Episode 28: Acronyms/F*** Sandwich
We’re back on that two fic game! We had to “star out” a word in this title. Need we say more? This episode contains explicit language, but not explicit content. This podcast is not suitable for children. Ever.
Recommendation: Courtship, Wooing, and Other Such Nonsense
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/1577046/1/Courtship-Wooing-and-Other-Such-Nonsense
Kim: Why do you think it is, that pureblood families aren’t, like... you know that quiverfull thing where they all have like twenty kids?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Why aren’t they all doing that?
Sequoia: [pause] Right? Okay, so. [Kim laughs] Here’s the thing though.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: I feel like there would just be, like, more inbreeding. Like the inbreeding would be worse.
Kim: Really?
Sequoia: Yeah, like if they all had a million kids. Isn’t that…?
Kim: But then... then you would have more kids to intermarry and you could... because they’re so worried about the pureblood lines dying out and then the Malfoys have one kid.
Sequoia: Right, but they…
Kim: You wanna hedge your bets! [laughs]
Sequoia: The... the... the... all the kids would have had to have started, like, up high in the tree, you know? Like they would have had to been doing that for a long time.
Kim: I don’t know. I feel like you could kind of...
Sequoia: In order for it... inbreeding...
Kim: Repopulate again. And they make fun of the Weasleys for it so much. Like, oh, the Weasleys havin’ so many kids. Like, you should all be having that many kids!
Sequoia: I guess, yeah, especially the Malfoys since they’re like fuckin’ rich as shit. Yeah.
Kim: Right? They have the money. Why don’t you have like twenty kids?
Sequoia: [long pause] Twenty? Malfoys.
Kim: [chuckles] Yeah. [Sequoia laughs] Oh, Jesus. Okay I regret saying it already.
Sequoia: There we go.
Kim: But I wanna read that.
Sequoia: Twenty Malfoys. Somebody write it. [Kim laughs]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I’m Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I’m Kim!
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find ‘Em.
Kim: It’s our podcast about Harry Potter fanfiction!
Sequoia: [singing] Welcome to the show!
Kim: [laughs] So we had our... a... [laughs] this is so weird to me. Our anniversary episode last time.
Sequoia: It was our anniversary.
Kim: And we thought we would celebrate with something super different. If any of you made it through, that’s awesome.
Sequoia: Yeah, let us know if you made it through the whole thing. We wanna know. We wanna know who actually listened to it.
Kim: If anyone... well, we know a couple people who have listened to it. So...
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Thanks for letting us know, those of you that did. It’s nice to know that anyone listened to it!
Sequoia: Right? Yeah. It was a bit much. So we’re back... we’re back on our regular fanfiction thing.
Kim: Regularly scheduled programme
Sequoia: Programming.
Kim: Sure. And we thought that since it’s been a year, we would kinda touch bases with all of you. Give kind of a summary of who we are, what we’re doing.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: In case anybody’s jumping in here.
Sequoia: Here we go.
Kim: It’s been a while since we’ve talked about what we do, I guess.
Sequoia: Exactly. It has. And the one episode where we did talk about what we do, we sort of…
Kim: Have been telling people to skip!
Sequoia: Yeah. ‘Cause it’s...
Kim: That first episode.
Sequoia: Yeah. So [Kim laughs] we thought it would be a good time, year anniversary. We’re gonna just go through a little bit of like what we’re doing.
Kim: What’s up!
Sequoia: How we pick our fics.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: What are we… what is it? What is this?
Kim: What is this thing? [pause] That we are doing. Well, you know...
Sequoia: [whispering] I don’t know what it is we are doing.
Kim: It’s a… podcast.
Sequoia: It’s a podcast. It’s an audio format. [Kim laughs] Okay, great. Well, first off...
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: We started this podcast because we love fanfiction.
Kim: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I think that’s probably the most important thing.
Sequoia: It is.
Kim: We both have loved fanfiction a long time. We love Harry Potter, also.
Sequoia: Yes. We LOVE Harry Potter.
Kim: Love Harry Potter a very long time. Fanfiction is awesome.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Um.
