Episode 13: The Truth/Professing His Love Through Song
It turns out episode 13 is when you start establishing your own canon. Tune in to find out THE (very real and not outlandish) TRUTH.
Recommendation: First Flight
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/1843884/1/First-Flight
Kim: Pew pew pewwwww!
Sequoia: Pew… [both laugh]
Kim: That’s what our soundboard would... what else would be on our soundboard? I forget what we talked about.
Sequoia: I’d want some Lily Evans voice on the soundboard.
Kim: [laughing] Shit.
Sequoia: Absofuckinglutely.
Kim: Okay. Fine.
Sequoia: The soundboard would have your, “Fucking fine.” [Kim laughs] Would be on the soundboard.
Kim: What about from episode three where you made the Ginny scream? [Sequoia laughs] The scream that everyone made when Ginny appeared. [both laugh]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: So first thing...
Kim: No. Hello!
Sequoia: Oh, fuck! [laughs]
Kim: Ha! This time I got you!
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah.
Kim: This is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them. I’m Kim.
Sequoia: And I’m Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And this a podcast about Harry Potter fanfiction.
Sequoia: It’s [pause] awesome. [Kim laughs] I’m helping, I’m helping. [laughs].
Kim: [laughing] Ohhh.
Sequoia: No, we did it out of order and I didn’t know what to do.
Kim: I know, I fucked it up. [Sequoia laughs] It’s great. This is great.
Sequoia: This is so good.
Kim: This was totally wrong.
Sequoia: We’ve just devolved over time. Okay, so that was the first thing. Second thing...
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: ...we want to do today. We want to do a little shout out. Lil’ shout outsie.
Kim: Shout out!
Sequoia: [singing] Shout ouuut! This shout out is for Sierra, who sent us, like, the nicest email.
Kim: Seriously. We don’t deserve nice things like that.
Sequoia: We don’t. [Kim laughs] But we really appreciate them.
Kim: Thank you!
Sequoia: So thanks for sending us...
Kim: Yeah, so our, like, first official fan mail.
Sequoia: Right? And we...
Kim: Ohhh.
Sequoia: ...panicked.
Kim: That email came in and I got all sweaty. [Sequoia laughs] I was like oh, what’s happening? [hyperventilates] [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, we legitimately panicked.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: But we were really grateful.
Kim: Yeah, thank you so much for the feedback.
Sequoia: So thank you. Thanks, Sierra. You’re awesome. We have a... we have a... we have a podcast to do today. We have stories to read. I have stories to read.
Kim: Oh do we still... do we still have to do that? [Sequoia laughs] I can’t just leave now?
Sequoia: Shit. We were just gonna do this part. See if anybody noticed.
Kim: [laughs] There’s nothing after this? We release like a ten minute long episode of just shit? [Sequoia laughs] I mean, it’s not like that’s not what the bonus episodes are. Whaaat?
Sequoia: Whaaat? Patreon.com [both laugh] slash… oh my god, kill me. Okay.
Kim: That’s a great plug. [whispering] Fuck.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh, great. Okay, so I’m gonna read...
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: ...some Harry Potter fanfiction.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Today.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I was sitting on my couch last night drinking some wine, eating some chocolate, reading some fanfiction.
Kim: [laughs] That sounds awesome.
Sequoia: It was actually really great.
Kim: Sounds really nice.
Sequoia: Would highly recommend.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And I found you some stuff.
Kim: Oh nooo.
Sequoia: It’s gonna get real weird today.
Kim: Did you bring me some smut?
Sequoia: No!
Kim: Oh god, I hope so.
Sequoia: I’m so… okay!
Kim: Why don’t you ever bring me smut?
Sequoia: Because I am me and I cl... I can’t ev... I can’t read it out loud.
Kim: I don’t know.
Sequoia: I can’t!
Kim: I don’t know! That... that one that failed. That episode that didn’t make it.
Sequoia: [laughing] The episode that didn’t make the cut?
Kim: You almost read some smut in that, and it was almost okay.
Sequoia: Right, it was the trashed episode. [Kim laughs] Thank you very much. Patreon.com/...
Kim: No! [Sequoia laughs] Not the time to plug that.
Sequoia: Nope? No it’s not?
Kim: We don’t post trash on Patreon, what?! What?! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Who would do that?!
Kim: Just go on the internet and post garbage! [Sequoia laughs] For our dear listeners.
Sequoia: We. Love. You. [sighs] Okay, so I… I’m gonna read some stuff.
Kim: How many do you have for me today?
Sequoia: So I’m gonna read you two today.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: And they’re short, so we’ll see.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: We’ll see what happens.
Kim: I… I… hm. We’ve been... we’ve been going pretty long recently, so...
Sequoia: Okay, do you want to make some predictions?
Kim: Do you know the last time I made a prediction? It’s been so long.
Sequoia: Literal months.
Kim: I was already really... I was like... I was really good at the beginning and then I progressively got worse. Maybe we’ll see if I have, like, reached the bottom and I’m gonna come back up again or I’ve just plateaued at zero points per episode.
Sequoia: Is that a plateau or like a...
Kim: Oh, I guess it’s not.
Sequoia: Right, ‘cause it’s not…
Kim: It’s like a really long valley.
Sequoia: [laughs] Cool. Yeah. I don’t know.
Kim: Huh.
Sequoia: I think these are gonna be really difficult.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: So...
Kim: Awesome.
Sequoia: ...I’m sorry?
Kim: No, you’re not.
Sequoia: No, I’m not sorry. I’m not sorry at all.
Kim: Well, don’t forget, listeners, we love it when you make predictions. Tweet them at us.
Sequoia: Tweet them! At us!
Kim: Like Marcella. Marcella tweeted at us.
Sequoia: Marcella tweeted at us, and so did Marissa.
Kim: And she got zero fucking points.
Sequoia: And so did Marissa.
Kim: Congratulations!
Sequoia: Good job, ladies.
Kim: You got zero points too.
Sequoia: Shut up! [snorts] [both laugh] Okay, so, your first… oh my god, I’m sorry.
Kim: [groans] Oh no.
Sequoia: I just fucking love this story. Okay. It’s called The Truth and the genre is humor.
Kim: Nooo, this is nothing to go off of. [Sequoia laughs] You shithead.
Sequoia: Uh-heh ho!
Kim: Hmm. This story is going to take place during their fifth year.
Sequoia: ‘Kay.
Kim: The trio’s fifth year.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: And a character is going to learn the truth? [Sequoia laughs] About…. no. No! They're not going to learn the truth, they’re going to TELL the truth about their insane heritage.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: And… that heritage… they’re gonna be... they’re gonna be related to one of the founders. And it’s gonna be re… resolved in a wacky high jinx or something. [whispers] I don’t know.
Sequoia: Okay. Great.
Kim: Is that good enough?
Sequoia: [clears throat] Yeah.
Kim: I don’t know.
Sequoia: You know, those were pr… predic. They were predictions.
Kim: They WERE predictions.
Sequoia: The… you made some.
Kim: I made some predictions there.
Sequoia: There we go. That’s the...
Kim: I feel... I feel...
Sequoia: That’s the best you can ask for.
Kim: I feel bad [Sequoia laughs] already.
Sequoia: You were NEVER going to get this.
Kim: Going to get it? All right. Good.
Sequoia: So, like, feel better.
Kim: I guess I feel a little better. Okay, I’m just excited to hear it.
Sequoia: Listeners, you all did badly too, okay? [Kim laughs] You’re...
Kim: Don’t forget to tweet them at us!
