Episode 19: Mommy, Why?
Today we’re exploring a common fan fiction trope that takes a turn for the… strange? You’re in for a ride you won’t see coming.
Recommendation: Desk Duty
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/2091884/1/Desk-Duty
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Sydney
Transcriber: Eva
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Sequoia: [in a low voice] Uhhh...did you see the new trailer for The Crimes of Grindelwald?
Kim: Yeah, I did and, spoiler alert, if you’re not... if you’re avoiding...
Sequoia: Yeah, the trailers. A lot of people do. A lot of people do avoid the trailers, so…
Kim: Yeah, that’s totally reasonable. The trailers are scary.
Sequoia: Let’s talk about it. I wanna talk about it.
Kim: Yeah, okay.
Sequoia: I need to... I need to talk about it.
Kim: Yeah, no, I... I couldn’t stop yelling during the trailer about Apparating on the grounds of Hogwarts. [begins laughing]
Sequoia: [Kim keeps laughing in the background] Oh my god, that is not even… ugh, there’s so many... there’s so many reasons why that’s okay. There’s like eight million explanations for that. That is not even close to the...
Kim: I mean, yeah, I yelled, and then I yelled some explanations. You know me! [Sequoia laughs] I was like, were they Apparating? Oh, there’s this reason and this reason.
Sequoia: And then you...
Kim: And then the trailer was over.
Sequoia: Right, and then you didn’t pay attention to the rest of the trailer. You just yelled about that while, like, right...
Kim: Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: That was, like, the beginning of the trailer.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: So what else happened in the trailer? Do you remember? [long pause] Riiiiiiight.
Kim: [weakly] Jude Law was there.
Sequoia: Riiiight. He was...
Kim: Looking fresh.
Sequoia: Looking fiiine.
Kim: Looking fresh. Um… there was a beast?
Sequoia: There was a couple of beasts, in fact, [Kim laughs] so, good. I’m really glad that you got a lot out of it.
Kim: You know, the thing is I could have watched it again, but I would have started yelling again about Apparating.
Sequoia: Okay, see…
Kim: The second... it would have been like a loop. I couldn’t have…
Sequoia: Right. Oh good. I watched it three times in a row and then proceeded to read every article that had been written so far. This was, like, the day it came out.
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: And there was already a million articles…
Kim: Of course!
Sequoia: ...dissecting it scene by scene. And I read about ten of those. So I feel very well versed in the trailer.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Like what?
Sequoia: I’m really excited about Leta Lestrange.
Kim: [quietly] Right, she is a person who is in it.
Sequoia: [quietly] Oh my god, you’re killing me. [both break out in laughter]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It's our podcast about Harry Potter fanfiction.
Sequoia: Question mark?
Kim: Because we thought that was something that the world needed.
Sequoia: It was, and it did. And it is grateful.
Kim: You’re welcome, world.
Sequoia: You’re welcome. Speaking of you’re welcome...
Kim: We are?
Sequoia: There’s been some people, like, tweeting at us and like giving us reviews on iTunes.
Kim: Oh, that was a good segue. I planned that.
Sequoia: You were so startled by the good segue! Oh, man.
Kim: I ruined it. [both laugh] Oops.
Sequoia: Ohhh, and this, I AM good at this. I am. It’s you. [more laughter]
Kim: Just hear me hit the microphone with my face. Great.
Sequoia: Damn it.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: But we do want to give a shout out to...
Kim: That’s right, we do.
Sequoia: We got a couple more iTunes reviews.
Kim: Yeah, so…
Sequoia: What a special shout out to Jen, who's been tweeting at us and gave us a review on iTunes and is a Patreon patron and is just like killing it.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: At liking this podcast, which is amazing, because like we’re always like, [funny voice] who even likes this podcast?
Kim: Not me. [both laugh]
Sequoia: So shout out to Jen. Also, thank you for bringing #OrWhatever...
Kim: Into our lives.
Sequoia: Into our lives. I’m so happy.
Kim: And also, shout out to James Mark. Thank you so much for reviewing us. Oh, and we also want to give a special shout out to whoever gave us two stars. [Sequoia laughs] Thanks for listening. We really appreciate it.
Sequoia: Thank you for listening to our podcast.
Kim: We deserve it. [both laugh] So yeah, make sure if you're enjoying this or not enjoying it, give us a shout out, give us a review on iTunes. We love them.
Sequoia: We love them. Even the two star ones.
Kim: We love you.
Sequoia: We don’t want a lot of those though.
Kim: No, we love you. Give it to me.
Sequoia: We just... no, no, we don’t want a lot of those.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Don’t encourage that kind of behavior.
Kim: But I deserve it. [both laugh] Oh, awesome.
Sequoia: Oh man.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: Excellent.
Kim: All right. You ready for some fanfiction?
Sequoia: Yeah, I guess this is a... I guess this is a Harry Potter fanfiction podcast.
Kim: I guess this is the part where we do that. Is this the part where we do that?
Sequoia: Right. And we start out with predictions. We know how to do the podcast. We start out with predictions.
Kim: Yeah, yeah. I’ve done… I’ve done the podcast before.
Sequoia: Do you think it's gonna get old for our listeners?
Kim: What?
Sequoia: How many times we are like, how does our podcast work? [makes sound describing annoyance] Mulluuh. [laughs]
Kim: I dunno, I love…
Sequoia: Do you think that gets old?
Kim: I love bits.
Sequoia: Tweet at us! [both laugh]
Kim: I love a bit! If the bit is bad, I love it anyway. Okay, so, here we go. We’re gonna jump into the predictions. Make sure that you send us your predictions.
Sequoia: People stopped doing it. Only Gina does it.
Kim: Gina… Gina drew us a picture of her prediction.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah!
