Episode 20: Of Balls and Vows
If you can get past 5 minutes of giggling about the word balls, we hope you’ll enjoy today’s story!
Recommendation: Mother of a Hero
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/2108717/1/Mother-of-a-Hero
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Emilie
Transcriber: Jessica
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Kim: So you recently told me about something awesome.
Sequoia: Yeah, I did. It's only the greatest wizarding school to ever exist.
Kim: Like… like… this is, like, life changing information for me.
Sequoia: I was… I feel like it was the middle of the night too. Like it… and… and I… my… I was shook. [Kim laughs] Like I was about to go to sleep, and then I found… I found this Eaglecrest stuff and I was like, no, I can't sleep. I'm so excited. This is the greatest thing that's ever happened.
Kim: Maybe we need to talk about what we're talking about.
Sequoia: Eaglecrest!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: It’s a.... [laughs]
Kim: Wizard school [tough voice] for Americans.
Sequoia: Yeah, they’re… someone on Tumblr was just, like, drunk and decided to write all of these houses for Eaglecrest, the school.
Kim: Whoever you are, I… you’re my hero.
Sequoia: You are, one hundred percent. Anyway, we sorted… there's a BuzzFeed quiz, which we will link in the description of this episode.
Kim: Hohh yeah.
Sequoia: And you go fucking take it and you TWEET AT US! [Kim laughs] I swear to god.
Kim: Because I need to know this information.
Sequoia: We have to know.
Kim: This is important.
Sequoia: This is the most important thing we've ever said or done on the podcast. [both laugh]
Kim: Joe Biden is the headmaster…
Sequoia: Oh my god, it's in Mount Rushmore. It's so great. We're gonna be linking to all of the description and everything so that you can fully immerse yourself.
Kim: I think about it a lot now.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, tweet at us what your house is, ‘cause we're not gonna tell you right now. We're not gonna tell you unless you tweet at us. Your house. [Kim laughs] There…. we're leaving… it’s… there's got to be some kind of an incentive here, Kim.
Kim: I didn't… I didn’t… I didn't realize you were doing that. That’s fine, I guess.
Sequoia: I did it without you signing off on it. It's fine.
Kim: Tweet… tw… tweet at us.
Sequoia: Tweet at us.
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows): You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It's our podcast about Harry Potter fanfiction.
Sequoia: [English accent] The most glorious thing to ever come to us in the fandom. [Kim laughs] And we love it.
Kim: Oh, yes we do!
Sequoia: We fucking love it.
Kim: Speaking of fandom and Harry Potter fandom in particular, we need to pour one out today.
Sequoia: Oh my goodness. You guys, I'm, like, actually really sad about this.
Kim: I'm currently pouring one out.
Sequoia: Currently, yeah. Pouring one out right now, you can hear it. This is the noise. [makes glugging noise] [both laugh]
Kim: Oh man.
Sequoia: Fucking stupid joke.
Kim: Oh man!
Sequoia: [laughs] No, but HarryPotterFanfiction.com is closing.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: It's goin’ away.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: They couldn’t raise the money to keep the site alive after seventeen years, which [Kim sighs] really sucks, ‘cause there's a lot of good stuff on there. And, like, I am aware, and I know to move my stuff somewhere else…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: ‘Cause that's where I host, but…
Kim: I really hope they’re archiving it. Or someone's archiving it.
Sequoia: Exactly!
Kim: A lot of those other old sites did get archived, at least partially, onto Archive Of Our Own.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: I hope someone's taking care of it.
Sequoia: I hope somebody’s doing it because I just am like… my… ugh! Every time there's… something shuts down or there's a purge or something, my heart breaks a little more.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Losing valuable fanfiction!
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: Ugh!
Kim: It’s all important. We need to save [whispering] all of it.
Sequoia: Save Fanfiction 2018. [both snicker] This is not… this is not the cause you should be getting behind. [Kim laughs] Please, please don't quote me. Please don't look at me. Please don’t talk to me. [both laugh] Anyway, we are really… we're really sad about this news. So yeah, looks like it's closing down on the twenty eighth of this month, so just in a matter of days from this episode coming out. So get on over there. Read some fanfiction.
Kim: Pour one out.
Sequoia: Pour one out. Cry.
Kim: One of the… one of the bigs.
Sequoia: Yup. [pause] So on that terribly sad note, it's about to get [sing-songy] more sad!
Kim: Yeah, We have some… [sighs] we have some bad news.
Sequoia: Um...
Kim: If you… if you follow us on social media at all, you'll… you've probably seen that we've been posting about our prep work for the Cursed Child episodes that we've been promising for a long time.
Sequoia: We’ve been promising them for so long. And we were… we were… we were nervous about doing it.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And we finally did all the research and all the reading and all the taking notes and…
Kim: I was as ready as I was gonna be.
Sequoia: As… yeah, and I was not, but, you know, Kim was as ready as anyone in this world was ever gonna be. And we sat down, we recorded for a few hours, got...
Kim: We recorded for several hours and we got halfway through the first act.
Sequoia: The first act, like, we… we had [sing-songy] too much to say about some stuff!
Both: And…
Sequoia: It wasn’t good. [laughs]
Kim: It was bad!
Sequoia: It was not good. It was not. It was really bad.
Kim: It was terrible. It was not…
Sequoia: It wasn’t f…
Kim: ...something I would want to listen to again.
Sequoia: No, it was… and it was not something I would… liked doing.
Kim: Yeah, it was bad.
Sequoia: So unfortunately we are scrapping that for the time being. We're going to be revisiting Cursed Child. We are gonna do the Cursed Child episodes, but we really have to decide how we're gonna move forward with them.
Kim: They need to be restructured and I needed to walk away from it for a bit.
Sequoia: Yeah, so we’re…
Kim: I can't… I can’t look at it.
Sequoia: Yeah, we're not gonna touch that for a couple of months. But we… we are going to do it. We really are.
Kim: It’s coming, we promise.
Sequoia: We promise, and we hold to our promises most of the time. [quietly and quickly] Sometimes, I'm writing a fanfiction. [laughs]
Kim: Shut the fuck up.
