Episode 17: I'm My Own Grandpa
This episode needs no introduction, the fic title says it all! But also like… HOW DOES TIME WORK?!
Recommendation: Only the Cold
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3668177/1/Only-the-Cold
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Catherine
Checker: Skylar
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If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Sequoia: [singing] Did you find some fanfiction to read to me today? Is this a podcast about spare bedrooms? Or is it about Harry Potter fanfiction? [pause, then speaking normally] Nobody knows.
Kim: [away from the microphone] Oh my God. That has to stay. [Sequoia laughs] Is that our new theme song? Did you…? [Sequoia continues laughing]
Sequoia: I really hope that's not the new theme song. [both laugh]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It's our podcast about Harry Potter fanfiction.
Sequoia: Probably. [both chuckle] You never know.
Kim: Eh, it's always… [Sequoia laughs] There’s always some sprinkled in.
Sequoia: It’s... it’s always there in some form.
Kim: Or another.
Sequoia: Welcome to yet another podcast experience.
Kim: Yep, yep.
Sequoia: We're happy that you're here. We're happy to be here. And I am so excited because… just… Kim just keeps looking at me like this story is pure gold, and I am just so ready.
Kim: I just... I… It's been a while so I… Oh my God. [singing] It’s been a while.
Sequoia: [singing] It’s been a while.
Kim: No, I can’t.
Sequoia: No? No? No?
Kim: Okay. No. So I read this story a while ago, and I added it to my list immediately, but I haven't read it since then, so we'll see how it flows today.
Sequoia: We'll see how it goes today.
Kim: Yeah. Anyway…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: But before we get started, actually, I… In the Valentine's Day episode, we called my husband bad and I have to apologize. [Sequoia laughs hard] I don't think you're bad; it's me that’s bad. I apologize. [Sequoia continues laughing] Happy late Valentine's Day.
Sequoia: Oh, man.
Kim: Don't look at me! You're looking at me!
Sequoia: I’m sorry, I'm sorry. We also have a correction to be made from the Valentine's Day episode.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Our number one listener, Harrison…
Kim: Thank you, Harrison.
Sequoia: Harrison is the best. Tweeted at us because we…
Kim: I.
Sequoia: I… yeah, I mean, but I agreed with you. We thought that there was no point in time where Bellatrix was not in prison, and Rodolphus was in prison, and Dumbledore was dead.
Kim: And those three things happen at the same time.
Sequoia: They did happen at the same time.
Kim: They don't happen at the same time as Valentine's Day.
Sequoia: No, but like…
Kim: But that doesn’t matter.
Sequoia: That’s the… yeah.
Kim: That's not the important part.
Sequoia: No. So thank you, Harrison, for pointing that out, this little correction.
Kim: Yeah.
Both: [singing] Corrections.
Sequoia: We should have… that’s the sound… that's on the soundboard, right?
Kim: Oh my God. [Sequoia laughs] We have… we have a new segment, “Kim’s an idiot.”
Sequoia: Oh, what’d we fuck up this time?
Kim: [singing] Spouting some shit.
Sequoia: [singing along] Ahhh.
Kim: I don't think we have anything else to say before we get started.
Sequoia: No, I guess we could just…
Kim: Just jump into it?
Sequoia: ...read some sort of fanfiction?
Kim: I don't know. I feel like I listened to the Valentine's Day so recently that… We spent like half an hour just babbling before we finally got into it. [Sequoia laughs] And I feel like we should do that but I don't think we regularly do that.
Sequoia: Do we? I don't know. I don't know anything about this podcast.
Kim: I've never… [Sequoia laughs] Oh no. Have you been replaced with, like, an alien life form who's just pretending to be you and I didn't notice for, like, the hour we sat drinking coffee?
Sequoia: In the… yeah, in the Sequoia suit. I’m a alien in the Sequoia suit.
Kim: Or are you just all of our friends stuffed into the Sequoia suit? ‘Cause we do threaten to do that on occasion.
Sequoia: Yeah, I'm ten of your friends in a trench coat. [both laugh]
Kim: But that wouldn't be so different, though. I don't think I would notice. I think that I would be excused from not noticing ‘cause you’re actually just all of my friends.
Sequoia: Yeah. Because I… we have been… we’ve gotten... we spit inside jokes just, like, on the regular, as a... as a rule. Which is why I'm so fond of the call backs. I think it's just how... it’s just how our…
Kim: Our humor works?
Sequoia: Yeah, exactly.
Kim: Yeah, that's kind of true.
Sequoia: Which is why I literally can't hold the call backs inside of me. [Kim laughs] I was trying to explain this to somebody the other day, because I was like, we have to record the episodes in order…
Kim: We do.
Sequoia: …because I cannot keep the call backs inside. I can’t!
Kim: Sometimes... a couple of times we've gone out to, like, dinner or something, after recording, with our friends, and Sequoia immediately starts dropping references to the episode we just recorded and I'm like, no, Sequoia. You can't do that. I’m the only one who was there!
