Episode 45: Luna's Hobby
This episode will prove to be very important to our canon. Take notes.
Recommendation: Daddy… Padfoot?!
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/594883/1/Daddy-Padfoot
Kim’s story released to the public!
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13250949/1/Our-Home
https://archiveofourown.org/works/18328688
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Emma-Marie
Checker: Skylar
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Sequoia: So one of our friends sent us an interesting bit of fanon today.
Kim: I love... I love fanon.
Sequoia: Fanon is too good for us. For this world. So apparently, according to fanon...
Kim: I… I… I feel like this is close enough to the truth that it can be accepted as truth.
Sequoia: Okay, accepted as truth.
Kim: True.
Sequoia: Rita Skeeter, Bellatrix Lestrange were in the same year at Hogwarts, both in Slytherin, meaning...
Kim: They were roommates.
Sequoia: ...they were roomiiiies!
Kim: And BFFs.
Sequoia: And I need that fanfiction.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: That friendfiction.
Kim: Yeah. I think friendfiction’s something else.
Sequoia: Oh! [both laugh loudly]
Kim: Ohhhh. Don't send us friendfiction.
Sequoia: Jesus Christ.
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim.
Sequoia: [sing song voice] And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find ‘Em.
Kim: [blandly] It's a podcast about Harry Potter fanfiction.
Sequoia: [snorts and laughs] Did I throw you off? Did I throw you off?
Kim: I thought… I was like, I gotta undercut this as much as possible.
Sequoia: I wanted you to roll with it.
Kim: Absolutely not!
Sequoia: Oh God. Fine.
Kim: This is a podcast where we say no [Sequoia laughs] instead of, “Yes, and.”
Sequoia: It is the opposite of improvisation. This is an entirely scripted podcast. [Kim laughs loudly] Every time we do it. Very scripted. We... did we write this bullshit ahead of time? Sure.
Kim: Yeah, we have a team of writers.
Sequoia: [laughs] This... this podcast is actually backed by...
Kim: Don't say anything.
Sequoia: [laughing] No.
Kim: You know what? Say something. NPR.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, that's what I was gonna say. [Kim laughs] This is NPR… this is an NPR podcast.
Kim: Great! Great.
Sequoia: Team of writers. Okay, so you had something to tell our listeners.
Kim: Oh, yeah. So in theory, the fanfiction that I've been writing and releasing on Patreon, I said that I would post it up on the internet at large and I have been doing that. Just keep forgetting and then I post it like a month late or then I said I would, but in summary, I have a new fanfiction out. So if you want to go check that out. It's Harry/Ginny. It's kind of... I wanted to write something extra sweet because I was feeling disgusting. I don't know.
Sequoia: Yes. I don't know. Whatever, whatever.
Kim: I don't know. Whatever. So that's out. If you want to check it out, it's on fanfiction.net and Archive of Our Own and my username is Kimfanatical in both of those places. So.
Sequoia: Yeah, go read it. If you're not a patron on Patreon you have yet to have access to that until now.
Kim: So you can check it out.
Sequoia: So go read it.
Kim: I know there is at least one of our listeners who's reading through my fanfics. They're dropping me reviews on fanfiction.net.
Sequoia: Awww!
Kim: So shout out to youuu.
Sequoia: Adorbs.
Kim: You know who you are.
Sequoia: Speaking of shout outs, we got some reviews to get to today.
Kim: Reviews on reviews on reviews.
Sequoia: Shout out to Celeste, who says that our humor is for all types of listeners, and if all types means people who love trash commentary, then yes, I agree.
Kim: [laughs] Shout out to Jessica, who called us alternate universe versions of Fred and George. And I'm pretty sure I've said that other reviews have had the best compliments I've ever received but this is actually the best compliment ever. Thank you.
Sequoia: I love it. Shout out to Astrid Zelma Friedrichsen, who laughed so much at the pod that their family thinks they're crazy. And let me tell you Astrid, I totally get where you're coming from. My family listens to the podcast and they think I'm crazy too.
Kim: Shout out to Malin MD, who says they've spent the last month binging, and I realize that this next bit is for sure a typo, but Sequoia and I can't stop laughing about it. So they said they've spent the last month binging “you gays.” [Sequoia laughs] So thanks for your review.
Sequoia: I love it so much. Shout out to Lassssss151515, who previously cringed while reading fanfic and says that we bring life and hilariousness to everything we read. I love this review, because we do our best to have our readings do justice to the fics that we're reading.
Kim: I love fanfiction.
Sequoia: And I'm just glad that somebody is discovering their love of fanfic through our [dramatic voice] dramatic readings.
Kim: Shout out to SealGT, who recommends against listening at work and I would as well because you KNOW your headphones will come unplugged and your whole office will hear me describing the Whomping Willow and flying car getting it on!
Sequoia: [laughs] Shout out to KaD1991. [singing] Shout out to 1991 babies, what's up?
Kim: No. No. No.
Sequoia: Who titled their review “I'm kind of obsessed with this”. And me too. I think our friends kind of wish we'd stop talking about it all the time.
Kim: We literally cannot stop talking about it, though. Problem. Don't hang out with us. Shout out to annamagdah, who says we're helping them get over their shame about loving fanfic, which is good because there is no shame here.
Sequoia: No shaaaame!
Kim: It’s a no shame zone.
Sequoia: No shame zone. Shout out to Renée Blake, who sends us lots of love from the Netherlands. And we send lots of love right back to you and our surprising amount of Dutch listeners. Thank you!
Kim: Shout out to Treirina, who says they tried to disguise their laughter at work as coughing. So we're very sorry if we've made your co-workers think you're diseased.
Sequoia: No one will shake this person's hand. They're like, why?
Kim: Why do you cough so much?
Sequoia: Why do you cough so much? Thank you so much for all of your reviews. We... we were talking about this the other day. We were talking about... we were at lunch. We were talking about how...
Kim: We go out to lunch sometimes.
Sequoia: Yeah, we're… we’re friends in real life. We were talking about how, like, our... how much we love our listeners and how we like say that a lot.
Kim: Because we do.
Sequoia: But because we do. But it's just like so hard to get across what I... how much I really mean that, I guess. I don't know.
Kim: Because we're very insincere people.
Sequoia: Exactly. Like we're... we're saying just some bullshit like ninety five percent of the time.
Kim: Yes. [both laugh]
Sequoia: But I was... I was saying that...
Kim: You're gonna get real here, aren't you?
Sequoia: Yeah, often like people will ask me, like friends or my family or whomever, will ask me like, hey, how's your podcast going? Like...
Kim: ‘Cause we won't shut up about it.
