequoia: Oh, man, then it just gets crazy [laughs]
Kim: Right? That noise that I made.
Sequoia: It’s like… HMMMEWWHH! [both laugh]
Kim: Oh my god. Sure. Fine.
Sequoia: Okay, good. Hermione said “HMMEWHH,” and the boys turned their attention to her.
Kim: And then they’re like, are you vomiting? What’s wrong with you?
Sequoia: [laughs] “This is pointless. The war's been over for more than a year and you're still arguing? Can’t you just accept the perhaps Professor Snape is too set in his ways to change? Or perhaps he just doesn't like you. That's not as far fetched as you might believe.” [both laugh]
Kim: Not everyone likes you, Harry.
Sequoia: Yeah, Harry, come on!
Kim: But I’m the chosen one!
Sequoia: Oh, this scar?! [both laugh loudly]
Kim: Everybody loves me!
Sequoia: Harry smiled and winked.
Kim: [chokes out a laugh] What?!
Sequoia: “Who couldn’t love me?” he asked. [laughs quietly]
Kim: [singing] What is…
Both: [harmonizing] …happening?
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: See? We’re on the… [Kim groans] the singing train.
Kim: Oh, man.
Sequoia: The sing train today. [both laugh] No? Okay. They both groaned as the portrait swung open at the password.
Kim: Was that the password?
Sequoia: [barely able to contain laughter] “What was that?” Hermione rounded on him.
Kim: No! No. Was that the password?
Sequoia: Yes, it was the password.
Kim: [laughs] Then why’s Hermione confused?
Sequoia: Because… “Hey, I’m Head boy. I can change the password if I want.”
Kim: Oh, it actually was the password!
Sequoia: It was actually the password! [both laugh]
Kim: Nice. What? Nice!
Sequoia: Too fuckin’ good. [Kim laughs] Ron mussed his hair, and Hermione rolled her eyes.
Kim: Mussed Harry’s hair?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: He’s like, aw, little buddy.
Sequoia: He’s like, come ‘ere you little twerp! [both laugh] After all, Harry is like five foot four and Ron is a million feet tall.
Kim: Sure. [Sequoia laughs] Fine.
Sequoia: Aw, you little twerp!
Kim: Harry worked so hard to smooth his hair, though.
Sequoia: [laughing] I know. He did. He worked so hard. He even got new glasses.
Kim: Do you think he bought a new hat?
Sequoia: [laughs] Do you like my new hat? [both laugh] That was a good call back.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: You don't make a lot of call backs and I always appreciate it when you do.
Kim: Yeah. [Sequoia chuckles] It's nice that we're talking about the fact that it's a call back right now.
Sequoia: Yeah. We’re good
Kim: That really makes it better.
Sequoia: It, like, solidifies it in the goodness. Okay, great. Hermione rolled her eyes. “You two are incorrigible,” she said as she began to pull out her homework. [sing-song voice] “Thank you!” they chorused. [laughs] That was good, right?
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Why do you look so upset? It was good. I don't know why you look upset right now. [Kim cry laughs in the background] It was good and great and fine.
Kim: [strained] Great. That was great.
Sequoia: Harry set his bag down and was about to pull out his Transfiguration homework when Colin Creevey caught his eye from across the common room and beckoned him over.
Kim: Like,winking? Like…
Sequoia: Heeeey!
Kim: Harry!
Sequoia: Harry!
Kim: Do you think he was doing, like, eyebrow stuff?
Sequoia: Eyebrows. Wink. Eyebrow wink eyebrow.
Kim: This is great.
Sequoia: Oh, double wink!
Kim: We’re doing too many…
Both: …visual bits! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh, good.
Kim: Oh no!
Sequoia: “Hey, Colin, how are things going with Ginny?”
Kim: Na… wha… HUH?! Wha wha-wha whaaat?
Sequoia: [laughs] Wha? Yeah, Colin and Ginny are dating in this universe, and it is only relevant for that one sentence.
Kim: [whispering] Awesome!
Sequoia: [whispering] Great. Great.
Kim: What is happening?
Sequoia: [continues whispering] I don’t know. [Kim laughs] I don’t… I don’t ship it, though.