Sequoia: [laughs] But to be fair, I always make eye contact with you when I do it.
Kim: Yeah, but we're in a crowded room. [laughs]
Sequoia: Whatever, they're fine. They don't… they're bad at listening to the podcast anyway.
Kim: Can we call them bad? Because I got called out for calling someone bad for not listening to the podcast. [Sequoia laughs] Wait, I didn't… whatever.
Sequoia: No, I did. That's the funny part, is that I did.
Kim: We agreed that someone was bad.
Sequoia: Yeah. Speaking of people who listen to our podcast: if you are listening from Copenhagen, can you please tweet at us? Because I am really interested in you as a human being and how you found this podcast, and SoundCloud is telling me that you exist and I just am, like, really excited about it.
Kim: You know what? Shout out to all of our international listeners. Who are you? How did you find us? I'm into it.
Sequoia: Why? [both laugh] Okay, I guess we could read fanfiction now or something.
Kim: Oh, yeah, okay.
Sequoia: We did… we did succeed in talking for a while.
Kim: There it is. Some garbage. Couple of minutes. Oh, Jesus.
Sequoia: Woah, God.
Kim: Okay, so today I'm going to be reading to Sequoia. It's my turn. Last time Sequoia gave me some great insane shit. So I have to bring the insane today.
Sequoia: [whispered] Yes! Yes! Bring it!
Kim: First of all, like always, Sequoia is gonna give us some predictions. Don't forget that we love hearing your predictions, listeners.
Sequoia: [whiny tone] Please!
Kim: It always… it always makes me so happy, knowing that we're not the only ones bad at this.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Also seeing that you guys are better at us than this. Also hilarious.
Sequoia: Yeah, also good.
Kim: I love it. I don't know… this one might be easy today.
Sequoia: Oh, good!
Kim: The title gives some… okay, I'm just gonna say it. Tweet or whatever your predictions at us. Draw a picture of them and Instagram them at us. I don't know!
Sequoia: Please draw a picture of them and Instagram them at us. [both laugh]
Kim: That was… that was… whatever.
Sequoia: Was… was… what?
Kim: The story today… [pause for dramatic effect] is called I'm My Own Grandpa. [Sequoia squeals and chuckles] The genre is romance/mystery.
Sequoia: [high-pitched laughing/crying voice] I’m sorry, listeners. I’m already crying!
Kim: [also high-pitched laughing/crying voice] Are you… are you… are you… are you crying?
Sequoia: Already… [both still crying laughing] What? What? What?!
Kim: [strained high-pitched voice] It’s called I'm My Own Grandpa.
Sequoia: Oh no. Oh nooo! Oh no. [oth laughing]
Kim: Oh no, this is gonna be so hard to read.
Sequoia: Oh my God. Okay. So, how general are these predictions meant to be? Because my… my immediate reaction is to say this is a Weasley family story, because people… fanfiction writers love to do this kind of shit with the Weasleys.
Kim: Awesome. Okay, yeah. Um, I think predicting, like, generally what area of the wizarding family tree this is pointed at is fine.
Sequoia: Okay, this is a Weasley family story.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Oh my God, I don't even know what to do with this. Um, somebody accidentally travels in time.
Kim: Awesome.
Sequoia: And there is a… Oh my God, I don't even know what to do with that... that purpose… Third one…
Kim: You could just predict something more general about the story. One of our listeners, Gina, pointed out that our predictions often relied too much upon each other.
Sequoia: Oh, right.
Kim: Which is why we are so bad at this game.
Sequoia: Exactly. That's why we never get any points. Because once you get one thing wrong, you've got all your things wrong.
Kim: Yeah, maybe predict something a little more general.
Sequoia: It… it starts at Hogwarts.
Kim: Cool. I don't know about that one.
Sequoia: You know what? I don't know.
Kim: Fine. All right, so don't forget: send us your predictions. Let's jump into this nonsense.
Sequoia: Yes, I'm so ready.
Kim: Oh, it just starts like this. Okay. [Sequoia laughs] You’re gonna be so mad at me.
Sequoia: Oh my God, damn it.
Kim: Draco…
Sequoia: [in a rage] AAAARGH! AAAARGH! GOD DAMN IT! [Kim laughs heartily throughout] I hate you. I hate you so much right now, in this current moment of life. God damn it. Okay. All right. Draco. God damn it!
Kim: We’re one word into the story. It’s been fifteen minutes. [Sequoia laughs] Draco found himself staring at the picture again. People had always commented that he looked exactly like his grandfather, Draco Malfoy the First.
Sequoia: No! No! No! No! [Kim laughs] Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: “Exactly” seemed like an understatement.
Sequoia: Is that not some kind of, like, a paradox? You know?
Kim: That he's his own grandfather?
Sequoia: And he met… but like… yeah, but just even the name in and of itself. Like how can you be named after…?
Kim: Yes. Yes, Draco Malfoy is going to end this story being both Draco Malfoy the First…
Both: … And Draco Malfoy the Second.
