Episode 1: Daydreamer

Welcome to Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them! In this first episode we spend a little more time on introductions than we will in future eps. We tell you about what you can expect from this podcast, go over our history with Harry Potter and fan fiction, and Sequoia will read one of her very own fics.

Recommendation: Fine Print by Sequoia!
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1YYgGurMLyy8sk4YJxywbcGOu49hXSQPTB_5l1vYRnqQ/edit?usp=sharing


This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:

Transcriber: Abbey

If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!

If you’d like a link to the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!



Sequoia: Hello! If you are listening to this episode, chances are you are a new listener to this podcast.

Kim: Hi, welcome.

Sequoia: We're glad to have you.

Kim: So we just wanted to let you know before you get started, though, we're a few months into this at this point and coming back to this episode… it's a little rough.

Sequoia: Yeah, so just…

Kim: It was our first try, we get better.

Sequoia: We promise [both laugh]. If you're not digging it, go ahead and move on to the next one. Or you know, bear with us.

Kim: Thanks.

Sequoia: Have fun!

[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows): You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me]

Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.

Kim: And I'm Kim.

Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.

Kim: Yeah it is.

Sequoia: Yeah it is!

Kim: [whispering] Geddit? Geddit?

Sequoia: It's finally happening.

Kim: It is finally happening. It's kind of weird, actually, that it's happening, because we've been talking so long about doing a podcast that it's kind of crazy that we're actually doing it.

Sequoia: Yeah. I feel very professional with all of our equipments.

Kim: Yeah, seriously. It’s a lot more than I expected. I thought we were gonna have like, a tin can and, you know, some string.

Sequoia: We first started talking about this months ago.

Kim: Yeah.

Sequoia: As just, like, a weird… I don't even… we were talking about Harry Potter fanfiction.

Kim: We do that a lot.

Sequoia: Yeah. [Kim laughs] As we do, yes. As is the norm. As per the usual.

Kim: Uh huh.

Sequoia: And for some reason we were, I don't know, I think one of us just, like, shouted. Because we're generally shouting. So one of us shouted that we should do a podcast about bad Harry Potter fanfiction.

Kim: Yeah.

Sequoia: And then we didn't talk about it again for like…

Kim: Several months.

Sequoia: Several months. It almost seemed like it had been a joke, but it was… I don't think it was ever really a joke.

Kim: No. Nah. Nah. [Sequoia laughs] I wasn’t kidding.

Sequoia: Yeah, I wasn't kidding. So…

Kim: And then we realized neither of us was kidding.

Sequoia: Yeah, that was actually a really great moment for me because I was convinced that you were kidding.

Kim: I mean, I am often kidding.

Sequoia: You can never tell. [Kim laughs] But we have, in the past, like, when we used to live together and we'd sit down and open fanfiction.net and just search for the most ridiculous garbage.

Kim: Oh, for sure. Try to find the most disgusting one was something we did pretty frequently.

Sequoia: We did that a lot. We did that a lot.

Kim: Yeah. And… it’s really fun.

Sequoia: It almost was like that whole thing that we did as roommates started because one time we were talking about my fanfiction, and you guys demanded to read something.

Kim: Obviously. We needed that window into your being.

Sequoia: Exactly. And you know what, I think it's a good… like, it's a good way to find out who somebody really is.

Kim: Oh, yeah. To look at all the weird stuff they're hiding inside of them, that they can only release [Sequoia laughs] through writing about Harry Potter characters.

Sequoia: [still laughing] Exactly. And I mean, I needed you guys, in that time, to sit down and read my fanfiction and tell me that it was semi-pornographic. Because I didn't know!

Kim: But it was. It really was.

Sequoia: And now I know, but it’s… I swear it's just that one. And I still will stand by that, and I'm sure…

Kim: Yeah, we'll see. We’ll see.

Sequoia: We’ll see how that goes. But yeah, we sat down and we read one of mine and it was hilarious and semi-pornographic, and then we just dove straight into the depths of fanfiction.net.

Kim: Which is basically what we're going to be doing in this podcast.

Sequoia: Right. So we're going to be reading fanfiction to each other.

Kim: Yeah. So one person is going to pick a particularly interesting fanfiction every time we do this, and they're going to read it to the other person.

Sequoia: Yeah. So we'll be sort of like a blind listener who's not really in the know of what's going on with that fanfiction.

Kim: Yeah, they’ll have no idea what's about to come at them.

Sequoia: Which is gonna make it suuuper fun! And then we're also doing sort of like a restriction, and there's only one restriction on what we're doing. We're trying not to, like, cage ourselves as far as the fanfictions that we're choosing. But we are saying that we're not going to pick anything that's been written within the last ten years.

Kim: Yeah, so that means things that came out before the… before book seven came out.

Sequoia: Right. Yeah. And I mean, fanfiction was like, really, really going before book seven, because you didn't know what was happening. You didn't know what was gonna happen.

Kim: Yeah, it's a really interesting time in fanfiction history. But we also are trying to do the ten year restriction just because we feel like that gives people enough space so that they aren't really emotionally invested in what happened with their work.

Sequoia: Right. Like, you know, you can be a little bit more critical of your own work after a certain point in time, which apparently we decided was ten years. Um?

Kim: I don’t know. Ten years ago I was a very different person than I am today, so…

Sequoia: Exactly. So yeah.

Kim: I don’t care about what that idiot wrote anywhere. [laughs]

Sequoia: Yeah. [in a voice that suggests this is personal] I don't care about what I wrote less than ten years ago also… she said. [Kim laughs] So we are doing the reader and the blind listener, and the blind listener is going to have to do predictions.

Kim: Right. So before the story is read to them, they will get the title of the story and the genre that the story is in, and they'll have to kinda try to guess at some key components of the story.

Sequoia: Yeah, like a main character or a big plot point. Sometimes the title really does give away, like, a really big plot.

Kim: Yeah.

Sequoia: But it'll be, you know… We can get specific, we can be a little bit vague. And if you're the reader, you kind of get to… pick if the things were right or not.

Kim: Yeah, sure, we'll score it like that.

Sequoia: Yeah, it'll be fine.

Kim: It’ll be totally fair.

Sequoia: And we'll put the score somewhere. It's a competition. This is a competition.

Kim: Totally fair competition.

Sequoia: I'm going to win the competition. [Kim laughs] And that's it. That's the end. In this… Also in this spirit of goodwill towards authors and such, we are going to be recommending a good fanfiction in the description of our podcast.

Kim: Yeah. We’ll drop a link in the description of a fanfiction that we really liked, and you guys will be able to read that if you like.

Sequoia: Yeah. So when you listen to the podcast, not only do you get to listen to something that might be a little bit flawed, but you also get a good fanfiction out of this experience.

Kim: If you're interested.

Sequoia: Yeah, if you're interested in it.

Kim: [half whispering] We're not gonna make you listen to it. Or maybe we will. I'm gonna come to your house [Sequoia laughs] and read you a fanfiction.

Sequoia: That’s ver’ creepy. You're already in my house. You're already reading fanfictions to me.