Kim: And sent it to us on Instagram which was ah-mazing.
Sequoia: It was so great, I was like, no-one’s gonna do that.
Kim: That was great.
Sequoia: It was awesome!
Kim: Do that! [Sequoia laughs] Listeners.
Sequoia: All of you, tweet at us.
Kim: Or tweet at us or whatever. We wanna hear what your predictions are.
Sequoia: Or... whatever.
Kim: Make us feel better about how bad we are at it.
Sequoia: Yes, speaking of which, can I... can I…?
Kim: Yep, here we go. Are you ready?
Sequoia: Sure. No.
Kim: This fanfiction is called Mommy, Why?
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: And the genre is drama.
Sequoia: [elongating every word] I… don’t… what…?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Okay. The mommy…
Kim: Yep?
Sequoia: ...in this story…
Kim: Give it to me.
Sequoia: ...is... [pause] Oh god. Damnit, I can’t think of any moms [laughing] in Harry Potter. [struggling through laughter] I can’t believe... I’m having a total breakdown.
Kim: Don’t predict that then!
Sequoia: It’s... it’s Molly Weasley.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Ummm, at some point in the story somebody goes to timeout!
Kim: Good.
Sequoia: And… [pause] There’s no magic in this story.
Kim: No magic in this story. You know what, actually, that’s a really good prediction for fanfictions.
Sequoia: It is.
Kim: Because they always fucking forget that they can do magic.
Sequoia: Right?
Kim: I love it. All right, cool. I’m gonna say right now, I actually maybe should have told you this before. This story features a fairly common fanfiction trope that I’ve encountered a few times and I thought this one represented it pretty well.
Sequoia: ‘Kay.
Kim: Also I wanted to let you guys know that I edited this story for length. I actually tossed out a whole chapter. I’ll give you a summary when we get there.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: But I tossed out a whole chapter. It was a three shot!
Sequoia: Oh, so you made it into a two shot!
Kim: It’s a two shot! Because, I don’t know...
Sequoia: All right, here we go. Two shot.
Kim: Two shot. Mommy, Why?
Sequoia: [quietly] Okay.
Kim: Here we go!
Sequoia: I don’t know that I’m ready for this.
Kim: Eh, you know…
Sequoia: I’m never ready!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: We’re never ready.
Kim: Never ready. [Sequoia laughs] All right, here we go. Chapter one. It was a dark night that October 31st and the Potters were happily sitting [Sequoia sighs for a long time] next to their fireplace. [Sequoia still sighing]
Sequoia: [whispering] Kill me. [laughs]
Kim: Like, obviously, Sequoia, come on.
Sequoia: Damnit, I almost did, too, and then I… [makes frustrated noises]
Kim: Come on.
Sequoia: I know, I know.
Kim: Come on.
Sequoia: I know.
Kim: All right. The Potters were happily sitting next to their fireplace, playing with their fifteen month old twin boys.
Sequoia: No!
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: No!
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: No!
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: No!
Kim: Yes. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I... I have never.. okay, so I’ve encountered this trope.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: But I have never actually read any fanfiction in this…
Kim: You haven’t read them?
Sequoia: No, I’ve never read one.
Kim: Ohhhh. The Other Potter or the Other Chosen One stories?
Sequoia: I’ve never read one.
Kim: They are… [whispering] interesting.
Sequoia: [laughs] Excellent, okay, I’m excited.
Kim: ‘Cause I’ve... I... I’m gonna... I’m gonna say right now, actually I’ve read a few stories that follow this exact format.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: We’ll get into it when we get to the stuff that happens. [chuckles]
Sequoia: Excellent. All right, no, I’m excited. Okay.
Kim: Yeah, all right. Their fifteen month old twin boys.
Sequoia: [quietly] Oh man.
Kim: Lily and James did not notice the dark figure approaching their house until they were fire called by Severus Snape, telling them to get out of there.
Sequoia: Oh my god, okay. Oh, okay.
Kim: ‘S a lot of information happening.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Snape is calling them.
Sequoia: Snape calls them, tells them to get out of there and they…
Kim: Snape calls them and is like hey, what’s up? How you doing?
Sequoia: [laughs] [softly] Heey Lily.
Kim: Hey, guuurrrrl. How you doing?
Sequoia: Hi, guys. So, and I’m... I’m.... okay. I’m interested to see how they manage to evacuate one baby. [Kim snorts]
Kim: Oh, you think that’s what’s gonna happen?
Sequoia: No?
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Okay. All right. Okay. All right. Okay.
Kim: Until they were fire called by Severus Snape telling them to get out of there, since Voldemort was heading their way. James immediately shot up and told Lily to take the children and run. Lily took the boys and went upstairs. James waited patiently for the snake man to come while Lily packed their bags.
Sequoia: The snake man cometh. [both laugh]
Kim: Sssss.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: So this is... this... this is just like a rewrite.
Kim: Kind of, yeah.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: So far.
Sequoia: Gotcha.
Kim: Voldemort was making his way slowly up the road towards Godric’s Hollow, relishing the fact that he was about to be rid of any opposition.
Sequoia: [dramatically] Or so he thought! [Kim chuckles] BUT IS HE? [Kim laughs in the background] BUT WILL IT?
Kim: He was quite pleased that he would be catching the Potters off guard since he had told no one that he was coming here. Clearly, he did.
Sequoia: No one? Yeah, he had to have told.
Kim: Snape knows!
Sequoia: Yeah. I don’t know, unless Snape is just, like, real good at snoopin’.
Kim: Watched. Just knows things.
Sequoia: He’s watching. He’s watching.
Kim: Snape does know things.
Sequoia: No, he doesn’t know things.
