Episode 21: Rise of the Phoenix Lord (Feat. Colin)
We brought back your third favorite guest (your favorite two time guest) Colin! Join us as we discover the true identity of the Phoenix Lord and slam the ministry for unfair trials and a lack of checks and balances.
Recommendation: A Night in the Life of James Potter
https://archiveofourown.org/works/319014?view_adult=true
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Belinda
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Kim: Look.
Sequoia: There’s some in there.
Kim: Can I talk about how… what I love about fanfiction? [laughter]
Sequoia: God!
Colin: Yes. I say yes.
Sequoia: Okay, wait. No. We can’t do a joke that you did before we turned the mics on.
Kim: We’ve done that before.
Sequoia: Have we? Have we done that before? Oh, we have done that before.
Kim: We’ve done that before.
Sequoia: Okay, fine. Say your joke. Say it.
Kim: [laughs] No, I can’t do it. [Kim and Sequoia laugh] Ohhhhhh.
Sequoia: Hey guys.
Colin: Hmm?
Sequoia: Do you know what Kim loves about…
Kim: No, you can’t say it. That’s mine! [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, then you say it! You say the joke.
Kim: Urghh, but now I’ve ruined it.
Sequoia: We’ve all ruined it.
Kim: It wasn’t funny to begin with.
Sequoia: We’ll tweet it. We’ll tweet the joke. [Kim laughs] If you want to know what the joke was, [holding back laughter] check twitter.
[Theme music (Wolfstar by The Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start to confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Simone: Hello, I am Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I’m Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where. To. Find. Them. Yeah.
Kim: It’s our podcast about Harry Potter fanfiction.
Colin: Woohoo.
Kim: And today we brought back on our old buddy old pal. Your favorite guest. [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: Number one champ.
Kim: That's been on twice.
Colin: Number one…
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah. You’re…
Kim: As of today.
Sequoia: ...the number one guest. [laughing]
Colin: The number one… everyone… fan favorite guest star.
All: It's Colin.
Kim: Everyone.
Colin: Thank you for having me back.
Sequoia: We sounded so excited about it.
Kim: Look. Here's the thing. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Colin: [pause] Yeah? Was there a…
Sequoia: Was there a thing?
Colin: I’m beginning to doubt…
Sequoia: How are you at…
Colin: ...that there was ever a thing.
Sequoia: Are you good at podcasting?
Kim: Urghhhh. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Are any of us really good at podcasting?
Colin: No, we’re not good at podcasting. It’s a learning thing.
Sequoia: It's getting really [pause] low. The voice ra… the vocal range is getting really low.
Colin: Yeah, it’s getting real bassy.
Sequoia: It’s getting really sombre.
Kim: Oh. [laughs] Are we gonna… are we gonna take it down? Take it down a few… take it down a few more.
Sequoia: Take it down a notch. Everybody take a deep breath in.
Kim: [deep voice] This is late night fanfictionnn.
Sequoia: [laughing] No, this is a bad joke.
Colin: Welcome back to the… one or three… four fanfiction. [Kim laughs] This is…
Kim: [laughs] [higher, but still very gentle] Me spinning some sick fanfictions for you today. It's my public radio voice. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, I was like that got higher.
Kim: This is my public radio voice.
Sequoia: Excellent. Late night…
Kim: It’s not my late night…
Sequoia: ...to public radio.
Kim: Yeah, I've got… I’ve got range. We’ve all seen.
Colin: We’ve got a John Coltrane album played backwards.
Sequoia: Act one. Draco Malfoy. [Colin and Kim laugh] Heyyyy that's a public radio joke.
Kim: Niiice.
Colin: That was a pub… that was good.
Sequoia and Kim: Ummmm.
Kim: What else? Oh, today. So here's another fun fact. Today, as of this recording, today is the twentieth anniversary of the Battle of Hogwarts.
Colin: Ahhhh.
Sequoia: It's very true.
Colin: Happy birthday.
Kim: We're recording on May second. So…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That's kind of neat.
Sequoia: Did you say happy birthday?
Colin: I did say happy birthday to the Battle of Hogwarts.
Sequoia: It's sad.
Kim: It's… it’s… it’s happy death day.
Sequoia: It’s… it’s sad. It’s… this is a…
Kim: To everyone.
Sequoia: I'm sorry, Colin, this is a sad thing.
Colin: It’s like on Memorial Day when you're like oh, happy… happy Memorial Day, everybody.
Kim: And then… and then you get to wear…
Sequoia: Yeah, but you said happy birthday, which is like the literal opposite. [Colin laughs]
Kim: Is Memorial Day the one that you wear white after?
Sequoia: [laughing] That’s Labor Day.
Colin: No, that’s Labor Day.
Kim: Do I just wear…
Colin: Speaking of Labor Day…
Kim: Do I just wear black all the time?
Colin: Speaking of labor and anniversaries…
Kim: What?
Colin: Karl Marx's two hundredth birthday is coming up. [Kim laughs]
Sequoia: Oh my goooood.
Colin: So happy birthday Karl.
Sequoia: What is happening?
Colin: This one's for you. We’re spinning this one for you. It’s a little Pete Seeger.
Kim: Nothing's… nothing’s being spun. [Sequoia laughs] Nothing's being spun.
Sequoia: What’s happening to this podcast?
Kim: Spinning out of control.
Sequoia: [laughing] I… can I do a weird shout out thing?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Okay, so la… so one time I shouted out and I was like, oh my gosh, a person in this place is going… is listening to the podcast. Tweet at us. And they did.
Kim: Yeah. That was awesome.
Sequoia: So I'd like to do that again. Except this time there's like several cities in Texas…
Kim: Oh yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: …where lots of people are listening to the podcast. So if you're listening to the podcast from Texas, tweet at us.
Kim: What up? How's Texas?
Colin: Which cities in Texas? Yeah, how’s Texas?
Sequoia: I was just there. I was just in Austin like a couple of weeks ago.
Kim: Oh, was it just you listening to it a lot?
Sequoia: No! [Colin and Kim laugh]
Colin: From…
Sequoia: Which I think is… was happening with New Zealand somehow. Like somebody’s... I don't know. I don't know.
Kim: That was just you.
Sequoia: Unless… hey! If you're listening from New Zealand…
Kim: And you're not Sequoia.
Sequoia: Tweet at us! And you're not me. Anyway. Yeah, Texas. Get at us.
Kim: What up?
Sequoia: What up?
Colin: We wanna know who you are.
Kim: Do we have any new reviews that we need to shout out for?
Sequoia: We don't have any new reviews.
Kim: Okay. Moving on.
Sequoia: I guess we read fanfiction on this podcast, I think? Is that what we...?
Kim: That doesn’t… that doesn’t sound right? That doesn’t sound like…
Colin: Are… are… are the legends true?
Kim: That doesn't sound like a podcast format that would be very interesting.
Colin: No it doesn’t sound like something that would be successful or… or yeah.
Sequoia: I mean…
Colin: I want a podcast.
Kim: Well, here it is.
Colin: No, no, I want MY podcast.
Sequoia: No, no, this is our podcast.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: I mean my podcast. I mean our podcast. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: Jesus Christ. I feel like we're doing worse today than normal.
Sequoia: Ohhhh. Derailed.
Colin: Today’s a little bit off for me.
Kim: Aw.
Colin: Tired. I had a real stressful day, but I also didn't get anything done.
Kim: Good. [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: So it’s just a bad day. All around.
Kim: Well, you know what cures a bad day?
Sequioa: Some…
Kim: Some weird ass fanfiction.
Sequoia: Hell yeah!
Colin: It’s good for…
Kim: Ass fanfiction. No, it's not that. I just can't… I just… that's just like a… that's just like a knee jerk.