Sequoia: So yeah, we just want to let you know about that.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: Especially if you're a Patreon subscriber. It will be going out to everyone, not just on Patreon, but we just wanted to let you know that that's the status on that. So thank you for bearing with us! We're gonna try harder, do better, something.
Kim: Be funny.
Sequoia: Be funny.
Kim: Instead of mad.
Sequoia: Hey, speaking of funny.
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: You wanna… [mumbling] You wanna read some fanfiction?
Kim: I always [mumbling] wanna read fanfiction.
Sequoia: [mumbling continues] Wanna read some fanfiction?
Kim: [sing-songy] Bring me some…
Sequoia: [sing-songy] Bring me some fanfiction!
Kim: You got some good shit today?
Sequoia: Listen, dude.
Kim: Got some good shit? Some of the good sh… good… good sh… [Sequoia laughs] None of that bad. None…
Sequoia: None of that… none of that bad shit?
Kim: Nothing's bad. I love all fanfiction. [laughs]
Sequoia: I do too. And here's the thing, is, I love this story for about eight thousand different reasons. [both sigh deeply] Do you wanna...
Kim: Heavy… heavy breathing. [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah. Heavy breathing. That's good for podcasting, I've heard.
Kim: Excited, heavy breathing. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I've heard people like that in their podcasts a lot. They’ve told me, personally.
Kim: [sing-songy] Listen to me make mouth noises! [Sequoia makes a gross smacking sound] Oh god! [both laugh]
Sequoia: We’re devolving!
Kim: Oh no!
Sequoia: Everything's fine. We just needed to get the, you know. We need to get some silliness into us after we had so much sad news!
Kim: Too much sad! Whoo!
Sequoia: So yeah! And so now that the silliness is back, I'm… I'm so ready for you to try to guess what's about to happen. [Kim laughs] Like, I'm just so ready. Are you ready?
Kim: Yes! We haven't talked about points in a really long time.
Sequoia: You know what, and…
Kim: Because we haven't gotten points…
Both: ...in a really long time.
Sequoia: And I think what we should start doing is, like, tallying our guests all as one person.
Kim: Oh, ‘cause they're probably beating us?
Sequoia: ‘Cause they're probably beating us.
Kim: We’ve had three guests. And they're doing better than we…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: [laughs] My gosh.
Sequoia: And I just want… I don't know, I just want…
Kim: How many...?
Sequoia: ...to be ashamed of myself. [laughs]
Kim: It’s been… it’s been months since either of us has gotten a point.
Sequoia: Yeah. Sooo, are you ready? [laughs]
Kim: Pssh. You can’t do this to me. Yeah, let’s do this shit.
Sequoia: Get ready!
Kim: Let’s do this shit!
Sequoia: Okay, great. This story is called Of Balls and Vows. [pause] [Kim stifles snickering] And it is humor/romance. [another pause]
Kim: [strained laughing] Balls!
Sequoia: You gonna tell me about some balls?
Kim: Balls! [cracks up]
Sequoia: That's the best joke we've ever made. Hahaha balls!
Kim: Oh man.
Sequoia: Stupid.
Kim: Okay. Balls…
Sequoia: Of Balls and Vows.
Kim: Balls. Balls. Balls. Ballssss. Okay, I'm guessing this is a no magic used fic.
Sequoia: Oh, god. That's… that's… that's a good prediction. [Kim snorts] That's… we've now had… we have that in our arsenal now.
Kim: Yeah, yeah, I like it. I like it a lot. No magic. I'm guessing… I don't want to guess the pairing. I never get it. I'm gonna do it. [Sequoia laughs] Dramione. Guessing Dramione.
Sequoia: Okay. Okay.
Kim: No magic, Dramione, mmmm. Sixth year.
Sequoia: Okay!
Kim: That's it.
Sequoia: All righty, then!
Kim: Some classic predictions for zero points.
Sequoia: Fabulous. [laughs]
Kim: Let’s fuckin’ go.
Sequoia: [deep voice] Let’s GO! Of Balls [Kim gives a single chuckle] and Vows.
Kim: [laughing] Balls.
Sequoia: I'm sorry. I literally can't. This is like… I'm like a five year old.
Kim: Balls!
Sequoia: [groans] Get it together. I am an adult. [Kim laughs] Don't laugh at that. Don’t start laughing when I say that.
Kim: [quietly] Balls!
Sequoia: Oh my god. [Kim laughs] Of Balls and Vows. I keep my head up high, and refuse to acknowledge their laughter.
Kim: [splutters] I’m making the laughter sounds. [Sequoia laughs] Of the background students.
Sequoia: This is great. We're starting… we're starting with Foley work today. [both laugh]
Kim: I think we need more of that. [both still laughing]
Sequoia: I’m just like banging on the table at this point. Not really working with a lot here.
Kim: It’s the only… that’s the… yeah, all right. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Okay. [clears throat] What am I supposed to say to them? What snide remark could I possibly come back with?
Kim: Is it… is it Draco? Draco makes snide remarks.
Sequoia: He does.
Kim: But he always has one at the ready.
Sequoia: Right, exactly.
Kim: Even if it's just, you’re poor! [both laugh]
Sequoia: This person is less sure of themselves and their snide remarkage.
Kim: Ah. All right. All right. All right.
Sequoia: What snide remark could I possibly come back with? "Well, Granger, my date may be stupider, uglier, and even physically inferior to yours, but I bet you're not engaged to be married to the Weasel." Try to unpack that. Just try. Just try. I just want to hear you try to unpack that.
Kim: Okay, uh…
Sequoia: What is happening?
Kim: Sssssssswwwsssssss [Sequoia laughs] So this person is engaged to be married to someone stupider than Ron?
Sequoia: Yep! [both laugh] That was good. You did a good job. You did a good job.
Kim: Is this one of those fanfictions where Ron's really dumb?
Sequoia: Or the person who's saying this is just…
Kim: A dick?
Sequoia: A dick.
Kim: Is it Pansy?
Sequoia: [whispering] It is Pansy.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: [whispering] Yessss.
Kim: Oh, I don't think we've done a Pansy anything.
Sequoia: Nope.
Kim: Has Pansy been in any of our stories even?
Sequoia: I think she might have, like, said some words in a couple, but, like, nothing about her.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Or featuring her.
Kim: Pansy’s great.