Kim: Fucking idiot. [Sequoia laughs] As Tom he had been very proud of his intelligence and despite all that had changed, he had yet to lose that.
Sequoia: [pause] Oh, okay. He’s lost his soul...
Kim: Uh huh. He’s not snake face.
Sequoia: …his nose...
Kim: Eyebrows.
Sequoia: But not his intelligence!
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Many things have changed...
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: ...but he’s still real smart.
Kim: Yep. Hey, you wanna speculate about his snake penis again?
Sequoia: No! [laughs] No one wants to do that!
Kim: [quietly] I think everyone wants that.
Sequoia: Nooo!
Kim: [quietly] Tweet at us.
Sequoia: [laughing] Damnit.
Kim: He had planned this quite carefully. He knew that if he went after the elder Potters first, he would definitely be foiled. If one of the parents died trying to protect the children, it would cast a deep everlasting spell of the most ancient kind. He knew to deal with the children first and to take care of the parents later.
Sequoia: What??
Kim: Yeah. In this alternate universe where there’s twins, Voldemort knows about the love spell.
Sequoia: Everything. He knows everything.
Kim: Oh yeah, except he told Snape and Snape called the Pot... [makes a dubious noise]
Sequoia: Okay, yeah, but like…
Kim: You know… yeah, so he’s ready.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: He’s prepared.
Sequoia: Oh shit!
Kim: He’s gonna take ‘em out! It’s been...
Sequoia: What’s gonna happen?
Kim: Take ‘em out.
Sequoia: Okay!
Kim: Tom got to the front of the manor and blasted the door off. He met James in the living room and quickly stupefied the man. The Riddle man quickly made his way up the stairs…
Sequoia: The Riddle man! [both laugh]
Kim: I know, I like that a lot.
Sequoia: I love that.
Kim: I left it in, it was good. The Riddler. Oh no, wait, not the Riddler.
Sequoia: No, not the Riddler. The Riddle man.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Thank you.
Kim: Yeah. The Riddle man quickly made his way up the stairs to where he felt the most magical energy coming from. He walked calmly into the infants’ room to see a frantic Lily gathering things into a duffel bag.
Sequoia: [whispering] Oh shit. Oh shit.
Kim: Voldemort voice?
Sequoia: Oh, Voldemort voice?
Kim: I don’t know that I can do that convincingly. Should I do something stupid instead?
Sequoia: I… I mean, I’m never gonna say that you shouldn’t do something stupid.
Kim: Just that my voices aren’t that distinct. I can do, like, two things. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Do Viktor Krum’s voice for Voldemort.
Kim: Ehh, it’s overplayed. I think I’m gonna dooo… [pause] my one voice.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Tell me if you like it and then maybe we can do it again if you don’t think this is good.
Sequoia: Okay. Go back, okay.
Kim: [nasal, high pitched voice] “That won’t be necessary.”
Sequoia: WHY? [both laugh hard] I, like, knew it was coming and I still wasn’t ready.
Kim: Yeah, it’s my one voice. It’s the one thing I can do.
Sequoia: I still wasn’t ready. Um. No, don’t do that for the...
Kim: All right, all right, all right, all right. [Sequoia laughs] Fine, I’ll try an actual Voldemort voice.
Sequoia: Try a Voldemort voice. [pause] Oh, this… [both laugh] the faces! The faces!
Kim: [high pitched and croaky at the same time] “That won’t be...” [laughs]
Sequoia: Oh, no, this is good! No, it’s really good, keep doing it. It’s really good.
Kim: [now also elongating the words] “That won’t be necessary, my dear!”
Sequoia: [makes noises somewhere between laughter and bemusement] [pause] The talent!
Kim: [laughing quietly] Send help! [Sequoia laughs] Send help.
Sequoia: The pure unadulterated talent that is just oozing on this podcast.
Kim: [laughing quietly] I think I’m crying.
Sequoia: Ooohhh yeah! Yes.
Kim: The tall man said calmly. [quietly] Fucking hell. [Sequoia chuckles] The woman spun around, looking horrified. Oh, I can do my Lily voice though, right?
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah.
Kim: [nasal, high pitched voice] “Please leave my babies be! [Sequoia bursts out laughing] Don’t take them!” [Sequoia continues laughing]
Sequoia: [pause] Yes, good. Continue. This is all wonderful.
Kim: Thank you. Lily cried desperately. [adds a slight husk to the high pitched croak] “Woman, I have been generous enough!” [Sequoia struggles with laughter] I can’t handle it. Shit.
Sequoia: I can’t handle it either. [Kim groans] It’s gonna have to be different.
Kim: I can’t do it.
Sequoia: Just do... just don’t... just do... just don’t. [laughs]
Kim: “I have been generous…” [breaks down] I keep doing it. Shit. [both laugh]
Sequoia: [sighs and laughs] Okay, yeah, he’s been generous enough.
Kim: “Woman, I have been generous enough just letting you live at the moment.”
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: “Don’t test my patience!” he hissed.
Sequoia: Test his patience! Do it! [both laugh]
Kim: He stupefied the woman and watched her collapse to the floor before turning to the infants.
Sequoia: Oh shit!
Kim: The younger one, who was a strawberry blond, started to call for his mother. The other was still asleep. Yeah?
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Okay, yeah?
Sequoia: Okay. I don’t... is the other one Harry?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: He’s just asleep.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: He is just, like, all right, good night. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah, he’s fucking stupid! Have you met Harry?
Sequoia: This other one is clearly smarter. Why didn’t we get the other one? [Kim laughs] What’s gonna happen to him?
Kim: “How bitterly sweet! You’re saying your first words and your parents will never know!”
Sequoia: Oh shit!