Sequioa: You gotta…
Kim: I can't not do it. [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: That was a good segue. I was all ready for it.
Kim: Oh, the seg... oh, I'm talking about the... never mind.
Colin: Oh. [Sequoia laughs] I was spacing out for a sec.
Sequoia: You can't… you cannot point out segues to Kim.
Colin: Oh.
Sequoia: She doesn't…
Colin: Panics?
Sequoia: She panics, and it's… I mean, I try to do them all the time. [Kim laughing] I really do. Listeners, I'm really good at podcasting. [Colin and Kim laugh]
Sequoia: And really, Kim here is sort of a handicap to me in this podcasting format.
Kim: [laughing] I’m just… I’m just a…
Colin: You can’t call ‘em handicaps any more.
Kim: ...anchor. Just draggin’ us down.
Colin: Draggin’!
Sequoia: Draggin’ us down.
Colin: Now, speaking of dragons.
Kim: Nope. [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: I have a story for you.
Kim: Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.
Sequoia: Can…
Kim: Okay, here’s the thing. I'm going to read a fanfiction. [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: I got one. I have it.
Sequoia: Can we predict…?
Kim: I’ve got it.
Sequoia: Can we predict to what it’s going to be like?
Kim: Yeah. Yep. Yep. Yep. [laughs] You can.
Sequoia: Were you not ready?
Kim: Do you wanna talk about…?
Sequioa: Do you not remember…
Kim: No, I know what's happening. So you gotta... you gotta... you gotta do well today. Although here's the thing. Neither of you are going to do well, because you're not ready for this shit. [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: Excellent.
Kim: Are you ready? Here we go. And as always, listeners, we love hearing your predictions. Please send them to us through whatever medium you would like.
Sequoia: Tweet them at us. Facebook them.
Kim: Send me a…
Kim and Colin: Carrier pigeon.
Sequoia: [pause] That was creepy.
Colin: That was easy.
Sequoia: Don't do that…
Kim: Are you sure?
Sequoia: ...without me. That was... I feel left out about it.
Colin: Carrier pigeon was inevitable.
Sequoia: Was it?
Kim: Telegram?
Colin: [beeps like morse code] Oh no. The Titanic sank again. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Or the thing where the… where the planes write.
Sequoia and Colin: Sky writing?
Kim: Whatever.
Sequoia: Okay, but the moral of the story is…
Kim: I was thinking of the Titanic. [laughs]
Colin: Semaphore. Get out your flags.
Sequoia: Why are we thinking about semaph…
Colin: Just semaphore it at me.
Sequoia: [whispering] Jesus fucking Christ.
Kim: [laughing] The moral of the story is, send us your predictions. We like them. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: Ohhhhh. Okay. What are you reading? Tell me about it. Tell me some stuff.
Colin: Please god. Tell us. Move it forward. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: The title is Return of the Phoenix Lord.
Sequoia: Yeahhhh!
Colin: That sounds dope!
Kim: The genre… the genre is adventure/romance.
Colin: Yes, please.
Sequoia: [inhales] I love a good adventure/romance story!
Kim: Whoooo!
Colin: I hope this has like twelve chapters, and they’re each like…
Sequoia: Did you want to…
Kim: It seemed like it was planned to have a bunch of chapters, but it was only two chapters. Give me three predictions.
Sequoia: Ohhhhh shit.
Kim: Return…
Colin: Return…
Kim: ...of the Phoenix Lord.
Sequoia: Return of the Phoenix Lord is going to be… so I'm thinking since, like, Voldemort is the Dark Lord…
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: ...then the Phoenix Lord has to be some sort of opposite to Voldemort.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: So I'm thinking the Phoenix Lord is like a reincarnation of Godric Gryffindor.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: I'm thinking that in order for them to have to return, that Voldemort still needs to be in power. So I'm going to go with… it takes place while Harry is in his seventh year.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And I'm going to say that none of the trio are the main character of this story.
Kim: Mmmmm.
Sequoia: They are side characters.
Kim: Nice. All right, those are good. Those are real good. I like ‘em.
Colin: All right, I'm going to cover the other end of the spread and go [clicks fingers] real crazy here. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: I love it.
Colin: Just from the title and the genre. I want this... this is more of what… how I want it to be than how I think it’s going to turn out.
Sequoia: It often is. Yeah.
Kim: Those are… those are… those are my favorite predictions.
Colin: Yeah.
Kim: And then I write a fanfiction about that. [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: Then I want this to be like the couture of… of Harry Potter.
Kim: Okayyy. Oh, like… like really…
Colin: Where it’s like in the past.
Kim: Okay. All right.
Colin: Like way in the past.
Kim: All right.
Colin: This is like the medieval times of Harry Potter.
Kim: Mmmmm.
Sequoia: Ahhhhhh. Okay. All right.
Kim: ‘Kay. Cool.
Colin: Because it’s got that title. It's got like the medieval romance title.
Kim: Cool. So it's gonna be set way in the deep dark past.
Colin: Yes.
Kim: Nice.
Colin: Yeah.
Kim: Give me two more. Just make some predictions that aren't related to that. Say like…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: Okay.
Kim: It's gonna take place in this location, or…
Colin: Okay.
Kim: This spell’s gonna pop up.
Colin: Or…
Kim: I don't know.
Colin: [laughing] This spell’s gonna pop up?
Sequoia: Yeah. Or you could be like Gina and just guess that there's pumpkin juice in it every time except the time there's pumpkin juice in it.
Kim: Gina, we love youuuuu! [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: Well, since pumpkins are a new world crop, I'm gonna have to…
Kim: Oh my god.
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh my god!
Colin: ...go with no on that one.
Kim: I hate you so much sometimes. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Why did we let him come back?
Colin: Okay. Then I guess this will have the real OGs in it. It'll have Godric Gryffindor and…
Kim: Nice
Colin: And…
Kim: Good.
Colin: Salazar Slytherin and that crew. Ummm… there's gonna be a real phoenix in it.
Sequoia: Yes!
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: That’s a great prediction.
Colin: And the phoenix does…
Kim: No, that’s enough.
Colin: Does die and come back to life. No, that’s good. I want to be specific.
Sequoia: Okay, well, this… no, that was too specific.
Kim: That was too specific. But that's good anyway.
Sequoia: Fine.
Kim: All right, cool. So there are our predictions, listeners. Send us yours. And before I jump into this, I am going to put a fairly medium disclaimer on it. This was a long story… longer story when I found it. And it was not well written. It's not. So I have fairly heavily edited this. I tried to keep with the style and meaning that the original author was going for, but I cut about half of it out.
Colin: Wow.
Kim: So that's my disclaimer.
Sequoia: All right, let's get into it.
Colin: Sounds good.
Kim: All righty.
Colin: [whispering] I have no idea what's going to happen.
Kim: Chapter One: An Assassin in Hogwarts.
Sequoia: Yeeeees!
Kim: Brian was in the Hogwarts hospital wing, and was mentally cursing himself for being careless. He knew Dumbledore would surely question him, since for the past eight months, he had been fighting against the Death Eaters alone. The public called him Death Angel, which he found kind of funny.
Sequoia: [snickering] Me too, Brian. Me too. [everyone laughs] Oh man.
Colin: Yeah. Okay, well, I think all my predictions are out the window. Except maybe the last one.
Sequoia: You can call me Death Angel.
Kim: Fine. Death Angel!
Sequoia: Also, why is Brian fighting all by himself?
Kim: [whispers] We’ll get to it.
Sequoia: Oh my gosh, okay.
Kim: Even the Ministry had been trying to discover his true identity. Now he was in deep trouble. If Dumbledore used a truth potion, his secrets would come out, and he could not let that happen. He climbed off the bed and changed into his clothes, and, taking both of his Japanese swords, he silently left the hospital.
