Episode 3: Hatred/Just Play the Damn Game
In episode three we explore one of Sequoia’s very favorite fan fiction tropes and discuss the validity of some of the most outlandish pairings.
Recommendation: Quill You Marry Me
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Skylar
Checker: Jeanne
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: Welcome back. Or welcome.
Sequoia: Welcome to episode three of your favorite podcast.
Kim: Yeah! About Harry Potter fanfiction.
Sequoia: Specifically.
Kim: [laughs] Not because we're the only one, but because we are...
Sequoia: Great! [both laugh] Infallible. [Kim laughs] Today, I get to read some fanfiction that I found, and I’m so excited about it.
Kim: Yeah! I'm really excited to hear it. Like I was excited to hear yours, and I think I'm even more excited to hear what you've picked for me, ‘cause I am so excited to see what you've got.
Sequoia: So I'm actually going to read two today.
Kim: Ooh.
Sequoia: Yeah, it's something that we had discussed, maybe, is a possibility if some… one's really short.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: So you're gonna be doing two predictions.
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia: But this gives you, like, a leg up. Like, you have more opportunity for points.
Kim: Yeah, there’s a lot of points on the table here. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: And last time you did so poorly.
Sequoia: You have one point so far.
Kim: Yeah, I do. I do.
Sequoia: And I have zero points. So this... this could really...
Kim: I’m winning.
Sequoia: Like, this could get really embarrassing for me.
Kim: [laughs] If I pick really confusing ones every time just to fuck with you.
Sequoia: Yeah, exactly. Just to be like, [mocking Kim] ooh, I'm winning the competition. Classic misdirection. [Kim laughs] But seriously, I'm like, what if it gets to like episode ten and I have, like, two points and you have, like...
Kim: A hundred.
Sequoia: Thirty points. Yeah, like at that point, the competition...
Kim: I’m gonna make fifty predictions right now. Just shoot ‘em out.
Sequoia: Just, there's no limit. There's no limit.
Kim: We probably should have put a limit on it.
Sequoia: We should put a limit for... [annoyed groaning sound]. The limit is three.
Kim: Ugh.
Sequoia: Three predictions per thing.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: I'm glad we're making this up as we go.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: It’s, yeah, it's good.
Kim: Really consistent and good.
Sequoia: Very consistent. I'm gonna read the short one first.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: So this first fanfiction… If you would like to make a prediction on Hatred, which is an angst fic.
Kim: I'm gonna say that Draco is the object of the hatred from... I'm gonna guess that this is a Dramione fic, actually, yeah. So Hermione is kind of angsting about how much she should hate Draco, but doesn't.
Sequoia: Okay, let's do this.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Let's go.
Kim: [laughing] I'm excited to get zero points.
Sequoia: [begins reading in a dramatic voice] I hate you. [both laugh]
Sequoia: It’s too early for the laughs, it’s too early!
Kim: [laughing] No, no. This is too good, that was too good. That is a perfect opening. Yes. Great. Way to just jump right into it.
Sequoia: I hate the way you laugh at us, like we are merely jesters in your court.
I hate the way you look through me and do not see who I am.
Kim: Oh, oh no. Who is this person? This transparent person? Is it a ghost?
Sequoia: I hate the way your lips curl into a sneer every time you come near us.
Kim: Yeah, Draco. I hate Draco too. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I hate the way your hair glints silver in the sunlight.
Kim: [whispering] Jesus.
Sequoia: [fighting laughter] And I hate that I wonder how it would feel to my touch.
Kim: Uh huh. Fine. Great. I also hate the way Draco looks, and...
Sequoia: And talks. And exists.
Kim: And is. God, he's so terrible.
Sequoia: Literally the worst character.
Kim: [laughing] He is just awful.
Sequoia: [laughs] But...
Kim: Uh oh, but...
Sequoia: I hate that you make me lose control.
Kim: Oh nooo. Oh no, POV character. [Sequoia laughs] Oh no, your feelings for Draco.
Sequoia: I hate that I would fight with you just to be able to touch you.
Kim: Oh God. [laughs]
Sequoia: Who's... who's getting in physical fights, like, on the reg, with Draco?
Kim: Oh no, is it... it's not Ron, is it? Is this… did you find me a Dron like I told you to?
Sequoia: Maybe… [both laugh]
Kim: It's just such a ridiculous pairing that... Oh God, continue. Please keep going.
Sequoia: It’s so good. [clears throat dramatically]
Kim: [whispering] Physical fights.
Sequoia: I hate that I dream about you every night.
Kim: [incredulously] Dream about him every night?
Sequoia: Not only that, but like… hold please for the text.
Kim: [whispering] Oh my God.
Sequoia: I hate that in those dreams, your lips willingly meet mine, and your body responds with pleasure to my touch. [Kim groans uncomfortably]
Kim: [both laugh] Ewwww.
Sequoia: Why, Ron?
Kim: [sobbing] Ron, no.
Sequoia: [laughs] I like how you could already pick out that it was Ron though. That was very perceptive of you.
Kim: Well, okay, you... you gave it away. You said who's getting into physical fights with Draco on the reg, and who... who does that?
Sequoia: I thought it was no one, I honestly thought the answer to that question was like, no one.
Kim: You know what, it actually... Ah, okay, so there's that fight that happens in the Quidditch stands, but I forget who that's between.
Sequoia: I don't know. ‘Cause I was, like, that was interesting that you got Ron out of that.
Kim: But yeah, no, now that I'm thinking about it, Hermione is the only one I can think of that, like, physically fights with Draco.
Sequoia: Yeah, it was backing up your original prediction. [Kim makes a thoughtful noise] I hate that this will never happen in reality.
Kim: Yeah, because Draco sucks, Ron. Jesus.
Sequoia: And I hate that I want it to. [laughs] Yeah, you should hate that you want it to.
Kim: Ron!
Sequoia: What are you even thinking?
