Episode 14: Acceptance? (Feat. Mike Schubert)
It’s our first…. Guest? We welcomed Mike Schubert from the Potterless podcast to indulge in some whatever with us. Then we made him curl up into the fetal position, screaming. Just some classic insanity.
Recommendation: The Other Kiss
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/126951/1/The-Other-Kiss
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Kayla
Checker: Jeanne
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Kim: I want to do some vocal exercises before we get started.
Sequoia: Yeah. It’s a very special day today, so we've got to really prep.
Kim: Sure. I'm gonna get ready. Are you ready?
Sequoia: [at the same time] Prepare-ah.
Kim: Sh... sh... she is a sheet shitter, she shits sheets. [both dissolve into laughter] Sh...
Sequoia: U... unique. N… Unique...
Kim: Nunique New Nork!
Sequoia: Unique New Nork. [snorts]
Kim: New… Nu… Nar… [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Narnique…?
Kim: Nunique New Nork. [indistinguishable “orvermorrr” type sound] Led leath... geather dellow dether.
Sequoia: This is not helping my nerves.
Kim: It’s not? This is not helping. [laughs]
Sequoia: [also laughing] This is not helping.
Kim: These are great though.
Sequoia: They... are they? Are they great? Is that…?
Kim: Shit.
Sequoia: Is that what they are?
Kim: Sheet shitter. [laughs]
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: She shits sheets.
Sequoia: She slit the... ssseashells [Kim sighs] on the sea… sea... shore.
Kim: She shits shea…
Sequoia: Shits.
Kim: ...sells… sh… she shits… [both laugh]
Sequoia: This can't be it.
Kim: We're devolving. We're devolving. [both still laughing]
Sequoia: [through laughter] We can’t… This can't be the cold open.
Kim: It’s not even eleven am and we are devolving.
Sequoia: [singing] Oh God. [Kim sighs]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: This is Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And this is Kim. And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Sequoia: It's our Harry Potter fanfiction podcast, and today, I am so excited. We have a guest?
Kim: Yeah, we do.
Sequoia: Would you like to introduce yourself?
Mike: Yes! Hi, my name is Mike Schubert and I host a little podcast called Potterless, where I document my journey through the Harry Potter series for the first time as a grown man ‘cause I never read them as a kid. So, yeah, it's a fun little time.
Kim: Cool!
Sequoia: Yeah, it's so exciting to have you on because we are, like, diehard Harry Potter fans.
Kim: You know, maybe a little.
Sequoia: Just, like, roughly...
Kim: Just, like…
Sequoia: ...diehard. Almost.
Kim: You could say... [pause for effect] that we’re fanatical!
Both: Oh shit!
Mike: Ohhhh! [laughs]
Sequoia: Never do that again.
Kim: I'm sorry. [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah so it's exciting to have you on and we are… Listeners, this is a spoiler free episode, ‘cause…. Where are you in the series?
Mike: I've read the first chapter of the sixth book, is where I’m at.
Sequoia: Cool.
Mike: So I am getting into the real thick of it, being that the end of five was, like, crazy hype and all these things happening, and Sirius dying, and all these things are starting to come together. And I've heard that the sixth book is filled with more plot twists and stuff. So, I... I'm mostly spoiler free for that. I know that Snape kills Dumbledore, but I have no idea why. I think that's the only major thing I know going forward. Like, I don't know who the Half-Blood Prince is. Or what a Deathly Hallow is. Or whatever that triangle with the circle thing in the middle is. [Kim laughs] I don't know what these things are. I know that Horcruxes exist, but I don't know what they are. So, like, I think I'm at a point now in the series where I pretty much know nothing going forward.
Kim: Uh huh.
Mike: So I'm very excited that this is spoiler free, because my podcast, and my life, is way more fun when I don't know what happens next in Harry Potter.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah, I would assume that if you're trying to read the books, it would be good to not know...
Sequoia and Kim: ...what’s happening…
Sequoia: Next.
Kim: Sure.
Mike: Exactly, yeah.
Sequoia: I would assume.
Kim: Yeah, that sounds right. I don't know.
Mike: No, it would help. It would really shape it because, like, I know Snape turns out to be a good guy or whatever. Or at least we like him for some reason. [Kim and Sequoia snort and laugh] But if I didn't know that… or at least people don't hate him. Like, if I…
Kim: Some people like him.
Mike: Yeah, I mean, like, if I didn’t know that… ‘cause I fuckin’ hate Snape. Snape sucks! He's a horrible professor.
Kim: He’s the worst.
Mike: He's a horrible person. He's so mean to children that I don't understand why people like him. [Kim laughs] So I kinda wish that I didn't know he turns out to be good, or at least passable in the end, because then I would have just been doubled down on this guy is horrible, why does he still have a job? So it's definitely better when I don't know stuff.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, exactly.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Why does he still have a job? That is the…
Kim: Why does anyone at Hogwarts still have a job? Like, child endangerment is the name of the game. [Sequoia laughs]
Mike: Mhm. It really is. Oh, there is a convicted murderer found on our campus? Let’s just have hall monitors. We don’t need to send the kids home. No! That would make too much sense.
Kim: Let's send the kids out as hall monitors, too.
Sequoia: Yeah, the kids. They can do it.
Kim: Like, fine. Those fifteen year olds, they can handle it.
Sequoia: They scream real loud. [all laugh]
Kim: Ohh. Awful.
Sequoia: Cool. Well, we do have a couple of run of the mill questions for you.
Kim: Yeah.
Mike: Sure.
Sequoia: And not so run of the mill questions.
Kim: Ehhh. Whatever.
Sequoia: Ehhh.
Mike: Okay, fun, fun.
Kim: We wanted to jump off with, what house are you in?
Mike: [confidently] Oh, I am a Gryffindor.
Kim: Yeah?
Mike: Yes.
Sequoia: Ugghhh.
Kim: You strongly identify with that in the books and everything?
Mike: Uhh... I think… I think so. When I first was starting getting into Harry Potter and stuff, I thought that I was going to be more of a Hufflepuff, because I'm big into being loyal and hanging out with my friends and all kind of stuff like that. But then I took the quiz on Pottermore, and... I took the first version of the quiz, so like when Pottermore first came out, when it was a more in-depth quiz than the current one. And they asked you a lot of questions where they would, like, ask you a question, and then the follow up to whatever question was. So one was like, if someone was in danger, would you help them, yes, or no? And I was like, yeah, of course! And then it was like, if you helped them, would you want people to know about it? [Kim and Sequoia laugh] And I was like, well, yeahhh, that would be cool. And I was like ohhh... at that moment I was like, okay, I'm a Gryffindor because I'm a little bit of a piece of shit, so… [all laughing] So since... since embracing it...
Sequoia: Well, at least you’re self-aware.
Mike: [laughing] Yeah.
Kim: Self-aware Gryffindor? Yeah, all right, all right, all right, Yeah.
Mike: [laughs] So yes.
Sequoia: Yeah, I have been listening to your podcast and there has been a little bit of shade thrown at Slytherins.
Mike: Well, ‘cause…
Sequoia: And I am a Slytherin. [Mike laughs]
Kim: You guys deserve it.
Sequoia: We did... not all Slytherins!
Kim: You're a bunch of racists.
Mike: I like, I totally understand people identifying with what Slytherin is supposed to embody. Just, so far in the first five books, there hasn't been anything where people are like, Slytherins are ambitious or cunning. Like, the only thing you know is that Slytherins are racists and awful.
