Episode 15: The Valentine’s Day Special: Unusual Valentine's Day/Ron and the Valentine's NIGHTMARE!!! (Feat. Colin)
For our first holiday special, we brought on friend of the pod Colin to react along with us as we read a couple of Valentine’s day fics that… well… don’t go the way you would expect.
Recommendations:
A Pair of Paper Hearts
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/2799864/1/A-Pair-of-Paper-Hearts
If You’re Breathing
http://archiveofourown.org/works/1642049
Sequoia: [in a high-pitched nasal voice] What time is it?
Kim and Colin: It’s Valentine’s!
Sequoia: [same voice] What time is it?
Kim and Colin: It’s Valentine’s!
Sequoia: [same voice] What’re we gonna get?
Kim and Colin: Several boys!
Sequoia: [same voice] How’re we gonna get ‘em?
Kim and Colin: Uhhh…
All: Harry Potter fanfiction? [Kim and Colin laugh]
Sequoia: That was good!
Kim: Did people…?
Colin: Did some spiking.
Kim: Did people actually watch Homestar Runner? Or was that just us?
Colin: No...
Sequoia: Tweet at us if you understood what the hell just happened.
Colin: No, Homestar Runner was really popular from like, 2005 to 2008. No, wait, no, before that... way before that.
Sequoia: No, it was before that, yeah.
Colin: It was really popular.
Sequoia: I don’t know, it was really popular.
Kim: I think it was like, when we were in junior high.
Sequoia: All my friends did.
Colin: No, it was junior high, yeah.
Kim: Yeah, all right.
Colin: Mmm!
Kim: I just... I just wonder, because...
Colin: I had a Homestar Runner sweatshirt.
Kim: You did.
Colin: I still have it somewhere.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: I remember that.
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, this is Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I’m Kim! And uh, you may have noticed we’ve got a third voice with us today.
Colin: I’m a drunk homeless man who just fell into your basement!
Kim: Nope.
Colin: Woooaah!
Sequoia: Hooray! [laughs]
Kim: Nope. Nope.
Sequoia: [giggles] Hooray!
Colin: Spare rooms podcast, we’re having so much fun.
Kim: Uhhh... we got... you may have noticed that we’re releasing an episode on a Wednesday…
Colin: [in the background] Whoo!
Sequoia: But it’s also Valentine’s Day, so we decided that it would be fun to, a) have a special Valentine’s Day episode, and...
Colin: [in a deep, seductive voice] A very special Valentine’s Day episode. [Kim laughs]
Sequoia: and b)... [laughs] Oh, God.
Kim: Introduce a friend of the podcasters and new guest.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: Yeah. I’m... hi, I’m Colin.
Kim: Yeah.
Colin: I’m a friend of the pod.
Kim: Yeah.
Colin: I’ve been a friend of the pod from the very beginning. I wanted to... I wanted them to name it Harry Potter and the Half-Baked Plots.
Kim: It was like... it was a... I think that was a good suggestion.
Colin: Which I still think is a better name.
Sequoia: Well this is the thi... okay. You can’t come on the podcast and say that [Kim laughs] you have a better name for the podcast. [Colin laughs]
Kim: Yeah, that’s...
Sequoia: Like...
Kim: That’s spicy.
Colin: I’m just bringing that real talk. I don’t mess around.
Sequoia: Some hot takes.
Colin: Yeah, some hot takes up in here. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: We didn’t go with that name though, because this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Colin: It’s also a good name.
Sequoia: It’s our Harry Potter fanfiction podcast, where we read crazy, outlandish and insane Harry Potter fanfiction and... we fucking love it.
Colin: [chuckles] It’s a lot of fun.
Kim: Just... I cannot stop.
Sequoia: I can’t stop either, and you know what? We actually were discussing this earlier, before we started recording. We were looking for Valentine’s Day fanfiction...
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: ...and found a surprising...ly small amount of it. Like, it was kinda weird.
Kim: Yeah!
Kim: I went into fanfiction.net.
Colin: That is really surprising.
Kim: I typed in Valentine’s Day and… there weren’t that many.
Sequoia: There was, like, twenty-five pages.
Kim: As opposed to Christmas, which you type in and there are…
Colin: Well, Harry Potter’s very Christmas.
Kim: That’s true.
Sequoia: It is very Christmas.
Colin: It’s… it’s, like, Christmas year-round.
Kim: We talked about it in that Christmas episode that wasn’t.
Sequoia: We generally wouldn’t do two guest episodes in a row, but Colin’s not, like, a real guest.
Kim: No…
Sequoia: He’s like a…
Colin: I’m not a real person.
Kim: He’s just a… [makes small helpless noises]
Sequoia: He’s like a…
Kim: He’s a...
Colin: I don’t have my own podcast. [Kim snorts]
Sequoia: That’s true.
Colin: I don’t have Twitter.
Sequoia: You don’t have a Twitter at all.
Colin: I don’t have a Twitter.
Kim: Oh yeah, yeah, there’s a... usually, when the guest comes on, you have them plug their stuff...
Colin: No, I have nothing to plug.
Kim: Good.
Sequoia: [laughs] He’s just a strange extension of us. [Colin laughs]
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So… just roll with it.
Kim: I guess… I guess I could say… I’ve known Colin since junior high.
Colin: Mmm.
Kim: Um...
Sequoia: Yeah, and I’ve known Colin since college.
Colin: Yeah, we dated briefly.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Both of you… Yeah, there’s… there’s that. [Sequoia and Colin laugh]
Kim: Oh, maybe we don’t wanna bring that up.
Colin: Oh, we’re bringing it. The real talk.
Sequoia: This is your Valentine’s Day podcast brought to you by a married person, an engaged person, and meeee! [all laugh]
Colin: Oh yeah. [in a cutesy voice] Hi Megan, happy Valentine’s Day.
Kim: Oh, don’t be gross.
Sequoia: [disgusted] Ohhh. Ugh. [Kim laughs]
Colin: I gotta, I gotta.
Kim: Hi Megan.
Colin: Hi Megan.
Sequoia: Hiii Megan. Hi Ryan.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: No? We’re not hi-ing Ryan too?
Kim: No. Don’t say... don’t say hi to...
Colin: Does Ryan listen to the podcast?
Kim: No he does not.
Sequoia: [laughs] What a bad.
Kim: It’s for the best.
Sequoia: What a bad.
Kim: No, it’s for the best.
Sequoia: Ohh, you guys.
Kim: I am still embarrassed to have a Harry Potter fanfiction podcast. Let’s be real, guys.
Colin: Mmm.
Sequoia: I’m not.
Kim: [sighs] I know you’re not.
Colin: I have no stake in this, so, you know. [Kim and Sequoia laugh] But I am just… I am just embarrassed to be alive. Like, every second that I’m awake is just... [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Torment? [Sequoia laughs harder]
Colin: ...another second that I am ashamed.
Sequoia: People are, like, why are we listening to this podcast where these friends just talk some shit for a little while?
Colin: [chuckles] Yeah, where they just ramble on.
Sequoia: We are going to read some Harry Potter fanfiction.
Colin: No, I’m going to constantly derail it.
Sequoia: Who’s going first?
Kim: I don’t know. Oh, so, uh... since we didn’t actually release the Christmas episode, we decided that the format of these special episodes is going to be us... Sequoia and I are going to take turns reading a fanfiction that we found that has to do with the theme.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: So we’re both going to read today.
Colin: Sweet.
Sequoia: We are both going to read today, and... I mean, I’ll start.
Colin: And I’m going to enjoy it.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah, Colin’s gonna be here.
Colin: I’m gonna react.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: React to...
Colin: Give some hot takes.
Sequoia: [laughing] Give some hot takes.
Colin: Real hot. [Kim laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, and also do predictions.
Kim: Yeah!
Colin: Oh, for sure.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Do you… have you been keeping track so far?
Colin: I have not. I’m sure I have a zero though.
Kim: Oh, okay. [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: I wanted... I thought I had a better plot for The Kissing Booth, where...
Kim: Uh huh
Colin: ‘Cause I thought it was gonna be... it would be a school carnival and Hermione doesn’t want to do the kissing booth, but she has to because it’s raising funds for the library and they’re going to close the library unless she does it.
Kim: [laughs] I love that plot.
Sequoia: I love it. I want.... I need that story. [Kim and Colin laugh]. I need it.
Kim: So, somebody write that. I don’t know.
Sequoia: I don’t know.
Colin: [laughing] Yeah that’s free, I’m letting that out there. I’m putting it out... putting that goodness out into the world.
Kim: Uh huh, so she’s doing a kissing b... I think it would also be funny, you know, like, the... like, traditional... I don’t know. I feel like that is a trope where it pops up and then they have to, like, win the talent show.
Colin: Yeah, yeah. That’s a thing. It’s a high... a high school thing.
Sequoia: I looooove talent shows.
Colin: [whispers] yes.
Kim: And the talent show prize is...
Colin: How come there’s no talent show in the book? In the books?
Kim: Ummmm…
Colin: In the one book, in the one Harry Potter book.
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh God!
Colin: Harry Potter and the Fellowship of the Ring. Is the one that I’ve read.
Kim: Oh God. [Kim chuckles, Sequoia keeps laughing] That’s great. You know what, actually? There are so many fanfiction mashups, because those movies came out at the same time that the Harry Potter books were super popular.
Colin: Hmmmm.
Kim: And they’re all fucking insane.
Sequoia: They’re great.
Colin: Well, you know, my favorite are the Star Trek/Harry Potter mashups. [Kim laughs] I’ve got some real good ones.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: Maybe someday.
