Episode 2: The Veela’s Nest
Episode two is all story all the time. We went a little over time… but we swear it’s worth it. The Veela’s Nest is a one in a million fic. And no, it wasn’t tagged Alternate Universe.
Recommendation: Closet Bohemia
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/2507843/1/Closet-Bohemia
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Abbey
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Sequoia: [in a light voice] Oh hi, hello there.
Kim: [laughing] Oh my god.
Sequoia: Oh hi, we’re back.
Kim: Why do you sound like that? What’s wrong with you?
Sequoia: I don’t know. I just decided to be in character.
Kim: In what character?
Sequoia: I don’t know, I chose a character, and the character was the one that talks like that. [Kim laughs] That's the cold open.
Kim: [still laughing] Oh no!
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim. And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Sequoia: It's our podcast about Harry Potter fanfiction.
Kim: Because that's something we thought we should do.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: And continue doing.
Sequoia: And here we are, and this is the second episode. Welcome to episode two. If you got here, thank you.
Kim: Yeah. Hi, how's it going?
Sequoia: Thank you to our ten friends. [Kim laughs] But no, in this episode, you're going to read some fanfiction to me.
Kim: Yeah, I'm going to read you a fanfiction today and you have no idea what I'm about to read you.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: So…
Sequoia: Going in blind.
Kim: Yeah. Last time it was my turn, and this time it's your turn.
Sequoia: I know. And I'm like, I'm actually a little bit nervous. I'm going to be super real about it.
Kim: What? Why are you scared?
Sequoia: I'm scared that, like, it's just going to be a podcast where, like, you read and occasionally there's just like a giant laugh from me.
Kim: [laughs] I mean, honestly, this story is funny enough that I think that would be okay.
Sequoia: You think that would be enough?
Kim: But I think you'll have stuff to say. If not, I will have stuff to say.
Sequoia: All right, feel free.
Kim: I'll just interrupt myself.
Sequoia: Yeah, just interject.
Kim: Maybe, I don't know.
Sequoia: Are you doing character voices? Because if you're going to interject in your own reading…
Kim: I won't be able to help it.
Sequoia: Okay. Did you… have you ever read the actual Harry Potter books aloud?
Kim: Yeah, I read them to my little brother out loud when he was little and I did all the voices then. So some of these are actually probably still the same voices that I was doing when I was, like, fifteen.
Sequoia: That's amazing.
Kim: But I can't help it. So Sequoia, this fic I'm about to read to you. It's… it involves a particular magical creature from the Harry Potter world. That creature is a Veela.
Sequoia: Right. And a Veela is supposed to be a female who is very attractive to men. They, like, have… cast a spell sort of, they have an aura.
Kim: They're not people, they're semi-human magical beings, is what they would probably be classed as, and they're very beautiful and they project an aura, but when they're angry they kind of transform into these, like, harpy-like creatures. You know, they get all sharp and they get beaks and they get these lizardy wings that spread out of their back and then they throw fireballs.
Sequoia: Right, but generally when they're not mad, they're just, like, regular humanoid type.
Kim: Yeah, they're really like pretty women. Well, do you want to just jump into it then?
Sequoia: [excited] Yeah!
Kim: Okay. Well then, you need to get ready to make a prediction…
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: …’cause I'm going to tell you the story title and the genre. Are you ready?
Sequoia: Yeah, I'm ready. I'm ready. Yeah.
Kim: The story is called The Veela’s Nest. The genre is humour and fantasy.
Sequoia: Oh my god, I'm so excited! Okay, The Veela’s Nest.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: My prediction is that it's going to take place at Beauxbatons. And I predict that a horde of Veela go out on the town for an evening and just, like, cause a scene literally everywhere they go.
Kim: [laughs] All right. All right, there’s your prediction.
Sequoia: Yep, that's it. That’s what I got.
Kim: We'll see how you did when I'm done. All right. The Veela’s Nest, chapter one, The Call. It was the morning of September 2nd and the cool morning wind howled at the ancient windows of Gryffindor tower.
Sequoia: Dammit! [both laugh] Already wrong.
Kim: Oh, Sequoia. A small black haired boy named Harry James Potter tossed and turned in his dorm bed before a grumpy and bleary-eyed Ronald Weasley had roughly woken him up. Ever since then he had felt helpless and jumpy. It had taken Ron an entire hour to encourage Harry to leave the safety of his bedside and he wouldn't go far without holding Ron's hand or arm, much to Ron's constant embarrassment.
Sequoia: What? What the hell’s going on?
Kim: [giggles] Yeah?
Sequoia: Did they give a year? They said September 2nd, did they give a year? Do we know how old they are?
Kim: Oh, should I…? Oh, this was written in 2006. [thoughtful pause] Oh god, 2006 was… that was…
Sequoia: That was book six.
Kim: That was after book six.
Sequoia: Yeah. I’m confused.
Kim: They’re probably seventeen.
Sequoia: Okay, that makes sense. Continue. [laughs]
Kim: It’s probably their final year at Hogwarts. I forget if it says later.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: We'll get there. Harry felt that if he didn't have someone there to protect him he would panic. Merlin! Why did he feel so… vulnerable? [Sequoia laughs quietly in the background] “Let go Harry, I know it's your birthday and everything but you're acting really weird,” said Ron as he finally snatched his hand away from Harry's when they sat down to breakfast. Did you get that? It’s Harry’s birthday.
Sequoia: Yeah, it’s Harry’s birthday.
Kim: On September 2nd.
Sequoia: Is someone gonna get him a nest of Veelas for his birthday?
Kim: [laughs] Well, you know, it's for his second birthday. He got anxiety, it would appear.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah.
Kim: You have your first birthday, and then you have your second birthday, which generally takes place a little over a month after your first birthday. You know, because his birthday is on the 31st of July. It’s fine. You know.
Sequoia: Yeah. So September 2nd, it’s his second birthday. Um, yeah.
Kim: Anxiety. “Sorry, Ron. I just feel a bit strange today. Maybe it has something to do with Voldemort. I don't know. I just feel a bit weak.” Harry stared at his feet. [Sequoia laughing] “Just chill out. We've got double Potions after breakfast and Snape will kill me when he finds out I haven't done my essay,” Ron bellowed.
Sequoia: Okay, a), why is Ron shouting? But, like, b), he's acting like I've never not done an essay before. This is a totally new thing where Snape’s going to be so mad.
Kim: Snape is going to be really mad. I know you're, like, freaking out, but I'm going to freak out at you now, Harry. It’s my turn.
Sequoia: I know that you're anxious because for some reason it's your birthday again.
Kim: Ron bellowed but deflated quickly when he saw that Harry was beginning to shake with fear.
Sequoia: [half whispering] What the hell?