Kim: That’s what’s gonna happen, see? Here I am in your house. I’m gonna read you…

Sequoia: …read you some fanfictions. It’s getting weird. So this first one, though, is going to be a little bit different because, you know… and we really want to get the point across here. Like, the act of writing fanfiction is not lame, there's nothing stupid about that. It's just another way to be a fan and to live in the world of the characters and to, you know, sort of flesh them out and get a better understanding of characters for yourself. However, some fanfiction is just, like…

Kim: Not… well constructed.

Sequoia: Yeah. [Kim laughs] Or so out of character that you're like, why didn't you just write an original story? [both laugh] But, you know, we're not here to tell you that fanfiction is stupid. We're here to…

Kim: Poke fun at the ridiculous nature of some fanfictions. It's a perfectly healthy way to express yourself and connect with fandom, but it can be ridiculous sometimes.

Sequoia: Yeah. And to sort of, like, illustrate the point here, we are going to start out today reading one of my fanfictions that I have selected to be… [with emphasis] particularly bad. And Kim is going to be talking about…

Kim: I was gonna… I was thinking I’d talk a little bit about the sorts of things that I would write for the Neopets role playing forums. I unfortunately could not find anything because it's hecka old and no one saved it. But I can... I can kind of… I'm gonna sketch you a visual, mental picture of the kind of nonsense I would write.

Sequoia: Yeah, that sounds great. I'm excited about it. Yeah. It's gonna be awesome. I just think that before we get into that we should probably talk a little bit about our history in fanfiction. Like, why we wrote it or read it or stuff like that. So, how did you get into fanfiction?

Kim: As a kid I was never… I didn't ever write fanfiction. I did other things to involve myself in the fandom, but I didn't write fanfiction. I spent a lot of my time as a kid reading bad fanfiction because I thought it was hilarious. Because it is hilarious.

Sequoia: Yeah.

Kim: So it was kind of funny to get back into it doing the same thing but with my friends. Reading the bad ones and kind of, like, shitting on them.

Sequoia: Yeah. [both laugh] I spent a lot of time reading what I thought at the time was good fanfiction. I spent a lot of time on a site when I was a probably, like, middle school, early high school even, I spent a lot of time on a site called checkmated, which was dedicated specifically to Ron and Hermione fanfiction. [Kim laughs] And there was, you know, in retrospect, a lot of garbage, but I really enjoyed reading it. There was a whole… there was just, like... because of the ship wars, you know?

Kim: Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh.

Sequoia: There’s a whole, like… you're either Ron and Hermione or you're Harry and Hermione.

Kim: And wrong. You’re wrong.

Sequoia: And if you… Yeah, yeah. Unless you're going, like, movie canon. [Kim sighs] Unless you're deciding that, like, the movies are real.

Kim: But why would you do that? There's no… [sighs]

Sequoia: No, Steve Kloves one hundred percent just, like, made Ron into a dipshit. And then, you know, you can't deny the actual on screen chemistry between Emma Watson and Dan Radcliffe.

Kim: Right. But it's wrong.

Sequoia: But it’s wrong, yeah. No, I'm not… Yeah.

Kim: That was probably my biggest part about fanfiction. The reason that I didn't get into it seriously, the reason I had to come in through satire and stuff was because I was so connected with the canon that anything that I thought of as wrong just pissed me off. So I couldn't handle Harry/Hermione because I was like, no, there's no canon backing for that in the books. So I didn't like fanfiction because generally, you know, something's off. Like, they don't totally capture every character correctly or somebody does something ridiculous and I'm like, no! They wouldn't do that in the books, I don’t wanna read this any more, that’s stupid!

Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, I can see how that would have turned you off from fanfiction, because it does get pretty… crrrazy.

Kim: Oh, yeah.

Sequoia: But, like, the thing about it was… is, I could deal with… I felt the same way as, like, Harry and Hermione would never be together but it was plausible enough that it made me angry. Like, I don't want to acknowledge that this has any kind of validity, because it does have a little bit of validity. Whereas the dumbest shit where you're like, yeah, Hermione and Draco. [Kim laughing] I'd read that garbage and it was totally entertaining because that would never fucking happen, you know?

Kim: Yeah.

Sequoia: And I wasn't worried about it happening at the time. So it was just, like, fun fluff.

Kim: Yeah.

Sequoia: Man, I miss the ship wars, okay? [laughs]

Kim: I think the only reason we can actually do this is because we were on the same side in the ship wars. If we had been on opposite sides, we would have to physically fight.

Sequoia: H-oh! [laughs] And we know who would win that fight. And it's me.

Kim: [laughs] Rude.

Sequoia: Rude. Sure. Yeah. So I feel like we both have… we have an interesting history of fanfiction. And…

Kim: You know, I think we should probably talk a little bit about our history with Harry Potter and our nerd cred.

Sequoia: So I started reading the Harry Potter books when I was in elementary school and funny enough, my mom's roommate got me the fourth book for christmas, because she just was like, [high, croaking voice] “Oh, the kids, they love Harry Potter. Mrarrrgh.” And she just gave me the fourth book. She didn't like understand that it is a series.

Kim: A series. Sure.

Sequoia: Yeah. So I read the fourth book first.

Kim: No, yeah, I didn't know that.

Sequoia: I can't believe you didn't know that about me. This is insane.

Kim: This is insane.

Sequoia: I was just, like… You know what? It was a total bummer for reading the second book because the whole time you're like, Tom Riddle is Voldemort though, guys…

Kim: Oh god.

Sequoia: Right? And then like, why did they do that? No, I read the fourth book and I loved it. I think the fourth book might be my favorite book because it was my first book.

Kim: The fourth book is my favorite book as well.

Sequoia: Yeah, it's so good.

Kim: But for other reasons.

Sequoia: I read the first… I went back and read the first three and then I was, like, primed right there for that whole giant wait…

Kim: Right. The three year…

Sequoia: In between four and five… The crazy, yeah. Because she had gotten me the fourth book, I think, right after it came out. Yeah. So that was how I got into reading them. And I was just, like, a huge fan for a long time, just doing, like, Halloween costumes as Hermione and you know, stuff like that. Very kid fan things. I probably started writing fanfiction around eleven…ish.

Kim: Okay, yeah.

Sequoia: And I wrote it until I was about seventeen. And…

Kim: Later than…

Sequoia: That’s… Yeah, that's…

Kim: That’s fine.

Sequoia: I'm gonna say that and I'm gonna stick with it.

Kim: That’s fine.

Sequoia: You know? I am not ashamed of that. I did a lot… most of my writing was on the Warner Brothers Harry Potter forums. Which is just, like, that is some deep shit. Like, you can't… you know, I feel like you aren't really real… [in an earnest, nasal, voice] You weren't a real Harry Potter fanfiction writer unless you were on the Warner Brothers Harry Potter fanfiction forums, because that was where the real shit went down. And also there was writing competitions on there and I did a ton of those, and I ran a ton of those. I think probably what we'll read today ended up being from a writing competition. After high school I ended up going to a couple of Harry Potter conventions. I went to Infinitus in 2010 and Leakycon in 2011. That's a really big part of my life.

Kim: Mhm. Mhm.

Sequoia: Anyway, how did… tell us about you.

