Episode 35: Lily's Downfall
Today Sequoia is going to read 200 fan fics and then write a 25 chapter DraMione… or not. Let’s get into it kids, it’s time for more Marauders!
Recommendation: Of Norklesvanian Hairdos and Being Sixteen
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/1515389/1/Of-Norklesvanian-Hairdos-and-Being-Sixteen
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This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
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Checker: Skylar
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If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Kim: I feel like I don't just do stupid shit off the cuff anymore. I always... like, the setup takes so long that I'm not like goofing around any more? You know?
Sequoia: You've really changed, man. [both laugh]
Kim: I mean, maybe I haven't. I'm focusing really hard right now on not being bothered by how much the pop filter’s touching my boob. [Sequoia laughs] It's like all the way around it.
Sequoia: [laughs more]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/And it ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It's our podcast where we read Harry Potter fanfiction…
Sequoia: What whaaat?
Kim: ...to you.
Sequoia: To you. I actually haven't been reading as much Harry Potter fanfiction lately.
Kim: Really?
Sequoia: It's because I did such, like, a... like that day when I read like…
Kim: For ten hours? Yeah, yeah.
Sequoia: ...ten hours of fanfiction. I found a lot of stuff.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: And then I haven't needed to for the podcast, so I was catching up on our listener submitted stories.
Kim: You have? I read that whooole... we got a... like a fairly long one and I read all of it and then I read the sequel to it because I couldn't stop. [Sequoia laughs] I tweeted about my favorite sentence from the first half.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: But that was quite a ride.
Sequoia: Listen, it's hard. [Kim laughs] You know, I love that people are sending us that long shit.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: Because we like…
Kim: I read [pause] all of it.
Sequoia: It was long!
Kim: It was so [laughing] good! I can't say that it was good, but I did read all of it.
Sequoia: Listen…
Kim: It was fun.
Sequoia: The thing is like, I haven't gotten to any of the long stuff...
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: ...that has been submitted to us yet.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: So when you were describing it to me, [Kim chuckles] I was like, what the fuck listener submission are you TALKING about right now?
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Because it didn't cross my mind that you had had the time to sit there and read like thousands of words.
Kim: I didn't. I just did it. [laughs]
Sequoia: Okay, great. [laughs]
Kim: I didn't have the time. But I just went ahead and read like twenty five chapters. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Oh, it was amazing!
Sequoia: Awesome.
Kim: This is where we would normally shout out to any new...
Both: Reviews.
Kim: But we don't have any, so shout out to our submitters instead.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: You guys are great.
Sequoia: [singing] Shout out to submissions. Nice. Okay, so here's the thing.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Is I'm going to read you fanfiction today.
Kim: Okay. How many are you going to claim right now that you're gonna read?
Sequoia: One.
Kim: Sure. That's believable, actually. That’s believable.
Sequoia: So now I’m actually gonna read three. [both laugh] No. I... even though this one…
Kim: Do you remember that time you said you were gonna read three?
Sequoia: I do remember that. [Kim laughs in the background] That was a long time ago.
Kim: That was funny.
Sequoia: I was young and naive. [laughs]
Kim: You still do that, though.
Sequoia: But I never say three.
Kim: You haven't said three, that's true.
Sequoia: That was just the one time that I said three. [Kim chuckles] That was so unrealistic. [sighs]
Kim: I got shit to say.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Shit.
Sequoia: I know. I think this is a... this is a moment for you to surpass me in points.
Kim: You say that, but…
Sequoia: I... you know what? I believe that you can seize your moment on this one.
Kim: Okay. All right.
Sequoia: I think that the title does some stuff for you.
Kim: Yeah, you know…
Sequoia: You know, and I… [laughs]
Kim: [sighs] I just... it doesn't... it doesn't ever actually pan out that way though.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: We'll see.
Sequoia: We'll see. All right, so...
Kim: Listeners, don't forget to send in your predictions as well. If you tweet them to us, don't forget #FanficDivination, so that we can see them.
Sequoia: Mhm. Make sure to draw your predictions...
Kim: Some of you guys are doing pretty well. Okay, fine.
Sequoia: ...and send them to us on Instagram.
Kim: Fine. Say that.
Sequoia: [perked up] No, people are doing really well!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I was so mad that I didn't guess there was no magic in the fucking CPR story. [Kim chuckles] Of course there was no magic in that story. Damn!
Kim: That... that… [sighs] that prediction I'm not super a fan of because, like, that's 90% of fanfiction. No one uses magic.
Sequoia: Yeah, I guess. [pause] Cool, so I'm gonna read fanfiction. [laughs]
Kim: Oh, right. [both laugh]
Sequoia: And you are gonna predict what's gonna happen in this fanfiction. Are you ready?
Kim: Sure!
Sequoia: Sure, okay, fine. This is called Lily’s Downfall [long pause] [Kim snorts] and it is humor/parody.
Kim: Parody? That's a new tag.
Sequoia: Yeaaaaah.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: Getting into it.
Kim: Yeah, you don't see that often.
Sequoia: You don't.
Kim: But I like it. Those are usually... the parody ones are usually actually funny.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Or just nonsense. [chuckles] Or funny nonsense, I guess. [Sequoia laughs] I always think it's funny, but…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Okay, so this is definitely Marauders era.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: Okay, so, hmm... Lily's Downfall. [sighs] Is it fair to say this is gonna be a Lily and James getting together story or is that too obvious?
Sequoia: I mean, we've done before where like the... like, one person's name is in the title or whatever.
Kim: Right, but Marauders era is a little different from Trio era. Because it's…
Sequoia: Because yeah, it could be like...