Kim: “Erm… Just try to eat something, eh mate.” Ron smiled gingerly, pushing a plate of eggs towards his best friend.
Sequoia: Gingerly.
Kim: Ahhhhh?!
[wordless exclamations of discomfort from both]
Sequoia: I'm uncomfortable.
Kim: Okay. Harry tiredly moved the food around on his plate. He really had no appetite, and he felt hot, feverish and a bit distracted.
Sequoia: A bit?
Kim: More than a bit. Geez Harry, get it together. On the other side of the Great Hall, the blonde bombshell that was Draco Malfoy was in a super…
Sequoia: This is my favourite story ever. Is Draco a Veela? I’m just real… [Kim laughs]
Kim: …was in a super pissy mood. He'd been frustrated and fidgety for well over a week, but today he was especially irritable.
Sequoia: Is it his birthday? [both laugh]
Kim: It’s everyone's birthday, Sequoia. Today's the day. Today he was especially irritable. At breakfast he played with his food, not really wanting to eat even though he felt a terrible craving of some sort. One that he couldn't quite place.
Sequoia: [emphatically] He's thirsty.
Kim: The Slytherin table was awash with ogling first years, all clamouring round to get a look at the famous son of a Death Eater.
Sequoia: Yeah, I think he's a Veela. I'm gonna… I think that's the only reason why people would clamour to look at Draco Malfoy.
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: I also am interested in why, like, this is out of character for Draco to be in a bad mood. But he's literally always in a bad mood.
Kim: Oh, for sure.
Sequoia: Literally always.
Kim: For sure. “Get lost!” Draco screeched, sending the gaggle of eleven year olds careening down to the other end of the large table, hiding their heads and whispering frantically.
Sequoia: Does anybody speak in like a normal tone of voice? They bellow, they screech.
Kim: “Whatever is wrong, dearest Drakee Poo?” chirped the ever annoying Pansy Parkinson.
Sequoia: Chirped.
Kim: Yeah. [laughs] We've got a bellow, we've got a screech…
Both: We've got a chirp!
Kim: … chirped the ever annoying Pansy Parkinson through a mouthful of half masticated Cumberland sausage.
Sequoia: That was so specific.
Kim: Pansy, close your mouth around that sausage, girl.
Sequoia: [laughs] It’s everyone's birthday.
[much laughter]
[pause]
[more laughter]
Sequoia: Sorry.
[laughter]
Kim: Wish it was my birthday. [Sequoia laughs again] “Are you having a bad hair day, or is there something else I could help you with?” Pansy reached under the table with her foot and rubbed it suggestively against the ice prince’s leather-clad leg.
Sequoia: I kept thinking that it was gonna not get better and it just kept getting better! Why is he wearing leather? What’s happening?
Kim: ‘Cause that's what Draco always wears. Draco is the prince of leather pants, Sequoia.
Sequoia; No, he's the ice prince. Please.
Kim: Oh, excuse me, the ice prince of leather pants. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Continue. This is all plausible, please continue.
Kim: Yes. Yes, it’s been great. Draco nearly jumped a foot in the air before using a dragon-hide boot to kick the offending appendage away.
Sequoia: This is so specific.
Kim: Yeah, he's wearing leather pants and dragon skin boots.
Sequoia: Dragon skin boots. And he's rejecting the advances of a woman because he's gay. He's wearing leather pants and dragon hide boots, Pansy.
Kim: Come on Pansy.
Sequoia: Read the signs, girl.
Kim: “Oh fuck off, Parkinson…”
Sequoia: Oh, shit.
Kim: …was Draco's reply as he stood up and marched loudly out of the Great Hall, desperate to get to his first and most favourite class, Potions with his godfather, Severus Snape.
Sequoia: His godfather?
Kim: [unintelligible noise]
Sequoia: Listen, Harry's birthday is September 2nd and Snape is…
Kim: It’s fine.
Sequoia: It's fine.
Kim: It’s fine.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Pansy stared in abject horror and gulped visibly at Draco's abandoned silver fork, which was now swaying slightly and driven impossibly deep into the hard oak wood of the Slytherin table.
Sequoia: I, like, have to just say really quickly that I really actually enjoy all the detail in this.
Kim: Yeah, yeah, right? It’s really detailed.
Sequoia: This is actually really detailed in, like, a really great way that I love.
Kim: Painting a great picture in your brain. “What the bloody hell has gotten into him?” asked Blaize – spelled with a Z – as he too stared at the quivering fork. “His love for me has burned a hole in his heart,” cried Pansy, [Sequoia squeaks with laughter] as she batted her eyelids.
Sequoia: Obviously.
Kim: Oh for Merlin’s sake, Parkinson, get over it. He isn't interested, he likes boys!” cried Blaize, as he stood up and followed in Draco's wake, leaving a bewildered and slightly tearful Pansy Parkinson sitting on his own. Sitting on her own.
Sequoia: Yeah, I was about to be like, well, she’s in the running now.
Kim: The pupils hurried into the dungeon classroom, pushing and shoving to find their seats. As usual, the Slytherins headed for the back of the dark and dingy classroom. Snape breezed in, robes billowing madly behind him.
Sequoia: Madly!
Kim: They're just, like…
[they make mad billowy sounds]
Sequoia: That creates a great visual. Madly!
Kim: Yeah. It's like there's there's a really strong breeze where…
Sequoia: There's like a first year trailing behind him just waving the cloak up and down.
Kim: I think that's more likely, yeah. That one, that's the one. “Today we are going to be creating a simple anti pimple cure,” he said loudly, flicking his wand in the direction of the blackboard. Chalk dust erupted in scrawling spider-like script across the black surface as the ingredients list appeared. “Looking at some of you, I would think it was about time you learned to make it,” Snape sneered.
Sequoia: What an asshole.
Kim: Right? Come on, Snape.
Sequoia: Teenagers are just like so delicate and fragile.
Kim: Like you were so handsome in your teenage years.
Sequoia: Like you weren’t covered in pimples in your teenage years, Snape.
Kim: Snape sneered as he loomed over the Gryffindors near the front. “Now, class, find a partner and read page 456 of your textbooks before you start. The ingredients are in the student cupboard as usual. Begin!” Snape barked. After a few minutes of silent reading there was a horrid scraping of chairs as the class began to gather their ingredients and choose partners. By the time Harry had woken from his fidgety daydreaming, nearly everyone had found a partner and Snape was almost nose to nose with the emerald-eyed young wizard. “Potter, go with Malfoy, and I expect you to work in my classroom, not sleep.”
Sequoia: Go with Malfoy. [does beat] [laughs]
Kim: Yeah, ‘cause Ron abandoned him. Jesus, Ron, your friend’s acting super weird and where are you?
