Episode 18: Society for Nutters Obsessed with Ginny (feat. Anna Brisbin AKA Brizzy Voices)
We absolutely loved having Anna join us to talk about Harry Potter and experience a good SNOG with us! I mean… not like that!
Recommendation: Nauseous Romance
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/1468596/1/Nauseous-Romance
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Sean
Checker: Skylar
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like a link to the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Sequoia: [quietly] Okay.
Kim: Yeah, okay. And we’re back.
Sequoia: And we’re back.
Kim: Aaand we’re back. Droppin’ more sick [with vocal fry] beatssssss. [pause] Is that a plane captain, or...? [both laugh]
Sequoia: Okay. Anyway.
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, this is Sequoia Simone!
Kim: And this is Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It’s our podcast about Harry Potter fanfiction.
Sequoia: And today, we have another special gueeeest!
Kim: Gueeeest!
Sequoia: Yay! Today, we have on Anna Brisbin, AKA Brizzy Voices. Hi, Brizzy!
Brizzy: [Russian accent] Hello! How’s it goin’?
Sequoia: Great! We’re so happy to have you here.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: I was like, we’re lookin’ for people who are comfortable in front of a microphone [Kim chuckles] and really love Harry Potter. [all laugh] So naturally you came to mind, because you are such a, like, fabulous voice actress and impressionist. So, Anna has a YouTube channel…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …and a Facebook page where you can follow her, and we will definitely be linking those things in the description. They should definitely check her out. And you’re a really big Harry Potter fan.
Anna: Oh yes, it’s my number one. [all laugh] Number one.
Kim: I don’t know anything about being a big Harry Potter fan.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah.
Kim: What’s that like?
Sequoia: I hate Harry Potter [all laugh]
Anna: Yeah, I… if… I don’t have any tattoos, but if I ever got one, it would be Harry Potter. That’s all I know. [laughs]
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Absolutely, yeah. I have the chapter stars on my back.
Anna: I’ve thought about that. I’ve strongly considered the chapter stars. Next... I’ve... I’ve thought... I have a... a long line scar on my collarbone from when I broke it playing Quidditch, with you... and... [all laugh] and I’ve thought about getting the stars at the end of the line so it kinda looks like a wand, with like, [in a childish voice] stars coming out.
Kim: That sounds awesome.
Sequoia: Oh! Oh, yeah! That’s awesome! That’s a great idea. We have a couple questions.
Kim: We do.
Sequoia: A couple guest questions.
Kim: We do.
Anna: Oh, yes!
Kim: Just to get to know you, you know.
Anna: Interrogation time. [all laugh]
Sequoia: We… we start out simple.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Start out easy.
Kim: Yeah, easy. Easy peasy.
Sequoia: What is your Harry Potter Hogwarts house?
Anna: Super, very, super, very, very much Ravenclaw.
Kim: Ooooh, nice!
Sequoia: [laughing] Super very Ravenclaw!
Kim: Today I’m not the only one.
Anna: Yes. [laughs]
Kim: Cool. Cool, cool. That’s good.
Sequoia: Yeah. And now all we need is a Hufflepuff now, ‘cause we’ve had a Slytherin and a Gryffindor.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Now a Ravenclaw.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And now all we need is a Hufflepuff.
Kim: You know, where are we gonna find one? There are no Hufflepuffs. They don’t exist, according to fanfiction. [Sequoia laughs]
Anna: The Hufflepuffs are the only ones who can find them. [all laugh]
Sequoia: Yeeees.
Kim: Ohhh yes.
Sequoia: Fanfiction is often very romantically based, right?
Anna: Yes. Yes.
Sequoia: So we always...
Kim: Most of it’s shipping.
Sequoia: A lot of it is shipping. So, we always need to know from our guests, what is your [dramatically] one true pairing?
Anna: Oh! Oh! One big happy Weasley family, but more specifically Ron and Hermione.
Kim: Oh, that’s such... such a classic.
Sequoia: Yes! [sing-song voice] That is my one true pairing. [all laugh]
Kim: Yeah, it’s classic. It’s an oldie but a goodie.
Anna: Yes. Yes. Yes.
Kim: For sure.
Sequoia: Mhm. [sighs] I love it. I could read Ron and Hermione fanfiction all day.
Anna: Yeah, yeah. Dude. Remember when Half Blood Prince came out and it was finally, like, [dramatically] confirmed? And it was, like, suck it! [all laugh]
Sequoia: Like, take that, all you Harry/Hermione shippers!
Kim: We still haven’t done a Harry/Hermione story, have we?
Sequoia: No, because I [emphatically] hate them! [all laugh]
Kim: But it’s such a huge chunk of fanfiction that we are just skipping over... like dicks. [laughs]
Sequoia: Exactly. I mean, we’ll have to do it eventually, but I’m just like, listen, Ron and Hermione are so one hundred percent perfect and wonderful, that like... [Kim snorts and laughs] there’s no… there’s no room for Harry in that. In that.
Kim: There’s no room for Harry in anything! Harry sucks! [all laugh]
Anna: Yes. [all sigh]
Sequoia: So along that same line of questioning, we here at the podcast are, like, a little bit obsessed with Draco.
Kim: Specifically fanfiction Draco. [all laugh] In his leather pants, and...
Sequoia: In his…
Anna: Oh. Yes.
Kim: …whatever else he’s doing that day.
Sequoia: Yeah. Because Draco is just written off the wall crazy like ninety five percent of the time.
Kim: Every time.
Kim: Yeah
Sequoia: And we love it. So what we wanna know is what your Draco true pairing is.
Anna: Uh… is Drapple an option? [all laugh]
Kim: Yes! Oh my gosh. Thank you. [Sequoia laughs] When I found out about that, I was so mad that no one had told me. [Anna and Sequoia laugh] I found out pretty late in the game, and I was like, why did I not know about this? Draco/apples forever.
Anna: For life. Yeah, I mean, boringly, I think it would just be Astoria Greengrass. I like... I like the people they actually end up with. The people they’re meant to be with.
Kim: Nice!
Anna: And she was... she was obviously a really amazing person.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah.
Anna: So, like, I feel like she brought out a lot of good in him, and helped balance him from like his shoddy upbringing.
Kim: So on this podcast we use fanfictions written before book seven came out, so we haven’t like...
Anna: Oh! I haven’t really delved into any of that stuff. But I bet the Astoria stuff is amazing.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Anna: Yeah, that sounds really interesting.
Kim: Because she’s like, not a character in the books, so I bet there’s some really kick ass characterization of her out there.
Sequoia: Yeah, there’s some really good Astoria fanfiction.
Kim: Yeah? Yeah?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Got some links for me?
Sequoia: I don’t, but I could... [in a silly voice] I could find some. [Kim laughs] Excellent. That’s a great answer.
Kim: Awesome. Yes.
Sequoia: And then, as we go into this reading of this fanfiction that I have found for you [Kim snorts] today…
Anna: Oh dear.
Sequoia: …we wanna know, like what is your experience with fanfiction, if any? Or like your perceptions of fanfiction?
Kim: Yeah.
Anna: It’s definitely not too deep. I think it’s just like a very surface level, but informed understanding, like I’m very well aware of My Immortal. Read a good bit of it, but didn’t finish it.
Kim: Classic.
Anna: I never, like, fell into actually personally loving it myself for my own enjoyment. It’s just like whenever something funny came up, I’d be like, oh, that’s funny, but I… I don’t think I’ve ever read a full thing. I tried… I think there was an audiobook of whatever the fanfic was of the Harry Potter series if Harry was a Ravenclaw. And that was very interesting. What was it called? It was, like, something very analytical or scientific or smart sounding.
Kim: Oh, yeah!
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Potter and the Methods of Rationality?
Sequoia: Yes!
Anna: Yes!
Kim: That’s the one
Anna: That was it! And I was… I was all about that, but then I fell off. Forgot to finish it. But I was like, yes, Ravenclaw brain loves this. [all laugh] Because Harry’s so stupid. This would be great. [all continue laughing]
Sequoia: [enthusiastically] Yes!