Kim: Tom raised his wand toward the blond, who was getting annoying. He started saying the words, “Avada…” “You really don’t wanna do that.” The thought rang through Voldemort’s head.
Sequoia: What is happening? What’s happening?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: You ready? For some shit?
Sequoia: Oh my god, I don’t know! Oh my god, I don’t know if I’m ready yet! [calmly] No, I’m ready, I’m ready.
Kim: “Yes, I do,” he responded. “Avada…” “I’m seriously warning you, that’s not gonna work.” Tom was getting a bit peeved. He had never had a problem killing anyone before.
Sequoia: [whispering] What’s going on?
Kim: [quietly] Can’t... can’t get it up today. [Sequoia laughs] His murder. Can’t get his murder up. [both laugh]
Sequoia: [laughing] What a stupid joke! Continue.
Kim: And now his conscience was catching up, now of all times. “Yes, it will!” Tom replied again. “Avada…” “Here, it’s not gonna work on him.” [Sequoia laughs] “So why don’t you attack me?”
Sequoia: What?
Kim: The voice came again. He looked to see the once sleeping boy awake and staring at him with eyes that were smarter than he’d seen before in an infant.
Sequoia: What? Why is he... why is... why…?
Kim: Why is anything happening?
Sequoia: Wha… what…?
Kim: You wanna speculate wildly?
Sequoia: Okay, so Harry…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: ...is like a gen... a baby genius.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: And he is using magic.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: To… er… there’s probably a word for this. It’s a...
Kim: Inception? [chuckles]
Sequoia: Yeah, he’s incepting [Kim laughs] Voldemort. But my main qualm here is that Harry is a baby genius.
Kim: Yeah, right? Have you met Harry?
Sequoia: Have you… did you…? [laughs]
Kim: Learn a second spell! “You’re telling me I should listen to a talking baby?” [Sequoia laughs] Tom retorted, raising a non-existent brow.
Sequoia: Wait, okay, so you’re saying that you’ve read stories like this? Like, like this? Like this?
Kim: Like the general shape of the story is similar.
Sequoia: Okay, so not with… this part…
Kim: This part, no. This part is what made this story stand out to me and read it to you.
Sequoia: Excellent, excellent. Okay. Continue.
Kim: [laughs quietly, then clears her throat] “One, technically I’m not talking, and two, yes,” [Sequoia bursts out laughing] the intelligent voice came.
Sequoia: Sassy, I like it!
Kim: Harry is sassy.
Sequoia: He’s a sassy boy!
Kim: “I was the weaker born baby and was not named the Potter heir. Zak has more protection around him and is much stronger. Why, I haven’t even learned to talk yet!”
Sequoia: Zak? Is…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: So Harry, baby Harry…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Genius sassy baby Harry…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: …is telling Voldemort in his mind…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …that, um…
Kim: Don’t kill him!
Sequoia: Don’t kill him because he’s stronger?
Kim: Try to kill me!
Sequoia: He’s like, let me help you out, bro.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Okay. Fine. [laughs] Fine.
Kim: [sighs] “Why, I haven’t even learned to talk yet!” And to prove his point the baby started babbling.
Sequoia: [laughs] He’s just going googoo ga... [baby noises]
Kim: And like, looking at him significantly, like, googoo gaga?
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah. His eyebrows raised! Eh? Eh? Googoo? [both laugh] So sassy, I love it!
Kim: “You want to die?” Tom found this hard to believe. “Yeah. I’ll always be liked less, so why not go first?”
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, you will. That’s true.
Kim: [quietly] Fucking Harry. “Fine! Avada Kedavra!”
Sequoia: What?
Kim: Tom said, pointing his wand at the black haired boy.
Sequoia: What?
Kim: Harry said kill me, and Voldemort’s like, a’ight!
Sequoia: Okay. What happens now? [mumbling] Does it work?
Kim: Tom said, pointing his wand at the black haired boy, before hearing: “Fool!” [Sequoia laughs] resonate through his head. [chuckles] You fool!
Sequoia: Gaga.
Kim: You activated my trap card! [both laugh] The raven haired boy’s irises glowed an eerie emerald, and the pupils slit in a snake-like manner.
Sequoia: What the fuck is going on?!
Kim: [laughs] The spell turned in mid air without missing a beat, and hit its caster.
Sequoia: [pause] Wha…? Whaaaaaaaa…? He just turned it around?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: He... his... his eyes turned into snake eyes.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: And the spell’s like aw shit! [both laugh]
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Okay. All right. Yeah.
Kim: That’s... that is exactly what just happened.
Sequoia: Yeah, okay. Cool.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: [quietly] That’s really cool.
Kim: [deep voice] “You are a disgrace to the Slytherin name! You are not my heir, this boy here is!”
Sequoia: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! [Kim laughs] What?
Kim: The image of a long forest green haired man with pale skin, yellow eyes, and Asian features stood above his deceased last descendant.
Sequoia: [pause] Umn…
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: So Voldemort’s dead.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: And the ghost of Salazar Slytherin…
Kim: Is here.
Sequoia: ...is there.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Yelling at Voldemort’s dead body?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: That’s cool. [both laugh]
Kim: Turning to the baby, he touched his forehead, which made a lightning bolt shaped birthmark. “You will be my heir, little Potter!”
Sequoia: Wait, so was baby... was it genius baby Harry, or was baby Harry just sitting there being puppeted by the ghost of Salazar Slytherin?
Kim: Hard to say?
Sequoia: Great. [both laugh]
Kim: All right. No one noticed that night that Harold Alexander Potter…
Sequoia: [under her breath] Oh Jesus Christ, kill me…
Kim: A/N!
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: Here comes an author’s note!
Sequoia: Oh no!
Kim: We know Harry’s middle name is James, but in this James is Zak’s middle name.