Colin: Yes. Yes. Yes please. Yes please. [Kim laughs]
Sequoia: Yes. Yes! [everyone laughs]
Kim: Got some… got some Japanese swords.
Colin: That’s two of them!
Kim: Mysterious assassin!
Sequoia: So he is the assassin. We've got… it’s Brian, but his name’s not Brian.
Kim: Oh. Definitely not.
Sequoia: He’s name is not Brian.
Kim: Definitely not.
Sequoia: Okay. And he’s got… YES! Okay.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: YES!
Kim: All right, all right, all right. Taking both his Japanese swords, he silently left the hospital wing with his hood covering his face. He walked quickly, hoping no one would be at the main entrance. He was just about to slip out of the main door when a voice he knew too well said… Here we go. I'm gonna bust out a new voice here. Are you guys ready?
Sequoia: Ohhhh yeah! Yeah!
Kim: [clearly enunciating a southern American voice] “Stop right there.” [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Colin: [laughing] One more. One more time please. One more time.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: Can we get that again?
Kim: [laughs] “Stop right there.” [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: Are you doing…
Sequoia: Does that person have a southern accent?
Colin: Are you doing George Bush?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Oh!
Kim: I’m doing an impression of a bad impression of George W. Bush. Thank you very much. Colin got it. [Colin and Sequoia laugh] Now, what character am I doing that for?
Colin: [laughing] How? Who is this?
Sequoia: Who? Wait. What? What character is George W. Bush?
Kim: Cursing his luck, Brian turned around to face Minister Fudge.
Sequoia: Oh. My. God. Oh my god. [everyone laughs]
Colin: A treat for the ears. [everyone keeps laughing]
Kim: Minister Fudge. He was not alone. Beside him stood Dumbledore, Snape, McGonagall and Lupin. [same voice used for Fudge throughout] “Could you follow us? We would like to ask you some questions.” [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: It’s getting better.
Sequoia: It's pretty good.
Colin: Getting more George Bush.
Sequoia: [laughting] I… I…
Colin: It’s getting very like…
Kim: I feel like it's a good… never mind. I'm not gonna get into why I'm doing it. Draw your own parallels!
Sequoia: Politics!
Kim: Brian just nodded his head and followed them. He could see Remus trying to find his scent, but thanks to a potion and a powerful charm, he did not have one.
Sequoia: [southern accent, laughing] He didn’t smell like anythin’! [Kim laughs]
Colin: He didn’t have any scent?
Kim: No scent.
Sequoia: I think that's fairly suspicious. [Colin laughs] You gotta have some scent, you’re…
Kim: He’s a… he’s a mysterious assassin.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: He doesn’t fart.
Colin: [laughs] He doesn’t… he's never farted.
Sequoia: I'm try… I’m wondering if Brian is like an undercover student.
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: At Hogwarts.
Kim: Hmm.
Colin: Like he's really forty five?
Kim: We're getting there. We’re gonna…
Colin: Okay.
Kim: I think like the next sentence is going to tell us who he is.
Sequoia: Or an undercover teen.
Kim: Maybe not the next sentence. In a couple sentences.
Sequoia: How many 30 Rock episo… references can we make in one episode?
Colin: Hello fellow teens. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: Hello fellow teens.
Kim: He did not…
Colin: We could make a lot. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: He did not have one. He didn't want any animals or animagi to be able to trail his scent and discover his identity. Snape was looking at him, too, probably expecting him to kill all of them and run away. He wondered what their reaction would be if they found out that he was in fact Harry Potter, the boy who lived.
Sequoia and Colin: Ahhhhh!
Sequoia: Damn it! [Kim laughs] I was so hoping for my thing.
Kim: For not Harry?
Sequoia: Damn it!
Colin: Brian, AKA Death Angel.
All: AKA The Boy Who Lived.
Sequoia: In Gryffindor tower.
Colin: [laughing] In Gryffindor tower. Ahhhhh.
Kim: He was supposed to be starting his seventh year.
Sequoia: Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Kim: That’s it. Nicely done.
Sequoia: There it is. [sings] There it is! There it…
Colin: That was very good.
Kim: Proud of you.
Colin: I'm just disappointed it wasn't mine.
Kim: Proud of you.
Sequoia: I hate you. [everyone laughs]
Kim: He was supposed to be starting his seventh year in two weeks, but instead he had become an assassin who hunted down Death Eaters. [everyone laughs]
Colin: Like that's an elective.
Sequoia: Yeah. [Kim still laughing] This is good training for later when he becomes a bounty hunter. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Oh my god. Don’t talk to me about bounty hunters. [everyone laughs] He thought back to the summer just before his fifth year, that turned his world upside down.
Sequoia: Ohhhhhhh.
Kim: FLASHBACK. [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: Does it say flashback?
Kim: Yes, it does.
Colin: Oh good. Yes.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: A scream startled Harry awake. Taking his wand, he rushed downstairs, and to his shock he found his relatives dead, apparently killed by the killing curse.
Colin: No.
Kim: He must have been standing there for some time in shock, since he did not notice the arrival of six aurors and the Minister himself.
Sequoia: [snickering] Oh my god.
Colin: [laughs] Just getting in… getting in character.
Kim: “So it was you then?” [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: No. You…
Kim: Did I lose it?
Sequoia: Ohhhhh. They think that he killed his family.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: The Dursleys?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: ‘Cause that's like…
Kim: I mean…
Sequoia: I mean, I see where you’re coming from on that one.
Colin: How accurate were those blaster marks? [Kim laughs] Is my question.
Sequoia: Oh god. No, no.
Kim: It’s too accurate.
Sequoia: This is a pop culture podcast.
Colin: It’s too accurate for sand people.
Kim: Harry started at this accusation from the minister. “No, I… I didn't do it. I heard a scream and I came.” But Harry never got to finish, since at that moment the Minister took his wand and snapped it in half.
Sequoia: [gasps] What the fuck? Okay. This is… okay.
Colin: That explains the swords. [Kim laughs]
Sequoia: Innocent until proven guilty.
Kim: I mean…
Colin: Not under wizard law.
Kim: When has the wizarding world ever done that?
Colin: Yeah.
Sequoia: He has had a trial…
Colin: When have they ever acted consistently?
Sequoia: Harry’s had trials!
Kim: Yeah, but…
Colin: They're… they’re… they’re show. They’re kangaroo trials. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: That’s… yeah. Come on. [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: It’s a kangaroo court.
Kim: Fudge is… Fudge is… Especially after like… like fifth year Fudge, even.
Colin: [laughing] Fifth year Fudge.
Kim: You could see him kind of trumping up charges against Harry, and if it was a murder? Maybe he would react…
Sequoia: Yeahhhh, okay.
Kim: You know, don't worry about it.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Kim: Harry couldn't remember what happened next, but he woke up in a courtroom. He looked around and saw the Weasleys and all of his professors. They were glaring at him. He realized that they must believe that he killed his relatives.
Sequoia: So he does get a trial!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: But they just snapped his wand first.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Fuckin’ assholes.
Colin: Wizard… wizard justice.
Kim: [laughing] You know.
Sequoia: Wizard INjustice.
Colin: Yeah. [laughs] Wizard injustice. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: He realized they must believe that he killed his relatives. He felt betrayed. How could they do this to him? And he was so lost in thought that he didn't hear the charges, but he was sentenced to fifty years in Azkaban.
Sequoia: Whaaaat?
Kim: Harry didn't listen to the trial.
Colin: [laughs] He was just…
Kim: He didn't defend himself.
Sequoia: That’s just… that’s just classic… this is classic fucking Harry Potter.