Kim: Oh my god, we throw so much shade at Harry constantly. [Anna laughs]
Sequoia: It’s so fun.
Kim: He deserves it. [all laugh]
Anna: Yeah, I mean I’ve… I’ve glimpsed through some of the fanfics of myself that exist, and those are always interesting.
Kim: There’s fanfiction of you?
Anna: Uh huh.
Kim: Oh my gosh.
Sequoia: Oooooohhhh! And you’ve looked at it.
Anna: Yeah. Oh yeah.
Kim: That’s brave.
Sequoia: You are so brave.
Kim: That’s brave.
Anna: Yeah, I’m brave. [all laugh] But it’s hard ‘cause it’s so often… I’m like, that’s not true! Or, I wouldn’t do that, or, like... [all laugh] ‘cause they, like, fill in gaps of things that they don’t know. I’m like, that’s not right!
Kim: My favorite color is blah now.
Anna: Yeah, yeah, exactly. That sort of thing. [Sequoia and Kim laugh]
Kim: Oh, wow.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: That’s intense.
Sequoia: That’s a... that’s a very close relationship to fanfiction. [Anna laughs]
Kim: I would say about as close as you can get.
Sequoia: All right. Okay. So I guess that we will jump into this fanfiction experience.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: We’ll start out with predictions. And, I... this is, like... the… the title of this story, you guys. You guys.
Kim: What do you have? What did you find? Dude.
Anna: Oh dear.
Sequoia: Okay. So. I’m gonna need three predictions from both of you, and listeners, you need to do it too, and…
Kim: You as well. We love hearing your predictions. Please send them to us.
Sequoia: [mock crying] You just… please tweet at us.
Kim: Stop crying. It’s too early to be crying today. [Sequoia and Anna laugh]
Sequoia: Is it, though?
Kim: I don’t know.
Sequoia: It’s never too early to be crying. What?
Kim: Last time we started crying the instant I read the title. [all laugh] Oh, gosh.
Sequoia: Okay. This title’s good, but not as good as last episode.
Kim: [groaning] Great.
Sequoia: But this title’s still good. Okay, so, three predictions from both of you, for Society for Nutters Obsessed with Ginny. [Kim snorts]
Anna: Oh!
Sequoia: It is… [laughs] it is a humor/romance story.
Kim: Oh my gosh. Okay. Well, it’s got the humor tag first, which means that maybe this one will actually be funny.
Sequoia: I... yeah. [all laugh]
Kim: You know. Okay. Three predictions.
Anna: Okay. first thing I wanna say...? Like, my first idea for what I want this to be is that it heavily involves Fred and George making fun of the idea of how… how many guys are interested in Ginny.
Kim: Nice! Oh, that’s good. That’s good.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah. That’s a great one.
Anna: Second would be that it is towards the latter end of the series. So Ginny’s in her, like, fifth or sixth year. Or, like, fourth or fifth, right? Since Harry wasn’t there for his seventh year. Um… and third… man, I don’t have a third one! Um… that um… that uh… Ginny, at some point, calls someone a git.
Sequoia: Those were solid predictions. [Anna laughs]
Kim: Those were very good. All right, all right, let me… let me… let me… let me… uh, uh, here come some hot takes. [Anna and Sequoia laugh] Ginny/Colin Creevey!
Sequoia: Oh, damn! [laughs]
Anna: Oh, wow.
Kim: [laughing] Here it comes. An obsessive fan? Screams Colin Creevey to me. [Anna laughs] I’m gonna guess, uh... [slowly] they make t-shirts for this fan club?
Sequoia: [snorts] Okay. Okay.
Kim: And... I am going to guess Harry’s not in it. [Anna laughs]
Sequoia: All right!
Kim: At all. No Harry.
Sequoia: Bold!
Kim: That’s… those are my three predictions.
Anna: I mean, I just realized that mine is totally inconsistent, because Fred and George left when Harry was in his fifth year. [all laugh]
Kim: You know…
Anna: And this doesn’t make any sense. But maybe she was in her fourth year? I don’t know, she… had she… she hadn’t blossomed yet, then. I don’t know, whatever. I made my predictions, it’s too late. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Fanfiction generally doesn’t care too much about how old people are, or where a person is at a particular time.
Anna: You know…
Kim: Those are details that aren’t important.
Anna: [laughing] Basic logistics of life.
Kim: [sighs] All right. Let me at it.
Sequoia: Okay. Oh my goodness. I’m so excited for you guys. [Kim laughs] And what you’re about… the… what you’re about to experience.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: [sighs] Society for Nutters Obsessed with Ginny.
Kim: It’s me. No, it’s not.
Sequoia: [laughing] No, it’s not you.
Anna: Population, Kim.
Kim: It’s not true, even a little bit.
Sequoia: It’s a club that’s just you. [all laugh]
Kim: I’m obsessed with how inconsistent Ginny is.
Sequoia: Yeah. It’s fine.
Kim: Whatever.
Sequoia: Okay, here we go. “Uh, welcome, everyone.” Harry’s voice rang through the…
Kim: Damn it!
Anna: Oh, yep! Yep! that’s it! That’s it! [all laughing] Wrong!
Kim: Ugh, man.
Sequoia: My favorite thing ever is when a prediction is wrong in the [emphatically] first sentence.
Kim: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. [all laugh] Anyway.
Sequoia: Okay, so. [clears throat]
Kim: [quietly] That’ll teach me to predict things.
Sequoia: [laughs] “Welcome, everyone,” Harry’s voice rang through the enlarged Room of Requirement.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: “To the first meeting of the Society for Nutters Obsessed with Ginny.”
Kim: Is Harry the club president?
Sequoia: Yeah!
Anna: That’s what it sounds like. [all laugh]
Kim: But did he also… I hope established the club, is the president, and is the only member.
Sequoia: [laughing] Harry’s talking to a roomful of no one?
Kim: He’s got some cardboard cut outs.
Anna: Well, it’s, you know, it’s all these mirrors in the Room of Requirement, so he feels like he’s got more people. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Cardboard cut outs of Ginny in different hats. [all laugh]
Anna: Those… those… those dummies that they practiced against.
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh, yeah! The dummies.
Kim: [sighs] Good.
Sequoia: He’s named all of them. Okay. [all laugh] Okay. “Or,” said Colin Creevey, [Anna gasps] stepping in front of Harry, “As I like to call it, SNOG.”
Kim: Oh my gosh, that is the acronym, isn’t it?
Anna: Oh! I’m… I’m so dumb. I feel really mad at myself, that I haven’t… I didn’t figure it out. I’m so mad. It’s so clear. It’s so obvious.
Kim: [sighs] That’s good. It’s so good.
Sequoia: It’s right there in front of you. It’s written out.
Kim: It really is. It is.
Sequoia: Written there in front of you.
Kim: It’s spelled out pretty… pretty…
Anna: It’s right there.
Sequoia: It’s just… literally spelled out.
Kim: [laughing] Colin’s there. I’m feeling… I’m feeling… I’m feeling hopeful.
Sequoia: Yeah, Colin is there! He calls it SNOG. There was a bit of laughter at that. “Yes.”
Kim: Uh huh. Was it just Colin laughing at his own joke? [all laugh] It’s a bit… heeheeheehee.
Sequoia: Colin, and all the reflections of Harry, and all the dummies that they’ve named, they’re all laughing.
Kim: Ooookay. Fine.
Sequoia: The cardboard cut outs of Ginny. “Yes, uh, well,” said Harry. “The preferred abbreviation in my mind would be [pronounces each letter separately] S.N.O.G.”
Sequoia: That’s the same thing, Harry.
Kim: Same thing, Harry.
Sequoia: It’s the same.
Kim: Why are you so stupid all the time? [all laugh]
Sequoia: He’s like, I’m uncomfortable that you just said snog…
Kim: Talking about Ginny.
Sequoia: …talking about Ginny.
Kim: ’Cause I’m the only one that’s allowed to look at her, ever.