Sequoia: Zak gets all the good shit. Oh man. Is he gonna kill Zak? Gonna grow up and…
Kim: You know… some stuff’s gonna happen, I guess.
Sequoia: Okay, great. Okay, excellent.
Kim: So, no one noticed that night, that Harold Alexander Potter… also, Harold.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yep. Do they just address the... A/N only addressed the middle name…
Kim: Yeah, they did.
Sequoia: ...and not the first name.
Kim: Nope. [chuckles quietly]
Sequoia: Love it.
Kim: Oh good. He ceased to exist and became Harold Alexander Merlin Constantine Gabriel [excited high-pitched noises from Sequoia in the background] Godric Slytherin. [Sequoia cries and laughs at the same time, Kim claps] Yeeees! Thank you so much! [Sequoia continues crying, Kim laughs]
Sequoia: Whaaat?
Kim: You wanna reread... [mumbles] want me to read that again?
Sequoia: Read it again! Read it again!
Kim: Harry’s new name is Harold Alexander Merlin Constantine Gabriel Godric Slytherin.
Sequoia: [laughs like she’s in pain] [after gathering herself] Why Godric?
Kim: Because…
Sequoia: [quietly] What’s happening?
Kim: Pureblooded son of Salazar Slytherin and Godric Gryffindor.
Sequoia: Oh! My! God! It! Got! Better! It got better! How? How? Where did this story come from? [breaks down with laughter] What is… I’m so… I can’t… I can’t feel my feet. [laughs] All the blood is rushing to my head.
Kim: Trying to understand what’s happening? [both laugh]
Sequoia: Then why... then Ha... so…
Kim: Pureblooded son of Salazar Slytherin and Godric Gryffindor and reincarnation of Salazar Slytherin.
Sequoia: That’s not how time works. [laughs]
Kim: Yet! He was still a Potter by birth.
Sequoia: That… is…
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: ...some…
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: [whispering] ...garbage magic. Love it.
Kim: [singing] I love it! So Gryffindor and Slytherin’s ghosts got it on and impregnated Lily with ghost stuff and also it’s Salazar Slytherin. [Sequoia makes a confused noise] And Harry’s a pureblood. So. I guess we can just sit here and think about that for a second. [Sequoia laughs] I mean, that’s the end of chapter one.
Sequoia: How could there... how does it…?
Kim: Ghost magic sex.
Sequoia: I have nothing, I can’t…
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: I still can’t feel my feet, so [struggling to speak through laughter] we’re gonna have to continue on to the next chapter.
Kim: Should I call somebody?
Sequoia: [still struggling to speak] I think I’m fine.
Kim: Good lord. Okay. Anyway, so at this point I cut the second chapter, which talks us through Harry and Zak’s fourth birthday party and kind of lays a little bit of the groundwork. But I felt like it wasn’t super necessary, so we’re gonna skip ahead to what was chapter three.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Okay. So chapter two/three. The night after the twins’ fourth birthday, Harry waited awake in bed for his mom to turn out the light. He left it on purposely so that he could talk to her. Lily came past to go to her own room, but seeing Harry’s light on, she went to shut it off. She knew that Harry occasionally fell asleep reading a book. Nothing too hard, but occasionally a chapter book.
Sequoia: Right, ‘cause he’s a genius.
Kim: Four year old who reads chapter books, it’s fine. Don’t worry too much about it.
Sequoia: Yeah. Genius.
Kim: She walked into his room. I forgot that I have to do a Lily voice. [Sequoia laughs] Gonna really undercut this. [clears her throat] Harry watched her until she got next to his bed before asking his question. “Mommy, why?” Harry’s face was full of childlike innocence and sorrow. Lily gave her eldest son a confused look. “Why what, honey?” she asked, sitting down next to him. “Why don’t you love me as much as you love Zak?”
Sequoia: Oh my god, is he gonna kill his mom? [laughs]
Kim: Right? Like… Okay, I think I’m gonna…
Sequoia: Are you my mommy?
Kim: I’m gonna pause here and talk about this. So this chapter is more typical of the... the Other Twin trope.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: The first chapter is not.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: And the funny thing is, the chapters are totally disconnected in this story. The first one builds up Harry into this insane like, whatever. Hellspawn. [Sequoia laughs] And then this chapter is just like, oh, Harry’s neglected.
Sequoia: But... but... but…
Kim: But here’s the thing. Based on what happened in the first chapter, maybe he should be! [Sequoia laughs] There’s something wrong with that boy.
Sequoia: Maybe they kinda know he’s hellspawn.
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: Okay, I buy it.
Kim: Anyway, so this chapter’s more typical of the trope. “Why don’t you love me as much as you love Zak?” Lily’s breath caught and she felt a stab of pain in her heart.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: “Why do you think that, honey?” “Well, you guys always spend all your time with Zak and I know he’s the Potter heir and Boy Who Lived,” Harry said quietly, afraid his mom might get mad at him. “But I have to borrow books and toys and the only thing that’s mine is my blankey. Why, mommy?”
Sequoia: Oh my god, that’s… okay. A) that’s fucked up.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: And b) why’s Zak the Boy Who Lived?
Kim: So that’s... that’s the trope. The trope is that Harry has a twin and then Harry defeats Voldemort as usual, usually in the normal method.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: And then mistakenly everyone attributes Zak to be the Boy Who Lived. Or the twin.
Sequoia: Ohhh.
Kim: And Harry gets neglected. That’s the usual way this story goes.
Sequoia: But… what?
Kim: I don’t know why.
Sequoia: That doesn’t make any sense.
Kim: This trope is amazing, it makes no sense and I don’t know what drives people to write it and I love it.