Kim: Ron, what… where is this coming from?
Sequoia: I hate how a glance from your piercing eyes turns my skin pink. I hate that a glance from my eyes screws your face up in disgust.
Kim: Yeah, because Draco sucks and he hates you.
Sequoia: He hates you!
Kim: And you hate him.
Sequoia: It literally doesn't matter that you are pureblood because you are POOR, and poor people are garbage.
Kim: The thing... the thing that I like about the Dron pairing is that it makes ZERO sense.
Sequoia: Like there's actually no basis for it.
Kim: There's no subtext in the text. You're just pushing together two characters that actively hate each other, and it's not even like a love-hate kind of thing, where you could, like, pretend to be reading into it like Drarry. Which is a pairing I also love.
Sequoia: Yeah?
Kim: Drarry, you know… Harry, like, obsessively stalks Draco in book six.
Sequoia: Yeah, that's real.
Kim: So, I can see total canon backing for that. But Draco and Ron?
Sequoia: Ron literally just bitches about him all the time.
Kim: Yeah, and not in a sexy way.
Sequoia: Ron is like, hey look at that... yeah.
Kim: Just in a I hate this fucking asshole kind of… anyway.
Sequoia: Yeah, but he does hate him.
Kim: Oh, he hates him. Right. Sorry, I forgot.
Sequoia: He does hate him.
Kim: [whispering] Angst, angst.
Sequoia: I hate how much I have to pretend. We talk about you so much, and I always must strive to show them all that no one could hate you more than I do.
Kim: Oh my god, I love what this person is doing.
Sequoia: Yeah. I mean, they did just say what we just said.
Kim: Yeah, exactly.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I love it. They are building something out of nothing.
Sequoia: Literally nothing.
Kim: Oh, yes.
Sequoia: Out of actual hatred.
Kim: Yes. Yes.
Sequoia: I insult you and spit when I say your name. I point out all your flaws. I try not to look at you when they are around. [Kim laughs] I hate that sometimes I cannot help myself. They all think that I like Hermione. I guess they will keep on thinking that. Sometimes I wonder if she hates you the way I do. Hates you for everything that cannot be.
Kim: Oh God.
Sequoia: Even if she does, she cannot feel as much passion as I do.
Kim: What? Why not, Ron? Geez! What? Why would you say that about Hermione? You don't know that!
Sequoia: Yeah, you're also making some kind of assumption that she knows. It’s like, yeah, she knows that I'm in love with Draco, and she's pissed about it because she loves me but it can't ever be.
Kim: Wait, I thought he was saying that she also hates Draco the same way, so they're gonna have like a weird hatred... [Sequoia laughs] Hatred... [stuttering] hate ménage à trois.
Sequoia: I think... because he's… the text…
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: [clears throat] ...says hates you for everything that cannot be. Which makes me think that…
Kim: Ohh yeah, I see. She hates Draco for keeping Ron away from her? [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah. [Kim continues laughing] Classic Hermione...
Kim: Oh yeah, Hermione.
Sequoia: ...and her jealousy of Draco. I mean, she got jealous of, you know, Lavender in the books.
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: She’s got a history of jealousy.
Kim: But it’s ‘cause… that’s ‘cause Ron locked faces with Lavender. This person is saying that Ron is acting no differently than he does in the books.
Sequoia: But just like, maybe looking at Draco sometimes and maybe blushing sometimes.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: No one else feels this hatred and pain and sadness.
Kim: That is such a teenager thing to say. [angsty teen voice] No one else has ever felt the way I am currently feeling, no one understands my teenage angst.
Sequoia: [laughing] It's ‘cause it’s a angst fic.
Kim: It’s a good tag. It’s a good tag.
Sequoia: Yeah. Could you ever feel the same about me?
Kim: No!
Sequoia: I should not even ask.
Kim: Yeah! [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Of course you could not.
Kim: Of course!
Sequoia: You are too cold, too untouchable.
Kim: Ugh, Slytherin ice prince.
Sequoia: Untouchable, the ice prince. The Slytherin prince. [Kim groans] He does not love you. He is cold and untouchable.
Kim: And sucks. [Sequoia laughs] Racist. Classist. Bastard!
Sequoia: Yeah. You do not burn with passion.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Especially for someone like me.
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: Someone you hate. Yes, obviously.
Kim: God.
Sequoia: I never realized there could be different kinds of hatred. Hatred like the kind you bear me. Hatred like the kind directed at You-Know-Who. I don't know what that even means. I'm not sure what that means.
Kim: Okay, fine.
Sequoia: And the hatred I have for you, which is so much like something else.
Kim: Gross.
Sequoia: I hate that you have made me love you. [Kim sighs] The end.
Kim: [laughing] Oh, noooo.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: So it doesn't directly say that it's Ron anywhere in there?
Sequoia: No, it doesn't.
Kim: It could theoretically be Harry if they're a Harry/Hermione shipper.
Sequoia: I mean, the description says Ron.
Kim: Ohhh.
Sequoia: It says, “Ron reflects on his hatred for Draco, or it could be something else?”
Kim: That's a very…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Okay, fine.
Sequoia: Yep, there you go. I can't tell if you got any of your predictions right.
Kim: I said that Draco would be the object of the hatred and they would be reflecting on how much they hate that they love him.
Sequoia: You said it was Hermione though.
Kim: I did say it was Hermione. So you said I got three predictions. That sounds like two out of three, [gloating] sonnn.
Sequoia: Okay, so you get two out of three points. Oh my God, I’m so mad. Nooo! [Kim laughs triumphantly] This next fic that I'm gonna read you involves one of my very favorite fanfiction tropes of all time, which we’ll talk about when it’s over.
Kim: Oh, I'm so excited.
Sequoia: All right, so if you could give us some predictions on Just Play the Damn Game. It is romance/angst.
Kim: I'm gonna guess this is a fic about Quidditch. Wait, you said romance and angst?