Sequoia: We did a lot of... when we used to live together, we would read fanfiction aloud to each other, to our friends, in our blanket fort, in our living room. [Kim laughs] And that was SO fun.
Kim: Yeah, it kind of kicked off a big nostalgia thing for me. ‘Cause I hadn’t, like, looked at fanfiction in a REALLY long time before we did that.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah, neither had I.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: It had been a few years.
Kim: Yeah, and I was like, man, I really like reading these this crazy shit.
Sequoia: It’s amazing! Yeah, and we had kind of joked about having a podcast for a while.
Kim: I mean, I think everyone does.
Sequoia: Everyone. Let’s have a podcast! What would our podcast be? Rawr.
Kim: [laughs] Yeah.
Sequoia: You know? So it really grew out of that love of fanfiction, a nostalgia factor. You know.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: There’s this time period that we’re sort of trying to harness on this podcast, which is...
Kim: Yeah, we... we don’t have a lot of restrictions going into like, what stories we’re gonna pick. I mean we’re obviously selecting ones that we think are funny and will work, and so we’re selecting that way. But we’re also... we’ve been keeping ourselves to... restricted to stories that were published before book seven came out. Which was happenly… by happenstance, ten years exactly before when we started the podcast last year.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: So we were like, ten years. That seems like a good amount of time to put some space between the person that’s written it, and maybe...
Sequoia: Ten years seemed like a good amount of time for, you know, like, the nostalgia factor to kick in. About...
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: ...certain fanfictions, you know. And especially for myself. We did a lot of talking about it and, like, I wrote a lot of fanfiction ten plus years ago.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: And less than ten years ago. [Kim laughs] So you know, like, what… at what point are you like yeah, that that thing I wrote was real silly? [both laugh]
Kim: Yeah. So we thought we would check both of those boxes off, and...
Sequoia: That’s just, like, what a... what a great time for fanfiction.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: You know?
Kim: When you didn’t know how the books were going to end.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: And you could just kind of write some weird nonsense.
Sequoia: And it’s not as though like... fanfiction after the seventh book came out is also really cool. There’s a lot of like...
Kim: Oh, for sure!
Sequoia: ...really interesting ideas that come up...
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: ...and stuff. But I think that, you know, when we started out this podcast we were really specifically looking at this time period where, you know, we’re so excited about these books and, you know, we don’t know what’s going to happen, and we’re so excited for the next one to come out, and, like...
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: Let’s read some fanfiction.
Kim: Who’s going to end up together?
Sequoia: Oh Yeah!
Kim: I think it’s gonna be Harry and Draco.
Sequoia: Harry and Draco for life!
Kim: [laughs] And... yeah!
Sequoia: Yeah! So we just wanted to recap that for y’all a little bit.
Kim: Yeah, kinda who we are, what we’re doing. That’s our DEAL!
Sequoia: That’s it. That’s it. So now that we’ve come upon our one year anniversary, we did… I… we did get ourselves a present. We made ourselves a present.
Kim: Oh yeah!
Sequoia: Yeah. We have a website now. Which is really exciting for several reasons. And one our… one of the most important reasons, in our opinion...
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: ...is that it has a full list of all of our recommendations.
Kim: Yeah. They’re in one spot now! So.
Sequoia: Yeah. You don’t have to go through every episode description.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Or anything like that. They are all conveniently listed for you to read all of them. [laughs]
Kim: Our website is fanaticalfics.com.
Sequoia: Yeah! Easy peasy.
Kim: So go look at that and read our recs!
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: And let us know what you think.
Sequoia: Mhm. For sure. For sure.
Kim: Yeah! We’re always looking for, maybe suggestions like, oh we want more of this.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Can you recommend something like this?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Let us know if you’re looking for something.
Sequoia: Or you got a favorite pairing, or something like that. We’ll find you... we’ll find it for you.
Kim: We’ve read some stuff.
Sequoia: We’ve read lots of stuff. [Kim laughs] Some stuff is an understatement of… of epic proportions.
Kim: All right, we got some business to get out of the way before we jump into the whatever I’ve found.
Sequoia: Ahhhh, I’m stoked.
Kim: So we’ve got some new reviews!