Anna: Even though I started this society. [all laugh]
Sequoia: Even though I started a society that clearly spells SNOG. Like, please, with me right now, Harry. [groans]
Kim: I love the idea that wizards are bad at making acronyms. Because Hermione’s bad at it.
Anna: MACUSA.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah!
Sequoia: [groaning] MACUSA.
Kim: Wizards are bad at acronyms.
Sequoia: So bad.
Kim: Canon.
Sequoia: Canon. “Right,” said Colin, shoving Harry out of the way and speaking to the room at large. [laughs] Colin’s like, yeah, whatever Harry. Get out of my way!
Anna: Okay, Colin. No one cares what you think.
Kim: [sad, far off voice] I’m the chosen one!
Sequoia: But I’m the chosen one!
Kim: Colin!
Sequoia: Ahhh! [pause] “We all have come here today for a common purpose. To help each other in dealing with our obsession with the youngest Weasley, Ginny.”
Kim: What?!
Anna: That’s the creepiest way to word it.
Sequoia: It’s like Alcoholics Anonymous!
Kim: This is so not okay! I am uncomfortable. [all laugh]
Sequoia: Just havin’ a little AA meeting [Kim groans] over here. They’re… they’re there to help each other.
Kim: I hope… I hope Ginny curses all of them.
Sequoia: Bat bogey hex! Whole room!
Anna: Yes. Yes!
Kim: Here come the bogies!
Sequoia: “I would like to start by saying, I do not blame a single one of you for your condition.” [All laugh]
Kim: ‘Cause Ginny’s so HOT.
Sequoia: He’s like, I understand. I’m here. I’m Colin. I’m here at the meeting. I understand.
Kim: We can’t stop looking at Ginny. You know… you know how there’s always stories about Hermione, like, leaving for the summer and coming back hot?
Sequoia: Mhm. [Anna laughs]
Kim: There aren’t that many stories about Ginny. Ginny’s just always hot.
Sequoia: Yeah! she was…
Kim: She doesn’t have to, like, go to America to get hot.
Sequoia: Exactly! Like, she reached a certain age, and then everyone was like, ohhh…
Anna: Well, yeah, she just went through puberty, and suddenly…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And suddenly…
Kim: But Hermione needs help. [all laugh] Girrrrlll!
Anna: She needs a spell to shrink her teeth.
Sequoia: Exactly! Oh no!
Kim: Ginny’s just always hot.
Sequoia: Oh, Ginny.
Kim: Do you think her name’s Virginia this time? [Anna laughs]
Sequoia: No, but I definitely, like, this morning read a story called Virginia’s Secret, where she owns a lingerie store called Virginia’s Secret. I kid you not.
Kim and Anna: No!
Anna: It’s so basic!
Kim: Why are… whaz… I wanna read that! It sounds hilarious!
Anna: You could... come on... Google.
Sequoia: [sighs] I love it. Anyway. “I do not blame a single one of you for your condition. We all have it, each and every one of us. That’s why we’re here. To help each other.” Good old Colin. [Anna groans] “Okay,” said Harry, coming back to where he had been standing. “As I was saying, before that RUDE interruption…”
Anna: Oh, wow! Dang!
Sequoia: I am the chosen one!
Kim: Out of my way! Let me show you the one spell I know! [all laugh]
Sequoia: Expelliarmus, bitches! “Welcome to S.N.O.G.” Clearly not SNOG. I’t’s S.N.O.G.
Kim: [sarcastically] Uh huh.
Sequoia: “Let’s take attendance.”
Kim: I hope it’s everyone that gets shipped with Ginny frequently. I REALLY hope Draco’s there.
Anna: Neville. Neville’s gotta be there.
Kim: Neville, Draco, Hermione. [all laugh] Luna.
Sequoia: Hermione all the ti… Luna all the time!
Kim: Every time.
Sequoia: Every time. “Boot, Terry?”
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: “Here.”
Kim: Did they… no, she dated Michael Corner, didn’t she?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Anna: Yes.
Kim: Not Terry.
Sequoia: Not Terry.
Kim: Poor Terry. Terry Boot.
Sequoia: [sighing] Who is Terry, even?
Kim: He’s got a dumb name!
Anna: He’s not dumb! He’s Ravenclaw! [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: I was about to say, isn’t he a Ravenclaw?
Kim: Yeah. He’s one of those… there’s, like, three Ravenclaw boys that all hang out together.
Anna: Yeah.
Sequoia: [sighs] Okay. Terry Boot is there.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Okay. Just a recap…
Kim: Right
Anna: Great.
Sequoia: …of roll call so far. Terry Boot’s there.
Kim: Oh, right, right, right. Are they gonna do it alphabetically? Who’s next?
Sequoia: Yeah. Who’s next? “Colin Creevey?” “Here!”
Kim: We already know he’s there. Boring.
Sequoia: “Dennis Creevey?” [high-pitched voice] “Here!” [Kim snorts]
Anna: Oh, boy!
Sequoia: Did you like my Dennis Creevey voice?
Kim: You did a voice!
Sequoia: I did! I never do a voice.
Kim: Are you feeling inspired today?
Sequoia: [laughing] I am! “Finch-Fletchley, Justin?”
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: “Here.” Justin Finch-Fletchley’s there, obviously.
Kim: Justin’s my boy! [all laugh]
Sequoia: Okay, sure.
Kim: Justin/Ernie forever. [all laugh] No. I ju… I’ve never… seen any of that. But it’s there.
Sequoia: I’m sure we could find it! It’s gotta be there.
Kim: Okay. I can’t stay on… I need to stay on target.
Sequoia: Harry looked at the parchment in his hands, and back up, uncertainly. His eyes were wide.
Kim: Okay, Harry, you can see who’s in the room with you! [Anna laughs] Why are you surprised? Unless it’s such a huge gathering that you can’t tell who’s there?! Is every male in Hogwarts in this room right now? Because, ew.
Sequoia: I mean, we’re doing roll call for, like, a hot second more than this. So, there’s… like, there’s some…
Kim: Okay, I need to just, like, cool it?
Sequoia: Roll call is a… a portion of this story.
Kim: All right. All right. Is it the whole story?
Sequoia: [laughing] No, it’s not the whole story. Okay, but he’s…
Kim: As long as Snape’s not there. I’ll vomit.
Anna: [laughs] Yeah.
Sequoia: No. I wouldn’t do that to you!
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: So Harry’s like, oh, this… this name I’m about to read. “Uh, Goyle, Gregory?”
Kim: Yeees! Greg! Greg’s there!
Sequoia: My boy Greg!
Kim: Doing his… his little best! I think about Greg a lot. [Anna and Sequoia laugh]
Anna: Greg.
Kim: I wonder what his ambitions are in life, because he’s gotta have some!
Sequoia: Yeah, uhhh… I don’t know, his…
Kim: I think it’s to be as big as the sun.
Sequoia: [laughs] I think it’s to marry Draco Malfoy.
Kim: Greg wants to get huge.
Anna and Sequoia: Get swole? [both laugh]
Kim: It’s his one goal in life.
Sequoia: [sighs] I love it. So, everyone has said, “here” so far, right?
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: So, he calls Gregory Goyle. A loud grunt was the response. [Anna snorts]
Kim: Aww, he doesn’t even get lines in this story?
Sequoia: No, he didn’t say anything!
Kim: He never gets to say anything.
Sequoia: He was just like, hunghhh! I’m here. [grunts again] [all sigh] And Harry continued on. “Hooper, Geoffrey?” Do we know who Geoffrey Hooper is?
Kim: I don’t think that’s a person.
Anna: What the heck?
Sequoia: I think they made that up for this story. But it’s the ONLY one that’s made up.
Kim: ‘Kay. That’s weird. Do you think that’s them?
Anna: Yeah. Right? [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Just insert yourself into the story. But, just like, one line.
Sequoia: Just barely.
Kim: I like it.
Anna: Oh! Oh, wait! I found Geoffrey Hooper! [Kim and Sequoia gasp] “Geoffrey Hooper is a student who attended Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and ended up in Gryffindor house. He tried for the Gryffindor keeper position in ’95 and he performed better during his trial than Ron…” and Angelina Johnson. Oh, “But Angelina Johnson thought that Geoffrey was a whiner and complainer, so Ron was selected.”