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: Ah, Jesus. I have no fucking CLUE where this is going. [Sequoia laughs] Okay, it's about... I'm gonna just... I'm gonna just tell you a story that I wanna hear.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: It's about Alicia Spinnet and Katie Bell, unable to continue to go out and play Quidditch because they're too busy making out, and Oliver's like, “Come on guys, stop making out, let's go play.”
Sequoia: [laughing] I think you should write that.
Kim: I think I will if this isn't that. Some secondary character slash.
Sequoia: Okay, I have logged your predictions.
Kim: [laughs] Thank you, thank you.
Sequoia: And here we go. “Let's play a game.”
Kim: Ah.
Sequoia: Ron started up.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: The guys were sitting in the Great Hall, which was unusually quiet, even if supper was over. Just then, Draco Malfoy and his little followers…
Kim: Litt... fine.
Sequoia: His tiny followers.
Kim: Fine, whatever.
Sequoia: His followers that definitely do not dwarf him in size at all times.
Kim: Are they being, like, sarcastic?
Sequoia: [mocking, sarcastic voice] His little followers. [mysterious noncommittal sound] Wait… Made their way towards Ron and the rest of the group. They suddenly became silent when they noticed Malfoy. Dean looked up and frowned. “What do you want?” he spat.
Kim: To lurk and be snarky and be an asshole. What do you think?
Sequoia: Draco placed himself on the end of the table. “Well, I hear you were making a little game called Truth or Dare? Huh?”
Kim: [drawn out] Oh my God!
Sequoia: Draco replied.
Kim: Oh, no. No, you didn't pick a Truth or Dare.
Sequoia: This is one of my favorite fanfiction tropes.
Kim: Oh my God. [Kim groans and Sequoia laughs] This is worse than I could have ever imagined. No.
Sequoia: [clears throat] “Yeah, so what's your point?” Seamus replied bitterly.
Kim: They're playing Truth or Dare in the middle of the Great Hall?
Sequoia: In the middle of the Great Hall.
Kim: After dinner?
Sequoia: Yeah. “What, you want to join in, Malfoy? Not enough fun in Slytherin?” Ron...
Kim: No, there's not. They're all assholes, they all suck.
Sequoia: They’re not doing anything.
Kim: Yeah, bet they're like, spend all their time coming up with like witty ways to insult…
Sequoia: Harry?
Kim: Yes. [laughs]
Sequoia: Just the whole Slytherin house?
Kim: All of them sitting around.
Sequoia: House meeting. Slytherin meeting.
Kim: Need a new way to say scarhead. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, that's what they do for fun but, you know, Draco got bored of it.
Kim: That’s not enough fun. Oh, sure.
Sequoia: So he needs to come play Truth or Dare with some Gryffindors. Naturally. [both laugh]
Kim: Nooo!
Sequoia: Ron yawned, which ticked off Draco, but he quickly went back to his idea. “Mmm, I've heard that Weasleys never turn down a dare. Is that true?” Ron sat back up to listen to Draco. He was laying down I guess, I don’t know. [laughs]
Kim: [laughs] Fine.
Sequoia: “Yeah, of course it's true. Why?” Draco grinned...
Kim: Why do you think, Ron?
Sequoia: Yeah, why do you think?
Kim: He's gonna give you some awful shit house dare.
Sequoia: [laughs] He's evil and he hates you.
Kim: Come on, Ron. What do you think’s about to happen?
Sequoia: They're about to make out.
Kim: Oh God, I hope so. [Sequoia laughs] Is this another Dron? Please!
Sequoia: Oh, no. Draco grinned evilly to his reply. “Well, you know your little bookworm, Hermione?” Harry looked up, worried.
Kim: Wait, Harry's there?
Sequoia: Yeah, Harry is there.
Kim: [laughing] He hasn’t said anything yet.
Sequoia: Yeah, it's just they're all, you know, the guys. [laughs]
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: I said at the beginning, the guys.
Kim: Oh, I didn't know which guys. Could be any guys.
Sequoia: You know.
Kim: You know, could be... if we're all hanging out inter-house, like, you never know, Michael Corner, Terry Boot…
Sequoia: Justin Finch-Fletchley...
Kim: Ernie Macmillan… We’re just listing all the students. [Sequoia laughs] I’ll stop.
Sequoia: Yep, nope, this… Okay. Harry looked up, worried. He glanced quickly at Ron, who was grinning ear to ear. “Yeah. What you got in mind?”
Kim: Ew.
Sequoia: Ron asked. [both laugh] Yeah, how creepy.
Kim: Ew.
Sequoia: [pretentious voice] “I dare you to make out with the mudblood.”
Kim: [fighting laughter] Why is that a dare the Draco would give? He doesn't, he wouldn't… What? What?
Sequoia: Okay, but wait. He's daring Ron because Ron says that he never backs down on a dare. Right? A Weasley never...
Kim: Right, but why would he want him to?
Sequoia: I don't know. Maybe he thinks that like Ron will try to make out with Hermione and Hermione will just like turn him into… a toad.
Kim: I mean, she would. That'd be kind of funny, I guess. But… why is that a dare that he's worried Ron would refuse?
Sequoia: I don’t know.
Kim: Making a big deal about how Weasleys never back down.
Sequoia: Okay, not only that, but like, hold please.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: There is a prize of £100.
Kim: What? He’s gonna pay him?
Sequoia: Why would he pay Ron? [laughs]
Kim: It’s a dare, you just say, I triple dog dare you, and then they have to do it. That’s how dares work.
Sequoia: You just dare them! You say, Weasleys never turn down a dare, and Ron says, yeah, what of it? and then you say, go make out with Hermione. Don't they know? Okay.
Kim: C’mon.
Sequoia: It must be a... it's a Muggle game.
Kim: So they don't understand how it works?
Sequoia: So they don’t understand how triple dog dares work.
Kim: Ohhh, okay.