Sequoia: Yeah, ‘cause we won't stop talking about it and they're like, uh you know, like, how is it going? Like, is it successful?
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: And I… I kind of understand that what they want in response to asking me that kind of a question is like, we have twenty five thousand listeners.
Kim: Twenty five thousand!
Sequoia: Or, like, we make blah blah blah amount of money, which is like not... that's not even… yeah.
Kim: No. No, no.
Sequoia: Lol. And like, while those things would be great, I still… I respond that it is successful because while I came into this process, kind of wanting that like large amount of listeners and dadadada...
Kim: We wanted to blow up.
Sequoia: I wanted to blow up. Th... like, there's nothing... I can't imagine how that would be better...
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: ...than, like, having listeners we have right now. Who are all Hagwig! [Kim laughs] Which is great.
Kim: It's weird.
Sequoia: Like why are you guys all the same? It's amazing.
Kim: Every… almost everyone that's tweeted at us has been Hagwig. It's so strange.
Sequoia: What is that?
Kim: I don't know what it means but I like it.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: And that's true. I... release day is the highl... the highlight of my every other week.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Every time.
Sequoia: It's the greatest day. I love it.
Kim: I love... I'm always so excited to get everyone's feedback on the garbage we've spewed and...
Sequoia: I just, like, refresh Twitter like every two seconds like the entire day just to see everybody's predictions. It's just, like, so much fun. And I just am like, yes.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I feel successful.
Kim: Yeah. Aw, so nice. I have not gotten what I wanted out of this podcast. I came into this podcast with the express goal of driving you to insanity, Sequoia. [Sequoia laughs] And I feel like I've not yet accomplished that. My work must continue.
Sequoia: [laughs] We still got stuff to do. We still got moves to make. Speaking of our wonderful listeners and our reviews and how much we love you guys and that you're all Hagwig. [both laugh] We have had... we had our canon sent to us twice.
Kim: In one week.
Sequoia: In one week.
Kim: Like... like two days apart.
Sequoia: Yeah. We had Rebecca send it to us via email. [Kim laughs] We had Kevin...
Kim: Tweet it at us.
Sequoia: ...tweet it at us.
Kim: Awesome.
Sequoia: And you know, I… I appreciate that you guys...
Kim: Have given up on us.
Sequoia: ... have given up on me. Me specifically. That you still listen to and support the podcast but know that I am no good for... for my word. [both laugh]
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Makes me feel like you really understand me.
Kim: Do not trust us.
Sequoia: Okay, well.
Kim: Is that everything we wanted...?
Sequoia: Now that we've... now that we've done that, we read Harry Potter fanfiction...
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: ...on this podcast.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: And before we read it, we make predictions.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: And I… I mean, I hate to have to bring this up right now...
Kim: Don't talk… don't talk to me.
Sequoia: ...but I have 12.5 points, and Kim has nine points.
Kim: Jesus fucking Christ. You can eat my shit.
Sequoia: [laughs] So...
Kim: I'm really hoping that today's...
Sequoia: I'm really hoping I get four points today.
Kim: No. No points today.
Sequoia: Somehow out of three predictions.
Kim: [in the background] No points. No points.
Sequoia: I'm going to get four points. So if you would like to play along in this game, as I said, release day is our favorite day. Predictions are one of my favorite things in this whole world. You can tweet them at us. We also have people send them to us on Instagram or email.
Kim: Send us in whatever fashion you would like.
Sequoia: Or whatever.
Kim: We are not getting messages shouted into sea shells thrown into the sea though. I would like to repeat that, Colin. We're not getting those.
Sequoia: [laughs] Ah, it's soliloquise.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah, I saw that.
Sequoia: So you can tweet them at us, #FanFicDivination, or send them to us in any way that you want to get them to us. If you don't have a Twitter, we still love you.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: That's the only time I'm ever gonna say that. [both laugh] Tweet at us.
Kim: All right, here we go. If everyone is ready, the fanfic I have today is called...
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: ...Luna’s Hobby.
Sequoia: Mhmm?
Kim: The genre is humor.
Sequoia: Mhmm?
Kim: The time period is post Half Blood Prince.
Sequoia: [with emphasis] I don't like you very much.
Kim: What is up?
Sequoia: All right. There will be a made up magical creature, one that has not been listed in any canonical blahblahblah.
Kim: Featured in the story?
Sequoia: Featured in the story.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: This story does not take place at Hogwarts at all.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: And this fic will feature a physical gag in which somebody trips and/or falls on top of something else. [laughs]
Kim: Cool! I like it. All right. Cool.
Sequoia: Okay, good.
Kim: Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. All right, so before we jump into this, I have a disclaimer. This story was originally nearly four thousand words long.
Sequoia: That's long for us. That's too long for one episode.
Kim: That's very, very long. So I have... this story... I’ve run it through three rounds of edits. I've been working on this story for, like, months now. ‘Cause, like, I have to get this story onto the podcast, but it's so long. So I've gotten it down to 2200 words. Still a little bit on the long side. But... so that's just to give you an idea. I did cut a lot of this story.
Sequoia: And often we do run into these stories where, you know, they're long, but there... there's not actually enough there for more than one episode.
Kim: Yeah, I didn't feel like this was one that could sustain two episodes, so I just cut it all.
Sequoia: I...
Kim: I tried to pare it down to its essence while keeping as much of the humor intact.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: Hopefully I succeeded. We'll see.
Sequoia: All right, I'm excited! Let's go. I love Luna!
Kim: Let's jump into Luna’s Hobby.
Sequoia: Luna’s Hobby!
Kim: One rainy afternoon, the summer before her sixth year, Luna quietly snuck her way down the stairs and began to put on her favorite rubbers. She was doing her best not to squeak as she made her way towards the back door. Hmm, I don't have a Xenophilius voice, do I?
Sequoia: Oh jeez. What's a Xenophilius voice?
Kim: Don't fucking know.
Sequoia: Okay. I'm… I'm ready to see what you're gonna… Oh! This is… this is a physicality. This is becoming...
Kim: [laughing] A physical bit.
Sequoia: ...a physical bit?
Kim: Okay. I'll put them down.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: [high pitched, wavering voice] "And just where do you th…” [both laugh] Wait, wait, wait. No, wait. I think I got… I think I got… Nah I don't got anything. “And just…” Oh, wait, I'm gonna do it like a... like a burnt out hippie. Here we go.
Sequoia: Okay, oh, yeah. No, no, good!
Kim: [hoarse voice] "And just where do you think you're going, little lady?"
Sequoia: Oh jeez. That was...
Kim: That good? That how the burnout sounds? That was nothing, wasn’t it?
Sequoia: I don't think so. I think that was nothing. I think...