Sequoia: Don’t forget to tweet ‘em at us.
Kim: Tweet why you think my predictions were so stupid, though, also.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Be like, why would you even think that?
Sequoia: Ugh, KIM.
Kim: What’s wrong with you? Anyway.
Sequoia: Okay this is called The Truth.
Kim: Whoo, I’m excited.
Sequoia: Some of you might know me as the evil Lord Voldemort.
Kim: No! [laughs]
Sequoia: But it’s all not true.
Kim: [laughing] Oh no! What the fuck?
Sequoia: Excuse me, would you... Voldemort’s trying to tell a story right now.
Kim: But I don’t wanna… [makes upset noises] Already scared. [Sequoia laughs] Was he framed?
Sequoia: Let me tell you what really happened.
Kim: Oh no. Is he talking directly to the, like, reader?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Ohhh.
Sequoia: He’s talking to you. Voldemort is trying to tell you a story right now.
Kim: He’s gonna drop a knowledge bomb of...
Sequoia: Of truuuuth.
Kim: Okay. Fine.
Sequoia: I was flying my Shooting Star to Godric’s Hollow to collect my money...
Kim: Shooting... Shooting St… money?
Sequoia: His Shooting Star. That’s a broom.
Kim: Okay. Yeah, sure.
Sequoia: It’s a broom. Yeah?
Kim: I guess.
Sequoia: That’s a… that’s a model of broom.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That’s a model of broom.
Sequoia: There you go.
Kim: I thought you meant a literal shooting star. [Sequoia laughs] And I was like wait, what?
Sequoia: The way this is going, like really, anything’s possible, I think.
Kim: Yeah. He was going to collect some money. Fine.
Sequoia: I was flying my Shooting Star to Godric’s Hollow to collect my money from the cheatin’ bitch James Potter.
Kim: He is a cheating... it’s true.
Sequoia: He is a cheating bitch.
Kim: It’s a good characterization of Ja… James.
Sequoia: James Potter. He’s a cheatin’ bitch.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: You see...
Kim: No. I don’t want it.
Sequoia: [laughs] You don’t want it?
Kim: I don’t want it.
Sequoia: That’s too fucking bad, man.
Kim: I don’t want it. This is... this is… this is not going anywhere good.
Sequoia: You see, last week I had my weekly poker game with Remus, Sirius, Snape and Dumbledore. [Kim snorts] [both laugh]
Kim: I’m sorry, WHAT?!
Sequoia: It’s Voldemort’s weekly poker game...
Kim: This is during the middle of the... the first wizarding war.
Sequoia: ...with Remus, Sirius, Snape and Dumbledore.
Kim: Once a week, he sits down...
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: ...to poker.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Strip poker?
Sequoia: Because... [Sequoia laughs] no, but I do have one of those stories somewhere. [Kim makes uncomfortable noise and Sequoia laughs] You know, I mean, sometimes you have to have, like, a cease fire. You have to have...
Kim: Once a week?
Sequoia: Once a week you have a cease fire. You sit down with your bros.
Kim: You play strip poker.
Sequoia: You play strip poker. I don’t know why that’s...
Kim: Snape loses. [Sequoia laughs] As usual. Snape. But he loses on purpose.
Sequoia: He does.
Kim: That minx. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I am uncomfortable.
Kim: Awesome.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: How about... okay, should I continue writing this? [Sequoia laughs] Got some ideas.
Sequoia: Oh no. Moving on. It was like any other game. Dumbledore was drunk as hell. Sirius and Remus were playing footsies but kept touching me. [both laugh]
Kim: Typical.
Sequoia: Typical.
Kim: [deep voice] Typical.
Sequoia: Keep it to yourselves, boys.
Kim: You know, sometimes when you’re playing really intense footsies there’s some spill over. [Sequoia laughs] Ready? Here, let’s practise. Practice.
Sequoia: Really? No. Oh my god, no, don’t touch me.
Kim: Here comes the foot. Here comes the foot.
Sequoia: Oh, why are you touching me? Oh Jesus! Really. It’s happening in real life. [Kim laughs] Oh god. Really Voldemort needs to stop sitting so close to either Sirius or Remus.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Like, he’s, you know. Or, like...
Kim: I feel like you could, like, cast a barrier if it’s bothering you that much.
Sequoia: Exactly. Aren’t you like the most powerful, or like...
Kim: You guys have MAGIC!
Sequoia: Listen.
Kim: [laughs] Or whatever.
Sequoia: Or whatever. Oh well, so on with the story. [Kim laughs] [laughing] Sorry, I can’t... I also don’t know what voice this is that I’m doing, but I’m rolling with it. I caught James cheating, with a card in his sleeve.
Kim: Oh wait, James was there?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: ‘Cause he wasn’t in the list.
Sequoia: He wasn’t [Kim laughs] in the list earlier.
Kim: It was implied that he was there because he owes him money?
Sequoia: Yeah, ‘cause he’s a cheatin’ bitch. We’re getting to the part...
Kim: Ugh.
Sequoia: ...where... where James Potter is...
Kim: Who cheats at, like, a friendly game of poker? Although I guess it’s probably not a friendly game of poker because it’s Dumbledore and [mumbles] you know, Voldemort?
Sequoia: I mean, it seems like a non-friendly...
Kim: I’m confused, I guess.
Sequoia: Unless you’re Remus and Sirius…
Kim: Then it’s very friendly.
Sequoia: ....in which case it’s a very friendly game of poker. I caught James cheating, with a card in his sleeve.
Kim: It’d be really hard to hide that stuff from Voldemort, considering he can see into your thoughts.
Sequoia: Oh my god! I didn’t even think of that. Why are you even playing poker with Voldemort? [both laugh] That is my NUMBER ONE qualm with this entire scenario.
Kim: No one would ever play poker with Voldemort. [Sequoia laughs]. Well, I guess... I guess Snape could play and Dumbledore could play. Although Dumbledore is drunk so he might not be as good of a...
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: As good at...
Sequoia: Classic drunk Dumbledore at the party. He is that drunk girl at the party! That is Dumbledore!
Kim: Ohhh my gosh. Is he white girl wasted? [both laugh] He... I bet he’s saying like sassy shit too.
Sequoia: Oh. Oh, absolutely.
Kim: When was this story written?
Sequoia: 2006.
Kim: Oh no. [Sequoia laughs] Oh no.
Sequoia: Oh no. So I yelled, “You motherfucker! [Kim snorts] You’re cheating!” [both laugh]
Kim: Appropriate.
Sequoia: Appropriate, yeah. Good. Good job, Voldemort. So he was all, “What the hell, I ain’t cheating.”
Kim: [snorts] And then, like, cards just pour out of his sleeve. [Sequoia laughs] I’m not cheating!
Sequoia: I’m not cheating!
Kim: Like shooting... waving his arms around. Or whatever.
Sequoia: Yeah. That’s probably what’s happening. “What the hell, I ain’t cheating!” “You bastard. I bet your son’s gonna be a cheater too.” [Kim laughs] That was Voldemort.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: ‘Kay? So then James says, “Oh, so now you’re gonna kill my son?” [both laugh]
Kim: WOW, he did NOT say that!
Sequoia: [laughing] No, he didn’t. That escalated sooo quickly. [both laughing] I, like, legitimately don’t know how you get there. So naturally…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: ...Voldemort’s like, “DUDE! I never said that! Now you’re just trippin’.”
Kim: [laughs] Just trying to start some shit.
Sequoia: Yeah, so really this is all James Potter's fault.
Kim: Most things are James Potter's fault.