Kim: Yup. Yup.
Mike: Like, who are the people in Slytherin that we know about? [Kim laughing] Malfoy, Pansy Parkinson, Crabbe and Goyle, Snape, and Salazar-I'm-a-giant-racist-Slytherin. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: They’re all… [inaudible]
Mike: Like, that's it! They have no redeeming qualities, and I don't know if that happens later in the sixth or seventh, I'm sure. And I know there's like, outside material where J. K. Rowling has justified, like, no, there's some good people in Slytherin, I promise. But, at least right now what I've seen, there's no redeeming qualities. So I don’t know...
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: No, there are…
Mike: ...where people are getting it from.
Kim: What is it you say? You say…
Sequoia: I say that I am a book canon Gryffindor.
Mike: Okay.
Sequoia: And a fan canon Slytherin.
Mike: Okay. That... I can see that. I can see that for sure.
Kim: [laughs] Fine.
Sequoia: [exasperated noises] Don’t “fine” me! [all laughing] My goodness. Yeah, like, the Slytherins are the bad guys in the books.
Mike: Yeah. Oh, For sure.
Sequoia: I accept that. I accept that.
Kim: So does that make me a book canon Slytherin, ‘cause I'm a bad guy?
Sequoia: Yeah! [all laugh] Yeah, ‘cause you’re a… you're a bad guy.
Kim: Yeah, you know, the point of this podcast is for me to antagonize Sequoia.
Mike: Mhm.
Sequoia: Yeah, it is... fine.
Kim: Just on the reg.
Sequoia: I take it. I take it. [Mike and Kim laugh] So, we also wanted to know... So, fanfiction…
Mike: Sure.
Sequoia: ...is, you know, rooted very much in romance.
Mike: Mhmm.
Sequoia: There’s a lot more romantic fanfiction than there is anything else, like, by far.
Mike: Mhm.
Kim: Yeah, for real.
Sequoia: So we really have to know, at this current point you are at the books, what is your one true pairing?
Kim: Yeah.
Mike: Oh! Oh, one that's not actually confirmed yet, but one that I want to be?
Kim: Doesn't matter. Canon or not canon.
Sequoia: Canon or not canon.
Kim: Who do you want?
Mike: I really want… I really want Neville and Luna, really badly.
Kim: Mmm, that's a good pairing.
Sequoia: That’s a good one.
Mike: Because at first I like, Neville and Ginny I thought was really cool, but the more you learn about Ginny in the fifth book, the more you realize she's perfect for Harry and is probably the only person that can put up with [Kim laughs] and will give Harry the resistance he deserves. So, at first I was big on Neville/Ginny, but then she became more of Ginny, so now I like her being with Harry. But! I really liked the scene in the beginning of the fifth book where they go… when you meet Luna on the train to Hogwarts, and it’s Harry and Ginny, and then Neville and Luna, and I just think that would be really fun if that was like, foreshadowing of two future marriages.
Kim: Oh. Yeah.
Mike: And I also think Luna's weirdness could weirdly, cutely be offset by Neville's, like, afraid-of-everythingness. [Sequoia laughs] I think it would just be a very fun yin and yang relationship. So I guess my OTP would be Neville and Luna.
Kim: That's a great ship.
Sequoia: That is a great ship! I love it.
Kim: I love, like, every ship though. I don't know why I would say that. [Mike laughs]
Sequoia: You don't like every ship.
Kim: Okay. Well, okay.
Sequoia: Dramione. Don’t tell me you… [inaudible as Mike and Kim are both talking at the same time]
Mike: Oh nooo!
Kim: I kind of… like, it’s a love hate thing.
Mike: I can't! I can't do Draco/Hermione. That sounds horrible! [moans in disgust] That hurts my feelings a little. [all laughing]
Kim: It’s… yeah. [all continue to laugh]
Sequoia: Speaking of Draco though, this... this podcast gets kind of Dracocentric sometimes.
Mike: Sure.
Kim: For whatever reason.
Sequoia: Because, well, fanfiction Draco is written, like… just… crazy.
Mike: Right, sure.
Kim: He’s hilarious.
Sequoia: You can’t… You can't write fanfiction about Draco unless you turn him into basically a different character.
Kim: Yeah. Pretty much.
Sequoia: Because he's so…
Kim: Awful?
Sequoia: Awful. Evil. Mean.
Mike: Just… and very one sided and one dimensional in the book.
Kim: Yeah.
Mike: Like, you don't learn anything about him except that he likes anything that Harry doesn't like, and that's about it.
Sequoia: So, we like to read stories about him because they’re always pretty insane. So we'd also like to ask you what your Draco true pairing is.
Mike: [excitedly] Oooooh! Oh, man. Um... oh, Draco true pairing… I mean, I think... [exhales slowly] I feel like… I feel like it's got to be Draco struggling between who he loves more between Crabbe and Goyle because honestly, they... [Sequoia and Kim crying with laughter] those two bring nothing to the table.
Kim: [through laughter] They really don’t.
Mike: So it's got to be... he has to have a crush on one of them, otherwise why would he keep them around? ‘Cause they don't do anything. [Kim and Sequoia still laughing in the background] They don't back him up on his jokes.
Kim: No!
Mike: They don't actually beat anyone up. All they do is get, you know, humiliated.
Kim: They look big, and stand there.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Mike: And bring his... brings his, like, rep down, so he's gotta love one and or both of them. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: That’s good. That's a great pairing.
Sequoia: That is excellent!
Kim: Or just a triangle?
Sequoia and Mike: Yeah!
Kim: I always like a weird triangle.
Mike: Of course, of course.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh, that's great. Great answer! Uh, cool. [she and Kim laughs] Um. What's our other question?
Kim: Oh, we wanted to know if you... what your, like, general perceptions and experience you have with fanfiction is. If you have any.
Mike: Yeah, so I… I’ve not read a whole lot. I’m not super well-versed. But there was a span in my life in, I would say late high school, so like junior year and senior year of high school, where I got pretty into Tumblr and stuff. And unfortunately, that’s where I learned the few Harry Potter spoilers that I know because there's always like [yells] GIFS!
Kim: Right.
Mike: Or whatever. But I think that that's my most exposure to fanfic, is just various Tumblr posts that either had clips of fanfic or, like, cut outs or, like, full things posted and stuff like that. And it was something that always… it was something I didn't necessarily get super into where I was reading it all the time. But it was something that I appreciated because I just thought it was cool that you could, I don't know, take some material and then write something new from it. So I think that I related more to, like, the fanfic of trying to guess what happens in a future book, rather than like the super over the top sexual stuff. But, you know, every... to each their own.
Kim: Yeah.
Mike: So, I'm not, like, super well-versed in fanfic but I support it and support people, you know, doing whatever they can to get their creative juices out, because then you can make Fifty Shades of Gray and make billions of dollars from fanfic, so like, you do you! [Kim laughs]
Sequoia: Exactly! Yeah.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: If only that had happened to me.
Kim: There is no way that's going to happen to you. [all laugh lengthily]
Sequoia: Ooooh, sick burn.
Kim: Ooooh! I don’t think that was. That was too easy, dude.
Sequoia: [laughs] Damn it.
Kim: Are we ready? Are we gonna start?
Sequoia: Are we gonna…?
Kim: Let’s jump into the story, dude.
Sequoia: All right, yeah, I'm ready.
Kim: Yep. So..
Sequoia: So we’re going to do predictions.
Mike: Okay.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And…. so yeah, I'm going to do predictions.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Mike’s going to do predictions.