Sequoia: Yeah, we may have to do a crossover ep. [Kim and Colin laugh] But today we’re doing Valentine’s Day.
Kim: Do we wanna... since he’s a guest, do we wanna ask him our guest questions or do we not care?
Colin: What are your guest questions? You can cut it, I just want to know what they are. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Um, what’s your OTP?
Kim: No, what’s his house?
Colin: Oh my…
Sequoia: Start with your house. What’s your house?
Kim: Tell us what house you’re in.
Colin: [quietly] Gosh, that’s such a hard question, guys.
Sequoia: Oh my God. No it’s not. [Kim laughs]
Colin: Um, Slytherin. I’m a Slytherin.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Slytherin pride!
Colin: Yeah. Slytherin pride.
Kim: Fuckin’ Slytherin.
Colin: That’s what I got sorted in in Pottermore.
Kim: Oh really? The first one with the old quiz and everything?
Colin: [in a deep voice] The old Pottermore. The OG Pottermore.
Kim: [at the same time] The OG Pottermore?
Colin: Is the new one better?
Sequoia: The OG Pottermore put me in Ravenclaw, so...
Kim: Did it really?
Sequoia: It did.
Colin: I could see that.
Kim: I got sorted into Hufflepuff on the OG Pottermore.
Colin: Well that makes sense.
Kim: Dude. [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: I’m just alienating you guys. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]. I’m just... any.... any goodwill I had coming into this has gone now. [Sequoia still laughing]
Kim: Sequoia identifies as a... [mumbles] Slytherin.
Sequoia: I do. A fan canon Slytherin. Listen, we’ve already had this conversation...
Colin: What are the…? Mmm.
Kim: Yeah, yeah. So you don’t identify with, like, the racist parts of Slytherin.
Colin: No. I mean...
Sequoia: Right? You’re not an asshole?
Kim: Well, I wouldn’t say that, Sequoia.
Sequoia: I mean, I’m an asshole. [Kim cackles]
Colin: No, no, no. But the ambition and pride, and...
Kim: All right.
Colin: You know, the more I say that, the less it sounds like me. [Sequoia laughs] Um...
Sequoia: Changing hearts and minds over here on this podcast.
Kim: Uh oh.
Colin: Yeah, who am I? Hmm.
Sequoia: Okay, so you’re…
Kim: In Gryffindor?
Sequoia: ...a Slytherin, maybe. Possibly something else.
Kim: Fine.
Colin: Yeah.
Sequoia: Really not sure. That’s a really good answer to the question we asked you.
Colin: I know, it’s a great…
Kim: It’s good, it’s good.
Colin: Great answer.
Kim: Okay, so the next question we have is, who is your One True Pairing? What is the one ship that you love above all else?
Colin: Now, that’s a good question. And that is, of course... Gandalf and Dumbledore.
Kim: Oh my god! [Sequoia laughs raucously, Kim joins in]
Colin: Or maybe Captain Picard and... [Sequoia laughs] Who would Picard pair with? Maybe Dumble… no.
Sequoia: No. Sirius Black.
Colin: Oh, Sirius.
Kim: Oh my god, what is wrong with you guys?
Colin: Yes, that’s a good choice.
Sequoia: [laughing] Listen, I’m just spitting the truth over here, okay?
Colin: Worf and Hagrid. [Kim snorts, Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Riker/McGonagall.
Colin: Riker/them all.
Kim: Ahhhhh.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: Too easy. Uh, Data/...
Colin: Oh, that’s a good question. Luna.
Sequoia: Oh. Luna!
Kim: Luna? [laughs] [pause] Nice.
Sequoia: What is happening? Okay, so...
Kim: Weird devolving. Okay, so that’s...
Sequoia: This is the end of our Star Trek podcast.
Kim: That’s your one truuue…? pairing. And the third question we have is, you know, as a listener of the podcast that we... can’t stop talking about Draco.
Sequoia: Ever.
Colin: Love Draco.
Kim: Who is your Draco true pairing?
[pause] [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Colin: [whispers] That’s such a good question. [normal register] I think - I don’t know, I’m gonna be real basic and just say Drarry.
Kim: Drarry is...
Colin: I think it’s Draco and Harry.
Kim: It’s hard to say no to Drarry. I love it.
Colin: They have that hate-hate relationship.
Kim and Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: That real animal...
Kim: It’s good.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Colin: ...sexuality.
Kim: No?
Sequoia: Yeah. The hate... the hate that just turns into… sex?
Colin: Yeah, boneage.
Kim: Serious... just, meating out.
Sequoia: [laughs] Ughhh, yeah.
Colin: A tussle that turns into a… into an aggressive...
Sequoia: [laughing] And that’s the thing, is like, I can’t disagree with you.
Colin: I know.
Sequoia: Like, you’re saying it’s basic, but, like, it’s basic for a reason.
Colin: Uh huh. Because it’s the right answer.
Sequoia: Because it’s the one.
Kim: So, the next question we have is, like, what is your experience with, like, the Harry Potter fandom and fanfiction in particular?
Colin: That’s another good question. Thank you for these good questions.
Sequoia: Oh Jesus.
Kim: [mumbling under her breath] Oh my god.
Colin: No, I uh... you know, I used to be really dismissive of… of fanfiction, kind of a snob about it. And it really wasn’t until I started listening to this podcast that I read any.
Kim: Really?
Colin: Yeah, yeah, really.
Kim: We changed... we changed someone’s mind?
Sequoia: [insistent] Changing hearts and minds!
Colin: I think… yeah. Changing...
Kim: Oh my... [laughs]
Colin: You got at least one. Uh, yeah, so I’ve... since I’ve started listening to this podcast I’ve really come around on fanfiction, and I think that there’s a lot of really cool creativity out there. And as a writing exercise it’s a very interesting opportunity to work on… to be able to work within a framework, and an existing framework that does a lot of that nitty-gritty work for you.
Kim: Yeah.
Colin: Like characterization…
Kim: Definitely.
Colin: ...and, you know, world-building, and creating a coherent, self-consistent universe, so you can really focus on creating interesting plots and having these characters do interesting things.
Kim: Yeah, definitely.
Colin: Which is the most important part of writing. So I actually... yeah, I think it’s good. It’s good stuff.
Sequoia: Uhh… Let’s read fanfiction.
Kim: Cool.
Colin: Whoo!
Sequoia: Let’s do the…
Kim: Do the thing?
Sequoia: The thing we do.
Kim: All right, so you’re gonna start us off?
Sequoia: Yeah, I’ll go first, that’s cool.
Kim: Cool. I hope, since... I’m a little worried that since the selection was so small that we’ve read some of the same stuff.
Sequoia: You know what? Maybe we did, and that’s fine because Colin’s here.
Kim: Right.
Colin: Whoo!
Sequoia: Colin is here to…
Colin: Happy to be here, having a great time. [Sequoia and Kim laugh]
Sequoia: Jesus Christ.
Colin: Just along for the ride. [Sequoia still laughing]
Kim: Fine. Let’s go.
Sequoia: What a brownnoser. [Kim laughs]
Colin: Real happy to be... Well, I’m trying to get some of that goodwill back. [Sequoia and Kim laugh] I spent… I burned it all real early in the pod.
Kim: Oh, come on. I constantly just shit talk the whole time...
Colin: That’s true.
Kim: ...and the listeners have not been turned off yet, for some weird reason?
Sequoia: I don’t know, who knows?
Kim: Listeners, we love you.
Sequoia: Thank you.
Colin: Yeah you’re all…
Sequoia: You’re all…
Colin: Who are you? [Sequoia and Kim laugh] What kind of person listens to this?
Kim: You listen.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: I know, but I know you.
Kim: Ahh.
Colin: And I like listening to you, ‘cause I’ll be at work and it’s like I have friends! [Kim snorts, Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: It’s like you have friends.
Colin: Like I have friends there!
Kim: It’s as if.
Sequoia: It is similar...
Colin: It’s so close to having friends. [Kim laughs]
Sequoia: ...to having friends. That’s our new tagline for the podcast.
Colin: Yes.
Sequoia and Kim: Similar to having friends? [Sequoia and Colin laugh]
Sequoia: Okay. I need your predictions. This story is called Unusual Valentine’s Day, and the tags are spiritual...
Kim: No.
Colin: What?
Sequoia: ...slash romance. What’s up?
Kim: Oh no. I’m really...
Colin: Unusual Valentine’s Day.
Kim: ...hoping for ghost sex.
Colin: Yeah, this one’s going to be off the rails. All right, you go first and I’ll, I’ll bid one dollar above you.
Kim: Okay I’m sticking with my gut instinct. Ghost romance.
Sequoia: Okay.
Colin: Yeah.
Kim: The pairing is going to be… [whispers] Oh shit. [she and Colin laugh] I’m going Neville/Moaning Myrtle.
Sequoia: [gasps] Damn!
Colin: Good choice!
Kim: Just throwing it down, right now.
Colin: Yeah!
Kim: Ghost romance, Neville/Myrtle, aaaaaand… mmm… There will be candy exchanged in this story.
Sequoia: Okay.
Colin: These are some good predictions.
Kim: What? What? What? I’m bringing it today! [Sequoia laughs] No, I’m not. No, I’m not. This is not going to go well for me.
Colin: I also think there’s going to be ghost sex in this one.
Kim: Ghost sex!?
Sequoia: That was different, she said ghost romance!
Kim: That was different from what I said.
Colin: Ghost romance, ghost sex...
Kim: You gotta pick one. [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: One leads to the other.
Kim: Oh my...
Colin: Okay, there probably isn’t going to be ghost sex.
Kim: Okay.