Sequoia: That’s what happens when you cheat at poker with Voldemort.
Kim: He kills your son?
Sequoia: Um, I’m sorry, Voldemort’s not done telling his story yet.
Kim: Ohh right. Hold for the whatever, whichever.
Sequoia: Hold for the… the… hold for the….
Kim: Whatever?
Sequoia: Whatever? Soon after that, he spread a rumor about me and my home boys, the Death Eaters, [Kim laughs] that we was gonna go kill that bitch ass son of his, Harry Potter.
Kim: [laughs] Bitch ass baby. [both laugh]
Sequoia: This sp… [both keep laughing] Oh my god, James.
Kim: I’m SO confused about the premise of this story. Please continue!
Sequoia: [laughs] So let’s get back to the present. I walk up, I ring the doorbell, I hear, “Lily! Take Harry upstairs! It’s the damn Voldemort!” [both laugh]
Kim: Uuuuuum?
Sequoia: Ahhh, it’s the damn... it’s the damn Voldemort again.
Kim: What? [both laugh]
Sequoia: [laughing] It’s the damn Voldemort! Whoo! Now, I was pissed, so I kicked down that motherfucker’s door.
Kim: Wait, wait, wait. I thought he was mad because James owed him money. Now he’s mad because James is trying to start some shit?
Sequoia: Yeah, so James was cheating at poker.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: So, which I assume resulted in...
Kim: Him owing Voldemort money?
Sequoia: ...him owing Voldemort money. 'Cause he probably won, but he was cheating, so then Voldemort’s like, I want my money.
Kim: Give me my money back?
Sequoia: Bitch better have my money. As it were.
Kim: But he’s... but.... okay.
Sequoia: And then... [both laugh]
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: So naturally...
Kim: So he’s… he’s… he’s trying to get his money, but also he wants James to stop spreading rumors about his crew.
Sequoia: About his crew. Yeah. ‘Bout da Death Eaters. [Kim laughs] As it were.
Kim: Is it really spelled da?
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah, it is. [Kim sighs] 2006 everybody. [both laugh]
Kim: [singing] Ba-da-buh, ba-da-buh. Merp!
Sequoia: [laughs] He was so frickin’ scared he had a heart attack. [Kim laughs] So that’s how James died.
Kim: Fine. 'Cause of Voldemort’s ugly mug.
Sequoia: [laughing] Voldemort...
Kim: Your face so ugly that I DIED. [Sequoia laughs] Or whatever.
Sequoia: He had a heart attack. So I went upstairs to go tell Lily.
Kim: That he died?
Sequoia: That he... that he was dead. He’s like, oh fuck, gotta go tell Lily that James just died of a heart attack right here. Just go upstairs.
Kim: Should put a bag over his face first.
Sequoia: [laughs] She started screaming, “Not Harry! Not Harry! Please! Not Harry!” “What do you think I am, an evil villain?”
Kim: Ye… yes.
Sequoia: Yes. I laughed. He laughed that. Sorry, let me do that again.
Kim: Oh. [Sequoia laughs] I don’t know that I want you to.
Sequoia: No, I’m not gonna do that again. “Stand aside, I’m outta here.” So he’s trying to leave. Now he’s trying to leave.
Kim: She’s not standing in front of you.
Sequoia: But she is, or something?
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: But that bitch was crazy. [Kim snorts] She… [laughs] sorry.
Kim: That bitch WAS crazy.
Sequoia: She was crazy. And kept on screaming, “Not Harry! Please no, take me! Kill me instead!” I don’t know why, but seeing Lily like that made me laugh out loud.
Kim: [laughs] Lol.
Sequoia: I mean, it was funny!
Kim: Lol, lol, lol, lol, lol!
Sequoia: And when something’s really funny, my laugh gets a lil shrill, [Kim laughs] but in a manly way. [both laugh]
Kim: This is the part that he really felt like he needed to clarify.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: The rest of the story is just building up to, my laugh is super manly, guys.
Sequoia: Yeah. Real manly. I just have... if I’m laughing, really hard. If it’s really funny, it just gets a little high pitched. [Kim laughing] And that doesn’t mean anything about my manliness. Please.
Kim: Or my villain-ness.
Sequoia: She took it evilly, and screamed.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: And had a seizure.
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia: Which consequently made her fall out of the two storey window.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Right? Good. ‘Kay.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Not this... none of this is Voldemort’s fault!
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: He just showed up, and then James...
Kim: KICKED down the door.
Sequoia: Yeah, kicked down the door. James had a heart attack, Lily fell out of a window, [Kim laughs] because his laugh is very manly. Some of the shattered glass fell and cut Harry’s head into a weird sorta lightning bolt way. I tried to heal him, but he was just playing with his late mom’s wand, and you’ll never guess what that little bitch said! [Kim snorts] Do you want to guess what that little bitch said?
Kim: Uhhhh, sayonara, sucker? [both laugh]
Sequoia: No.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: He said, “Ga ga Avada Kedavra.”
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: And it killed me.
Kim: Fiiiiine?
Sequoia: So now you see what really happened.
Kim: Wait, is he dead?
Sequoia: No. 'Cause he has Horcruxes.
Kim: So he’s still evil.
Sequoia: He’s still evil.
Kim: He still killed all those people.
Sequoia: Oh yeah, he definitely still killed all.... all those people. But he’d like to clear up...
Kim: This one... this one time.
Sequoia: This specific instance.
Kim: [laughs] You can see why James might have thought that he wanted...
Sequoia: You can clearly see the pattern where James, [Kim laughing] all of a sudden, out of nowhere, said, “Now you’re gonna kill my son?”
Kim: 'Cause he had killed...
Both: ...several people.
Kim: [laughing] But they were playing poker.
Sequoia: But they were playing poker, and then Harry killed him.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Th… apparently doesn’t know how to talk yet, but...
Kim: Can say that.
Sequoia: ...can say Avada Kedavra.
Kim: You know, kids pick up on what people around them say.
Sequoia: Exactly. James.
Kim: James and Lily. You guys.
Sequoia: James. All your fault.
Kim: Always killing in front of the baby.
Sequoia: [sighs] Gotta stop killing in front of the baby.
Kim: [laughs] Okay.
Sequoia: So now you see what really happened.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: And that is why I try to kill that son of a bitch Harry Potter every year.
Kim: [laughs] 'Cause he... 'cause he killed you?
Sequoia: Yeah, 'cause he was... the... ‘cause baby Harry killed him! And you know, Voldemort, he doesn’t let shit go, okay?
Kim: Clearly not.
Sequoia: He doesn’t. He doesn’t. He never forgets.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: So you see, there was no prophecy. Just some damn poker game. Oh god, my life sucks. [Kim laughs] The end. And that’s the truth, everyone.
Kim: Oh, is this our... is this our new canon?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: 'Cause we’re establishing canon?
Sequoia: Yes. This is Fanatical Fics canon. No, this is clearly not canon.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: But you can see how it would fit nicely into canon.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: You can see how it would nestle...
Kim: No.
Sequoia: ...right there...
Kim: Nope!
Sequoia: ...into canon.
Kim: Nope!
Sequoia: Just as part of the...
Kim: Nope. [Sequoia laughs] Nope!
Sequoia: No? I don’t see what you see as wrong with this.
Kim: Why was Snape at the poker game?
Sequoia: [laughs] [sighs] I got that for you.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: All right, you don’t mean that. You don’t mean that even a little bit.
Kim: It was… it was funny. Funny. Let’s keep going.