Kim: Hermione’s dating Terry Boot
Sequoia: Terry Boot!
Kim: Ginny and Colin.
Sequoia: It’s fine.
Kim: Weird.
Sequoia: Colin smiled, his face red. “Great, Harry. Look, my parents sent me this as sort of an April Fool's thing. It's really funny.” Colin looked as though he might explode with laughter any second, so Harry took the parchment. He scanned it, followed the instructions, and doubled over in laughter. Hermione and Ron looked up, then at each other, shaking their heads.
Kim: What is happening?
Sequoia: “What's wrong, Harry?” Ron asked walking over to help his friend to the couch. Harry managed two words through his laughter. “Loopy… Bubblesniffer!” He erupted again and Colin joined him.
Kim: What? [Sequoia laughs] What?
Sequoia: I’m sorry!
Kim: What? What?
Sequoia: Loopy Bubblesniffer.
Kim: Okay, fine.
Sequoia: It is clearly what I said.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Clearly.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Thank you.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Ron looked at Hermione, a little frightened.
Kim: I'm a little frightened.
Sequoia: [laughs] “Herms.”
Kim: No!
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: What the fuck? [Sequoia cackles] Why?!
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: No!
Sequoia: “Herms, I think he's finally cracked. He's gone nutters!”
Kim: I mean, he was already acting completely insane.
Sequoia: Oh, look at my scar! My hair’s turning red. Everything’s fine!
Kim: I’m Head Boy!
Sequoia: I’m Head Boy! [Kim laughs] Harry thrust the parchment into Ron's hands and Ron began to read. After a few seconds, his face became redder than it had ever been…
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: …and he joined Harry in high volumes of laughter…
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: …clutching his side.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: “Oh, go on,” Hermione flew over and snatch the parchment from Ron’s hand.
Kim: Hermione flew. [both laugh] Just flapping around across the room. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Every time. [laughs]
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Scanning the page for the joke. “It can't be that… funny!” All four of them collapsed on the floor, rolling around, faces red.
Kim: Is this parchment, like, cursed? [both laugh]
Sequoia: No. This is ridiculous. [both laugh some more]
Kim: Shit.
Sequoia: As soon as the laughter died down, Harry wiped the tears from his eyes. “What were your names?” he asked his friends.
Kim: Whaaat?
Sequoia: Ron sniggered and coughed before regaining some composure. “Zippy Girdlefanny,” he replied [Kim splutters] which sent them into more fits of laughter.
Kim: Girdlefanny. [Sequoia laughs] It’s funny because fanny has two different meanings. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh my god! Hermione held up her hands as if to say hers was by far better. “Mine tops you all,” she said…
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: …clearing her throat.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: [clears throat] “Loopy Gizzardchunks.” It doesn’t top them. [laughs]
Kim: Ron’s was way better.
Sequoia: By this time, they had picked themselves up off the floor, but now they were right back down. For hours, they sat in the common room renaming everyone they could think of. Harry slapped his hand on his knee.
Kim: HOURS?
Sequoia: Hours. Hours. It’s very funny.
Kim: Is it?
Sequoia: It's very, very, very funny. [laughs quietly]
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Harry slapped his hand on his knee. “Voldemort’s is Pinky Cootienose!” [both chuckle]
Kim: Are you sure this parchment isn't cursed?
Sequoia: I’m sure. “That's nothing, Harry. McGonagall’s is Zippy Gigglehiney.”
Kim: Hiney.
Sequoia: Hiney. “Look!”
Kim: Why are they all like, that’s nothing? Can’t they all be just as funny?
Sequoia: [laughs] [serious, deadpan tone] No. Somebody must win.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: No, nobody has to win. [both laugh] “Look, my brother's is Zippy Gizzardtush,” Colin pointed out. Several people approached them, wondering what was so bloody hilarious…
Kim: Nothing.
Sequoia: …and left with a new name and smiles on their faces.
Kim: But no… nobody else is convulsing on the ground.
Sequoia: No. They are all having an extreme reaction to what's happening. [Kim laughs] Everyone else is like, well, it's kind of funny. Look, I've got a new name. and they're like, I AM DYING! [Kim sputters] I can’t stand up!