Sequoia: Awesome.
Kim: [laughs] Oh! One thing that I... that's like... this is a way side note, but when you're named after your grandfather, the nickname… because, like, how you're named… when you're named after your father, your nickname can be Junior.
Sequoia: Uh huh.
Kim: When you're nicknamed after your grandfather… not nicknamed. When you're named after your grandfather, your nickname can be Skip.
Sequoia: Oh, HELL yeah. Why don't we…
Kim: So, you know… so Draco's new nickname…
Both: …is Skip.
Sequoia: [whispers] Oh my God.
Kim: You know, Skippy.
Sequoia: [slurred giddy voice] Lil’… Lil’…
Kim: Or whatever!
Sequoia: Little Skippy. Oh my God, that's amazing.
Kim: Just some… uh, some whatever. [Sequoia laughs] “Exactly” seemed like an understatement. How can “exactly” be an understatement? Because that means… exac…
Sequoia: He looks more like him than he did. [both laugh]
Kim: He looked absolutely, positively identical to the man. That is the same thing as exactly.
Sequoia: Yeah, but… but nice try.
Kim: Draco!
Sequoia: Draco!
Kim: People are stupid. They had the same nose, eyes, eyebrows, scars.
Sequoia: Oh, scars?
Kim: Getting weird!
Sequoia: That's when it starts to get weird.
Kim: Yep!
Sequoia: Yeah, that's when you start going, but am I my own grandfather?
Kim: Oh, yep. They were one another’s spitting image. In recent years, however, Draco’s attention had been drawn to the woman on his grandfather's arm; his grandmother. There was very little known about Jane Malfoy. Some even said that Jane was her middle name.
[long pause]
Sequoia: [inhales] I have died! I have died! I have died!
Kim: [laughs] There was a…
Sequoia: I have died! I…
Kim: There was a kind of a sidelong glance at Sequoia there, during that silence that I made.
Sequoia: [dramatically whispering] Have died. [Kim chuckles] No…
Kim: Oh, yeah.
Sequoia: You did not find…
Kim: Oh, yeah.
Sequoia: This is not…
Kim: Oh, yeah.
Sequoia: Oh, I’m gonna cry again. [makes laughing/crying noise]
Kim: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Who… listeners, as a hint in case you don't get it, whose middle name is always fucking insane and wrong?
Sequoia: [high-pitched] Guys!
Kim: Guys!
Sequoia: [high-pitched] Guys!
Kim: Guys! Look what I found for you. [Sequoia laughs]
Both: Whew!
Kim: His own father didn't know her first name for certain. All Draco really knew about her was her appearance at the age of nineteen, as seen in this photo, and that she was a pureblood.
Sequoia: Okay, wrong, nope.
Kim: Wrong, incorrect. Lucius was orphaned not long after his birth and raised by a friend of the family. What struck Draco, though, was her appearance. It was one thing for his grandfather to look exactly like himself, but quite another for his grandmother to look exactly like…
Both: Hermione Granger. [both burst into laughter]
Sequoia: [in a sing-song voice] Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Kim: Oh my God. Yes.
Sequoia: Oh, but that means that the Malfoys aren't purebloods.
Kim: Yes, it does.
Sequoia: That's amazing.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: That's amazing. This is canon. [both laugh]
Kim: Yes, it is! Canon as fuck. Oh, man. When I first saw this title, I was kind of hoping that they were going to go down the Futurama route, where you go back in time and you accidentally have sex with your grandmother.
Sequoia: Yeah, that's kind of where I thought it was going to. But not! Okay, great.
Kim: Uh uh, uh uh. He hadn't noticed the similarities until his fifth year, when he happened to glance across the classroom at her and found her in more or less the same pose as his grandmother; smiling and chatting amiably. He's never seen her smile before.
Sequoia: Yeah, like, wait a second.
Kim: Usually she's frowning at him.
Sequoia: I mean, yeah. Everyone's always frowning at him.
Kim: Looking at him in disgust.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Because he's an abomination. [Sequoia laughs, then both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: Oh! That was when he noticed her teeth. Draco Malfoy noticing teeths.
Sequoia: Oh, what about her teeth?
Kim: Her teeth, which had not too long before been long, were then short, straight. So like his grandmother's.
Sequoia: Errrrrrr…
Kim: She’s got the same teeth as his grandma.
Sequoia: Nope, nope, no. Mm-mmm.
Kim: Do you know what your grandmother's teeth look like off the top of your head?
Sequoia: Not… No, no. He's gotta spend a lot of time staring at this picture.
Kim: I mean, wouldn't you? You're like, this is definitely a picture of me. What the fuck? You just stare at it like, how is this…? What is happening?
Sequoia: [laughs] Okay, yeah, I guess that’s valid.
Kim: Is it a curse? Is it like a Dorian Gray situation?
Sequoia: Ooh, yeah.
Both: [pause] No.
Kim: So like his grandmother's that it caused his heart to skip a beat.