Colin: But there will be ghost intimacy. [Kim snorts] And you know what, I’m gonna… I... um... predict that it will be intimacy between ghosts.
Kim: Ooh!
Sequoia: Ooh!
Colin: Yeah.
Kim: All right.
Colin: Yeah. So I’m thinking... I’m gonna go... I’m gonna aim for the fences with this one.
Kim: Good.
Colin: Um... I think the Grey Lady is going to be one of the romantic partners.
Kim: Good. Excellent.
Colin: The Ravenclaw ghost lady. Paired up but who? With whom? [pause] I wanna say Nearly Headless Nick, but he’s such a dweeb. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: You don’t have to pick the pairing!
Sequoia: You could just say...
Colin: Oh, but I want to.
Kim: Okay, all right, all right, all right!
Sequoia: Okay, okay.
Colin: You know what, I’m gonna go with Nearly Hea… Headless Nick. Those two ghosts.
Kim: Okay.
Colin: Are gonna be involved.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: That’s only two predictions.
Colin: Oh yeah. I get to make more… Um, I... and you know what? Also swinging for the fences, there... are... the main cast is not going to be in it.
Kim: Ooh, nice.
Sequoia: Oh! Yeah. No trio?
Kim: Hot damn!
Colin: Yeah, no trio.
Sequoia: Oh! Oh!
Kim: That’s a great one.
Sequoia: That’s a really good prediction.
Kim: That’s good, I like it.
Sequoia: How do we never...? Okay.
Colin: Mhm.
Kim: Yeah that’s a good one to have.
Sequoia: You know what? You both have done a wonderful job.
Colin: Ohh, thank you
Kim: Of predicting?
Sequoia: Of predicting.
Kim: Of predicting good stories?
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: That could…
Colin: Of pitching good stories.
Sequoia: Of creating a great story with the predictions.
Kim: Guess what, Colin?
Colin: Are we wrong?
Kim: We are a hundred percent wrong. Let’s go. [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: A swing and a miss.
Kim: You might have gotten one.
Sequoia: Unusual Valentine’s Day. The night was truly beautiful.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: There were no clouds to be found in the expansive stretch of the deep blue and black sky...
Kim: Fine.
Colin: I like that description.
Sequoia: Yeah. Only thousands of bright stars, all twinkling back at the earth. In the center, like a shepherd between his flock, was the moon. It was...
Kim: Huh. It’s kind of, it’s kinda... it’s getting kinda biblical. I’m...
Colin: It is getting a little biblical. [Kim sighs] Is the moon gonna be involved, romantically?
Sequoia: This is some romantic moon stuff.
Kim: You know, my girlfriend turned into the moon.
Colin: [laughs] Yeah, my girlfriend is the moon. [all laugh].
Kim: Or whatever.
Colin: References.
Sequoia: It was unusually big this night.
Kim: Is this why it’s unusual? Because the moon’s gonna come down to earth and make out with... Harry? [all laugh] Continue, I’m sorry.
Sequoia: Um, I don’t mean to… to spoil it, but no. That’s not what’s going to happen. [Kim and Colin laugh] A man sitting on a bench and looking at the night sky found he couldn't tear his gaze away from it. It was no wonder that he didn't notice another person approaching until they already stood before him.
Kim: Oh god they’re... in front of you! They’re gonna... [Sequoia laughs] Watch out!
Colin: They’re gonna stop you from fucking the moon! [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: Watch out!
Sequoia: Ahh, moon fuck watch.
Kim: Are we in Scotland? I just, I feel like the weather is... I feel like mid February in Scotland, it’s not going to be a nice night.
Sequoia: No. No, the night was not truly beautiful in, like, real life. [Kim and Colin laugh]
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: But in this fanfiction, Kim... [Kim keeps laughing]
Colin: Where there are wizards.
Kim: Look.
Sequoia: He tensed. "What are you doing here?" The woman smiled sweetly and sat next to him on the bench. "I thought you might want some company. You shouldn't be alone on a night like this."
Kim: Is that a threat? It sounds like a threat to me.
Colin: I don’t think that’s a threat. I think it’s a...
Sequoia: HOW does that sound like a threat to you?
Colin: It’s a threat of romance.
Kim: Yeah. A threat. [Sequoia and Kim laugh]
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah! [Kim laughs]
Colin: So do you interpret all human interaction…
Kim: Yes.
Colin: ...Kim, as… a threat?
Kim: Threatening?
Sequoia: I would like to remind the listeners that I’m the single one. [Kim and Sequoia laugh] What is happening? Okay. He sneered, looking away.
Kim: Oh no, sneering’s happening! It’s Draco.
Colin: No, it’s Snape, Snape sneers, Draco...
Kim: Draco sneers!
Colin: He sneers, you’re right.
Sequoia: He sneers, there’s a lot of sneering in the general Slytherin house, I think.
Colin: That’s true. [chuckles] Sneer house.
Kim: That’s why Sequoia’s such a good Slytherin?
Sequoia: Yeah. Resting sneer face. [Kim snorts] [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: Hm.
Sequoia: You just always look like that. We always look like that. [Kim and Colin laugh] Colin doesn’t always look like that, so he can’t actually be a Slytherin.
Kim: He doesn’t. He doesn’t, it’s true.
Colin: Yeah, the more I think about it...
Sequoia: Changing hearts and minds. [laughs]
Kim: Stupid.
Sequoia: Sorry.
Colin: One fanfiction at a time.
Sequoia: Am I sorry? [pause] "You thought wrong. I don't want company. Go back to sleep." When she didn't move, he looked back at her with irritation. “I'll call you if I change my mind though."
Kim: I’m really identifying with this character.
Sequoia: [chuckles] Yeah. Leave me alone. Don’t look at me.
Kim: Don’t touch me.
Sequoia: Don’t touch me.
Colin: Don’t so I can keep looking at the moon! [Kim and Sequoia laugh] That sexy moon! [more laughter] One day, moon… Imma fuck ya.
Sequoia: [through laughter] Oh my God.
Kim: [still laughing[ Good. It’s good.
Sequoia: “I'll call you if I change my mind though," he added sarcastically, gesturing for her to leave.
Kim: [very quietly] Get out my face, bitch.
Sequoia: She looked at him with hurt in her eyes, clearly offended. Or rather, her vanity was.
Kim: Hm.
Sequoia: Huh? Huh?
Colin: I’ll allow it.
Kim: Is this… Lucius/Narcissa?
Sequoia: You’re getting warmer.
Kim: Okay, all right. Continue.
Colin: I have no...
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: He didn't feel sorry for her. He didn't feel anything but distaste for anyone who would be foolish enough to think they meant anything more to him than just a tool to achieve his goals.
Colin: Is this Voldemort?
Kim: It’s Voldemort.
Colin: Is this Voldemort?
Sequoia: [singing] It’s Voldemort.
Kim: It’s Voldemort. Nice.
Colin: It’s Voldy?
Kim: Bam.
Colin: [whispers] Nice.
Kim: That IS Voldemort.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: That’s such a good... that’s...
Colin: Yeah that’s a really good characterization...
Kim: That’s a spot on characterization of Voldemort.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Good.
Colin: [in a quiet, strange voice]: What do you think Voldemort’s penis looks like? [Sequoia and Kim laugh]
Kim: Oh god!
Colin: I’m just thinking about his nose. Anyway.
Sequoia: Anyway.
Colin: You should probably cut that.
Sequoia: Listen. [laughs] Don’t tell me what to cut and what not to cut!
Colin: Sorry. Oh my god, I’m sorry!
Kim: That’s the... that means it’s staying in, buddy.
Sequoia: If you fall through the ceiling into our podcast, we get to do whatever we want.
Kim: With your thoughts about snake peni!
Sequoia: Yeah!
Colin: I didn’t say it was a snake!
Kim: I did. [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: Now… it’s in my head.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: "Why are you like this?" she asked in a whisper.
Kim: [snorts] I ask that a lot.
Sequoia: I know, people ask me that all the time.
Colin: Why are you… the way you are?
Sequoia: Why are you LIKE this?
Kim: Ugh. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: She asked in a whisper, looking directly in his eyes. He was just about to snap at her when her gaze met his. He stopped...
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: ...staring strangely at her eyes, as if hypnotised.
Kim: He’s got the snake eyes, wait! Oh, ‘cause he’s… ‘cause snakes get hypnotized? You know? Like charming a snake?
Colin: Ohhhh.
Sequoia: Ohhh, when there’s like snake charming. That’s definitely not where this is going.
Kim: Good.
Sequoia: But also... yeah!
Kim: Solid... I’m making solid connections today!
Sequoia: Solid connections.
Colin: Making some good connections.
Kim: Here we go! It’s all coming together!
Sequoia: [through laughter] Is it all coming together?
Kim: The moon, snake penis… all coming together. [Sequoia and Colin laugh] I don’t know into what, but something.
Sequoia: Something’s happening.
Kim: Something’s coming.
Sequoia and Kim: [disgusted] Ohhhh. [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: … and it’s Voldemort. [Sequoia keeps laughing]
Kim: Jesus. Uncomfortable. Let’s continue.
Sequoia: Something seemed to swirl... Oh my god, Colin’s dying.
Kim: Everything’s fine.
Colin: I’m just thinking... my mom is probably going to listen to this. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Nice.
Colin: Yeah. Shoutout to Colin’s mom!
Colin: Hi mom. I’m sorry. [laughs]
Sequoia: My whole family listens to this podcast. I just let it happen. Something seemed to swirl within her eyes, faintly glowing with a mystical light. A strange feeling overpowering him. It was as though his insides had turned one hundred eighty degrees and was now scattering around trying to compose itself again.