Sequoia: Yes! We’ve got lots of new reviews.
Kim: Woohoo!
Sequoia: I’m so excited. Usually we’re like, yeah, this is the part where we would… shout out to reviews.
Kim: I mean, it’s been... it’s... it’s been a while since...
Both: ...we’ve recorded.
Sequoia: That’s true.
Kim: Since we banked all those episodes before we left the country and tried to get away from each other.
Sequoia: Right, yes.
Kim: It didn’t work.
Sequoia: Right. No, it didn’t.
Kim: We’re both back.
Sequoia: We’re here.
Kim: Here we are. [both laugh]
Sequoia: So we got two new reviews on Facebook, so Imma shout out real quick to Rebecca Hawkes and Sean Grundy, who both really like our podcast. And one of them is having withdrawals [Kim laughs] and the other one listened all the way from Los Angeles to San Francisco.
Kim: Like a marathon?!
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Oh, scary.
Sequoia: Awesome.
Kim: I don’t think I could handle that much of us, myself.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah. So thanks so much for listening to our podcast. You guys are great.
Kim: We also got some reviews on iTunes, so shoutout to Lolohipp0.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Alexisrenej, whose review mentions that they are beating Sequoia in score. [both laugh] So that’s awesome.
Sequoia: I know you, Alexis. I’m lookin at you. I’m...
Kim: Yes? It’s really not that hard. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh, man.
Kim: And also shoutout to Jakelyn Alice.
Sequoia: Thank you!
Kim: Thank you so much for those reviews!
Sequoia: [singing] So much! For the reviews! Thank you so much for the reviews.
Kim: We really appreciate them. It’s really helpful for us finding new listeners, so keep those coming and we will keep saying your names.
Sequoia: [singing “Say my Name”] Say my name, say my name. [Kim laughs raucously] Yeah? We’re doin’... we’re doin’… okay. Maybe I’m done with that now.
Kim: [laughing] Oh my gosh…
Sequoia: [laughs] No? Okay. So… everyone. This is the time. Where we read fanfiction. [Kim laughs] You’ve gotten here. [both laugh] You’ve gotten through our babbling, our ten minutes of babbling. And now, [singing] we’re gonna read some fanfictions!
Kim: Yes we are. I think I’m gonna start with... I’ve got two stories for us today.
Sequoia: Oh man, it’s almost like a throwback. To two stories.
Kim: It is, kind of. We haven’t… we haven’t done that in a while. So I’m gonna do that.
Sequoia: We’re gonna do it. [Kim laughs] Great.
Kim: Okay. Cool. So I’m gonna start out with a story.
Sequoia: Oh, that means I have the opportunity for six points today.
Kim: Yeah, you do!
Sequoia: Which means I might get… one. [both laugh] Great.
Kim: Oh, I should have talked to you about this before, but one of our listeners felt like it was unfair how many points they’re getting, because they get one point... they get point-portunities every episode.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Whereas we only get ‘em every other episode.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah.
Kim: So they were saying maybe we should only give our listeners half points, but...
Sequoia: You know what?
Kim: You know.
Sequoia: You guys deserve...
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: ...every point you get.
Kim: You... you do.
Sequoia: So.
Kim: Don’t feel bad about beating us at our own game, because we’re really bad at it.
Sequoia: We’re not good at it.
Kim: We’re just bad at it.
Sequoia: Just…
Kim: So...
Sequoia: ...failing.
Kim: ...keep track of your scores, and tell us about them, and rub it in our faces.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: We deserve it. [both laugh] So...
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: ...everyone. [Sequoia squeals] Listeners and Sequoia, give us your predictions for Acronyms, a humor and romance story.
Sequoia: Fuckin’... okay, so here’s the thing. We haven’t done Draco in MONTHS. So I... and we’ve had… we’ve had conversations about like, oh my god, it’s been months since we’ve done Draco and what is happening to us? We love him. So my prediction is that it’s going to be a Draco story.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: And if that’s not right, I am going to predict that for the next one as well. [Kim laughs] Just FYI.
Kim: Do you want to guess the pairing? Just Draco.
Sequoia: Just Draco.
Kim: I don’t know that that’s enough.