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Some asked for copies of the parchment, which they gladly gave. They soon realized it was time for dinner.
Kim: [quietly] Copies? Did they, like, make the copies?
Sequoia: I mean, I guess there's… there's probably a duplication charm.
Kim: Right? Did they just… okay.
Sequoia: Where you can just make a copy of it.
Kim: But you can’t… you can't copy if it's cursed, which it clearly is.
Sequoia: It’s not cursed. [both laugh] Great. Yes. Yes.
Kim: I don’t think the curse would copy over so it’s… maybe that's why it's not having same effect on everyone
Sequoia: On other people. Exactly. They’re not touching the parchment.
Kim: ‘Cause they’re not getting the cursed version. [both laugh] Jesus Christ.
Sequoia: Great. Yes, exactly what you said. [Kim laughs] As blah blah, blah. And they each took a copy of the parchment, ready to pass it around the school.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: “Oh, this will cause an uproar,” Harry chuckled, as they walked into the Great Hall.
Kim: Will it?
Sequoia: “What will, Harry?” “Snape is Squeezeit Rhinobiscuits,” he whispered. [Kim exhales] [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Stupid!
Sequoia: Ron snorted, causing him to stumble into a passing Hufflepuff.
Kim: Oh, those Hufflepuffs.
Sequoia: They’re just always underfoot! [both laugh]
Kim: I thought that was first years.
Sequoia: [laughs] Maybe he was a first year Hufflepuff.
Kim: Oh! Double underfoot. [Sequoia laughs] Under both feet.
Sequoia: Ron’s very tall. He can't see them.
Kim: [laughs] It's all hair.
Sequoia: It’s all hair. They sat down and waited for the headmaster to make his usual speech.
Kim: Is it the first day? What?
Sequoia: No, he just makes a speech before every fea… every dinner.
Kim: No, he doesn't.
Sequoia: Yes he does. According to fanfic world, I'm pretty sure he does.
Kim: Okay, fine.
Sequoia: For every time they eat a meal. [both laugh]
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Dumbledore stood, smiling more than usual. The other professors were a mixture of emotions. A few, like McGonagall and Snape, looked less than happy, while Vector was trying not to smile. Crazy old Professor Vector, you know.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: “Ah! Welcome to dinner. As you know, tomorrow is April Fool's Day.”
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: “Now, a certain parchment has found its way into my hands.”
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: “And just as a little joke, I'm changing the names of the houses, just for tomorrow.”
Kim: [laughs] Okay. Fine.
Sequoia: Harry's eyes widened…
Kim: What?
Sequoia: …and he turned his friends.
Kim: Harry, it’s not that funny. Oh no.
Sequoia: This is the most exciting thing that's ever happened to them, okay?
Kim: To Harry?!
Sequoia: [chuckling] Let them have this!
Kim: Harry, come on, buddy. [Sequoia laughs] [Kim sighs] Oh, buddy.
Sequoia: “Please tell me he's not talking about what I think he's talking about.”
Kim: Who said that?
Sequoia: Harry. [Kim laughs] I don’t know. I don’t know. He was really stoked about it, now he’s scared. I don’t know.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Ron snickered. “From the look on Snape’s face, I'd say that's a good bet, Harry.” “Now, Hufflepuff house, tomorrow, you shall be called Chickenbreath.”
Kim: [splutters] What?
Sequoia: Chuckles were heard from the Slytherin table.
Kim: [under her breath] Oh my god.
Sequoia: The Gryffindors hid smiles and the Ravenclaws looked confused.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: “Ravenclaws, your new name for tomorrow is Appletush.” [Kim snorts] More laughter from the Slytherin table.
Kim: [chuckling quietly] Appletush.
Sequoia: But Harry shook his head. “Gryffindors, you shall be called Gizzardbreath.”
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Now the Slytherin table erupted in laughter. Draco Malfoy…
Kim: It’s not… it’s not that funny.
Sequoia: …heading them all.
Kim: What do you think Draco’s name is? Oh, we’ll find out. [both laugh] We’ll get there, I bet.
Sequoia: Harry poked Ron and Hermione. “Let’s see how funny they think their new name is.” Harry tucked the parchment back into his pocket and smiled.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: “What do you mean, Harry?” Ron asked.