Kim: What? What? What’s happening?
Sequoia: He’s having feelings and he literally just does not get it.
Colin: His heart grew three sizes that day.
Kim: Ugh, and it flipped upside down.
Colin: Sure.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: I get it, I get it, Voldemort. Feelings are hard. [Kim and Colin laugh] The feeling was unknown to him and he hated it. [Kim laughs] He felt sick. It robbed him of reason and made him feel as though he was no longer in control of his own emotions.
Kim: [in a mocking tone] My emotions!
Sequoia: [whispering sinisterly] My emotions.
Kim: All right. [all laugh]
Sequoia: Ooh sorry.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: In short, it made him feel weak and helpless.
Kim: No. Voldemort would never feel that!
Sequoia: Not me!
Kim: Oh, he’s actually saying that. Fine.
Sequoia: No, he wasn’t just saying that.
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia: I was just doing that.
Kim: Fine!
Sequoia: Before he could respond in any way, she had moved closer and wrapped her arms around him.
Kim: No don’t touch it!
Sequoia: [laughing] Don’t… don’t touch it! He tensed at her touch and tried to shrug her off but he couldn't move. He felt like a puppet on a string and she was controlling it.
Colin: Love puppet.
Sequoia: Love puppet. [laughs]
Colin: [singing] Love puppet! [Sequoia and Kim laugh] [in a deep voice] That would be a good… that would be a good band name.
Sequoia: [through laughter] Yes, That goes on the soundboard, the [sings] love puppet is going on the soundboard.
Colin: Aw sweet!
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: ‘Kay great.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: "You shouldn't be alone all the time. Everyone needs a partner. Someone they would open up to." Her hand started brushing his back, every move sending electric shivers through his spine. He tried to gain composure but failed.
Kim: [sighs] I don’t like the direction this is going. Can I just...
Sequoia: No, you can’t!
Kim: ...put on a record?
Colin: I like it. I’m into it.
Sequoia: Okay, legitimately though, you don’t even know.
Kim: Niiiiice. [Colin and Sequoia laugh] I am…
Colin: We’re here for a ride.
Kim: I just... Like, on the record, I am against Voldemort/anyone.
Colin: What?
Kim: A hundred percent.
Colin: No, I wanna know.
Sequoia: He has… I mean, you say that, but last week...
Kim: I did do that, yeah that’s true. [laughs] But that’s because it was funny!
Sequoia: Why do I keep saying last week? Jesus.
Kim: Every time. Yeah, you do that every time. I don’t know, dude.
Sequoia: Every time. I’m so bad at podcasting. Okay.
Kim: Just say last time!
Sequoia: Last time.
Colin: [in a deep announcer’s voice] Previously on…
Sequoia: [mumbling] Previously on.
Kim: This pile of garbage.
Sequoia: At least when he tried to speak, his voice didn't betray him like everything else.
Kim: Uhhh…
Colin: What?
Kim: What does that mean?
Colin: What else has betrayed him? This time.
Kim: What? Is...
Sequoia: Uhhhh..
Kim: Does he mean… mmmm?
[Kim and Sequoia make questioning noises]
Kim: I do not understand what that means.
Colin: Yeah.
Sequoia: He’s trying to shrug her off, and he’s trying not to look into her eyes that are swirling...
Kim: Oh, the rest of his body is currently betraying him.
Colin: Oh, his body language is betraying him.
Kim: I thought he meant like, that everything in his life had betrayed him. All those...
Colin: Yeah, that’s what I was picturing.
Kim: I was like, who has betrayed Voldemort?
Sequoia: A lot of people.
Colin: But it’s just his trouser tent that’s betraying him. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: "I like being alone," he whispered coldly, "I definitely don't need or want a partner. I don't want to share my mind, feelings or knowledge with anyone else."
Kim: This is real Valentine’s-y.
Colin: Hey, that is a shutdown.
Sequoia: Right? It’s... I’m sorry. This is not how you express your love? [Colin laughs]
Kim: I meannnnnnnnnnn.
Sequoia: Uh, yes.
Kim: This is the Valentine I would write to you, Sequoia.
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh-oh-oh! Why do you hate me?
Colin: Listen, I don’t want to look at you, I don’t want you to touch me… [Kim laughs]
Sequoia: Friendship.
Kim: Whatever.
Sequoia: He paused, feeling her arms tightening around him. He knew that if he doesn't do something soon, he would be defeated by this annoying emotion he always despised, and tried to avoid it as best he could.
Kim: Is it… penis feelings?
Colin: I think it’s…
Kim: It’s penis feelings, right?
Colin: It’s penis feelings, yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Colin: A tingly...
Sequoia: Oh my God. "Besides, Bella…”
Kim: [groans]
Colin: Obvi. Obvi.
Sequoia: Yeah, obvi. Obvi, obvi.
Kim: I knew it was obvious, and I hate it.
Colin: Yeah.
Kim: I hate it.
Sequoia: I know but...
Colin: But it’s canon.
Sequoia: I want you to hold for the text, please?
Kim: [sighs] No!
Sequoia: Please, you don’t understand.
Kim: [sighs violently]
Colin: Bring it.
Sequoia: "Besides, Bella, you already have someone. Your husband is in jail, but that is no excuse to start attacking others.”
Kim: When is... when is…?
Sequoia: “Especially me of all the people, with your emotional outbursts.
Kim: Ba-ba-ba-ba-bap. [singing] When is this set?
Sequoia: I don’t know. I don’t know when this is set. It was written in 2006.
Kim: There was no period that I can think of when Bella was not in jail and her husband was... [trails off]
Sequoia: Her husband was in jail and she was not in jail.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That didn’t... that doesn’t happen.
Sequoia: I know.
Colin: She’s on furlough.
Sequoia: That doesn’t...
Kim: Oh, okay. And Voldemort’s alive?
Sequoia: And Voldemort’s alive.
Kim: It’s a... yeah.
Colin: [in a creepy voice] It’s spiritual.
Sequoia: Oh, he’s alive. [Sequoia and Colin laugh]
Kim: [sighs heavily] Gross.
Sequoia: She acted as if she hadn't heard his last remark and snuggled up even closer, if that was possible. He felt himself fall deeper into the black depth of her eyes…
Kim: Oh, Jeez. Hard pass.
Colin: Ugh.
Sequoia: ...feeling confused and agitated as he lost himself to the mesmerizing swirling.
Kim: What is happening?
Sequoia: It was as though he was falling through a tunnel.
Kim: Huh?
Colin: What IS happening?
Sequoia: He felt his voice faltering and butterflies fluttering inside his stomach.
Kim: No! No!
Sequoia: Aw, butterflies!
Colin: Burst from his mouth.
Sequoia: See, it’s cute now! Isn’t it cute now ‘cause now there are butterflies it’s cute now.
Kim: What? Is happening?
Colin: Keep going, keep going! [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: The invisible wall he had always put between himself and others started falling apart. He didn't recognise himself any more. It was just too easy. It took him years to master his emotional side and now she needed only a couple of minutes to destroy his years’ long work?
Colin: [chanting] Nothing on the outside, nothing on the inside.
Sequoia and Colin: [chanting in an undertone] Nothing on the outside… [both laugh]
Kim: [singing] I don’t understand!
Sequoia: As though they heard him, the stars started twinkling in an odd way, almost as if they were laughing…
Colin: Are they [inaudible due to simultaneous speech with both Kim and Sequoia]?
Sequoia: ...mocking him!
Kim: What... what is happening?
Sequoia: Okay, what’s happening is that her eyes are a tunnel.
Colin: They’re swirling.
Sequoia: A swirling tunnel.
Kim: And he’s hallucinating…
Sequoia: And the stars are laughing at him.
Colin: He is tripping balls.
Sequoia: He is losing his goddamn mind.
Kim: Is that why he’s having so many feelings?
Colin: And Bellatrix is like, do you want to try these ‘shrooms? [Kim laughs]
Kim: Wizard acid.
Colin: Wizard acid. Or just acid as it is known.
Kim: It is known.
Colin: It is known.
Sequoia: He wanted to stand up but somehow his body didn't obey. It was as though somebody else had taken control of his body and he was just...
Kim: He’s a puppet! We already said that.
Colin: Love puppet.
Sequoia: He’s a love puppet!
Colin: Yes.
Sequoia: As if in slow motion, he saw Bellatrix leaning towards him, her lips inches from his.
Kim: Don’t do it. Don’t do it. I’m vomiting.
Sequoia: A short pang went through his heart as her lips touched his…
Colin: Yes.
Sequoia: ...and he shivered as they kissed. [Kim makes gagging noises]
Colin: His cold beak.
Sequoia: His cold beak? [laughs]
Kim: [laughing] His snake beak. Snake mouth.
Colin: He’s got no lips, he’s got that... [makes dry lip smacking noise] He’s just kinda gotta... [makes same noise]
Kim: Nope. No mouth noises. [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: I’m just trying to describe... ‘cause he doesn’t have lips! [Sequoia laughs] He’s just got a...
Kim: Snakey…
Colin: Face... hole.
Sequoia: He’s got a… Face hole. Really though. There was something swelling up inside his chest like a big balloon and...
Kim: Swelling up inside somewhere.
Sequoia: Whoa!
Colin: Ay-oh.
Kim: Am I right? Dumb.
Sequoia: He felt sort of...mellow…
Kim: What?
Sequoia: I don’t know.
Colin: Yeah, it’s because he’s coming down.
Kim: Oh.
Colin: He peaked. [Sequoia giggles]
Kim: Oh. Did he... did he... did he [Sequoia still giggling] you know, the... in the pantaloons, and then the...