Kim: Okay, let me try again.
Sequoia: Okay. [laughs]
Kim: [under her breath] Maaan.
Sequoia: This is really getting into character over here.
Kim: [hoarse, dandyish voice, used for Xenophilus throughout] "And just where do you think you're going, little lady?" [both laugh]
Sequoia: This is...
Kim: That’s still nothing.
Sequoia: Why are you stopping? [both laugh]
Kim: Is it a Beatnik? What was that?
Sequoia: That was… that was a Beatnik.That was something.
Kim: Okay… I gotta... I gotta… I gotta push past this. I'm gonna keep doing that. [both still laughing] But we gotta push past this. This is a long story. The concerned voice of her father startled the mischievous young girl. "You're not going out in the middle of a flesh eating storm!"
Sequoia: A flesh eating storm?
Kim: [bright, airy voice, used for Luna throughout] "But there's nothing to do inside." "We should really find you a hobby."
Sequoia: [laughing] Sorry, I don't know what you’re doing… but it's so good!
Kim: [laughing] I don't fucking… it's nothing.
Sequoia: [still laughing] It's not… there's no...
Kim: It's nothing. I don't know why it's has gone there. [both still laughing]
Sequoia: Was this... was this what you expected out of this story when you started reading it? Yeah, you know what's gonna be really funny?
Kim: Nooooooo.
Sequoia: My Xenophilus Lovegood voice.
Kim: Shit. [Sequoia laughs] No, I didn't put any forethought into it or else I might have done something else.
Sequoia: No, this show is scripted.
Kim: [laughs] "I already have a hobby, thank you very much."
Sequoia: It’s… is it going out into flesh eating storms?
Kim: "Frolicking naked in the rain is not a proper hobby."
Sequoia: [laughing] What the fuck? I don't know.
Kim: Gonna go out nude into a flesh eating storm. Or whatever.
Sequoia: That sounds like a great idea.
Kim: Does it?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I mean, you don't have flesh so…
Sequoia: [laughs loudly] I mean, we are both robots built by NPR [Kim laughs] to do this podcast. So… [both laugh]
Kim: I'm crying so much because I can't keep it together. "That's not what I meant," she petulantly insisted. I'm not doing any inflection. "I'm a criminal mastermind."
Sequoia: Oh my gosh.
Kim: "I devise convoluted, nefarious schemes."
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: "Why don't you work on one of those?"
Sequoia: Instead of going out into the flesh eating storm naked?
Kim: Yeah, don't do that.
Sequoia: Cool.
Kim: Luna sighed and frowned. "You won't sign the waiver to let me get plutonium."
Sequoia: What the fuck is going on?
Kim: Luna’s characterization in this story? Fucking weird.
Sequoia: You know, if she... I bet if she called up Severus Snape [Kim starts laughing] he could get her some plutonium.
Kim: Gotta talk to Death's secretary.
Sequoia: Yeah. Death's secretary. Call him up.
Kim: He got plutonium in his pocket.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: "Luna, we've been over this." Mr. Lovegood shook his head. "If you can't remember to feed the dog, then how do you expect me to believe you're responsible enough for weapons grade plutonium?"
Sequoia: Here's the thing, though.
Kim: What's up?
Sequoia: I don't buy that they have anything as boring as just, like, a regular dog.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: There's no chance they actually have a dog.
Sequoia: They don't have a dog.
Kim: They don't have a dog.
Sequoia: They've got something that...
Kim: There's no chance they have any pets. Neither of them could take care of a pet.
Sequoia: Right, they have something that takes care of itself...
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia: ...but just sort of like lives in their general vicinity and they call it theirs.
Kim: [laughs] Yeah, okay, that sounds right. "What if you tried making a nefarious scheme for one of those boys or girls you're sweet on? Perhaps that one with the hideously mangled forehead you're always talking about."
Sequoia: Oh, Jesus Christ. Is this Luna/Harry?
Kim: I don't know, is it?
Sequoia: [high pitched] Did you? Did you? Did you get me a Luna/Harry story?
Kim: I don't know.
Sequoia: [squeaking] Did you do that?
Kim: Is that the point of the story?
Sequoia: [laughs] No.
Kim: Or is it going somewhere fucking bizarre?
Sequoia: Yeah, no, I think the weapons grade plutonium is just gonna get forgotten about. It's for a… it's for a present for Harry that's gonna be totally anticlimactic.
Kim: Sure, you could think that.
Sequoia: Sure.
Kim: That's not where this is going.
Sequoia: No? Okay.
Kim: "Ooooooh," Luna giggled.
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh my God.
Kim: I'm sorry. I apologize for that noise.
Sequoia: What was that?
Kim: Today is not going well for some reason.
Sequoia: [laughs] No, it's going really well. I think it's going smashingly.
Kim: Who's letting me do voices? "Good idea, Daddy." She turned and ran up the stairs. "Just remember: no dating until you're twenty five!" Mr. Lovegood called from downstairs.
Sequoia: [laughing] Just like...
Kim: I need you to let me get through this section!
Sequoia: Okay, all right. Continue. I'm sorry. I'm not gonna say anything.
Kim: "Oh fiddlesticks!" Luna commented idly to herself. "Well, I suppose there's still unconditional sex."
Sequoia: What the fuck is going on?
Kim: Luna is not allowed to date.
Sequoia: Oh, so she's just... no strings attached sex is what she's getting at?
Kim: "And no sex either!" [Sequoia laughing] Mr. Lovegood amended from the floor below.
Sequoia: Did she say that loud enough to be heard?
Kim: Apparently. No?
Sequoia: Dude!
Kim: "Phooey," Luna said, plopping herself down on her bed. "No sex, hmmm?"
Sequoia: What is happening?
Kim: "If I were to throw sex out the window, then it would present a formidable challenge for my creative genius. I just hope the defenestrated sex doesn't hurt anyone."
Sequoia: [high pitched] What is going on? [laughs]
Kim: A pun, I guess?
Sequoia: Defenestration.
Kim: Yeah..
Sequoia: That's...
Kim: Always funny!
Sequoia: ...always good.
Kim: "Yes, yes. This is going to take some really nefarious scheming."
Sequoia: What is going to take nefarious scheming? Throwing sex out a window?
Kim: No, how to get Harry to date her without unconditional sex and also without dating her.
Sequoia: Without dating her?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: To get him to date her without dating her?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Great. Yeah. And it will also take weapons grade plutonium, I think.
Kim: No, that's… that's done. That's done.
Sequoia: We're done with that?
Kim: We're moving past that.
Sequoia: No more weapons grade plutonium?
Kim: She's got a new plan.
Sequoia: Oh jeez.