Kim: Yeah, I don't have the deep connections to fandom that Sequoia does. I don’t. I got the first book… I think I was eight. So that would have been… around 2000? And my uncle gave it to me for like Christmas or my birthday. And I took one look at it, and I was like, ew, I don't want to read that book, it's about a boy. [Sequoia laughs] Boys are gross. I don’t want to read that. And then eventually, you know, I was bored and I picked it up. And obviously, I became obsessed, read those first ones, and then I read the fourth book… during the long period between four and five, I read that fourth book eleven times.

Sequoia: Oh my God.

Kim: Because… reasons. [laughs] So the fourth book is my favorite but probably just because of repeated viewings.

Sequoia: Right.

Kim: I mean, there are a lot of arguments for why it's one of the best. It's the major turning point in the tone and characters’ lives and everything, so there… it's not just because I'm a weird person. I read it a lot of times because it was good. But also because I'm a weird person, you know?

Sequoia: Right, yeah.

Kim: Sure, whatever. And so I read… Then around eleven I just signed up for the Neopets forums and my experience with writing Harry Potter related fan things was I would roleplay, on the Neopets forums, Harry Potter scenarios. So I had, like, a character and that kind of stuff. And then as I got… I read fanfiction on and off through the satire type things making fun of bad ones and things like that. But I kind of petered off and became less of a fan. I mean, I went to all the midnight releases for five, six and seven. I did a lot of… I would read those books as fast as possible. I think I read six and seven within twenty-four hours of getting it.

Sequoia: As did I.

Kim: Because you had to read it that fast or else someone was gonna ruin it.

Sequoia: You’d get spoiled. Yeah.

Kim: Just the worst.

Sequoia: Assholes.

Kim: Yeah. So… and then as I got older I kind of left the fandom. And then I met you. [laughs]

Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeahhhhh.

Kim: [laughs] I had very strong feelings as a child about canon, so I rarely touched the main timeline trio stuff. I stayed as far away from that as possible because I felt like anyone who wrote that did such a bad job in general that, why bother? I thought that those characters were sacred and should not be touched. [Sequoia laughs] So I did a lot of… the role playing that I did was generally marauders era stuff, and I would generally be a original character who I had come up with myself.

Sequoia: Oh god.

Kim: This original character was a… [small sigh]… was a self insert, I'm not gonna lie. And you know, a lot of people complain about, like, Mary Sues and Mary Sueism and self inserting yourself as a character. And there's nothing wrong with that. You love these books and you want to be a part of them and that's okay. But oftentimes they are ridiculous. [Sequoia laughs] Mine wasn't a wandless magic user or the child of a prophecy or anything like that. I thought those were ridiculous, because obviously there is no canon backing for that kind of stuff.

Sequoia: [laughs] Obv.

Kim: No, she was… So I would… I worked so hard to stay away from those tropes that she was pretty boring. She was a Ravenclaw student who generally was just kind of there. She would interact with the characters, whoever else was role playing and stuff but she, like, didn't have any particular crushes on anyone or she wouldn't try to do anything. So she was pretty boring. She just kind of was like, hi, I'm here. [Sequoia laughs] She looked kind of like me, but slightly better. Sometimes if there wasn't anything happening in one and you needed to kind of like kick it and get it going, I would be like, oh, she got a letter from home saying that Voldemort had killed her family, so she's angsting, a lot. [in a whisper] Angst, angst, angst. But generally, no, she was just like a background character that didn't do anything and it was kind of pointless.

Sequoia: So, like, what kind of things were going on in the roleplay that you would be pointlessly observing?

Kim: Oh, right. So usually, like the marauders, somebody would like come in and be like, [puts on dudebro voice] Oh, I'm James, and another one would be like, Oh, I'm Sirius, and they would like do prank things, you know.

Sequoia: Classic.

Kim: Or there would be… or there would be a ball coming up and, you know…

Sequoia: Oh hell yeah. [laughs]

Kim: ‘Cause, you know, all the balls that Hogwarts throws all the time and whatever. And so there'd be a ball coming up and people would be like getting ready, you know, asking each other out and things like that. Or you would like go to Hogsmeade for the weekend and hang out. It was really… there was generally, like, not a big point to them, so they were just kind of like characters hanging out and interacting with each other in ways that we thought that they might. There wasn't usually a story or anything, it was just kind of like improv, bouncing off each other and going nowhere because we were all children and had no idea what we were doing.

Sequoia: That sounds like fun.

Kim: No. No, it sounds like…

Sequoia: No?

Kim: No, it was. I really enjoyed it as a kid. It was a way for me to interact with things that I liked, and… but not touch the sacred parts.

Sequoia: Oh, yeah. Right.

Kim: Couldn't touch those.

Sequoia: Um, same.

Kim: So I'm really excited about what I'm about to hear.

Sequoia: Yeah, so I actually have, in my Google Drive, folders full of fanfiction.

Kim: [whispering] Yes! Yes!

Sequoia: Oh my god, I just [laughs]… I just remembered what my username on Harry Potter fanfiction… or no, on the Warner Brothers forums was…

 Kim: Yeah?

Sequoia: ‘Cause it's written right here on this. It's definitely ronscutiepie.

Kim: [in delight] Oh my god. [laughs]

Sequoia: I had totally forgotten about that. [Kim still laughing] And now people know. I've said it. I've said it, it's gonna go in the podcast. [laughs]

Kim: Ohhhhh, you said it out loud! Oh no. So, ronscutiepie, what do you have to share with us today?

Sequoia: Would you like to make a prediction on the the comedy fanfiction entitled Daydreamer?

Kim: Oh my goodness. [thoughtfully] Comedy fanfiction entitled Daydreamer. I’m trying to think about what I know about you as a person, [Sequoia laughs] but I feel like I didn't know you back then so I have no idea what you would have wanted to say. Okay. Hermione is the main character and she is thinking about… boys. Specifically Ron, and how much she totally doesn't like him.

Sequoia: Okay, good. Good prediction, good prediction. We'll see at the end how well you did on that. [Kim laughs] This was written for round one of a writing competition called Starlight, apparently. And I also have another one that’s Starlight round two, and Starlight round three, so…

Kim: Oh, you advanced!

Sequoia: I advanced.

Kim: In this writing competition. You…

Sequoia: This… this… this garbage advanced me in the writing competition.

Kim: You won something with this. [both laugh]

Sequoia: I think I might have won this entire competition, now that I think about it. [Kim laughs] Here we go. This is Daydreamer by ronscutiepie. [both laugh] I have to [through laughter] give myself a second, I can’t go straight in! [more laughter from both] Oh I’m crying, It's fine.

Kim: Okay.

Sequoia: Are you ready?

Kim: Yes.

Sequoia: [clears throat] “No, my dear brother, I believe it's your turn.” George Weasley smirked and patted his twin on the back. Fred smiled widely. “Oh no, my dear brother. I will not be falling for that one. I do believe that I was the one to try the Pucker Sucker hard candy, [Kim laughs] if you remember…” [Sequoia breaks off, laughing]

Kim: The what? Please stop. [both laugh] The Pucker… Sucker?

Sequoia: Yes, it was the Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes candy that I made up for this story.

Kim: Oh, sure, sure. Yes. Fine. [Sequoia laughs] Pucker Sucker. You said this one wasn't pornographic, Sequoia.

Sequoia: Oh my god. [both laugh] Why you gotta be like that?

Kim: Because you wrote “Pucker Sucker”.