Sequoia: That's weird.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: That's weird.
Kim: Yep. Just sitting in class noticing that Hermione’s teeth look like your grandmother's and that… immediately falling…
Both: … for her. Eurghhhh.
Kim: A passage of time.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Stupid. It was late at night and the moon was full. Draco had been sleeping on his cot, shivering against the cold under the tiny blanket. He heard two loud pops and was awake instantly, staring around the small room. None of his bunk mates seemed to have heard a thing, sleeping on like the logs, they were.
Sequoia: Urgh, other people!
Kim: Crabbe. Vincent. They’re logs! They have nothing. There’s nothing going for them. They are empty shells, masquerading as people. [Sequoia laughs] [muttering quietly] I don’t know, I don’t know where I’m going with that.
Sequoia: Valid. Sure, sure.
Kim: One was a woman, the other a man; both elderly. Although he couldn't see their faces, he felt immediately drawn to them and unafraid. The woman held her hand out to him and Draco took it. It was warm and familiar.
Sequoia: Is it… did… is… di… No, because…
Kim: What?
Sequoia: [laughs] Is it hi...? Did he… he can’t go back and take himself to go to…?
Kim: Why not?
Sequoia: [mumbling] To… to fulfill the thing that himself… the… uh…
Kim: Why not? Why not?
Sequoia: [confused, exasperated noises] Haaah! Haaah! Haaaaaaah! This is not how time travel works! Oh my God!
Kim: It is today.
Sequoia: This is hurting me.
Kim: A passage of time. They were in a bedroom somewhere. It was dark here and the elderly man's wand cast a larger pool of light across the floor. There were bookcases.
Sequoia: Hermione loves books.
Kim: The only character trait she has.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: Five of them, all heavily laden. Against the wall was a twin-sized bed, a large violet comforter draped across a solitary figure. Hold, wait.
Sequoia: What?
Kim: Draco was in his dormitory and Hermione’s in her bedroom?
Sequoia: Wait, what? Are they…? Oh, did they go to get Hermione?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Oh!
Kim: They disappeared from Draco's bedroom and they went to Hermione’s bedroom, but Draco was in…
Sequoia: His dormitory. And she just, like, she got a bed in the library. She sleeps in the library.
Kim: You know what, actually it doesn't seem... Maybe he wasn't in his dormitory, because he was sleeping on a cot under a tiny blanket.
Sequoia: I guess not then.
Kim: Where the hell was Draco?
Sequoia: Prison.
Kim: Mm. That's where he should be.
Sequoia: [laughs] Great.
Kim: Against the wall was a twin-sized bed, a large violet comforter draped across a solitary figure. “Hermione,” the man said. [Sequoia laughs] That’s an old man voice, right?
Sequoia: That was really good.
Kim: Thank you. This time offering his hand to the girl, who had also been awakened by the pops. She looked around curiously, as if in a dream, and took the man's hand. A passage of time. They were in a large, old house, overlooking the sea. It was early morning here; the woman had brought them each a cup of tea and placed a plate of biscuits before them. So hospitable to these children they've kidnapped.
Sequoia: Yeah, are they… this is like a really upsetting version of a blind date. [both laugh]
Kim: Future version of yourself kidnaps you and is like, have some biscuits!
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah. Oh no.
Kim: They ate in silence. The clock struck five and the elderly couple exchanged a look. “Do you have the photo, Draco?” the woman asked, holding out her hand.
Sequoia: Your old people voices are some… whatever.
Kim: Thank you. I try. [in the voice] Yes?
Sequoia: Keeps getting better!
Kim: He gave it to her and she smiled down at him. “Do you know who I am?” she asked. Draco nodded. “You’re my grandmother.” Was that...?
Sequoia: Yeah, that was good. But, like... what is happening?
Kim: Why is this story labeled mystery? There is no mystery about what's happening.
Sequoia: There’s no mystery, zero mystery. It has been laid out before us very plainly.
Kim: I think it’s been stated explicitly.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: She smiled. “And who am I to you Hermione?” she asked. The girl paused. “You’re me.”
Sequoia: [laughs] Brightest witch of her age.
Kim: “You're both correct,” the elderly man said…
Sequoia: Oh, Jesus Christ.
Kim: … drawing a chain from around his neck and setting it before them. “We are you.”
Sequoia: Oh my God. This is not how time travel works.
Kim: Don’t do it, don’t do it, guys. Don’t do this. This is a bad idea.
Sequoia: This is so not okay.
Kim: Draco nodded. “I thought so. But you're also my grandparents.” Am I reading it like Draco's too into it?
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah!
Kim: Well, he knows what's happening.
Sequoia: Yeah, he's always known.
Kim: He’s always known that he’s his own grandfather.
Sequoia: He’s like, this... I mean, I guess it'll just happen eventually. I'll just become my own grandfather at some point.
Kim: Or else time itself will collapse.
Sequoia: [laughs] No.
Kim: They're gonna form the most insane loop right now.