Kim: ‘Cause there's only like two stories.
Sequoia: Right, because it could be Harry slash anyone?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: As opposed to like, Lily... I mean, you see Lily paired with Remus sometimes.
Kim: Not that often.
Sequoia: And yeah, I don't know. I mean, I don't know.
Kim: I guess, I'm gonna guess Lily's Head Girl in this.
Sequoia: Okay, okay.
Kim: I'm gonna guess… [pause] Sirius is pulling a dumb prank. A really dumb one. [chuckles]
Sequoia: Okay, great.
Kim: Um, I'm gonna guess that there is motorcycle talk in this.
Sequoia: Mmmmotorcycles?
Kim: Like Sirius’s motorcycle gets mentioned.
Sequoia: Oh, okay. Okay. Okaaay...
Kim: Is that too Siriuscentric? Maybe.
Sequoia: I mean, I did... I expected nothing less from you. [both laugh]
Kim: That’s all I think about. [laughs]
Sequoia: It's fine. It's fine.
Kim: All right, cool.
Sequoia: Okay, so this story is called Lily's Downfall.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: “Okay, Peter, give ‘em a spin.” “Really? You mean it?” [Kim chuckles]
Kim: It's always exciting when Peter’s there. [Sequoia laughs] Peter is often not there.
Sequoia: Yes. Because he sucks.
Kim: Yeah, but okay. The thing about Marauders is that they WERE friends with him.
Sequoia: Yeah, that's true. Yes.
Kim: So if you're writing it, he can't just suck. [Sequoia laughs] Come on!
Sequoia: James laughed. “It's about time you had a turn.”
Kim: Turn doing what? Something... something's good!
Sequoia: Somethin’. Some somethin’ somethin’. Pettigrew smiled and walked over to the first of three giant spinners lining the Gryffindor common room.
Kim: What is happening? [Sequoia laughs] Something stupid.
Sequoia: He quickly spun the large hand with all his might and the four Gryffindor boys watched it as it whirled around the circle. “Come on, pink,” Sirius said encouragingly. [Kim laughs]
Kim: What?
Sequoia: “No chance,” Lupin said. “We had pink last week.”
Kim: That's not how probability works. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: They don't have to take math!
Kim: Remus! [Sequoia laughs] Come on, buddy.
Sequoia: “I'm rooting for yellow,” James said. “Yes!”
Kim: Playing Candyland? What's happening?
Sequoia: There's a... there's a giant spinner in the common room and they're spinning it.
Kim: Great. Great.
Sequoia: Sirius would very much like for it to land on pink.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: He loves pink.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: “Yes!” shouted Sirius. “Pink it is!” [Kim laughs] Okay. Peter... [pause] Petergrew?
Kim: Is that what it says?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: That's just what I said. [laughs]
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: Trying that again. Pettigrew. I don't know why they're calling him Pettigrew but…
Kim: ‘Cause they don't like him that much.
Sequoia: Pettigrew quickly walked from the first spinner, which was pointing at a giant “PINK” engraved on the bottom left...
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: ...and walked over to the second. Another spin...
Kim: Um…
Sequoia: ...and the Marauders started up. “Hair!” yelled Sirius. “Skin,” Remus argued.
Kim: Okay, so they're like determining their next prank by spinning spinners. Is that the premise here?
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: Why are the spinners enormous and in the middle of the common room? [Sequoia laughs] I feel like that would make it harder for them to pull the prank that is determined by them.
Sequoia: Right, but they're not pulling the prank on anyone who might see them in the Gryffindor common room.
Kim: Ohhhhh. All right, Snivellus. [both laugh]
Sequoia: “Skin,” Remus argued. “How about skin and hair?” Pettigrew asked.
Kim: Is that if it lands on the line between them? [Sequoia laughs] They just do both?
Sequoia: I think there's one that says skin and hair. [Kim snorts]
Kim: Fine. Are there only like three options? I feel like... [laughs] whatever, continue. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, I don't know. I'm not entirely sure what the other options... Oh, no, we get one. No, I can see it. “No way,” James said. “There's no way it could... I don't believe it!” All four of them stared at the wheel in awe. It was a rare event, worthy of celebration.
Kim: That's not how probability works.
Sequoia: “Skin, hair, and robes!” Lupin said in amazement.
Kim: What is... what? [laughs]
Sequoia: It landed on skin, hair, and robes.
Kim: Hooow?
Sequoia: Because it's a spinner, with a... there’s a...
Kim: I don't under... Fine. Fucking continue. That's not... what is happening? Does it have like a multitude of different pointers and they could all end up pointing at... I don't understand what's happening!
Sequoia: I think there's a thing... there's one that says skin and one that says hair and one that says robes.
Kim: The only way that it would be rare is if it was like a really tiny piece of the... they have like... Have they determined which ones they like better and then they're bigger pieces of the spinner?
Sequoia: I mean…
Kim: And then the ones they like less are smaller.
Sequoia: I would say that skin, hair, and robes is arguably the best one.
Kim: Also, are they just changing his things’ colors? That's not a very interesting prank. They should be more... like, they were arguing over colors on the first spinner. There should be like slimy, sticky. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Sticky skin, hair, and robes. [Kim laughs]
Kim: Pus filled!
Sequoia: That's way better than pink.
Kim: Right? [both laugh]
Sequoia: Excellent. Good. “Oh yeah,” Sirius and James said, grinning like maniacs. “Final spin,” Peter said. Oh, he's Peter again. [both laugh]
Kim: What’s on the third spinner? So we've got an adjective, a noun...
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Is it gonna be a verb? Adverb? Continue.