Sequoia: I didn't mean to. I never meant to! [both laugh some more]

Kim: And this is a George and Fred fic, I take it. Is that…?

Sequoia: Sort of.

Kim: Okay. All right.

Sequoia: Oh, my God. Stop trying to get me to tell you what it's about!

Kim: Fine.

Sequoia: Continuing. “If you remember properly, I almost kissed Trelawney full on the lips. [Kim snorts] We agreed on you trying the next two products,” Fred sniggered at his reluctant brother, who sighed. [Kim sighs gustily] “I really don't fancy getting all glazed eyes and drooling all over myself. There can't be any harm in trying it out on a lucky little first year, can there?” he said hopefully.

Kim: They're trying their date rape drugs on the first years. [Sequoia laughs] Sequoia. Sequoia!

Sequoia: [through laughter] That is so much worse than I thought it was gonna be!

Kim: So I'm confused, what are the effects of the Pucker Sucker?

Sequoia: Oh my god. No, this is….

Kim: Why was he kissing Trelawney?

Sequoia: Pucker Sucker hard candy is not what this fic is about.

Kim: Why was he kissing? [whispering] Why was he kissing?

Sequoia: Because apparently when you take the Pucker Sucker hard candy, you just, like, want to make out with everyone?

Kim: Okay.

Sequoia: I think that that was the thing about that. But that's… but that's not the product that's being tested.

Kim: That’s disturbing.

Sequoia: That’s not the product…

Kim: That’s disturbing.

Sequoia: …that's being tested in this fic. I just…

Kim: That sounds like the… the… plot hook of a terrible fanfiction. Like, oh no, I took a candy and now I'm making out with Draco. Oh no! [Sequoia wails with laughter] [Kim makes an untranscribable noise indicative of helpless making out with Draco] It's a waste. This is a waste of…

Sequoia: I know.

Kim: …a quality plot point.

Sequoia: You know, for all I know I might have taken that candy out of this fic and put it in another one that made it into, you know…

Kim: I'm gonna lift it. I’m gonna write something disgusting.

Sequoia: You’re gonna take it? Yeah? Okay. Um, I guess that's fine.

Kim: I’ll credit you.

Sequoia: This is my greatest work, though, so…

Kim: Magnum Opus.

Sequoia: [clears throat] Fred donned a look of interest before discarding it in favor of a more annoyed feel. “You forget, George, we've been banned…”

Kim: Wait, what? Go back.

Sequoia: Oh no, no, I'm not gonna read that sentence again. It doesn't make sense. [both laugh]

Kim: That was nonsense.

Sequoia: No, that was nonsense and you don't need to hear it again, because it won't help you understand it any better.

Kim: [both laugh] Okay. Fine. Fine.

Sequoia: “You forget, George, we've been banned from testing in common areas by a certain someone.” He raised his eyebrows at George who suddenly comprehended his meaning. Hermione.

Kim: What a bitch.

Sequoia: “But if our git…” [laughs] “But if our git of a brother didn't fancy the pants off of her, we'd turn her into a toad. Temporarily, of course.” “Of course.”

Kim: Uh huh. Fred and George would turn Hermione into a toad.

Sequoia: Into a toad.

Kim: Except for Ron likes her, so they won’t, because they care so much about what Ron thinks.

Sequoia: Yeah, because they care so much about what Ron thinks. [laughs again]

Kim: I see.

Sequoia: Yeah.

Kim: I see.

Sequoia: Listen, this is a… I'm taking liberties here.

Kim: [after a long pause] Yes.

Sequoia: Many. [both laugh] “What I wouldn't do for just an hour without her breathing down our necks, mate.” Fred nodded in agreement. The two boys sat in silence for a moment, minds on overdrive. All of a sudden both heads shot up. Eyes stared straight ahead. They turned, to show identical smiles filled with mischief.

Kim: Uh huh.

Sequoia: “You are brilliant.” “No, you are brilliant.” “On the contrary, you are brilliant.” “We are brilliant.”

Kim: Does this… does this continue much longer?

Sequoia: There's just four times! Oh my gosh, I'm just trying to… [laughs]

Kim: Uh huh. Uh huh.

Sequoia: Hermione Granger sighed as she stumbled sleepily through the portrait hole and collapsed into a chair next to the fire. The cotton inter… the cotton… What the fuck? [both laugh] Yo, let me try that again. Okay. The soft cotton exterior felt soothing against her skin, and the fluffy chair seemed to engulf her small form.

Kim: Uh huh.

Sequoia: Sleep was coming fast, she could tell.

Kim: And then it ate her? The chair.

Sequoia: The ch… [laughs] Story’s over.

Kim: And then she died. [both laugh] Hermione Granger, eaten by a chair. [Sequoia laughs again]

Sequoia: RIP. That’s on her tombstone; eaten by a chair.

Kim: Yup.

Sequoia:If only I could gather the energy to walk up the stairs to my dormitory,” she thought, her mind wandering to her comfy bed upstairs. But before she knew it, she was drifting fast into a deep sleep, her eyes heavy and her mind filled with foggy images. Before the light was out completely, she heard a whispered conversation that her groggy mind couldn't make sense of. “It wasn't supposed to knock her out completely.”

Kim: Oh god!

Sequoia: “Bloody hell, look at her.”

Kim: Oh no! [laughing] What have they done? Date rape drugs!

Sequoia: “Not that I'm complaining.”

Kim: I mean, that's kind of canon if you think about it.

Sequoia: What?

Kim: Love potions are totally…

Sequoia: Okay.

Kim: Come on.

Sequoia: Yeah.

Kim: Come on.

Sequoia: Yeah.

Kim: No. Not okay. Some of them are children.

Sequoia: But that’s not what this is! Yo, okay.

Kim: They knocked her out…

Sequoia: Like, you are taking it totally out of context! [laughs]

Kim: I’m not! This is what you wrote. Fred and George Weasley have knocked Hermione Granger out to do who knows what to her!

Sequoia: [laughs] It wasn't supposed to knock her out completely…

Kim: Uh huh.

Sequoia: … is what they said.

Kim: Uh huh.

Sequoia: I'd like you to refer back to the text, please.

Kim: No. [both laugh] I will make my own inferrations.

Sequoia: Inferrations. Good.

Kim: That was not a word.

Sequoia: No. No. Please stop. Okay. Just as quickly as she had fallen asleep, Hermione was up again. The common room looked just as she had left it. Her bag lay beside the chair, and the clock showed that she had only been asleep for five minutes. The only thing different was the way everything looked, as though the castle had been covered in a very thin white mist. Hermione did not think it was odd, though. She merely accepted it and moved on.

Kim: Right.

Sequoia: Pulling her homework from the bag next to her, Hermione began to arrange the table in front of her for her work.

Kim: Sure.

Sequoia: That was a badly constructed sentence.

Kim: Yes.

Sequoia: At that moment the…

Kim: ‘Cause she's very good at rearranging the molecules of tables.

Sequoia: Yes.

Kim: She's top in Transfiguration, you know. [Sequoia laughs]

Sequoia: That's true, yeah.

Kim: So she’s…

Sequoia: That’s… It's not an outlandish thing to say.

Kim: …moulding the table like…

Sequoia: Like a…

Kim: As if it were clay, so that it's ready for her work.