Sequoia: So… it's, like, not… no.
Kim: It's fine. The couple exchanged smiles and nodded. “True.” The girl looked questioningly at the chain on the table. “A time turner,” she said.
Sequoia: Argh! I should have just guessed that there was a time turner involved.
Kim: But that's like... well, no, it’s not. I've read another time travel st... [mutters quietly] time travel, oh my God.
Sequoia: Ah, yeah, it’s not…
Kim: The couple smiled. “And it is time for you to go and start your life together,” the man said.
Sequoia: Oh my God. You can't just do that.
Kim: Especially not to Hermione and Draco.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: There's no reason for Hermione to go along with this.
Sequoia: No. Unless the case were to be made that, like, if you don't do this, time itself will collapse.
Kim: But it's Draco's own doing. Like, just don't do it, Draco, and then Draco won't exist any more maybe, and the world will be a better place.
Sequoia: Valid... valid point. But what would we do without Draco?
Kim: Ahhh, that would be sad. “A thousand turns; no more, no less,” the woman said. She grasped both their hands in her own. And then, a passage of time. “We're in the past, fifty years before,” she said, looking at him. “I know.” Draco withdrew the photo from where he had replaced it in his pocket. “Granger, I’m my own grandpa.”
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh, really?! Oh!
Kim: Is that what’s happening?
Sequoia: Is that what the story’s about?
Kim: Ready?
Sequoia: I’m my own grandfather!
Kim: It’s time for chapter two, because this story is a two shot.
Sequoia: Two shot!
Kim: Her head was spinning from the vast amount of new information that had been dropped into her brain, much the same way one might drop a stone down a well. She was asleep, asleep, asleep! But no, she wasn't. [Sequoia starts laughing] She was awake. She was standing alongside Draco Malfoy... in the past, in a kitchen of a seaside cottage. She was destined to be his wife, his grandmother, his great great grandmother, his granddaughter-in-law, the mother of his father… [both burst into laughter]
Sequoia: Oh my God!
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Yes!
Kim: Yes. But also, no.
Sequoia: Yes!
Kim: Oh, yes?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: No. Yes?
Sequoia: [laughs] That is, like, the greatest way to put that, though. Like, I'm the… but I'm... but I'm... but I'm... but I’m…
Kim: And that’s when vomit shoots out, right?
Sequoia: Exactly! That’s when you start vomiting, I think. That's when I would start. I mean, I already vomited.
Kim: Duh! Why did Hermione go back in the past with him?
Sequoia: Because she was extremely disoriented by all this information.
Kim: Like, oh! Oh no, what’s happening? Oh no, now I'm in the past and I'm fucked.
Sequoia: Yeah, and like, oh, now I'm here in a kitchen in a seaside cottage and there's nothing I can do about it.
Kim: Shit. [mutters …mother of his father. [normal voice] It was a cycle, a never-ending cycle. She was caught. It was destiny. It was… [vomiting noise] no, that was me vomiting. [Sequoia laughs] Professor Trelawney had annoyed her to no end. What would the old bat say now? “Biology,” she thought to herself. “Genetics.” This was impossible. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Well, clearly fucking not, Hermione!
Kim: Because it...
Both: Already happened?
Sequoia: Oh my God. No, no, no, no.
Kim: This was an impossibility. One cannot be one's own grandparent; it does not work that way!
Sequoia: Thank you, Hermione! It doesn't work that way!
Kim: [laughs] But what if it did? [both laugh] Malfoy had moved to hold her hand.
Sequoia: What is happening?!
Kim: She shook him away. [Sequoia splutters and Kim laughs] Her precious facts. Her figures, her numbers, her knowledge. All gone to sea – whoosh! Into a tidepool, to live with the starfish and the anemones. She took hold of his hand again.
Sequoia: What? Wha...? Wha...? What?
Kim: She's given up.
Sequoia: Oh, that was real quick.
Kim: She's like, what's happening? Oh God, you’re... it... it’s… oh! Draco’s here! Okay. [both laugh]
Sequoia: What a beautiful love story.
Kim: “You're shaking,” he said, moving their hands under his nose for inspection. “I'm not,” she said. “I am,” she admitted.
Sequoia: I mean, I think you're allowed to be a little distraught.
Kim: Freaked out. Okay, yeah, distraught.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: [singing] Oh, everything is nonsense. [normal voice] “Granger,” he said, looking at her with pleading eyes. “You look nothing like me.”
Sequoia: Ummmm…
Kim: That’s a weird thing to say at this current moment, Draco.
Sequoia: It’s ‘cause she’s his grandma.
Kim: I guess Draco’s… Draco’s also having trouble processing. “Should I?” “You're my grandmother. More than that,” he said, unfolding and folding the photo he held in his hands. “Maybe not, no. Uh, maybe, maybe not!” [Sequoia laughs] Maybe I can still get out of this.
Sequoia: Oh God, try! Try to get out of it.
Kim: Do try! Just… just don't do it! Just leave!