Sequoia: Okay, you re… okay.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: You know, I think...
Kim: No.
Sequoia: ...that you might be able to get some points.
Kim: I don’t know.
Sequoia: On this one.
Kim: I don’t know. I’m feeling so discouraged.
Sequoia: No, I think that you can.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: I think that you can.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: I almost don’t wanna do this, because I think that you can [Kim laughs] get points. So...
Kim: You… you gotta throw me a bone, dude. [Sequoia laughs] Neither of us have gotten any points in so many episodes.
Sequoia: Oh, man.
Kim: It’s getting embarrassing.
Sequoia: [laughs] Okay. Let’s get some points on the board for you.
Kim: For anyone.
Sequoia: Anyone. Are you ready? Listeners, Kim, here we go.
Kim: [quietly] No.
Sequoia: Professing His Love Through Song. [Kim groans] And it is a romance.
Kim: Just pure romance?
Sequoia: Just pure romance.
Kim: Great. All right. So clearly someone is singing to someone else. Right?
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: Okay. So that’s like obvious. So I’m gonna guess some other things about this story. I’m gonna...
Sequoia: Yeah, I’m not gonna let you get away with that as a...
Kim: Right, right, obviously not. So I’m gonna guess the pairing. Who do I want it to be? We’ve done too many Draco stories. I’m guessing it’s not going to be a Draco story. This is going to be… I want it to be Draco, let’s be real.
Sequoia: You want Draco to be singing?
Kim: Yeah, I want Draco to be singing. I’m gonna guess that it’s Draco singing.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: I’m gonna do it. Draco is singing… to… [sighs] Harry.
Sequoia: [laughs] Okay.
Kim: I want it to be Drarry.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: I love Drarry stories, they’re so funny. Okay, so Draco is singing to Harry about how much he loves him, and Harry is going to react positively. I want it to be, like, standing outside his window holding a boombox kind of singing.
Sequoia: Okay. Yeah. You wanna go straight up eighties.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: All right.
Kim: Is that three predictions?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I have no idea.
Sequoia: Yeah, Draco singing…
Kim: Draco singing to Harry. Harry reacts positively.
Both: Boombox outside of the window.
Sequoia: Cool.
Kim: Those are great.
Sequoia: Great. Great, great, great.
Kim: I fuckin’ failed.
Sequoia: I’m, like, really upset for you right now.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Oh, because I got it so wrong?
Sequoia: Not exactly. [takes a deep breath] Okay. Professing his Love Through Song. Harry was walking back and forth in front of the Great Hall. He was debating whether or not to go in and carry out his plan.
Kim: Oh my fucking... did I get the order reversed?
Sequoia: Maybe!
Kim: Does Harry sing to Draco?
Sequoia: Maybe. [laughs]
Kim: Oh noooooo! [both laugh]
Sequoia: That’s why I’m so sad for you.
Kim: Yes! Oh, that is so frustrating. [Sequoia laughs] That’s hilarious. Out of all the pairings...
Sequoia: I feel like honestly I think I might just give you a point.
Kim: [laughs] A pity point?
Sequoia: A pity point. Because you were so close. [Kim laughs] Oh my goodness, so close.
Kim: If I hadn’t specified which one was singing...
Sequoia: If you would have just guessed the pairing.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Stupid, being too specific. [Sequoia groans] No, that’s funny. [Sequoia laughs] I deserve zero points.
Sequoia: You see, the previous night, he had come up with a plan to tell his true love about his feelings. [Kim chuckles] He...
Kim: This is the worst plan.
Sequoia: This… [laughs]
Kim: Do you think he stayed up all night watching eighties movies?
Sequoia: [laughs] Probably. The films!
Kim: [laughing] The films.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: No, that’s… that’s not an appropriate call back.
Sequoia: It isn’t?
Kim: We didn’t get any tweets about that, by the way.
Sequoia: About the films, yeah.
Kim: What films?
Sequoia: What films?
Kim: Help us. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Okay. [clears throat]. He didn’t dare ask Ron or Hermione for advice, as they would surely think that he was mad.
Kim: Mad for trying this plan, or mad for wanting to...
Sequoia: Both.
Kim: ...put… put his tongue on Draco’s wherever?
Sequoia: Both. Both of those things. [Kim laughs] I think they would be anti both of those things. Except I think Hermione, who we...
Kim: In our… in our… in our new canon that we’re establishing.
Sequoia: [laughs] Our new canon.
Kim: She’s a... she’s a pretty fervent Drarry shipper.
Sequoia: Yeah, exactly.
Kim: Except when she’s not. [Sequoia laughs] But usually.
Sequoia: But usually she's all in.
Kim: Just like me.
Sequoia: Harry made up his mind. He was going to do it. It was now or never. He hoped that his Gryffindor bravery would shine through to help him make it through the morning. He pushed the doors open, looked around the Great Hall, and spotted who he was looking for. Harry walked.
Kim: I just... I feel like I can’t foresee anyone, like, reacting to being sung like a love song in front of all of Hogwarts positively.
Sequoia: Oh yeah. I would be out.
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That’s so embarrassing. Everybody at Hogwarts, like, makes fun of everyone else at the drop of like, nothing.
Sequoia: [laughs] At the drop of nothing?
Kim: [laughs] They’re just always all prepared. They like live way too close together, there’s not enough of them, so they’re always just giving each other shit about everything.
Sequoia: Right. But if you’re like a... an attention whore, like Draco Malfoy, then maybe you like that shit, you know?
Kim: Ohhh. God, he totally would.
Sequoia: Right?!
Kim: Fucking Draco. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Harry started to walk over to his true love.
Kim: Draco… Drarry stories, Draco affects Harry in ways that make no sense. [Sequoia laughs] And I love it every time.
Sequoia: Many pairs of eyes in the Great Hall followed his steps. Some whispers met his ears. “Where is he going?” “Is he lost?” “Gryffindor table is the other way.” [both laugh]
Kim: Why is everyone watching him so closely?
Sequoia: I don’t know. Because he...
Kim: What if he’s going over to start some shit?
Sequoia: Yeah, I’d be like… I would be sitting at the... whatever, the Slytherin table I guess...
Kim: Uh huh. Right.
Sequoia: Being like, yeah, there’s a fight about to happen.
Kim: [laughs] And I’m gonna start it!
Sequoia: And naturally… [laughs] naturally, because it’s a fanfiction, they would forget that they have wands.
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: And start beating each other up.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That’s how fights always happen.
Sequoia: So I’m ready for a fight, and…
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: [mumbling] ...that’s not what’s gonna happen, so...
Kim: All right, all right, all right. All right. All right.
Sequoia: But yeah. It also seems like it’s written in such a way where maybe he just busted up into the Great Hall.
Kim: Oh, he like pushes the doors open. Like, kicks the doors down.
Sequoia: Exactly, yeah. Like, everybody’s sitting there having a nice meal, and he just like ENTERS. [Kim laughs] You know, and starts walking towards the Slytherin table, which is why...
Kim: I feel like… I feel like Harry probably ENTERS a lot in his sixth year. [Sequoia laughs] Right?
Sequoia: Yeah. Probably.
Kim: That’s the year that he starts being like, I’m the Chosen One.
Sequoia: Bitches! [Kim laughs]
Kim: [sing-song voice] I’m Harry Potter!
Sequoia: [sing-song voice] I’m Harry Potter!
Kim: Look at meee.
Sequoia: That’s basically the same thing we just did to Malfoy.
Kim: Oh, shit.
Sequoia: That is like the same… [laughs]
Kim: Okay, this is making more sense as we go.