Sequoia: Or Truth or Dare at all. They think there needs to be cash. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah, what… Draco! Draco! What’s wrong with you people?
Sequoia: Ron ignored the mudblood comment and went back to talking.
Kim: He did? Why? Why did... why would he ever ignore that?
Sequoia: Ron would never.
Kim: Why wouldn't he just... Boom! Right in the nose?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Try to unsuccessfully curse him. Or just eat a muffin at him.
Sequoia: Yeah, it's more like... [laughs] It’s more like Draco would walk up to the table and say, I hear you’re playing Truth or Dare, and Ron would be like, hey, fuck off.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: End of fic. [both laugh] “Come on, you worried that you can't even get your leg over Miss Bookworm?”
Kim: Ew.
Sequoia: Rude.
Kim: Ew!
Sequoia: Super rude.
Kim: Does he punch him now?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: No?
Sequoia: No, no, he doesn't punch him. He says, “Sure I can.”
Kim: What?!
Sequoia: “I take your dare on, Draco.”
Kim: What does this version of Ron have to prove to Draco? That he doesn't care that he's saying disgusting things about Hermione?
Sequoia: Yeah, apparently. Ron could not ruin the family name, could he? It would ruin the family name if he didn’t take the bet.
Kim: Because that's what's wrong with this.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Your honor.
Sequoia: It was a just a dare, no one would get hurt. Would they? Ron thought. [Kim groans and Sequoia laughs] No one could possibly be upset by this. Would they? [Kim sighs] Draco walked away laughing, quickly followed by Crabbe and Goyle. “What the hell are you playing at, Ron?” “Nothing much,” Ron replied, grinning.
Kim: Who's that? Who... who just said that?
Sequoia: I think Harry? No, but there's no one attributed to that, so that's…
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: “The dare,” Neville joined in. “It's not going to work. She will kill you if she finds out,” Seamus shouted at him. “Hey, calm down, guys. I'm sure I can do this. And anyway, Hermione will never find out.” How...
Kim: She won't find out that you're kissing her? Excuse me? Are you gonna... Oh God, are they gonna Polyjuice someone into looking like Hermione and then make out with them? I wanna read that.
Sequoia: I want to read that too.
Kim: Polyjuice, who's a good stand-in? Neville.
Sequoia: Neville. It's definitely Neville. And then make out with Polyjuiced Neville, like, in the vicinity of Draco. Get your £100 from your dare. Also, £100? Wait, I just got back to that.
Kim: Uh oh.
Sequoia: That's Muggle money.
Kim: Wait, did he say pounds?
Sequoia: I did.
Kim: I just… I inserted…
Sequoia: So did I, but now that I'm thinking about it…
Kim: Oh no, I [stuttering] mentally inserted galleons…
Sequoia: He definitely said pounds.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Ron smiled as he left the Great Hall. “This is a really bad idea,” Seamus told the others.
Kim: Yes, it is, Seamus. Thank you. Thank you for being a voice of reason.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah, thanks, Seamus. “Yeah, they will end up hurting themselves,” Harry replied.
Kim: They? It's just Ron, Ron's the only one... No, actually you're also going to get hurt for not stopping him.
Sequoia: Yeah. “And we'll get the blame for it,” Dean replied.
Kim: Yes, you will, because you're not doing anything to stop it! Jesus!
Sequoia: Because you’re not trying to stop it! “This is so stupid of him.” “Oh, well, maybe it will end up happy.” “Shut up. You sound like some fluffy romance novel.”
Kim: Do... do none of these have character attributions?
Sequoia: No, those three sentences were no one.
Kim: [stuttering] Said by no one, said by whomever.
Sequoia: But I assume… [laughs] Seamus talked, then Harry, then Dean. So I think it was Seamus and then Harry and then Dean.
Kim: Neville’s there too, though, isn't he? Was he? Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah, but he's not talking right now. [both laugh]
Kim: Okay fine, he’s just standing there?
Sequoia: No, all three sentences were Neville talking to himself.
Kim: [laughs] Fine.
Sequoia: “Who's writing a romance novel?” Ginny asked, walking into the room, and sat down on the end of the table. “AHHH!” the guys screamed. [both laugh and then sob]
Sequoia: That's what happens usually when Ginny walks into the room. [both laugh again]
Kim: I’m crying. Get back in your box, Ginny.
Sequoia: [laughs] “How long have you been there?” Dean asked. “Long enough,” she replied. “What have you heard?” Ginny looked at them questionably. “What have you guys been up to this time?”
Kim: So she hasn't heard anything?
Sequoia: No. She says she's been there long enough.
Kim: [laughing] Long enough to what?
Sequoia: Long enough to be there as long as she's been there. [laughs]
Kim: Ginny, get back in your box!
Sequoia: “What have you guys been up to this time?” “Nothing, nothing at all.” “Yeah, right. I only heard about romance novel.” They all breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank God,” they murmured. “What was that?” she shouted.
Kim: This is really engaging conversation.
Sequoia: Yeah, so Ginny’s there. She didn't really hear anything.
Kim: [laughs] It’s good. We're moving the plot forward.
Sequoia: But we've introduced Ginny as a character.
Kim: Because she needed to be introduced?
Sequoia: I don't know. Maybe she'll come back later.
Kim: Oh. Great.
Sequoia: Hermione was curled up on the red couch in the Gryffindor common room.
Kim: Wait, she’s in the Gry... So if Ron makes out with her here, Draco's not gonna see.
Sequoia: Right. Yeah, no, it's fine. She was watching the flames jump up and then run into each other.
Kim: She was what?
Sequoia: That, nope. That's... that's... she was watching the fire.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: [haltingly] But the descriptive way to say she was watching the fire is to say she was watching the flames jump up and then run into each other. She hadn't read past the second line in her book about “Witches and Muggles: Are they Drawn Together?” Her mind was on her red haired friend, who had...