Sequoia: “Final spin,” Peter said as he gave the third wheel a twirl. Lupin, James, and Sirius tried not to snicker. They lost their battle when the pointed end rested on Snape.
Kim: [after a pause] Oh, so the last one is the target?
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: But is it… I bet it's... it's gotta just be a circle that is... are they about to say that?
Sequoia: Yeah, it just says Snape, I'm pretty sure. [both laugh] Assholes!
Kim: [through laughter] They are the worst.
Sequoia: [laughs] Man.
Kim: Like, Snape sucks, but what did he do? It doesn't really say. Like, as an eleven year old, what he did to set them off?
Sequoia: Yeah, ‘cause it seems, like, very immediate.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And I think honestly that they are just, like, kind... they were just kind of assholes. And they just very clearly...
Kim: Yeah. They just sensed that he was weak?
Sequoia: Poor.
Kim: Yeah. James is just the worst.
Sequoia: Yeah. James… um, eh, yeah.
Kim: How did they pick him? Like, there were other asshole Slytherins at the same time.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah.
Kim: That definitely could have used a knocking down a peg or two. Lucius.
Sequoia: Yes. Yeah. Well. He was... I guess Snape’s their year?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Which makes it a little bit more like they're... they're coming into contact with him more often.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: And also he doesn't pose a threat to them at all.
Kim: Yeah, Lucius was definitely older.
Sequoia: And very rich.
Kim: But I mean, James is very rich too.
Sequoia: Right. But I mean like, there's a social status there.
Kim: Do you think Lucius was like, myyy faaaather…? [Sequoia laughs] Do you think Draco is just Lucius in miniature?
Sequoia: I believe a hundred percent that Lucius would just create a mini version of himself. Absolutely.
Kim: Do you think Lucius was less whiny than Draco though? Draco’s kind of whiny.
Sequoia: He's super whiny. But I mean, Lucius gets a little whiny too. He's a little... he's an asshole. They're all assholes.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I do wish that James and Sirius and the crew…
Kim: Had spread it around a little more.
Sequoia: Yeah, exactly. But, you know, Snape... Also like, you can't forget that, like, James was in love with Lily forever.
Kim: Ohh.
Sequoia: And she spent a ton of time with him.
Kim: That's true. That would make Snape James' target.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: And James is kind of the ringleader. So, then he becomes…
Kim: Their target.
Sequoia: Their target. [long pause] [whispered] Man.
Kim: [chuckles softly] He deserved it. [both laugh] A hundred percent didn’t.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah, let’s be clear.
Kim: A hundred percent didn’t. Not as an eleven year old.
Sequoia: [quietly] Snape sucks.
Kim: That was a long tangent.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: Are we okay?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Continue.
Sequoia: Great. Blah blah blah blah blah. It ended up resting on Snape. “This will be great!” [Kim snorts] Peter said, grinning. The others grinned as well, but for a different reason. Peter was the only Marauder that hadn't figured out that James charmed the final wheel to always end up pointing at Snape.
Kim: So there are other options.
Sequoia: Yes. I wonder what the other options are.
Kim: Yeah, what are the other options?
Sequoia: Lucius.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And… [long pause]
Kim: Who else is there? I don’t know, McNair?
Sequoia: Every other boy… yeah.
Kim: McNair might be a little younger. Nott?
Sequoia: [long pause] I'm sure that they wouldn't keep their shenanigans…
Kim: Loooong silence while I think about all the Death Eaters. [chuckles]
Sequoia: Name twenty Death Eaters.
Kim: No, thank you. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: I'm sure that they wouldn't keep their shenanigans, like, specific to Slytherin either.
Kim: Yeah. But they do because it's just… [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, but I mean that the... yeah, they do. They do.
Kim: All right, continue.
Sequoia: I like how Peter hasn't figured it out yet.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Like, it points to Snape every single time. Peter, get your shit together.
Kim: It's not how probability... it could be? [both make a high pitched noise]
Sequoia: Cool. “So,” Sirius said mischievously. “We're turning Snape’s skin, hair AND robes pink this time. Hoo boy, this will be great.” [laughs]
Kim: [quietly] Oh my God.
Sequoia: It says hoo boy. [Kim laughs]
Kim: It’s just not that interesting of a prank!
Sequoia: Right? Come on, guys.
Kim: That's pretty light hearted. All things considered.
Sequoia: I mean, I wouldn't want it to be not light hearted.
Kim: They're usually pretty mean.
Sequoia: Yeah, they're very mean. [pause] Anyway. [laughs]
Kim: Like, the one instance we see in the books is them... they're not really... it's not a prank. They push him down and they show his underwear to everyone.
Sequoia: Yeah, that's not a prank, that's just being an asshole.
Kim: That’s just bullying.
Sequoia: Yeah, you're just... that's just straight up bullying.
Kim: [chuckling softly] Sad.
Sequoia: [exaggeratedly] But today they're gonna turn his skin and hair and robes pink! What a wild and crazy... prank! [both laugh]
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: [high pitched, know-it-all voice] “Why don't you do something original?” All four boys…
Kim: Is that your Lily voice?
Sequoia: Yeah! [laughs]
Kim: Am I bleeding over to you?
Sequoia: It is.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: I couldn't help myself. It just, like, came out that way. [both laugh]
Kim: Why is Lily encouraging them? Why are the spinners giant and in the middle of the common room?
Sequoia: Right?
Kim: Whatever.
Sequoia: You would think Lily would be like, wow!
Kim: Don't fucking do that.
Sequoia: I'm going to light these on fire. [Kim chuckles softly]
Kim: All right. Oh, question.
Sequoia: Yes?
Kim: When was this written?