Kim: Uh huh. Listeners…
Sequoia: Listeners.
Kim: ...do your predictions and tweet them at us!
Sequoia: Tweet them at us! So obnoxious.
Kim: Or whatever. [all laugh]
Sequoia: Okay, cool. What is it? What is it?
Kim: Okay, the story is called Acceptance? There is a question mark at the end.
Sequoia: Okay. Acceptance?
Kim: And the genre is humor.
Sequoia: Ahh, no!
Mike: Oooh. [Kim laughs] ‘Kay.
Sequoia: Acceptance? and the genre is humor. [long pause] Okay.
Mike: Okay. I think I got it.
Sequoia: All right, you go first.
Mike: [laughing] Okay, my guess.
Kim: [Kim and Sequoia laughing] Dude.
Mike: My guess, because of Acceptance? with a question mark, and the fact that you guys love Draco, I'm gonna assume that this story is about Draco admitting that he really admires the Ron/Harry/Hermione trio. And then trying to like, apologize for being so mean to them over the course of the past few years. And then, like trying to win their favor over so he can be their friend and then be accepted and welcomed by them! So that’s my guess.
Sequoia: [laughing] Ohh!
Kim: That’s a great guess!
Sequoia: That is so good! I can't!
Kim: I can… I can picture it in my head!
Sequoia: I know! [Mike laughs]
Kim: That fanfiction.
Sequoia: Ohh, I can't beat that. Okay, here we go.
Kim: Give me some garbage, dude.
Sequoia: Acceptance? Hermione.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: And she is... trying to accept… that she is in love with Draco.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Um, and Draco rejects her coldly because he's garbage. [Kim laughs]
Mike: Oooooh!
Sequoia: Yeah?
Mike: Wow!
Kim: Awesome. These are good. These are good.
Sequoia: Yeah? Humorous, right?
Kim: [high pitched, doubtful, squeaking sound] Uhhhhhhhh?! [Mike and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: In a funny way!
Kim: Sh… sh… suuure. [laughs] Right. Okay, fine. Those are great. Let's get started. Gonna be... uh, we'll get into it.
Sequoia: Okay. [whispering] I'm ready. [Mike laughs]
Kim: Uh huh. The door squeaked, just slightly. Harry froze and held his breath. A random, possibly magical, gust of wind blew past him, tearing the handle from his grip and slamming the door loudly. He swore softly and tensed again, listening keenly for any sound, and never more grateful that they had managed to remove the portrait of Sirius's mother from the house.
Sequoia: Ohhh! Okay!
Mike: Hmm. Okay.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: So they’re in the...
Mike: Grimmauld.
Sequoia: ...Black family house.
Kim: Uh huh, uh huh.
Sequoia: Excellent. And he's sneaking around.
Kim: And Mama Black's gone for whatever reason.
Sequoia: For whatever reason they managed to get that portrait off.
Mike: Thank. God.
Kim: Just burn. It. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, she's the worst.
Kim: Seriously.
Sequoia: Uh, and there's a magical gust of wind.
Kim: Slamming the door shut.
Sequoia: Slamming the door shut.
Kim: As magical gusts of wind do.
Mike: Mhm.
Sequoia: And he's sneaking around in there.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Doesn't that...? Okay. All right. Fine. Yeah.
Kim: All right. We'll keep going. We’ll keep going. The kitchen door opened with a creak, and Molly peered out it. "Harry dear? What are you doing?" Oh no.
Sequoia: What? What is... what is he so freaked out about?
Kim: He's sneaking around!
Sequoia: Why is he sneaking around?
Kim: Because uhhh… Just uhh…
Mike: ‘Cause he’s Harry Potter. He does whatever he's not supposed to do. [all laugh]
Kim: He really does.
Sequoia: Exactly! [laughs]
Kim: He had forgotten about the Order meeting. And it wasn't just a few members, either. It was the lot of them, Severus included.
Mike: Oh, gross! Ugghh! [all laugh]
Kim: Gross. Harry fought back a groan and moved toward the kitchen and his imminent doom, [Mike laughs] still hoping he would be able to talk his way out of this situation.
Sequoia: What situ… oh, God! [Mike laughs] Okay. Yeah. His imminent doom.
Mike: We're gonna find out eventually.
Kim: Imminent doom.
Sequoia: Fucking Harry Potter and his constant imminent doom. [Kim snorts and laughs]
Mike: That could be a good title for the eighth book. Harry Potter and the Conf... [all laugh] the Imminent Doom. The Constant Imminent Doom.
Kim: Just take care of yourself for once. Learn a second spell, Harry! [all laugh] Ron appeared at the bottom of the stairs, Hermione, Ginny, Neville, Luna, Fred and George on his heels.
Sequoia: Jesus.
Kim: Everyone's here.
Sequoia: So, fucking ev-ery-one is there.
Kim: Everyone’s here.
Mike: Yeah.
Sequoia: He was…
Mike: Neville and Luna got the invite! Bold.
Sequoia: [laughing] Bold, yeah.
Kim: They were there at the Department of Mysteries. You know, it kinda makes sense.
Mike: That's true, that’s true I guess they could, like, join the team.
Kim: Just everyone's there now.
Sequoia: But Harry obviously was not invited, because he's sneaking around.
Kim: [laughing] I was a little scared to do this story because of how many characters there are in it, and how terrible I am at voices, and how much I insist on doing them. [Sequoia laughs]
Mike: You’ll be fine.
Sequoia: I liked your Molly voice.
Mike: Yeah, Molly was good.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: You're doing good so far.
Kim: Okay, here we go. Here we go. These are Harry's thoughts. Doomed. I am definitely doomed. Molly had stepped out of the kitchen, a worried expression crossing her features. "Did you need something, Harry?" "Uh, no," he muttered, trying to move past the other teens up the stairs. They weren't having any of that. "Guys? Can I pass?"
Sequoia: Okay, so did he sneak out and sneak back in? Ohhh.
Mike: Ohhhhh.
Kim: [singing happily] Where is Harry going in the middle of the night?
Mike: Ohh.
Sequoia: [also singing] Where are you going? [laughs]
Kim: "No," Neville said decisively. "You're going to stay right here and tell us where you've been all night." "All night?" Molly asked sharply.
Sequoia: All night?
Kim: "You mean he just came in?" Ginny nodded. "We realized he was gone about an hour after dinner."
Sequoia: Oh my gosh! And this is the next day. [Kim laughing] He's been... he’s been gone all night.
Mike: Wow!
Sequoia: Where's he sneaking off to?
Kim: To do some Harry shit. [Sequoia laughs]
Mike: Yup. Yup. Yup.
Kim: Never let it be said that Molly Weasley didn't have total control over her troops... or, er, children.
Sequoia: Her troops. [laughing]
Kim: She sent a pointed look at the twins and turned on her heel, re-entering the kitchen. Fred grabbed Harry's right arm, while George grabbed his left, and they marched him after her, the others following silently.
Sequoia: Oh, so she just silently commanded her children to grab Harry and bring him into the kitchen?
Kim: Yeah, they're gonna interrogate him.
Sequoia: The entire Order’s there though.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: Including Snape!
Kim: Oh no!
Mike: All the more reason. [Kim and Sequoia laughed]
Kim: Molly had, it seemed, kicked Severus out of his chair and commandeered it for the interrogation. She directed the twins to push Harry down onto it. Severus raised an eyebrow at the now seated teen, who just sighed and shook his head mournfully in reply. The Professor of Potions snorted.