Sequoia: Yeeaahh. [pause] What a bitch. Okay.
Kim: So… okay, continue.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah. That would help. I'm sure they'd stop laughing at me if I only said that. Even if I find the fact that I'm Goyle's "girlfriend" a comedic situation… [dissolves into laughter] I really wish that your face was visible to the audience!
Kim: GREEEEG!
Sequoia: It’s Greg! [laughs]
Kim: I just assumed it was Draco because Pansy/Draco… [gasps]
Sequoia: It’s Greg!!
Kim: Greg’s here?!
Sequoia: Greg’s here!
Kim: Is he gonna get to talk?
Sequoia: Eventually. Yes.
Kim: YES. Greg’s never allowed to… I don't think Greg talked once in the books.
Sequoia: I love this story. And…
Kim: Let me know if Greg's talked in the books, because I don't remember him talking ever.
Sequoia: Like yeah, but like, when I… when… when I say… when we say talking, I mean like…
Kim: Grunting?
Sequoia: Beyond like a grunt. Beyond that.
Kim: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah. Even I find the fact that I'm Goyle's "girlfriend" a comedic situation.
Kim: Aww.
Sequoia: When I stop hysterically screaming to whatever gods there may be to get me out of this arrangement, that is. It's a well known fact that influential wizarding families, pureblood families…
Kim: [snickering] Well known!
Sequoia: ...arrange the marriages of their children.
Kim: Literally never spoken about. [both laugh]
Sequoia: And this… this is a… this is a common fanfic thing.
Kim: Oh, yeah.
Sequoia: The…
Both: ...arranged marriages.
Kim: Or forced marriages in general. They're not always like, parents arranged. [laughs] Have you read any of those?
Sequoia: [laughs] No? I can’t even…
Kim: It’s like a Ministry of Magic decree [both laugh] that they need more wizard couples.
Sequoia: So they just…
Kim: So they… so Dramione.
Sequoia: Oh, Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. [both laugh]
Kim: Always great.
Sequoia: No, in this one…
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: There's a… they’re an arranged marriage.
Kim: Awesome.
Sequoia: Between Pansy Parkinson.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: And Greg!
Kim: Fucking Greg! Yessssss. [Sequoia chuckles] Poor Greg.
Sequoia: ...arrange the marriages of their children in order to carry on a proud lineage. The Parkinsons are one of these families, of course. My parents promised me, though, that if I was a good girl and I made them proud, that I would marry the finest young pureblood wizard there was.
Kim: So then they picked Greg. Or… or Pansy just wasn't that good. That’s it. [Sequoia laughs] You've been an okay girl.
Sequoia: Mm, yeah, mmmm.
Kim: Greg.
Sequoia: Greg. [both laugh] [Kim groans] She's clearly… clearly not okay with this whole arranged marriage situation.
Kim: I mean…
Sequoia: She's not into it.
Kim: What is Greg’s motivation?
Sequoia: [laughs] Who is Greg?
Kim: What does he want in life?
Sequoia: I WAS a good girl.
Kim: Doubtful.
Sequoia: I did make them proud.
Kim: Ehh.
Sequoia: And you know what I told them, anyway? I don’t need one of the several handsome Quidditch stars they wanted me to marry, or one of the young Ministry employed prodigies that offered me a guaranteed life of comfort.
Kim: Uhhhh.
Sequoia: I would settle for Draco Malfoy, I told them. [Kim laughs] [Sequoia splutters]
Kim: That is settling. [Sequoia laughs] That guy sucks. [both laugh]
Sequoia: [posh voice] I would settle for Draco Malfoy. No. [laughs]
Kim: [laughs] They were like, you know what’s like Draco but kinda… about as good as you've been? [both laugh]
Sequoia: Greg!
Kim: I mean, we're not told that Pansy’s a good student or anything.
Sequoia: We’re not told anything about Pansy.
Kim: She’s just kind of there and sucks.
Sequoia: She's just kind of there and racist. [both laugh]
Kim: Maybe her parents' only metric for goodness is how racist she is all the time.
Sequoia: Maybe.
Kim: You know, purebloods suck.
Sequoia: But she… like, she could have married, like, a Quidditch…
Kim: I doubt that.
Sequoia: ...star.
Kim: I doubt that.
Sequoia: They were… they were begging her parents. These Quidditch stars and these Ministry prodigies [posh voice] were just begging her parents. [Kim laughs] Please let me marry Pansy, oh please!
Kim: [laughing] Where would she even meet them?
Sequoia: And Pansy was like, [posh voice] oh, no. I will settle for Draco Malfoy.
Kim: [snorts] Draco's like, but wait, I… I only have eyes…
Sequoia: For…
Both: ...Harry. [both laugh]
Kim: All right. That's one of the stories that Pansy was in.
Sequoia: Mhm. Yeah.
Kim: Anyway.
Sequoia: I would settle for Draco Malfoy, I told them.
Kim: [snorts] I love that.
Sequoia: A pureblood, handsome, and the sole heir to the prestigious Malfoy line, but a runt compared to some of the other prospects I could've had.
Kim: [whispering] A runt. [laughs]
Sequoia: And since she… since she, you know…
Kim: As she…
Sequoia: She shooed them away the one time…
Kim: Oh, right.
Sequoia: They would never come back.
Kim: [laughs] Aw, man!
Sequoia: [posh voice] Some of the other prospects that I could have had.
Kim: [laughs] Jesus. What kind of leverage do you think her parents had over those guys?
Sequoia: Yeah, but like in this, like, terrible people community, like, just this, like, tight knit…
Kim: Uh huh, uh huh.
Sequoia: ...community of people who are…
Kim: Just being purebloods, good enough.
Sequoia: ...fucking insane.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: You know? But also, like, doesn't everyone have dirt on each other? They've all got dirt.
Kim: Oh, yeah, for sure. ‘Cause they all suck.
Sequoia: ‘Cause they're all assholes. [posh voice] And murderers.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: My parents promised me Draco. [Kim splutters] They. Promised. [both laugh]
Kim: Ah, that’s good.
Sequoia: As you… as you can… I mean, as you already know, this doesn't go out well for her. This is… this does not go well.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Even Draco thought we'd be married. He took me to the Yule Ball last year…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: ...trying to begin…
Kim: Damnit.