Sequoia: [quietly] Okay, good. Good question. Good question. 2003.
Kim: Before or after book five?
Sequoia: Before.
Kim: So this would be before book five, which is when we see actual... like what they actually did to him?
Sequoia: Yes, yes.
Kim: In their eyes, it could have been light hearted at this point.
Sequoia: Yes. Mhm.
Kim: You get a lot more information about the Marauders and how much they sucked in book five. [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, seriously, though.
Kim: Sirius…
Both: Siiiiiriuus.
Kim: Sirius was really mean.
Sequoia: Mean. “Why don't you do something original?” All four boys turned around to see Lily staring at them in disgust. “Original?” [Kim snorts] Sirius asked. “We haven't done this prank once! Snape’s skin, hair, AND robes!”
Kim: But you've done a variation on it every fucking time!
Sequoia: [laughing] Every day, you idiot.
Kim: Moron.
Sequoia: [sighs] “No,” Lily sighed, “but yesterday you turned his robes yellow. [Kim snorts] The day before it you turned his hair purple. [Kim laughs] The day before that you turned his hair and skin green.”
Kim: [laughing] This is the worst prank!
Sequoia: “And the day before that, you turned his skin and robes neon orange. and the day before that…” [both laugh]
Kim: Oh my gosh. I love this. [Sequoia laughs] This is... it's really funny because fanfiction writers are so bad at coming up with pranks. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: They really are.
Kim: Just, like, they're bad. They're bad at coming up with uses of magic and they're bad at, like, coming up with creative pranks and it's always funny.
Sequoia: Yeah, you just... all you need is a few spinners.
Kim: Like the most common, like, pranks that you see in fanfictions I feel like are color changes.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: So that's... I'm guessing that's why this is parody, ‘cause it's like a meta, every prank is color change.
Sequoia: Color changes.
Kim: I love this! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Right? It's great.
Kim: Do anything else!
Sequoia: [almost whispering] And the day before that… [Kim laughing quietly in the background] You idiots!
Kim: Morons! [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: “What's your point?” James asked, interrupting. “My point is to do something original for a change. You ALWAYS change the color of his skin, hair, or robes. It was funny the first two or three times…”
Kim: [laughing weakly] There’s only three options on the second spinner. Stupid! [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Like what else is there to change the color of though?
Kim: You could… don’t just change the color of things! Oh my God.
Sequoia: Oh man. [sighs]
Kim: Make it so that every time he tries to write the word “the” it comes out “butts.” [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Be like changing the... like putting an autocorrect on his…
Kim: Pen?
Sequoia: Pen. His quill.
Kim: Like Ron, when Ron was a…
Sequoia: Roonil Wazlib.
Kim: Yeah! [Sequoia laughs] That’d be great, it’s a great one. There. See? Came up with one right off the cuff. Butts.
Sequoia: [laughing] Butts. “It was funny the first two or three times. Now it's just sick!”
Kim: I don’t know that it's sick. It's just dumb.
Sequoia: Just stupid. You're just stupid.
Kim: He's probably figured out the counterspell and he can do it immediately.
Sequoia: Yeah, I feel like…
Kim: It’s like the tenth, the twentieth, the hundredth time.
Sequoia: This is happening literally…
Both: Every day.
Sequoia: You'd figure out a way to, like, not have that happen.
Kim: Yes, you would.
Sequoia: You’d think.
Kim: Yeah. Awesome.
Sequoia: Sounds like they are... they are actually doing this every day. [Kim laughs in the background] This is succeeding. This is an everyday success. I mean, I use the word success. [Kim makes a suspicious sound] But yeah, hmm. “But, but…” Sirius stammered, “It's Snape! In pink robes!” [Kim sighs] Still not funny, Sirius, still not funny.
Kim: Oh, Sirius. Oh, Sirius, honey.
Sequoia: Lily sighed and Remus said, “Oh yeah, what would you do then?” [Kim snorts] “I don't know,” Lily said, “How about give him fangs and charm him so he can't pronounce Ws.”
Kim: That's hilarious. Correct. [both laugh] Do that.
Sequoia: Right? Like, oh, right. Okay, Lily's got it. Lily's got it.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: “Or you could enchant his hands so they perform locking charms whenever he gets near doors.”
Kim: Hilarious! [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: I want that.
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: I want that.
Kim: That's funny! This author is writing what I was just complaining about.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah. Exactly.
Kim: Ten out of ten.
Sequoia: Yeees. “What about emblazoning “I love badly written Mary Sues” on the back of his robes. [Kim snorts] Heck, even a “Kick Me” sign is an improvement over the spinning wheels.” [both laugh loudly]
Kim: Oh my gosh, this is so good!
Sequoia: Yeeees!
Kim: You found something great.
Sequoia: I did. It’s so good. [Kim sighs] Oh, man. Remus, Sirius, and Pettigrew gave... Pettigrew again.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: ...gave this some serious thought.
Kim: [quietly] Sirius thought.
Sequoia: Sirius thought. Right up until James whispered, “Snape in pink hair, skin, and robes.”
Kim: [chuckling] They’re not gonna take any of Lily’s suggestions into consideration.
Sequoia: No, they are... all the suggestions are so good.
Kim: They've perfected the color change charm. Jinx.
Sequoia: Maybe they just like, don't have any ability to do any other spell? [laughing through the sentence] They just know like the one spell!
Kim: They know one... they figured out one spell.
Sequoia: They figured out one spell and nobody wants to talk about how they don't know any other spells. [laughs]
Kim: You know, that’s a common problem in Potter men.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Only one spell.