Sequoia: Oh! What a… what a silly Snape! He is such a silly, off the cuff kind of dude. Just snortin’.
Kim: Snortin’!
Sequoia: Oh, look at him. [laughing] That is, like, a snot... like, not even a characteristic of Snape at all.
Kim: Look. He's feeling a… sn… sn...
Sequoia: He's just having this silent communication with Harry.
Kim: I know, right?
Sequoia: They're on the same wavelength, right?
Kim: Why are…?
Sequoia: They get each other.
Kim: That does not sound right. [Mike laughs] That does not sound right. Most of the Order members just looked confused, although Remus seemed to be finding the whole situation to his amusement. Dumbledore looked inquiringly at the red-haired tyrant. "Molly, what is going on?" She narrowed her eyes, not looking away from her prisoner. "This young man," she began in icy tones. [Sequoia laughs] "Was just discovered sneaking back into the house, having left not long after dinner." Harry winced. Severus's eyes glittered with mirth.
Sequoia: [laughs] That sounds more like him.
Mike: That’s.... sure.
Kim: Yeah, right? Just enjoying Harry’s torment.
Sequoia: As per usual.
Mike: Yep. Yeah, classic Snape move.
Kim: [laughs] The eyes of the Headmaster, on the other hand, turned to Harry in a mix of disapproval, disappointment and curiosity. "Harry?" The teen in question shrugged. "What do you want me to say?" I'm the Chosen One. [Sequoia and Mike laugh hard]
Mike: This is... this is even sassy for, like, fifth book era Harry. I don't even know that he would say something... [in a whiney voice] What do you want me to sayyyy? [Kim and Sequoia laugh] Like, I don't know. We'll see what he says.
Kim: This, it seemed, was the last straw for Hermione's restraint. "Harry James Potter!” Sh...
Sequoia: [snickering] I love the Hermione voice.
Kim: Shit.
Mike: I didn't know his middle name was James but it makes sense!
Kim: Oh yeah, it is.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah.
Kim: That's true.
Sequoia: It is. Yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Mike: Fun.
Kim: Middle names in fanfiction... Hermione’s is always wrong.
Sequoia: Every time. It's always something weird.
Mike: What's her actual middle name?
Kim: It's Jean.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Mike: Oh! Okay.
Kim: Hermione Jean Granger.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: But it's always something weird.
Sequoia: It’s always something weird.
Kim: It’s usually, like…
Sequoia: I mean, that's not as bad as when they say that Ginny's name is actually Virginia.
Kim: Yeah. That’s incorrect.
Mike: Of course...
Sequoia: That happens all the time. That's not it.
Kim: But we didn’t know what it's short for, for a really long time.
Mike: What… what is it short for? Like.
Sequoia and Kim: Ginevra.
Mike: Oh, ‘cause that's a name!? [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: Yeah. Yup. So, I really can't blame people for thinking it's Virginia.
Sequoia: Fine. Fuckin’ fine.
Kim: [laughs] "What the hell are you playing at?" Uh oh, Hermione’s cursing.
Mike: [emphatically] Okay, Hermione would not say the H-E-double-hockey-sticks word. [Kim and Sequoia cackle] She would never do that! [joins in on laughter]
Sequoia: Right?
Kim: This is worse than I thought. Hermione’s cursing. Do you really think...
Mike: Oh, okay, never mind.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah.
Mike: I retract my statement! [all laughing]
Sequoia: He knows! He knows!
Kim: He's in fucking trouble! “Do you really think that you could just waltz out whenever you choose, wander back in at any convenient, late, hour, and expect us to just let it go?" '"Mione..."
Sequoia: Ugghhhhhhhh!
Kim: "Don't you 'Mione me, Harry.”
Mike: [as Sequoia laughs] Ooooh.
Kim: “We're all waiting for your explanation." I can't believe I just said that. I didn't even cringe.
Sequoia: You didn’t cringe.
Kim: It just came out of me. [Mike laughs]
Sequoia: It's because you've been reading so much fanfiction lately, that you...
Kim: That I just accepted that... fucking nickname. [Mike laughs]
Sequoia: You're desensitized, legitimately.
Kim: Oh my God. [groans] Fucking nicknames.
Sequoia: Also though, like Harry, you can't just, like, go out in the middle of the night. There are, like, so many people trying to murder him at this point.
Kim: Right?
Mike: Yeah.
Kim: He’s just, like, sneaking out like it no big deal.
Mike: Mhm.
Kim: Going to die. [Sequoia laughs]
Mike: Yup!
Sequoia: He's a risk taker. Gryffindors, man.
Kim: Gryffindors.
Mike: So awful, they’re the worst. Who would ever be in that house? [all laugh]
Kim: Harry was silent. How can I get out of this? "Harry's in love," Luna informed everyone, staring at the ceiling.
Sequoia: I love that Luna can just like tell things about people. And that’s a thing in fanfiction all the time.
Mike: Luna knows what’s up.
Sequoia: She just looks at you and is like, [breathily] You!
Kim: I know everything about you! [all laugh] There was dead silence. Harry couldn't help but glance around and make sure that everyone was still alive, which is why he knew that everyone except Luna was staring at him, and why he saw the expression in Severus's eyes.
Sequoia: Whaaat?
Kim: That bastard is enjoying this! That's it. I'm going to kill him. Dead. Deader than dead, even.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yes, kill him!
Mike: Okay, Harry, jeez!
Sequoia: That escalated quickly.
Mike: Very quickly.
Kim: "Is this true, Harry?" Remus asked him gently, though Harry could see that the werewolf was also finding this entertaining.
Sequoia: So now the entire Order is questioning him about his love life?
Kim: Yeah.
Mike: Mhm.
Sequoia: That's cool. [laughs]
Kim: Because it's important for them to know who he's spending his time with.
Sequoia: I mean, yeah, this is just some normal teenage things.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And you've just got to let teenagers be teenagers.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And sneak out in the middle of the night.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: To meet their…
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Lover in the…
Kim: Not when everyone’s trying to kill ‘em.
Sequoia: No?
Kim: I don't think so. Harry glared. Remus too. Very very dead. "Yes, actually." "Well, who is she?" Tonks demanded. "Anyone we know? Someone we could have move into the Headquarters, perhaps?"
Sequoia: Wow!
Kim: Just… It’d be safer that way.
Sequoia: It would be. Tonks is being a really good wingman right now.
Kim: She’s bro-ing it up.
Mike: Yeah, she's... she’s doing it! I mean if anyone was to be a wingman in the books, it definitely would be Tonks.
Kim: Oh, for sure.
Mike: For sure.
Kim: She's awesome.
Sequoia: She’s just so.... she just wants everybody to be happy.
Mike: Mhm.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Severus was probably glad to be at the back of the group, as he'd had to turn to the wall with a hand over his mouth to keep from collapsing with laughter.
Mike: All right, I'm liking this Snape a little bit more now! [all laugh]
Kim: Harry gave a wry smile. "No, I don't think an invitation to Headquarters would be a very good idea at all."
Sequoia: It's ‘cause it's Draco! [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Mike: Mmmmmmhm. Mmhmm! A thousand percent Draco! [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: There was a snort from the back of the room, earning the Potions Master several odd looks. Mostly, though, they assumed that he found the thought of Harry in love highly amusing.
Sequoia: [after a pause] You know what? I buy it.
Kim: You buy it?
Sequoia: I buy it.
Kim: That Snape thinks this is fucking hilarious and he's, like, dying.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Mike: Yeah.