Kim: [sighs] Wait, is this like a… is this like a self-help romance type book? About why witches are into Muggles?
Sequoia: “Witches and Muggles: Are they Drawn Together?” [laughs]
Kim: As much as any people?
Sequoia: Yeah, um, yeah, yes, they are drawn together. Yes. I’m gonna answer the question.
Kim: [laughs] Okay, we’ve got that one answered. See, you don’t need to read any longer, Hermione. We’ve got it answered.
Sequoia: Yeah, we're just gonna tell you. It's yes. Her mind was on her red-haired friend who had grown up a lot from the first day they met. He was taller than her now and he had grown muscles. [both laugh]
Kim: Good for him. Are they Quidditch muscles? I love when they're Quidditch muscles. Specifically.
Sequoia: Oh, no, they're not described that way, but that is... that is really good.
Kim: It's one of my favorite things.
Sequoia: I do wish they were described that way. Heavens forbid she would fall for him big time.
Kim: Heaven forbid, Hermione. Don't fall for Ron! [Sequoia laughs] He's a fucking asshole! Today.
Sequoia: Ron walked in, causing Hermione to jump.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: “Oh, hey, Ron.”
Kim: I wasn't just fantasizing about you sexually.
Sequoia: [laughs] I wasn’t just thinking about how you had grown muscles.
Kim: [laughs] Where do you think the muscles grew, like on his face?
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah, heaven forbid you should grow some face muscles. “Oh, hey, Ron,” Hermione smiled, which caused Ron to blush. God, her smile is enchanting. It's just a dare, Ron told himself, I'll prove that bastard wrong.
Kim: Wrong about what?
Sequoia: Wrong about… “Hey, Mione,” Ron said.
Kim: No. [Sequoia laughs] No.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: No! [both laugh] Uh uh.
Sequoia: [laughs and then mutters incoherently] wanted to read the next sentence… Ron sat next to the curled up Hermione, who was engrossed in her book. “Mione?” “Hmm?” she replied. It's now or never.
Kim: No, it's never.
Sequoia: “Do you like me?” Hermione quickly looked up and smiled. Ron didn't understand where the confidence came from. Ron has no idea where confidence comes from. [laughs]
Kim: [laughs] Yeah, he doesn't...
Sequoia: “Of course I like you. You're one of my best friends,” Hermione replied.
Kim: Yeah, yeah. Fine. This is fine.
Sequoia: Ron stared at the fire for a while. “Do you ever think about other things, like us?” “Us?”
Kim: No. No.
Sequoia: “Yes, you and me.” Hermione placed her book next to her. “Sometimes.” This caused Hermione to blush. “You mean like this?”
Kim: No, don't... don't do it. Don't do it, Ron! Oh, you were having a nice conversation.
Sequoia: Ron leaned forward...
Kim: [exasperated] You almost did this right, except for all of the surrounding things.
Sequoia: All the surrounding bullshit?
Kim: Yes! Just go talk to her.
Sequoia: Ron leaned forward to come face to face with Hermione’s big brown eyes. He couldn't take it anymore. Ron reached up to touch her face and pulled it towards his own and leaned in to kiss her. To his surprise, Hermione was kissing him back. His thoughts were on Hermione and forgot all about the dare.
Kim: Ron. Why…?
Sequoia: “Ron, this isn't a good idea.” She quickly pulled back and grabbed her books and headed towards the girls’ sleeping area. Ron muttered something that would have made Hermione go, “Ron!” but she wasn't around.
Kim: What was it? No, not gonna say what it was?
Sequoia: [laughs] We don't get to know that. Just then the rest of the boys appeared in the common room. “So, Ron? How did it go?” Dean asked as they joined him on the couch. “No good. I think she's pissed.”
Kim: Duh!
Sequoia: “Why?” [both laugh]
Kim: Is that Harry? Gotta be Harry.
Sequoia: No, it's no one, which means it's probably Neville. “I kissed her and she ran away.” “Do you always have that effect on women?”
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Seamus asked. “Oh shut up,” Ron replied, throwing something at him. Something.
Kim: Something.
Sequoia: [stuttering through laughter] Just something that was near him.
Kim: Whatever.
Sequoia: “Maybe you shouldn't always cave in.”
Kim: What?
Sequoia: I don’t know.
Kim: Who’s caving in? Is it Ron?
Sequoia: Ron, apparently.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: “I didn't cave in, Harry. I stood up to the dare.” “And caved in,” Neville replied.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: This caused guys to laugh.
Kim: What are they making fun of him for doing?
Sequoia: I don't know, to let… I guess, I guess they're making fun of him because she ran away. But that's a weird way to say that.
Kim: And for him not, what?
Both: Following her?
Kim: If these boys don't all get bat bogey cursed to... bogey town...
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah.
Kim: Imma be pissed.
Sequoia: Yeah, exactly. “Oh, Ron. I love you.” Dean started to do an impression of Hermione.
Kim: Mean.
Sequoia: “Hermione, I love you too,” Seamus carried on, but now doing an impression of Ron.
Kim: Mean.
Sequoia: Yeah, what the fuck, guys? Meanwhile, Ron was getting more and more pissed at them. “Hold me,” Dean carried on.
Kim: What the fuck?
Sequoia: “Okay, guys, will you quit it?” “You have to admit it was funny,” Harry replied...
Kim: No, it wasn’t, Harry!
Sequoia: ...as he was a wetting himself with laughter. [Kim laughs] Harry! [Sequoia laughs] Stop peeing! [both laugh]
Kim: Why aren’t they making fun of that?
Sequoia: [laughs] “Get a life,” Ron replied as he headed towards his room. “Oh, Ronnie, come back, my love!” Dean shouted at Ron. The next morning, Harry and Hermione were waiting for Ron. It was obvious he had slept in. “You okay, Hermione?” “Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?” Hermione quickly replied, as she had been jumpy all morning. [Kim snorts] “Well, the way you keep on jumping every time I bring up Ron's name?” “Morning.” Seamus came down the stairs, followed by Neville, Dean, and Ron. [deep voice] “Sorry, I slept in.”