Sequoia: Just let time collapse in on itself. It's fine!
Kim: Instead of having to look at Draco for one more second.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Genetics, genetics… Uhhh, genetics!
Sequoia: She's… she's just wigging out.
Kim: Just flipping out.
Sequoia: Oh, oh, okay, yeah.
Kim: “Your middle name?” he asked. “Jane,” she said.
Sequoia: Ohhh.
Kim: That’s not her middle name.
Sequoia: That’s not it. It’s close!
Kim: That's not your middle name. That’s closer than they usually get.
Sequoia: It is closer, but…
Both: Not it.
Kim: “Jane Malfoy,” he whispered, a hint of fear trickling through his voice. “Hermione Jane Malfoy,” he said. “I'm not!” she shouted. [both chuckle]
Sequoia: But you are already?
Kim: Clearly are! But... but I mean she could still… but can she?
Sequoia: But…
Kim: But what if? But… [vomiting noise]
Sequoia: Why did this have to happen at all in the first place? What was the…
Kim: Because it already did.
Sequoia: [yelling] No! That’s not how time works! Argh!
Kim: Look, Sequoia. Sometimes, time is more of a… you know… And then you…
Sequoia: Urghhhh! Yeah, uh huh, uh huh.
Kim: And then you... and then… and then it goes into the… and then you kinda wrap around the… and then it… and then, you're your own grandfather.
Sequoia: [laughs] No!
Kim: [laughs] There were a lot of hand motions in that last section.
Sequoia: Yeah. It was a really good visual bit, dude.
Kim: Was it?
Sequoia: It wasn't, no. It wasn't really good. [chuckles] Oh no!
Kim: “I'm not!” she shouted, tearing the photo away from him and staring into it. Two people. Two people their own age, with their own features. A girl with a freckle on her right arm just about the wrist… was them, them! “Tell me about your family, Malfoy. Please?”
Sequoia: Oh my God.
Kim: He stopped. [with great drama] “My father…” [both burst into laughter]
Sequoia: Uhhhh, yes!
Kim: I’m sorry, that’s not how he would’ve said it.
Sequoia: No, it's not, but I enjoy that you did that. Thank you.
Kim: It's the only way… maybe it is the way he said that, because it's the only way he can say that.
Sequoia: My father…
Kim: “My father was raised by friends of the family. My mother is of no consequence.”
Sequoia: Oh my God. You're stuck with that dude. You're stuck in a paradox with that dude forever.
Kim: Dude, you… this is, this is what you are. “My grandfather on my father's side, Draco Malfoy the First… the Only, I suppose.”
Sequoia: Argh!
Kim: “It's just me, Granger. Just me and you. You are Jane Malfoy, my grandmother, mother of my father. My… my…”
Sequoia: Oh God!
Kim: He... he was shaking. “If my father’s never born, I'm never born! Do you understand that?” He sat down, dropped down onto the ground, pale, pasty and shaking. “Shhhh”, [Sequoia bursts into laughter] she cooed, stroking his hair. “Shhhh.” They're both just flipping out.
Sequoia: Yeah, I mean rightfully so.
Kim: Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah, time for a mental breakdown. A passage of time. They walked along the side of the road. It was their house; they'd found the documentation. Before, it had belonged to Atticus Malfoy and before him, Malfoy after Malfoy after Malfoy. It made no sense. None. How had Draco Malfoy come to be? You know, I ask that a lot.
Sequoia: How did Draco Malfoy come to be?
Kim: Yeah. Why is he the way that he is?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: It's because he's his own grandfather. That's why.
Sequoia: So it… it seems to me like the previous owner, Atticus Malfoy, had no children. So…
Kim: Oh, maybe. That would be pretty obvious though, wouldn't it? How… they're gonna have to like, falsify a lot of records, because the wizarding community... community keeps pretty careful track of all the purebloods because they're racists.
Sequoia: Right! So…
Kim: So when a… when suddenly a new Malfoy appears…
Sequoia: But elderly… elderly Malfoy and elderly Hermione have apparently already taken care of all of this.
Kim: No, they don't, because they were elderly so they are from the current time period.
Sequoia: Um, I don't think you can really make the claim that time [Kim laughs] makes any difference.
Kim: Because they didn't travel in time. None of it makes any sense. A new Malfoy appears, nobody questions it, and then, you’re your own grandpa!
Sequoia: Yeaaaaaah. Well, they've already found the paperwork that they own this house, so…
Kim: The Malfoys own the house.
Sequoia: Okay? What? [Kim laughs] I can’t, I can’t! I can’t! It doesn’t make any sense!
Kim: Time! And then it goes under, and then it goes over, and then you kind of wrap back around three times...
Sequoia: [laughs] And that's what time is? Oh, okay!
Kim: And then… and then…
Both: You’re your own grandfather.
Sequoia: Oh my God.
Kim: How had Draco Malfoy come to be? The cycle: wife, grandmother, wife, grandmother, mother, daughter-in-law, circle, circle, circle! They have gone insane.