Kim: Yeah. He's like, well, everybody really hates me now.
Colin: Is Hermione gonna to come and defend me? [groans] [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: Somebody gonna help me?
Colin: Why isn’t she doing this for me?
Sequoia: Right? [Kim laughs] Hermione walks in with a little like… little lawyer outfit.
Colin: Yeah with the… a suit jacket.
Sequoia: Yeah. A wig.
Kim: Sure, why not? [Colin laughs] Fine. Oh, yeah, because they... never mind. [Colin and Sequoia laugh] The dementors affected him strongly, but even that could not hold him long. Within a month he was able to escape, since he was an animagus. A black panther, to be exact.
Sequoia: [screaming] Oh! Oh! Ohhhhh!
Colin: Ohhhhh!
Kim: WAKANDA FOREVER! [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: Or whatever.
Colin: Awesome. I like this.
Sequoia: I like how powerful Harry is…
Colin: Yeah. He is. This is…
Sequoia: ...in this story, because...
Colin: This is Harry unchained.
Sequoia: Right. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah.
Colin: Harry…
Kim: This is a fanfiction trope that I love. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: Where Harry's actually good at some shit?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeahhhh!
Colin: [laughing] Where he’s good at katanas.
Kim: I love it.
Sequoia: Yeah, where'd he get the swords? Let's go.
Colin: Yeah. Where’d he get the swords?
Kim: [laughs] For days he ran, until he fainted in a forest.
Colin: Awww.
Kim: He remembered waking up surrounded by elves. [Sequoia gasps] And they of course took care of him. The Queen even treated him like a son.
Sequoia: [long pause] Um.
Colin: I don't think we got enough time on the elves. [laughs]
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah. I’m gonna…
Colin: Can we back up?
Sequoia: Can we…?
Colin: Can we…?
Kim: What do you mean? He found some elves.
Colin: He found some elves.
Kim: And they of course took care of him.
Sequoia: No.
Colin: And they of course took care of him.
Sequoia: The elves found him.
Kim: Oh right. Right, right.
Sequoia: And…
Colin: So these are Lord of the Rings elves?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: A hundred percent.
Colin: This is what… this is what’s happening. Okay.
Sequoia: He found Rivendell.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: On accident. [Colin laughs]
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Umm.
Kim: Yep.
Colin: They sang a bunch of songs. It was kinda weird.
Sequoia: Did they give him the swords? [everyone laughs]
Kim: It was there his new life began.
Colin: [laughs] Okay.
Kim: Six months after his escape, the Ministry caught someone impersonating him. It was none other than Wormtail. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: What a dick.
Kim: They learned the truth of his innocence, but he was not planning on forgiving them.
Colin: Okay.
Kim: Vengeance is coming. [laughs]
Sequoia: Wait. Okay, So they found out…
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: ...that he didn't do it.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Because Wormtail was impersonating him.
Kim: Yeah. In his house…
Sequoia: Months later?
Kim: ...still? [laughing] I don’t know.
Sequoia: [laughs] That is a hundred percent unclear. Fudge is like, oh, we found Harry Potter again. He’s…
Colin: How is he…
Sequoia: Oh, that's Wormtail. Was it Wormtail the whole time?
Colin: How is Wormtail impersonating a seventeen year old?
Sequoia: Did we give that kid a fair trial?
Kim: Polyjuice potion?
Colin: I guess.
Kim: [laughs] Whoops.
Colin: You’re going to run out of hair follicles eventually.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: [laughs] You would think.
Colin: [pause] Not important.
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: Hmm.
Colin: He's got a lot of Harry's DNA for some reason.
Kim: [laughing] I mean, he slept in his room.
Sequoia and Kim: For years.
Sequoia: [pause] We've talked about those dormitories. [Colin and Kim laugh] We've talked about what goes on in there.
Colin: [still laughing] That’s true. That’s true. You just get used to it.
Kim: Anywayyyy. [pause] That’s why Harry’s hair always looks so fucked up. [Sequoia laughs] Being cut in the middle of the night by a rat. [everyone laughs]
Colin: Oh, with the scissors.
Kim: Tiny little rat scissors. [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Colin: Or just normal human sized scissors. [Kim laughs]
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: Or whatever.
Colin: [laughing] That’s… that’s not important. That’s not important to the story.
Sequoia: A rat with human sized scissors. [Kim laughs] Yeah, like Ratatouille. [everyone laughs]
[several seconds of incomprehensible laughing and talking]
Colin: Course he’s going to let Ron…
Sequoia: Is this where you imagined this conversation would go?
Colin: Yeah. Better fanfiction alert. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Oh no.
Colin: Let’s… let’s write that one.
Kim: Do it!
Colin: Oh you know… you know I don’t do things.
Kim: Okay. [exhales] For a year and a half the elves trained him in wandless magic, martial arts, elvish magic and how to use a sword.
Sequoia: Man! They’re powered up as fuck.
Kim: He had eighteen months. [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: No, but like the elves.
Kim: Oh, yeah.
Sequoia: The elves...
Colin: The elves…
Sequoia: They just know everything.
Kim: Yeah, they're elves.
Sequoia: [pause] Martial arts.
Kim: He learned a lot of things and mastered two additional animagus forms, a phoenix and a dragon.
Colin: [laughs] He learned a lot of things.
Sequoia: Ohhhh.
Colin: And mastered two additional things.
Kim: He's doing so well.
Colin: He's now a hibachi chef as well. [Kim and Sequoia laugh loudly]
Kim: Yep. Yep, yep, yep, yep. END FLASHBACK.
Colin: Hmmm.
Sequoia: I need a like a… a fan film of this.
Kim: It’s good.
Sequoia: I need it.
Kim: It’s good.
Colin: A little montage. Paris time with the elves.
Kim: Did you think it’s… [sings Eye of the Tiger] It’s the eye of…
Colin: Yeah. definitely. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Oh yeah. ‘Kay. Checking.
Colin: [sings You’re the Best] It’s the best! Around! [everyone laughs]
Kim: Harry stopped walking as they reached the entrance to Dumbledore's office. “Cockroach Cluster.” Well, some things have not changed, he thought. [Sequoia laughs in a posh, sarcastic way] Yes?
Sequoia: [posh voice] Some things never change. [Kim laughs]
Colin: Man, this whole thing has an implicit soundtrack. Now it’s like [sings The Boys Are Back In Town] The boys are back in town! The boys are back in town! [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: Harry walked up the stairs into the familiar room. He looked at Fawkes and wondered whether the phoenix could recognize him. Then he noticed a door that he had never seen before. Dumbledore opened the door and went in, followed by the others. Harry followed them, knowing that he couldn't run away now. The room was large, and there were about thirty people in it. Some of them were aurors he knew of. He also noticed his professors, the Weasleys, and some other people he had seen before.
Sequoia: Is this a new trial?
Kim: And he realized that this must be the Order of the Phoenix.
Sequoia and Colin: Ohhhhh.
Kim: [laughs] That was great.
Sequoia: He is the phoenix now!
Kim: Yeah! Phoenix time. [Colin makes a bird call sound]
Sequoia: Yeah!
Colin: [snickering] Phoenix power.
Kim: Kapew! [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: I hope that's the noise it makes when he transforms into a phoenix.
Kim: Ohhhhh.
Sequoia: Kapewww!
Kim: Harry Potter make up. No.
Sequoia: No, no.
Kim: Magical girl transformation?
Colin: No.
Sequoia: Hmmmm?
Kim: All right. Whatever. [Colin and Sequoia laugh] Just what he needed. More people who wanted to discover his identity. He saw that Ron, Hermione…
Colin: Wait, what was…
Kim: What?
Colin: How is he disguised now? Wait.