Sequoia: [laughs] Harry smiled to himself, as he knew that what he was about to do would shock the entire school.
Kim: [snorts] So weird. What is he gonna to sing? I’m so excited. Is it going… I wonder if it’s gonna be a real song that they’ve just like taken, or if he’s written some shit. [Sequoia laughs] I really hope he’s written some shit. Or he sings like a… like a… what was popular in the mid 2000s?
Sequoia: Oh god, I don’t remember.
Kim: Like a boy band song.
Sequoia: I don't remember that far back.
Kim: I hope he sings, like, Backstreet Boys or something. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh, yeah.
Kim: But he does all the parts himself.
Sequoia: He took a deep breath and started to run towards the Slytherin table.
Kim: Oh, now he’s running?
Sequoia: Now he’s running. People are really looking now.
Kim: Yeah, right? Now he’s definitely going to start some shit.
Sequoia: [laughing] He’s definitely going to punch Draco straight in the face.
Kim: With his tongue. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Draco Malfoy looked up from his breakfast. The first and only thing he saw was Harry Potter. He was running... no, sprinting, [Kim laughs] towards the Slytherin table. It looked almost as if he was going to crash right into him. [Kim snorts] At the last possible moment, Harry jumped.
Kim: Jumped! Oh no. [quietly] Oh no.
Sequoia: Draco screamed a high-pitched, girlish scream. [both laugh]
Kim: [snorts] Unlike Voldemort!
Sequoia: It was manly, though! [both laugh]
Kim: Stupid!
Sequoia: [laughing] St… um... um... oh god. [still laughing] Okay, we both just like shouted into our microphones and then, like… [keeps laughing] and like curled up. Oookay.
Kim: [laughing] Cringing.
Sequoia: [laughing] It’s just so dumb. All right. Whew.
Kim: I still feel bad on my inside that we both did that.
Sequoia: [laughs] He heard the other three houses roar with laughter. Because he has a girlish scream. They were laughing at him.
Kim: Oh, okay. I’d already forgotten what was happening.
Sequoia: [laughs] He didn’t care though. All he knew was that his love, Harry Potter, had just landed on his house table in the middle of his breakfast.
Kim: Do you think Harry’s like standing in...
Sequoia: The middle of his breakfast? [both laugh]
Kim: The eggs. He’s got eggs all over his shoes.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh man, I love it when a man jumps into my breakfast. [laughs]
Kim: I’d be so mad! You know, you just get your whatever, just the way you like it, and you’re eating it and… and suddenly...
Sequoia: All of a sudden...
Kim: ...it’s all over you.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: They’ve sprayed you with cereal or whatever.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh, cereal would be way worse than eggs.
Kim: Yeah, I was gonna… so… so Draco just referred to Harry as his love, also.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: So they’re already into each other.
Sequoia: They’re already in love. I think that this has like not been expressed yet.
Kim: They’re… they’re coming out, as it were?
Sequoia: As it were. Mhm.
Kim: Okay. Are they gonna make out in front of all of Hogwarts? I hope they do.
Sequoia: [laughs] Harry’s heart was beating faster than it had in a long time. He wasn’t quite sure what he was going to say to Draco before he finished carrying out his plan. He had hoped that...
Kim: Uhhh. What?
Sequoia: That didn’t really make any sense, so I’m just keeping… I’m just gonna keep going. [laughs] He had hoped that words would come to him. Ohhhh!
Kim: What?
Sequoia: What? [both laugh] I think what’s happening here is that he wasn’t quite sure what he was going to say to Draco, before...
Kim: Once he landed on the ta… so he...
Sequoia: Once he landed on the… like...
Kim: So he planned up to jumping on top of the table?
Sequoia: And then was like, errrrr, I’m sorry about your cereal.
Kim: In your lap.
Sequoia: I love you.
Kim: Bye. [both laugh] That’s… that’s... sounds about how it would go if I tried this.
Sequoia: That’s… that’s, you know, something I dream of. Some day someone will jump into my cereal and say, sorry about your cereal. [Kim laughs] I love you. [both laugh]
Kim: You better watch out at home.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh no.
Kim: When your roommates hear this.
Sequoia: Damn it. I didn’t even think of that. Oh, they hate me. [both laugh] He had hoped that the words would come to him if he was caught up in the moment.
Kim: Ohhh.
Sequoia: Thankfully for him, they did.
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: “Hi.”
Kim: Good.
Sequoia: “I’m very sorry for interrupting your breakfast. I hope...”
Kim: Okay, this is going exactly how we thought it would.
Sequoia: Exactly. [laughs] I’m sorry about your cereal. [both laugh] “I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me, as this is going to be very hard for me to do.”
Kim: [groans] So he… so he didn’t plan what he was going to say, but he’s planned this next part?
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: With that said, Harry leapt up, yanked off the tear aways he was wearing.
Kim: No! [Sequoia laughs loudly] What?! [weakly] Oh god. Harry, no. [Sequoia continues laughing] Don’t do it! Is he still wearing his robes?
Sequoia: Uuuuuuum. [laughs]
Kim: Or were the robes tear away too? How much was torn away?
Sequoia: Oh, he was also wearing a sweater. [laughs] Sorry, I was sort of reading ahead. He yanked off the tear aways he was wearing (no one had noticed them when he walked in).
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: And pulled his baggy sweater up and over his head. Under those clothes, he was wearing...
Kim: No clothes.
Sequoia: ...a tight fitting pair of black leather pants.
Kim: Noooo!
Sequoia: We are back with the leather pants!
Kim: Those are Draco’s pants, Harry! [Sequoia laughs] How did you get them? [both laugh]
Sequoia: [sing-song voice] They’re baaack! [laughs]
Kim: I like that he was wearing pants under the pants.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah!
Kim: Usually when you tear away…
Sequoia: You tear away these pants to reveal...
Kim: More pants.
Sequoia: ...more pants. [both laugh]
Kim: And what’s… what’s under the sweater. Is it another sweater? [Sequoia laughs] A leather sweater! Sequoia laughs again] I wanna see that. That sounds amazing.
Sequoia: [laughs] And a button up shirt that was left completely undone.
Kim: Oh, boring.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Actually, no, he takes off his sweater to reveal that he’s wearing a shirt.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: Harry heard most of the girls in the Great Hall sigh. [Kim groans] He had a good idea what they were sighing about.
Kim: That’s the sigh that I would do. [groans]
Sequoia: Five years of playing Quidditch...
Kim: No! No!
Sequoia: ...had definitely agreed with Harry! [sing-song voice] He’s got Quidditch muscles and leather pants. I HAD to read this story. I had to. I had to.
Kim: I’m dying.
Sequoia: I’m gonna cry. [both laugh]
Kim: I’m dying. I think I’m crying. Oh my god. [both keep laughing] I have to leave. I can’t. [more laughter]
Sequoia: It’s our two favorite things.
Kim: [groans] Quidditch muscles.
Sequoia: Whew.
Kim: At least upper torso Qudditch muscles might make a little more sense than...
Sequoia: Than ankle ones? [laughs]
Kim: I guess they didn’t actually say those were Quidditch muscles, did they?
Sequoia: No, there were…
Kim: I just projected that onto them.
Sequoia: No, we just… we just talk about them a lot. I don’t know why. I don’t why. [Kim laughs] Whew.
Kim: [very quietly] Quidditch muscles.
Sequoia: Draco was in shock. Not only had Harry jumped up onto his table, he had as good as stripped in front of him! No, he didn’t.