Sequoia: And we're about to get some looove in here!
Kim: The Gryffindor scowled as the Professor returned to the blackboard. Gathering his quill and parchment, Harry quickly plonked himself down next to Malfoy. “Well Scarhead, go and get some arrowroot and witch hazel,” smirked Draco as Harry glared at him intensely. “Yes! Your bloody majesty!” Harry spat with very little hatred left to make it convincing. And for a moment just as he left the desk, Harry swore he could see hurt in Malfoy’s silver eyes.
Sequoia: [whispering] Oh my god.
Kim: When he returned from collecting the ingredients, Harry slowly began to chop the arrowroot into small chunks at Draco's instruction. While trying not to be impressed with the larger boy’s remarkable potion skills.
Sequoia: His remarkable – wink – potion skills.
Kim: Yeah, Draco, you're so skilled.
Sequoia: Those leather pants. [both laugh]
Kim: Harry was so busy watching the fair haired Slytherin he accidentally brought the blade down onto his finger, leaving a deep cut that swelled with blood. Caught by surprise, Harry let out an unbelievably deafening shrilling noise which caught the attention of the whole class. But before he could even think about how he had made such a strong sound, safe arms wrapped around him. [Sequoia squeaks] Harry's feelings of vulnerability were momentarily gone. He felt free and for the first time in a long time felt normal again. He hadn't been pondering his feelings for long though when he suddenly felt a sharp sting in his neck and the world turned to utter darkness.
Sequoia: What the hell is going on?
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Yeah! Okay…
Kim: Draco had been showing off to Potter. He couldn't help himself. It was just so much fun watching the poor pathetic Gryffindor ogle him. It was only when Potter accidentally took a chunk out of his own finger and Draco, who was about to laugh, stopped dead in his tracks as Harry let out a strange shriek. It was a keening noise that pulled on every fibre and vein in Draco's being with one thought and one overwhelming emotion, “Protect!”
Sequoia: The precious.
Kim: He grabbed the petite boy around the waist, and Harry slumped forward into Draco's gentle embrace, his small dark head tilting, revealing a smooth pale neck. Draco couldn't resist the urge to bite into the pure flesh.
Sequoia: Whoa whoa, what?
Kim: [enunciating clearly] Draco couldn't resist the urge to bite into the pure flesh.
Sequoia: I was wondering where like the painful thing was gonna come from.
Kim: Draco's mouth. It came from Draco's mouth. It was his teeth. On Harry's neck. Because he bit him.
Sequoia: Yeeeeeeesss!
Kim: That was the last thing he could recollect as a strange haze descended over his memory.
Sequoia: Is there some kind of venom?
Kim: That infected them both? Apparently. I guess.
Sequoia: Oh my god, I'm so excited.
Kim: By that time the rest of the class, including Ron and Hermione, were staring at the duo with rons - wands raised. Not Rons!
Sequoia: Not Rons raised.
Kim: …were staring at the duo with wands raised. Draco pulled Harry to his chest as blood ran down his chin, staining his pristine uniform a deep crimson. “Draco! What in Merlin's name are you doing, boy? Unhand Potter this instant!” shouted Professor Snape as he inched towards them, a look of pure confusion etched across his face.
Sequoia: Don't you know what young love looks like? Severus?
Kim: Yeah come on Snape. Snape, you never been in love?
Sequoia: Don't you know what some young, leather-pant-wearing love looks like? [laughter]
Kim: Okay, you need to hear this. “Mine!” hissed Draco [more laughter] as he bolted from the dungeon classroom and into the corridors with Harry Potter held fast in his arms.
Sequoia: What the hell?
Kim: End chapter one.
Sequoia: Oh my god. I’m so intrigued.
Kim: Yeah, no, Draco just took off with Harry.
Sequoia: And I was like, pretty on with the my precious thing.
Kim: Oh yeah, no.
Sequoia: In a scary way.
Kim: Yeah, no, totally. My own, my precious, says Draco, taking off down the hallway with Harry. And now, time for chapter two. Proposition. Harry slowly woke up to the intense white walls of the hospital wing, which seemed to be a hell of a lot brighter and more colourful than was usual. The large sterile hall full of hospital beds felt strangely cold and abandoned without the familiar millings of Madam Pomfrey. Harry tried to sit up to get a better look around, but something restrained him at the waist. He turned slowly to see Draco Malfoy lying beside him, fast asleep, his arms draped over the small Gryffindor and his head resting lightly on the pure white pillow.
Sequoia: I’m a little bit disappointed that Draco just, like, took off with him and just took him to the hospital wing to get fixed.
Kim: I don’t know that that's what happened, because we had like a time jump. Maybe they both just, like, passed out in the middle of the hallway somewhere. Because Draco's memory blanked out the instant he bit Harry, I guess.
Sequoia: Yeah, but like…
Kim: How did they get to the hospital wing? Did he take them there? Not clear. But Draco seemed different to Harry. The intense seed of hatred he had always had for Draco was gone, which confused him deeply.
Sequoia: It was the love bite.
Kim: Yeah, right? Just sucked the hate right out.
Sequoia: Right on out of there.
Kim: Yep, yep, gone now. Harry gaped at the Slytherin prince, but felt no impulse to push him away at all.
Sequoia: The Slytherin prince.
Kim: Yeah, I thought he was the ice prince.
Sequoia: Yeah, it was the ice prince of leather.
Kim: Yeah, I crowned him.
Sequoia: [in a whisper] Of leather.
Kim: Yeah, all right. Harry gaped at the Slytherin prince, but felt no impulse to push him away at all. Draco appeared much the same as always, except his hair was dishevelled, his ears were slightly pointed, and when Draco parted his lips to take a deeper breath his canines had a sharper edge than Harry remembered.
Sequoia: It – keeps – getting – better. He's a vampire now?
Kim: No he's not, because just a second. It was only as Draco shifted in his sleep that Harry gaped at the huge silver wings that now graced his pale back.
Sequoia: What the fuck? Is he a gargoyle?
Kim: No.
Sequoia: He's a new thing. This is a new thing.
Kim: No! What's the fic name, Sequoia?
Sequoia: [after a long pause] Veela?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Does the person know what a veela is?
Kim: No. Clearly they don’t. Not even a little.
Sequoia: Okay. This is some classic fucking misdirection, because now all of my predictions are wrong.
Kim: Just not even close.
Sequoia: Not even.
Kim: [laughs happily] Harry turned his head as he heard the infirmary door slam open, but he didn't see anyone because blocking his view was a pair of large deep green wings. They were much smaller than Draco's glorious silver appendages, the tips of which seemed to brush gently at his calves. Harry’s shimmering green wings only seemed to travel to his hips. Got tiny wings, boy.