Sequoia: He’s Brian!
Kim: He’s… he’s Brian.
Colin: Oh, he’s still Brian? Okay.
Sequoia: Yeah, we went back… there was a flashback. Remember the flashback?
Colin: Oh.
Sequoia: And then we were back.
Kim: It called… it keeps calling him Harry, though.
Colin: Yeah, I was... okay. No, no, no.
Kim: It called him Brian at the beginning, and then…
Colin: I forgot completely about Brian. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: What was happening? [laughs]
Colin: Amongst the elves. The elf queen. And I assume he married the daughter of the elf queen.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: We can only assume.
Kim: Fine.
Colin: Yeah, and then there was a… there was a tasteful off camera love scene. [Sequoia laughs] This is all part of my…
Sequoia: The entire…
Kim: The entire romance is off screen.
Sequoia: ...cast is off track for the tasteful off screen…
Colin: Well, it’s off camera so, you know.
Kim: But is there music as it's panning away?
Colin: Yeah, obviously it's flutes.
Sequoia and Kim: Oh okay. [everyone laughs for a long time]
Kim: ‘Kay.
Colin: What? That wasn’t part of your montage?
Kim: Just what he needed. More people who wanted to discover his identity. He saw that Ron, Hermione, Cho and to his surprise, Blaise Zabini…
Sequoia: Yeeeess!
Colin: Yeahhhh. [someone snaps their fingers]
Kim: [laughing] ...and Draco Malfoy were part of the Order.
Sequoia: Ohhhhh.
Kim: He noticed Hermione was looking at him with a curious expression, and he glared at her as he went to take a seat. That girl never learned to keep out of other people's business, he thought.
Sequoia: Whaaat?
Colin: Oh, telling it like it is.
Sequoia: Yeah. Never…
Kim: Hermione.
Sequoia: ...learned how to stop…
Kim: Stop.
Sequoia: ...saving your goddamn ass.
Colin: And writing all of your essays.
Kim: Stop wondering about who this mysterious assassin is, Hermione.
Sequoia: Yeah. That everyone's wondering about, who was brought to you to be wondered about. [Kim laughs]
Colin: Who’s the guy with the scar and two swords strapped to his back?
Kim: [laughs] Looks familiar. Hmm.
Colin: Hmm.
Sequoia: He's disguised himself, but he can't get rid of the scar, so it just takes a new shape.
Colin: He's just got a mustache.
Kim: Yeah, he’s just got a mustache, I'm pretty sure. [Sequoia laughs] Just Harry with a mustache.
Colin: I'm Brian. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Everyone’s like, yeah, all right.
Sequoia: You look like Harry. [deep voice] I’m Brian.
Colin: From Canada.
Kim: [laughing] From Elftown. [everyone laughs]
Colin: From… from Elfland. Exchange student.
Sequoia: I hail from Rivendell. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Dumbledore stood up and began to address the crowd. “As you've noticed, we have a guest with us today. And I know we all have a lot of questions. So Mr…?” Dumbledore turned to Harry. Harry narrowed his eyes at Dumbledore. What is he trying to do? Harry thought.
Sequoia: He knows what you're up to. He knows your shit, dude.
Kim: C’mon Harry. You’re not so good at things.
Sequoia: He sees everything.
Kim: Except Brian is that good at things. “Just call me Brian. And I won't answer all of your questions.” [Colin and Sequoia laugh] “All right, Brian.”
Sequoia: He should know. He's so sassy, just like Harry. He's got that sassy Harry vibe.
Kim: Yeah he does. “You see, Brian, you've been attacking Death Eaters for quite some time, and we've been wondering whose side you were on. Why not join the aurors? Why are you doing this alone?” [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: [laughing] It keeps getting better.
Kim: I don’t think it does.
Colin: It’s really good. It’s good.
Sequoia: Is it just because I continue to drink mulled wine?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Throughout the...
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Okay. Okay, well...
Kim: A hundred percent, yes. [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: [whispering] You're welcome, listeners.
Kim: We're drinking today.
Colin: It’s your first ever drunk-i-sode.
Kim: We're drinking today. [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: Boop boop boop boooop!
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: [laughing] Was that a...?
Colin: [high-pitched] Whomp whomp whomp whoooomp! [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: We need a sound board.
Sequoia: We do. Put it on the sound board, Sequoia. [Kim sighs] [Colin laughs]
Kim: Harry looked at the Minister. He wondered how he still held the position. He had to keep himself in control. He felt so tempted to kill Fudge and get out of here.
Colin: [laughing] What?
Sequoia: Oh my god. That would not help your case, dude.
Colin: No. Yeah. That’s…
Kim: Seriously.
Sequoia: Harry, that is not…
Kim: Harry, keep it together.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Buddy.
Colin: But just pretend… I don't know, pretend you’re sick.
Sequoia: Also, I'm like, I understand why they're skeptical of him, but like he's out there slaying Death Eaters…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: ...with some swords. Just let him keep doing it.
Kim: [laughs] Yeah. You know, there's a… there’s a… there’s a…
Colin: An enemy of my enemy.
Kim: There's laws of… that they don't follow.
Sequoia: Whatever. He’s an a… he's a lone ranger. He's an assassin.
Kim: All right.
Colin: He is the lone assassin.
Sequoia: Of the elf people. He does not obey the laws of wizardkind. [Colin and Kim laugh]
Colin: The wizard supreme court has no power here. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Fine. [Sequoia keeps laughing] Fuckin’ fine. He glared at Dumbledore and said, “I don't like working with the Ministry. I'm much better when I work alone.”
Sequoia: Shing shing! Takes out the swords. [everyone laughs]
Kim: I work alone. [everyone laughs] “What's wrong with the Ministry?” [Colin and Sequoia laugh] Fudge challenged. “I don't believe it works. And you people have the custom of throwing innocent people in prison.”
Colin: Fair.
Sequoia: Yeah, why don’t you just…
Colin: Fair.
Sequoia: ...put on a big sign that says, I'm Harry Potter.
Kim: Right? I think you're giving yourself away, buddy.
Sequoia: Come on.
Kim: “Also, if the Ministry is so great, then why did you fail to protect Diagon Alley?” Harry clearly remembered the attack. Many shops had been destroyed. But it wasn't the shops that made Harry feel sick. It was the bodies of all the dead people.
Sequoia: Urghhhhh.
Colin: Oh my god.
Kim: About a hundred and twenty four people died that day.
Colin: Jesus.
Sequoia: Oh jeez.
Kim: And ever since then he despised the Ministry even more. Hermione cut in here. “How does your sword reflect back the curses sent at you, including the killing curse, which can't be blocked?” [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: These are valid questions. Also, why don't you power him up a little more? That's insane.
Kim: Ka-shing! Ka-shing!
Colin: [laughing] Blocks spells with the swords!
Kim: Ka-shing!
Sequoia: That's… I really need the fan film, though, you guys. [Colin and Kim laugh] I gotta see this shit in action.
Kim: It’s good. Harry noticed that she had changed very much and was holding Ron's hand. Took them long enough, he thought.
Sequoia: [laughs sarcastically] Sorry. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Dude. Keep it together.
Sequoia: I can’t help it. I can’t.
Kim: “That is not any of your business. And as I said, my personal life has nothing to do with any of you.”
Sequoia: I wouldn't call that his personal life.
Kim: Why can your swords reflect the killing curse?
Sequoia: Yeah, like, can you please tell me how…
Kim: So we can do that.
Sequoia: ...we can protect ourselves.
Kim: I work alone.
Sequoia: You're an asshole. [everyone laughs]
Kim: You got two of them.
Colin: [laughs] Give somebody else one.