Sequoia: Yeah.

Kim: That she's going to do upon it.

Sequoia: Thank you for explaining what I meant by that sentence. Truly.

Kim: That totally was… yes.

Sequoia: That's exactly where I was going.

Kim: Uh huh.

Sequoia: I'm sure.

Kim: Just rearrange that table.

Sequoia: At that moment the portrait hole opened and in came Harry and Ron. Ron had a large basket of muffins in his arms and was shoving one in his mouth.

Kim: Oh, yeah. You know, Ron does love eating. That is all he does.

Sequoia: He does love eating. That's canon as fuck, dude. [laughs]

Kim: All he does, though. He never does anything else.

Sequoia: Yeah.

Kim: He carries around food at all times, and…

Sequoia: Just eats.

Kim: …is just constantly shoving it into his mouth.

Sequoia: Yeah, that's some movie canon right there.

Kim: Yeah. That is how things work.

Sequoia: I mean, he is the one that has to go down to the kitchens and all that jazz, right?

Kim: No.

Sequoia: Isn't he the one that wants to go down to the kitchens to get food all the time?

Kim: I mean, who doesn't? I would go down.

Sequoia: I mean, yeah, maybe that's why we really… I relate. I relate to that.

Kim: Yeah.

Sequoia: Harry appeared to be paying absolutely no attention to Ron's behavior, and was instead holding a mirror in front of his face and pursing his lips.

Kim: Sure.

Sequoia: Hermione…

Kim: Is he practising his duck face? Was this when duck face was a thing?

Sequoia: This was not… I predicted duck face!

Kim: Oh! Oh! Look at you, look at you.

Sequoia: Oh shit. [laughs]

Kim: No, don’t. Never mind.

Sequoia: You're not gonna look at me? Okay. [Kim laughs] Hermione stared at the two for a second before addressing their odd behavior. “Ronald, what are you eating?”

Kim: Muffins, is she blind?

Sequoia: Bitch. Muffins, bitch. [laughs]

Kim: Come on, Hermione. It’s right there in the story.

Sequoia: “Did you get the house elves to make those? You know how I feel about— For goodness sake, Harry, will you put that mirror down?” Hermione turned her attention to Harry as he began to make odd, slurping, sucking noises at the mirror. He looked up for a moment…

Kim: Oh. Oh no. [both laugh] Is he practicing something, Sequoia?

Sequoia: Hm? Hold please. The… the text, okay?

Kim: Sequoia?

Sequoia: The text!

Kim: Harry?

Sequoia: Stop! “I've got to get ready for the ladies, love,” Harry stated with an air of annoyance.

Kim: Ohhh god! Seriously?

Sequoia: Hermione opened her mouth to retort, but Ron interrupted her. “Have a muffin, Mione.” He held out a large…

Kim: No! No!

Sequoia: Yep!

Kim: Hold!

Sequoia: Yep! Yep!

Kim: Stop!

Sequoia: No! No!

Kim: Mione!

Sequoia: No! Let it happen! [both laugh]

Kim: Nicknameification! [groans, deeply and long]

Sequoia: [urging, in a loud whisper] Let it happen!

Kim: No! Unnecessary nicknameification. The thing about “Mione” is that… why? It was so common, and so… it's in like every fanfiction from this time period.

Sequoia: I was convinced up until like, right this moment, right now, that that actually was canon.

Kim: No! No!

Sequoia: O-okay. That never actually was a thing. Hm.

Kim: I’m pretty sure no one ever actually calls her that.

Sequoia: I give Mione a pass.

Kim: I wish there were more fanfiction writers that had gone the other direction from Mione and just called her Her. [Sequoia laughs] Hey, Her, how's it going?

Sequoia: Her? [both laugh]

Kim: Yes.

Sequoia: Egg?

Kim: Her? That’s it. That is it.

Sequoia: Good. Yeah. Yay pop culture references!

Kim: Oh no.

Sequoia: Okay, so wait, where was I? Okay, so Ron has just offered Mione a muffin.

Kim: Mhm.

Sequoia: He held out a very large blueberry muffin and waved it under her nose. Hermione got the feeling that Ron was not asking her, but rather telling her, to have the muffin. She grabbed it from his hand and he returned…

Kim: Was he gonna force it into her mouth or what?

Sequoia: I don't know.

Kim: How does…?

Sequoia: I have no idea what that means.

Kim: How do you…?

Sequoia: I don't know what that means. [laugh]

Kim: Eat this muffin or else. Mione.

Sequoia: [in a gruff, threatening voice] Wanna muffin, Mione? Yeah, this makes sense if I was doing the voice right.

Kim: Oh, okay. [both laugh] That's what's wrong with it.

Sequoia: That's what’s wrong with it. That’s all that's wrong with it.

Kim: Incorrect voicing.

Sequoia: She grabbed it from his hand and he returned his attention to the gigantic chocolate muffin he was consuming. “Hi guys, don't you have Muggle Studies right now?” Neville had just wandered into the common room from the dormitories, and he addressed the whole group.

Kim: Because the whole group has Muggle Stu-dies to-ge-ther?

Sequoia: You go to classes with your house generally.

Kim: Yeah, but Harry and Ron did not take Muggle Studies.

Sequoia: Oh my god.

Kim: Sequoia. [Sequoia laughs] Stick to the damn canon.

Sequoia: Wait, okay. No, like, hold please, though. I'm not entirely sure when this was written.

Kim: Ah.

Sequoia: So…

Kim: Dude.

Sequoia: Give me some cred.

Kim: How do you not know that's an important part?

Sequoia: I don’t know.

Kim: ‘Cause we gotta place it in the timeline.

Sequoia: I don’t know. Okay. Uhh… the… uhh… mmm… I have no idea when this was written.

Kim: And I mean…

Sequoia: That was bad. That was a bad thing to…

Kim: It's not like Harry would want to take Muggle Studies. He has no reason to take it.

Sequoia: Yeah.

Kim: Hermione takes it because she's a freak.

Sequoia: Well no, but like, hold for the text please.

Kim: Ugh.

Sequoia: “Don't be silly, Neville. Classes are over for the day. Besides, these two don't take Muggle Studies.”

Kim: Oh!

Sequoia: Oh. What’s up?

Kim: I got toooooold!

Sequoia: You got told. See? You gotta wait for the text.

Kim: [laughs] No.

Sequoia: I also didn't know that that was coming next in the text. [both laugh]

Kim: Neville, why are you so wrong all the time?

Sequoia: Neville.

Kim: Such a idiot.

Sequoia: “Are you quite all right, Neville?” Ron and Neville exchanged worried glances. Harry was too busy looking at himself to partake.

Kim: Sure.

Sequoia:Hermione, I think maybe you should go lie down.” Hermione shook her head.

Kim: Because she’s the one having problems?

Sequoia: Because she's obviously fucking crazy is what they're saying right now.

Kim: Right? Neville always knows what's going on, Hermione.

Sequoia: Yeah.

Kim: Why would you doubt him?

Sequoia: Neville wouldn't accidentally sleep through all classes in a day.

Kim: [laughs] Oh Neville.

Sequoia: Oh Neville.

Kim: Awww.

Sequoia: I love Neville. Hermione shook her head and grabbed at her Transfiguration book so she could continue her homework. Her hand was intercepted by Ron.