Sequoia: Gotta compensate for that somehow.
Kim: Come on Harry. What’s wrong with you? Why are your wings so small?
Sequoia: So he's become a Veela by being bitten by a Veela.
Kim: I think he was already a Veela.
Sequoia: Which is why they have such a intense attraction to each other?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Maybe. Oh! Oooh! I think I know what happened. I think it's why they were both in such a bad mood.
Kim: Yeah. On your second birthday every year you turn into a Veela. No wait, not every year, just once.
Sequoia: Just once, when you’re sixteen or whatever.
Kim: On your second birthday of your seventeenth year.
Sequoia: Then you turn into a Veela.
Kim: Yep, sprout big or tiny wings, you know.
Sequoia: Don't make Harry feel self-conscious about his tiny wings, okay?
Kim: He doesn’t seem to be.
Sequoia: He’s already got enough to deal with, he's the Chosen One.
Kim: And now a Veela.
Sequoia: And now a Veela. And gay.
Kim: He doesn't know that yet, maybe. Ah, he probably does, let's be real. Harry tentatively stroked the wings on his own back and let his eyes flutter shut at the amazing sensations that washed through him. Draco woke up when Harry jerked with shock, he tried to assess the immediate situation. He was lying comfortably in bed with Harry Potter, whom he suddenly had no objection to keeping a tight grip on, and Potter had a magnificent pair of verdant wings. “What in the name of Morgan le Fay is going on here?”
Sequoia: Oh Jesus. No.
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: No. I'm… I am upset by that. That upsets me.
Kim: Yeah? Yeah? You don't like that?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Don't like made up swearings? No?
Sequoia: I don't like it.
Kim: “What in the name of Morgan le Fay is going on here?” shouted Draco, his throat dry and voice cracked with confusion. Harry whipped his head round so fast that his neck burned. “Potter, what's going on? Why do you have wings?” asked Draco. “If I had a clue I'd give you one. You do realize you have wings too, don't you?” snapped Harry.
Sequoia: Dipshit.
Kim: Come on, Draco, do you not feel them? They're giant!
Sequoia: [in a sad voice] Do you not feel your wings that are bigger than mine?
Kim: Draco, get your shit together. Draco looked around to see the silver wings. He let go of Harry and sat up sharply. Harry felt slightly bereft at the loss of Draco's arms but sat up also.
Sequoia: Do they imprint on each other, Veelas?
Kim: Oh, apparently these two did.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: “What did you do, Potter?” he growled. “Me? I didn't do anything. What about you? You're the Potions expert, maybe you did this on purpose,” Harry replied angrily.
Sequoia: Okay, so now they're mad at each other even though like two seconds ago they were like, I look at you and I don't feel any need at all… I want to… all I want to do is touch you. And now they're fighting?
Kim: Yeah, ‘cause they have some wings and…
Sequoia: That was literally two seconds ago!
Kim: No, no, it's totally different. Right now, totally different than before. [Sequoia laughs] ‘Cause before they're all, like, sleepy and just waking up and feeling… No, I don't know, dude. “What possible reason would I have to give you wings?” “I don't know. Maybe you want me to try and fly off the astronomy tower,” Harry exclaimed. Why would he want you to fly, Harry?
Sequoia: No, he would want you to jump off with no wings.
Kim: Yeah. Harry!
Sequoia: He wants you to die.
Kim: He did. Till today.
Sequoia: Not any more. Not right now.
Kim: No, not any more. The Slytherin turned to face Harry panting angrily, their noses almost touching.
Sequoia: Now kiss!
Kim: Draco leaned forward slowly.
Sequoia: Now! Kiss!
Kim: And pressed his lips against Harry’s.
Sequoia: Yes!
Kim: They broke apart when they heard a cough coming from the end of the bed. [Sequoia coughs] Dumbledore stood next to Madam Pomfrey. Behind the professors stood a strange man dressed in bright green robes. They all had huge grins on their faces. “What's happened to us, Professor? Was there a potions accident? I can't really remember anything,” said Harry. “Me either, bloody Gryffindors,” mumbled Draco. “The thing is, my dear boy, and the reason you are both here, is that you are both Veela,” said Dumbledore.
Sequoia: This is just so good.
Kim: With a harsh snort. I don't know where the snort goes.
Sequoia: Um, yeah. Um…
[both try to snort harshly, with little success]
Sequoia: That’s a harsh… No, I can’t do it. I gotta try to do it.
Kim: No, I can’t… I can’t make one.
Sequoia: That’s not a thing.
[further attempts are made]
Kim: Nope. That was not it.
Sequoia: That was not good.
Kim: That was not it. That was bad, I’m sorry. I apologise for that noise that I just made. “Is that a good thing?” asked Harry. “Indeed it is, Mr. Potter. The Veela race were thought to be extinct, until today that is.”
Sequoia: Is this tagged alternate universe?
Kim: No, it is not.
Sequoia: Okay then. Never mind, then.
Kim: It is not tagged alternate universe. Nope.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: They are the first Veela in a long time. Neither of their parents are Veela. You know.
Sequoia: It's a recessive gene.
Kim: Like, like happens. Like how it goes, you know. That is how things happen.
Sequoia: Like Muggleborns.
Kim: Sssssssure.
Sequoia: They just… Veela happens.
Kim: Sure. Sure. [both laugh] Wait, but if they're a race how was it in just, like, one recessive…?
Sequoia: [significantly] Exactly.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: What? “The Veela race were thought to be extinct, until today that is.” Draco moaned and ducked his head under the sheets. He was a pureblood. This was not happening. No bloody way. “This is Mr. Livingston,” said Dumbledore, as a plump round faced man with russet coloured woolly hair stepped forward. He seemed extremely nervous but also very excited to be there. “He is the Head of the Magical Creatures Department at the Ministry of Magic. He has a proposition for you both.” Dumbledore then gestured for the man to speak. Yes, Sequoia?
Sequoia: [slightly muffled, as though her hands are over her mouth] They're magical creatures.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: [more clearly] They are magical creatures.
Kim: Yes. Yeah, what’s up?
Sequoia: That’s all I have to say. You can continue now.
Kim: Okay. “Yes, well. Oh, I can't believe it! A dominant and a submissive! This is astounding. Absolutely astounding.”
[gales of laughter from both]
Sequoia: A dominant and a submissive! Oookay!
Kim: Yeah, you got something to say about that, Sequoia?
Sequoia: No. Everyone's… everyone's preferences are okay by me. No judgement.
Kim: Aight. “Astounding! Absolutely astounding,” wailed Mr. Livingston, his big thick black glasses crooked on his hawk-like nose. “What's brilliant, Mr. Livingston?” asked Harry. He was getting more confused by the minute.