Kim: He didn't sleep in, all the other guys are with him.
Sequoia: Yeah. They all slept in? What is sleeping? Where do they have to be? [laughs]
Kim: Is this a school day?
Sequoia: [fighting laughter] I literally don't understand what's happening. “How is little Ronnie doing this morning?” Dean asked mockingly.
Kim: Why?
Sequoia: “Oh, will you give it a rest?” “Didn't like our encore last night?” Seamus asked.
Kim: Their what? Oh, ‘cause they're doing an act and then...
Sequoia: Right, they did an encore.
Kim: Sorry, I thought… I thought they did an encore of the makeout session. And I was like...
Sequoia: [laughs] Dean and Seamus just sat in Ron's bed and made out?
Kim: Yeah. Imma write that. I'm into that. Oh, we're just making fun of Ron and now we're doing it on… [both laugh]
Sequoia: “It went on till two in the morning,” Ron moaned.
Kim: [shocked] What?
Sequoia: Yeah, apparently from…
Kim: They made fun of him…
Sequoia: From after supper…
Kim: Right, like six pm.
Sequoia: Until like two in the morning.
Kim: Nah, I think they were doing it.
Sequoia: Yep, yep.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: “Hey, but it was funny,” Neville told him.
Kim: Neville…
Sequoia: Neville, you're just such a yes man. Hermione walked in front, trying not to look at Ron. She listened to the boys’ conversation, but was less interested when they started to talk about Quidditch. And she sat down next to Ginny. Ginny's back. [both laugh]
Kim: Ginny.
Sequoia: Hermione screamed! [both laugh and someone claps, then Sequoia clears her throat] “Hey, Hermione.” [Kim screams and Sequoia laughs] “Hey, Ginny.” Breakfast flowed smoothly as normal. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh my god, I'm sorry. I was thinking about poop.
Sequoia: Yup, I knew, I knew as soon as I said that. I was like, oh. They all headed towards their next lesson, History of Magic. Ron and Hermione were behind the rest. Quickly, Ron grabbed Hermione’s arm and dragged her into an empty classroom.
Kim: Don't go, stay away!
Sequoia: Stay away!
Kim: Nothing good will come of this.
Sequoia: “Ron!” Hermione screamed.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: “We have class. What are you playing at?” she shouted. “You ran away yesterday. Why?” Hermione looked at the door then back at Ron. “No reason. You just caught me off guard.” “You don't feel the same way?” “I don't know what to think, my best friend just kissed me last night and I'm kind of confused.”
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Hermione replied. “Hermione!” “Don't you Hermione me. You don't even tell me how you feel. You just kiss me right there. No warning.”
Kim: Yeah, rude, Ron.
Sequoia: “What did you want me to do? Warn you I'm going to kiss you?”
Kim: Yes, yes.
Sequoia: Ron asked, laughing.
Kim: Ron!
Sequoia: Laughing? You dick.
Kim: Why are you laughing?
Sequoia: “This is not a laughing matter, Ron Weasley.”
Kim: Yeah, it’s not.
Sequoia: “Well, tell me what you wanted to hear.” “I want the truth, Ron. That's all I want.”
Kim: Okay, that doesn't make sense.
Sequoia: That didn’t make sense. Yeah, like where was the… wait. Or when would…?
Kim: What are we arguing about, again?
Sequoia: What was the lie? Wait a second. “Okay, then where do I start?” “From when you started to have feelings for me? If that's what they are,” Hermione replied, still staring out the window. Wait, still?
Kim: [laughs] I thought she was staring at the door.
Sequoia: Yeah. What? “Yes. There are feelings. You're clever, a great witch, so beautiful, and I think…” Hermione looked up. “You think what?” She looked shocked. “That, um, I have fallen in love with you.” “You what?!” Hermione shouted. [both laugh] “Let me finish, then you can do all the shouting you want.” Hermione stood quietly. “Ever since we started here. I thought there was something strange, the first time I met you. I think it was your eyes and how you were so alive about school?”
Kim: What? [Sequoia laughs] That's what Ron likes about her.
Sequoia: She's so alive about school. Hermione giggled as she remembered the first time she met Ron. “Go on,” Hermione replied.
Kim: Keep talking about me, tell me what’s good about me!
Sequoia: She drew herself away from the window and sat on a chair near him. “I don't know what it is, Hermione. Maybe it's because you're kind. Maybe it's because you nag me.” “How does that help?” she asked, questioning. “You make me do the homework…” [both laugh, cutting Sequoia off] “You make me do the homework, so I don't ruin my school life. Maybe it's the way your eyes and smile draws me to you.” By now Hermione was blushing. “Oh, Ron, I thought you didn't like me that way.” [Kim laughs again] What? What? [Kim sighs] Ron looked at the floor. His face was as red as his hair. Hermione smiled and lifted back up Ron's head.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: “Ron, I love you too.” Hermione threw her arms around Ron's neck and kissed him passionately. Okay.
Kim: You know… If they had just done that…
Sequoia: Originally. But okay, don't forget about…
Kim: Where’s Draco?
Sequoia: Don't forget about the dare.
Kim: Yeah, I haven't.
Sequoia: ‘Kay. It was supper in the Great Hall. The group was sitting around chatting. The group, you know.
Kim: Which group?
Sequoia: The group.
Kim: Which group?
Sequoia: The guys. Maybe also Ginny.
Kim: Terry Boot? Michael Corner? [both laugh] Ginny’s not there, nobody’s screaming. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: “So what happened?” Seamus asked. “I'm in love with her,” Ron replied, all starry eyes. “Evening,” Hermione said as she sat next to Ron. “Awww,” Lavender, Parvati, and Ginny sighed.