Sequoia: [simultaneously] No! So the… so the… so we’re continuing to read the story now. [Kim and Colin laugh] After a couple of seconds, which seemed like a couple of hours to him, they parted and Bella smiled sweetly at him. She smoothed his collar, when he felt a soft pain in his chest. He looked down and noticed a wand pointing directly at his heart.
Kim: [gasps] Oh no! [Colin gasps] Nice.
Sequoia: "Bellatrix, what are you… Dumbledore?"
Kim: Ahh-ha!
Colin: Ohhh...
Kim and Colin: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Nice. Dumbledoooooore!
Colin: Whaa? Yes. Yes.
Sequoia: I told you to hold for the text, man! [Kim laughs] Bellatrix faded away into nothingness as he looked up. Instead he found himself face to face with the smiling old wizard who stood at his side, radiating with a pure light. [Kim and Colin laugh]
Kim: Oh my god.
Sequoia: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Colin: So Dumbledore drugs Voldemort...
Kim: Uh huh.
Colin: ...and pretends to be his girlfriend...
Kim: Uh huh.
Colin: So he can make out with him? [Sequoia laughing] Just to have a little smoochy. A little smooch smooch.
Kim: I am... so into that. [Sequoia still laughing]
Colin: Yeah this is… real good.
Kim: It’s good.
Sequoia: Valentine’s Day.
Kim: I had a feeling that that was the direction it was going in, but I thought it was going to be Harry.
Colin: What? How c... Oh, Harry. Yeah. [laughs]
Sequoia: I wouldn’t do that.
Kim: Or Hermione.
Sequoia: Back to back. [humming] Do-do-do-do-do. Frantically, he started searching for his wand, but couldn't find it in his robes.
Kim: ‘Cause of his pants tent was distracting, and then the... Oh, God.
Sequoia: That’s how you steal a wizard’s wand. Is you make out with them.
Colin: I don’t know...
Sequoia: You make out with them, and then while you’re making out you steal their wand.
Kim: You just kind of slip it out of the pocket.
Colin: [sings] Di-do.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Colin: When you wear those robes, it’d be easy to pickpocket... kind of feel it…
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Wizard pickpocketing. "Looking for something, Tom?" Dumbledore waved Voldemort's wand whilst his own still pointed at the Dark Lord's chest. Tom looked stunned.
Colin: So he’s Tom now.
Sequoia: We’re calling him Tom now.
Kim: Calling him Tom now.
Colin: On a first name basis.
Sequoia: Well, I don’t know. I guess when you make out with him, do you then get to start calling him Tom?
Colin: Yeah, no, you’re right. Yeah.
Kim: Yeah, I think you’re familiar enough to...
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: He just had to get in close enough to…
Sequoia: To steal his wand.
Kim: I don’t know why the kissing was necessary, but, you know, continue.
Colin: Okay look, I choose to believe the kiss was an illusion.
Sequoia: You’ll see. Hold for the text please.
Colin: Okay, sorry.
Kim: No thank you.
Colin: [laughing] I choose not to.
Sequoia: "Dumbledore! But you were killed...!"
Kim: [startled] Oh!
Sequoia: 2006.
Kim: 2006. I mean, you never know with fanfiction.
Sequoia: Uh, yeah, that’s true.
Colin: Mmm.
Kim: People can be alive for literally no reason.
Colin: Mmm.
Sequoia: The great wizard shook his head sadly. "There are many things you could never understand, even though you were one of the brightest students Hogwarts ever had. Talent is a terrible thing, if used in the wrong way. You could never...
Colin: I...
Sequoia: This is legit. This is legit.
Kim: Fine. This is fine.
Colin: I’m buying it. I’m buying it.
Sequoia: “You could never accept the fact that death is far from being the end. For me it was more of a blessing.”
Colin: If you strike me down, I’ll become more powerful than you could possibly imagine! [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: We gotta Force ghost! Force ghost! Wait a second.
Sequoia: The crossovers are insane in this episode, you guys.
Kim: We can’t stop.
Colin: Yeah, it’s too many references. [sings] Too many references.
Kim: Nope.
Sequoia: This is the pop culture podcast. “You did me a favor of sorts, really," Dumbledore chuckled. "I am much more agile now."
Colin: I guess he doesn’t have a body.
Kim: He’s more powerful than you could possibly…
Colin: Yeah.
Kim: Continue.
Sequoia: Voldemort couldn't hide his surprise as the old wizard started whirling around and doing things that even he, in his best years, couldn't. [Colin laughs]
Kim: He did like, three back flips.
Colin: [chuckling] Look at me dance, Tom.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah he’s... yeah. Three back flips.
Colin: I can touch my toes again!
Sequoia: "And I’m much stronger too." It seemed as though Dumbledore completely forgot why he was there and just kept jumping around like a four year old until Voldemort cleared his throat. [clears throat] "Bellatrix...?" Voldemort didn't get to finish the question. Narrowing his eyes in deep suspicion and mistrust, he wore an expression of revulsion. "This was all your doing, wasn't it?"
Kim: He’s just putting the pieces together. He’s like...
Sequoia: Wait a second.
Kim: Wait, where did Bellatrix go? Oh God.
Sequoia: [mockingly] Where did Bellatrix go? Where did Dumbledore... what are you doin’ here?
Colin: He just now got it.
Kim: Yeah I think he’s just putting it together. It’s good.
Sequoia: Dumbledore stopped as suddenly as he began and sat on the bench. "My dear Tom, I must ask you this. How did you feel tonight?" [sings (I just) Died in Your Arms by Cutting Crew] I just died in your arms tonight. [she and Colin laugh]
Kim: ...feels...
Colin: Wait, wait, wait, so is this the same afterlife that Harry visits, with the bench?
Kim: N… no.
Colin: I remember there being a bench.
Kim: I think Voldemort’s alive.
Colin: Oh. Yeah. Oh. Okay.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: That makes more sense.
Kim: Dumbledore’s just an apparition.
Colin: Okay. Force ghost.
Sequoia: It’s very spiritual.
Colin: Spiritual, right.
Kim: Apparition.
Colin: He’s blue.
Sequoia: Voldemort glared at him. Oh, he’s back to Voldemort. We’re not calling him Tom any more. [Kim and Colin laugh] He’s pissed now, so we gotta call him Voldemort again.
Kim: Fine. Good.
Sequoia: "That is none of your business, old man."
Kim: It’s pretty obvious how you were feeling, dude. Come on.
Sequoia: Yeah. We all saw it.
Colin: We all saw it.
Kim: We could all see it. The robes hide nothing.
Sequoia: "Oh, on the contrary, it is very much my business." The wizard smiled in amusement. "You see, Tom, I know how you felt. I saw the look in your eyes. You were confronted with the unknown. All these years you denied the existence of anything more powerful than the Dark Arts, you scorned at me when I told you that there were powers greater than anything you’ve seen so far.”
Colin: I like where this is going.
Kim: [sings I Want to Know What Love Is by Foreigner] I wanna know what love is! [all laugh]
Colin: Yeah, Dumbledore’s teaching him to love. First hand. With his face. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: This is awesome. What is this?
Sequoia: What is this? It’s Valentine’s Day. [laughs]
Kim: Good.
Sequoia: “Now you were faced with the power of love and even though I saw the way you tried to resist it, you were helpless against it at the end. I could have killed you, you were powerless. But as I said many times before, death is not a proper punishment.”
Kim: I don’t think he said that.
Sequoia: I don’t think he’s ever said that.
Kim: That’s not what he said.
Sequoia: “It is far more valuable to teach you a lesson. All your anger, resentment, and hate towards other human beings were nothing against this little display of caring. Of love. As hard as you try to deny it…”
Colin: I’m still buying it.
Kim: Really?
Sequoia: “You will never win.”
Colin: Yeah. I’m still into it.
Sequoia: Still into it? [laughs]
Kim: Fine.
Colin: Yeah. He’s teaching him how to love.
Kim: No, this is weird.
Sequoia: All I wanna do is sing I Want to Know What Love Is now. I can’t.
Kim: Whoo.
Sequoia: “At the end Tom, the power of light will prevail, and not because I say so, but because people will realize that darkness offers nothing but pain and despair and they will turn towards the light."
Colin: This is very Star Wars.
Kim: It is, yeah.
Sequoia: I know, it’s really Forcey right now. For a few moments they sat in silence. Voldemort's head was spinning and he couldn't bring himself to say anything to the old wizard he hated so much.
Kim: He’s just, like, what even is happening? I agree, Tom.
Sequoia: [chuckles] Yeah. My head’s spinning too. [Colin laughs] Suddenly Dumbledore stood up, pointing his wand towards the sky.
Colin: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: "Don't worry Tom, none of this is real and Miss Lestrange is safe in her bed.”
Kim: [makes electric time machine noises]
Colin: And it was all a dream.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: And Harry woke up in the cupboard under the stairs. It was all a dream.
Kim: Oh nooo!
Colin: Oh.
Kim: Great. Great. [Sequoia and Colin laugh]
Sequoia: “I just wanted to teach you a lesson, which I never could when you were a student.”
Kim: [uncomfortably] Oh no. [pause] What?
Sequoia: Oh, no what?
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Oh, no.
Kim: What?
Colin: Let me teach you a lesson that wasn’t legal while you were my student.
Kim: Ewwwwwww. Ouch.
Sequoia: “Oh, and Tom? Happy Valentine's Day." [Kim groans, Colin giggles] With a chuckle Dumbledore slowly disappeared out of sight and the whole world swam in front of Voldemort.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: The Dark Lord jumped to his feet only to realize he had fallen asleep in his chair.