Kim: Plans were tossed around in the mad yet brilliant young woman's mind. It was going to take some refinement, but she had been making a conscious effort to earn exclusive rights to the phrase, “That's just crazy enough that it might work!”
Sequoia: Oh my God. [both laugh]
Kim: I love that sentence.
Sequoia: Oh my God, that's so good.
Kim: Love it.
Sequoia: It's just crazy enough.
Kim: I like… this story's funny. Mr. Lovegood sat back, enjoying all the evil chortling, cackling, and squealing that filled the rest of the rainy afternoon in the Lovegood household. A passage of time. Shortly after N.E.W.T. Potions early in the school year. "Professor Slughorn?" Luna asked once all her classmates had left the room. The Potions professor had been feeling nervous around Miss Lovegood since she had scared a vampire away from his Christmas party the year before.
Sequoia: [laughs] Amazing. Wait, did this story start at the beginning of summer holidays?
Kim: At some point during the summer holidays, yeah.
Sequoia: Okay, I just... I just wanted to make sure.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: This plan has been… has been…
Kim: She's been thinking about this for a while and yeah, she's putting it into motion.
Sequoia: Okay, great.
Kim: Luna insisted it was merely idle conversation, but no one had seen or heard from Sanguini in months. [Sequoia laughs] I love that. So funny. "Miss Lovegood!" he answered with a forced smile. "What can I do for you?" Don't talk to me! [Sequoia laughs] Luna tilted her head to the side and asked, "I have this friend with absolutely dreadful hair. And I was contemplating making a fake memory to persuade her to try a new style. I heard a rumor you were the resident expert on altering memories."
Sequoia: Ahhhh, what?
Kim: ‘Cause he did the thing in the... with the memory, you know?
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Mhm?
Kim: Checks out?
Sequoia: What's she trying to do?
Kim: She's got a plaaaan.
Sequoia: Okay.
Sequoia: "Who told you that?" "The knobgoblins that live in the walls were quite insistent you were the authority."
Sequoia: Hey, what's a knobgoblin?
Kim: [indistinctly] I don't know. [pause] Don't talk to me. [both laugh] "Oh." Professor Slughorn paused uncertainly. "Well, uh..."
Sequoia: Checks out.
Kim: "All right. To craft a memory from scratch requires an imagination beyond most people's ability, but I suppose I could help you refine your memory." "That would be excellent, Sir. Here's what I want to do."
Sequoia: I don't think… oh no. You should not teach a student...
Kim: How to do that.
Sequoia: ...how to do that.
Kim: I mean, Slughorn is known for messing up in this particular area.
Sequoia: That's true.
Kim: Three weeks later, after much tutoring, Luna has finished making her memory. Luna hurried up the stairs to begin the next phase of her current nefarious scheme.
Sequoia: Oh my God. [laughs] I love that it's called a nefarious scheme.
Kim: It is nefarious. She nearly plowed right into her friend as she turned the corner in front of the Great Hall. "Luna!" Ginny cried as she struggled to regain her balance. Luna twisted her body like a ninja, her center of balance never once wavering.
Sequoia: [laughs] What is she?
Kim: I love Luna in this story. What the fuck is happening?
Sequoia: I think she might also be some kind of a trained assassin.
Kim: Yes. "Ginny, have I told you how wonderful your hair looks lately?”
Sequoia: She said from like a cat like position on the ground. [both laugh]
Kim: Ketchewww!
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: "Oh." Ginny said and smiled. "Thank you, it's a new conditioner." "The red suits you quite well," Luna said as she ran her fingers through it. "If I were you, I wouldn't ever change it." "I don't plan to," Ginny assured her.” Nefarious scheme!
Sequoia: What is...? Okay.
Kim: [with emphasis] Nefarious scheme. The pieces that... she's laying down the groundwork...
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: ...for her plan
Sequoia: She needs… she's created a new memory.
Kim: Aha.
Sequoia: Ginny's hair is red.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: Here we go!
Sequoia: Here we go!
Kim: "Excellent," Luna mumbled excitedly, rubbing her hands together. "What?" "Nothing. I'll catch you later, Ginny."
Sequoia: Part of her brilliant nefarious scheme was to make sure Ginny doesn't change her hair color?
Kim: Yes. [pause] Duuuude.
Sequoia: What. The. Fuck. Is. Going. On?
Kim: We're not even part way there yet.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: About a month later, sneaking away on a Hogsmeade weekend.
Sequoia: Jesus Christ.
Kim: Plans move slowly, Sequoia. Best laid plans. [slightly higher, froggy voice] "Well, I'll be an ingrown toenail," the goblin admitted in surprise. [Sequoia laughs] That's a goblin voice, fuck you! "This proves your blood status, and of course no ancient family would ever willingly share blood with an outsider. I would like to thank you for your unorthodox foresight. Most wizards wouldn't think twice about spreading their communicable diseases to goblins. But you were kind enough to gather your blood yourself."
Sequoia: What the fuck?
Kim: "If we're not considerate," Luna said shaking her head, "Then we are no better than a Malfoy."
Sequoia: What?
Kim: Zing!
Sequoia: Zing.
Kim: The plan.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: In motion.
Sequoia: Okay. Ginny's hair is red.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Luna's has got some blood. I don't think it's hers.
Kim: She's got some blood.
Sequoia: She got some blood.
Kim: She's claiming it's hers. [Sequoia laughs] It has proven her... blood status.
Sequoia: Blood status.
Kim: "Now that we've proven your status, what can we do to help you?" Luna continued her carefully constructed deception.
Sequoia: [laughs] I love how this is written.
Kim: "I don't want to make any withdrawals.”
Sequoia: Oooh.
Kim: “But I was hoping I might visit the family vault just to connect with the more personal items of my ancestors." "As long as you're not withdrawing anything, you can go visit right now."
Sequoia: Okay?
Kim: "Muahahahaha," [Sequoia laughing in the background], Luna cackled, unable to hold it in any longer. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Maniacal laugh!
Kim: Maniacal laugh! "Excuse me?" the goblin asked in confusion. "Oh, pardon me,” Luna said, covering her mouth with a blush. "Tickle in my throat."
Sequoia: She was covering her laugh with a cough? [both make coughing noises] I mean...
Kim: Cough, cough. "Very well. And may I, once again, thank you for not endangering us with our admittedly crude methods of drawing blood?"
Sequoia: How can you just trust that it's her blood when she just shows up with some blood?
Kim: ‘Cause… ‘cause no one would willingly share blood. In the wizarding world.
Sequoia: Yeah. I doubt she got it willingly! [both laugh]
Kim: Whatever.
Sequoia: A trained assassin.