Kim: [laughs] He could not stay here any longer. “And I'll be leaving now,” he finished, before standing up. He was just about to leave when Dumbledore stopped him. “Okay, Brian, we understand. The other reason I wanted to talk to you is because I'm looking for a dueling teacher.”
Sequoia: [long pause] Ahhhhhhhhh…. no. [everyone laughs]
Colin: I have no choice but to accept this and not think about it.
Sequoia: So he's just been… why was he in the hospital wing in the first place?
Kim: He got injured in the… a fight with Death Eaters.
Sequoia: In Hogwarts.
Kim: In the surrounding Hogwarts-y area.
Sequoia: And they just found him.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: ‘Kay. I’ll buy that. That's fine. [everyone laughs] That's fine, I guess.
Kim: “I'm looking for a dueling teacher, and I would like to know whether you would do it.”
Sequoia: I just…
Colin: Are you free this Saturday?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Harry knew what Dumbledore was trying to do.
Sequoia: Sneaky old man.
Kim: If he stayed here and taught, they could keep an eye on him and find out more about him. Well, he could play along. And once Dumbledore was gone, he would disappear without a trace. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: Isn't there… there’s like various ways to unveil like a person if they're under enchantments to look different.
Kim: Not if it's elf magic!
Sequoia: Oh, shit. Sorry, I forgot about the elf magic.
Colin: Not if it’s just a mustache from the Halloween store. [everyone laughs] And a little bit of make up.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Ohhhh no.
Kim: Harry decided to accept the offer. “All right, I accept your offer, Albus, but...” He looked at Snape. “If any of your staff members insult me, I won't be responsible for my actions.” [Colin and Sequoia laugh] “When shall I move in?” [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: I picture almost every single one of Harry's lines ending with him taking his swords out. [everyone keeps laughing]
Colin: [laughing] Just constantly…
Sequoia: I won't be responsible for what I do. Shing shinggg! [more laughter]
Colin: [laughing] Shing… always sheathing and unsheathing them.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Yep. “In two days, if that's okay with you.” “All right. I have to leave now.” [Colin laughs] Taking a last look at everyone, he was about to slip out, before he added, “And Albus? During my stay here, never try to mix truth potion with any of my drinks. If you do then you will be sorry.”
Sequoia: Stop giving people…
Kim: Shing shing! [Sequoia laughs]
Sequioa: Shing shing!
Colin: Shing shing! [everyone laughs] He just cuts through… he cuts a broom in half on the way through.
Sequoia: Yeah. He's making a point. Stop giving people ideas, you dipshit.
Kim: [laughing] Seriously.
Colin: I hadn’t thought of that… thought of a reason he might be lying until now. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: Harry left the room, leaving Albus and the rest of the room shocked. Walking away from the castle that used to be his home, he wondered whether he was doing the right thing.
Colin: [chuckling] I’m wondering that too, Brian.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: He looked around, and seeing nobody he apparated to his home in London. He took off his clothes and swords and decided to take a hot bath.
Colin: Mmmm.
Kim: He smiled to himself. He was going to make the Slytherins' lives miserable this year.
Colin: Is that end chapter one? [laughs]
Kim: That is end chapter one.
Colin: This is great.
Kim: Yep
Sequoia: [exhales] Sooooo good!
Kim: I love it. I really like this story.
Colin: This is like my favorite anime. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Right? Sooooo good. Yesssss.
Sequoia: Remember when I said fanfilm? [Colin and Kim laugh]
Kim: Fandomation.
Sequoia: [singing] Fandomation.
Colin: No longer upset that my predictions were so very, very wrong.
Kim: It's hard to be when the stories are always this good.
Sequoia: Always, dude.
Kim: I love all fanfiction. All right. Chapter two has no title. [pause] Brian had just returned from his morning run and was eating his breakfast when his owl dropped the Daily Prophet onto the table. While he finished his breakfast, he looked at the front page. [newsreader voice] Mysterious Assassin to Teach at Hogwarts. [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Colin: I like this.
Sequoia: No one is being cool about it.
Colin: I like this.
Kim: [newsreader voice] Contact was finally made with a mysterious assassin at Hogwarts two days ago while he was in the hospital wing after being hit by a curse and an attack. The headmaster of the school is still not sure of his origins or how he uses his swords like a wand. [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Colin: The daily expedition. Exposition. Oh boy.
Kim: Oh yeah.
Sequoia: Oh boy.
Colin: Oh yeah.
Kim: [newsreader voice] The Minister, however, said that he would keep an eye on this person and try to find out more about him. The assassin will be teaching dueling at Hogwarts. Parents are wondering whether it is safe for their children to be taught by this person, who could be a Death Eater or even someone working to become the next Dark Lord. [everyone laughs]
Colin: The UK’s next Dark Lord. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Oh my god. I can't get over that voice. It was too good.
Kim: It's my old timey voice.
Sequoia: [laughing] It’s too good.
Kim: I use it for announcing Quidditch matches and reading the paper.
Colin: [chuckling] Appropriate.
Kim: Just use that for reading the paper in real life though.
Colin: Yeah.
Kim: That's just how I do that. That one wasn’t a voice.
Sequoia: Also, like, hello Death Eaters! Guess where the assassin’s going to be for the next X amount of time.
Kim: Yeah. Right? [sighs]
Sequoia: [whispering] Dipshits.
Colin: He seems like he's neither mysterious nor an assassin. He's just a…
Kim: He’s assassinating…
Sequoia: He's killing some peeps.
Kim: ...Death Eaters.
Colin: Well, he's killing but he's not like assass… he's like.. he’s more…
Kim: I guess so
Colin: He’s less a mysterious assassin and more of like an obvious murderer. [Kim and Sequoia laugh[
Sequoia: The rise of the obvious murderer!
Kim: All right.
Colin: [laughing] The obvious murderer strikes again. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Crushing the paper, Brian threw it away. He's Brian today.
Colin: [laughing] Brian! [everyone laughs] Am I speaking with Harry or Brian? [Kim and Sequoia keep laughing] [deep gravelly voice] Harry’s not here right now. [Kim and Sequoia laugh harder]
Kim: He went to his room to start packing. As he waved his wand to pack his belongings, it caught his eye. The elves had made him a very unique wand. He thought back to the day before he had left the Elvish world. A FLASHBACK!
Sequoia: Tell us about the elves, Harry.
Colin: [whispers] The elves.
Kim: [high pitched, fluting voice] “Harry, before you leave.”
Sequoia: [laughing] No!
Kim: Yes! That's what elves sound like. [Colin and Sequoia laugh] Stupid. Elves sound stupid. [everyone laughs] “I want you to have this.” The Queen pulled out a wand and placed it in his hands.
Sequoia: It is the elf queen. [Colin laughs]
Kim: Who else would it be?
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: That's what elf queens sound like. [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: That makes sense. Yeah. That’s how I pictured the elf queen. [everyone laughs]
Kim: “This is no ordinary wand. It is a powerful…” Oh no, wait. “It is powerful, and it's something that will help you defeat Voldemort.”
Colin: [laughs] Okay.
Kim: Harry stared at the wand. It was made of a mixture... I mean, like any wand. Wait, so he uses his swords as wands.
Colin: Yeah.
Kim: And he uses his wand as a wand.
Colin: He’s got three wands. [laughs] He holds the wand in his teeth.
Kim: Oh, all right. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Colin: [muffled, as if something is in his mouth] Avada Kedavra.
Sequoia: No, he can do…
Kim: Oh!
Sequoia: He can do wandless magic, also.
Kim: Okay, so why does he need a wand?
Sequoia: So he's got a wand, two swords.
Kim: Oh, that's probably how he’s doing magic with the swords, because he's just doing wandless magic. No.
Colin: Or… no.