Kim: No, he didn’t. He was wearing clothes.
Sequoia: He’s wearing clothes! [laughs]
Kim: Wearing clothes under the clothes he just took off.
Sequoia: Under his clothes! [laughs]
Kim: [announcers voice] Harry ripped off his tear away robes to reveal a three piece suit! [both laugh] [Kim groans]
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: He decided to try and play it cool, [Kim snorts] but found it difficult to do when Harry’s abs were in his face, calling him to run his fingers over them. [Kim sighs] [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: It was as if Harry would read his mind, because he bent down to Draco, kissed him delicately on the cheek, and stood up again. And now we get to... now we get people’s reaction. People all around thought Harry had just said something in Draco’s ear, but Draco knew the truth. Harry Potter had just kissed him! Draco put on a smile that he was sure was at least a mile wide. He looked up at Harry, and found that he was looking right back at him with a smile on his face that was rivalling his own.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Draco was about to ask Harry what he was doing...
Kim: It’s got...
Sequoia: ...but at that moment… [laughs]
Kim: It’s like…
Sequoia: [laughing] What...
Kim: What do you think he’s doing?
Sequoia: What do you mean?
Kim: He’s gonna conjure up a pole. [Sequoia laughs] Give you a little show for breakfast. Breakfast and a show. There we goooooo.
Sequoia: [still laughing] Breakfast and a show! That is so... [dissolves into laughter]
Kim: How has no one interfered yet? Where the fuck is McGonagall?
Sequoia: All the professors are there.
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: They’re there.
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: And they’re like [wavering voice] oh, young love.
Kim: [wavering voice] What… what is this? I feel like McGonagall would be all over that shit.
Sequoia: They’re like, Harry Potter! [both laugh] Sent directly to detention.
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: With, like, a hundred and fifty points from Gryffindor. [sighs] [wavering voice] No tear aways in the Great Hall!
Kim: [laughs] [sighs] Fine.
Sequoia: But at that moment, Harry started to sing.
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: He had a low, almost husky voice.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: It sent pleasant shivers up Draco’s back just hearing it.
Kim: Oh, Draco. [laughs]
Sequoia: Oh, Draco.
Kim: Draco, what?! Draco, keep yourself together, I guess.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah.
Kim: Or don’t.
Sequoia: Or don’t.
Kim: Whatever.
Sequoia: It’s fine. Nobody else is. Draco couldn’t identify the song, but he knew that from that moment on, it was going to be his favorite song of all time.
Kim: Do they not say what song it is?
Sequoia: No. Okay, so Harry proceeds to sing the whole song.
Kim: Sure. That happens a lot, actually, in fanfictions. They’ll mention a song, and then they’ll just paste the lyrics.
Sequoia: Exactly! So.
Kim: What song?
Sequoia: It is Truly Madly Deeply by Savage Garden.
Kim: Great. Go ahead and listen to that right now.
Sequoia: Yeah. Pause, and go listen to the song. Interspersed with Harry doing some stuff.
Kim: [groans] Oh no. [laughs]
Sequoia: Harry couldn’t believe that he was actually going to do this.
Kim: You’re in it, dude.
Sequoia: Yeah! You like… you can’t then be like, oh never mind. [both laugh] I know that I’m in your cerealand I’ve taken off my clothes to reveal more clothes, but [both laugh] I’m gonna have to go ahead and stop here. [both keep laughing] He hoped that Ron would forgive him for making such a fool of himself, and for Malfoy, at that. I don’t know what that means. He then started to sing. [Kim groans] Okay, now listen to the song. [both laugh] The first words of the song here are, I’ll be your dream, I’ll be your wish, I’ll be your fantasy. Harry’s singing this in the Great Hall.
Kim: Fiiiiiine!
Sequoia: No one in the Great Hall could believe their ears. Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived...
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: ...was singing a song at the top of his lungs...
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: ...to the entire body of Hogwarts, as if his life depended on it. How...
Kim: [laughs] How do you…? What does that…?
Sequoia: How do you…? How do you…?
Kim: How do you…?
Sequoia: How do you...? How do you…?
Kim: How do you...? What do you…? [Sequoia laughs] How do youuu…? Where’s the boombox?
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Is he just...
Sequoia: What is the qualification for this?
Kim: Is he just doing this a capella?
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Oh. That’s scary.
Sequoia: He’s just belting it out.
Kim: That’s kind of scary.
Sequoia: That is… that is kind of scary. That’s… takes some balls. Harry. [laughs]
Kim: Oh, god, I don’t want to think of balls.
Sequoia: [laughing] Why?
Kim: In the leather pants. [both groan] You know what? I gotta… I gotta admit something right here. If I had read this around when it came out, I would have been mad about the time period of the song versus the time period that Harry Potter takes place in.
Sequoia: Yes! Yeah.
Kim: That’s what would have made me mad about this story.
Sequoia: That’s… that’s the part?
Kim: I need to admit that.
Sequoia: That’s the one? ‘Kay.
Kim: That’s it.
Sequoia: Well.
Kim: I’d be like, uh! Pff! Uh! Well, Harry Potter takes place in [Sequoia laughs] the nineties! Harry can’t be singing...
Sequoia: This Savage Garden song.
Kim: [laughs] It always used to make me mad when I would read a fanfiction and they would have like iPods. I’d be like... [splutters] [Sequoia laughs] They can’t be having iPodssss!
Sequoia: Don’t you know?
Kim: They should be using a Walkman.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh man. But like let’s be real about, like, how typical, like, Savage Garden is of this like genre...
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: ...of fanfiction.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Right? At this time period.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I just wanted to point that out as like a insight into fanfiction, because we do that sometimes, insights into fanfiction.
Kim: Here we go. [laughs]
Sequoia: Harry looked around at his audience and found that most of them were staring at him with their mouths wide open.
Kim: Why would they be doing that?
Sequoia: Why? I’m just singing a song to my love. [both laugh] He saw Ron looking at him as if he had five heads, with Hermione at his side...
Kim: Cheering.
Sequoia: ...trying hard not to laugh.
Kim: Clapping. She’s standing up!
Sequoia: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Kim: Being like, yeah, get it, Harry! [laughs]
Sequoia: Un! Un! Un! Un! [both laugh] Why do we do that?
Kim: I don’t know.
Sequoia: [laughs] [Kim groans] He looked up at the head table and saw Professor Dumbledore looking amused...
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: ...while Snape looked at Harry like he were the scum of the earth. [Kim snorts] Which was really nothing new.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Harry then looked down at Draco, and found him smiling up at Harry, looking more giddy than he had ever thought possible for a Malfoy. [Kim sighs] Harry then continued to sing.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: He continues to sing. He continues to sing.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Draco was amazed. He had never thought that Harry would be able to sing, let alone in front of the entire school. He was also amazed to find that Harry seemed to be returning his feelings. [Kim laughs] Like, Draco, take a hint, dude. He got the impression that Harry was singing this song to him.
Kim: No way!
Sequoia: No fucking way! Really?
Kim: Draco.
Sequoia: Draco. Dude! Read the signs. [Kim laughs] Harry looked down at Draco and met his eyes. Nice to meet you. [both laugh]
Kim: Dude, what?
Sequoia: [laughing] I’m sorry! I’m so sorry.
Kim: That’s awesome, thank you. [Sequoia laughs] I’m picturing that now.
Sequoia: He had planned to hold eye contact with Draco for the rest of the song, to make sure that he knew Harry was singing the song for him.
Kim: I… what? Why are they acting like...
Sequoia: What is…?