Kim and Sequoia: Oooohhh!
Kim: Nice.
Anna: We are fake fans.
Kim: We just got told!
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: It’s been so long since I read book five. [sighs]
Sequoia: I know. Oh no. I’m gonna write a story about Geoffrey Hooper now!
Kim: He’s a whiner!
Anna: Yes!
Sequoia: Such a whiner!
Kim: Gosh.
Sequoia: “Longbottom, Neville?” “Here!”
Kim: Oh, poor Neville.
Sequoia: Poor Neville. He’s there. He’s there.
Kim: He’s present.
Sequoia: Once again, Harry’s eyes widened in disbelief. [all chuckle]
Kim: Who’s after Longbottom?
Sequoia: “Malfoy, Draco?”
Kim: Yeeeeeeeesss! Yes!
Anna: I mean, who wrote this list? Did Harry not write this list?
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Harry has never seen this list before in his life and did not look at who was in the room.
Sequoia: How did the list come to be? Did they sign in as they walked in?
Kim: May… but then why would he have to take roll? [all laugh]
Sequoia: It was like a pre-sign up. There was a sign up form just, like, in the Great Hall.
Anna: In alphabetical order.
Sequoia: Please list, in alphabetical order…
Kim: Oh, yes. I’m so glad that Draco is there. Yes. Draco does need help. Somebody help that boy.
Sequoia: [laughs] “Malfoy, Draco?” “Here, Potter.” [Kim and Anna snort with laughter] He’s like, su… just has to be an asshole. Just because he’s existing there. “MacMillan, Ernie?” Harry continued. “Here!” “Harry...”
Kim: Uh huh. It’s just every guy.
Sequoia: It’s every guy. “Potter, Harry?” He looked around the room, seeing no one. “Potter, Harry?”
Kim: No. No!
Sequoia: He questioned again.
Kim: No!
Anna: What?
Sequoia: “Uh, Harry?” said Colin slowly.
Kim: He’s more nervous than at any of the DA meetings he’s ever led.
Anna: [laughing] Yeah.
Kim: Just can’t keep it together.
Sequoia: He’s like, where the hell is Harry Potter? He signed up on the sign up form! [all laugh] Colin’s like, dude! C’mon!
Kim: Can’t keep it together. Just thinking about Ginny.
Sequoia: “Uh, Harry?” said Colin slowly. “Oh! Right! That’s me.” [all laugh]
Anna: Jesus Christ.
Sequoia: Harry! Dude!
Kim: Yes. The chosen one.
Anna: Accurate Gryffindor. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: And so it went, right down to “Zabini, Blaise,” who seemed to be invisible and only responded with an odd-sounding grunt.
Anna: They skipped over the Ws.
Kim: Yeah, suspicious.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Anna: I need to know. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: [laughing] I need to know.
Kim: Man.
Sequoia: “Quite a turn out,” Colin mused, gazing out over the room. [Anna and Kim laugh] I bet Colin put the whole thing together.
Kim: Yeah, that’s what it seems like.
Sequoia: He’s very proud.
Kim: He… y… h… yeah. He worked really hard on this.
Sequoia: Gaze out upon my…
Kim: I really hope… t-shirts. Hoping for t-shirts still.
Anna: Yeah.
Sequoia: If they don’t make t-shirts, we’re making ‘em.
Kim: Okay. Okay. That sounds awesome.
Sequoia: Ooh. “Well, once again, I would like to say welcome to you all,” said Harry. “Our first meeting, we have a special guest, the only known wizard who has supposedly got over Ginny Weasley. I’d like you all to welcome, Michael Corner.”
Kim: Michael Corner! Nice to see ya!
Anna: Oh my god!
Sequoia: Everyone does a nice little golf clap.
Kim: Uh huh. Uh huh.
Anna: How did you do it? Tell us your secrets, Michael! [Kim and Sequoia laugh] What does she smell like? [all laugh]
Sequoia: They just derail his entire speech, just like asking him…
Kim: Oh, for sure.
Sequoia: [laughing] …what does she smell like?
Kim: Can I... can I kiss you ‘cause you kissed her? [Sequoia laughs]
Anna: Oh my god!
Sequoia: They need help! [laughs]
Kim: Clearly! They’re… trying.
Sequoia: They’re trying. Harry stepped aside and let Michael stand in his place.
Kim: Wait, wait, wait. I just realized something. Greg’s there, but Vince isn’t.
Anna: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah. He doesn’t like redheads.
Anna: Is he dead?
Sequoia: [laughing] Is he dead?!
Kim: Every other guy at Hogwarts is there.
Sequoia: I don’t know, maybe he… maybe he’s just… he just doesn’t wanna admit how he feels about Ginny.
Kim: He’s… he’s keeping it inside?
Sequoia: Because clearly every single boy who is not related to her is obsessed with her.
Kim: We don’t know that every… tha… that…
Sequoia: That’s true, they skipped the Ws.
Anna: Yeah, he’s busy at the Society for Nutters Obsessed with Draco meeting. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: That’s where we would be. Let’s be real.
Sequoia: Let’s be real.
Anna: With all the girls.
Kim: We each have our…
Sequoia: SNOD?
Kim: Did you just say SNOD?
Anna: SNOD.
Sequoia: Yeah, it’s SNOD.
Kim: SNOD.
Anna: SNOD.
Sequoia: I’d be at that meeting.
Kim: [sighs] There are Draco Malfoy body pillows. [All laugh]
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah! Oh, no. Now I’m upset.
Kim: It says, my father will hear about this, when you squeeze it. [Sequoia laughs]
Anna: Oh my God. [all laugh]
Sequoia: [weakly] My father…
Kim: Or whatever!
Sequoia: [sighs] Good. Okay. Now that we’ve had that tangent. Harry stepped aside and let Michael stand in his place. “Thank you, Harry. Hem hem. All right, first, I’d like to say that Ginny’s a great person. I went out with her for nearly a year. But, seriously? I think this is a bit much.” [all laugh]
Anna: Oh, Michael’s the sane one.
Kim: It’s just a bit, though.
Sequoia: He’s like, you guys…
Anna: He did mention how great her skin is, though.
Sequoia: “A club of obsession? You… do you not find that the least bit creepy? If I were you, I’d just find someone in my own house, and just get on with your life. Get o…” [all laugh] He’s giving them the business, man!
Kim: They need to hear it!
Sequoia: He’s actually helping.
Kim: I don’t know that they’re gonna listen, though. He might be trying…
Sequoia: “Silencio!” They’re not listening. They legitimately just silenced him.
Anna: Oh my god.
Kim: Nice! They don’t wanna hear that shit.
Sequioa: No.
Kim: They’re here to hear about how her hair feels.
Sequoia: Does anybody wanna guess who silenced him?
Kim: Draco.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Damn it.
Sequoia: It’s Colin Creevey!
Kim: Oh, obviously.
Sequoia: Colin spoke, once again, to the room. “I’m sorry, everyone, but our guest is moving a little too fast, there. First, we need to help each other with our obsession, and then move on to a possible solution. Most certainly not something for the first meeting.” [all laugh] Good point, Colin.
Kim: This is great. This is great. Oh my.
Sequoia: “Now,” said Harry, “I believe we have covered enough for the first day.”
Anna: What?! What?!
Kim: That’s it? They just did roll call!
Sequoia: Yeah, that’s it. They just did roll call, and then Michael Corner tried to help them.
Anna: And they’re like, no, no, no, that’s enough. That’s enough. Good day, everyone. Good meeting! [all laugh]
Kim: Oh, man.
Sequoia: What is that? [sighs] Harry, that is not enough for the first day! “Come back next week for Lesson One: About Ginny. Goodnight everyone!”
Kim: Oh no!
Anna: I need to… wait! I need to know what that lesson is!
Sequoia: Oh, you’ll know what the lesson is.
Kim: Oh, no!
Sequoia: Oh, we’re gonna get the lesson.