Kim: All right. "You're not dating a girl, are you, Harry?" Bill asked shrewdly.
Sequoia: Bill!
Mike: Bill Weas… pfffff?!
Kim: He’s got the best...
Mike: Go back to the bank, Bill. Jeez.
Kim: ...the best gaydar for whatever reason! [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: "Well, no." "Harry, is there something you would like to tell us?" Ginny asked sarcastically.
Harry raised an eyebrow at her and replied in a similar tone. "Yes, Ginny. Everyone, I'm gay."
Sequoia: Who's surprised? Is anyone surprised?
Mike: No.
Kim: "No, really?" Neville muttered. [Sequoia laughs]
Mike: He's got a huge old crush on Sirius the whole fifth book so, yeaaahhh. Not surprised. [Sequoia and Kim laugh]
Kim: Oh no! Not Harry/Sirius! [Sequoia still laughing]
Mike: He calls Sirius handsome like twelve times in Order of the Phoenix. Like, it's apparent.
Kim: I am internally cringing!
Sequoia: That is great!
Kim: Gross.
Sequoia: That’s greeeeat!
Kim: Just a good looking dude! Everyone can appreciate that, or whatever.
Sequoia: Yeah, we did determine that he is the best looking Marauder, right?
Kim: Yeah we determined...we picked... we decided that.
Sequoia: Hottest Marauder!
Mike: Yeah. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: It’s not really in that much of a competition. Peter?
Sequoia: What? Ohhh, Peter. [heavily sighs]
Kim: "All right you three, that's enough sarcasm to last even Severus all night," Remus said good-naturedly. "Now Harry, why don't you tell us about your boyfriend? Why can't you invite him here?"
Mike and Sequoia: Because he's Draco! [all laugh]
Kim: Severus made a choking sound. Luna, who had gravitated to where he was standing, absently patted him on the back.
Sequoia: Aww, good Luna.
Kim: She's trying to be. Taking care of the guy who's like dying in the corner. He’s like spazzing out. Harry opened his mouth, and then closed it. He did this another two times. What could he say that wouldn't end with them killing him? Ron, of course, was the first to jump to conclusions as to why Harry couldn't, or wouldn't, tell them. "Oh. My. God. Harry, you're dating Draco Malfoy?"
Mike: Oh wait then it's wrong! No! Ron's never right about anything! [all laugh]
Kim: Ohhhh! [laughs] It’s kind of true.
Sequoia: [still laughing] It is kinda true.
Mike: Is it Crabbe or Goyle? [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: We can only hope. There was a whimper from the back of the room. Luna's voice could be heard murmuring "There there."
Sequoia: [laughs] Snape is just like crying in the corner?
Kim: Yeah.
Mike: Mmm.
Sequoia: This is weird.
Mike: I like this version of Snape a lot. [laughs]
Kim: Everything’s too funny!
Sequoia: Too funny.
Kim: "Of course he's not!" Hermione snapped. "Harry has more taste than that." Her eyes widened and she spun away to face Harry. "You aren't, are you?" [Sequoia laughs]
Mike: Now I think it's Draco again.
Kim: Harry has no taste! Right?
Sequoia: Oh, Harry. I mean...
Kim: Ehhh.
Sequoia: Eh, he's got fine taste.
Kim: Yeah, he actually does.
Mike: I mean, Ginny's a catch. And for him?
Kim: Yeah, for sure.
Mike: Like, they make so much sense.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: And Cho's good until she has… until she gets sad.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Justifiably sad!
Mike: The significant lack of guidance counselor at Hogwarts really, you know, plays a role.
Kim: Right?
Mike: Like, you can't blame her for doing all that.
Kim: No!
Mike: It’s like, they need some sort of figure to be like, hey, your boyfriend just died. Maybe we should talk about it. Rather than be like, Let’s just ignore you. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: Just get over it girl!
Mike: Yeah, exactly.
Kim: Harry's like, Why are you crying all the time?
Mike: Exac… Oh my God, ugh you're so annoying. Yeah. [Sequoia laughing]
Kim: [fake sobs] My boyfriend died! [Mike laughs]
Sequoia: [through laughter] Oh, no!
Kim: Awful.
Sequoia: Yeah, I mean other than that, though.
Kim: He's got fine taste.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: "No, I'm not," he said soothingly. "I mean, sure, Draco's good looking, and once you get to know him he's a great guy…”
Sequoia: Ugh.
Kim: “...but I wouldn't date him. He's too..." "Smarmy?" Ginny suggested, blinking innocently. "Conceited? Snobbish? Slytherin?"
Sequoia: [laughing] Oho, shit!
Mike: Woooow. Shots fired.
Sequoia: All true. All true.
Kim: I mean, he's just the worst.
Sequoia: He's just the worst. But apparently Harry says he's really nice once you get to know him. [Mike laughs]
Kim: Why does Harry know him?
Sequoia: Ohhh! Why is any of this happening?
Kim: Another whimper from Severus. "Blond," Harry said with a shrug.
Sequoia: Oh, ok, there it is.
Kim: He's not into blonds.
Sequoia: He doesn’t like blonds. That's fine.
Kim: He's not into them. You know.
Sequoia: I buy it. [laughs]
Kim: Do you?
Sequoia: I do, I do. I buy it.
Kim: Okay. Fine. "Which rules out Seamus," Neville mused. "And Justin."
Mike: And Luna! [Kim and Sequoia laugh] Oh wait, sorry, we established Harry's gay, never mind, I forgot.
Kim: Yeahhh.
Sequoia: Previously ruled out.
Kim: Yup. "Also, he'd be able to invite them both over," Ginny pointed out. "Harry, you are going out with a Slytherin, aren't you?"
Mike: Wait, hold on, one second. Seamus Finnigan blond? His name is Seamus Finnigan. If he's not a redhead, I'm throwing the book away! Like, come on! Seamus Finnigan is the most Irish two names you can put together! [Kim laughs]
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Sandy brown hair.
Sequoia: Sandy brown hair?
Mike: Yeah, it’s…
Kim: Yup.
Mike: It’s... it’s got…. Well, that's brown, that's not…
Kim: It's like a light brown.
Mike: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But he’s definitely not blond.
Kim: Like a dirty blond.
Mike: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah, there’s no way he’s blond.
Kim: Dirty blond.
Sequoia: Dirty blond.
Mike: Anyway, anyway, go back to the fanfic. Lest… we not get off track.
Kim: [laughs] Ehhh. Harry, you are going out with a Slytherin, aren't you?" "Uh, you could say that..." He winced.
Sequoia: Ummm…
Kim: Luna…
Sequoia: What does that… what does mean? You could say that?
Kim: You could say that.
Mike: Oh no. Is it a graduated Slytherin?
Sequoia: [at the same time] Is it a former Slytherin?
Kim: "Luna, could you find him a chair, do you think? He's going to pass out or something." [laughing] Snape in the corner.
Sequoia: [through laughter] Snape! Snape in the corner is possibly the best part of this entire fanfiction so far.
Mike: This is really good. I really like it.
Kim: Just dying. As she did so, Arthur gave Harry a considering look. "Would I be right in guessing a Slytherin alumnus?" [Mike gasps]
Sequoia: Yep. Right.
Kim: Harry ducked his head and nodded, avoiding the man's eyes. "So, Marcus Flint?" Neville suggested. "Assuming he actually managed to graduate last year, that is.”
Mike: Pffffffff!
Sequoia: Marcus Flint never graduates!