Sequoia: One spell! [laughing] At least Harry's is a lot more useful than whatever the fuck this is. [both laugh, then sigh] Lily sighed again as the four Gryffindors giggled like crazy and bolted from the room. [Kim laughs] Lily had to admit there was one good thing about the quartet's antics. It got them out of the common room for hours at a time.
Kim: [laughing] Hours?
Sequoia: [laughing] It takes them... how long does it take you?
Kim: Must take them...
Sequoia: [struggling to speak through laughter] No, they just… they... they change the color of Snape…
Kim: They... they have the Marauders Map. It's not like it's that hard to find him.
Sequoia: No, but then they follow him around for a while.
Kim: [laughiing] For hours.
Sequoia: For hours. Just being like...
Kim: Giggling.
Sequoia: Hey, see, Snape’s robes are yellow? Teehee!
Both: Teeheehee!
Kim: Stupid, I love it.
Sequoia: Idiots. However, she groaned again as the four sauntered into the common room two hours later.
Kim: [groaning] Ah.
Sequoia: “Oh, shoot. Lily's here,” Sirius said.
Kim: What? [both laugh]
Sequoia: She's not even doing anything!
Kim: She’s not done anything.
Sequoia: It's not like... she's like.... she's not actively told them to NOT do their prank.
Kim: It’s true, they did, she didn’t. She gave them other suggestions [Sequoia laughs] even.
Sequoia: She doesn't see... yeah, she's not being, like, really a buzzkill at all.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So I don't understand where this animosity is coming from. [mockingly] Oh, shoot, Lily’s here [Kim laughs] to tell us that our prank sucks.
Kim: It does.
Sequoia: It does suck. You suck. “What's our excuse this time?” Peter asked softly.
Kim: [confused] Exc… what?
Sequoia: Excuse for what?
Kim: Are they all pink?
Sequoia: Lily rolled her eyes. The four were absolutely horrible at hiding things. [Kim snorts three times and laughs] They clearly have not hidden the three giant spinning wheels [Kim laughs loudly] in the common room.
Kim: You know, maybe... maybe, in their defense, they're really obvious about everything so that it's less obvious that they're hiding a bunch of other shit.
Sequoia: Oh, right.
Kim: They, like, pretend to be bad at lying.
Sequoia: They’re like, [a bit louder] oh God, we can't lie, we only know one spell. [whispering] I’m an animagus. [both laugh]
Kim: Yeah, exactly.
Sequoia: Yeah. Okay, cool. I like that. [Kim snorts] I like that a lot. “Shhh!” hissed James. Remus quickly said, “Well, Lily, we're just up to our rooms. Then we'll be going out... to... look at... the giant squid.” [Kim laughs heartily and Sequoia joins her]
Kim: A cover story that would only work on James.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah. He was choking on a chocolate frog!
Kim: [after laughing quite a while] Nude.
Sequoia: Just gonna go… don't mind me. I'm just gonna… [humming the words] gooo... just...
Kim: Strip down naked and eat some chocolate frogs.
Sequoia: Yeah. Just, you know... I... like, that's the best way to eat a chocolate frog, didn't you know? [Kim laughs in the background] Just gotta be naked for it. Just gonna go… look at the giant squid.
Kim: James is like, oh yeah, sure, okay, yeah, yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah, checks out, checks out.
Kim: That sounds right. [both laugh]
Sequoia: “Good one,” Sirius said quietly, [Kim snorts] patting Lupin on the back. “You guys are morons…”
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: ...Lily said. “What?” Sirius demanded.
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: A… me? [both laugh] A moron? [singing] Just gonna go look at the giant squid. Real quick. [Kim laughs quietly] “Come on! Of course I didn't notice the large lunar calendar on the east end of the commons…”
Kim: [quietly] Oh no.
Sequoia: “...which is marked “werewolf time” every twenty eight days.” [both laugh]
Kim: [high pitched voice] What?
Sequoia: “Or how…” It's in the com... that's in the common room. That's in the common room. Just says werewolf time. “Or how Remus is looking at it every two hours.”
Kim: [laughing] What?
Sequoia: “Or the three books titled Animagus Transfiguration for Dummies…”
Kim: Oh my God.
Sequoia: “...with Sirius, James, and Peter’s names on them.”
Kim: It's trying so hard to explain why they're stupid. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: [laughing] It’s ruined.
Kim: That’s awesome. [both laugh for a bit]
Sequoia: “I don't know what you're talking about,” [Kim bursts out laughing] James said. [both laugh] Oh God.
Kim: [under her breath] Gotta go look at the giant squid.
Sequoia: I just gotta go. I gotta look at the... that's... James isn't my name, no. [laughs] Who’s James? What’s a werewolf?
Kim: Good God. That's my nickname.
Sequoia: [laughs] Roonil Wazlib. That's my... what my friends call me. “I don't know what you're talking about,” James said, before the four ran up to their rooms in a panic.
Kim: [laughing] Werewolf time.
Sequoia: Werewolf time. Lily sighed again. “Can't we just kill them?” [Kim snorts] Lily asked in annoyance. Which is like...
Kim: Who is she asking? Is she asking the author?
Sequoia: Nope. This is where... this is where it gets real weird.
Kim: Oh, it’s not already weird?
Sequoia: “Can't we just kill them?” Lily asked in annoyance. “Miss Evans!” Dumbledore said in amusement.
Kim: What is Dumbledore doing there? What?
Sequoia: “We can't kill people because they annoy us.” The headmaster quietly sat down at his desk.
Kim: Desk!
Sequoia: She's in the headmaster's office. Inexplicably. [Kim laughs] She's there now.
Kim: Oh, maybe there was…
Sequoia: Asking Dumbledore if she can kill them.