Sequoia: No. All… he is… so… he is wayyyyy too powered up.
Kim: He’s doing well.
Sequoia: Like, somebody needs to… [long pause] no.
Kim: Okay. [everyone laughs] Harry stared at the wand. It was made of a mixture of black and silver materials. He felt a warm feeling in his body, like he felt when he bought his first wand. “How do you know that this wand will help me?” The Queen looked at him and sighed. “Harry, do you know why Voldemort went after you?” She looked at him, waiting for a response. “No, they never told me.” He looked at her, wondering what this information had to do with his wand, before coming to a sudden realization.
Colin: It's not a story the Ministry would tell you.
Kim: Oh my god. [under her breath] Jesus Christ. Fuck. Fucking fine. [everyone laughs] Fucking fine! [everyone keeps laughing] Coming to a sudden realization. “You know why Voldemort came after me, don’t you?” “Yes, I know.” She looked guilty. “Tell me.” He smiled at her. “I’m not angry with you for not telling me earlier. You’ve done a lot of things for me.” He’s being nice today.
Colin: Yeah.
Kim: [whispering] I work alone.
Sequoia: Yeah, well, it’s Harry and not Brian.
Colin: He gets along all right…
Kim: Ohhhh right.
Colin: [laughing] It’s Harry. [Kim laughs] He gets along with the elves.
Kim: Yeah, maybe. “Harry, what I’m going to tell you will probably only make you dislike them more. That’s why I’m worried. Promise me you won’t kill anyone except for Voldemort and his followers.”
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: “All right. Let me guess.”
Colin: [laughing] Promise me. Promise me, Harry.
Kim: “Albus lied to me.” [Colin laughs] He doesn’t promise her.
Sequoia: He doesn’t.
Kim: And then she goes ahead and tells him. “Yes you see, your mother...” [pause]
Sequoia: What’s her name?
Kim: “...was a pureblood witch.”
Colin: Oh.
Sequoia: Oh. Okay. All right. Okay.
Kim: Nice. Nice, nice, nice, nice. “And not just any normal witch, but a very [the elf voice takes on a wavering quality] powerful one.” [Colin and Sequoia laugh] “Your father was extremely powerful as well.” Now she’s a…
Sequoia: She’s just… yeah.
Colin: [laughing] Right.
Sequoia: So they just… Voldemort just went after Harry because he…
Colin: ‘Cause he’s…
Sequioa: ...is powerful?
Kim: His parents were super powerful.
Colin: Because he’s got good blood.
Sequoia: Because his parents were powerful.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And he would therefore be powerful?
Colin: How do you quantify powerful? I mean…
Kim: His power… you can read his power level.
Sequoia: You can use a sword. And a sword. And a wand.
Kim: You use your…
Sequoia: And wandless magic. You have three animagus.
Kim: You use your…
Colin: You use your little thing.
Kim: You use your little visor thing and you check his power level, Colin. [Colin makes beeping noises] [deep voice, imitating the Youtube video] He’s over nine thousand! [everyone laughs] Or whatever! Harry sat there, stunned. “So that’s why they don’t talk about my mother.”
Colin: [laughing] This is a lot. Just a lot going on off stage here.
Sequoia: Yeah. I’m having a… yeah, I’m having trouble processing all of this.
Kim: I think they do talk about your mom a lot, Harry.
Sequoia: A lot. Like a LOT. [Colin laughs]
Kim: And he realized that he must be more powerful than Voldemort. “How could my parents have been so powerful?” [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: I’m qualitatively more powerful than Voldemort.
Kim: [laughs] “You see, back in the founders’ time, Helga made a prophecy about a child who will destroy an evil wizard and bring peace to the wizarding world like Merlin did.”
Colin: I get a point.
Kim: No you don’t. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: No.
Colin: I totally get a point.
Kim: You absolutely do not.
Sequoia: You do not. You do not. [Colin laughs]
Kim: [slowly getting quieter] “Like Merlin did five thousand years ago.”
Colin: Another… yeah, that’s tot…
Sequoia: No, that’s… I don’t know.
Colin: A big ol’ point for me.
Sequoia: I don’t know what to…
Kim: I don’t think Merlin was five thousand years ago.
Colin: Oh.
Sequoia: I don’t know what time… I don’t know if she understands how time works. Are elf year… years different to human years?
Kim: Yeah that’s probably it. Five thousand elf years ago.
Colin: [laughing] Last week. [everyone laughs]
Kim: “So I must be this child and Voldemort found out about this prophecy and tried to kill me,” Harry thought. “And I must be the heir of Gryffindor.” [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: That. Does. Not. Track.
Kim: No, it does not. [everyone laughs] It’s all right, buddy. It’s all right, buddy. You’re doing all right. “How did I survive the curse?” he asked. “That is still a mystery. I believe the only person who could give you an answer to that is Merlin himself.”
Sequoia: Oh, we better get Merlin himself. I’m so ready.
Colin: Yeah, is Merlin going to show up?
Kim:“But you are in fact the most powerful wizard on the planet.” [Colin laughs] “Whaaat?!”
Sequoia: Don’t tell Harry that shit.
Kim: Yeah. Right?
Sequoia: He doe… [sighs]
Kim: Harry doesn’t need to hear that.
Colin: He doesn’t need to hear that any more.
Sequoia: He doesn’t need that. He doesn’t need…
Kim: He’s already so dumb. [everyone laughs] “Harry, you are the heir of Godric Gryffindor, Rowena Ravenclaw and Merlin.”
Colin: What does that mean?
Sequoia: That does not track at all.
Colin: What does that mean?
Kim: [laughs] END FLASHBACK!
Sequoia: Actually I think… I think he’s the son of Salazar Slytherin.
Kim: Yeah. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: And Godric Gryffindor.
Kim: But also still a Potter.
Sequoia: But also the reincarnation of… [laughs]
Kim: Oh. Yeah. Salazar Slytherin. Oh, man. Okay, so I think I’m going to leave it here, because the story doesn’t really go anywhere from this point. Harry goes…
Colin: What?!
Kim: Harry… Harry goes to Hogwarts. He goes to his room. He buys himself some toys and there’s a hint of some Harry/Cho.
Colin: Really? That’s… that’s…
Sequoia: That’s it?
Kim: And that’s where it ends.
Colin: After all that dual katana build up.
Sequoia: Oh my god! Argh!
Colin: Ugh!
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: This is another one of the those that starts out so strong.
Colin: Yeah. I’m so disappointed.
Sequoia: I’m genuinely upset.
Colin: Yeah.
Kim: And then they didn’t finish it.
Sequoia: Ahhh man.
Kim: But I thought it was very special.
Sequoia: It was sooo good.
Kim: Yeah!
Colin: It was SO good. [Kim laughs]
Sequoia: SO good.
Colin: [high pitched voice] SO good.
Sequoia: [laughing] I can’t even… [pause] I can’t even process how good that was.
Kim: Yup.
Colin: Yeah, that was really… oh, it’s my favourite anime now.
Sequoia: A lot happened.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So much happened.
Colin: So much going on
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Like, that… the setup.
Kim: Mhm. [Sequoia sighs] I love this trope. This fanfiction trope is one of my favorites. The one where Harry becomes all powerful.
Sequoia: Yeah, he is way too powered up.
Colin: He’s so powerful!
Kim: And then comes back for vengeance. I love it.
Colin: I just like that he…
Kim: I’ve read a few like that.
Colin: [ominous voice] ...works alone.
Kim: Oh yeah. So good. So good.
Colin: Nothing personnel, kid. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: Soooo… yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah, I got a point.
Kim: You did! Congratulations.
Colin: Nice.
Sequoia: Yessss.
Colin: I think I got one, too.