Kim: [groaning] Oh no. I don’t think this is helping!
Sequoia: This is not… no, this is not helping.
Anna: Yeah. They’re just embracing…
Sequoia: It’s just like, yes, let’s just talk about Ginny as a group. [all laugh] [Sequoia takes a deep breath] A passage of time.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: “Yeah, right,” muttered Ginny at breakfast on Monday morning.
Kim: Oh no, Ginny.
Sequoia: “What is it?” asked Hermione, tearing her gaze away from the teachers’ table to look at her younger friend.
Kim: Why was Hermione staring at the teachers’ table?
Sequoia: You never find out. You never find out!
Anna: What?! What?! Oh my god, who’s she crushin’ on?
Kim: Hermione/Professor Vector. I’m in.
Sequoia: Oh. Hermione/Trelawney. Oh!
Kim: Oh! Spicy!
Sequoia: Hot takes, hot takes. That’s what people come to the podcast for! Hot takes. [laughs]
Sequoia and Kim: Nope!
Sequoia: Nope. All right.
Kim: [laughing] Hermione…
Sequoia: “This letter. It’s from… a friend?” She handed it to Hermione, who read it. Ron was looking interested as well, and tried to look over her shoulder. “Virginia Weasley…”
Kim: Yes! Thank you.
Sequoia: Yes.
Anna: No!
Kim: Thank you. I hope somebody also calls her Gin at some point. Those are two great things!
Sequoia: Did you know?! Okay, this is something I learned, because when I was searching for a story to read, I was searching “Ginny.” Did you know that the sh… the pairing name for Ginny and Draco is Gin and Tonic?
Anna: Wait… why?
Kim: What?
Sequoia: I don’t know!
Kim: Why is Draco… why is… what?!
Anna: Like… tonic?
Sequoia: I… I don’t know. I don’t know.
Kim: I really like Drinny, though. [all laugh] ‘Cause it sounds awful.
Sequoia: It is awful!
Kim: ‘Cause it’s an awful pairing.
Sequoia: Gin and Tonic.
Anna: Okay. Bad.
Sequoia: Tangent. Tangent over.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: “Virginia Weasley, [Kim sighs] I write this to inform you of a secret society that has been formed within the walls of Hogwarts.”
Kim: This has gotta be Michael.
Anna: Yeah.
Sequoia: Run.
Anna: Run!
Kim: Run, Ginny. Transfer to Beauxbatons. Run.
Sequoia: “It is really none of my business, but has everything to do with you. It is called the Society for Nutters Obsessed with Ginny, and was founded by a Gryffindor, who shall remain nameless.”
Kim: No! Name and shame!
Anna: Wait, but we don’t… we still don’t know if that’s Colin or Harry, right?
Sequoia: We still don’t know.
Kim: Yeah, it’s Colin.
Sequoia: Is it, though?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: “Its purpose is to teach the dozens of wizards who are obsessed with you...”
Kim: Hundreds.
Sequoia: “To be able to live [chuckles] their lives, regardless of their obsession. The founder, nameless Gryffindor, regards this group by the abbreviation S.N.O.G…”
Kim: oh nooo
Sequoia: “…while most refer to it simply as SNOG.”
Kim: So it was Harry. Oh, Harry.
Sequoia: Mhm. Mhm. “This appears as a harmless group, and it should help its members help each other…”
Kim: No! No, I don’t think they’re harmless.
Sequoia: “…BUT IS IT?” [all laugh]
Anna: Oh my god.
Sequoia: Literally in the letter, all caps, “BUT IS IT?”
Kim: Oh, good.
Sequoia: “I can exclusively inform you that the founder of this group, nameless boy who lives in Gryffindor tower...” [Kim snorts]
Anna: Wait, “boy who lives?”
Sequoia: Yeah!
Anna: Does it say that?
Sequoia: Yeah, he’s the boy who lives…
Sequoia and Kim: …in Gryffindor tower. [Anna laughs]
Kim: [laughs] Oh, that’s so good!
Sequoia: I. Love. It. I love it!
Kim: This story is great! [laughs]
Sequoia: I know! I know! “The leader of this group has an ulterior motive.”
Kim: Oh no!
Sequoia: “He designed this group…”
Anna: He’s gonna kill them all.
Kim: Definitely.
Sequoia: [laughing] He’s gonna… he’s gonna blow up the Room of Requirement with all of them inside!
Kim: Then he’ll be the only one left.
Sequoia: “He designed this group for the sole purpose of helping each of the members get over you. Therefore, he can finally get up the nerve to take you to Hogsmeade.”
Anna: Well, if that’s the… the legal way to do it, I guess. [Sequoia laughs] A little less murder.
Sequoia: [laughing] A little less murder! Oh, but we want MORE murder. [all laugh]
Kim: Oh, man.
Sequoia: “How do I know this, you ask? Simple. My boyfriend is good friends with nameless Gryffindor, and he slipped this information to me by accident. This will not likely be important to you, as it is not well known that my boyfriend is indeed my boyfriend.”
Anna: What?
Kim: Oh my god, Hermione, shut the fuck up. [all laugh]
Sequoia: Okay, so you’re calling this letter’s from Hermione.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: All right.
Kim: Her boyfriend’s in Gry… oh no, it’s not, is it?
Sequoia: Uh, I don’t know…
Kim: Oh no!
Sequoia: You will see. It… it gets interesting. “It’s not known that my boyfriend is indeed my boyfriend. For some reason, he didn’t want it to be common knowledge. From, a friend. P.S. Just so you know, this is not the only group that nameless Gryffindor has founded. A certain ex-girlfriend of my boyfriend helped him with the first.”
Anna: What the hell?
Kim: Wh… why?
Anna: Ex-girlfriend of my boyfriend.
Kim: Who is best friends with nameless Gryffindor.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Anna: So, Hermione’s ex…
Kim: Yeah, so okay, so, Ron.
Anna: Krum?!
Kim: Is… no, so, Ron and Hermione were dating, have broken up, and Ron is dating someone he’s embarrassed about. That’s what’s happening?
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Nice!
Sequioa: That was good.
Kim: Nice. Is it Draco? [all laugh]
Anna: They never dated and broke up, though! I’m so mad! [Kim and Sequoia laugh] I’m like, this has to be Krum’s current girlfriend. This is the only thing that makes sense.
Sequoia: Yeah! Somehow Krum… Krum was also at the meeting.
Kim: Nothing has to make sense. Ever. Never seen Ginny before. Obsessed with her anyway.
Sequoia: Both Ron and Hermione looked up from the letter and, wide-eyed, looked at each other. [Kim laughs] They burst out laughing. “Ginny,” said Ron, “do you have any idea who that’s from?” She shook her head. “Well, we’re not going to be telling her, are we, Ronald?” Hermione asked dangerously, but there was a certain tone in her voice. There was a certain tone. Just a certain one.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: It was almost as though she was giving a hint.
Kim: Do you think Ron will get the hint? He doesn’t usually.
Sequoia: No. Nobody… Ginny… Ginny’s the one who’s being real bad at the hints, because you’re about to find out that she doesn’t know who nameless Gryffindor is.
Kim: No!
Sequoia: She could not deduce that! [laughing] From the letter she was sent.
Anna: Oh, no, Ginny.
Sequoia: Oh, it’s about to happen. Here, it’s for… this is for you, Kim. “Of course not. But before you go brushing this off, Gin, [Kim groans] I should tell you…”
Kim: [continues groaning, and fake cries] Bad nicknames!
Sequoia: Mione.
Kim: Ginny is already a nickname! Why does she need another nickname?!
Sequoia: “It is a very reliable source.” He snorted again, though he seemed to be trying to cover something. A secret.
Kim: An erection. [all laugh] My bad.
Sequoia: Something was on his mind. “Riiight,” said Ginny slowly. She would figure it out. She didn’t need their help. You obviously do, if you had not already figured it out.
Kim: Yeah, c’mon Ginny. You’re smarter than this.
Sequoia: You need so much help.
Kim: You’re smarter than this.
Sequoia: From their attitude, she was sure the answer was obvious.