Sequoia: ...the public appearances of a relationship. Yeah, okay, so here's the thing. You could have guessed a specific dance.
Kim: I thought that was too obvious, too.
Sequoia: Yeah, I guess it was.
Kim: No, I was saying damnit because it's fifth year.
Sequoia: Yeah, it's fifth year.
Kim: [quietly] Damnit.
Sequoia: You were close.
Kim: No I wasn't. [both chuckle]
Sequoia: ...trying to begin the public appearances of a relationship, so that our marriage later on wouldn't be too unexpected. But if it's like common knowledge that there are arranged marriages…
Kim: Why would that be unexpected? Wait!
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Like, oh, gasp, surprise.
Sequoia: Like…
Kim: Draco married another pureblood! Gasp.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh, no!
Kim: I'm surprised and… gonna do… do something about it. What?
Sequoia: Yeah. Also, if it's common knowledge that they are arranged marriages, like, who would be surprised if they, like, weren't dating and then they were married?
Kim: I… I'm confused about how this is gonna fall apart. Continue.
Sequoia: ‘Kay. He started to be nice to me. [pause] [both laugh] He’s just like, he’s an asshole to everyone. Even the people, like, in his house, in his year.
Kim: Oh my gosh.
Sequoia: That he spends all of his time around. Just an asshole to everyone.
Kim: Yeah? That's right.
Sequoia: He started to be nice to me. Nicer than he'd ever been, anyway. He smiled once, [Kim laughs] and I almost melted.
Kim: Oh, Draco. I bet it was like a… like a… like a really forced, like… [makes strained sound]
Sequoia: [strained] We're at the Yule Ball together. Yeah, we'll take a picture of us doing those smiles and post it on Instagram.
Kim: [laughs] No we won’t.
Sequoia: No we won’t! [laughs]
Kim: Don’t lie!
Sequoia: His smile could bring a nation to its knees.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: But…
Kim: Heh.
Sequoia: ...negotiations fell through. My parents… [sighs] MY parents…
Kim: [very quietly] Oh my god. Negotiations fell through.
Sequoia: ...who taught me all I know, and supposedly had the dirt on anyone and everyone and could use it to get anything they wanted, couldn't get their own daughter what she wanted.
Kim: Oooh. [sing-songy] What is happening?
Sequoia: [laughs] Her parents tried to blackmail the Malfoys into marrying their daughter.
Kim: Why would you do… why wouldn't you just go to the Malfoys and be like, hey, your son smiled at our daughter once. I guess they’re into it. [Sequoia laughs] Let's do this thing.
Sequoia: Let's go. Or you could go to the Malfoys and be like, so, these twelve Quidditch stars [Kim laughs] and these ten Ministry prodigies want to marry my daughter, but apparently she wants to settle for your…
Kim: Ol’ what’s-his-face.
Sequoia: ...runty, stupid, awful son. [both laugh] So let’s do that thing.
Kim: Maybe that’s what they said. [Sequoia laughs] And Lucius was like, [posh, whiny drawl] myyy son…
Sequoia: [same voice] Myyy son. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh my gosh.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: I can't stop. That's amazing. I love it. Picturing Lucius Malfoy constantly saying that.
Sequoia: Myyy son. [both laugh] Oh my god. Excellent. Okay, you are… okay. I'm just gonna… I'm just gonna go.
Kim: Just read it.
Sequoia: Here we go. [sighs] They told me, "The Malfoys already have an arrangement. With the Zabini family."
Kim: [whispering] Yes.
Sequoia: [whispering] Yes.
Kim: [whispering] Yes!
Sequoia: [whispering] Yes.
Kim: Yes, Blaise, you are so hot. [Sequoia laughs] And so gender ambiguous. That everyone wants a piece.
Sequoia: [sing-songy] Everyone wants a piece of that. They told me, "We've been advised to strike a deal with the Goyles. [Kim laughs] Actually, we've been forced to," they told me.
Kim: The Malfoys were like, for even daring to assume…
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah.
Kim: ...you must marry Greg!”
Sequoia: Yeah! Oh! [laughs] Or Greg's family was like, oh, uh, could you get them to...? But could you get them to… you could get them to take Greg. [laughs]
Kim: Anyone take Greg.
Sequoia: Somebody take Greg.
Kim: The boy needs help!
Sequoia: [laughs] They told me, "We have to do what's in the Dark Lord's best interests, honey." Because it's in the Dark Lord's best interests for Pansy to marry Greg and not Draco. Or a Quidditch star. Or a Ministry prodigy. [pause] Yep. [both laugh] His best…
Kim: So they were forced to... were they forced by Voldemort?
Sequoia: Apparently?
Kim: Why would Voldemort care?
Sequoia: Voldemort’s like, oh my god. Will you guys please stop squabbling over this insignificant garbage? I'm going to kill everyone anyway.
Kim: [laughs] Marry the dumb one!
Sequoia: Yeah. Just pawn her off on the dumb one. [sighs] His best interests? What about mine? This idiot is going to drool all over my robes, I know it!
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: And I've seen him dance. It’s not a pretty sight.
Kim: Boy can't dance!
Sequoia: Boy can't dance.
Kim: I bet he dances…
Sequoia: Also, it's very rude to assume that he would drool all over your robes. He's a person. He's stupid.
Kim: No, I… I imagined that he was gonna be, like, trying to make out with her, but then he's gonna miss. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Okay, that's valid. Okay, yeah. Uh huh. While they're dancing?
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Why are they having the Yule Ball again? [both laugh]
Sequoia: Because that is another huge thing in fanfiction! People love to have the Yule Ball again.
Kim: It's a Triwizard Cup thing. Why are we doing it again?
Sequoia: For fun! And for romance! [pause] And fun. [pause] And high jinks and romance. [both laugh] No, you're not buying it? All right. All right.
Kim: I mean, Hogwarts needs more inter-house events to keep the Slytherins from getting so ostracized.
Sequoia: Yeah, but like, they don't want to plan a whole new thing. Like you know, we had a Yule Ball. Just have another one. We’ll just have another one. Yule, it’s just around Christmas time.
Kim: But why don't… why don't they do that in the books? [Sequoia laughs] Actually though!