Sequoia: [laughs] Okay, great. So they’re really... they’re really neglecting him.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: All that is his is his blankey?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: That is so fucked up.
Kim: That’s awful.
Sequoia: Also you think you, like, have this genius child, who’s like four years old, like, [Kim laughing] reading some Tolstoy or something. And you’re like, oh, this garbage child, here’s a blanket.
Kim: But then also he’s this crazy [Sequoia laughs] thing.
Sequoia: It.
Kim: He killed Voldemort on purpose!
Sequoia: He’s got snake eyes hidden somewhere behind his real eyes. Within his real eyes.
Kim: Yeah. Everybody should... is no one... is no one seeing, or is everyone seeing the snake?
Sequoia: I don’t know. I don’t know, man.
Kim: Kinda freaked out by him. Anyway...
Sequoia: I don’t know, though. Also, if you knew that your kid was hellspawn, like, I would like, suck up to that kid. I’d be like, here’s a bunch of shit, please don’t kill me.
Kim: [quietly through laughter] Right?
Sequoia: None of this makes sense.
Kim: Awesome! “Why, mommy?” Harry finished off. By this time tears were streaming down Lily’s face. “Oh, baby boy, I’m sorry for that.” [Sequoia laughs] The voice is controlling me now!
Sequoia: [still laughing] Okay, yeah.
Kim: “I never meant to. I didn’t see that you were lonely and I got all caught up in your brother. I love you, Harry, I really do. I never meant to leave you behind.” Lily cried and rocked her son to sleep. James…
Sequoia: [in a low and menacing voice] But she dead. [both laugh]
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: Ohhhh nooo.
Kim: Messed up. James found her there shortly. Did I have a James voice? I didn’t have a James voice.
Sequoia: No, your James voice was just your voice. [Kim sighs] [laughs] Boom!
Kim: “Lily, why are you crying? What did the boy do to you?”
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: James asked quickly.
Sequoia: Well, James knows what’s up.
Kim: Right? [sighs] “No, James, my little angel did nothing wrong.”
Sequoia: Angel.
Kim: Not. Not…
Sequoia: Not an angel.
Kim: Lily looked up from her now sleeping son in her lap. “We’re the one who did wrong.” James looked taken aback. “What are you talking about, Lily?” [Sequoia laughs] I didn’t do nothing.
Sequoia: What a dick.
Kim: This is it. This is typical, Jame… of... of these stories.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: So you got the boy that lived is the wrong one.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: And then they treat Harry like crap and it’s all James’s fault.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: ‘Cause Lily’s perfect.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: Lily’s always perfect.
Sequoia: Lily’s always been perfect.
Kim: Ol’ saint Lily. Not James.
Sequoia: Rascally James.
Kim: Neglecting his son and forcing Lily to do it. These are... these are weird stories.
Sequoia: Yeah, this is strange.
Kim: And I like them.
Sequoia: I love it. [both laugh]
Kim: Lily tucked Harry back into bed and pulled James into their room. Lily turned on him after she put a silencing charm around the room.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: He’s about to get it! [Sequoia laughs] “What was Harry’s first word? When did he start walking? When did he learn his alphabet? Hell, James, when did our ELDEST son start showing he was so smart?” Lily cried desperately.
Sequoia: Do you see this Tolstoy I found in his bed? [laughs]
Kim: [Lily voice] What the fuck’s wrong with that kid?” [laughs] “How am I supposed to remember all those things? You’re better at that kind of stuff anyway!” James yelled back.
Sequoia: I’m just a dad!
Kim: I’m just a dad!
Sequoia: Dads are so dumb!
Kim: Dads don’t have to do emotional labor! That’s what you’re here for! [Sequoia laughs] Awful.
Sequoia: So… ugh.
Kim: Gross. “Zak’s first word?” Lily asked. “Mommy,” James replied. “His first step?” “Ten months.” “His alphabet?” “Just the other day.” “Has Zak started reading?” “No?”
Sequoia: ‘Cause he’s stupid!
Kim: Fucking Zak! [Sequoia laughs] Fucking four year old taking all the attention.
Sequoia: Yeah. Oh, James, James, James.
Kim: Of course, here’s the thing about this exchange. Lily is not indicating that she knows any of this stuff either.
Sequoia: For either of the kids.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: She has no idea what the hell’s going on, just, like, in general.
Kim: She’s like, James, why don’t you know this stuff? But also, [whispering] I don’t know it either. [Sequoia laughs] “Did you know that I turn out Harry’s light at night because he falls asleep reading in his bed? I found him in the library the other day, trying to find something in Hogwarts: A History!” No one reads that but nerds! [Sequoia bursts out laughing] Hermione!
Sequoia: Yeah! Hogwarts: A History.
Kim: “No.” “Did you know that Harry gave Zak a handwritten card for their birthday today and what did Harry get?” Lily paused for a second.
Sequoia: Oh my god, did they not get him anything?
Kim: “Nothing!”
Sequoia: Oh. My. God.
Kim: “Harry got absolutely nothing from anyone!” Which includes you, Lily. Lily, why are you blaming this on James?
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: You could’ve gotten Harry a birthday present.
Sequoia: They didn’t get him a… no… I…
Kim: No, he’s a garbage child.
Sequoia: Listen, so he might be hellspawn…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: ...but I feel really bad for him.
Kim: [laughing] It’s awful. It’s so good.
Sequoia: And he’s like, not even really complaining.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: He just asked why. Why?
Kim: Why is this the way it is?
Sequoia: [whispering] Because you suck.
Kim: [whispering] Because you are… learn a second spell.
Sequoia: [whispering] Secretly a snake person.
Kim: Oh, right. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Learn a second spell.