Kim: Nice, just still at Hogwarts.
Sequoia: He’s there forever.
Kim: 2018, still there. [all laugh]
Sequoia: Still there! Marcus Flint… no! Now, I'm trying to think. I want to guess what happens.
Kim: "Montague? Adrian Pucey?" Pucey.
Sequoia: Pucey.
Kim: It's the worst name.
Sequoia: Ugh.
Kim: Harry just glared. "Methinks we're in the wrong generation," Tonks said smugly. Severus snickered.
Sequoia: What is happening?
Kim: This time, all eyes turned his way.
Sequoia: No!
Kim: "Oh, no," Ginny moaned.
Mike: What?
Kim: "If that's it, I refuse to ask any more questions, and will charge Harry for my therapy bills." [Sequoia laughs]
Mike: No. Please, he's not dating Sssnape!
Sequoia: Nooooo! You can't have done this to meeee!
Kim: Ron was so horrified he couldn't speak.
Sequoia: [laughs] Definitely. That's in character. [Mike groans]
Kim: Luna was giggling, while Neville, Tonks and Mad-Eye just looked skeptical. The other four Weasley boys and their parents were wide-eyed and waiting for confirmation or denial, although they were hoping for the latter.
Sequoia: We're all hoping for denial, Weasleys!
Mike: We're all hoping for denial.
Kim: Oh my God, Harry/Snape is the worst pairing.
Mike: Ugghhhhhh! Be dating like the ghost of Salazar Slytherin or something, just not Snape!
Kim: Oh, that would be awesome. [Mike groans] I wish it was that. Harry/Ghosts!
Sequoia: We love Harry/Ghosts here at the the podcast! [Mike laughs]
Kim: Minerva was frowning darkly at Severus, while Dumbledore looked disappointed in the man. Remus just raised an eyebrow at Harry, fairly sure that it wasn't true, but wanting to hear it. But it wasn't until Hermione's second outburst of the night that Harry and Severus realized the conclusions that everyone else had arrived at. "Harry! Surely you wouldn't be so irresponsible as to get involved in a relationship with a teacher. If for no other reason than his career and your education!"
Sequoia: Priorities! Hermione's priorities; there they are again.
Kim: Every time.
Sequoia: Every time. [laughs] But actually…
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: I like that you went through and read everyone's reaction to what's going on.
Kim: Uh-huh
Sequoia: And Harry and Snape were oblivious to all of this.
Kim: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Everyone’s like, da fuck is wrong with you?
Mike: Which sounds very Harry. That is very Harry.
Kim: Oh, for sure! Harry never knows what is happening. [Sequoia laughing]
Mike: Never gets anything.
Sequoia: And Snape is so busy crying in the corner, he has no idea.
Kim: Crying with laughter. Just dying. [sighs] Harry's jaw dropped, while Severus groaned and buried his head in his hands. "You don't... oh my God. You do. You think... oh my God!"
Sequoia: Harry vomits.
Mike: Oh thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank Gooood. [Kim and Sequoia laugh] [Mike half sighs, half groans]
Sequoia: I was really…. I was really hoping, ‘cause I… I… I feel like you wouldn't have done that to me.
Kim: Right? The first time I read this story and I saw the buildup I was like, oh my God, I'm going to vomit. [Sequoia laughs] Remus looked satisfied. "That," Luna said quietly into the ensuing silence. "Was a, “No, Hermione, I am not engaging in sexual or romantic activities with any teacher at all, let alone Professor Snape.””
Sequoia: Thanks, Luna!
Kim: "Thank the Gods," Severus muttered. "I don't want to die."
Sequoia: What?
Mike: Wait, hold on.
Kim: That means…
Mike: He said “Thank the Gods”? They celebrate Easter and Christmas. They are clearly all Christian at Hogwarts.
Sequoia: Clearly.
Kim: The... the deities that get mentioned in fanfic never make any sense!
Sequoia: Never. [Kim and Mike laugh]
Kim: "Can't be Lucius Malfoy, either," Neville said thoughtfully. "Blond, you know.” [Sequoia laughs]
Mike: Mhm.
Kim: “Um...I don't know of any other graduated Slytherins.”
Sequoia: I don’t know…
Mike: Me either. I can’t think of one.
Kim: “Well, I can think of one, but..." he trailed off and stared at Harry with incredibly wide eyes. "Holy shit."
Sequoia: Wait! Oh no!
Kim: ‘Kay, now we’re getting Harry's thoughts: Ah, so Neville was the first. Other than Luna, who I think has known for longer than I have. Well done to him, anyway! Ginny was frowning. "Who else is there, other than... oh. I see."
Sequoia: Okay, so everyone is now… this story is going to describe to us every single…
Kim: Everyone's reaction as they get it.
Mike: Slowly. Good thing there's thirty-eight people in the room right now. [all laugh]
Kim: Right? I actually trimmed this story down a little bit.
Mike: Oh wow. Wowhahow.
Kim: I cut some reactions. We got… I think I accidentally might have cut Charlie out of the story completely.
Mike: [gasps] No!
Sequoia: Oh, Charlie’s, like, here?
Kim: Just like they do in the movies.
Mike: The best Weasley! The only Weasley that... Ugh, damn it. He's the best Weasley, and the movies were like, nope!
Kim: Yup. I cut him too.
Mike: Ugh.
Sequoia: Charlie is awesome! Whatever.
Kim: He had like one line.
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: Two down… "Arthur, please catch me. I'm about to faint." "Faint, Molly? Why would you do that?" "I'm about to allow myself to realize who my seventh boy is in love with."
Sequoia: Oh my God, what is happening?
Kim: "Oh." Arthur easily caught his wife and shifted so she was leaning on him. "I suppose that's one way to end it, Harry." [long pause] Get it yet? No?
Sequoia: No!
Kim: Still not?
Sequoia: What? Wait. What is happening?
Kim: We’ll keep going, we’ll keep going. Tonks threw her hands into the air. "I give up! I've racked my brains, and I can't think of anyone!”
Sequoia: [screams] IT’S VOLDEMORT! [Kim laughs] IT’S VOLDEMORT! IT’S VOLDEMORT! I get it! I get it!
Mike: Nooooooooooo!
Kim: [laughing so hard]
Mike: Aaaaaaaahhhhh ha ha hahahaha, ohh.
Kim: Wooooo!
Sequoia: What? Did you do?! [Kim and Sequoia continue to laugh hysterically] What did you do to poor Mike?
Mike: Ugh, damn it! Oh, God! [Kim and Sequoia laugh some more] It's some…
Sequoia: I was, like, ooooooooh!
Mike: Honestly, though, it’s somehow still better than if it was Snape.
Kim: Right? [Mike and Sequoia laugh. Nothing is worse than Snape.
Sequoia: Oh my God.
Mike: Oh my God.
Sequoia: With Arthur saying, so that's one way to end it, I was like, what?
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: What the hell does that mean?
Mike: Oh God.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: Oh, man.
Kim: “I can't think of anyone! Harry, I demand you spill at once." Harry shrugged. Half of them had figured it out anyway. And everybody here at this table.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: He may as well spill. "All right, Tonks. I'll tell. I'm dating Voldemort.” [Mike laughs]
Sequoia: Just casually though, like, it's nothing super serious, we’re taking it very slowly.
Kim: Don't want to put any labels on it yet.
Mike: Ohhhh. [sighs]
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Fine.