Kim: A couple of months later, on Christmas break.
Sequoia: Wait, what the fuck? Did...
Kim: She went down to a vault.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: We're laying the groundwork.
Sequoia: Now it's Christmas break? Man, she has really got… this is a...
Kim: This plan has been like at least four months in the... in the... in the doing.
Sequoia: At least!
Kim: Maybe five.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Six? When do they go back to school? They don't go back to school until September.
Sequoia: Till September, that's true.
Kim: So, she might have... she might have made the plan in August.
Sequoia: But she's, like, very... there's a lot of commitment here.
Kim: Oh, yeah. Luna is not to be messed with.
Sequoia: I like how she was just like, I'm bored and I'm gonna go naked outside into a flesh eating storm. And then instead she plans what is likely to be a year long...
Kim: The greatest heist ever.
Sequoia: ...heist. This is a love heist.
Kim: A love heist! It is a love heist, you duuuude. Here we go. [Sequoia laughs] Things are about to start coming together.
Sequoia: A love heist. Okay, gotcha.
Kim: Harry had been looking forward to his trip down to his family vault...
Sequoia: Ooooookay.
Kim: ...to see if he had any good secret family weapons.
Sequoia: [laughs] This... this is... this is... in my mind this is taking place pre Rise of the Phoenix Lord [Kim starts laughing] and he's gonna go find his swords.
Kim: Shing shing!
Sequoia: Shing shing!
Kim: He had been pleasantly surprised to discover he had a whole separate vault dedicated to centuries of Potter artifacts.
Sequoia: Oooh.
Kim: Shing shing.
Sequoia: Shing shing, baby.
Kim: The sight of enormous mounds of coins off to the side didn't interest Harry, except perhaps to roll around naked in, because who wouldn't want to do that?
Sequoia: ‘Cause he's soooo rich!
Kim: There were various old trunks and shelves full of curious objects that all looked very interesting. He saw piles of books, a few wardrobes of old clothing, a couple of fancy looking swords and daggers, although....
Sequoia: Swords!
Kim: ...none as nice as the Sword of Gryffindor, which he'd appropriated at the start of the school year.
Sequoia: Oh, he just took it.
Kim: That's his now.
Sequoia: Okay, great.
Kim: That's his now.
Sequoia: He appropriated it.
Kim: A couple hours in the Room of Requirement swinging it around like a lunatic, and he'd realized a magical sword was kind of nifty and all, but a bit on the lame side.
Sequoia: Wow, Harry fucking sucks in this story. What a dick.
Kim: He was hoping to find some super secret Potter Crossbow of Doom. [Sequoia laughs] Sword, lame! I want a crossbow!
Sequoia: A crossbow!
Kim: Maybe a poison-tipped dart-shooting belt buckle that responded to mental command...
Sequoia: Yo, shit!
Kim: ...or even just a wand with a pen and a clock built in. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I want a wand with a pen and a clock built in.
Kim: That sounds very... I think that would be, like, the ultimate birthday gift for Hermione.
Sequoia: Oh, absolutely.
Kim: Harry figured there had to be something cool down here. Then something caught his eye.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: He walked over to a seemingly empty corner and began poking it with his wand. [both laugh quietly] That's how he does. Harry realized that this corner of the vault was warded. If the Potter Crossbow of Doom was going to be anywhere…
Sequoia: Anywhere!
Kim: ...it'd probably be hidden back there.
Sequoia: I want there to have been like... like a… a myth or a legend of some kind...
Kim: Of a crossbow? Yeah.
Sequoia: ...about the Potter Crossbow of Doom.
Kim: He's, like, drawing that from somewhere?
Sequoia: Exactly, as opposed to just being like, [exaggerated, pretentious voice] oh, you know, it might be in here! What about a Crossbow of Doom? Hmm? What if I just roll around naked these coins? [Kim laughs] Sounds comfortable!
Kim: [laughs] No. Harry was immediately thankful for all the special training he and Luna had been doing.
Sequoia: Oh, shit!
Kim: She had suggested learning about blood wards. It was not a field of magic anyone should study on their own, considering any time you mess up, which Harry and Luna were prone to doing, you would need someone else to get you out of your own failed ward. The first sight of his blood had made him a bit nervous, considering a certain rebirthing ritual and all.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah!
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Yeah. I don't think I'd want people to just take my blood.
Kim: After that one time that happened?
Sequoia: After that one time.
Kim: And then Voldemort came back? Not great.
Sequoia: Not great.
Kim: Not great.
Sequoia: Umm...
Kim: Look, we're getting somewhere.
Sequoia: That was… that's like a really elaborate way to steal Harry's blood.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Couldn't you just like knock him out?
Kim: Well, so this...
Sequoia: Take some blood.
Kim: There were two purposes to this.
Sequoia: Okay, great. Yeah, because he's got to learn about the thing.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: So that he knows it when he sees it.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And then pokes it with his wand a few times.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: To no avail.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: But now Luna and he had both cut themselves and each other so many times...
Sequoia: Oh my God!
Kim: ...that he never even paused at the use of his blood in magic.
Sequoia: Oh no, that's not good. That's not a good thing.
Kim: [laughing] That's not a good thing at all.
Sequoia: That's not a good thing.
Kim: Blood magic is scary!
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: A couple of diagnostic charms later and Harry realized he wouldn't even have to break the wards on the corner. The area was protected so that only Potters could pass, and even more curiously, it was restricted to the male gender. So there's a blood ward that any male Potter can get through.
Sequoia: Yeah, ‘cause only dudes can wield the Crossbow of Doom or whatever.
Kim: Sure. No. That's not it. Harry cut open his hand and linked himself into the ward. It flickered to reveal a small Pensieve, sitting on a stool with a silvery memory floating in it.
Sequoia: Ooh. Oooh! I see. I see. I see. I see!
Kim: The pieces!
Sequoia: The pieces!
Kim: They're coming together!
Sequoia: They're coming together.
Kim: Shit's about to go down.
Sequoia: Okay! Yeah, I wanna know. I wanna know.
Kim: Shit's about to start poppin’ off!
Sequoia: Yeah! Uh huh!
Kim: Harry's disappointment lasted for a few moments before he swirled the memory and saw a young man he immediately recognized as his dad.
Sequoia: He's like, eh, stupid Pensieve. I wanted a crossbow!
Kim: I mean, he's had some bad luck with those in the past.
Sequoia: He has.
Kim: He's seen some shit.
Sequoia: He has. But you know, he also didn't like his blood being taken and now he just gives his blood to whomever. You want some blood?