Kim: ...this is subtle at all?
Sequoia: Yeah. What… what is…? [laughs]
Kim: We get it, dude.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: You probably could have only sang like a portion...
Both: ...of the song.
Kim: No need to...
Sequoia: Not the whole song. He continues to sing the song...
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: ...after this for a little bit.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Harry finished the song and was immediately met with the applause of the entire school.
Kim: [pompously] Everybody gave him a standing ovation.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh, me? Everyone was clapping, except for Snape.
Kim: [snorts] Fucking Snape.
Sequoia: Snape can’t even appreciate good music!
Kim: He’s such a...
Sequoia: Such a...
Kim: Something.
Sequoia: ...stick up his whatever.
Kim: What about McGonagall? Oh my god!
Sequoia: [laughs] She’s all for it, dude!
Kim: No. [Sequoia laughs] No!
Sequoia: Harry and Draco continued to look into each other's eyes.
Kim: Is this the part where they touch tongues?
Sequoia: It was Harry who spoke first. "Draco," he whispered. [both laugh] Sorry, I can’t. "I've wanted to tell you how I feel for a long time now. The situation [Kim sighs] has just never been right, though. I've been afraid that you won't return my feelings."
Kim: So I thought I would do it in the biggest, most embarrassing and obvious way possible. [Sequoia laughs] Do you like me?
Sequoia: Do you like me now?
Kim: And Draco’s like, no. Fuck you.
Sequoia: Get out.
Kim: Of my cereal.
Sequoia: [laughs] Of my cereal. Draco answered him right away. "You shouldn't have worried. I wouldn't have cared whether or not the time was right. Just to hear you say it would have made it perfect.”
Kim: Awwwww.
Sequoia: It’s just.... oh, Draco would never talk like this. [laughs]
Kim: Seriously.
Sequoia: “No matter what anyone says to you, no matter what my actions have been in the past, I feel for you like I never knew was possible. Harry, I love you. I love you so much that it hurts me sometimes." Draco paused, hoping for Harry to say something in return. I just wanna convey to the listeners how upset Kim looks. Like, the face… the facial expression is great. Priceless. So good. So upset. [laughs]
Kim: Malfoy, nooooo!
Sequoia: [laughs] Don’t do this to us!
Kim: Why? [groans] [Sequoia laughs] I can’t. [groans] That was disgusting. I'm vomiting. [both laugh] God. Where’s the snark?
Sequoia: "Draco, you don't know how much it means to me to hear you say that. I love you, too." Both boys had smiles on their faces. Those around them were also smiling.
Kim: And clapping still.
Sequoia: Still clapping. Even the Slytherins. [Kim laughs] Slytherins are like.... speaking as a Slytherin, not for it.
Kim: You’re anti this?
Sequoia: Not in the… well, not in the specific instance.
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: Not with the singing and the gushing.
Kim: God. This is disgusting.
Sequoia: And the tear aways. God. I’m down at the end of the table being like, please.
Kim: Who do you think… who you think the pants landed on when he tore them off?
Sequoia: [laughs] Pansy Parkinson.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: It was hard for people not to be affected by the show and the exchange of words that they had just witnessed.
Kim: Yeah, I think… vomiting.
Sequoia: Yeah, I’m affected. I would say.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Draco and Harry were oblivious to the attention that they currently held. They were trapped within one another, trying to believe what had just happened. The time was right, the mood was set.
Kim: Gross.
Sequoia: So Draco leaned in...
Kim: Gross! Don’t do it!
Sequoia: ...and kissed Harry full on the lips. It escalated to a level that was inappropriate [Kim laughs] for the Great Hall.
Kim: Woah, what?
Sequoia: [laughs] That escalated quickly. Again!
Kim: Oh my gosh! Do you think the leather pants landed on Pansy?
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah. She’s… she’s cheering.
Kim: She’s, like, trying to get herself out of the tear aways still. [Sequoia laughs] Then the leather pants take her in the face. [Sequoia laughs] Gross.
Sequoia: But no one had the heart to ruin the exchange...
Kim: What?!
Sequoia: ...between these two people who obviously cared very much for one another.
Kim: This is breakfast time!
Sequoia: [laughs loudly] I am trying to eat breakfast, I would like to not [Kim groans] have to deal with something inappropriate for the Great Hall.
Kim: Dude!
Sequoia: The kiss only stopped when Draco pulled away from Harry. No one, with the exception of Harry, heard what Draco said next.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: "And that, my dear boy, is how to kiss properly. No more of this cheek business, all right?" [laughs] The look is better. Oh, the facial expression, it got better! How did it get better? She’s crying! Oh no, she’s crying! Oh my god! [both laugh] Oh my god! Ohhh! [both keep laughing]
Kim: Shit, what the fuck? [both still laughing] That made no sense!
Sequoia: [laughs] Ohhh, so much crying. I love this. I love this.
Kim: [still laughing] What? Oh my god.
Sequoia: "Never again." Harry responded.
Kim: Never gonna kiss him on the cheek again.
Sequoia: Nope. They’re just gonna MAKE OUT instead. [Kim laughs] And that’s the end of the story. So I got that for you also.
Kim: [laughing] My dear boy! Whaaat?
Sequoia: Yep. That’s what Dumbledore calls Harry.
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: Yeah. This is… it’s, like, upsetting. [both laugh]
Kim: Who says that?
Sequoia: Oh, man!
Kim: Oh no! So a lot of times when I read stories like this, I wonder if the author is, like, inserting themself in and being like, this is what I would want to happen to me.
Sequoia: I mean, yeah. But...
Kim: Like, if you’re like fourteen, this might…
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: This obviously seems super romantic, right?
Sequoia: Right. Yeah. No, I see that.
Kim: I like to think back.
Sequoia: I might have written this.
Kim: Really?
Sequoia: When I was thirteen, fourteen.
Kim: You’re like, this is the most romantic way to admit your feelings. Can’t just fucking...
Sequoia: Right, the movies told me that...
Kim: Just fucking talk about it like normal humans.
Sequoia: [laughs] I don’t know. I wrote like that a lot.
Kim: Did you?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: You would have written this?
Sequoia: Yeah, I would have written this kinda thing.
Kim: ‘Cept it would have been Ron?
Sequoia: Oh, yeah.
Kim: About Ron and Hermione?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Would Ron have sung to Hermione, or would Hermione have like pulled the stick out of her...
Sequoia: Ron would have sung to Hermione.
Kim: ...butt, and been like, Ron...
Sequoia: No, Hermione wouldn’t have done that.
Kim: ...I’m so overcome by my feelings that I have to share them with you through [singing] song!
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, no, Ron would definitely be singing to Hermione in my story.
Kim: Okay, what song... what song would you have him sing?
Sequoia: [pause] Oh my god.
Kim: Would thirteen year old Sequoia have wanted Ron to sing?
Sequoia: Oh, shit. What year was that? [both laugh] That was 2004. This is the same year...
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: ...that this came out.
Kim: Uh huh. Did you write this?
Sequoia: I am... no, because I didn’t listen to Savage Garden.
Kim: Ah.
Sequoia: I don’t even know this song. I actually didn’t even look it up, either. [Kim laughs] I didn’t look it up and listen to it ‘cause, I felt it unnecessary...
Kim: It’s not necessary, no.
Sequoia: ...to the reading of this...
Kim: Yeah, no, it doesn’t matter what...
Sequoia: ...in the podcast.
Kim: It doesn’t really matter what song is there. Could be any song.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: But what song, Sequoia?