Kim: There was, again, dead silence. Molly, who had just returned to consciousness, broke it. "Well, you'll have to introduce him to us, Harry. As the man you love, not as the man who we've been fighting against." [Sequoia laughs]
Mike: This is not the reaction that anyone could, should or would have. [Kim laughs]
Sequoia: No! No!
Kim: [still laughing] It’s just that everybody supports Harry! He's the Chosen One, you have to support him
Sequoia: [laughs] This is how he ends it. This is why he's Chosen.
Kim: Bill reached over and closed Tonks's mouth. "You'll end up eating flies, you know." Fred was beginning to grin. "You're serious, aren't you mate?" "Yep, sure am." "Brilliant," George said with a nod. "I've seen pictures of what he's done with himself lately, you've done well for yourself."
Sequoia: Oh God, what?
Kim: Are they talking about snake face?
Sequoia: Snake face?
Kim: When I read this I was like, are they talking about the snake face he has?
Sequoia: No nose!
Kim: Hot. Bald... pallid skin. [Sequoia laughs]
Mike: [exasperated] Remember that time he murdered your parents?! [Kim and Sequoia laugh] And tried to murder you! Whhhaaaat?! [groans] [Kim and Sequoia laugh again]
Kim: He's hot now! He's a hottie! I guess.
Mike: Oh, goddamn.
Kim: You know, Harry's always had that weird affinity for snakes.
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh nooo!
Mike: Oh, God.
Sequoia: Voldemort went to America for the summer and got hot! [laughs]
Kim: Fine.
Mike: Ugh.
Sequoia: Fine.
Kim: Fine. Minerva and Mad-Eye overcame their shock at about the same time, but other than a smile in Minerva's case and a grudgingly approving nod from Mad-Eye, neither of them said anything.
Sequoia: Mad-Eye Moody would. Not. Take. That. Shit.
Kim: Neither would anyone in that room!
Mike: Anyone! [groans again] [Kim laughs]
Sequoia: But, like, especially Mad-Eye Moody!
Kim: Wait, we haven't gotten to the best part yet.
Sequoia: We haven't gotten to the best part?
Mike: Oh, no.
Kim: Harry turned his head slowly to look at Dumbledore…
Mike: Oh, shit.
Sequoia: Oh my God.
Kim: ...who was far more shocked than he had ever seen the man. Finally, he sighed. "Harry, if you had just told us, we could have let you leave in daylight, scheduled meetings, so we know where you are.”
Sequoia: No!
Mike: No.
Kim: Severus, the only person who had known about the relationship ahead of time who wasn't a half psychic Ravenclaw witch or a skeptical werewolf, was staring at his employer in utter astonishment. He wasn't the only one who was amazed. Ron was gaping. "Harry? And Voldemort? In a... relationship?
Mike: Okay, Ron with the only genuine reaction so far.
Sequoia: Right?
Kim: “I… no, I wouldn't have preferred Snape, but still!" [Sequoia laughs]
Mike: Yup, yup. Ron is all of us.
Kim: Ron gets it.
Mike: We are all Ron today. [laughs]
Sequoia: [through laughter] We are all Ron.
Kim: Hermione was speechless, and was just staring from her best friend to her headmaster and back again. "Headmaster, have you lost it completely?" Severus demanded finally. "You're condoning a relationship between your golden boy and Voldemort?"
Mike: Okay. Snape with a normal reaction, surprisingly.
Sequoia: Yeah. After, after giggling and crying in the corner for the entire…
Kim: Sobbing…
Sequoia: Oh my God. Okay.
Kim: Dumbledore was beaming. "But of course, my dear boy! After all, I just want everyone to be happy!" [Sequoia snorts]
Mike: No. Nooo.
Sequoia: That's not even…. that's not even....
Kim: Everyone's happy! [Mike sighs] There were two thuds as both Severus and Harry hit the floor in a dead faint. Barring Remus and Luna, everyone looked shocked. Remus grinned at the blond girl. "You knew as well?" She nodded. "I have occasional premonitions.”
Sequoia: Yeah, sure. [laughs]
Kim: I don't think she does.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: It's those Nargles, always whispering in her ears. Secrets of the future. [Sequoia and Mike laugh] Or whatever!
Sequoia: Or whatever!
Kim: "You knew?" "A werewolf's sense of smell never lies."
Sequoia: That's weird! [laughs]
Kim: It’s very weird.
Sequoia: That’s weird.
Mike: Oh, God.
Kim: Super weird. Wa-wa-wa-wait. Ginny was biting her lip. "Er, would this be a good time to tell everyone that I'm pregnant?"
Sequoia: Wha… what?! [shouts with laughter once more]
Mike: WHAT?! Wha… wha…? [all dissolve into laughter]
Kim: Her mother fainted again.
Sequoia: Ohhh nooooo.
Mike: What?
Kim: "Whose baby is it?" Arthur managed to ask in a completely calm and neutral tone. Hermione raised a sheepish hand.
Sequoia: [through continued laughter] No, what is happening?
Mike: What? What?
Sequoia: This… this is... this is devolved! This is devolved into madness!
Mike: WHAT?
Kim: "Potion and spell combination gone wrong. Well, combined with… other things..."
Sequoia: Oh my God! What is happening?
Mike: So, Hermione did a penis spell and then fucked Ginny? [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Or whatever!
Mike: Oh my God! [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: Ohhhh! You know...
Mike: Regardless of the weirdness of this, no. This is not the right time to tell that, Ginny! We’ve gotta solve the first problem, that Harry is dating Satan! Gotta resolve that first! Ughhh! Jesus! [Kim and Sequoia have been laughing through most of this speech]
Kim: Arthur just sighed. "And here I was hoping that our eldest would be the first to procreate.”
Sequoia: It’s their youngest.
Mike: That is the wrong thing to worry about! Ginny’s, what, four.. fourteen?
Kim: Probably not.
Mike: Fifteen? Depending on when this is taking place.
Kim: This is… sixth book… [long pause] She’s fifteen.
Sequoia: [simultaneously] She’s fifteen.
Mike: [also simultaneously] Sixth book she’s fifteen. Ugh.
Kim: It's fine.
Sequoia: She’s fifteen.
Kim: It’s fine. [Mike groans, Sequoia squeaks] Actually, it doesn't say. It's implied that its sixth year, but… could be…
Sequoia: Could be…?
Kim: Whenever.
Sequoia: Yeah, I like to wait until, like, a massive sort of… And you know what? Everybody should be happy, because the war’s over! Right? This means the war is over?
Kim: Unless Harry decides to join sides with Voldemort against everybody who just humiliated him. [starts laughing]
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh no!
Mike: Jeez.
Sequoia: Okay, so.
Kim: So! How do you guys feel?
Sequoia: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Kim: [laughs] Found this for you! [Sequoia laughs] Thought it was very special.
Mike: Oh my gosh.
Sequoia: It… was very special. I feel like, it was sort of like, it was kind of like, uhhh normal. Not normal but like…
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Normal humorous in the beginning…
Kim: Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah.
Sequoia: ...and you're like ohhh, it's just this teenage boy and they are all just trying to figure out who he likes. [Kim and Mike make agreeing noises] Ohh ha ha ha. And then, like in a matter of like a page, it just devolved into madness. [Kim laughs]
Mike: It… shit hits the fan quickly.
Sequoia: Exactly. [Kim still laughing]
Mike: I will say, I've got to give credit to the person who wrote it, that I did not see Voldemort coming.
Kim: Right?