Kim: Oh no.

Sequoia:  “It's okay, Neville we’ll take her to class with us. She'll feel better in no time,” he informed Neville. Harry looked up at Neville, tearing his eyes from his reflection. “That will be all, Neville. You may leave us now.”

Kim: Okay. [laughs] Is this actually how you see Harry? Or is this like…?

Sequoia: You know what?

Kim: This is how you feel like Harry acts all the time?

Sequoia: I'm not gonna dive into like the deeper connotations of the story right now.

Kim: Okay, fine. It’s just that I’m worried…

Sequoia: But yes. [laughs]

Kim: …that you’re as bad as Snape.

Sequoia: Oh! You did not just… right now. I'm leaving.

Kim: Look. Look.

Sequoia: I'm leaving. This podcast is over.

Kim: Harry is a hero. [both laugh immoderately]

Sequoia: Yeah, good.

Kim: [Sequoia continues to laugh] I will not have you besmirching his good name today, here, with this decade old fanfiction.

Sequoia: Yeah, but over a decade. I'm gonna give myself the benefit of the doubt on this one.

Kim: That you didn’t write this one when you were like seventeen?

Sequoia: I'm gonna go with thirteen.

Kim: Uh huh.

Sequoia: “Neville nodded and turned, scurrying up the stairs as fast as his stubby legs would take him.”

Kim: Aw, stubby legs. Mean.

Sequoia: “I think I will skip Muggle Studies today, Ronald. You should take Hermione. She's beginning to get on my nerves.” [Kim snorts] Hermione… Okay, this is…

Kim: It's a good capturing of Harry's voice there you got.

Sequoia: Yeah. This is my favorite role that I've ever had of all time, is reading this story as Harry is written. [both laugh]

Kim: Its great. It's really good.

Sequoia: It’s really good. Hermione looked helplessly between the two as Ron nodded and attempted to both carry his basket of muffins and grab hold of her arm. “What is going on with you two?!” she asked, the confusion evident in her voice. I needed to get that across.

Kim: Yeah! Yeah, no, the confused question wasn't enough.

Sequoia: Also, there's, like, a question mark and an exclamation point.

Kim: Ohh, interrobang!

Sequoia: But then I still needed to say something about it.

Kim: Yeah, no, she’s real confused.

Sequoia: She's very confused. “Harry, I don't know if I can get both the muffins and Hermione,” Ron complained as he continued to struggle.

Kim: Yeah.

Sequoia: “Try harder,” Harry said as he returned to staring at himself.

Kim: Thanks for the help Harry, you’re a real pal.

Sequoia: [laughs] Asshole. Ron continued to juggle Hermione and the basket…

Kim: Actually…

Sequoia: …before finally setting the basket atop his head. That was really an important part that you were about to talk over.

Kim: Sorry.

Sequoia: Ron is about to carry this basket of muffins on his head.

Kim: [laughing] I was worried about how he was juggling them. [Sequoia laughs] Is he… is he throwing Hermione and the muffins in the air? Is he…

Sequoia: It’s more like a metaphorical juggling.

Kim: Uh huh.

Sequoia: You know?

Kim: All right, fine.

Sequoia: [laughs] As one does.

Kim: So he’s placed the basket of muffins on his head now. As one does.

Sequoia: As one does.

Kim: When you’re trying to…

Sequoia: Carry muffins and…

Kim: …carry muffins and… Is he carrying Hermione? I’m not clear on this.

Sequoia: I think he has a large basket of muffins and… nope, this is becoming a visual bit. I’m stopping it now. [both laugh] Okay. “All right, come on,” Ron ordered Hermione. Again, as she had with the mist, Hermione accepted the situation and followed Ron out into the hall.

Kim: Wait, she’s just following him? He’s not actually dragging her?

Sequoia: No.

Kim: Why did he need to put the muffins on his head?

Sequoia: Put the basket on his head. Listen. This story doesn’t make any sense. [both laugh]

Kim: Uh huh. And I can see where you’re going with this, but I feel like… I feel like just saying, oh, it doesn’t make sense because dream logic… [long pause] Why did he have to put the muffins on his head?

Sequoia: Because dream logic.

Kim: Uh huh. Yeah, right.

Sequoia: No, I don’t know. I have no idea. [Kim laughs] Okay. No, this is the best part of the whole story.

Kim: Okay.

Sequoia: And I’m gonna need you to stay quiet until I look pointedly at you. Okay? Trying to ignore Harry’s whispers as they left. “You’re a beast, ferocious, wild!” she unfortunately caught as the portrait closed behind them. Pointed look.

Kim: [laughs] [laughs some more] You know what, Harry? You are a beast.

Sequoia: [also laughing] You…

Kim: No one can contain you. Ugh. [both laughing]

Sequoia: Yep. That… that one speaks for itself, I think.

Kim: I think you’re right. You’re right.

Sequoia: The hall was very crowded outside. It seemed as though the whole school had arrived to escort Hermione to Muggle Studies. Ron guided her through the large crowd and the students parted to allow the duo room without taking any real notice of them. Hermione was too used to the self-absorbed crowd to notice much, but then a formless voice shouted at her from the middle…

Kim: She was… she was used to the crowd?

Sequoia: I don’t know what that means. I literally can’t help you.

Kim: So there’s this crowd that appeared to escort her to Muggle Studies, maybe. But also they’re all parting in front of her.

Sequoia: But she doesn’t notice them.

Kim: But she doesn’t notice them.

Sequoia: I don’t know.

Kim: Are they there? Are they some sort of hallucination?

Sequoia: [whispering] I can’t… I can’t help you.

Kim: Is she seeing vague shapes around her?

Sequoia: No, but a voiceless… a bodiless… a some…

Kim: All right, try again.

Sequoia: A formless voice is about to shout at her.

Kim: Oh.

Sequoia: From the middle of the sea of students.

Kim: Oh.

Sequoia: “Hey Hermione, why aren’t you eating your muffin?” With that…

Kim: Good question.

Sequoia: With that, the gathering all turned to look at Hermione. Everyone is staring her down.

Kim: I think I’ve had this dream.

Sequoia: She glanced down at her hands and saw the one that Ron had grabbed to guide her, and in the other sat the blueberry muffin.

Kim: So he is holding her hand.

Sequoia: Yes.

Kim: ‘Kay.

Sequoia: Problem solved. Question answered.

Kim: Answered. See, I just gotta wait. I’m jumping in.

Sequoia: The text.

Kim: The text is… is solid. [Sequoia laughs] It’s solid. It all makes sense, Sequoia. It’s coming together.

Sequoia: Yeah, it’s good. People in the throng were turning to their neighbours and whispering. The air was quickly filled with the sound of hundreds of whispering voices. Hermione looked up at Ron, her eyes filled with bewilderment. I loved that word. [whispering] I used that a lot in fanfiction.

Kim: It’s a great word, you were right.

Sequoia: “You aren’t eating your muffin?” he asked in a hushed voice. Hermione looked down at the muffin, then back at Ron. “It’s okay. you don’t have to eat it,” he said, perking up and giving her a smile. That is the end of the muffin debacle.

Kim: No.

Sequoia: Yeah.

Kim: No!

Sequoia: Now it’s over.