Sequoia: Draco is going to be the main character in it. Is that good?
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: ‘Kay. It’s going to take place during… let’s see, when did they…? During fifth year. And it’s going to involve an organization or a club at Hogwarts… and… their acronym.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: There we go.
Kim: Those are great.
Sequoia: I tried. I did try.
Kim: No, those are… those are fine. Those are... I don’t know about that first one. Whatever. Fine. Whatever. Fine.
Sequoia: We’ve made predictions like that before! Many times!
Kim: Right, but not usually for romance stories. Usually for romance we pick a pairing. Whatever.
Sequoia: It’s fine. Fucking fine. It’s Draco… slash Harry.
Kim: Great. [laughs]
Sequoia: Ughhh. I hate you.
Kim: Great. All right.
Sequoia: Costing me points over here.
Kim: Everybody ready? Let’s do this thing.
Sequoia: Oh, make sure that you tweet your predictions at us, and when you tweet them, use the hashtag #FanficDivination, and then it will show up on our website.
Kim: Website!
Sequoia: Whoo!
Kim: Cool. So send those to us, and away…
Both: ...we go. [both laugh]
Kim: [pause] "Lump of venomous elephant yolk!” “Odoriferous underarms!" [Sequoia laughs] The shout rang through the air, and the Great Hall went silent. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Odoriferous?
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Underarms.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: Sure?
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: All right. Yep, it was another of their famous fights.
Sequoia: Oh, man. [singing] Who’s it gonna be with?
Kim: Harry Potter...
Sequoia: YES! Yes!
Kim: ...and Draco Malfoy...
Sequoia: Yes! Yes.
Kim: [laughs] ...had been at each other's throats ever since their first year, steady enemies since first sighted on the train. Lately, as in the past year or so, though, their insults had gotten a little... strange. [laughs]
Sequoia: Well, you run out of stuff after a while.
Kim: Yeah. Yes.
Sequoia: You gotta get creative.
Kim: Yes. Do you?
Sequoia: Odoriferous underarms.
Kim: I mean, in the books, what does Malfoy ever say? [nasal voice] You’re poor! [Sequoia laughs] Your dad’s dead!
Sequoia: Yep. That’s it.
Kim: That’s all he ever does!
Sequoia: That’s all.
Kim: It’s not like he ever gets creative.
Sequoia: I like this story already.
Kim: Good. Sometimes they would go on long strings of random insults that made no sense as a whole. They would just sit and scream nonsensically [Sequoia laughs] at each other for hours on end, at times. [laughs]
Sequoia: Amazing! Amazing.
Kim: Oh, just... string of words.
Sequoia: I love it.
Kim: Does that sound right?
Sequoia: [laughing] Yes! Yes, this is great!
Kim: Whispered theories in the halls helped none. Some said they were just running out of things to say, as one tends to do after six years. Creative insults were running low, so they just spat irrational insults to one another in hopes that things would stay fresh.
Sequoia: [laughs] No, I think they’re speaking in code.
Kim: [laughing] Ohhh, d’you think?
Sequoia: I think they’re speaking in code. Odoriferous underarms really means.... I love you.
Kim: Ohhhhh. [Sequoia laughs] Oh, you think? You think that’s what that means?
Sequoia: Code.
Kim: I guess we will see. When I keep reading.
Sequoia: Yup.
Kim: Another idea was that they had both finally gone mad from hate. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: Just fuckin’ snapped. Both of them.
Sequoia: So… yeah. I buy that.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: More than the first one.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: You don’t think they’re just tryna keep it fresh after a long time? Keep things spicy?
Sequoia: No. They just hate each other so much that they... they’re broken.
Kim: [laughing] Sure. This made a little more sense. They’d been seen simply STARING at each other for hours in Potions and Care of Magical Creatures.
Sequoia: [laughing] No, they’re IN. LOVE.
Kim: [laughing] Just staring… just staring at each other. Think there are any particular expressions on their faces when they’re staring? Just slack jawed, vacant eyes, just...
Sequoia: No. I imagine just like a little anime character with hearts in its eyes. [laughs]
Kim: [snorts] That would be really obvious, though! You think the other students would notice that they were, like, heart-eyed.