Mike: And once they started to one by one pick off all the Slytherin alumni, I was, like, I can't think of any more people that we know that were in Slytherin. And I didn't even think Voldemort was a possibility, because if they’re having…
Kim: [through laughter] ‘Cause it…
Mike: ...like, Order of the Phoenix meetings, you would think that’s because they are fighting Voldemort. [Sequoia laughs] So I thought he was off the table, but apparently not.
Kim: It's like that fanfic we read last time where Voldemort and Dumbledore and the original Order members would get together for a poker game every week.
Sequoia: Right, the ceasefire poker game.
Kim: Even though the war was still going on.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Mike: You know... whatever you’ve got to do.
Kim: You know, sometimes, uhh, the war is happening/not happening. [Sequoia laughs] Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah, that was…
Kim: Thought this story was hilarious when I read it, ‘cause I was so sure it was Snape, and I was like that’s disgusting.
Mike: Yeah.
Kim: And I got to the end and I was like, nope that's hilarious, I’m dying. I have to share this.
Mike: Yeah, it was really good. Really good to make us fall for that, And then I didn't see Voldemort coming. Definitely didn't see Hermione impregnating Ginny coming.
Kim: That comes out of fucking nowhere. I love it.
Mike: I'd have to reread it to see if there are hints dropped throughout.
Kim: Nope!
Mike: But that seemed a little…
Kim: Nooooo.
Mike: Put the M. Night Shyamalan twist on that one. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah! Oh man!
Kim: Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup.
Sequoia: Whooo!
Kim: Finger guns.
Sequoia: I love it!
Kim: So, both of your predictions are wrong.
Mike: Super wrong! Super duper wrong.
Sequoia: Although, plausible fanfictions.
Mike: Because Harry doesn't like blond people, duh.
Kim: Right.
Mike: What was I thinking?
Kim: Right. [Mike laughs, then Kim laughs]
Sequoia: I am glad you didn't go for another Harry/Draco.
Kim: We've done too many Drarries.
Sequoia: We did that last week… last time. So I’m glad we didn't do that again.
Kim: But, I love Drarry so much. It's so stupid.
Sequoia: I love Drarry so much though. So much. [Mike laughs] So stupid. Um. That was really fun.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: I liked that there were so many reactions. It’s just, like...
Kim: Boom boom boom boom boom.
Mike: ‘Cause everyone that exists is in this meeting.
Kim: Yup.
Mike: Literally everyone was there. There was no one was asked to stay home. Just the entire character base of [inaudible due to Kim and Sequoia laughing] guys.
Kim: Surprised that Kingsley and…
Mike: Oh yeah, Kingsley wasn’t there.
Kim: And Dedalus, and...
Sequoia: Maybe they were there…
Kim: Oh!
Mike: And just didn't…
Sequoia: ....and didn’t have reactions.
Kim: They fainted in the beginning, probably. [all laugh]
Sequoia: They were in this corner with Snape, crying.
Kim: That's where I was.
Sequoia: You can find me… Yeah.
Kim: For this episode I am going to recommend a story called The Other Kiss. It's a quick beat that happens at the end of book four that is so adorable. I actually sent it to you right after reading it, because I cannot contain how adorable I think this story is. I guess you didn’t read it. Sequoia.
Sequoia: Oops. [Mike laughs] Called out!
Kim: But it’s so cute and I love it. Like, I read it and I was like, eleven year old me would be dying right now. [all laugh] So. That link will be in the episode description. So, what did you think of your first experience of a fanfiction reading?
Mike: I liked it. It was good! I guess I… I had lower expectations. I thought it was just going to be, like, all and only about the love, and just, like, straight to it.
Kim: Uh huh.
Mike: But this was a really funny, you know... All the different reactions and... and people going crazy. And all the different... all of the different like thoughts internally of Harry and stuff. It was good. It was definitely, uh... exceeded my expectations and was genuinely funny. So the humorous tag made sense.
Kim: It did actually, for once.
Sequoia: The humor tag does not always make sense.
Kim: No, it does not. [Mike laughs]
Sequoia: But in this case it did.
Kim: By itself it usually… it sometimes does.
Sequoia: Yeah, when it's by itself.
Kim: Cool. Yeah so, we will have a link to the Potterless podcast in the episode description.
Mike: Awesome.
Kim: Thank you for coming on, this has been a blast.
Mike: Thanks for having me! This was great! I’m… I’m very… It was great for this to be my first experience with fanfiction. [Kim laughs] I can't think of a better way to be introduced into the genre.
Kim: The most insane story.
Sequoia: Excellent. Yeah, we… you know, we love fanfiction.
Kim: Oh yeah.
Mike: Mhm.
Sequoia: We love every bit of it. We love the stuff we read. We love the stuff we recommend. We love everything about fanfiction and we are so happy that we got to share it with someone who is not familiar with the medium.
Kim: Yeah! Sure!
Mike: Yeah! It was good, it was a good time. Thanks for having me. I really do appreciate it.
Kim: Looking forward to listening to more of your podcast as well.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Mike: Thank you.
Kim: Sixth book starting soon?
Mike: Yeah, so I'm… Reading-wise I’m a little ahead of episode-wise, so I think the next episode to come out is like… it’s, like, chapter thirty through... thirty-three? of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, so…
Kim: Cool.
Mike: ...we’re getting into the meaty chapters of it.
Kim: Nice
Sequoia: Great.
Mike: So yeah! That's coming out soon. And I'm just, you know, getting into reading and recording of the sixth book which I'm very excited about. But yeah, my journey continues as I read through the books for the first time and, you know, make fun of stuff that doesn't make sense along the way. [Sequoia and Kim laugh]
Kim: Nothing ever makes sense.
Sequoia: No.
Mike: Few things do.
Sequoia: Few things.
Kim: All right, cool.
Sequoia: Awesome. All right, well, you can find us on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, @FanaticalFics.
Kim: If you have something maybe a little longer to share with us, our email is fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Sequoia: You can support us on patreon.com/fanaticalfics. We do some weird stuff over there. Some stories we write.
Kim: Some great stuff!
Sequoia: Uh, yeah, Kim...
Kim: Great stuff!
Sequoia: Right. Great stories. [Mike laughs] It's worth it for just that.
Kim: I've got two up. I don't have any ideas in the mix currently, but, you know, something will come to me.
Sequoia: I'm going to write something.
Kim: God damn it, Sequoia! [Sequoia and Mike laugh] You've been promising that for months!
Sequoia: I'm gonna do it... someday.
Kim: Jesus fucking Christ!
Kim and Sequoia: Umm…
Sequoia: What else we got
Kim: If you don't feel like supporting us monetarily what else super duper helps us out is if you drop us a review on iTunes. Let us know what you like, what you don't like. It’ll help us find new listeners too. We love that.
Sequoia: Yeah. Share this episode with a friend. A friend that you... don't like very much, a friend that you like a lot.
Kim: Dude.
Sequoia: A friend that you feel medium about.
Kim: Fine. Also, if you love fanfiction as much as we do, there is a link in the episode description to a form that you can fill out to send us a fanfiction you think we need to see.
Mike: Niiice.
Kim: So.
Sequoia: Yeah. We'll read it!
Kim: We will! Maybe not on the podcast, but it will get seen. [Mike laughs]
Sequoia: We love fanfiction.
Kim: [singing] I love it so much.
Sequoia: Thank you to the Whomping Willows for our awesome theme song, Wolfstar.
Kim: All right, I think that's it.
Sequoia: Okay. Bye!
Kim: Bye!
Mike: Byee!
[all laugh]