Kim: [laughing] Ginny’s there?
Sequoia: [holding back laughter] Yeah, she is there. [Draco voice] “Well, well, if it isn't the happy couple.”
Kim: [whispering] Oh no, oh shit.
Sequoia: “Shit,” Ron murmured… [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: [in a deep voice] Shit! [both laugh]
Sequoia: “Shit,” Ron murmured, turning around to come face to face with Draco.
Kim: And then he started getting the feelings. Oh, I hate how your hair is so silver!
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh, I hate how your silvery hair glints in the sunlight, love me! [both laugh]
Kim: And then everything... that's where the... yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah. “Of course we are,” Hermione replied coldly. “Oh, bitchy.” [laughs]
Kim: What? What?
Sequoia: This is… Okay. “Oh, bitchy. Now, Hermione…”
Kim: No, that didn't make any more sense.
Sequoia: No, it doesn’t. It doesn’t make sense. “Now, Hermione, do you know what the reason your boyfriend decided to show his true feelings today?” [Kim sighs] Ron put his face in his hands.
Kim: Ron, you couldn't just... talk to her about it?
Sequoia: Nope. Nope.
Kim: [whispering] You couldn't just talk about it…
Sequoia: “What's he on about? Ron, what's he on about?” Hermione asked, worried. “We had a little dare. Well, more like a bet.” [Kim sighs again] Yeah, it is more like a bet. Definitely more like a bet.
Kim: Yeah, it is exactly a bet. Not even a little bit a dare.
Sequoia: “Well, more like a bet, which was to see how far you would go with him,” Draco continued.
Both: That wasn’t the bet! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Lies. “Is this true, Ron?” Ron looked at the floor. “Ron, how could you!” Hermione grabbed Ron's face with tears in her eyes. “Please tell me it isn't true. Ron, please,” Hermione begged.
Kim: He can’t, ‘cause he's a fucking asshole.
Sequoia: “I'm sorry, Mione.”
Kim: No.
Sequoia: “I never wanted to hurt you.”
Kim: Yes, you… [spluttering]
Sequoia: You literally did not fucking care. Like, he didn’t care.
Kim: Yeah, he didn’t think about it.
Sequoia: “Hurt me? You've made me look like a fool in front of everyone!” Hermione screamed.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Wham! Hermione had dragged her nail through Ron's soft cheek.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: “I hate you, Ron Weasley, don't ever speak to me again!”
Kim: So she... she... slashed him with her nail?
Sequoia: Yeah, she took her nail and just dug a chunk of flesh out of his cheek.
Kim: Good lord! [Sequoia laughs] Fine.
Sequoia: Hermione ran out of the Great Hall, followed by Ginny, Lavender, and Parvarti... Parvati? I don’t know how to say her name, I never have. Parvati. “Here’s your money, Ron.” Draco handed Ron a pile of cash, but Ron pushed it away. “I don’t want your money, you made me lose the best thing I had in my life, the one thing that kept me alive!”
Kim: No. It wasn’t… it wasn’t Draco that made you lose Hermione, you fucking asshole!
Sequoia: You… “My fault? You were the one who kissed the bloody bookworm!” “Don’t you dare call her that!”
Kim: That? That’s your line?
Sequoia: That’s… [muttering in disbelief] But mudblood?
Kim: But yesterday… yesterday, when he called her the m-word, you were fine with it? Great.
Sequoia: But bookworm, [disapproving noise made twice]. Don’t you dare call her that.
Kim: It’s the alliteration that bothers him.
Sequoia: Yeah. They freak me out too. [Kim laughs] Ron screamed at Draco and punched him across the nose. “FIGHT!” screamed someone…
Kim: Neville.
Sequoia: ...as Draco and Ron punched the shit out of each other.
Kim: Nice. Something that bothers me about fanfictions is how quick they are to resort to physical violence, when they fucking know magic.
Sequoia: [laughs] Harry grabbed Ron. “You should go and see Hermione, Ron,” Harry looked at his best friend. “Yeah,” Draco sat up to watch Ron run out of the Great Hall.
Kim: Who said yeah? Was that Ron?
Sequoia: Draco?
Kim: Draco said yeah?
Sequoia: It’s not clear. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh, okay, Neville said it.
Sequoia: So Neville said it. “Fine, go save your bloody bookworm!”
Kim: He said it again!
Sequoia: Yeah, again.
Kim: Punch him!
Sequoia: But wait. Draco screamed as he nursed his bloody nose. Wham! Harry had hit Draco, and now Draco was lying face forward on the stone floor. When Harry hits Draco, he just knocks him the fuck right out.
Kim: Boom!
Sequoia: Yeah. [both laugh, and Sequoia speaks in a deep, confident voice] I’m Harry Potter! “Why did they do it to me, Ron said he loved me!” Hermione cried into her pillow.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: “No, it wasn’t you or Ron, it was Draco.”
Kim: No, it was Ron.
Sequoia: It was Ron!
Kim: It was…
Sequoia: Lavender rubbed Hermione’s hair. “Don’t cry, I know my brother wouldn’t hurt you. They were talking about you yesterday,” Ginny started. Hermione rubbed her head into the pillow more. “They were saying how Ron was madly in love with you.” “It’s okay, Hermione, we will always be there for you,” Parvati told her.
Kim: What part of the conversation did Ginny hear?
Sequoia: None of it.
Kim: [snorts] She just made that the fuck up!
Sequoia: Ginny is just making some shit up, yeah.
Kim: Jesus! This is why everyone hates you, Ginny!
Sequoia: Yeah, [mock disgusted noise]. There was a knock at the girls’ room door. Ginny answered the door to see a very upset Ron. Ginny didn’t say a word and…
Kim: Ron? Ron can’t get to the bedroom!
Sequoia: No, because the stairs.
Kim: Ron!