Kim: Ron! [Sequoia laughs] Ron, come on, buddy. Get on board. It’s not that… not that complicated.
Sequoia: Not that complicated.
Kim: You guys read everything on this parchment.
Sequoia: You were there…
Both: …for hours! [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Why do you not understand what’s happening?
Sequoia: “You’ll see,” was all he said as Dumbledore waited for the Slytherins to calm down. “Slytherins, tomorrow your house will go by Liversniffer.” Not that great. [laughs]
Kim: None of these are that good!
Sequoia: The entire Hall…
Kim: Ron’s is still the best!
Sequoia: [laughing] Ron’s is still the best.
Kim: Stupid.
Sequoia: The entire Hall, minus one table, erupted into uncontrollable laughter.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Draco's face became red.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: [haughtily] “I will not!” he yelled. [Kim laughs] “This is ludicrous!” [both laugh]
Kim: Oh, wow.
Sequoia: Ron grabbed his wadded up parchment from his pocket and scanned it briefly before yelling out, “Shut up. Poopsie Applebreath!” Hermione fell off her seat, holding her side, but Harry just placed his head in his hands.
Kim: Ol’ Poopsie.
Sequoia: Tomorrow was gonna be one weird day.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: The end.
Kim: Oh, the end?
Sequoia: [laughs] That's it. That’s the end.
Kim: [sighs] Poopsie.
Sequoia: Poopsie Applebreath.
Kim: [sighs] I don't understand the rules.
Sequoia: I have the rules here in front of me. They posted it as a second chapter.
Kim: Ooh! They posted it?
Sequoia: Was all the rules.
Kim: Oh, nice!
Sequoia: Do you want…
Kim: Okay, give us the rules.
Sequoia: Yeah, okay, well…
Kim: We need… we need to know.
Sequoia: I can't just… there's a lot of rules. I can't read out the rules.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: But I'll read out the rules and tell you what yours is.
Kim: Oh, great.
Sequoia: Okay? So use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name.
Kim: M.
Sequoia: Pinky.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Okay. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name.
Kim: A.
Sequoia: Apple.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: [laughing] Just Draco! What’s happening?
Kim: My first name’s not Poopsie, though.
Sequoia: It wasn’t? What was it?
Kim: It was Pinky.
Sequoia: Pinky! Pinky Apple… use the fourth letter of your last name.
Kim: R.
Sequoia: Buns.
Kim: [snorts] Stupid.
Sequoia: Pinky Applebuns.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: That’s your name.
Kim: Great!
Sequoia: Yeah?
Kim: And yours?
Sequoia: And my name is… let’s see. My name is…
Kim: [quietly] Hope it’s Poopsie.
Sequoia: Slimy…
Kim: Oh, we didn't hear a Slimy in the story.
Sequoia: I know. It's because no… the third letter of no one's first name is Q.
Kim: Oh, sure, right.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs] Just me.
Kim: I thought the third letter of your name was U.
Sequoia: No. [both laugh] Nice one, though. Nice inside joke.
Kim: Oh, oh, that’s an inside joke. What!
Sequoia: Deep cut. Thanks, mom. [Kim laughs] She listens to the podcast. She’ll get it.
Kim: She'll get it!
Sequoia: Slimy… uh, let’s see. Waffle.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Hiney! [Kim snorts] Slimy Wafflehiney!
Kim: Yours is better than mine.
Sequoia: That one’s pretty good! [both laugh] Great.
Kim: Oh, nice!
Sequoia: Excellent.
Kim: I think we should…
Sequoia: I’m gonna post…
Kim: Post that, yeah!
Sequoia: I’m gonna post the rules
Kim: Good!
Sequoia: So that you can all…
Kim: Work on that.
Sequoia: Work on that. Tell us what your names are. Okay, great!
Kim: And then die of laughter.
Sequoia: Because it’s the funniest thing you’ve literally ever heard in your entire life. Nothing this exciting has ever happened to you or will ever happen to you again.
Kim: Did you touch the parchment? [both laugh loudly]
Sequoia: Cursed parchment. Okay, great!
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: There you go.