Sequoia: I don't know.
Kim: I mean, yeah, it's dumb and tropey but make the kids hang out so that they don't suck so much!
Sequoia: [laughs] Stupid Gryffindors.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: I'm back. I'm reading the story.
Kim: Yeah, but I don't understand what this transitio… oh right, because Hermione was insulting her at the beginning of the story, right?
Sequoia: Okay, so Hermione wasn’t insulting her. Like, no one was actively insulting her. They were just, like, giggling behind their hands at her.
Kim: That Greg exists?
Sequoia: That she's with Greg. They're like, oh, look at Pansy. I bet she tried to get with Draco and then it didn't work out.
Kim: [laughs] Because he and…
Sequoia: Because Blaise is so hot. [both laugh]
Kim: That's canon.
Sequoia: [sing-songy] That is canon. Stupid Gryffindors. They're still looking this way and grinning like maniacs. They have no idea how lucky they are. They don't have to serve anyone's best interests. They get to choose whomever they want.
Kim: That’s awful. How is it in the best interest for Greg to be anywhere?
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh, who knows? They're weird that way, though. Weasley? Okay, poor, granted… [both laugh] but still pureblood, and gorgeous.
Kim: Oh! Ron’s good looking today.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Good for him!
Sequoia: He’s stupid though. He’s stupid, but he’s good looking in this one.
Kim: Is he? She was gonna call him stupid… well, she was gonna say that…
Sequoia: And he was… she was gonna say he was ugly, and physically… yeah.
Kim: Yeah, I don't think she was telling the truth earlier.
Sequoia: Or something. I dunno what she was saying.
Kim: He is poor though.
Sequoia: He’s poor.
Kim: That is true.
Sequoia: Okay, poor…
Kim: He’s also a blood traitor. Pansy? Don't be looking at the blood traitors, Pansy!
Sequoia: Listen, she's sitting next to Greg and she's just like, anything. Anything. Anything but this.
Kim: [laughs] I wonder if Vince is jealous.
Sequoia: [laughs] I tried to find some good Vince/Greg.
Kim: Ohh, yeah?
Sequoia: But I just… nothing was…
Kim: Doesn’t happen.
Sequoia: Nothing was good. There wasn't very much of it.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And none of it was super good.
Kim: [whispering] That’s too bad.
Sequoia: I was sad about it. But that's what… I was character specific searching when I found this
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: ‘Cause Greg!
Kim: Oh, Greg.
Sequoia: Weasley, okay, poor, granted, but still pureblood and gorgeous, is talking to Granger? I mean, come on.
Kim: [laughs] Look at it. [Sequoia laughs] It’s hideous.
Sequoia: She's smart, yeah, but she's a Mudblood.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Yeah, no, this is…
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: We're not even going the ugly route.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: She's going straight to being a…
Kim: Racist piece of shit?
Sequoia: Racist piece of garbage.
Kim: This is… this… I like the way this is written. Like, it's a ridiculous premise, but I like it.
Sequoia: But I buy it.
Kim: Oh yeah, this is good.
Sequoia: Yeah, for sure. And she's not even some sort of Muggle millionaire, just some ordinary girl. [Kim laughs] Come on! Draco's right about that family, I suppose. The Weasleys are all Muggle loving fools.
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: I see Potter and the young Weasley girl are here together, too.
Kim: Gross.
Sequoia: Well, at least the females have some sense. [sing-songy] Question mark, question mark, question mark. Question mark. I mean…
Kim: She thinks… she thinks Harry's… she's… she's…
Sequoia: Better than Hermione because he comes from wizarding blood, at least.
Kim: [quietly] Oh jeez.
Sequoia: I guess? She's really that horrible.
Kim: She’s awful, I like it!
Sequoia: She's really that horrible. I mean, that guy is annoying… [both laugh]
Kim: She's correct.
Sequoia: She got it! She knows.
Kim: Jesus, Harry, shut up! About being the Chosen One!
Sequoia: [laughs] [whiny voice] I’m the Chosen One! Obnoxious!
Kim: [laughs] [whiny voice] Ugh, my scar hurts! [fake sobs] [both laugh] I can't not get myself into dangerous situations! Wah!
Sequoia: [laughs] [even whinier] I'm stuck at the Dursleys’ all summer! No one will write to me!
Kim: [laughs] Ohhh, god!
Sequoia: [laughs] We're awful. I love it.
Kim: More Harry hate! [Sequoia laughs] The listeners don't demand it. But I do.
Sequoia: I do. I can't help it. I mean, the guy is annoying, but he's rich and pureblood. No he's not.
Kim: No he's not.
Sequoia: No he's not.
Kim: No he's not.
Sequoia: No he’s not. No he’s not.
Kim: That’s wrong. Pansy, what?
Sequoia: What are you talking about?
Kim: Girrrl?
Sequoia: Girrrl? Not bad looking, either. I guess if you're a Gryffindor, that's the best you can hope for. There aren't any real brains lurking around in that outfit.
Kim: Sheeee would not be attracted to that anyway!
Sequoia: Yeah. No. What are you talking about? [Kim laughs] Also Hermione Granger, so there you go.
Kim: Pansy/Hermione, bring it to me.
Sequoia: [sing-songy] Bring it to us! Oh well. They're all going to die, anyway, if that… [Kim burst out laughing] [both laugh for a long time] This is the most fun I've ever had reading a story.
Kim: Oh, that’s so good!
Sequoia: Pansy’s such aaa…
Kim: Amazing person.
Sequoia: Oh my god, I fucking love it.
Kim: [sighs] Good. Yes.
Sequoia: If that Dark Lord gets what's in his "best interests," which really shouldn't have anything to do with making me look like an idiot, but do anyway, I guess.
Kim: [laughs] The Dark Lord doesn't care about you, Pansy.
Sequoia: He doesn't care.
Kim: No one…
Sequoia: He just wants your parents to shut up about your fucking arranged marriages.
Kim: [laughs] He just needs Lucius to stop saying…
Both: ...myyy son!
Kim: For like ten seconds.
Sequoia: [laughs] Now they're not looking at me any more. Someone behind me… oh, Draco's here now, with Blaise.
Kim: Heeheeheehee! Man, they must be such a lovely couple.