Kim: His father must have left this here, and for some reason, he didn't want his mom to know about it. Briefly considering some of the memories of his father that he had seen, Harry was slightly apprehensive.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: But the fact that it was linked to all Potter men indicated he probably wanted Harry to know something. So, with barely a second thought, Harry descended into the memory. Here we go.
Sequoia: Oh, here we go.
Kim: In the memory.
Sequoia: [whispering] In the memory.
Kim: James Potter looked haggard and freaked out. "I'm telling you, she won't leave me alone. She's insane!" [deep, dudeish voice] "Oh, come on, James!" a younger and healthier looking Sirius Black replied.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yes!
Kim: How many voices can I do in one episode? "You know you're just as crazy about her. It's in your blood. Everybody knows Potter men always fall for redheads."
Sequoia: Oh my God.
Kim: "No, they don't. Potter men aren't attracted to redheads any more than anyone else!" James explained hastily.
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh no!
Kim: "It's just that determined, flat chested redheads stalk Potter men. It's like a family curse or something." "Oh, stop it."
Sequoia: Oh my God.
Kim: Sirius shook his head. "Your mom didn't stalk your dad. He's head over heels for her. Besides, Lily has a… well it's least an average chest."
Sequoia: [laughing] No! Noooooo!
Kim: Fucking Sirius.
Sequoia: Sirius!
Kim: "And Dad's not head over heels for Mom. It's love potions! And now I'm telling you, that's what Evans has been doing!"
Sequoia: Oh my God. She's... this is the most elaborate plan to try to get him to think that…
Kim: We're getting there. We're getting there. We're getting there.
Sequoia: Oh my God!
Kim: "Is there a punchline coming soon?" Remus asked, “Because this really isn't that funny."
Sequoia: [laughs] I love Remus.
Kim: I like this. "Try me," James said. "Remus, you can probably smell the potion on my breath. I took it yesterday but she didn't know I had swallowed a bezoar. It didn't counter everything but it sped up the effects. You guys gotta help me."
Sequoia: Oh my God. How did she… this is not… this is an entirely crafted...
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Mmm. Okay.
Kim: Remus moved closer and sniffed James's breath. He turned to Sirius: "I do smell a potion." [exaggerated girlish voice] "James, sweetie!"
Sequoia: Oh, Jesus! Yes! Lilyyyyyy!
Kim: A voice called out from the next room. This is gonna really undercut this.
Sequoia: Oh my God.
Kim: The slim redhead walked into the room. "Is everything all right?"
Sequoia: Oh my God.
Kim: "You guys gotta help me, come on!" James argued in a whisper. "Oh, dear!" Lily said with a soft smile. "I was afraid of this."
Sequoia: [whispers] Oh my God!
Kim: "What?" Remus asked cautiously. Lily shook her head. "I was afraid he might have drunk one of my paranoia potions. I've been working on altering them to smell and taste better so that we can slip them to Death Eaters. I hope it hasn't been too bad for you, sweetie."
Sequoia: Oh my God.
Kim: Lily smiled vindictively, promising him punishment very soon.
Sequoia: Oh my God!
Kim: "Guuuuys," James looked at Sirius and Remus pleading for help.
Sequoia: Oh, no! Ohhh. Oh no.
Kim: "Come along, sweetie," Lily said, pulling James along with her. "I've got an antidote in the other room."
Sequoia: Oh, no, it's not an antidote. It's a love potion. Except this is an entirely crafted memory that never happened.
Kim: Or did it?
Sequoia: Oh my God! Shut up!
Kim: Or did it? James dropped his head sadly and obediently followed, unable to completely fight the effects of the potion still in his system.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: As soon as they reached the next room, Lily cast a privacy charm and shook her head: “What am I going to do with you?" "I won't be taking any more potions from you!" James said, lifting his chin defiantly as best he could. He struggled with the words and said, "There's nothing you can say that will ever make me."
Sequoia: Uh oh.
Kim: “Nothing?" Lily replied, batting her eyelashes. "No, nothing." "I'm pregnant."
Sequoia: Oh no. No!
Kim: Ah, shit!
Sequoia: [whispering] Oh no!
Kim: “Oh, shit.” Got him now.
Sequoia: Oh God.
Kim: Got him!
Sequoia: Oh God.
Kim: "Now, I think we both know what's in the best interests of our son," Lily continued softly. "I think the best thing would be to get married as soon as possible, and for you to drink your potion like a good future husband and father." James exhaled roughly, seeing no alternatives. "You know you don't have any choice, sweetie," Lily said, patting him on the chest. "As soon as you take your potion, you’ll even stop being upset about this. Everyone will be happy and you'll be just like your father."
Sequoia: Wooooow. This is elaborate.
Kim: We're almost there.
Sequoia: This is so elaborate.
Kim: Almost there. We're gonna seal the deal now.
Sequoia: Oh, jeez.
Kim: "Fine," James conceded, taking the potion she handed him. "But you can bet your flat little arse I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure my son doesn't date any redheads!"
Sequoia: Oh my God!
Kim: "Whatever you say, sweetie...”
Sequoia: Oh my God.
Kim: ...Lily agreed.
Sequoia: This is fucking insane.
Kim: So good. James reluctantly swallowed the delicious concoction and let out a loud sigh. He looked over at Lily happily and smiled. "I'm sorry I was so upset with you." "That's okay, sweetie," Lily purred, hugging James back. "Everything will be just fine. And very soon, the royal ginger family will produce a freckled female offspring again. [Sequoia laughs] Once one of those lands a Potter man, the gingers will rise up and rule the world again. Muahahahahahahaaaaaa." [both laugh at length]
Sequoia: [still laughing] What the fuck? What is… what is… what's that…? [Kim laughs harder] Oh my God! Luna’s hobby!
Kim: Luna’s hobby is nefarious schemes.
Sequoia: Nefarious… this is very nefarious!
Kim: It really is! So evil! So excellent!
Sequoia: Wow, so evil!
Kim: Okay, let's wrap it up. Harry fell out of the Pensieve and sat there numbly in disbelief.
Sequoia: You should be! You should be!
Kim: Be a little… be a little sceptical, lil' buddy.
Sequoia: Well, you know he did believe the… the stories about the Potter Crossbow of Doom.
Kim: Yeaaaaah.
Sequoia: So you really can't… yeah, this one's not… not battin’ with a...
Kim: [laughs] Oof. This Harry? Harry's...
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Today’s Harry is a...
Sequoia: Today’s Harry is a few crayons short of a crayon box.
Kim: ...is struggling a little bit. Like, he lost a lot of blood!
Sequoia: [laughs] He has lost a lot of blood, you guys. Hey, want some blood? [both continue laughing]
Kim: I got some blood here!