Sequoia: Oh my God!
Kim: It’s over! He squeezed her hand. A passage of time. “I'm not a pureblood, am I?”
Sequoia: Oh, he’s finally gotten there.
Kim: Now we’re to this... now we’re to this part. …he asked, as they sat at the bar of the sparkling and newly opened Leaky Cauldron. “I… I suppose not. Through your mother only, and yourself,” she said, sipping her drink.
Sequoia: No! But not himself!
Kim: “How can I be related to myself?” he asked. “How can I pass on my own lineage to myself?” [Sequoia laughs] “You're inbred,” she said. “Very.”
Sequoia: Oh! Eurgh. Eurgh.
Kim: Gross. “Oh, you kids and your philosophical discussions,” the bartender said, chuckling. They stared.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah. Like, well, what else would you think as the bartender? That these people are crazy, probably.
Kim: They clearly are!
Sequoia: Like, oh, all those poor young people have completely lost their minds! Oh no!
Kim: I'm your mother, but I’m also your grandmother, but also you’re your… and then... [panicked noise] [Sequoia laughs] I feel like, if it were me, I would just spend a lot of time screaming.
Sequoia: I mean, this is how they… this is how they fall in love, probably.
Kim: They both go insane?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I guess that's…
Sequoia: That’s the most valid reasoning behind Hermione…
Kim: For Hermione and Draco, they're both insane.
Sequoia: Actually, we have stumbled upon [Kim laughs] the most valid Draco and Hermione story.
Kim: Except why did Hermione go back at all?
Sequoia: She was mesmerized by the blah. She thought she was asleep, she…
Kim: Oh yeah. All right, all right, all right, all right!
Sequoia: Valid.
Kim: And then she's back in time and then she goes crazy. A passage of time. Draco hurried along, clutching the tiny parcel to him, hurrying, scurrying through the snowdrifts. He'd known it was coming as soon as he realized she had bought the dress, the dress from the photograph. As soon as she admitted she liked it here, with him. He liked her too.
Sequoia: Ummmmmm?
Kim: “Marry me?” he asked. Oh wait. Sorry, let me do that again. [more dramatically] “Marry me?” he asked. [Sequoia bursts into laughter] Her breath hitched as she took the gold band from him. “You had to ask?” They kissed. This is gross.
Sequoia: It just says, "They kissed?”
Kim: Yeah, they kiss. They're into it. They've both gone insane. It’s happening.
Sequoia: Oh my God! [whispers] What? What is this?
Kim: They lived together for a time, falling deeper into madness…
Sequoia: Right, obviously.
Kim: …and then Draco realized that he was predestined to ask her to marry him!
Sequoia: Ask her to marry him ‘cause she’d bought a dress, but she… but… she bought the dress because she had seen in the picture, but…
Kim: Had seen in the picture. But maybe she just bought it because she liked... but maybe it was because she had to… but…
Sequoia: But no, because she has… she has to buy the dress!
Kim: What is happening?
Sequoia: [staccato sing-song voice] What? This is not how time works!
Kim: [laughs] Whew! “It's a boy,” the healer announ…” Oh! A passage of time! [both laugh] They kissed; it’s a boy! [both still laughing]
Sequoia: That's not how that works either!
Kim: A passage of time! “It's a boy,” the healer announced, displaying a very pale child with straight blond hair.
Sequoia: Lucius Malfoy just popped out like that? With the hair?
Kim: Yeah, he’s always been like this. Just popped out. I’m born like this!
Sequoia: [laughs] Awesome.
Kim: “Lucius,” they said in unison. No use getting attached. No, no use at all.
Sequoia: [whispering] Oh my God!
Kim: [laughing] “He's his own grandpa,” Draco whispered into Hermione’s ear. She giggled. Why do they have to abandon Lucius?
Sequoia: What?
Kim: If they had kept him and raised him, things could’ve gone better!
Sequoia: But then Draco wouldn't have existed because in this version of time…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …everything is garbage and nothing makes sense. Uhhhh.
Kim: [laughs] How does time work?
Sequoia: There's no rule. Well, there's a lot of rules.
Kim: But the thing about... the thing about this is that it's just its own little cycle going over in the corner, not affecting anything else. It doesn't matter if Draco does anything because he doesn't affect anything.
Sequoia: But Lucius Malfoy does.
Kim: [muttering] Ah, fucking Lucius.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah, so if they had raised him better instead of being predestined to abandon him immediately…
Sequoia: Y’know, he... he probably could’ve still married Narcissa and still had Draco, even if he wasn’t evil, because Narcissa wasn’t…
Kim: And Draco wouldn’t have been a pile of shit!
Sequoia: Yeah. Oh my God. Oh my God, my brain hurts.
Kim: This… this… and then you marry Draco!
Sequoia: I apologize to all of our listeners right now for the headache that you probably have, trying to figure out HOW TIME WORKS!
Kim: [chuckling] Don’t bother. Draco’s his own grandfather.