Kim: “Oh,” James’ voice was very quiet now. He didn’t know how he had missed all of this. You know what’s... might be worse, though. James missed all of this. Lily didn’t miss it and also did nothing about it.
Sequoia: Oh my god. Yeah, I like how he’s like, oh, I didn’t get…
Kim: Oh fuck.
Sequoia: ...both of my sons birthday presents.
Kim: I have two sons!
Sequoia: Oh shit.
Kim: Fuck.
Sequoia: What an idiot!
Kim: Goddamnit! “When was Harry’s first accidental magic?” “Two months old. He made a bottle appear.” “Why do you know that and nothing else?”
Sequoia: Um… ‘cause that’s some crazy shit.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Making a bottle appear.
Sequoia: That’s advanced magic.
Kim: Yeah. Well I mean he’s the son of Godric Gryffindor and Salazar Slytherin.
Sequoia: He’s the reincarnated Salazar Slytherin. If he wanted, he could speak directly into your brain!
Kim: Braaain! “It was before Voldemort! After that Zak was always so confident and Harry was so… quiet.” James got quiet for a moment, thinking things over. “Oh god, Lily, what have we done?” And that’s the end.
Sequoia: [yelling] Ummmmmm what?
Kim: The thing that was the most confusing for me about this story was that nothing that happened in the first chapter was addressed in either of the next two chapters. And the summary was like, complete three shot.
Sequoia: Complete? That’s not complete.
Kim: Yeah, you know how they can... they can mark stories complete?
Sequoia: Yeah, that’s not complete.
Kim: This story is so weird and I love it.
Sequoia: Oh my god. Yeah, I can’t believe… so he was just... Harry was just so quiet after Voldemort that they forgot he existed?
Kim: After... after he became Salazar Slytherin or whatever. He was trying to not draw attention to himself because he’s literally hellspawn.
Sequoia: Oh, so he’s just being quiet to…
Kim: Or maybe not. Hard to say. ‘Cause the thing is, it’s... the second two chapters of this are typical of this kind of story. Harry is neglected and abused and ignored. But the first chapter kind of changes the connotation of those, I feel like.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Because there’s something actually wrong with that kid. [chuckles quietly]
Sequoia: Oh my god. What. Just. Happened?
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: I really like his name though. [Kim snorts] I think it’s a great name.
Kim: Good name.
Sequoia: I like how his name changed. [Kim snorts] Wait, wait, wait. Now that I’m thinking about it…
Kim: [laughs] Will he be… no, wait.
Sequoia: No!
Kim: Did he become that? Yeah, his name changed.
Sequoia: His name changed.
Kim: So... so Salazar Slytherin declared him his heir, his name changed, and he became the child of Godric and Salazar retroactively?
Sequoia: No, he was already… no, he was already those things, I think. I’m pretty sure he was alre… Okay, this is the dumbest conversation I’ve ever had. [Kim laughs] [laughing] I’m pretty sure, in the context of this story… he was already all of those things.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: But as soon as Sal... the ghost of Salazar Slytherin proclaimed him his heir…
Kim: Ohhh, then he got the name.
Sequoia: ...his name changed.
Kim: [whispering] Yes.
Sequoia: [yelling] Why?? [both laugh]
Kim: It’s a great story.
Sequoia: So at this point we’re gonna do something new. And we just started talking about this the other day.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Summaries. For stories.
Kim: The summaries are pretty much… I mean, that’s usually how I decide to read a story.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: The summary catches my eye by being particularly something.
Sequoia: Ss… whatever. Yeah.
Kim: So, yeah.
Sequoia: And we were like, why don’t we... why don’t we read those?
Kim: They’re good.
Sequoia: On the podcast, they’re so good. We obviously can’t read them before the story…
Kim: So here it comes.
Sequoia: ...because it would spoil the story, so here we go. This is our new segment. Er, it’s called [stumbling] Sum-maries. [both laugh]
Kim: That means you have to say it like that every time.
Sequoia: All right.
Kim: Put it on the soundboard.
Sequoia: Okay, soundboard.
Kim: Sure. Okay, so the summary for that story. Harry has a twin brother told to be the Boy Who Lived. Harry ponders on how his parents treat him different and how they seem to only show love for his brother. So one night Harry asks the crucial question: Mommy, why? Three shot. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: That’s really good and I like how it does not allude to any of the crazy shit.
Kim: Any of the good stuff. Yeah, I still clicked on it. I dunno why.
Sequoia: It doesn’t even say... ‘cause a lot of ‘em will say something like, but he has a secret. You know.
Kim: A secret.
Sequoia: Yeah, or something like that. It doesn’t like... no allusion at all.
Kim: Yeah yeah. Nooo. Nice.
Sequoia: That’s funny. I love it. I love the summary of this story.
Kim: Cool. Yeah, it was good. Yeah, I’m excited for that new segment.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: Nice. So the next thing we do is something we’ve always done and that’s my rec-o-mmendation.
Sequoia: Re-re-re-commendation.
Kim: So… Jesus fucking Christ. [Sequoia laughs] Fine. Today I’m gonna be reccing a story called Desk Duty. This story is awesome. It’s about Madam Pince standing up to Umbridge. This story’s great. And you need to read it.
Sequoia: Awesome! Oh yeah, I’m a hundred percent in for that!
Kim: This story is so good.
Sequoia: Sweet.
Kim: I’ve been sitting on it for a while and I shouldn’t have been because it’s so good.
Sequoia: Awesome, yeah, definitely read that. Check that out, that link will be in the episode description.
Kim: Yes, it will. Oh, and then we have another segment that we need to do today.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: [singing] Another seeegmeeent!
Sequoia: [joins the singing] Segment! We’re really... we’re not... we haven’t really... we haven’t really gotten this segment thing under control. [Kim snorts, Sequoia laughs] I don’t know if you could tell, but…
Kim: [singing] Here comes another one! This one’s called…
Both: [singing] Corrections!