Sequoia: [laughs] [quietly sing-songy] Yes, Draco/Blaise! They look dignified and contented together, nothing like how I must look with Goyle, and as much as I hate Blaise, I have to admit that she looks stunning.
Kim: Duh!
Sequoia: Her naturally curly, long black hair is down, spilling over her shoulders…
Kim: Oh, Pansy’s into it.
Sequoia: Yeah, she's so into it. [laughs]
Kim: Who isn't into it, though?
Sequoia: This might be reading specific.
Kim: [dreamily] Blaise…
Sequoia: And her olive green eyes shine as she looks at Draco. They're both wearing a deep violet color robe, and look like royalty. I glance critically at Goyle. Dull brown curls.
Kim: Aww.
Sequoia: Vacant stare.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Pale green robes that clash with my own royal blue. They didn't even… didn't even bother to color coordinate. No coordination is happening.
Kim: In… in Goblet of Fire Harry describes Crabbe and Goyle as looking like mossy boulders, doesn't he?
Sequoia: [laughs] He does. He's just… he's recycling the outfit.
Kim: He must be even larger, though. [both laugh]
Sequoia: He needs to be as big as the sun!
Kim: Greg is constantly expanding! [Sequoia laughs] No way he could wear the same robes as last year.
Sequoia: No way.
Kim: Can't even wear the same robes as last week!
Sequoia: What's up?
Kim: What does that mean?
Sequoia: Apparently this is an episode where we get really mean.
Kim: I don't mean that he's getting fat. I mean that he's getting huge!
Sequoia: As big as the sun. I heave a gargantuan sigh.
Kim: I heave a gian-garga-bl… [laughs]
Sequoia: What the fuck was that supposed to be? [Kim clears throat] Try again.
Kim: [clears throat] [pause] Nope!
Sequoia: [laughs] Nope? [laughs]
Kim: Wait, here it comes, here it comes. I heave a gargantuan barf-ee.
Sequoia: Why? Why would you say that?
Kim: ‘Cause she's looking at Greg and she's all grossed out.
Sequoia: Oh yeah.
Kim: So she’s like [gagging noise] hyegh.
Sequoia: That would be… it would blend right in with his robes! [both laugh]
Kim: Where's Vince?
Sequoia: Who knows?
Kim: Crying in the corner?
Sequoia: Probably. Nobody's arranged married to him.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: It's sad.
Kim: There's no one they can [laughing] force to marry him.
Sequoia: There’s nobody left.
Kim: There's only one slash two if you're counting Blaise today girls in Slytherin.
Sequoia: They're both…
Kim: Except Pansy always has a group of girls that she's laughing meanly about Hermione with, I feel like.
Sequoia: Oh, she does. Oh, there are other ones but they're just not named.
Kim: It’s just that none of them get names.
Sequoia: Yeah. I heave a gargantuan sigh. “Pansy?” “Yes, Gregory?”
Kim: Yes. There he was. He said a word. Look at him go.
Sequoia: Look at him go! Ugh. Do I really have to call him Gregory?
Kim: [snorts] No, call him Greg. It’s his name.
Sequoia: I hate this. [both laugh]
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: “Uh, Can we get something to eat now?” Great. The rest of my life in a nutshell.
Kim: ‘Cause he needs to get HUGE! [laughs]
Sequoia: Watching him eat. Fantastic. “Yeah, fine." If I would've come with Draco, like I should have, [Kim laughs] I might drag out the entrance longer for dramatic effect. [Kim laughs again] But as I'm with Goyle, we might as well just sit down and eat. We sit at the Slytherin table and he begins to pile three of everything onto his plate.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: I know this is just his first helping. That doesn't do much for my appetite. "Pansy?" "What?" I demand, exasperated. "Uh, you look beautiful tonight."
Kim: [pause] He's doing his little best.
Sequoia: Aw, he’s doin’ his little best!
Kim: Awwwww, fuck him. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I can only stare at him in shock. Something more than a grunt from Goyle? Scratch that. An almost eloquent compliment from Goyle?
Kim: Yeah, it was coherent.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: And everything.
Sequoia: Mhm. He grins. "Didn't think I could handle a sentence at a time, did you?"
[pause]
Kim: Who’s this? This isn't Greg.
Sequoia: Goyle. That was Greg.
Kim: This… that’s not Greg.
Sequoia: That was Greg. That was Greg!
Kim: That’s not my Greg!
Sequoia: that was Greg [both laugh] What happened to MY GREG?
Kim: Incoherent grunting or nothing!
Sequoia: Screw dignity. My jaw will remain where it is on the floor. "Honestly?" He nods. "No." He shrugs. "That's what everyone thinks."
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: I slide some food onto my plate, lacking an adequate reply. I glance over at the Gryffindor table. Weasley smirks at me. I scowl.
Kim: [laughs] Ron can't smirk, he's too busy eating!
Sequoia: Yeah, wait, isn't Ron eating too? [both laugh] Goyle notices this. "I could take him, you know."
Kim: [barely audible whisper] In bed.
Sequoia: [laughs] Why?
Kim: Why not?
Sequoia: I somehow doubt this, the Weasel now having filled out, and seriously built from Quidditch training!!!
Kim: Yeeeesss! [Sequoia laughs, Kim claps] [sing-songy] Show me them…
Sequoia: [sing-songy] Quidditch muscles. [both laugh] Oh, my god!
Kim: Yes. But also, no. Greg is as big as the sun! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah! ...and seriously built from Quidditch training, not to mention that typical redhead temper, but I say nothing. "Seriously. If he's annoying you." That's what he meant? Okay, Goyle, protective much? But some part of me…
Kim: I mean, wait! But he spends all of his time protecting Draco, he would be.
Sequoia: That's his… that's his, like, primary function as a human being.
Kim: Yeah! Protect Draco.
Sequoia: Yeah, but now he's engaged.
Kim: Right, so Draco has to find his own… Blaise had better be a good…
Sequoia: Bodyguard? [both laugh] Yeah.
Kim: Draco needs it.
Sequoia: Oh, he does. [whispering] Li’l ferret faced git. But some part of me, some strange optimistic part, finds a sort of niceness to this. "Thanks, but that won't be necessary, Gregory." He smiles slightly. "You can call me Goyle.