Kim: What about the basket?

Sequoia: I have no idea. [both laugh]

Kim: Okay. Fine. [Sequoia laughing] So he’s got this basket of muffins on his head, she’s carrying a muffin, and…

Sequoia: And, like, the whole of everyone…

Kim: The whole school.

Sequoia: …is like [in a whisper] why the fuck isn’t Hermione eating the muffin? And then all of a sudden for literally no reason Ron’s like, it’s ok, and then everyone is bro again.

Kim: Yeah, that sounds right. Is this a dream that you’ve had?

Sequoia: Dream logic. No. Maybe…

Kim: Is that why you wrote this dream?

Sequoia: I’ve no idea.

Kim: Is that why this is written this way?

Sequoia: It was part of the prompt. I’m sure the muffin was in the prompt.

Kim: Ohhh. Okay.

Sequoia: I don’t remember that it was, but I’m sure that it was.

Kim: I see.

Sequoia: ‘Cause that’s what I’d do with a prompt thing. I’d be like, oh, draw attention to this thing and then pretend it was never there in the first place.

Kim: It was never there. It was never there.

Sequoia: Yeah. ‘Cause that’s good writing.

Kim: But the dream is a good structure to get around that and not a lazy cop out at all.

Sequoia: Exactly. Dream logic.

Kim: Uh huh.

Sequoia: They continued toward the Muggle Studies classroom and the crowd slowly thinned out, though the news of Hermione’s muffin rejection seemed to have travelled fast and everyone regarded her with feigned politeness. The muffin debacle.

Kim: The muffin debacle.

Sequoia: It’s over. It’s Hermione’s muffin rejection if we wanna be real real about it.

Kim: Oh, muffin rejector. What a…

Sequoia: Oh man. That’s a…

Kim: What a muffin rejector.

Sequoia: That’s a euphemism.

Kim: Ohhhhhh!

Sequoia: I just realised right now. [laughs]

Kim: I didn’t catch that. You… you! [laughter from both] Was it a… was it a… was it a purposeful…?

Sequoia: Not even a little bit.

Kim: All right. She rejected Ron’s muffin.

Sequoia: Hermione’s muffin rejection.

Kim: But you know, it’s nice of Ron to accept it so quickly. He decided he didn’t wanna…

Sequoia: Yeah, he’s like, okay.

Kim: He’s like, Hermione, you don’t actually wanna eat it.

Sequoia: With the classroom in view, a group of older wizards rounded the corner in front of them. They were tall and dressed in a wealthy manner, and Hermione recognised them, although they were not Professors. As they got closer she tugged on Ron’s sleeve. “Are those the Weird Sisters?” she asked, pointing to the group as they approached. “Oh yeah,” Ron responded as though it were obvious. “They were sorted yesterday. All of them got into Gryffindor except the drummer. He’s in Slytherin. Actually I hear they’re looking for a new drummer.”

Kim: Right. Yes.

Sequoia: [in a drawling voice] “I’m going to be their new drummer.” [both laugh] Guess.

Kim: Guess who?

Sequoia: Guess who.

Kim: It’s gotta be Harry.

Sequoia: No.

Kim: Oh, no.

Sequoia: No it’s not. I accidentally started doing A Very Potter Musical voice for this character.

Kim: Oh! So it’s Draco. They got rid of their old drummer because he’s in Slytherin.

Sequoia: Okay, you know what? Dream logic.

Kim: Uh huh. Uh huh.

Sequoia: “I’m going to be their new drummer,” came a drawling voice from behind them. Even in her perplexed state she knew exactly who was speaking. The object of her detestation sauntered around the couple to face them.

Kim: Object of her detestation.

Sequoia: Yeah.

Kim: That’s a very strong… strong stance.

Sequoia: I know.

Kim: To take.

Sequoia: She’s… pissed. I don’t know about what at this point because I’m not sure when I wrote this.

Kim: Yeah, right? What did he do? He hasn’t done anything recently, maybe, today.

Sequoia: I have no idea. His tight purple gown swooshing with each step.

Kim: Tight purple gown?

Sequoia: Yeah. Malfoy’s awful maroon lipstick drew Hermione’s attention as he spoke again. “Don’t even think about it, Weasley. You’re too tall.”

Kim: Too tall.

Sequoia: To be the drummer.

Kim: Is he in drag?

Sequoia: He’s in drag and he just told Ron he’s too tall to be the drummer of the Weird Sisters. Is this not the greatest fanfiction you’ve ever heard?

Kim: This makes perfect sense and is great. I don’t know why you’re reading this to me.

Sequoia: [laughs] And with that, he stuck his nose high in the air and walked toward the band. “He doesn’t make a very pretty woman, does he?” Ron asked in a disinterested tone.

Kim: Ron. Judgey much?

Sequoia: Yo. Dude.

Kim: Come on Ron. Like you’d be such a pretty womannnnnn?

Sequoia: nnnnnnnn?

Kim: No. He wouldn’t. He’d be terrible.

Sequoia: Hermione watched Malfoy’s gown sweeping behind him as he walked further down the corridor and accepted it as plausible.

Kim: Yeah, you know what? She’s right, though. That is plausible with… the Draco Malfoy that is written in some fanfictions.

Sequoia: Oh yeah. Oh yeah, this is him to a T.

Kim: Oh yeah.

Sequoia: They were almost there, the Muggle Studies classroom in reach, when they heard arguing further down the hall. “But I’m the perfect height for a drummer.” “No, you’re an inch too tall.” “You’ll regret this, you know. I could have been great.” “No-one who is as tall as you will ever succeed.” [Kim snorts with laughter] “What’s going on here?” Hermione asked Malfoy and the lead singer of the Weird Sisters.

Kim: Because it’s not obvious.

Sequoia: No.

Kim: Hermione!

Sequoia: Get it together.

Kim: Get with the program.

Sequoia: Listen.

Kim: Not eating muffins…

Sequoia: The mist is… sort of…

Kim: Not seeing guys… crowds of students… [both laugh]

Sequoia: The older man turned to her with an irritated expression, but as he took her in, he began to smile. “This is it,” he said, turning to his fellow bandmates. They looked over at Hermione, scrutinising her.

Kim: Mhm.

Sequoia: “I suppose so.” “Yeah, I guess it is.”

Kim: Mhm.

Sequoia: “I think you’re right,” they all said in turn. “Welcome to the Weird Sisters. You will be the best drummer we’ve ever had,” the leader said, smiling. He withdrew two drumsticks from his bag and handed them to Hermione.

Kim: Does she have to put on the gown? Or…

Sequoia: Will you…? Can you…?

Kim: ’Cause they’re all boys.

Sequoia: Can you…!

Kim: And she’s a girl, so are they gonna have her put on the gown or is it gonna be more of a… more of a…

Sequoia: Um… I would assume no.

Kim: Oh, that’s a shame.

Sequoia: Maybe she’ll dress as a man.

Kim: Ah. But then…

Sequoia: You know what?

Kim: …she won’t be a…

Sequoia: A sister.

Kim: …Weird Sister. I guess she… hmmm. [laughs] Hmm!

Sequoia: “But I don’t drum,” she protested. “She’s too short,” Malfoy protested. “We’ve got to go to Muggle Studies,” Ron protested.