Sequoia: No! No.
Kim: No? ‘Cause no one expects it?
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Oh, okay, okay, okay. Also, sometimes, they would ask to be excused to the loo in class, and neither would come back for ages.
Sequoia: Oh! My! God! Is everyone stupid?
Kim: When they finally did return, they would be horribly disheveled.
Sequoia: Oh my god! Everyone! Be! Better!
Kim: Also, odd marks appeared a few times on their necks. [laughs] The other students assumed these were the after effects of attempted strangling, and went about their business.
Sequoia: Yeah! I was right!
Kim: I mean they could be. They could be attempted strangling, am I right? Am I right?
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: Get it?
Sequoia: [laughs] I was correct. All the students are dumb.
Kim: I mean…
Sequoia: Who would… they don’t... who would suspect?
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: They’re like, obviously this must be strangulation. And not getting it on in the fuckin’...
Kim: Bathroom.
Sequoia: ...bathroom.
Kim: Which bathroom? I bet it’s Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom.
Sequoia: [groaning] Ohhh.
Kim: Every time.
Sequoia: Every bathroom is Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom, if she really wants it to be. [laughs]
Kim: If Harry and Draco are making out in the bathroom, Myrtle’s there.
Sequoia: She is present.
Kim: [laughs] Gross. There were many other opinions of what might have caused such odd behaviors, but it would be terribly wearisome to list them all here.
Sequoia: Hmm, yes. Yes it would.
Kim: The point is, our beloved Boy Who Lived and our favorite silvery haired Slytherin had become quite odd, and nobody knew why.
Sequoia: Get. It. Together. Hogwarts.
Kim: Everyone.
Sequoia: Fuckin’ come on.
Kim: Well, almost nobody.
Sequoia: Oh, who knows? Is it Hermione? She’s smarter than everyone.
Kim: She is. Hermione scribbled down Draco's shouted insults in list format on a spare piece of parchment. “Lump Of Venomous Elephant Yolk…”
Sequoia: YES!
Kim: “Odoriferous Underarms...”
Sequoia: Yes!
Kim: ...was the result. Hermione giggled, finding the hidden message of, “Love you…”
Sequoia: [shouting] Yes, I was right! [Kim laughs] Yeeesss!
Kim: ...in the first letters of all the words.
Sequoia: Oh, man. Imma just give myself a little pat on the back real quick here. Little... just a little...
Kim: She’s doing it.
Sequoia: Oh, here we go.
Kim: Here goes the hand.
Sequoia: Here we go. Pat!
Kim: And it’s inching... oh, look at you!
Sequoia: Pat!
Kim: You figured out the story while I was reading it.
Sequoia: Pat! [deep sigh] Fine, whatever! Keep reading! [Kim laughs]
Kim: "Ludicrous oaf! Vindictive, evil, yum… uhh, yucky outhouse underwear! Totally obsolete.. um... obesity!"
Sequoia: [pause] Love you too!
Kim: Hermione scribbled Harry's reply, “Love you too.” She had figured out their system a little after they had first started it. Ron had been feeling ill and had asked her to write down some of the more interesting insults for him to look over. He had been concerned at the time, since Harry would always just loudly change the topic whenever asked about it.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh, I love that.
Kim: Harry... what? What’s up with the... what about that weather? [Sequoia laughs] Ron?
Sequoia: Uhh, Chudley Cannons! Uhh…
Kim: That would work.
Sequoia: Yeah. [both laugh]
Kim: Ron’s dumb. [Sequoia laughs] Hermione remembered that day, three months ago, when she had looked over the notes she had taken, and realized the pattern in the words was, in actuality, Draco asking Harry if he was free for a snog underneath the Entrance Hall stairs after Potions.
Sequoia: That is so much nonsensical screaming to be had.
Kim: Right, like a giant paragraph of words. [both laugh] And Harry’s not very good at it.
Sequoia: No. So I would assume that it would be very difficult for Harry to also, like, pick up on it. Like, there would be like a paragraph...
Kim: I guess if they... they came up with it together. For sure.