Colin: Mm.
Kim: Mm.
Sequoia: He remembered the dream. No, a nightmare, he thought. Had it really been Dumbledore or was it just his subconscious mind working against him? It had all
seemed so real, so vivid. But then again, he’d played the same mind trick on Potter once and the fool fell for it.
Colin: Wait, wait what? Back up to that.
Sequoia: Where he like, makes Harry dream shit.
Colin: Where he made out with Harry? Oh. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: No, he makes Harry dream shit.
Colin: Oh, okay yeah, that’s true.
Kim: I guess I can... yeah, that’s fine.
Sequoia: He was sure now that Dumbledore wanted to play the same trick on him, though it was beyond him how the old muggle-lover could appear in his dreams.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: Yeah. It doesn't really matter, what matters is that Dumbledore wanted to make him soft; he wanted to make it easier for others to defeat him.
Colin: Or… or did he?
Kim: Yeah, I don’t think he wanted to make him soft, if you know what we’re saying, Sequoia. [Sequoia moans in despair]
Colin: If you… catch the drift.
Kim: Sequoia. Look at us. Sequoia, look at me. [Sequoia keeps wailing]
Colin: We’re drifting towards you. Look at our faces.
Sequoia: No! [all laugh]
Kim: Or whatever.
Colin: Whomever.
Sequoia: Whichever. Love, he sneered, love makes you weak and that is what defeated him. He would never fall in love like in the dream; he would not become a weak and sappy...
Colin: It’s like Voldemort had a gay dream, and he’s like, [mockingly] oh, am I gay now? Does this make me gay?
Sequoia: Yeah, no homo.
Colin: No homo.
Sequoia: He would not become weak and sappy as others who believed in love. No one would be able to defeat him. He would show them that there is no power as strong as the power of the dark side. [Kim splutters]
Colin: Okay, is this... is this a Star Wars crossover?
Kim: Come on. Come on.
Sequoia: Happy Valentine's, you old fool. [Kim and Colin laugh] The end!
Colin: Ohh. I liked that. That went...
Kim: Nice. That was good.
Sequoia: I got that for you.
Kim: That was good. That went in some very surprising directions.
Colin: Yeah, that went in some...
Kim: Uhh.
Sequoia: It did.
Kim: How are we scoring it?
Colin: What do you mean? We get...
Sequoia: Okay, so…
Kim: So you... Colin, when you said no main characters, would you include Voldemort in that? As the main villain?
Colin: I... I was just thinking about our...
Kim: The trio? Just the trio?
Colin: Yeah. Our heroes.
Kim: I would give Colin two points.
Colin: What?
Sequoia: Two? Wait...
Colin: Two? That went nowhere...
Kim: Ghost intimacy. Ghost intimacy.
Sequoia: Okay but that was a dream. It was a dream. It was not a ghost.
Colin: But that was not... yeah, I don’t know.
Kim: Uh, it might have been a ghost! Why would they say spiritual if it wasn’t a ghost?
Colin: I think I got zero points.
Sequoia: He’s not... he’s dead. I mean, Dumbledore’s dead.
Kim: Yeah, so he’s a ghost.
Sequoia: But he’s in the dream.
Kim: He’s a ghost...
Sequoia: So he’s non...
Kim: Ghost.
Sequoia: He’s not...
Kim: He was a ghost in the dream!
Colin: Ohh, he was a ghost IN the dream. And a ghost in real life ‘cause he’s dead.
Sequoia: Oh, my god.
Kim: I would give Colin two points.
Colin: No.
Sequoia: Holy shit, are we about to give out points? We haven’t given out points in a hot second!
Kim: Yeah, I know, because we’ve been doing so horribly.
Sequoia: Because we’re so shitty at it.
Kim: Yeah, we’re bad at this game.
Sequoia: Um, damn!
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Two points for Colin.
Sequoia: Two points.
Colin: I think you’re being very generous, but thank you very much. Thank you very much.
Kim: I think it makes sense.
Colin: All right. I like it.
Kim: Mine, on the other hand, was incorrect.
Sequoia: You...
Kim: I specified romance, Colin specified intimacy.
Sequoia: You did.
Colin: I did specify intimacy.
Kim: It was very intimate.
Colin: It was intimate.
Kim: Gross.
Colin: After a fashion.
Sequoia: Um, yeah, I found that. I found that for you.
Kim: That was fun.
Colin: That was good.
Kim: That was weird.
Colin: That was way weird!
Kim: I feel really weird about that.
Sequoia: You know, and that was the thing is like, I went through several stories of like...
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: ...I hate Valentine’s.
Kim: Oh, yeah.
Sequoia: A character being, like, I hate Valentine’s Day and by the end they’ve received a Valentine from the person they like and now they like Valentine’s Day again.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And I was just like, some of these are funny, but I don’t… I don’t... none of them are insane. [Kim snorts, Colin laughs]
Colin: Quite.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: And then I found this, and I was like, [makes surprised sound] what?
Kim: What? Nice. Nice nice nice.
Colin: This one definitely meets the bar for insane.
Sequoia: And it definitely is, like, I’m not sure what the point was in the end, because in the end Voldemort was just like, yeah, no, I’m never going to fall in love. Love is stupid, the dark side wins.
Colin: [chuckles] The dark side.
Sequoia: Come on the dark side.
Kim: It was a... just a… just a weird little side adventure.
Colin: It was a little interlude.
Sequoia: Yeah. There you go.
Kim: Yep. All right.
Sequoia: It was kind of a little anti-love. So happy Valentine’s Day!
Colin: Happy Valentine’s.
Kim: Exactly what I’d expect from you.
Sequoia: I’m the single one. [Kim laughs] Yet again, here we are.
Kim: Anyway.
Colin: Ooh.
Kim: So now it’s my turn, I’ve got a story for you. I actually had like, three stories that I was like, I could do this, or this, or this, or this, but I decided to go with this one because it’s the most insane of the stuff that I found.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: So.
Sequoia: I’m excited.
Colin: What what?
Kim: That’s what I’ve got. Um.
Sequoia: What’s it called?
Kim: Let’s do some predictions. Listeners, you too. Ready? It is called Ron and the Valentine’s Day Nightmare!!! Exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point.
Sequoia: [whispering] Yes yes yes, yes! Yes, yes!
Colin: Okay, I want to go first.
Kim: The genre is...
Colin: Because I’ve got a...
Kim: The genre is...
Colin: Nope, I don’t need to know it, I already know what it is.
Sequoia: [laughs] No I want to know what it...
Colin: I already know what it is.
Kim: The genre is humor and romance.
Sequoia: Of course it is.
Colin: Yes. Ron has two dates. No. [Kim snorts and laughs] Three dates at the same time. And then it’s all at the same restaurant so he has to keep running back and forth. He has to be like, oh, I have to go to the bathroom! And then he goes on a date with Hermione, and then he’s like, oh, I’m sorry, my… my… my phone’s ringing, I... you know.... I gotta call my mom! [Kim and Sequoia laughing] And then he runs, and then he goes back to the other date. So that... that’s what’s going to happen.
Kim: So Ron is on three dates, one of them is with Hermione.
Colin: Yes, Hermione...
Kim: And you got...
Colin: ...what’s that other bitch’s name?
Kim: Give me one more prediction.
Sequoia: Lavender Brown?
Colin: Yeah, Lavender Brown.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: Okay. Okay.
Kim: Are you gonna go… Is that what you’re going to go with? You won’t make any other predictions?
Colin: No, that’s what I’m going with.
Kim: All right, those are good.
Colin: I’m doubling down on that.
Kim: Those are great. [laughs]
Sequoia: Ron is trying to figure out what to get someone for Valentine’s Day.
Kim: That is like, most of the stories.
Sequoia: Right? I’m just playing to the... to the, like, most... what normal... except you said that it was insane.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: So.
Kim: So.
Sequoia: Ron... the love interest for Ron in this story is Draco Malfoy.
Kim: Beautiful. I love Dron. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: Oh, yeah.
Kim: Makes no fuckin’ sense and [singing] I love it!
Sequoia: Um, at least one scene takes place in Hogsmeade.
Kim: Good. Those are good.
Colin: [pause] No. No.
Sequoia: No, it’s gonna be what you said?
Colin: No, it’s what I said. [Kim and Sequoia laugh] It’s the… it’s the sitcom plot.
Kim: Ron woke suddenly, dripping with sweat and screaming bloody murder... [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: Ahhhhhhhh!
Sequoia: That’s my favorite.
Kim: ...waking Harry as well. "AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Sequoia: He had a Valentine’s Day nightmare!
Kim: Yup.
Colin: Oh no, I planned three dates on the same day at the same restaurant with three different girls!
Sequoia: I just realized it in the dream I just had!
Kim: Harry leapt out of bed and rushed over to his side. "What the bloody hell is the matter with you Ron?! I was having this great dream, with me and Cho Chang, and we were on the floor in front of the fireplace and... mrghf!"
Colin: Ah, Harry! TMI Harry. [Sequoia and Kim laugh]
Kim: You can tell the time period by anyone slashing Harry with Cho.
Colin: Ah, Cho.
Kim: Ever.
Sequoia: Oh. Yeah.
Sequoia and Kim: Poor Cho.
Colin: [laughs] Poor Cho.
Kim: Before Harry could tell him the juicy details, Ron had ripped off his heart covered boxers and stuffed them in Harry's mouth.
Sequoia: Oh! My! God!
Kim: Disgusting.
Sequoia: So he’s now naked.
Kim: He is nude.
Sequoia: And Harry... and his underwear is in Harry’s mouth.
Kim: Correct.