Sequoia: How about some coins? I don't really want them. [laughter continues]
Kim: It couldn't be true, could it? But it all made so much sense, especially why the memory was here and protected from Potter women. After thinking it over carefully, Harry decided that from that moment on, he would do everything in his power to make sure that his dad was always proud of him. The end!
Sequoia: [screaming] Wait? Woo… the end? Waaah! The end?
Kim: Hahahaaa. Maniacal laugh.
Sequoia: Maniacal laugh! Ummm, what the fuck was that?
Kim: That was...
Sequoia: I just...
Kim: ...Luna’s...
Both: ...Hobby.
Sequoia: Listen. Okay, so here's the thing, Luna. Like, you got this whole nefarious plan, that had to be executed over a span of many many months, and included taking a lot of Harry’s blood. [both laugh] And… and we don't even get… and all you got out of it was he's NOT gonna date Ginny?
Kim: That's enough for Luna. [whispering] That's enough.
Sequoia: Right, ‘cause she can't actually date him or have no strings attached sex with him, sooo...
Kim: Yeah. Yeah, as long as he is not boinking Ginny… you know, fair game!
Sequoia: Wooow.
Kim: Game on! Her and Draco! [Sequoia laughs] Neither of them’s a redhead.
Sequoia: Exactly. Yeah, there could have been more... there could have been more laying the groundwork...
Kim: For the relationship?
Sequoia: ...for Luna. Yeah.
Kim: You know, that's not an important part of the plan.
Sequoia: I… you know what I think?
Kim: What?
Sequoia: I think the story is over, but plan's not done.
Kim: Yeah. Does kinda...
Sequoia: Plan's does not... has not been completed.
Kim: Yeah, yeah.
Sequoia: You know?
Kim: Maybe that's where the plutonium comes in. [laughs]
Sequoia: No, I want to know what the plutonium was for in the first place!
Kim: For whateeever.
Sequoia: A real heist. Instead of a love heist!
Kim: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Sequoia: [singing] Love heist! [both laugh]
Kim: Love heist. Stupid! Yeah, I mean… that is what she did.
Sequoia: And she… she… she exhibited a lot of power, you know? Like this whole blood magic thing.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Very knowledgeable.
Kim: About blood.
Sequoia: Very powerful. Very knowledgeable about blood. I liked how that goblin was just like, yep, this vial of blood that you have given me, everything checks out.
Kim: Thank you for the blood! [both laugh]
Sequoia: The fuck? [audibly draws breath] Wooow. [pause] That was cool!
Kim: Isn't that fun?
Sequoia: That was really fun, I liked that.
Kim: I wanted to do that story so bad.
Sequoia: I liked that a lot.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: I think, you know, we'll just have to find more opportunity for you to use your killer Xenophilius Lovegood voice.
Kim: Wowyzowy, that one's never coming baaaaack.
Sequoia: That was really good and I think that we should bring it back as soon as possible. Really!
Kim: [sighs] So… I… I just. That was not… like, it went somewhere?
Sequoia: You… you made a decision.
Kim: It went somewhere and I couldn't control it. [chuckles]
Sequoia: Couldn't reel it in.
Kim: Couldn't reel it in! I don't know.
Sequoia: Could not get that under control.
Kim: I don't really... I couldn't tell you where it went. Ugh somebody help me!
Sequoia: [sighing] Whaaat. Man. [laughing] Maybe you've lost a lot of blood. [Kim laughs] Have you been doing blood magic?
Kim: When haven't I been doing blood magic?
Sequoia: Oh my God. I just… my brain is so full of things.
Kim: [whispering] Oh yeah.
Sequoia: Then what is Xenophilius? Xenophilius can't possibly be actually running The Quibbler. He's an assassin, too.
Kim: Mmmm, you think?
Sequoia: I think he's got some shit going on as well.
Kim: You think he's the one that trained her?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: She didn't just like spring into being like this?
Sequoia: Yeah, ‘cause he's like, oh, my good old daughter up there cackling and maniacal laughing and…
Kim: I mean...
Sequoia: ...making up a little scheme, a little plot to do a love heist. Because he was literally like, do something nice for someone you got a crush on, but don't date them and don't have sex with them. [Kim snorts] Like what was… what was supposed to...? Like, what was the… what was the point?
Kim: I love the part where she… where she like, doesn't fall over and she twists around like a ninja.
Sequoia: Like a ninja, yeah. This is like... [laughs]
Kim: So weird, I love it! Who is Luna today?
Sequoia: She's... [Kim laughs] teaching Harry the ways of the assassin. After he fell out of the Pensieve, he found his two swords. Shing shing.
Kim: Mhm. Luna wasn't in that story, was it? That was an older one.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: [sighs] Wow.
Sequoia: Oh man. Oh man.
Kim: Yeah, ummmm.
Sequoia: Luna's gotta call up Death's secretary at some point.
Kim: Yeah, right?
Sequoia: This Luna fits very well into our established podcast canon.
Kim: [laughing] Does she?
Sequoia: She does! This fits very well!
Kim: Do you mean into the Pocket Change canon or our f… our canon?
Sequoia: Our canon! All of it!
Kim: ‘Cause our canon is a disaster.
Sequoia: If...
Kim: I’ve realized upon reading through the lists.
Sequoia: Did you also read that… that Rebecca sent us like a paragraph format of it?
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Where it's all put together as though it were one story?
Kim: Oh no. No, I didn't read that. That's gotta...
Sequoia: We're gon... we're gonna put that… we’re gonna put it on the website or something.
Kim: Yeah, that has to go out somewhere.
Sequoia: Because it needs to be... you all need to understand what we've done. [Kim snorts] By just willy nilly sort of saying...
Kim: Some… some poop garbage.
Sequoia: Saying some trash and then being like, canon!
Kim: Canon! Greg's gonna be as big as the sun! Canon! [Sequoia laughs] Stupid.
Sequoia: As big as the sun! And you know what's canon?
Kim: What?
Sequoia: The Luna from this story! [laughs]
Kim: Noooooo.
Sequoia: Adding it to the canon.
Kim: Yeah, all right. Fine, there it is.
Sequoia: Because it fits so well in an already very well formatted canon.
Kim: [mumbling] All right, where we're at?
Sequoia: What?
Kim: Where we're at?
Sequoia: Oh, we gotta recap the predictions.
Kim: Oh. Would you count your first prediction as coming true?
Sequoia: I'd say...
Kim: We got a… we got a mention of it? But it was not like...
Sequoia: But it was not, like, featured.
Kim: Featured in the story.
Sequoia: I would say that that does not count.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: I did not get any points.
Kim: Luna and Ginny did run into each other meet-cute style, but neither of them fell down.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: So that I also would say no.