Kim: Aww.
Sequoia: Everyone does. Even my parents."
Kim: What? That doesn't make any sense.
Sequoia: Doesn't make sense. [laughs]
Kim: It does not make sense, but fine. Continue. Do you think they have like seven kids and they just call them all Goyle?
Sequoia: [cracks up] Yeah.
Kim: Dinner time at the Goyles’ house! Goyle, pass me that butter. Goyle, pass me that…
Sequoia: Yeah, that's… they’re obviously referring to the Goyle that's closest to the butter.
Kim: Goyle, pass me that protein shake.
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh my god! [both laugh]
Kim: And they’re all like, here, and then they get ten protein shakes. [Sequoia laughs] How are there ten? I think there were only nine. It’s fine, whatever.
Sequoia: What is going on? [sighs] "Okay." I smile back, at least a little bit. And I notice something. He looks all right in green. The End.
Kim: Awww!
Sequoia: [cutesy voice] What a cute ending.
Kim: That's a nice story, and guess what?
Sequoia: What?
Kim: [whispers] I got a point.
Sequoia: You did, there was no magic in that storyyyy!
Kim: That's our first point in months!
Sequoia: Point! Point! Point! Point!
Kim: Woooooo! [Sequoia makes bass thumping noises] Holy shit! [both laugh]
Sequoia: You did it.
Kim: Such a rush! [both laugh]
Sequoia: [sing-songy] You did it!
Kim: Nice! That was good. I liked that story a lot.
Sequoia: I really like that story.
Kim: Pansy was really well characterized.
Sequoia: Mhm, written very well. [pause] The…
Kim: Blaise was in it.
Sequoia: It… okay, it had some of our favorite stuff, which is, Blaise is a girl, and Quidditch muscles.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: It had Pansy talkin’ ‘bout how Ron is gorgeous...
Kim: [laughing] Shit.
Sequoia: And apparently Harry’s a pureblood. [Kim laughs] She doesn’t know what pureblood means. She has no clue.
Kim: You know, actually, if you think about it, though, that definition makes more sense. Both of Harry’s parents were magic users.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: It's just racist to think of him as not pure.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, definitely.
Kim: Guess Pansy’s not as racist as she pretends to be.
Sequoia: And his dad’s line is really good or whatever.
Kim: Whatever.
Sequoia: His dad’s whatever. But like, it’s got Greg. We needed some Greg.
Kim: Greg is there.
Sequoia: He’s there. He has multiple lines.
Kim: That's quite a thing. Yeah, that was really good.
Sequoia: God, it… and that’s just like… yeah.
Kim: Thank you for bringing me that.
Sequoia: I liked that story a lot. It had some good tropes in it.
Kim: Did you want to do… oh yeah, it did. Do you wanna do our segment? [sing-songy] Summaries!
Sequoia: Oh, [sing-songy] Summaries! Yeah, I’m in.
Kim: I have no memory of what we did for that last time.
Sequoia: Yeah, nope!
Kim: So, there was that!
Sequoia: Different every time. I also had no idea what you were talking about ‘cause I forgot that that’s a new segment.
Kim: Well.
Sequoia: [sing-songy] We know how to do the podcast! Classic bit! [both laugh]
Kim: Jesus Christ! [both keep laughing]
Sequoia: I feel like I’m especially on one today, I dunno what’s happening.
Kim: Wooo! All right, gimme that summary.
Sequoia: Of Balls and Vows. Pansy's POV. How she ended up with Goyle as her date to the Yule Ball. Fifth year. GregoryPansy. That was pretty normal, boring.
Kim: Yeah that was just descriptive of what happens. That’s not what I wanted.
Sequoia: I know! But we started the… we started the segment, now we gotta follow through with it.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Fine.
Kim: That’s… yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah, so I found this because I was searching character specifically for Greg.
Kim: Uh huh. A good search.
Sequoia: Mhm. And there was a lot of Vince/Greg, in proportion to like…
Kim: Anything else.
Sequoia: Yeah exactly. A startling amount of Hermione/Greg. So I read a lot, and this was by far the best.
Kim: It was really good!
Sequoia: Because you don't really, like… we don't really have much characterization of Greg other than like, he’s kinda, like, big and stupid?
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: And grunts?
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: And tries to protect Draco?
Kim: We do have a really surface level characterization of Pansy that this really nailed.
Sequoia: Oh absolutely.
Kim: She’s racist.
Sequoia: And awful.
Kim: And that's it!
Sequoia: And cares a lot about the outward projection…
Kim: That’s true.
Sequoia: ...of herself and the people around her, and dadadadada. So perception is key for her.
Kim: Yeah. It was good
Sequoia: And I had more fun… I… that's the most fun I've ever had reading a story.
Kim: I dunno, Capture the Uncapturable was pretty good.
Sequoia: Oh my god. [laughs] Yeah, also that, also that.
Kim: Good story.
Sequoia: I'm glad you got a point. Maybe this means, like, the dry spell is over.
Kim: I don't think so.
Sequoia: And we will now be just gettin’ points all over.
Kim: I know what I have lined up for the next episode.
Sequoia: Godammit. Speaking of the next episode…
Kim: Oh! Yeah, we’re having a… so it’s episode twenty.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: Which I guess is a number that is large.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: And we’re having a special guest.
Sequoia: Havin’ a [sing-songy] special guest that you might recognize!
Kim: It's our ol’ pal Colin!
Sequoia: It’s our pally ol’ pal Colin!
Kim: Our ol’ buddy ol’ pal. Yeah.
Sequoia: Ol’ buddy pal pal pal and…
Kim: Yeah, so we had a lot of fun with the Valentine's Day episode so we thought we’d have him back on!
Sequoia: Absofreakinlutely.
Kim: So look forward to that because I sure am.
Sequoia: All right, so before I give my recommendation, I need to get summin’ off my chest, I need to say summin’ here real quick.
Kim: Yeah you do. You really do.
Sequoia: I really do. And here's the thing.
Kim: I know none of you are reading what we’re recommending, but…
Sequoia: But I lost… I lost faith in you all, and in myself. And just…
Kim: I’m reading our recommendations.