Sequoia: That you can mate and have babies. Please continue.
Kim: “Call me Gerry, Mr. Potter. Oh, you're the submissive. Can I touch your wings?” said Gerry, hopefully.
Sequoia: That’s why he has tiny wings.
Kim: He was almost jumping up and down with excitement. “I suppose so,” said Harry, who was amazingly relaxed despite the situation. You know, relaxed, confused.
Sequoia: Submissive. [coughs]
Kim: Submissive. Yeah, all right, fine, fine. Gerry got within an inch of Harry's wings when Draco let out a loud growl.
Sequoia: Dominant.
Kim: Everyone… [stops to laugh]
Sequoia: [also laughing] Oh my god.
Kim: Draco let out a loud growl. Everybody turned to look at him and he blushed. “Sorry.” “Yes, well, it's to be expected, you being the dominant and all. Want to protect your mate, eh?”
Sequoia: Yep, yep.
Kim: Gerry broke into nervous snorts of laughter and patted Draco hard on the leg. “What is your proposition exactly, Gerry?” asked Draco angrily. “Oh, yes. We at the Ministry of Magic require you… that is misters Malfoy and Potter… to enter the first Veela breeding programme, here at Hogwarts.”
Sequoia: Yes, yes. Yes, they can mate and have babies.
Kim: He clapped his hands together with joy. “Breeding? As in Draco and me have children? How does that happen? We're both males,” questioned Harry.
Sequoia: Well, one of you is dominant and one of you is submissive, Harry.
Kim: Right, but they both got outies, Sequoia. [Sequoia laughs] You know? “Oh yes, well, nature seems to have found a way around that, the marvellous thing it is! You see, boys, once you have had intercourse, Mr. Potter being what we call a submissive Veela will carry the children in his womb. And yes, you do have one. Then it's all plain sailing from then on, and soon there will be a nest full of baby Veela in no time.”
Sequoia: Okay, like, a womb is not the only necessary part.
Kim: That's fine. Don't worry about it.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: He'll just…
Sequoia: Yep?
Kim: Excrete them…
Sequoia: Plausible.
Kim: …or something.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: Poop ‘em out.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: Maybe Veela have cloacas. [both laugh again, for quite some time] “There will be a nest full of baby Veela in no time, and we'll be able to save a most interesting species.” Draco and Harry stared at each other in horror for a few seconds. There was no way they could escape this. Once again, fate had decided to devastate their lives. End chapter two.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: It's not that bad, boys.
Sequoia: Don't they see that they're just helping an extinct… a previously thought extinct species continue to exist?
Kim: And that they are members of.
Sequoia: Exactly. Somehow they are members of it.
Kim: Yeah, it's fine. Just do it.
Sequoia: Just do it.
Kim: Just do it. Do it. Get – get to it, boys.
Sequoia: Get to it.
Kim: Get to it. Chapter three.
Sequoia: You have a womb.
Kim: Chapter three. Caged. Later that day Harry and Draco were taken by Gerry to a large room high up in the castle next to the owlery.
Sequoia: The mating room. [both laugh]
Kim: The large door was made of bullet proof glass so that Gerry Livingston and his students could study the Veela without interference.
Sequoia: Study them mating.
Kim: Yes. Yeah, obviously. What else would they study?
Sequoia: You know what? I'm sorry.
Kim: I guess they could study their feeding habits as well.
Sequoia: They didn't like whatever they have for breakfast this morning.
Kim: Yeah, what do Veela eat? Other than penis?
[much laughter]
Sequoia: Continue.
Kim: Uh-huh. Next to the door there was a huge viewing window made of the same substance. From the inside, though, it looked like a mirror. “Draco will be in his element,” Harry thought. You could also see the en-suite bathroom clearly. “Jesus, they'll see everything.”
Sequoia: Yeah, it just got really weird. Like, I say that as though it wasn't weird before, but…
Kim: Yeah, right, come on.
Sequoia: …it just got weirder.
Kim: Well, they’re animals, you know. You watch animals do everything. “Jesus they'll see everything,” muttered Draco as they were steered into the room. What they saw next left them both speechless. In the middle of the room was a huge bowl type object made of what appeared to be twigs and dried mud. It was size of a king bed.
Sequoia: [in an awed whisper] It’s the nest! [laughter] Oh my god! Morgan le Fay!
Kim: The thing was lined with soft hay and sheepskin, and had fur covers thrown on top of it. “What the fuck is that?” said Draco, pointing at the mass in front of him. Come on, Draco.
Sequoia: Yeah, just like, obviously.
Kim: It’s pretty… pretty obvious. Come on, just look at it.
Sequoia: You're supposed to do it in that.
Kim: “That's your nest!” said Gerry with glee. “Nest?” both Harry and Draco said at once. “I will have you know I am not some bloody bird. I am a pureblo…” Draco stopped abruptly, soon realising that if he truly were a pureblood wizard, he wouldn't have a pair of large silver wings sticking out of his back.
Sequoia: Who did his mom have sex with?
Kim: Come on.
Sequoia: [whispering] Narcissa, where’d you find a Veela? Where’d you find it? They were extinct. [in normal voice] Still found one!
Kim: No, it's fine. Let's not worry too much about that either. The rest of the room was charmed to look like a forest with trees and vines growing up the walls and the ceiling.
Sequoia: I like that they're trying to put them in their natural habitat. [Kim laughs] Which, like… what?
Kim: But, like, still in the castle next to the owlery. This Ministry wizard.
Sequoia: Yeah and, like, this isn't their natural habitat.
Kim: No. Their natural habitat was just…
Sequoia: Just…
Kim: Just Hogwarts.
Sequoia: Yeah, just the dormitories.
Kim: Before now. No, now…
Sequoia: Put a weird window in the dormitory!
Kim: Now you’re weird bird men and you need a nest. The rest of the room was charmed to look like a forest with trees and vines growing up the walls, and the ceiling enchanted so you could see the night sky like the one in the Great Hall. The floor was covered with grass and Harry could hear running water coming from a small waterfall in the corner. “So we sleep in the nest?” asked Harry, wondering how on earth these weird things always seemed to occur around him. He was starting to believe there really was a Harry Potter Effect. “Oh yes, we copied it exactly from one that was found in the Black Forest in Germany,” said Gerry, sounding very proud of himself.
Sequoia: That's where Draco and Harry’s dad lived.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Dads. Dads!
Kim: Were they brothers? Wait, what?
Sequoia: Yeah. Nope. There's two of them. I just realised what I said. And then I took it back. I took it back. Dads. In Germany. In a forest.
Kim: Fine. So you’ve decided it wasn't just a recessive gene? They had Veela parents that…
Sequoia: I've decided that now. They're magical creatures.