Sequoia: I would say no, I would say it was close.
Kim: And part of the story did take place at Hogwarts.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: So.
Sequoia: Close but no cigar.
Kim: If you'd said run into each other meet-cute style.
Sequoia: [sighs] Almost.
Kim: Close.
Sequoia: I was so close, fam. Okay, so I did not get any points but that’s fine ‘cause I'm so...
Kim: I held you off for another episode.
Sequoia: Yeah! We'll see!
Kim: [fake laugh] Help me!
Sequoia: We'll see… hehe [laughs] I guess it' s time for... [draws breath]
Both: Quick ficssssssss!
Sequoia: What if we do that different every time? It's so good.
Kim: We have been!
Sequoia: So, my quick fic today is called Things That Happen in the Broom Shed and it's an entire...
Kim: Wha… wha… no! No! [laughs] We can't talk about the broom shed!
Sequoia: It's an entire story written from the point of view of the broom shed!
Kim: [squeals uncomfortably] I feel like there are a lot of listeners that are like… get upset whenever they hear “broom shed.”
Sequoia: Exactly. And I think that this is why it stuck out to me so much. [Kim laughs] Because in a Harry Potter world where the broom shed is sentient… seen some shit!
Kim: Wow. Wow. That's not great.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: So.
Sequoia: Many people enter the… the broom shed and have conversations and then leave, that really, like, have no business taking...
Both: …place in a broom shed.
Sequoia: Mr. Weasley and Dumbledore.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: And Professor Snape.
Kim: Nope? Nope? [Sequoia laughs] That would happen in Dumbledore's office, good try.
Sequoia: They meet up in the broom shed.
Kim: To make out!
Sequoia: Aaaand [Kim laughs] they talk about how they suspect that the Dark Lord is controlling Fudge. Cornelius Fudge.
Kim: That's fucking weird.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And then Pansy is hiding in there and Draco is hiding in there and they overhear this conversation.
Kim: Were they making out? Who was making out?
Sequoia: They were not making out. Ron and Hermione make out in... [Kim snorts] in the broom shed in this story.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: But there's a ball happening that the broom shed can see, because the ball takes place outside by the broom shed. [both laugh]
Kim: What is this story?
Sequoia: And there's a girl named Yvonne, and Lesley, and they're Cho’s friends, and Cho talks about...
Kim: And they make out in the broom shed?
Sequoia: No! They talk about how one of them wants to make out with Dennis Creevey. [laughs]
Kim: I'm sorry, wwwwhat?
Sequoia: And it's very weird.
Kim: They're, like, five years older than Dennis!
Sequoia: Aaaand Harry's like, yeah, I'm going to this dance with Cho. Because they leave and then Harry, Ron, and Hermione show up the broom shed and talk about how Harry's gonna g… [laughs]
Kim: Harry's gonna what?
Sequoia: Harry's gonna go to this dance with Cho.
Kim: Is the dance...
Sequoia: The dance is taking place outside the broom shed.
Kim: ...really happening?
Sequoia: Yeah. And then Ron and Hermione… he leaves and Ron and Hermione make out, and then the broom shed's like, I knew those two were meant to be together. [both laugh loudly]
Kim: Wooow.
Sequoia: Anyway, so...
Kim: What happens with Draco and Pansy overhearing a conversation like that? Nothing?
Sequoia: Nothing.
Kim: Gooood.
Sequoia: They talk about... Dean and Seamus talk about… come into the broom shed and they don't make out which is just really upsetting!
Kim: WHAT?
Sequoia: [laughing] And then they talk about how Trelawney is like following Snape around, trying to get him to dance with her?
Kim: Get him to make out with her in the broom shed?
Sequoia: Yeah, in the broom shed.
Kim: Uh huhhhh.
Sequoia: And then… then that's like basically it.
Kim: Great… I guess.
Sequoia: Yeah. There we go, I found that. That's my quick fic.
Kim: Wow, what? [both laugh] That wasn't terribly quick either!
Sequoia: [laughs] No! There’s a… that's a weird one. There you go. I found that for you.
Kim: Thaaanks.
Sequoia: Welcome to the...
Both: ...rec zone! Pew pew pew pewwwww!
Sequoia: Pewwwwww!
Kim: Today, I'm gonna be recommending a nice Marauders story because of what I did.
Sequoia: Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Kim: This one's called, Daddy Padfoot? and it's a cute story about Sirius pranking new dad James.
Sequoia: Awww.
Kim: So that will be up in the description of this episode along with on our...
Sequoia: Website!
Kim: www.fanaticalfics.com!
Sequoia: You can also find our story submission form on our website. Send us all your favorite fanfictions.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: We will read them sometime within the next...
Kim: I don't… I'm not feeling really defeated...
Sequoia: ...fifty years.
Kim: I'm not… I'm not looking at the multiple hundreds of thousands word long fics that you keep sending me!
Sequoia: We will read those, we just are reading the shorter ones first. But do send them to us! We want them! We still want them!
Kim: They don't make me nervous every time they come in.
Sequoia: They don't make me… yeah, my heart doesn't just like, speed up. It's fine. Also on our website, you can find all of our merchandise.
Kim: Yep. [pause] There it is.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: It's cool!
Sequoia: You are so good at selling our merchandise, I should just... I should let you do it every time. [Kim laughs] If you want to tweet at us...
Kim: We have social media accounts that you can do that to… at… about.
Sequoia: [laughs] We have Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram @FanaticalFics, and if you have any longer thoughts or would like to write out our canon in an entire story format, our email is fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Kim: Do that!
Sequoia: Do that, everyone.
Kim: Continue to do that! If you enjoy this podcast and you'd like to help out this podcast, there are a few ways you can help out this podcast!
Sequoia: Leave us a review on iTunes or Facebook, we'll shout you out at the top of the episode. Shout out!
Kim: [sings] Shout out!
Sequoia: Yes! [both laugh] Every time you sing, it's like I… it's like I have… it's a victory for me!
Kim: Fuck! I feel like it's more pain for everyone.
Sequoia: It is! [both laugh]
Kim: Trick your friends into listening to our podcast.
Sequoia: Trick your friends 2019! We have a Patreon, where you can support the podcast, get some merch, do...
Kim: Check out some bonus audio content, bonus...
Both: ...written content.
Kim: I guess. There's no [laughs] new stuff on there.
Sequoia: We're getting… we're getting there.
Kim: Maaan. Oh, man.
Sequoia: Listen, we… we… you know who we are. Thank you.
Kim: We love you all! Thank you for listening!
Sequoia: Thanks to the Whomping Willows for our theme song. It is their amazing song Wolfstar.
Both: BYE!