Sequoia: ...recommended some really bad stuff. So here’s what… well, here's the thing, is, I recommended two Valentine’s Day stories, so my two recommendations in a row, that I liked the premise of, and the writing was not good.
Kim: They were not good stories.
Sequoia: I enjoyed reading them and I liked the premise of them and we can fight all we want about it…
Kim: [laughing] They were bad.
Sequoia: But all I’m saying here is that they are badly written. So I apologize for that. Nauseous Romance is good and I liked it.
Kim: They were… They were fun, though. I… I had fun reading them.
Sequoia: Right, I had fun reading them.
Kim: They just were not very good.
Sequoia: They just weren't that great, which is fine. Sometimes it’s hard to find them! I have a recommendation.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: For this episode.
Kim: I’ll read it.
Sequoia: It’s called Mother of a Hero, and it’s a really short oneshot.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: In the… the tag is drama.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: And it is about two moments in the life of Peter Pettigrew’s mother.
Kim: Oh wow, like a really deep cut.
Sequoia: Yeah, when she finds out… when she finds out that he died a hero.
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia: And when she finds out that he didn’t die, and is not a hero.
Kim: Oh, nice! That sounds really good.
Sequoia: Yeah, so it’s like, it's really short, and it could have been a lot more fleshed out.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: And… but I just, like, really…
Kim: It's a good premise.
Sequoia: Yeah, like, I was like, oh my god, yeah.
Kim: Got some good hooks, yeah. I like it.
Sequoia: Anyway, so that's my recommendation!
Kim: Nice. I will read it.
Sequoia: Hooray!
Kim: Just me.
Sequoia: Just you.
Kim: For real guys, if any of you are actually reading them, let us know!
Sequoia: That would be nice. [Kim laughs] I’d try harder. Okay! You can find us on social media. Instagram, Twitter, Facebook.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: @FananticalFics.
Kim: That's us! We also have an email, FanaticalFics@gmail.com if you have some longer thoughts that maybe can’t be contained in a series of tweets that you wanna send to us.
Sequoia: Or send us fifty tweets in a row!
Kim: You know, whatever! Yeah, that’s uh FanaticalFics@gmail.com.
Sequoia: We have a story submission form.
Kim: Yes. We. Do.
Sequoia: That people have been USING.
Kim: Thank. You. So. Much!
Sequoia: [simultaneously] And. We. Love. It! [both laugh] So yes, please continue to use that.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: You can submit a story to us. We may not read it on the podcast, but…
Kim: But it will get read! Thank you so very much…
Sequoia: We will read it.
Kim: ...for sending those to me.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: I love them so much. [Sequoia laughs] Oh my gosh.
Sequoia: Oh my god. Yeah.
Kim: The link is in the description.
Sequoia: In the episode description.
Kim: Yep!
Sequoia: That is where you will find it.
Kim: Send those to us.
Sequoia: Send them to us. You can support us in a few different ways.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: You can leave us a review on iTunes, that would be so lovely.
Kim: We love them. We love your feedback and hearing about what we're doing well, maybe what we’re not doing so well, let us know!
Sequoia: Let us know, and we’ll shout out to you.
Kim: We’ll… yeah!
Sequoia: [sing-songy] Shout out…
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: ...to you!
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Yeah? Good?
Kim: That.
Sequoia: Excellent.
Kim: Another way you can support us, tell a… fr… friend.
Sequoia: Tell… tell your friends.
Kim: That this exists.
Sequoia: Every one of your friends. Individually. [Kim laughs] I'd like you to sit down, on your Facebook, right now, send an individual message to every single one of your Facebook friends, NOW.
Kim: [still laughing] Don't do that!
Sequoia: Why not? Why not, okay. But yeah, if you could…
Kim: Nobody wants this.
Sequoia: Nobody wants this? Yeah, tell your friends about our podcast, that would be great! You can also support us on Patreon.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: That link is in the episode description as well.
Kim: We've got some swag, stickers and stuff, if you’re interested in that, but there’s also bonus audio content and bonus written content.
Sequoia: [singing] Don't look at me!
Kim: Pointed look!
Sequoia: You can also get early access to our episodes.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So you get it a day… get it a day early! It's fun! It's fun!
Kim: Yeah, so that link’s in the description. And one of the things about Patreon that we’ve just started doing recently, if you have… one of the tiers of support on Patreon comes with thanks in the episode!
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah.
Kim: And so I guess we’re gonna do that now.
Sequoia: We're doin’ it now.
Kim: Okay, I’m gonna… I’ll start us off. Here we go.
Sequoia: Okay, great.
Kim: [clears throat excessively] [Sequoia also clears throat] No, I gotta get into it, you know?
Sequoia: Oh right. Oh right. Oh.
Kim: Gotta work myself up.
Sequoia: There’s a… there’s some voices coming.
Kim: [deep breathing] I can do this.
Sequoia: [whisper] You’ve got this.
Kim: [bad Bulgarian accent] “Your Harpies may be good, Ginevra, but you will not be able to defeat me. Your beater, Lexi, may know her way around a bat, but the Snitch will be mine!” [both laugh] Now I’m turning it over to Sequoia.
Sequoia: When a freak pumpkin juice accident leaves Ginny in the hospital wing, Madam Pomfrey’s new assistant Gina keeps her company. While they bond over a mutual love of Quidditch and Transfiguration, will a romance blossom? A/N: I dunno what Ginny's fave subject would be so I just picked one lolz!
Kim: [snorts] Jesus Christ! [both laugh] Fuckin A/N! All right, all right, my turn again. My turn again. Are you ready?
Sequoia: Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Kim: I’m not ready. [Sequoia laughs] [in a whiny drawl] “Even though I only went out with her because myyyyyy faaaather said I had to, I’ve realized that Marcella is almost as hot as I am! [Sequoia laughs] I’m sure this will make Granger jealous.”
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeeeees!
Kim: Thank you so much to our Patron… Patreon supporters, we love you.
Sequoia: We love you so much. We hope you enjoy our shout outs. We try to make them fun, for you! [pause] They’re for you! [Kim snorts] And they're fun!
Kim: Ta dah!
Sequoia: Thank you to the Whomping Willows for our awesome theme song, Wolfstar. Bye!
Kim: [laughing] Bye!