Kim: I got zero points.
Sequoia: No, you… didn’t?
Kim: No, I didn’t. I didn’t.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah, you didn’t. You got zero points. That’s fine. That took longer than I thought it was gonna take.
Kim: [laughing] We just gotta end it, buddy.
Sequoia: We gotta end it. That was all. That was what I did today. That was not the plan. [laughs]
Kim: [singing] Duh duh duh duh duh duh. Wah!
Sequoia: Cool. Just something stupid to lighten up your day today.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: That story was super fun.
Sequoia: I’m… yeah. I found that.
Kim: It was really silly.
Sequoia: I was reading fanfiction for ten hours today. [both laugh]
Kim: Were you laughing hysterically by the time you were done like they did?
Sequoia: No! [laughs]
Kim: Oh. Were you just crying?
Sequoia: Which is why I was like, wow, what is happening? [both laugh]
Kim: Well, that was good.
Sequoia: I was like, this is fun. This is fun. I was never going to find anything as insane as Harry and Mione’s Horcrux Hunt.
Kim: I don’t think either of us is ever gonna find…
Sequoia: Ever. Forever.
Kim: That story’s like a… that’s like a one in a million story.
Sequoia: Exactly. So I was like, I'm gonna find something that is just fun.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And that's what I found. And we're not doing two stories because I…
Kim: We are not.
Sequoia: I should have known.
Kim: Come on, buddy.
Sequoia: I know. I should know by now.
Kim: We're out of time.
Sequoia: All right, well.
Kim: Give us your…
Sequoia: Give us your…
Kim: Give us our two segments.
Sequoia: [singing rather pitifully] SUMMARIES! [laughs]
Kim: It’s my favorite segment.
Sequoia: [whispering] Ah, fuckin’ shit. Instructions on creating a new name for yourself leads the dream team to hysterics. When Dumbledore gets a hold of said instructions, pure chaos ensues!
Kim: It was not chaos.
Sequoia: [laughing] It wasn’t.
Kim: It was not chaos.
Sequoia: [laughing] It wasn’t. [both laugh] [both sigh]
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Yep. There you go. And then our other… what? Our other…
Kim: Recommendation!
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: I guess it’s not really a segment.
Sequoia: I… I… yeah. I wouldn’t really call that…
Kim: Then give us a recommendation anyway.
Sequoia: Yes. Let me… I'm sorry. I don't have that pulled up right now.
Kim: We can call it… here, let's call this segment something. It's time for the… rec zone.
Sequoia: [laughs] It’s the REC ZONE! Pew pew pew pewwww!
Kim: [laughs] Nice!
Sequoia: Cool. Cool, cool, cool. See? You can have a podcast for a year and still be…
Kim: Still keep it fresh!
Sequoia: Still keep it fresh. [whispering] Oh, fuck where is it? Sorry. All right! So, now that we've entered the rec zone, I have just realized that I lost the story that I was gonna rec today.
Kim: Great
Sequoia: So instead…
Kim: I’m gonna rec something.
Sequoia: …Kim’s gonna rec something. Everything’s fine.
Kim: This one came in as a listener submission, and it's fucking amazing. I really like it. One of the tags on the story is, fixing the Harry Potter canon is my therapy. [Sequoia laughs] Which is, like, oh god, me!
Sequoia: Yes. Yes.
Kim: That’s… that’s me. So the story is called Dial Tone, and it's about… it's about Dudley. He has a magical child, and kind of him relating to Harry and his kid, and it's really sweet and really good. So…
Sequoia: Excellent.
Kim: …that will be in the episode description.
Both: And on our website!
Sequoia: Oh, Jesus. [Kim laughs] Just… just cancel our show now. Just cancel it.
Kim: We should’ve cancelled it last time.
Sequoia: [laughs] Okay. So if you would like to interact with us on the social medias [Kim snorts] we have them.
Kim: Yup. [both laugh] How is this getting worse with time? [both keep laughing] Oh, no. We both touched the parchment! [both devolve into hysterical cry laughter]
Sequoia: [still laughing] It’s really hot down here in the studio. I’m feeling very hot. I’m feeling… [Kim laughs] why does anyone listen to this? Okay.