Colin: [whispering] That’s gross. What is happening?
Sequoia: Who does that?
Kim: You know, it was the only thing...
Sequoia: How does one respond?
Kim: It was the only thing he had at hand.
Sequoia: There is nothing else around him.
Kim: There is nothing else he could do to stop Harry from telling him about his disgusting dream. [pause] Because he has to tell Harry about...
Kim and Sequoia: His disgusting dream!
Sequoia: ‘Kay.
Kim: "I don't want to hear about you and Cho having hot, sweaty monkey sex!” [Sequoia and Colin laugh]
Colin: Yes, that’s what… that’s what everybody wants to hear from their Valentine’s Day episode.
Sequoia: That’s what I’m here for.
Kim: Yeah, yeah, I know like, they’re all in. Anyway. “I had the worst dream ever! I dreamed I was being chased by Snape, only he wasn't really Snape, he was… oh gods, it was awful! He kept trying to catch me so he could do who knows what with me!"
Sequoia: What the FUCK is going on?
Kim: Ron had a dream.
Sequoia: He had a dream.
Colin: I really like your Ron voice.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: It’s so good. [laughter] Okay, I need to hear more about the dream.
Kim: Ron had... Ron had a dream!
Sequoia: ‘Cause this doesn’t make any sense.
Kim: [makes exaggerated muffled sound] said Harry, eyes wide.
Sequoia: [laughs] Doesn’t Harry have hands? I feel like the first thing I would do...
Colin: Yeah, take the boxers out of your mouth.
Sequoia: ...when somebody stuffed their boxers in my mouth would be to, like, take them out and be like, what the fuck, bro? [Kim laughs]
Colin: Yeah like, number one, why did you do that? Number two, disgusting! [laughs]
Kim: Yeah, you know what? Friends… friends... uh, Harry’s into it. [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: Ahh.
Sequoia: Yup.
Kim: Harry’s into it. Ron shuddered, then said, "C'mon, we’re gonna go down to the common room. I'm not sleeping up here any more, too many bad dreams. I swear, my bed’s cursed!"
Sequoia: Is his bed cursed? I really hope his bed is actually cursed. [Kim laughs quietly]
Colin: His bed is cursed. Get a dreamcatcher, man.
Sequoia: Yeah! Get a sweet dreamcatcher!
Colin: Do you think they work for wizards?
Kim: They actually might. So the two boys headed downstairs. As soon as Ron had walked through the door, he screamed once more.
Colin: [strained] Uh!
Sequoia: What’s happening?
Colin: What is he screaming?
Kim: He’s having a hard day!
Colin: Yeah, apparently.
Sequoia: He’s scr... when they walk through the door into the common room he screamed?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: What’s happening in there?
Colin: Are they dressed?
Kim: The... oh no, yeah... [laughs]
Sequoia: Wait, he didn’t.... [dissolves into laughter]
Kim: That’s actually my favorite part of this story. Ron does not get dressed. [Sequoia and Colin laugh]
Sequoia: Okay, everyone, listeners, we’re now imagining for the rest of this story that Ron is not wearing any clothes. [Colin laughs]
Kim: Ron is nude. It’s important to the story.
Sequoia: [chuckles] Great.
Colin: [chuckling] Okay.
Kim: The common room was covered in red roses. The walls, the couches, the chairs, everything was swamped in roses! And right in the middle of it all was Hermione and Viktor Krum, makin’ out, passionately.
Colin: Whaaaat. [makes wet make out sounds]
Sequoia: Oh! Oh! Uh uh. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What have we got so far in the story? We got Harry/Cho, and Hermione/Viktor.
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: [singing] What uuup? Early 2000s? [Sequoia and Colin laugh] Very early 2000s.
Sequoia: Ugh, no. Gross.
Colin: I’m into it.
Sequoia: Oh my God.
Colin: I’m into this.
Kim: You’re into Hermione/Krum?
Sequoia: Please don’t with me right now.
Colin: Mhmm.
Kim: [laughing] Whew. Hermione spotted them, and without removing her arms from around Viktor's neck, she said, "Oh, it's you two! Look what my darling Vicky has brought me for Valentine's Day!”
Colin: Okay, not into it any more. Not into it.
Sequoia: Shut the fuck up. [Kim laughs] My darling Vicky? Blegh. Egh.
Kim: Awful. “Aren't they gorgeous?" Ron opened his mouth to scream once more. [Sequoia and Kim laugh] He can’t handle…
Sequoia: He can’t...
Colin: Does he? Does he?
Sequoia: All he can do is scream, he has no other function. [Kim laughs]
Kim: Just naked and screaming.
Sequoia: [through laughter] Naked and s…
Colin: Zero straight to ten.
Kim: But was interrupted by Viktor. Pulling Hermione up even closer to him, he declared... [whispers] Oh, crap.
Sequoia: What’s your Viktor Krum voice?
Kim: I can… I can do... I can do Viktor, right?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: [in an indistinct Scandinavian accent] "They are not as lovely as you.” [Sequoia laughs] I said I wasn’t going to do accents, but I can’t help it.
Sequoia: [howling with laughter] But you have to do it!
Colin: [laughing] Keep going, this is very Soviet.
Kim: “My dearest Herm-own-ninny! You are the most... you are more beautiful than any flower could be!" [Sequoia laughs harder]
Colin: [imitating her accent] Comrade, red roses, symbol of socialism! [Sequoia keeps laughing]
Kim: I apologize to everyone.
Sequoia: Oh, man! [sniffs] Whew.
Kim: Hermione giggled and blushed, making Ron throw up in disgust.
Colin: Did he literally throw up?
Sequoia: Ron is screaming, naked, vomiting in the common room. [Kim laughs]
Colin: Someone take care of him! Someone get him to a doctor!
Sequoia: [laughing] Does anybody care about Ron? [all laughing]
Colin: Ron is ill!
Kim: [laughing] No one cares about Ron. [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: Get it… get it... get it together Ron, geez. [all still laughing]
Kim: Viktor went on. "These alone could not be enough! [Sequoia dying of laughter]
Colin: [laughing] Your accent!
Sequoia: [laughing] It’s so good, I’m so… continue, you gotta get through it! I gotta... you gotta go, so I can’t... gonna cry.
Kim: I vill now declare my undying luff to you!" [Sequoia guffaws loudly]
Colin: [muffled crying] Keep going, keep going, you gotta keep going.
Sequoia: Ah, the roses are not enough!
Kim: Yeah, it’s not enough.
Sequoia: I gotta declare...
Kim: [laughing] And now they’re covered in vomit. [Colin laughs] He proceeded to kneel down one one knee, and pull out a diamond engagement ring.
Sequoia: Awgh.
Colin: What. They’re like, fifteen.
Sequoia: Ummmm. Thirteen.
Colin: Fourteen?
Kim: "Herm-own-ninny, my luff, vill you marry me?" [Colin and Sequoia laugh] Yeah, what’s up, Sequoia?
Colin: [laughing] I can’t handle it. I can’t handle it. I... [Sequoia keeps howling with laughter]
Kim: What was that cartoon, with the... Boris and Natasha?
Sequoia: Rocky and Bullwinkle?
Colin: Oh, yeah. [pompously] Moose and Squirrel.
Kim: That’s it, I think.
Sequoia: Moose and Squirrel.
Kim: Hermione swooned, almost hitting the floor and getting a concussion. [Colin snorts]
Sequoia: Someone needs to take care of all of them!
Colin: [laughing] They got vertigo.
Kim: Head injuries are no joke. But Viktor, being the strong and sexy man he is...
Colin: Is... that what it says?
Sequoia: Thanks author.
Kim: Yes.
Colin: Thank you, for giving us that.
Kim: Caught her in time, nibbling her ears as she came back 'round.
Sequoia: Augh.
Colin: Eugh.
Sequoia: Augh. Gross.
Kim: Gross. Disgusting. You know what, I’m gonna join Ron in vomiting. [Sequoia and Colin laugh]
Sequoia: Hold for the vomit please. [Colin and Kim laugh]
Kim: "Oh Viktor, of COURSE I will! I mean, I AM only sixteen, but we can vork… I mean, work, around that!"
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Colin: Oh my god.
Sequoia: Oh my god! [singing] Oh my god! Oh my god.
Colin: So, wait, is the... is the accent baked into the… to the story?
Kim: Yes.
Colin: Oh man.
Sequoia: It’s written in accent?
Kim: I am reading it as written.
Colin: This is prime. This is some prime.
Kim: I would like everyone to know. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Oh, man. [Colin chuckles] I really hope that this is all a nightmare.
Kim: Yeah, right?
Colin: I hope I wake up.
Sequoia: [laughing] I hope I wake up. This whole podcast was a nightmare.
Kim: Wait no, the only way to stop this is if you both enter the dream and then kill me in it! [Sequoia and Colin laugh]
Colin: Or we open a fortune cookie at the same time.
Kim: Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Wait, what?
Colin: It was the Freaky Friday... ah, it was a stretch. Big stretch.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Yeah. It’s fine.
Kim: Anyways. Viktor slipped the ring on her finger, and they began making out again, this time on the floor.
Colin: Huh.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Ron ran to the exit and was about to go screaming down the hall... [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: Naked.
Kim: Naked.
Sequoia: Vomiting.
Colin: Covered in puke.
Sequoia: Covered in vomit.
Kim: Covered in vomit, with rose petals, like, stuck to him? [Sequoia and Colin laugh] But Snape was waiting right behind the door to the common room. As soon as Ron opened the door, Snape sashayed into the common room. [Colin laughs] "Nooooo!" screamed Ron, [Sequoia laughs loudly] falling to his knees in fright.