Kim: Fine. Yeah, no, they're not wizards.
Sequoia: What the hell?
Kim: Somehow. “Well, I will leave you to get acquainted. If you know what I mean.” Gerry winked with a blush and snorted loudly.
Sequoia: Did he…?
Kim: [enunciating clearly] He winked with a blush and snorted loudly.
Sequoia: There’s a lot of snorting.
Kim: He then backed away and shut the transparent door. It was only when he started casting locking spells and then pulled out a big set of keys that Draco got angry. “What are you doing?” shouted Draco, banging on the door. “Let us out, you Muggle-brained bastard!” Gerry just smiled at Draco excitedly. “Ooh, the dominant is getting riled at the thought of being caged!” thought Gerry.
Sequoia: Now we can hear Gerry's thoughts. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah, we’re getting a window into his being. We can see what he's up to.
Sequoia: Oh no! I don't want that.
Kim: You don't want that?
Sequoia: No. I don’t want it, I think I'm good.
Kim: “I'm sorry, Mr. Malfoy. You cannot leave until you and Mr. Potter have made some Veelings, parentheses, baby Veela. You are now designated Veelas, and therefore lost your status as wizards and humans. You are classified as magical creatures. You are now the sole property of the Magical Creatures Department at the Ministry of Magic.”
Sequoia: This is so fucked up.
Kim: Yeah, right? You not people any more.
Sequoia: I can’t… I want this to get real political. Like, I would like it just, like, right now, to turn from being sexy to, like, political.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Yeah, I'm ready. I'm riled.
Kim: All right. All right, like Hermione Granger running a campaign for the rights of these weird bird men.
Sequoia: Yeah, I mean, Harry's her friend.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Her wizard friend.
Kim: Yeah. No.
Sequoia: Not a wizard.
Kim: He's clearly a weird bird dude. Look at his weird wings. His tiny wings.
Sequoia: His tiny wings.
Kim: “And are now the sole property of the Magical Creatures Department at the Ministry of Magic.” And with that, Gerry Livingston strolled off, writing things down on a magical clipboard. “Fuck!” Draco kicked the door in frustration and sat on the floor with his head in his hands, his wings pulled around him. Harry sat on the nest and looked at the floor. The nest was actually quite comfortable, and he flopped back carefully onto his wings. “What are we going to do, Draco?” said Harry as he began to tear up slightly. Draco moved across…
Sequoia: How womanly of him!
Kim: Yeah. Harry! Harry, what happened to you?
Sequoia: He became a woman.
Kim: No, he became a submissive Veela.
Sequoia: Right? A woman.
Kim: Ughhhh!
Sequoia: I'm gonna… see, I'm ready to get real political.
Kim: Political about the gender politics of Veela dominants and submissives, or…?
Sequoia: And also the fact that they're owned by the Ministry.
Kim: Yeah, it’s… “What are we going to do, Draco?” said Harry, as he began to tear up slightly. Draco moved across and climbed over onto Harry, kissing him passionately…
Sequoia: Oh, Jesus.
Kim: …as Harry wrapped his legs around Draco's waist. “There's only one thing we can do,” smiled Draco as he began to undress Harry.
Sequoia: What? Wait, wait! [Kim chortles] I was ready to get political!
Kim: Nope. It's getting sexy. Sorry, buddy. Sorry, buddy.
Sequoia: All right.
Kim: “What's that?” smiled Harry, kissing Draco along his jaw line. “Make love,” said Draco as he bit hard into Harry's neck, claiming his submissive.
Sequoia: He didn’t do that the first time he bit him?
Kim: Right? Gotta bite him again?
Sequoia: How many times you gotta bite him? How many times do you have to bite your submissive before they’re yours?
Kim: Until they fucking get it, Harry. [Sequoia laughing] Harry! Learn your place, Harry. [Sequoia laughs some more] Come on. Harry gave out a keening wail as his eyes rolled back in pleasure. “See that, class? The dominant has claimed its submissive and they are beginning to mate! Get your notebooks out. This is the first Veela mating in hundreds of years!”
Sequoia: Wait, is this class Hogwarts students?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: This is their peers?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Their ex-peers?
Kim: Yes.
[pause]
Sequoia: Continue.
Kim: They’re children. Why are they…? Ughhhhh.
Sequoia: Yep, I'm upset.
Kim: Mmm. Ughhh. Cried Dr. Gerry Livingston to his students, and they began scribbling away furiously. He was dressed in his best white doctor’s robes. “I wonder how much I will get for my book on Veela,” he thought, as the moans and screams eliciting from the Veela habitat in front of him became louder. End of chapter three.
Sequoia: I'm just wondering if chapter four is about child rearing. You know?
Kim: You think there's gonna be a long time skip?
Sequoia: It got political, then it got sexy, and now it's getting domestic.
Kim: It was sexy for a very short amount of time in that last chapter.
Sequoia: Yes. Just, like…
Kim: Like, two sentences.
Sequoia: It was angsty, then it was political. Then it was sexy for a second. And now it's about to get domestic.
Kim: All right. All right. We'll see if you were correct when I read you the chapter title. Chapter four. Escape.
Sequoia: Oh, hell yeah, it's getting political again! [laughter]
Kim: Hermione and Ron were aghast at the announcement at dinner in the Great Hall. Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy were not only the last Veela mating pair on Earth, they had also had their rights as wizards and human beings waived by the Ministry of Magic.
Sequoia: Right, Hermione, let's GO.
Kim: Making them no more than another set of endangered magical creatures. “No way, they can't do that. He's the Boy-Who-Lived, for crying out loud!” shouted Ron. “It's okay, Ron, we’ll ask to see them,” smiled Hermione. “We can't just go waltzing up there, Hermione, it's Dr. Livingston’s Cryptozoology students only!”
Sequoia: What?
Kim: [laughs] Yeah, no, they can't go look at them.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: But when did they sign up for the class? They… that, that happened really quickly. Where did they get those students from?
Sequoia: For the Cryptozoology class?
Kim: Yeah, that wasn't a class before.
Sequoia: It’s always a class.
Kim: Oh, okay. “Ah, well, that's where these will come in handy,” said Hermione, as she held up two laminated student passes. “These are courtesy of Hagrid. He's helping Dr. Livingston with the feeding and maintenance of the Veela habitat,” gestured Mione. [Kim breathes furiously]
Sequoia: Oh, there it is. Oh, she gettin’ mad.
Kim: Hold me back. Hold me back!
Sequoia: Hold my earrings.
Kim: It was a month before Hermione and Ron finally had the chance to go and see Harry and Draco in the habitat. When they…
Sequoia: Wait, it was a month?
Kim: Yeah, it took them a month to get up there.