Kim: Try it again. Try it again. Start from the beginning.
Sequoia: Okay, great. [deep breath] You can find us on social media on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter @FanaticalFics.
Kim: You can also drop us an email, if you want to do that for whatever reason.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: We’re fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Sequoia: If you go to our website…
Both: …fanaticalfics.com…
Sequoia: [laughs] …you can find a list of our episodes, a full list of all of our recommendations, and you can submit a story for us to read because we like fanfiction and we want to know what you like.
Kim: Yep. There's also some merch on there.
Sequoia: There is some merch on there.
Kim: Stickers.
Sequoia: Somebody ordered stickers from us for the first time the other day, and I just, like… it was a great moment. They ordered one sticker and I sent them… one of all of our stickers. [Kim laughs] Because I was very happy. It’s fine.
Kim: Don’t tell them that. [Sequoia laughs] They’ll think they’re gonna get a bunch of…
Sequoia: You’re not gonna get that.
Kim: You’re not gonna get that. That doesn’t happ… we didn’t do that!
Sequoia: We have a new sticker coming out in a couple of weeks.
Kim: We do.
Sequoia: That I'm very, very, very excited about.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: So check our website for some merch and some recommendations and chat with us on social media.
Kim: Yep. So in addition to merch, you can support this podcast in a few ways.
Sequoia: You can leave us a review. As you heard, we do shout out to all of our reviews because we love them.
Kim: Yep. They mean so much to us.
Sequoia: They do. Yeah, you can review us both on iTunes and on Facebook.
Kim: Yep, do that.
Sequoia: Excellent. You can also support the podcast via Patreon. We did post something on Patreon the other day where we talked about Luna and her different ships, her different romantic ships. So…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: We're doing some bonus audio content over there.
Kim: We’ve got some bonus written content. Sequoia’s story may finally be going up.
Sequoia: I finished it.
Kim: Is it gonna be up by the time…? No, it won’t be up by...
Sequoia: Not by the time this comes out.
Kim: Nope! It’ll be up some day.
Sequoia: It’s gonna go… it’s done.
Kim: Yeah, there’s… so I've got some fanfic up there, Sequoia may some day have some fanfic up there. [Sequoia laughs] Yeah. I think we’re gonna record another bonus episode after this.
Sequoia: Yeah, we are.
Kim: If we can keep it together.
Sequoia: Who knows? It's very hot down here. I don't know what's happening to me. I'm falling apart. Yeah.
Kim: [laughs] So check out our Patreon. The link is…
Sequoia: On our website.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Cool.
Kim: Speaking of patrons, one of the things that we do for our patrons that have been supporting us for six months or more is you get a special shout out on the podcast in the form of a character bit…
Sequoia: Or…
Kim: …in a voice or a story summary.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: And Sequoia, do you want to start us off?
Sequoia: Yeah. I'm going to start us off with a… with a little story summary here.
Kim: Cool!
Sequoia: All right. [clears throat] Jen was just a regular witch, until the day she was kidnapped by He Who Must Not Be Named! While being held captive in the Malfoy Manor she befriends a silver haired boy who tells her about a prophecy. Is Jen destined to save Harry Potter and defeat the Dark Lord? Will she discover a secret power hitherto unknown by the wizarding world? Will she gaze into Draco’s steel gray eyes and declare her love? A/N Next chapter coming once I pass my math test! Lolz! [both laugh]
Kim: That was really good.
Sequoia: Good. Good, good.
Kim: All right. I got one, I got one. Harry looked at Allie and he realized that she was the most delicious witch [Sequoia laughs] that he had ever seen. Her hair was like a feisty cinnamon bun [Sequoia laughs again] and her eyes were like two chocolate chips shining meltily from her luscious cookie face. [both break down in laughter] My god.
Sequoia: [sighs deeply] Oh, man!
Kim: So there you go.
Sequoia: Great. There you go, yeah.
Kim: Thank you so much for supporting us. It means so much to us.
Sequoia: We appreciate you so much. We hope that you liked our shout outs today.
Kim: And thanks to the Whomping Willows for letting us use their amazing song, Wolfstar. Bye!
Sequoia: Bye! [both laugh]