Kim: Maybe there's a passage of time.
Sequoia: There wasn't... but there was no tildes! [both laugh] How am I supposed to know if there are no tildes!?
Kim: I don’t know. A passage of time. She's in Dumbledore’s office asking if she can kill them.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Can I kill them?
Sequoia: Can I? Can we just... kill them?
Kim: Awesome.
Sequoia: Great. We can't kill people because they annoy us.
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: “How about putting them in a persistent vegetative state? Or even just erasing all their memories?”
Kim: Yeah, I don't think that would help.
Sequoia: No, they'd still be dumb.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Yep. Dumbledore chuckled. “I'm sorry. I can give you something that will explain everything though.”
Kim: Huh?
Sequoia: Lily's eyes crinkled in confusion and Dumbledore handed her an old parchment that was folded over once.
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: “No,” Dumbledore said as she started to open it, “Not here. You can open it in the common room.”
Kim: Oh no!
Sequoia: We just put... everybody puts their shit in the common room! The common room is for...
Kim: What is happeni… this is not gonna be good.
Sequoia: [struggling with the words through laughter] This is… this… I… I… You are not... you’re not ready.
Kim: Okay. I'm on the edge of my seat. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: “Okay, thanks, sir.” Lily made her way back to the common room, the note clenched in her hand. She finally made her way to her usual chair by the fire and gently unfolded the note.
Kim: Uhhhhh.
Sequoia: “The boy of destiny shall defeat the one whose name cannot be said. By the tail of the…” Lily sighed and skipped to the bottom. [Kim bursts out laughing, Sequoia joins her]
Kim: I love this. Are they doing a prophecy?
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. [starts singing] Yeah yeah!
Kim: Nice! I love when, especially, like, stupid parody stories predict things! That’s so good!
Sequoia: Yeeees!
Kim: I guess Dumbledore does say in... I guess it's already been planted that there's gonna be a prophecy but... nice.
Sequoia: Right? Excellent.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: I like that she's like fuck this.
Kim: Yeah, that's really good.
Sequoia: “By the tail of the…” Lily sighed and skipped to the bottom. She hated prophecies. [Kim laughs] “And the child of James and Lily Potter shall triumph.”
Kim: How does that explain anything? Um, no, that does not explain anything.
Sequoia: “Verified prophecy, given by Sybill Trelawney to Albus Dumbledore.”
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: [quietly] It's verified.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: “No,” she whispered. [Kim laughs in the background] “This… this can’t be!” [both snicker] At this, the four Marauders entered the common room.
Kim: Time to go look at the squid!
Sequoia: [laughing] We gotta go look at the… what's a werewolf? “No,” she said softly, staring at James. “Not only do I have to... have to go out with this idiot, but I have to…” She felt her stomach churn and she ran into the girls’ bathroom. [makes a vomiting sound]
Kim: Thanks for sharing that noise with us.
Sequoia: Yep, there we go.
Kim: Lovely. Was that written on the…?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I think I can see it on the page.
Sequoia: “Hhuuuueeegggghhh”. I did a pretty good job of doing what the text says.
Kim: Yeah, all right.
Sequoia: That is what is written here! “Lily, are you okay?” Lily ignored Sal's voice coming from the stall over.
Kim: Whose voice?
Sequoia: Sal. Her um... [makes confused noises]
Kim: Sal?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: It’s not a name.
Sequoia: I dunno. Sal just... she’s also there. [laughs]
Kim: Isn’t that a guy's name?
Sequoia: I... I’ve... yeah [sighs] I don’t know.
Kim: Does it stand for Salazar?
Sequoia: My BFF Sal! What's up, buddy? Lily ignored Sal's voice coming from the stall over and hunched over the toilet for another [vomiting noise]. There we go.
Kim: Thanks.
Sequoia: I'm just reading the story!
Kim: You’re just reading it. Fine. Fine.
Sequoia: When she finally managed to empty her stomach and enter a state of blissful disbelief, she quietly exited the bathroom. “Say, Lily,” James said smugly.
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: “What are you doing Friday night?”
Kim: Ugh.
Sequoia: Lily closed her eyes and said [in a voice that suggests that a little piece of her just died] “Nothing.” [Kim laughs, Sequoia joins her] [after a long pause] I can’t.
Kim: This is so much better than the usual Lily and James getting together stories.
Sequoia: [laughing] Isn’t it? “Well”, he tried to say suavely.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: “Would you like to…”
Kim: Go look at the squid with me?
Sequoia: “...go out?”
Kim: [chuckling] If you know what I mean.
Sequoia: [through laughter] Yeah. If you know what I mean.
Kim: No, I don’t!
Sequoia: Euphemism. Lily trembled from another stomach churn and said, “Yes, but only for the fate of the world.” [Kim snorts] James thought a minute. “Good enough for me!” [both laugh] Sirius laughed, then said, “Your turn on the spinners, Remus.” [Kim snorts] Lily thought silently, “I'm going to kill you, Sibyll.” The end! [Kim laughs] Yaaaay.
Kim: Oh man, I really like that because that's like the only way you can reconcile the way James is usually written…
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: With him ending up with Lily.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Because…
Sequoia: She has to for the fate of the world.
Kim: And she knows it.
Sequoia: She knows, so she vomits several times. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh my gosh.
Sequoia: This guy?
Kim: Really?
Sequoia: This one?
Kim: Really?
Sequoia: Can't we just kill them? [Kim laughs] I like how she goes to Dumbledore, like, searching for answers.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Can't we just kill them?
Kim: He gives her…
Sequoia: And he gives her…
Kim: A transcript, I thought the... the pa... the parchment was gonna, like, wipe her memory or something.