Sequoia: So, between…
Kim: Between they're, like, let's go up right now I've got these passes. Month goes past while they walk upstairs.
Sequoia: Well they got busy, okay?
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia: They got busy.
Kim: They got stuff to do. They had Transfiguration homework.
Sequoia: They’re, like, oh, man, our best friend is an endangered species but, like, I got shit to do.
Kim: You know, we gotta feed Crookshanks, we gotta… we gotta…
Sequoia: Yeah, in this alternate universe we still gotta feed Crookshanks.
Kim: You know? When they arrived, Harry was vomiting violently into the water feature, while Draco gently stroked his back as he heaved.
Sequoia: He's got morning sickness. This is ridiculous.
Kim: Draco then turned as he saw Ron and Hermione staring at them through the food hatch. “Granger. Weasel. What the hell are you doing here? More people to ogle at us?” “Calm down, Malfoy, we came to see Harry. What's wrong with him, anyway?” asked Ron angrily. “I don't know. Livingston keeps taking him away and doing tests,” growled Draco. “Why do you let him, Draco?” asked Hermione. “Hah! As if I have a chance! They use tranquiliser darts and there isn't exactly anywhere to hide in here.” Draco lifted the floppy Harry and carried him to the nest. “I'd get sick if I had to live with you, Malfoy,” Ron snapped. “Mind what you say about my mate, Weasel,” growled Draco through the square hole in the door. You know, maybe they aren't really wizards any more. Do they really deserve our protection, Sequoia?
Sequoia: Listen. As the spokesperson of the campaign to save the last two endangered Veela…
Kim: From exploitation?
Sequoia: From exploitation. What I have to say on the matter is no, they are not wizards. [both laugh]
Kim: “Oh my god, Harry!” gasped Mione as she saw Harry turn towards them. She nudged Ron in the ribs and he gazed up to look at Harry. Harry Potter lay on the nest beside Draco, looking vaguely ill. His hair was in a worse mess than usual and there were dark rings under his eyes, and he was pale and shaky. “Harry, what has that bastard done to you?” said Ron, idiotically.
Sequoia: What the fuck Steve Kloves?
Kim: That was a perfectly reasonable question!
Sequoia: Yeah, what?
Kim: “He's ill. I don't know why. Livingston ignores us completely when we try to ask any questions,” growled Draco again. “Harry, are you okay? What kind of tests are they doing?” asked Hermione. “I'm fine, Mione, just a little tired. And as for tests, I don't know, they usually sedate me.” Harry sat at the edge of his nest and Draco joined him and held him close. “What else is Dr. Livingston doing?” asked Mione. “Constant checks, mainly. And then there's these.” Harry pulled down his white t-shirt to show them a tagged collar. “That's criminal, Harry!” shouted Ron. Yeah, the collar’s a step too far, Ron.
Sequoia: That's where I draw the line.
Kim: Right? “Yes, apparently it monitors our breathing, heart rates and any changes in our body chemistry, according to Gerry,” said Draco as he rubbed Harry's back. “Harry, I have an idea. Let's get your medical file, it should be in Dr. Livingston's office. Where's your invisibility cloak?” asked Hermione. “I think it's still in Gryffindor tower, under the mattress of my bed.” Harry began to sway slightly and Draco quickly pulled him onto his lap, letting Harry rest on his chest. “Just do whatever you have to to get us out of here,” said Draco. “I know I’ll regret saying this, but I trust you.” “Thank you Draco. We won't let you down,” smiled Hermione.
Sequoia: They’re friends now.
Kim: “Hermione, what are you talking about?”
Sequoia: They’re friends now.
Kim: …asked Ron. Because he doesn't know what's going on.
Sequoia: Right. He’s stupid.
Kim: He still doesn’t know what’s going on. “Hermione, what are you talking about?” asked Ron. “Oh, just come on,” shouted Mione as she dragged the hapless Weasley back to the Gryffindor tower. Later that night, Hermione slowly walked the corridors under the invisibility cloak. She walked slowly past the Veela habitat and was amazed to see that Draco was alone, slumped on the floor near the water feature. On closer inspection, she could see the yellow feathers that were attached to a tranquiliser dart sticking out of Draco's thigh.
It was then that a scream echoed up the corridor. “Harry!” thought Mione. Hermione moved as fast and as stealthily as she could. Following the shouts to the end of the corridor, she came to a swing door with a small glass window in it. Inside, Harry was strapped to a metal table, struggling, hissing and baring his fangs, as Dr. Livingston and two of his colleagues tried to hold him down. “Sedate the submissive before he injures himself!” shouted Livingston over Harry’s shouts. A small blonde man came toward Harry with a hypodermic syringe, but Harry managed to hit out his green wings, knocking it out of the blonde’s hands and throwing a dark haired man against the wall. Why do you think they're using a hypodermic syringe to sedate Harry, when they're wizards?
Sequoia: Um, because…
Kim: Plot reasons?
Sequoia: The wizard magic…
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Doesn’t.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Work.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: On.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Them.
Kim: Fine. Dammit. [Sequoia laughs] Fucking fine. Whatever. Hermione decided it was time to move. She slipped into the room and, hidden by the cloak, picked up the syringe off the floor. She then drove it deep into the arm of Dr. Livingston, before using her wand to petrify the blonde man. “What? Who's there? This is Ministry business!” shouted Dr. Livingston, as he pulled the now empty syringe out of his arm and slumped forward, using the metal table as support. “You'll never get away with this. I am an official,” said Dr. Livingston as he finally fell to the floor, unconscious.
Harry still lay panting and tired, strapped to the table. “Harry, it's okay. We are getting out of here,” said Hermione, as she pulled off the cloak and began to untie the shaken submissive Veela. “Hermione, how did you…?” “Never mind that now, Harry. Grab his keys. I have to get hold of the medical records, then we can find out what he's been doing to you.” Harry quickly regained his composure and grabbed the ring of keys from Dr. Livingston's belt. While Hermione grabbed both Draco and Harry's medical notes from the large filing cabinet in Dr. Livingston's office, Hermione also managed to find the small gold keys to the collars in the top drawer of his desk. “Come on, Harry,” whispered Hermione. As they walked out into the corridor, shouts could be heard echoing off the walls. “Livingston! What have you done with my mate? Where is Harry?” “It's Draco! Draco, I'm here!” shouted Harry.
Sequoia: [laughing] True love.
Kim: [also laughing] Oh, Harry. “Draco, I'm here!” shouted Harry as he quickly tried to open the five locks in the door with the correct keys. Draco was pressed against the door as Harry fumbled with each lock.
Sequoia: Yeah. Pressed. He’s pressed.
[they make sounds apparently representative of pressing]
Kim: Licking the door, I guess. Draco was pressed against the door as Harry fumbled with each lock. “Hurry up, Harry,” whispered Mione. “I'm trying.”