Kim: Mhm, mhm. ‘Cause Ron cares so much about class.

Sequoia: Right. Yeah. This is all plausible. According to Hermione, plausible.

Kim: Hermione! Get it together!

Sequoia: “Hermione?” The voice seemed to come from everywhere, but nowhere. “Hermione, wake up!” Another voice from above and below and all around her. The scene around her began to melt. The characters in the story were dripping like a fresh watercolor, their eyes distorted. Their faces distorted. I don’t know why I said eyes, what the fuck?

Kim: Eyes? Faces. This is important.

Sequoia: Their faces distorted.

Kim: Okay. All right.

Sequoia: Then the light flickered on again. She woke up. The faces of Ron, Harry, Fred and George slowly came into focus.

Kim: Auntie Em, is that you? [both laugh] I’ve just had the most terrible dream. [helpless squeaks of laughter from Sequoia] You were there, and you were there. Nope?

Sequoia: [through more laughter] No, I can’t handle it!

Kim: No? Is that not it? [Sequoia pulls herself together] That’s not it.

Sequoia: The lack of natural light in the room cued her on the large time lapse.

Kim: Sure.

Sequoia: That was a bad sentence.

Kim: Sure.

Sequoia: Harry was looking worried, Ron was looking relieved, and the twins looked fascinated. They wasted no time beginning their interrogation. “Are you all right?” “What did you dream about?” “Do you know how long you were asleep?” “What happened?” “Why were you screaming ‘I don’t drum?’” [Kim laughs] “Stop!” she shouted, sitting up properly in her chair. She looked at the overjoyed twins and narrowed her eyes. “What did you two do to me?” “Us? We just… we tried something.” “We invented it.” “It’s new, there’s still some adjustments to be made.” “But it’s brilliant, huh?” Hermione glared at the brothers. “You have a five second head start.” [pause] The end.

Kim: [laughs] All right! All right. All right. All right. So this prompt, was it about writing about the invention of one of their… ‘cause I think daydreamer is one of their products in Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes, isn’t it?

Sequoia: Ummmm, I don’t know. I don’t remember. I don’t remember. Yeah, looking it up, looking it up. I think that this prompt, they would give you generally like a character and a genre and an object.

Kim: Hm.

Sequoia: So I’m thinking it was comedy, Hermione, muffin… [Kim snorts with laughter] is… is basically what I’m getting out of this story, so…

Kim: Okay.

Sequoia: Yeah, I don’t think they ever gave you that much of a lead to go on.

Kim: Yeah, so the Patented Daydream Charm was a magical item created by Fred and George.

Sequoia: Oh!

Kim: For Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes, which would have put this around the time of book six.

Sequoia: [in disbelief] No. [with more certainty] No. Because I didn’t… I would have written this before book six.

Kim: Oh, okay, so you were early.

Sequoia: ‘Cause they started experimenting on children earlier than that.

Kim: It was book five?

Sequoia: Yeah.

Kim: I don’t think you hear about the Daydream Charm until book six. Look at you!

Sequoia: Look, I was predicting things!

Kim: Yeah!

Sequoia: I made up duck face! [both laugh]

Kim: Made up duck face, you, er… got… Drag-o Malfoy.

Sequoia: Drag-o Malfo— oh my god. Yes. I’d like say that your predictions were… pretty good.

Kim: I think I was a little vague, looking back on it.

Sequoia: You were.

Kim: I should be more specific next time.

Sequoia: I would say you said two things. You said that…

Kim: Hermione’s gonna be the main character, it’s going to be about boys, and her thinking about boys.

Sequoia: Right. so I would give you…

Kim: Oh, I…

Sequoia: …one out of two points on that.

Kim: ‘Kay.

Sequoia: ‘Cause it was… you…

Kim: Yeah.

Sequoia: It was not a boy thing.

Kim: Yeah, it wasn’t. It was her thinking about having a weird stress dream.

Sequoia: Exactly. It was a weird Hermione stress dream.

Kim: It’s good.

Sequoia: But it was… she was the main character, so you get a point for that.

Kim: It wasn’t a stress dream that you would typically associate with Hermione, though. Like, if I were thinking about Hermione having a stress dream I would be like, oh, obviously she’s gonna be like trying to do homework or trying to take a test and everything’s nonsense, which is a stress dream that I have had several times.

Sequoia: Yeah.

Kim: But no, it’s people talking about her not wanting to eat a muffin.

Sequoia: They were very disappointed, there were many whispers.

Kim: Yeah.

Sequoia: So, like, we hope you enjoyed this weird… time. It was a weird time for everyone and especially me.

Kim: Yeah. Yeah.

Sequoia: But in the description we will be linking a fanfiction called Fine Print, which is by me, and it is about the moment when Merope Gaunt decides to stop giving love potion to Tom Riddle.

Kim: Hmm.

Sequoia: So that was the first… this our first episode, so…

Kim: Thanks for listening.

Sequoia: Yeah, thanks for listening to it.

Kim: If you’ve stuck with us this long.

Sequoia: It was a little bit long this time, but the other ones should be closer to forty-five minutes long. So make sure to tune in next time.

Kim: Yeah, tune in next time. I’m going to be picking a story to read at Sequoia.

Sequoia: Yes. I’m so excited about it. Actually though, in real life.

Kim: [laughs] So come back in two weeks and see how our second one goes!

Sequoia: Yeah. If you want to sort of keep tabs on us because…

Kim: Or let us know things in the meantime.

Sequoia: Yeah. We do have several social media stuffs.

Kim: Yeah!

Sequoia: Yeah, we’ve got a Facebook page. We’ve got a Twi-tter, we’ve. got. a. Inst-a-gram…

Kim: Weird, stop that, what are you doing? Oh my god.

Sequoia: I’m being real hype about it.

Kim: If you wanna get in touch with us in the meantime, you can find us on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or shoot us an email. We’re fanaticalfics in all those places.

Sequoia: Yeah, so fanaticalfics@gmail.com and then our handle is just @FanaticalFics on everything else.

Kim: Yeah.

Sequoia: No Snapchat though guys, get it together.

Kim: So drop us a line or drop us a review on wherever you’re listening to this podcast, because we’d love to hear from you.

Sequoia: Please do that thing, yeah. It’s good to have, like, some constructive feedback.

Kim: But no flames.

Sequoia: No flames!

Kim: No flames!

Sequoia: Leave the flames at home! [both laugh] We want you to bump this post! Do not leave flames! [Kim laughs] Should I cut that? No, I’m not gonna do it. I’m gonna leave it. I’m gonna leave it. All right, so you can find this podcast… you either found it on iTunes or Soundcloud, but you know.

Kim: Or hopefully other places where you find podcasts.

Sequoia: Yeah.

Kim: Our thanks to the Whomping Willows for the use of our theme song. It’s their awesome song, Wolfstar. [in a loud whisper] I think this has gone on too long…

Sequoia: [also whispering] I think that… bye!

Kim: [continuing to whisper] I think we have it…

Sequoia: [whispering again] I think, bye!

Kim: [whispering] Stop recording!

Sequoia: [whispering] Bye!

Kim: [whispering] Bye!

Sequoia: [whispering] Bye!

Kim: [whispering] Bye! [both start laughing]

Sequoia Thomas