Sequoia and Kim: No, you didn’t. [everyone laughs]
Colin: I did in my heart.
Sequoia: Oh, man. Harry is so many things, you know. [Colin laughs]
Kim: Harry can do anything he sets his mind to.
Sequoia: Anything.
Colin: He is all things to all people.
Sequoia: It’s so weird too because I feel like… when was that written? Can you tell me when that was written?
Kim: So it was started in October of 2002, so actually before book five came out.
Sequoia and Colin: Oh.
Kim: But I don’t know when they posted the second chapter.
Sequoia: Well, even at that early point in the series, like, there’s no indication that Harry would ever do anything without Ron and Hermione. [Colin and Kim laugh]
Kim: I know! Seriously.
Sequoia: Anything!
Kim: Ohhhhh. Yeah.
Sequoia: Sooo.
Kim: I do think… I don’t know when that second chapter was posted, but I think the prophecy was interesting, especially considering it came out before book five. Oh, no. The second chapter mentions the Order of the Phoenix. Maybe that one came out after that. But…
Colin: Mmm.
Kim: Either way.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I really like that story.
Colin: That was nuts. I’m still processing.
Kim: Mhmm.
Sequoia: Oh my gosh.
Colin: It’s still a lot to digest.
Kim: That time period between books four and five was a time when a lot of great fanfiction was written.
Sequoia: A lot of good stuff. [Kim laughs] So.
Kim: It was a great time.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: Oh yeah.
Sequoia: That was amazing.
Kim: So for my rec today I’ve got something a little special. This one is actually a listener submission to our submission form.
Sequoia: Woohoo!
Kim: Somebody submitted this and pointed it at me, and I read it and I loved it and I need all of you to read it. So. You know.
Colin: Woohoo!
Kim: There’s a small explicit content warning on this one, I would say, but it’s called A Night in the Life of James Potter.
Sequoia: Yesss.
Colin: Oooooh.
Kim: And it’s really fun. And funny.
Colin: Sounds like fun.
Kim: And I really enjoyed it and the link will be in the description.
Sequoia: Excellent. Excellent. All right. Well, go ahead and read that. Make sure that if you’re reading our submissions you’re tweeting at us about them or something. We would like to know if people are reading them.
Kim: Anyone is reading them.
Sequoia: Anyone.
Kim: Anyone?
Colin: Is there anyone out there? Is there anything outside this room?
Kim: No. And speaking of the submission form, if you’ve seen a fanfiction that you need us to read, and if you are submitting them, I need more of them, though. [Sequoia laughs] Keep sending them to me. The link is in the episode description and I need them.
Sequoia: Excellent. Also, you can find us on Twitter and Instagram and Facebook @FanaticaFics. Send us your little thoughts. All of your little thoughts.
Kim: We like hearing from you. We love you, listeners.
Sequoia: We love you. If you have longer stuff to send us…
Kim: Yeah. We have an email as well. It’s fanaticalfics@gmail.com. Send us some whatever.
Sequoia: Some whichever.
Kim: Some whomever.
Sequoia: Don’t send us whomever. That doesn’t… that doesn’t sound good to me. [everyone laughs]
Colin: Hey, I’m here. I’m whomever.
Sequoia: Yeah. That’s how we got this one. [everyone laughs]
Colin: Yeah. I don’t have anywhere else to go now.
Sequoia: If you want to help out the podcast, please leave us a review on iTunes.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: It would be super helpful. We love them.
Kim: It really helps us. Let us know what we’re doing well. What you like. Maybe what you don’t like. Don't do that, but also do that.
Sequoia: [laughing] Don’t do that.
Colin: Don’t touch me there. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: We’ll shout out to you on the podcast at the top. We haven’t gotten any recently, so that’s why there was none of those.
Sequoia: Yep. [Kim laughs] But you should do it, and we’ll shout out to you. It’s super fun. It’ll be fun for everyone.
Kim: Oh yeah.
Sequoia: Also if you want to help the podcast send this podcast to a friend. [Kim laughs] All your friends.
Kim: I still don’t think that’s a good idea.
Sequoia: Every friend. [Colin laughs]
Kim: Nobody....
Sequoia: People are doing that.
Kim: Nobody…
Colin: Subject your friends to this.
Kim: Nobody wants this.
Sequoia: People are doing it.
Colin: Yes! [Kim laughs]
Sequoia: Stoooop.
Colin: Oh, they’re doing it.
Sequoia: Stoooop. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: You’re ruining the whole podcast.
Kim: Yep. [pause] [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Another way you can help us out.
Kim: We have a Patreon. We have some cool swag. Bonus written content. Bonus audio content up there. So if you’re interested in that, the link is in the description, or you can just search for us.
Colin: Yep.
Sequoia: it’s really…
Colin: And… and as always, you can roll up a twenty dollar bill, put it inside your carrier pigeon, whisper…
Kim: [laughing] Inside?
Sequoia: [laughing] Inside your carrier pigeon? [everyone laughs]
Colin: It must come through… [laughing continues for some time]
Kim: Don’t put things inside carrier pigeons.
Sequoia: If you know anyone that’s putting things inside carrier pigeons please call animal control or something.
Colin: Right. Sorry. I misspoke. I misspoke. Gent… gingerly place the money within the talons of your carrier pigeon. [Kim and Sequoia laugh] Whisper Colin into the pigeon’s ear, and that money will find me, so…[Kim and Sequoia keep laughing]
Kim: Don’t support him. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: Oh my god. Don’t support it. But if you are supporting us, one of the cool things that you get is if you’ve been supporting us for six months or longer, we’re going to do a little shout out for you.
Kim: Yep. And here they come.
Sequoia: At the end of episodes. Here they come.
Kim: Sequoia’s going to start us off.
Sequoia: I am going to start us off. [pause] [southern accent] Once upon a time, a nice little girl named Cat R just waltzed right in into my nice little establishment. And she was the most wonderful little girl I did never seen. I love you. Love Trixie. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Oh my god.
Kim: Is that… is that a Trixie voice?
Sequoia: It was. That was Trixie.
Colin: I like it.
Kim: Do you wanna talk about it?
Sequoia: No one needs to understand what that is.
Kim: Do you wanna talk…?
Colin: I like it
Kim: Do you wanna talk about…
Colin: I like whatever that is.
Sequoia: No. Catherine is giving us money and so I did the Trixie voice and it’s over now.
Kim: All right.
Colin: Give Trixie money.
Kim: I guess we’re not going to talk about that. Fine. [does the same enunciated southern voice as for Fudge] My fellow wizards, I’m here today to tell you all, mission accomplished. The new head of our joint task force to get people to stop saying He Who Must Not Be Named is back. Sarah has shown us all that all we needed to do is put our fingers in our ears and hum loudly.
Sequoia: When a new girl named Jennifer enrols at Hogwarts, people are wondering what's the deal with that girl? She does this weird stuff and she says weird stuff but apparently she went to Cornell? Lol Cornell! [Colin and Kim laugh]
Colin: All right. That’s my new favourite anime. [Sequoia laughs] Right there. [Kim laughs] Jennifer Store the anime.
Sequoia: Jennifer Store the anime.
Kim: Good.
Sequoia: All right.
Kim: All right, cool. Thank you so much for supporting us on Patreon. We love our Patrons.
Sequoia: We do. Thank you.
Kim: So look forward to more of those. I guess?
Sequoia: Yeah, maybe. We’ll see. We’ll do ‘em every episode.
Kim: And thanks as always to the Whomping Willows for the use of our theme song, Wolfstar.
Sequoia: And so, bye.
Kim: Bye.
Colin: Bye.
Sequoia: Bye.
Colin: Bye. [Kim laughs] Love you.
Sequoia: Oh god.
[everyone laughs]