Kim: [laughs] Good job.
Sequoia: A passage of time.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: “Welcome to our second meeting,” called Harry. “Today is Lesson One: About Ginny.”
Kim: No.
Anna: Birthday, August eleventh.
Sequoia: Favorite color… “I have come to know Ginny quite well over the past couple years,” he said.
Anna: What year is this? I mean, Michael Corner and her dated, what, fifth year of Harry?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah, I’m guessing this is probably sixth year. Because what’s-his-face is there too, the other keeper guy. And that would have happened during book five.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah. The guy who we didn’t know and whose name we have already forgotten?
Kim: Hopper?
Anna: Hooper!
Kim: Hooper?
Sequoia: Hooper!
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Let’s see. “She is very funny. Very smart. You all know she’s beautiful. What is there not to like about her?”
Kim: No. How is this helping?
Sequoia: This is literally not helping.
Kim: Harry’s just talking about how great Ginny is to all of these guys that are already obsessed with her.
Anna: Oh my god.
Sequoia: And isn’t his goal to, like, make them not obsessed with her? He’s not doing a good job.
Kim: He’s… he’s not. I don’t think this is the way… Harry needs some help. Somebody help that boy.
Sequoia: Ginny needs some help. Harry needs some help. A certain Ravenclaw was tied up in the CORNER of the room.
Anna: Aahaaha!
Kim: Corner! Stupid. Why is he there?!
Sequoia: I don’t know! They silenced him and then they tied him up!
Kim: And had they… did they just…?
Kim and Anna: And he’s been there…
Anna: …for like a week.
Kim: …since the last meeting, because they’re afraid he’s going to go talk to Ginny.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah! They just left him there. Oh, man!
Kim: Poor Mike.
Sequoia: Trying to break through his restraints and the Muggle tape that was keeping his mouth shut.
Anna: Oh my god.
Sequoia: So good. “She’s a Weasley through and through. She takes after the twins with her sense of humor, and strongly believes that, and I quote, “anything’s possible, if you’ve got enough nerve.””
Kim: Ssssure?
Sequoia: “She has beautiful long red hair.”
Kim: He’s explaining her like they’ve never seen her before!
Anna: I know!
Kim: It’s really weird.
Sequoia: Why? “She has beautiful long red hair, bright brown eyes, and eleven freckles across her nose.”
Anna: What?!
Kim: Dude! [laughter] Harry!
Sequoia: Harry!
Kim: Not okay, dude.
Sequoia: “In her first year, Ginny was taken to the Chamber of Secrets by the heir of Slytherin.” [Kim stutters] “It was a horrific experience, and it would have been fatal for both her and myself, if it wasn’t for quite a bit of luck. I believe that fate was on our side that day.”
Kim: Harry! Not having any chill!
Anna: What is his…
Sequoia: You gotta b… he’s gotta bring himself up.
Anna: Oh, man.
Kim: Remember that time when I saved everyone?
Sequoia: I saved her, though. I know we’re all obsessed with her, but…
Kim: But look at me!
Sequioa: I saved her.
Kim: Stupid.
Sequoia: “She is the youngest of seven Weasley children, and, in my opinion, the finest of the lot.”
Anna: Well, okay.
Kim: Okay. Heart crushing to all those Percy/Harry shippers.
Sequoia: Yeah, I know.
Kim: Nah, that’s not a real ship.
Sequoia: No. It’s out there!
Anna: It’s there.
Sequoia: That fanfiction exists.
Kim: That’s an awful ship. I love it.
Sequoia: I know. [laughs] Okay, so we’re about to go into a portion of the story where it’s like Ginny’s trying to figure out what’s going on, at the same time as this meeting is happening, so they’re, like, flashing between the two.
Kim: Okay. Okay.
Sequoia: Okay. So, we’re going over to Ginny. Ginny had made a list of all the Gryffindors she knew, not including Ron, for he would most certainly not start a SNOG club that had anything to do with herself.
Anna: Well, hope not.
Sequoia: Yeah, I’d hope not.
Anna: Jesus.
Sequoia: She then made a list of all the witches she knew, in each house, since the letter was obviously from a female.
Kim and Anna: Eh.
Sequoia: Yeah, it just said, “my boyfriend.”
Kim: Yeah, let’s talk about Dron.
Anna: Secret boyfriend. So extra.
Kim: Let’s talk about… let’s talk about… let’s talk about Dron, guys. I need to… need to talk about Dron.
Sequoia: No you don’t. [sings] Secret boyfriend. Okay. She crossed off all the persons who had boyfriends or girlfriends that she knew of...
Kim: Sure.
Anna: Smart.
Sequoia: …as the latter had s… as the letter had said that it was not common knowledge.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: This is good. She did a good… good deductive thing here.
Kim: Right.
Anna: Unless it was, like, not common knowledge, because they’re [dramatically] cheating.
Sequoia: Oooooohhhhh.
Kim: [laughs] There’s better ways to do this.
Sequoia: Yeah. She doubted that the founder of SNOG would be romantically attached.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: For a moment, she just shook her head, unable to believe that this was actually real. SNOG? Dozens of members? It just didn’t seem probable. [Anna and Kim laugh]
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: She then remembered hearing the name Blaise Zabini, but was not sure which list that would go on…
Anna: What?
Sequoia: …the girl or the boy list.
Anna: Oh.
Kim: [sing-song voice] Who is Blaise? What is Blaise?
Sequoia: I love that this fanfiction is so referential…
Kim: yeah!
Sequoia: …to the fact that fanfiction doesn’t know if Blaise is a girl or a boy!
Kim: Was Blaise a character in the fifth book? Or did he not pop up until… no, he was totally in the fifth book!
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: As a guy!
Sequoia: As a guy! So, this is just like, totally like fanfiction referential, which I think is like, the greatest thing.
Anna: Oh my goodness.
Kim: Poor Blaise.
Sequoia: Taking out the letter, she searched it for any hints of the identity of the author.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: The format seemed familiar, as if she’d read something similar.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: But did she? But is it?!
Kim: What?
Sequoia: But does he?! [Anna snorts]
Kim: Oh. I get it. I think.
Sequoia: You think you get… what do you think?
Kim: It’s written like… like a… like a… like a flashy tabloid newspaper article, right?
Sequoia: It is.
Kim: ‘k.
Sequoia: That was it! The Quibbler.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: Every article had something along those lines. She remembered the article about Harry. “Most people agree that the Boy Who Lived is no longer the same boy he used to be. That he makes up stories, just keeping in the public eye. That he wants nothing more than to be the next Gilderoy Lockhart. BUT DOES HE?!” [all laugh]
Kim: Yeah, I think that’s a direct quote from the book.
Sequoia: Yup. She laughed at the memory. So, this person reads The Quibbler.
Kim: Good.
Sequoia: Who did she know who reads The Quibbler?
Kim: You can do this, Ginny. I believe in you!
Sequoia: C’mon, Ginny, c’mon!
Kim: It’s right there. You’re so close! I don’t know how that’s gonna help her, though.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: ‘Cause then the relationship’s not common knowledge.
Sequoia: Yeah. It doesn’t really…
Kim: I mean, she could just stalk Luna for a while.
Sequoia: It doesn’t… it doesn’t really help her at all to know who the author of the…
Kim: She’ll still be like… yeah, she’ll still be like, three steps away from Harry.
Sequoia: Yeah, you just need to like re… oh my gosh, Ginny.
Kim: Ginny.
Anna: Unless she interrogates them.
Sequoia: That’s true.
Kim: Yeah, I guess so.
Sequoia: That is true.
Anna: Threatens their life with a bat bogey hex!
Sequoia: Who did she know who read The Quibbler? It seemed everyone did, since Harry’s article. But who would go to such lengths just to write a letter in the same format? Hmmmm. Duh! [all laugh]
Kim: Oh! I’m so worried about what you’re gonna say. Ginny, you can do this!
Sequoia: She knew one person who would do that!
Anna: Oh, wow.
Sequoia: Luna Lovegood, one of her best friends.
Kim: Okay. It’s all coming together.