Sequoia: Oh. [laughs] Yeah, I think maybe instead of getting rid of their memories, getting rid of her memories.
Kim: Making her a little stupider.
Sequoia: Yeah, that might help her a little bit.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: But yeah, there was a prophecy. Yeah.
Kim: There's a prophecy, that's true.
Sequoia: She has to marry James and she's sad about it.
Kim: [snorts] Very.
Sequoia: ‘Cause he pulls the stupidest pranks!
Kim: Come on, James!
Sequoia: I think maybe you got a point.
Kim: I don't think I did.
Sequoia: I mean, you said that, um... err... Sirius pulls a stupid…
Kim: I said Sirius specifically.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: I assumed that it was gonna be like a Sirius is trying to get James and Lily together by doing something really stupid.
Sequoia: Gotcha.
Kim: So.
Sequoia: Yeah, that's not what happened.
Kim: Nope.
Sequoia: [singing] That's not what happened.
Kim: That's a zero pointer.
Sequoia: [quietly] Gotta go... look at the giant squid. [Kim snorts] That’s my favorite part of the whole story.
Kim: Werewolf time!
Sequoia: [through laughter] Werewolf time!
Kim: [spluttering] I like that Lupin’s looking at the calendar that says werewolf time every few minutes.
Sequoia: Yeah, every... every two hours.
Kim: He’s like, wait, when is werewolf time?
Sequoia: He’s like, what’s werewolf ti...? Oh, right, that’s me, that’s me. [quietly] I’m doing it, that’s me.
Kim: Werewolf time’s when again?
Sequoia: I like that they all have Animagus for Dummies with their names written in the front of them.
Kim: Also lose them!
Sequoia: That's true. They would. They would lose them. Has anyone seen my Animagus for Dummies book? It's got my name in the front of it. Please forget that this happened. [Kim laughs] I love it.
Kim: Ohhhh man.
Sequoia: I love it.
Kim: That was really good. Checks all the boxes, or whatever.
Sequoia: Yep. Yep.
Kim: Why is it always color change?
Sequoia: I don't know. I don’t know.
Kim: Every time. Pranks are generally not an... even like Fred and George pranks…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: ...are often that. Oh, Harry’s hair is green now. [quietly] Hahahaha. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, I don’t know where that comes from. I never... I feel like I never tried to write…
Kim: A prank?
Sequoia: A prank, yeah. ‘Cause it’s... it is hard. It’s totally hard.
Kim: It is hard. It’s difficult.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: To write something funny and inventive.
Sequoia: Except that I really need that story where Snape’s hands just [through laughter] lock every door he’s next to!
Kim: That is funny.
Sequoia: That’s fucking great.
Kim: His hands don’t even have to do it. They could just follow him around and lock…
Both: Every door!
Kim: That he tries to go through. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: That’s pretty fucking good.
Kim: Although they do... they do mention in the books that, like, some doors just, like, lock themselves and refuse to open some days.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah.
Kim: So he might not even suspect what’s happening to him for a while. [both chuckle]
Sequoia: Whereas I think you notice pretty…
Kim: Quickly that your hair, skin, and robes have been color changed.
Sequoia: Pink.
Kim: Especially if they are color changed EVERY DAY.
Sequoia: Every day. [Kim laughs] I love it.
Kim: [sighs] It’s not the best prank.
Sequoia: Oh man. [chuckles] Great. I was... so I’ve had... I had this story from the ten hour reading day.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: And then you read Marauders to me.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And Chloe. And I was like, can I do Marauders again?
Kim: Why not?
Sequoia: Is that allowed? And then I was like, no, this is great and I have to. I have to.
Kim: Why not? We can do whatever the fuck we want.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah. So there we go.
Kim: We haven’t done enough yet. Now we’ve done three.
Sequoia: Exactly. There we go.
Kim: So.
Sequoia: Yeah, we gotta get those in, so… there you go, another Marauders, yay!
Kim: Woohoo!
Sequoia: Also I think that is our first parody tagged fic that we’ve read.
Kim: It might be.
Sequoia: I think.
Kim: Yeah. Could be.
Sequoia: So...
Kim: They don’t... they’re not employed very often.
Sequoia: It’s not employed very often and also, like, um…
Kim: Even when stories, like, seem like they’re probably satire, like Harry and Mione’s Horcrux Hunt, probably satire…
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: But possibly not because they didn’t use the tag and, man, that story’s crazy.
Sequoia: [snorts] Yeah.
Kim: Pushing that aside, we’ve had other stories that seem like they’re probably parodies.
Sequoia: And I don’t... it’s not that I avoid the parody tag.
Kim: I don’t.
Sequoia: But the parody tag often makes me, like, I don’t know, critical of what’s happening...
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …in it. I like... I want... If it uses the tag, I want it to very truly be that thing, you know?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And do that thing well.
Kim: I mean, a lot of fanfiction is pretty self referential as well.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: And even if it’s not like a true parody, they often reference fanfic tropes and stuff.
Sequoia: Right, yeah.
Kim: And sometimes in like a funny way. Or they’re all just using the same tropes, I don’t know.
Sequoia: Yeah. Who knows. Who knows. All I know is that I love that story.
Kim: That one was really good. I enjoyed that.
Sequoia: And so…
Kim: [laughing quietly] Werewolf time.
Sequoia: Fucking werewolf time.
Kim: So we got an announcement today, dear listeners...
Sequoia: [singing] Announcement! Time!
Kim: ...that I am not pleased about! [Sequoia laughs] I don’t know why I’m sounding so excited, I’m mad.