Sequoia: We can only do that ‘cause we just do THAT all the time. [Kim laughs] Okay.
Kim: Yep. So, Marcella tweeted at us.
Sequoia: We were wrong. In episode sixteen, we read a story…
Kim: I made a big fuss about it too, like I always do.
Sequoia: Yeah. About Hermione’s middle name.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: And apparently we.... ‘cause it... by the end of the series her middle name is Jean.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: But apparently it did start out as Jane.
Kim: Outside... so, outside of the book series before, like, it had been mentioned. So in the books it’s mentioned as Jean but that’s late in the series. Early in the series JK probably said in some interview or something...
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: ...that it was Jane. So…
Sequoia: And then it did change, so…
Kim: Yeah, at the time that fic was written, that was correct.
Sequoia: It was.
Kim: And I apologize to the author.
Sequoia: Yep. So that’s our…
Both: [singing] Corrections!
Sequoia: [laughing quietly] God. We shouldn’t be allowed to have a podcast.
Both: [quietly] Oh, no.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: So thanks for listening to our weirdness today.
Kim: Yeah! This was an interesting one.
Sequoia: We hope you enjoyed it. If you wanted to contact us, you wanna tell us what your predictions were.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: That’s… you wanna draw them.
Kim: You wanna talk about Harry’s name...
Sequoia: You wanna draw them and take a picture and…
Kim: ...with us.
Sequoia: Yeah, you wanna talk about Harry’s AWESOME NEW NAME! Canon!
Kim: It’s our podcast canon.
Sequoia: Podcast canon! We’re gonna… we should start writing down our podcast canon somewhere.
Kim: Um… yes!
Sequoia: If you want to contact us, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, we got ‘em all!
Kim: We do.
Sequoia: @FanaticalFics.
Kim: You wanna send us something a little longer, some… fanmail or just like questions or anything you have for us?
Sequoia: Anything. Anything.
Kim: Anything a little longer, we also have an email, it’s fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Sequoia: If you read a lot of Harry Potter fanfiction, which I hope that you do, because it’s wonderful, amazing.
Kim: It’s so good.
Sequoia: You can recommend stories for us to read. They may not get read on the podcast but we will read them.
Kim: I got one recently that is unfortunately outside of our date restriction but it’s great. Thank you whoever sent that to me.
Sequoia: Yeah, thanks for… we’ve gotten two stories submitted to us through our story submission form, which is in the episode description, so you are welcome to use that and send us some stuff!
Kim: Some whatever. You can direct it towards one of us if you like, or not. One of us will look at it, both of us will look at it.
Sequoia: That would be great.
Kim: We will read it on the podcast maybe.
Sequoia: Maybe. If you wanna support this podcast, there are a few ways you can do that.
Kim: One of the big ones, like we said at the top of the episode, drop us a review on iTunes. We wanna hear ‘em.
Sequoia: We appreciate that.
Kim: They’re great. We’ll shout out at the beginning of the episode to anyone who does.
Sequoia: Yep. You can also support us on patreon.com.
Kim: Heck yes, you can! We’ve got bonus content on there.
Sequoia: Oh yeah, we’ve got stories, we’ve got bonus episodes.
Kim: Yup. You wanna talk about stories, Sequoia?
Sequoia: Let’s talk about stories. So one of the running jokes of the podcast so far has been that I keep saying I’m gonna write something and I never do. I started writing something, you guys!
Kim: Started is not the same as…
Sequoia: Well, it’s better than before! But I do have a deadline to finish it and that will go up on Patreon once it’s done. It is the continuation of…
Kim: So excited.
Sequoia: Capture the Uncapturable. [Kim chuckles] And I am so stoked, I love it.
Kim: I can’t wait to read that.
Sequoia: I fucking love it.
Kim: I’m also writing another one, so, part way through that. That’ll go up at some point too. But it’s not exciting that I’m doing something [Sequoia laughs] ‘cause I’ve already released a couple.
Sequoia: We’re doing a great job.
Kim: But yeah, so if you want access to that, we also have some fun swag. Patreon.
Sequoia: Patreon. Patreon.com. Yeah.
Kim: Link is in the episode description.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: And speaking of Patreon, we’re gonna be starting something new today. So one of the tiers of support on our Patreon comes with honorary thanks after six months of continuous support. And that honorary thanks is gonna be taking the form of either short story summaries, like what you would find on a fanfiction website, or in one of our lovely character voices. So, I’m gonna be... we’re gonna be doing a couple of these right now and I’m gonna be turning it over to Sequoia to start us off.
Sequoia: It’s yet another year at Hogwarts and a new transfer student, Harrison, is turning heads. But who’s that? That girl with that wavy hair? And why does she keep staring at him? Her name is Bellatrix Lestrange. A/N: OMG, I love Bellatrix!!
Kim: [deep voice] Look, Moony, don’t be mad at me just because you saw me out on the town with some fine ladies. Katie and Marissa were just helping me buy a present for… uhh… no one. Anyway, stop pouting. Kim Chang is gonna be luring Lily into the bar here soon and my plan to get James a date won’t work if you’re scowling like that. Wait, no, don’t look in my bag! Those love cups are for a prank! They belong to James! I didn’t know what they were for!
Sequoia: [laughs] Thank you so much for listening, and thank you so much for supporting us. Thank you so much for continuing to listen to this episode. Like, if you’re still listening to this episode right now, like, ROCK ON! And of course, for our theme song, thank you to the Whomping Willows. It’s their amazing song Wolfstar.
Kim: Bye!
Sequoia: [yelling] BYE! [Kim laughs]