Sequoia: It’s all coming together!
Kim: All coming together.
Sequoia: And probably the only person who wouldn’t just tell her about the group.
Anna: Oh my god.
Kim: True. True facts.
Sequoia: Luna’s just re… writing this weird, cryptic letter, instead of just being like, hey, my good friend…
Anna: Best friend…
Kim: There’s this weird thing happening, that I heard about. Maybe we should do something about it.
Sequoia: Maybe you should… yeah. What took her so long to figure that out? She had a boyfriend? Who could… no. No, it couldn’t be. Ron?!
Anna: Oooooohhhh!
Kim: Okay, that leap happened really fast!
Sequoia: Right? It took her forever to figure out it was Luna, and then she was like, wait, this is only one guess away from…
Kim: And she… and she still hasn’t seen that it’s definitely Harry.
Sequoia: He’s the Boy Who Lived…
Kim: In Gryffindor.
Sequoia: …in the Gryffindor tower. [Anna laughs]
Kim: How did she get Ron from Luna?
Anna: I don’t know.
Sequoia: Quite a jump. Quite a jump. Okay.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: We’re back in the Room of Requirement.
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: “She is now sixteen years old…”
Kim: Harry!
Sequoia: “…and is currently single.” says Harry.
Anna: Oh, okay. Okay.
Sequoia: [mocking Harry] “And she’s currently single, guys!”
Kim: “Currently single!” Great.
Sequoia: ... said Harry.
Kim: Harry, just fucking talk to her you weirdo.
Sequoia: He’s so awful. “With luck, one of us may change that.”
Kim: I thought they were trying to get over their obsession!
Sequoia: Yeah! Harry!
Kim: Harry has not thought this through!
Anna: No!
Kim: Unless he’s trying to set her up with Draco for reasons unknown. [Sequoia laughs]
Anna: No, I mean, apparently Harry’s trying to get everyone over her so he can have her to himself.
Sequoia: Except that he’s not doing that!
Anna: Yeah.
Sequoia: He’s lost sight! You’ve lost sight of the goal, Harry!
Kim: He has. He has. He’s definitely just thinking about himself right now.
Sequoia: Harry, nooo! We’re back with Ginny.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Ron and Luna? Who would have thought?
Kim: You! Immediately!
Sequoia: Yeah. [all laugh] It had to be. There was no one else Luna had ever shown any interest in, ever, since they were three and Luna had first come over to the Burrow. It certainly took long enough. Hang on. “My boyfriend is good friends...”
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: “…with nameless Gryffindor…”
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: “…and he slipped this information to me by accident.” Good friends?
Kim: Uh huh. Ron doesn’t have any friends. That doesn’t sound right.
Sequoia: But who is Ron good friends with, apart from Hermione and Harry?
Anna: Oh my god.
Sequoia: And Harry. [Anna laughs] Harry…
Kim: [snorts] C’mon, buddy! You can do it! You can do it!
Sequoia: No way! [all laugh] Apart from Hermione and Harry… AND HARRY!
Kim: Hermione.
Sequoia: Hermione! We’re back with Harry.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: “Did I mention her beautiful red hair?”
Anna: Oh my god.
Sequoia: “And her eleven freckles? Counted them myself.”
Kim: Harry!
Anna: Jesus Christ.
Sequoia: Harry! Harry, calm down. Harry, you need some chill. Chill, bro. We’re back with Ginny.
Kim: That was it? We just had to cut in for that?
Sequoia: We just keep cutting in, for like, [laughs] sentences of Harry saying creepy stuff, and then we go back to Ginny just like, having a hard time figuring out what’s going on.
Anna: Like, imagine this as a movie. Just, like, the cutting back and forth.
Sequoia: Yeah, it’s very cinematic.
Kim: Sure. Freckles.
Sequoia: Counted them myself!
Anna: Then we see Daniel Radcliffe being like, did I mention her beautiful red hair and her eleven freckles? And then cut back to Ginny.
Sequoia: Ginny going, whaaat?
Kim: That sounds right.
Sequoia: “I can exclusively inform you that the founder of this group, nameless boy who lives in Gryffindor tower…”
Kim: Oh! Yeah!
Anna: Ohhh!
Sequoia: Boy Who Lives?! How did I miss that?! [Kim laughs]
Anna: Ya dummy.
Sequoia: Ginny smacked herself over the head with her Transfiguration book.
Kim: [sighs] Okay, fine.
Sequoia: “Just so you know, this is not the only group that nameless Gryffindor has founded. A certain ex-girlfriend of my boyfriend helped…”
Kim: Mhm. Are we gonna… are we gonna step through the letter?
Sequoia: Just going through the whole thing!
Anna: I know! They have to explain the whole thing.
Kim: We get it.
Sequoia: Ron’s ex-girlfriend is Hermione, who helped him with the DA! Duh, again!
Kim: Uh huh. Uh huh.
Anna: Says… since when?! What the hell? I am upset.
Kim: Uh huh. Fine.
Sequoia: [laughs] I know, right? And I’m upset, because I’m like, oh, he’s just gonna skip over that… the good one. The good relationship.
Kim: Yeah, right? Fine.
Sequoia: Okay. “Therefore, he can finally get up the nerve to take you to Hogsmeade.” Oh! Really? Okay, now we’re in the Great Hall. A passage of time.
Kim: Sure.
Anna: So… so, he doesn’t have the nerve, because there’s too much competition?
Sequoia: But he’s the chosen one! [all laugh] Yeah, he has to eliminate all the competition.
Kim: He’s really worried about Justin Finch-Fletchley.
Anna: Yeah!
Sequoia: He’s really worried about… Hoopington, whatever.
Anna: [laughing] Hoopington!
Kim: He’s a whiner!
Sequoia: He’s a whiner. Yeah, he just… you know, he feels like if lots of boys like her and he tries to ask her out, she’ll say no.
Kim: He’ll get stabbed in his sleep by Draco! [all laugh]
Sequoia: Oh, good point!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Good point! All right, I’m on board.
Kim: He doesn’t want to have to fight each of these guys every day.
Sequoia: Every day! “Hello, Harry,” said Ginny, sitting down beside him at the Gryffindor table at breakfast. “Hey, Gin…”
Kim: No!
Sequoia: [laughs] …Harry said, blushingly, trying to hide his face in his toast.
Anna: Oh my god.
Sequoia: [laughing] How do you hide your face in your toast?
Kim: Why? Why? Harry! You can do this, dude!
Sequoia: [laughs] Hide your face in your toast! Which only succeeded in buttering him.
Anna: I was thinking that!
Sequoia: Yep.
Anna: Don’t touch your face to your buttery toast.
Sequoia: Yeah! [laughs]
Anna: You’ll get a buttery face!
Kim: Wipe your food on your face.
Sequoia: Yeah! Oh... oh no. Ron and Hermione looked at Ginny, trying to keep their faces straight. Ginny winked at them. She got a plan.
Kim: Oh!
Seqouia: “So,” she said, “have a nice snog?” she asked casually. [Kim gasps and laughs] Harry spit out the sip of pumpkin juice he had attempted to drink. Ron snorted so loud that Professor Snape looked in his direction worriedly. [all laugh]
Anna: Oh my god.
Kim: What?! What noise did Ron just make?
Sequoia: Snape’s like, that noise was a problem. Something is wrong with that boy!
Kim: [laughing] What?
Sequoia: “Wh… uh… wh… what?” Harry stuttered. “Oh, sorry,” said Ginny. “None of my business what you do. I just heard a rumor that you were snogging someone in the Room of Requirement?”
Kim: Haha. Nice!
Sequoia: “I did not!” he said.
Anna: I did not!
Kim: I... it’s S.N.O.G!
Sequoia: It’s not SNOG! “I did not!” he said, clearly having thought she had discovered his secret. Clearly, she had. “Want to?”
Anna: What?!
Sequoia: “What?” he nearly screamed.
Anna: This took a turn.
Kim: Nice!
Sequoia: Yeah, she’s like, yeah, you wanna? You wanna snog? And he is like, oh god, my face is covered in butter! [all laugh]
Kim: And pumpkin juice!