Colin: So this is a dream. This is all... this has to be a dream.
Sequoia: This is definitely a dream.
Kim: Snape laughed in a high girly voice. [in a mock girly voice] Aheeheeheehee. "I don't want you, silly!" he said.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Colin: What does he want?
Kim: "I came for Harry!"
Sequoia: Of course he did.
Colin: Yes. Yes. [In an Alan Rickman imitation] Mistah Pottah? [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: Ron looked over at Harry in horror, only to see that he was prancing across the floor to Snape's side.
Sequoia: [laughing] Prancing! Sashay!
Kim: "Hey, lover-boy!" Harry said. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: Oh! Ah! Ah! Ah! Eugh!
Kim: Oh God, here actually comes the vomit.
Sequoia: Oh God.
Kim: Harry said, kissing Snape's cheek.
Sequoia: Eugh. Eugh.
Kim: Snape giggled, while Ron turned green, ready to puke any second.
Sequoia: [sounding like she’s about to vomit] Eugh. I’m with ya.
Kim: "But… how did you… how… what the… why?!" [Sequoia and Colin laugh] Ron stammered. Harry giggled. "Well, I've had a crush on Sevvy for some time now...”
Colin: Whoa.
Kim: “But I wasn't sure he liked me back, so I slipped some of his own Unrequited Love potion into his nightly vodka and orange juice, and here we are!”
Sequoia: Oh my God!
Colin: Slammin’ screwdrivers in the teachers’ lounge. [all laugh]
Kim: Just every night. Just in there. Poundin’ ‘em down.
Colin: Just poundin’ ‘em.
Kim: Wouldn’t you?
Colin: Yeah. Make the feelings go away.
Sequoia: Especially if I was Snape.
Colin: [laughing] Yeah, if I was Snape. He has to self-medicate real hard.
Kim: Tryin’ to to deal with children.
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh, no.
Kim: Um, okay. Harry turned, swept Snape into his arms, and kissed him passionately.
Sequoia: Eugh! Eugh.
Colin: [laughs, continues in a seductive voice] Continue. [Sequoia and Kim laugh]
Kim: Ron couldn’t take it any more. He bolted out of the common room, and out of Hogwarts.
Colin: Yes, that’s the correct answer.
Kim: Months later, he was found by Hermione...
Colin: [laughing] Months later? Wait, is this...
Sequoia: Is this…
Sequoia and Colin: ...not a dream? [Kim cackles]
Sequoia: Whaaat?
Colin: He was just found, naked in a ditch, four months later?
Kim: Yep. Months later, he was found by Hermione and her husband Viktor, [Colin laughs] and taken to Saint Mungo's, where he lives in a nice little rubber room, all by himself. The end.
Colin: The end? That’s the end?
Sequoia: Whaaat? What? What? [Kim cackles loudly] What? What? What?
Colin: Why?
Sequoia: What?
Colin: [through laughter] Why? That was so good! I hated that so much.
Sequoia: That was great. That was so... [laughs] So good, I hated this. [all laugh] That was great. That was so great.
Colin: That was… Yeah, that was...
Kim: Yeah I found that for you guys.
Colin: ...just what I wanted.
Kim: The funny thing about this story is that it was a response to a prompt that included a lot of the story. Not the story beats, but like, you know, like... you know how old prompts were, like, you had to include this phrase, and this object.
Sequoia: Mm.
Colin: Mhm.
Kim: So I read a couple other stories that were responding to this same prompt, right around this one, and this one stood out head and shoulders above everyone else. [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: [laughing] Yeah. I can see that.
Kim: If I was judging this competition? This one is the winner.
Sequoia: Oh my god. Yes.
Colin: Well, that did not go the way... I expected it to go.
Sequoia: I thought it was going to be a dream!
Colin: I am so glad that it did go that way, although...
Kim: Yeah. My favorite part of the story is that that wasn’t a dream.
Colin: It was not a dream.
Sequoia: The nightmare happened before the story started.
Kim: Uh huh.
Colin: Yeah.
Kim: Uh huh.
Colin: The nightmare’s still happening as I replay the events of that story in my head. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: This is all a nightmare.
Colin: [laughing] This is a big. Mistake.
Kim: [laughing] So yeah.
Sequoia: Ugh. Thank youuuu.
Kim: I found that... I found that for you.
Colin: That was a good find.
Sequoia: We’ve got recs, you got recs?
Kim: No.
Sequoia: What?
Kim: You have recs?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Oh! Oh, yeah, we do have recs. So I don’t have a Valentine’s Day rec specifically, but I am going to rec just a regular romancey story, I think?
Colin: [In a growl] Um, I have one.
Kim: No, don’t rec that. [Colin laughs] [Kim whispers inaudibly]
Colin: The one where the Enterprise Bridge crew all get sorted into the houses.
Kim: Yeah, I know you recommend that one.
Colin: It’s really fun.
Kim: That has nothing to do with today’s episode, buddy. You can rec that some other time.
Colin: [laughs] That’s the only fanfiction I’ve been reading, is Star Trek/Harry Potter crossover. [Sequoia laughs] A surprisingly rich genre. [Sequoia laughs again]
Sequoia: Anyway, um... I am going to rec A Pair of Paper Hearts.
Kim: Mm.
Sequoia: Which is a Valentine’s Day fic, it’s a George Weasley/Alicia Spinnet...
Kim: Oh cute.
Sequoia: And it’s cute, it’s fluffy, it’s gross.
Kim: Mhm. Mhm. Mhm.
Sequoia: It’s gross. It’s gross.
Kim: Nice. Oh, I remember what I was going to rec. So um, I wrote a fanfiction that was Harry/Neville because I realized that’s a great pairing after I read this embarrassing story that I am going to rec right now. This is a story called If You are Breathing, And this is a story that made me realize that Harry/Neville is a [whispers] great pairing.
Colin: Mhm.
Sequoia: Excellent.
Kim: That I am in. To. [Sequoia and Colin laugh] So.
Colin: Narry.
Kim: That is my recommendation.
Sequoia: Excellent.
Colin: Heville.
Kim: No, stop.
Colin: Har… Herv...
Sequoia: Nope. Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope.
Colin: Harenville.
Sequoia: There was a lot... I read a lot of really good Wolfstar.
Kim: [sighs] I just avoid it ‘cause I know I’m not going to find anything useful for the podcast.
Sequoia: I know, but I...
Colin: Who’s that?
Kim: It’s, uh...
Sequoia: It’s a Remus/Sirius.
Colin: Oh.
Kim: It is my OTP.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: It’s a good choice.
Sequoia: That was a lot of good Valentine’s Day Wolfstar out there.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Um, okay, well... thanks for listening to our podcast. Thanks for coming on our podcast, Colin.
Colin: Yeah, thanks for having me on, I had so much fun!
Kim: Yeah, thanks for coming on, Colin.
Sequoia: Yeah. Um, thanks for listening to our first...
Kim: Special Valentine’s Day episode!
Colin: [in a deep voice] Special...
Sequoia: Yeah. Our first special episode.
Kim: Little holiday episode.
Colin: [still in a deep voice] ...Valentine’s Day.
Kim: Nope, you messed up.
Sequoia: I know that it’s like, we had one comin’ on Monday, and then one on Wednesday, so... you’re welcome. [she and Colin laugh]
Kim: Listeners.
Sequoia: If you want to tweet at us about any of the predictions that you made, we would highly encourage that.
Kim: Or just general thoughts. We love it when we get live tweets of people listening to the episodes, super fun.
Sequoia: We. Love. That. Thanks Marissa, for doing that all the time. It’s great.
Kim: Yeah, they always make me happy.
Sequoia: If you wanna tweet at us or find us on Instagram or Facebook, @fanaticalfics is our handle.
Kim: Yep. If you want to send us any longer thoughts or maybe you’ve written something and you want to talk to us about that, our email is fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Sequoia: If you want to support the podcast, there are a few ways to do that.
Kim: Number one, review us on iTunes! It super duper helps. We want your feedback, we love hearing from you. Let us know! What you think. How we’re doing.
Sequoia: Yeah. Let us know what you think, review us on iTunes, send this podcast to a friend that you think might enjoy it.
Kim: Don’t know why that would happen, but you know.
Colin: [chuckles] Yeah, I don’t know why you would do that to a friend. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: Thanksssss, Colin. You’re never invited back on the podcast. [Kim and Colin laugh] You can also support us on patreon.com.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: We do some cool extra fun stuff, swag, stories, extra podcasts.
Kim: Yep.
Colin: Optionally, you can stuff an amount of money into an envelope and write “Colin” on the front [Kim laughs] and just [laughs] put that in your mailbox. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: [laughing] That’s...
Colin: If you wanna support me in my endeavors.
Kim: [laughing] Don’t do that.
Sequoia: Don’t do that.
Kim: He does not deserve your support.
Sequoia: Definitely do not do that.
Kim: We love reading fanfiction. And if you love reading fanfiction and you have found a fanfiction, like Colin has, that you wanna share with us, we have a submission form. There is a link in the episode description to that, so go ahead and, uh...
Sequoia: We’ll read it.
Kim: Yes we will.
Sequoia: Give it to us, we will read it. We love reading fanfiction.
Kim: [singing] We love it!
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: And thanks as always to the Whomping Willows for the use of our theme song, Wolfstar.
Sequoia: Yeah, happy Valentine’s Day everybody. We love you. This is our Valentine to you, our listeners.
Kim: [strangled] We... lo... [clears throat] You just said that really easily.
Sequoia: I’m the single one! [all laugh] Bye.
Kim: Bye!
Colin: Bye.