Sequoia: Ginny didn’t say a word, and mouthed to Lavender and Parvati to leave them alone. Ron walked towards the bed and sat down. “Mione?” [Kim sighs] Hermione looked up. “Go away, Ron.” “Mione, please listen to me. I love you. I didn’t take the money, I love you too much.”
Kim: Yeah, but you took the fucking dare yesterday!
Sequoia: Yeah, dude! “Please go away, I don’t want to see you anymore.” Hermione pushed him away, but Ron was not going to give up that easy.
Kim: Go away, Ron!
Sequoia: He had just found his dream girl, and he wasn’t going to lose her!
Kim: You already fucked it up, this isn’t a rom… This is a rom-com.
Sequoia: This is a rom-com. “Why? Why?” she softly moaned. “I love you, Mione, and I’m not lying, please believe me. I never wanted to hurt you.” Ron leaned in and kissed Hermione on the lips. It was short and sweet, but it made Hermione realize that Ron was telling the truth.
Kim: Nah, I have no words.
Sequoia: Nope.
Kim: I’m not gonna say anything.
Sequoia: Nope.
Kim: No, I’ve got nothing for that. Nope.
Sequoia: That’s not okay. And she threw her arms around Ron’s neck and cried into Ron’s shoulder. Ron looked at her and his tears rolled and fell onto her soft hair. They lay in each other’s arms, crying.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: But it was not sadden this time, it was happiest.
Kim: ‘Kay, read it again.
Sequoia: But it was not sadden this time, it was happiest. [laughs]
Kim: It was happiest, happiest tears.
Sequoia: It wasn’t sadden! Ron lifted his hand up and stroked her hair. “You’re so beautiful, I’ll never let you go,” Ron whispered into her ear.
Kim: Creepy. Creepy as fuck.
Sequoia: That’s it. [both sigh dramatically and then laugh] Your… all your predictions were wrong.
Kim: Yes, they were.
Sequoia: Okay, so this is one of my favorite romance fanfiction tropes of all time.
Kim: Really?
Sequoia: Is they are playing a game, that most, like, Muggle teenagers play.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Truth or Dare, Seven Minutes in Heaven…
Kim: Spin the bottle.
Sequoia: Spin the bottle…
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Like, all that garbage. Usually, it’s introduced by like, Harry or Hermione, who will be like, well, you know, fourteen year old Muggles play this game.
Kim: I read one where the girls played, and I think, like, Lavender Brown introduced it.
Sequoia: Yeah, usually it’s somebody with some kind of Muggle… attachments or something.
Kim: Uh huh. Instead of just Ron?
Sequoia: Yeah, instead of just Ron. Or Draco, or whatever the fuck just happened. But like, usually they come in and they’re, like... introduce it as a Muggle game. Like, this is a Muggle thing that Muggles do, we should play it.”And then it gets like, crazy.
Kim: Uh huh. Uh huh. Sure.
Sequoia: Out of hand.
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: I wanted to go back to my Ron/Hermione roots, you know.
Kim: Is this one of yours?
Sequoia: No. [Kim laughs] No, this is not one of mine, please.
Kim: ronscutiepie, did you write this?
Sequoia: No! [both laugh] So I did also have another Ron/Hermione fic for my recommendation.
Kim: Oh, okay. What is your recommendation?
Sequoia: My recommendation is called… It’s very like, fluff, drabble.
Kim: I love fluff.
Sequoia: Yeah. It’s called Quill You Marry Me? And it’s Ron/Hermione, romance, humor, and it’s just fluff.
Kim: Sounds cute.
Sequoia: It’s… yeah, it’s cute, I like it. I thought it was… it was written back in 2001, about like, after they had graduated from Hogwarts, but like, what the author did with everybody and their post-Hogwarts life…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Was actually very believable.
Kim: Written in 2001, you said?
Sequoia: Mhm, yeah.
Kim: Wow.
Sequoia: So I thought that was pretty impressive.
Kim: Yeah, cool.
Sequoia: That’ll be a… linked in the description. So thank you for listening to this weird thing that we’ve done.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: That we’ve created for you!
Kim: You know what? I yelled a lot, but it was a lot of fun.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I always have fun.
Sequoia: Yeah. Make sure to leave us a review here.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: Wherever you’re listening to this. iTunes, Google Play, Soundcloud.
Kim: Wherever.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: We’d love to hear from you.
Sequoia: We really would. We like kindness, we like constructive criticism, and we don’t like flames!
Kim: No flames!
Sequoia: But you can always email us, as well.
Kim: Yeah, shoot us an email if you have something to recommend, or a story to tell, or whatever.
Sequoia: Whatever.
Kim: I don’t know. Whatever you will...
Sequoia: We’ll listen to whatever you have to say.
Kim: Yeah, we’d love to hear from you.
Sequoia: Whatever. [laughs]
Kim: You can also find us on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.
Sequoia: Mhm. Our email address is fanaticalfics@gmail.com and our handle on all of our social media is @FanaticalFics.
Kim: Our thanks as always to the Whomping Willows for the use of our theme song, it’s their amazing song, Wolfstar.
Sequoia: We’ll see ya [muttering incoherently], you’ll listen to us.
Kim: Come back in two weeks!
Sequoia: [mostly incoherently, again] You’ll to have listened to us.
Kim: Jesus! [Sequoia laughs] Stop it!
Sequoia: It’s not sadden, it’s happiest!
Kim: Oh my Goddd! Come back in two weeks, I will be reading another fic to Sequoia.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: My turn again, maybe she’ll get some points on the board. Oh! We forgot to... oh, no. No, we did.
Sequoia: You got two.
Kim: [whispering] I got two.
Sequoia: You got two points.
Kim: [whispering] Out of three.
Sequoia: Out of a possible six. [Kim laughs] All right. Thanks, thanks.
Kim: Bye.
Sequoia: Bye.
Kim: [softer] Bye.
Sequoia: [whispering] Bye.
Kim: [strained with laughter] Bye! [both make strange grunting noises]