Sequoia: I’m... I’m so pleased. Like, I... I am over the moon. I’m ecstatic and I know that you guys will be too, because Kim is literally the only person [Kim bursts out laughing] who fucking likes the goddamn summaries section! Nobody likes it!
Kim: I do! Our good friend... our good friend the other day, we were complaining about... well, Sequoia was complaining about how bad this segment is and she’s suggested how we could retool it and we’re doing it.
Sequoia: And we’re doing it.
Kim: I guess.
Sequoia: Yes, we are doing it. Listeners, I’ve got you, okay? I’m gonna... I’m gonna... I’m putting my foot down.
Kim: So something we’ve been talking about for a long time... we actually talked about this in a couple of our bonus episodes. We read a lot of fanfiction and not all of them are right for the podcast in their entirety.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: But a lot of them are pretty funny in premise.
Sequoia: Yes. Or, like, they’re funny in premise or there’s like one shining moment…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: ...within the fanfiction where you’re like, that is the funniest thing. I’m crying. But, like, the rest of it…
Kim: The rest of the fanfic isn’t... useful.
Sequoia: Exactly, yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And that’s always a bummer to me.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: And a lot... and sometimes I’ll save those. I do a lot of saving those anyway, just to be like…
Kim: I save them. Every time. I’ve got a huge long miscellaneous list of just nonsense...
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: ...that’s not quite right. So we are bringing those to you in the form of our retooled…
Both: [singing in high pitched voices] Summaries! [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: ...segment. [both laugh]
Sequoia: So you’ll be getting more fanfiction out of your fanfiction podcast.
Kim: Here we are. So! I am going to go first.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: So, here we go. So I read this fanfiction where Hermione comes up with a brilliant plan to kill Voldemort.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: But all she actually succeeds in doing is blowing up Hogwarts and Harry. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Yes, great.
Kim: This, uhh, makes her a little sad, so she moves back home with her parents and to cope with her sadness, learns to skateboard. [both laugh]
Sequoia: You told me this before and like, every time I’m just like, why? [laughs]
Kim: It’s the early 2000s!
Sequoia: And apparently learning to skateboard was the way [Kim snorts] to cope with your… [laughs quietly] with the fact that you blew up your best friend.
Kim: She gets real... she gets really into it too. She, like, really ingratiates herself into the culture and she’s like, I’m skateboarding now! [Sequoia laughs] I’m gonna learn to kickflip!
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: Oh, this story is so... it’s like too angsty for me to read on the podcast, but… [snorts] just nuts.
Sequoia: Hermione learns to skateboard everybodyyyy. Excellent.
Kim: So, there we go.
Sequoia: There you go and that is our segment [begins to sing] Suuum….
Kim: [short and concrete] Summaries. [pause, then laughter]
Sequoia: [after a pause] ...maries. Oh wow, I just really got left hanging on that one. All right. Into our next segment. [both chuckle] This is...
Both: The rec zone! Pew pew pew pew!
Sequoia: Pew pewww! [laughs]
Kim: Okay, we might actually need to record those.
Sequoia: Yeah! I told you. I’m telling you.
Kim: They’re getting worse.
Sequoia: They are! [both chuckle quietly] Excellent.
Kim: Fuck.
Sequoia: So this is the rec zone and I have a recommendation for you all today. I’m actually gonna be reccing a listener submission, which I’m really excited about. You know, I did write a Luna friendfic for our Patreon page, and writing Luna is just, like, a really fun experience. And I really like reading Luna, like, pretty well written. So, I’m gonna be reccing Of Norklesvanian Hairdos and Being Sixteen. So thanks so much for the person who submitted this to us.
Kim: That sounds really good!
Sequoia: Awesome! Okay, well, thanks so much for listening to our podcast.
Kim: Today.
Sequoia: Today. [laughs] If you wanna reach us, we are on social media, on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram @FanaticalFics.
Kim: If you have any longer thoughts you wanna send to us, we have an email at fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Sequoia: You can find basically anything about us on our website, FanaticalFics.com.
Kim: We’ve got links to all of our episodes, links to all of our recommendations, as well as a story submission form if you wanna send us some fun stuff. Man, we are getting fun stuff through that.
Sequoia: We are getting so much fun stuff.
Kim: We talked about it at the top, but thank you guys so much for sending us everything.
Sequoia: Yeah, keep ‘em coming.
Kim: I love it all.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: There’s also some merch on there if you’re interested in any of our cool stickers.
Sequoia: Our stickers are great. Our artist who we commission those sticker designs from is fucking brilliant.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah, I will be linking to some of her social media in the description of the episode but she is an artist. An animator. Yeah.
Kim: She’s done a great job every time.
Sequoia: She just, like, started out just, like, doing little fanart for us and then I was like, I am going to commission you to do these specific things, like Mrs. Weasley’s Finest Chilli Dogs.
Kim: Love it.
Sequoia: So yeah, you can find those stickers on our website. You can also find a link to our Patreon page where you can support the podcast.
Kim: Yeah. We... we release bonus episodes. Bonus written content.
Sequoia: Another way to support the podcast is to leave us a review on iTunes or on Facebook.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: They’re very helpful. We’ll shout you out at the top of the episode.
Kim: Yeah, we will. Another way is to recommend them to a friend or whomever. We have been getting some really nice recommendations. I keep seeing them on Twitter and it makes my day every time.
Sequoia: Yes, I love it.
Kim: So, keep recommending us to spread this nonsense throughout the galaxy.
Sequoia: And of course thank you to the Whomping Willows for letting us use our amazing theme song, Wolfstar! Bye!
Kim: Oh, bye! [both laugh]