Sequoia: Right, no, but I mean if Draco’s like this whole paragraph of things and then Harry’s like, I have fucking no idea what you just said.
Kim: Yeah, I wasn’t tracking... [mumbles] I wasn’t… uhhhhuuuuhh.
Sequoia: Harry gets out a piece of paper and starts scribbling down the insults and everyone’s like, what the fuck is going on?
Kim: I mean, they’re acting really weird. I don’t know that that’s any more weird.
Sequoia: [laughs] Uhhh… maybe? I think... I think it is. I think it is.
Kim: [laughing] Oh, he’s just like sitting there like, L… O… V...
Sequoia: Counting out on his fingers, and quizzical expression.
Kim: Could you repeat that last bit? After she regained consciousness…
Sequoia: [erupts in laughter] That’s my favorite part of part of Harry Potter fanfics.
Kim: When Hermione faints?
Sequoia: No, when people find out about Harry and Draco [Kim laughs] and have some kind of like over the top reaction to it.
Kim: [laughs] Like whooaaaoaooaoaoaa [Sequoia joins in] oooaoaooaoa?
Sequoia: They faint, they throw up, they you know. [Kim makes retching sound] Yeah.
Kim: Faint and throw up. [Sequoia laughs] Well, you’ll get another good one in a bit.
Sequoia: Yass!! Ronald.
Kim: After she regained consciousness, she thought about it for a while and realized it was quite clever, and decided to keep their secret. For now.
Sequoia: Oh, shit.
Kim: "There they go. At it again," [Sequoia laughs] Dean Thomas muttered to Seamus Finnigan from across from Hermione. "Weirdos. Woah, look at Dumbledore." Hermione discreetly peered at the headmaster out of the corner of her eye, sipping some pumpkin juice to disguise the fact. Why does she feel like she needs to disguise that?
Sequoia: Yeah, somebody’s like, hey, look at Dumbledore...
Kim: Hermione’s like, hmmmm?
Sequoia: ...within her earshot, and she’s like, what? I don’t know. I’m not listening to anyone say anything or writing down anything that anyone says.
Kim: [laughs] Hermione!
Sequoia: Why would I be doing that?
Kim: What’s wrong with you?
Sequoia: She’s trying to keep their secret or something. Or something.
Kim: She’s really bad at it. She’s… okay, she’s looking at Dumbledore. He was smiling pleasantly at Harry and Draco.
Sequoia: [pause] Because he’s Dumbledore, so obviously automatically he’s like, that just says, “Love you too!”
Kim: [laughs] Yeah. "He looks like he's enjoying this. Why doesn't he ever break them up?" Dean asked. Seamus shrugged. [laughs] I’m gonna do it.
Sequoia: You’re gonna do it?
Kim: I’m gonna try.
Sequoia: All right.
Kim: If anyone doesn’t like this, let us know and I won’t ever do it again. But I’m gonna try. [high pitched attempt at an Irish accent] "Well, I always thought he…”
Sequoia: [erupts in laughter] Jesus! Wait, can I make it stop?
Kim: [laughs] All right, fine.
Sequoia: Never again. [laughs]
Kim: Damnit! I’ve been... I haven’t been practising. I was gonna try to... nope. I just... “Well, I always thought he was a bit nutters. And you know what they say. Queer birds flock together." Hermione choked slightly, [Sequoia laughs, Kim imitates a coughing sound] coughing into her cup. "Limping in briar rabbit asshole retch yoghurt!" [Sequoia laughs uncontrollably]
Sequoia: [laughing uncontrollably] Oh my god!
Kim: Oh my god. “Library.” "You eat slime, Malfoy!" “Yes'm.” [both laugh]
Sequoia: Excellent.
Kim: Harry leapt from his chair at the exact moment Malfoy did, and Hermione snickered as the two ran off, chasing each other. Gross.
Sequoia: They’re being… not covert.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: I would think that you yell at each other, library, and then you say, yes’m, and then ONE of you gets up to go to the library. [Kim laughs] You know?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Guys.
Kim: [laughs] They’re not worried about it. They think they’re so clever, that no one could ever figure it out.
Sequoia: Great. Great. Sure.