Sequoia: It would have been... I’m tryna think back to if I actually wrote one of these, ‘cause I feel like I might have.
Kim: [laughs] Awesome.
Sequoia: I don’t know. I’m gonna have to get back to you guys on that.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: Which means that I will be tweeting it...
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: ...via our Twitter.
Kim: Tweet whatever you think.
Sequoia: Yeah, what...
Kim: What song would you have put in this fic in 2004, listener? Think about it.
Sequoia: Think about it.
Kim: Let us know.
Sequoia: Get back to us. I’ll get back to you, ‘cause I feel like I really have to... I have to dig deep on this one.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And also, I have no idea what time music happened. Different music. I don’t know what time periods...
Kim: You know, time period doesn’t matter. It’s fanfiction.
Sequoia: Well no, it had to have come out...
Kim: All right, all right, all right.
Sequoia: Around 2004 or 2003 or 2002ish.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: And I’m not entirely sure what came out then.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: ‘Cause I have no concept of time, so...
Kim: Okay, so what... so what we’re gonna do is we’re gonna have you, the listener, tell us what pairing you would have written about in 2004ish and what song it would have been. Let us know.
Sequoia: Let us know, and we’ll let you know.
Kim: Yeah. [laughs]
Sequoia: Rad. I love that.
Kim: That sounds hilarious.
Sequoia: I love that a lot. I really love that.
Kim: Yeah, cool.
Sequoia: Okay, so I am gonna... I think you deserve a point.
Kim: I don’t know.
Sequoia: You guessed the pairing!
Kim: I... okay, I’ll take it.
Sequoia: Yeah, okay.
Kim: I’ll take it. I’ll take it.
Sequoia: You get a point. You guessed the pairing.
Kim: I just.... [laughs] I was so specific in my predictions this time.
Sequoia: I know.
Kim: Gotta be vaguer.
Sequoia: Just guess the pairing [Kim sighs] next time, and I’m gonna pretend that you did it this time. [laughs]
Kim: That’s very generous of you. [both laugh] You know, I am still winning. [laughs]
Sequoia: Someone’s gotta get a point, dude. This is... this is more for...
Kim: Getting embarrassing? [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, we’re... we’re saving face for the entire podcast at this point. Oh, jeez.
Kim: [laughs] Idiots.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: I have a recommendation.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: So I found this cute little fanfiction called First Flight, and it’s about the first time that Ginny steals a broom...
Kim: Oh, that sounds awesome.
Sequoia: ...from the broomshed. Yeah, it’s like a little bit out of character...
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: ...in spots, and stuff, but like I like it.
Kim: That sounds like a nice moment.
Sequoia: Ginny’s like...
Kim: She’s got some good character beats, maybe.
Sequoia: One of my favorite characters.
Kim: Yeah, she’s really underserved in a lot of... kind of even the books.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: The books, especially the movies. A lot of the just stuff. I don’t know.
Sequoia: ‘Cause she’s so like.... she’s like...
Kim: She has a lot of potential, but she’s not...
Sequoia: Female power.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: She’s like a badass. She’s a great witch. She’s a great Quidditch player.
Kim: The problem is that she’s not really plot important.
Sequoia: Right. Yeah.
Kim: And she’s, like, too young to be participating in a lot of the stuff as well.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: It’s too bad.
Sequoia: Yeah, so... I mean, it makes sense, you know, but...
Kim: Sounds like a cool story.
Sequoia: I... yeah, I like to... I always like to hear more about her, just because I like her as a character so much.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: And I think she’s like a good role model of a character. So I really liked this story. That link will be in the description. Please read it. Please read it. Please.
Kim: If you’ve read any of them, please let us... you’re always welcome to let us know what you’re thinking about our recommendations. If you’re liking them...
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: If you think we’re stupid. Let us know.
Sequoia: If you wanted to send us anything.... anything longer than a tweet. You wanna talk to us.
Kim: Or a tweet.
Sequoia: You wanna chat with us.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Send us an email...
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: ...at fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Kim: Maybe we’ll get less sweaty and terrified this time.
Sequoia: Yeah, maybe. Noooo we won’t.
Kim: No promises.
Sequoia: We won’t.
Kim: This is… this is weird and exciting. Yeah, so...
Sequoia: We’ve mentioned Twitter about eight thousand times.
Kim: We can’t stop.
Sequoia: As we generally do.
Kim: We can’t stop.
Sequoia: Actually, people have started tweeting at us less and less over time.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: So I think maybe the...
Kim: We’re... they’re getting...
Sequoia: Excessive telling them to tweet at us has possibly...
Kim: Turned them off of it.
Sequoia: ...had an adverse effect.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: So...
Kim: Don’t tweet at us.
Sequoia: [laughs] So don’t do it.
Kim: @FanaticalFics. We also have an Instagram and a Facebook at the same handle.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: You know.
Sequoia: We do Patreon. We do it.
Kim: Yeah, if... if... we plugged that a few times already.
Sequoia: Yeah, I know.
Kim: Real great quality plugs today.
Sequoia: Quality plugs.
Kim: Jesus. [both laugh] That’s @FanaticalFics. We have bonus written content, bonus audio content, and some cool swag.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Also the... another thing. If you don’t want to support us monetarily, a thing that really helps is if you review us on iTunes. Helps us make the podcast better and helps us to possibly find new listeners.
Sequoia: Yes. If you listen to this podcast and you like this podcast and you think you know someone who might also like this podcast, another way to support us without...
Kim: Is tell everyone, [laughs]
Sequoia: Tell... tell everyone. Tell everyone about it.
Kim: Don’t tell anyone about it. It’s so embarassing.
Sequoia: No, please tell someone about it. Just one. Pick one person...
Kim: Oh, don’t do it.
Sequoia: ...who you wanna share your love of fanfiction with, and then... tie them to a chair and [laughing] make them listen to the podcast.
Kim: [laughing] Dude!
Sequoia: [laughing] What? [both laugh] We need to stop recording, ‘cause I can’t...
Kim: Getting weird. It’s getting weird.
Sequoia: [still laughing] I can’t keep it together.
Kim: We drop everything? No, we’re missing one. Also, if you have read any fanfiction... if you read a lot of fanfiction and you’ve found something you think we need to see, there is a link in the episode description to a form where you can recommend stories to us.
Sequoia: Yes. We will read them.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: We... we may not read them on the show, but we will definitely...
Kim: They will get read.
Sequoia: ...read them. Please send them.
Kim: Send us those links. Yeah, that’s it.
Sequoia: That’s it. Oh, that’s... okay. Is that it now?
Kim: I think that’s...
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: ...all we had to say.
Sequoia: Thanks for listening today to the weirdness I just spewed at you.
Kim: [laughs] Some shit.
Sequoia: If you’ve made it this far in the podcast... if you haven’t already turned the podcast off, just one final thing. Next week, we’re bringing on our first guest.
Kim: Ooooh.
Sequoia: Ahhhhh!
Kim: Scary.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Next week. When I say next week, I mean next episode.
Kim: Oh, so...
Sequoia: We are bringing on Mike from the Potterless podcast.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: So go ahead and check that out if you wanna see what our next guest is gonna be like. Our first guest. Our next guest. Our first guest.
Kim: Scary.
Sequoia: Ahhh! [both laugh] But we’re really excited about it.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And Kim will be reading next week, and...
Kim: Yes I will.
Sequoia: Next week. Next episode! Get it together! Okay.
Kim: And thanks to the Whomping Willows for letting us use their amazing song, Wolfstar. Bye.
Sequoia: Bye. [both laugh]