Anna: [laughing] And pumpkin juice!
Sequoia: “Well, since you didn’t have the nerve to ask me to Hogsmeade without first eliminating any and all competition...”
Anna: Hey!
Sequoia: “…I decided to take it upon myself to ask you.”
Kim: [laughs] Awww.
Sequoia: “How… uh… who?” “Yes or no, Harry?”
Kim: [laughs] Aww.
Sequoia: “Yes!” He did scream that time. He did scream! “Good. Next time, just ask.” She kissed him on the cheek before walking out of the Great Hall, leaving a dumbfounded founder with an amazed look on his face, and a certain Ravenclaw grinning. That’s Luna. I think they’re refer… she’s referring to Luna.
Kim: Yeah, yeah. It’s not…
Sequoia: A certain other Ravenclaw was still left tied up in the corner.
Anna: Oh my god!
Kim: Of the Room of Requirement!
Sequoia: The end.
Anna: Wait, are they gonna snog in there? With Michael in the corner?
Kim: [laughing] In front of Michael!? [Sequoia laughs]
Anna: Also, Ginny, why are you just more interested in Harry after hearing this?
Kim: Right?!
Anna: Should you not be like, oh, he’s kinda... maybe not. [all laugh]
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: Oh, man.
Sequoia: I thought it was very special and hilarious! The BOY WHO LIVED in Gryffindor tower!
Anna: Yeah!
Sequoia: I’m never gonna be able to get over that!
Kim: BUT DID HE?!
Sequoia: BUT IS IT?! [all laugh and sigh]
Kim: Luna just wanted Ginny to know that she was dating Ron.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That other stuff wasn’t important.
Sequoia: No.
Anna: Yeah, and we never found out why Ron is ashamed of Luna.
Sequoia: Yeah! What a weir… Ron. Ron. Classic Ron.
Kim: ‘Cause Ron... Ron/Luna makes no sense because Ron would be ashamed. [laughs]
Sequoia: Oh, god!
Kim: ‘Cause he doesn’t like Luna! [Anna laughs]
Sequoia: He’s… he calls her…
Anna: Ashamed of dating a girl he doesn’t like. Loony?
Sequoia: Yeah, Loony. He calls her Loony on the reg! On the reg.
Kim: Yeah. He’s not nice to her.
Sequoia: No!
Anna: [sarcastically] It’s affectionate! It’s his pet name.
Kim: Ohhh.
Sequoia: I’d be like, [in a deep voice] get a new pet name. [all laugh] I’m not having this. [sighs] Well, I hope that you guys enjoyed what I found for you.
Kim: That was really… that was a really funny story. It was actually… they did a good job.
Sequoia: It was really, really funny, yeah. We also do… so we do recommendations at the end of every episode.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: I found a story called Nauseous Romance [Kim snorts] and it’s very cute. It’s like, Harry and Ginny.
Kim: Oh, nice.
Sequoia: But, like, not this like weird Harry and Ginny that just happened.
Kim: [laughs] That was good too.
Sequoia: It was good too, yeah. This one’s… the twins give Harry some kind of their weird candy, and it makes Harry really nauseous and Ginny has to take care of him.
Kim: Oh, all right.
Sequoia: But I…
Kim: That sounds adorable.
Sequoia: I also love that it’s called Nauseous Romance!
Kim: That’s just a good name, yeah.
Anna: Yeah.
Sequoia: Like, like on point. That’s all of my romance. [all laugh]
Kim: I don’t know what that means, I’m sorry.
Sequoia: Oh no. I don’t know, I don’t know. Ao yeah, check out the recommendation. There will be a link in the description.
Kim: Uh huh. Did you have anything else you wanted to plug while we’re here?
Anna: Oh! Hmm, well, you already mentioned the Youtubes and Facebooks. I… I should technically have a podcast up by now, of my own.
Kim: Oooh!
Anna: And the title is very similar to yours! [all laugh] Has nothing to do with fanfiction, although maybe one day it will come up, but it is called Fantastic Geeks and Where to Find Them.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Excellent.
Anna: And it’s just about general geekiness. We play games with… with, like, certain g… geeky fandom characters. Like kiss, marry, kill, or would you rather? sort of stuff, and we sort characters from other fandoms into Hogwarts Houses. Yeah. Just fun times. Debates. Stuff like that.
Kim: That sounds awesome!
Sequoia: That sounds great!
Kim: I love…
Anna: It’s with Tessa Netting, if anyone knows who she is.
Sequoia: Yeah! Oh, that’s so fun!
Kim: I love podcasts.
Sequoia: Yeah, we will definitely have a link to where you can find that, as well. Very exciting.
Kim: Mhm.
Anna: [high pitched voice] Brand new!
Sequoia: We… so you can find us on the internet, in several places. [Anna laughs]
Kim: That’s true.
Sequoia: We’re... we’re so good at this. Podcasting. On Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook you can find us @FanaticalFics. You can also find Anna on those types of places, and we will link those in the description as well!
Anna: Mhm.
Kim: Mhm. If you have any longer thoughts you want to send us, our email is FanaticalFics@gmail.com.
Sequoia: If you wanna help us out, there’s a couple ways.
Kim: Help us. Someone help us!
Sequoia: Help us. Pl… please help.
Kim: Just in general. Just generally send help.
Sequoia: Please, someone help. [all laugh] Send help! You can leave a review for us on iTunes! We would love that so very much.
Kim: It’s super helpful. If we can get that, it helps us find new listeners, and just lets us know what we’re doing well and what maybe we’re not doing so well, or whatever!
Sequoia: Whatever! Whatever, whatever.
Kim: What you like, what you don’t like.
Sequoia: No flames!
Kim: If you want more Draco. If you want less Draco.
Sequoia: Everybody wants more Draco, all the time! Nobody wants…
Anna: Drapple! [all laugh]
Sequoia: Drapple!
Kim: Just let us know. And another thing you can do that is helpful, you could always recommend this podcast to someone, I guess.
Sequoia: Yeah, give it to your friends as a present. [all laugh]
Kim: Yeah, I mean…
Anna: Here’s this free thing.
Sequoia: Yeah, I got it for you.
Kim: I found this free… that’s what you always say. You found this for me. And then you give me some whatever.
Sequoia: I know, exactly.
Kim: So do that to your friends!
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Do the same thing that Sequoia does to me.
Sequoia: Give it to your friends. You can also find us on Patreon.com.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: We have a link to that in the description.
Kim: We’ve got some bonus written and audio content over there, as well as some swag, if you’re interested.
Sequoia: Yeah, maybe we’ll make a t-shirt for SNOG.
Kim: Ours would be SNOD, let’s be real.
Sequoia: It would be SNOD! [all laugh]
Kim: Who knows.
Sequoia: If you read a lot of fanfiction, you want us to read something that you read, and you were like, oh my god, Sequoia and Kim must see this now, there is a story submission form linked in the episode description.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Give it to us!
Kim: Give me the links!
Sequoia: Give… send us the links!
Kim: Even if it’s maybe not something that we could use for the podcast, we still love reading all fanfiction.
Sequoia: That we do.
Kim: So send it our way.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Cool, I think that’s everything.
Sequoia: That is everything. Thanks so much for tuning in. Thanks for coming on the show, Anna!
Kim: Yeah! It was super fun!
Anna: Yeah! Thank you! What a fun one! I like how that fic had some, like, mystery involved.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: Oh, yeah! It had everything!
Kim: Clues…
Sequoia and Kim: Everything.
Kim: Humor, romance.
Anna: Puns.
Kim: Harry being an idiot.
Sequoia: Yeah, well, that’s in everything.
Kim: That’s all I live for.
Anna: Both the Creeveys.
Sequoia: Both the Creeveys, yeah!
Kim: All the guys!
Sequoia: Ah, the guys. You know?
Kim: Thanks as always to the Whomping Willows for letting us use their amazing song, Wolfstar, as our theme song.
Sequioa: Great!
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: Well, bye!
Kim: Bye!
Anna: Goodbye!