Sequoia: I’m my own grandfather. Was that the end of the story?
Kim: No, there’s a little more.
Sequoia: Oh my Gooooood!
Kim: That would be an all right place to end. Anywho. A passage of time. “Hermione!”
Sequoia: This is so good.
Kim: A middle-aged man called, coming into the room with… Oh, he’s middle-aged.
Sequoia: Oh, that’s how middle-aged people talk too?
Kim: Whoops, my bad! I thought we’d gone farther in time. Let me try that again. “Hermione,” a middle-aged man called, coming into the room with a newspaper. “Yes?” a woman answered. “I was born today,” he announced.
Sequoia: Oh my God!
Kim: And they smiled down at the photograph of the baby. “Just nineteen more years then?” she asked. “Spot on,” he answered, kissing her. The end.
Sequoia: [yelling] What just… what? Don’t you! [laughs] So, I am upset.
Kim: Good!
Sequoia: And also really happy. [both laugh] I dunno.
Kim: Whew! You know, at this moment I’m confused enough to marry Draco! [both laugh]
Sequoia: They literally went crazy.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And then fell in love, and then were like, oh, we gotta go get ourselves, so that we can drive ourselves crazy so we’ll fall in love.
Kim: Because that’s the only way Dramione could happen! If they were both driven insane by a paradox! [both laugh]
Sequoia: I am... I am broken. What is happening right now?
Kim: Whew! Where was Draco at the beginning of the story? [both laugh]
Sequoia: Prison!
Kim: Maybe.
Sequoia: Oh my God, okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Okay. I’m gonna be thinking about this all day. Like, people are gonna be trying to order food from me at work, and I’m gonna be like, but you can’t be your own grandfather!
Kim: [laughs] He’s also his own… grandson.
Sequoia: Oh my God. [whispers] Oh my God. [normal] He also married his grandmother.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: Okay, so that… okay, and we’ve gotta... we’ve gotta… I could sit here in front of this microphone and just be confused for the next hour.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So why don’t you just give us a recommendation?
Kim: Oh, do I have to do that still?
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: I recommend THAT again. Read it again.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Oh jeez, I need something normal! So my recommendation this time, since I just read you some Draco/Hermione, I’m gonna rec a Draco/Hermione story.
Sequoia: [singing] Welcome to the club.
Kim: Here comes some Dramione. It’s called Only The Cold, and it’s told…
Sequoia: Oh yeah.
Kim: The reason that I liked it so much, it’s told from Crabbe’s perspective.
Sequoia: Oh! Yeah!
Kim: So, the link to that will be in the episode description.
Sequoia: Oh, I’m so stoked to read that. Excellent.
Kim: Whew! Yeah, it’s pretty... it’s pretty funny. [mumbling] I remember it being funny.
Sequoia: Okay! Well, if you would like to explain to us how time works, [Kim laughs] because we have lost all concept of that at this point…
Kim: Yeah, my brain’s a little fried.
Sequoia: …you could email us at fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Kim: Or explain to us how time works through any of our other social media channels. We’ve got Twitter, we’ve got Instagram, we’ve got Facebook: @FanaticalFics.
Sequoia: If you are confused enough right now to sss... give us some money… [both laugh]
Kim: That might be the worst Patreon plug yet!
Sequoia: I’m always trying to get… always trying to have the worst possible Patreon plug. [laughs] Yeah, we have a Patreon; the link is in the description of this episode. We do some stuff over there.
Kim: Yeah, and we have some written con… bonus written and audio content. You can also get one day early access to the podcast if you’re into that.
Sequoia: And some stickers and stuff.
Kim: Yeah! So, click on over to that if you’re interested.
Sequoia: But what really would be great is if you left us a review.
Kim: On iTunes or Facebook. Yeah, we like hearing from you.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I’m just so fried right now, I can’t function.
Sequoia: Yeah, I can’t think about… you CAN’T be your own grandfather! Oh my God.
Kim: Leave us a review.
Sequoia: Leave us a review.
Kim: I guess? Maybe not after this episode.
Sequoia: Wait ‘til the next one. Leave us a review. Also, if you read a lot of fanfiction, or a little bit of fanfiction, and you see something and you’re like, Kim has gotta see this…
Kim: I love fanfiction.
Sequoia: We love fanfiction, and we will read it if you submit it through our story submission form. The link is in the description of this episode.
Kim: Yeah, so… I think that’s everything.
Sequoia: I think that’s it. To, you know…
Kim: My brain’s not working right now. I need a drink. [Sequoia laughs] Oh yeah! There is one more thing we need to announce, I guess.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Next time on the podcast, we’re having another guest.
Sequoia: We’re very, very excited to have Anna Brisbin, AKA Brizzy Voices, coming on the podcast.
Kim: Cool. All right.
Sequoia: Thanks to the Whomping Willows for our theme song – it is their amazing song Wolfstar.
Kim: Thanks for listening.
Sequoia: Bye.