Sequoia: But I'm pregnant!
Kim: [laughs] Can't do it. I'm submissive. I got tiny wings!
Sequoia: I’m pregnant!
Kim: Finally with a loud click the last of the locks was opened, and within seconds Draco had burst out and scooped Harry into his arms. “Put me down now, Draco. We have to leave.” “No.” “Please, Draco.” “No.”
Sequoia: True looove.
Kim: “Please, Draco.” “No.” “I can walk, and you can hold my hand, then.” “No,” said Draco as he pulled Harry closer to him.
Sequoia: These are great voices.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: You’re doing a great job.
Kim: Thank you. “Oh, for goodness sake, Draco, just carry him. Let's get out of here,” Hermione stressed as they ran along the corridor to the staircase. Harry managed to get Draco's collar off with the keys Hermione had found. He threw the collar behind them as he was carried away. Harry suddenly saw a figure in a white coat staggering after them and holding up his wand. Before he could do anything to alert Draco, he felt a burning sensation around his neck and was lost in darkness.
Sequoia: Holy shit.
Kim: Hermione and Draco continued running up the staircase until they reached the owlery, where Ron was waiting, and barricaded themselves in with countless charms. “What took you so long? I thought you were getting some files, not staging a rescue mission!” shouted Ron. “Well, it all kind of just happened,” smiled Hermione. “Just happened? Well that's bloody great. And how do you suppose we all get out of here? Didn't figure that out, did you, brain box?”
Sequoia: Brain box. Wow.
Kim: Ron.
Sequoia: What an asshole.
Kim: Ron, why are you insulting Hermione? Draco sat on one of the large benches and laughed as Granger and the Weasel argued. He slowly moved Harry on to his lap and realised he was sleeping. “Harry?”
Sequoia: Harry's dead!
Kim: “Harry?” Draco began to panic, shaking Harry to wake him up. “Granger, he's not waking up.” “What? Draco, look, the collar is flashing.” Hermione came toward the panicked Draco with her arms up in a sign of submission. Because you don’t wanna anger him.
Sequoia: Right, ‘cause you can’t…
Kim: Yeah, you gotta…
Sequoia: Yeah, you can’t… you gotta…
Kim: You gotta approach slowly.
Sequoia: You gotta approach a magical creature, like…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: And then she bowed… Hermione came toward the panicked Draco with her arms up in a sign of submission. She then slowly rummaged in Harry's pocket and found the small gold keys. The lock clicked and Hermione threw the flashing collar out of the owlery window. “Harry?” Draco stroked Harry's face as he slowly came to. “What happened?” asked Harry. “Well, I think your collar was activated. It must have some sedative effect. I also think it has a tracker on it so Livingston would always know where you were,” Mione said in her know-it-all voice. “Jesus!” shouted Ron.
Sequoia: Oh god.
Kim: And everyone turned to him. He looked as pale as Nearly Headless Nick. “What is it?” asked Mione. “It's Harry! It says in his medical notes that he's…”
Sequoia: Pregnant.
Kim: He’s…
Both: Pregnant! [they laugh]
Kim: End of fiction.
Sequoia: Wha – What? What?! Wha-wha-wha-what?
Kim: Yeah, no, that’s the end. It ends there.
Sequoia: Um.
Kim: There were no more updates.
Sequoia: It didn't get domestic! [laughs]
Kim: No, it did not. It decidedly did not.
Sequoia: I wanna know…
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: …how those babies get out of that man.
Kim: I already told you. Cloaca.
Sequoia: He excretes them.
Kim: Why else would they have a nest, Sequoia? He's gonna lay a bunch of eggs out of his cloaca.
Sequoia: Oh god. Yeah, okay, no, I buy that. I do. I do buy that. I, like, can't even comprehend what just happened.
Kim: Yeah? Yeah? Was it…? How do you feel about that?
Sequoia: It was beautiful.
Kim: Uh huh. It was. It…
Sequoia: There was true love.
Kim: Sure. Ron was there.
Sequoia: Majestic magical creatures.
Kim: Uh-huh.
Sequoia: Um, but okay, what I will say is that for the most part, especially in the beginning, the detail was great.
Kim: Oh, yeah.
Sequoia: Like, I was really digging the detail.
Kim: They did a really good job, like, describing what was happening and how everyone looked and… I don't know.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: But, like, how is this not tagged alternate universe? [laughter]
Kim: I really don't know. I'm not sure if they meant to and then didn't, or if they legitimately don't know what Veela are.
Sequoia: Yeah, I don't know. Or when Harry's birthday is.
Kim: Do you think they just saw the movies? That's something that I didn't think about actually.
Sequoia: Maybe.
Kim: That would explain a lot.
Sequoia: Anyway, all my predictions were wrong.
Kim: Oh, yeah. No. Zero for however many there were.
Sequoia: That was not nice. This is the classic misdirection.
Kim: Oh, yeah. I don't know, there was a Veela nest in it.
Sequoia: There was.
Kim: And it was a fantastical story.
Sequoia: That was amazing.
Kim: I did like the part where Draco bit Harry and was running off down the corridor with him. That was pretty funny.
Sequoia: I would never have been able to, like, to guess where it went.
Kim: To see that coming.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, that was a great time. I really enjoyed myself. I hope that people listening to this enjoyed it as well. It was fun. It was a good time.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Thank you for picking that.
Kim: Yeah. So the fiction that I'm recommending to go along with this one is called Closet Bohemia. It's a short, cute, sweet story about Harry not getting turned into a Veela and having to mate with Draco. It’s something else.
Sequoia: Awesome.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So that link will be in the description. We really hope that you liked it, that you will listen to more of it, will continue to…
Kim: Yeah, if you have any thoughts that you want to share with us, get in touch with us. Leave us a review. Or check out any of our social media pages.
Sequoia: Yeah, we got Facebook, we got Twitter, we got Instagram.
Kim: Or send us an email at fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Sequoia: And our handle on everything is Fanatical Fics.
Kim: So just look us up. Drop us a line. We'd love to hear from you.
Sequoia: Yeah, tweet at us. Be like, hey, I love Drarry, do more of that.
Kim: [laughs] Or hey, that's totally what Veela are like.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: And here are these…
Sequoia: Hey, September 2nd is Harry Potter's birthday.
Kim: Yeah, we'd love to hear from you. We always love hearing constructive criticism.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: So leave us some of that.
Sequoia: Constructive criticism, no flames!
Kim: No flaaaaaaames!
Sequoia: No flames!
Kim: Our thanks as always to the Whomping Willows for the use of our theme song. It's their amazing song Wolfstar.
Sequoia: ‘K bye!