Kim: Ron looked at Hermione oddly. "What're you laughing about, Herm?"
Sequoia: Noooo. Noooo.
Kim: [laughing] It’s the best.
Sequoia: Nooooo.
Kim: Give me more Hermione nicknames. [Sequoia laughs] Hermione giggled some more, mumbling, "Acronyms," before going back to her dinner.
Sequoia: Yeah, that’s...
Kim: I don’t think she’s doin’ a good job keeping their secret.
Sequoia: No, I think that’s a normal thing. I think that if Hermione said that I would be like, yeah, checks out.
Kim: [laughs] "Acronyms." Ron thought about that. And thought. And thought.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Everyone finished eating and ambled to their respective dormitories, but still Ron sat, and thought, long into the night.
Sequoia: Hmmm. Oh my god.
Kim: Just sittin’ in the Great Hall by yourself.
Sequoia: You’d think at one point someone would come by and be like, you need to...
Kim: You can’t be here. I’m a prefect. [Sequoia laughs] As dawn crept across the horizon, a bloodcurdling scream echoed throughout Hogwarts.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: Then silence. The only other sound in the whole school was muffled giggling coming from the library. The end.
Sequoia: [laughs] That’s the end! He figured it out.
Kim: He... [laughs] he did.
Sequoia: It took him a while.
Kim: It took him, like, ten hours.
Sequoia: They were in the library for a LONG time.
Kim: They were. Gross.
Sequoia: Gross. Oh, man.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: That... is great.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: [singing] That was great, I loved it.
Kim: Oh, yeah. Oh yeah. Good. I’m glad you enjoyed that. You got a point.
Sequoia: I did! Harry/Draco!
Kim: Yup. Nice work.
Sequoia: We’re back. We’re back on that Harry/Draco shit. Yeah.
Kim: Oh, yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah.
Kim: So there’s our first story. I liked it. I thought it was really funny.
Sequoia: It’s so… that was SO funny. [Kim laughs] I liked that the strings of insults were...
Kim: Nonsense?
Sequoia: Nonsense, and SO funny.
Kim: Odoriferous.
Sequoia: I was IN.
Kim: That’s a good word.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Oh yeah. All right. You’re not gonna be happy about this next story.
Sequoia: Oh. Ohhh. [sighs]
Kim: You can see the title, can’t you?
Sequoia: I can see the title! Oh!
Kim: [laughs] All right, so tweet your predictions...
Sequoia: Ohhh.
Kim: For a story entitled Fuck Sandwich. [Sequoia groans loudly] This is an Archive of our Own story so it doesn’t have any like genre tags, so I’m gonna tag it humor. Fuck Sandwich, humor. Give me something.
Sequoia: Oh my god. Oh my god.
Kim: [coughs] Ahem.
Sequoia: Okay, so… I’m gonna guess, uhhhhh… [both laugh] Shit, I got nothing! Okay, I’m gonna guess that the main character... can I do that?
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Great. Thank you.
Kim: There’s a main character this time.
Sequoia: I’m gonna guess that the main character is… Harry.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: I’m going to guess that… uhhhhh… this is a…. No. No. I’m gonna guess that it takes place in the seventh year time period.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: And that none of the scenes take place at Hogwarts.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh no.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Greaaaaat.
Kim: Great. Fuck Sandwich.
Sequoia: Tweet your predictions! #FanficDivination.
Kim: Let’s go! [laughs] The leaving feast was in full swing when Draco Malfoy...
Sequoia: Ah! Fuckin dammit!
Kim: ...decided that The Time had come. [Sequoia laughs] The Time is capitalized, so…
Sequoia: The Time! [laughs]
Kim: [laughing] Oh man.
Sequoia: All right. Okay. Okay. What’s it The Time for?
Kim: The House Cup had been awarded, to Slytherin, naturally.
Sequoia: [sarcastically] Naturally.
Kim: Shut up Draco. Fuck you. McGonagall had made her end of term speech, and the second course had just been served. It was now or never, he decided.
Sequoia: Oh god! Oh god!
Kim: Draco stood up on his chair, cupped his hands around his mouth...
Sequoia: Oh jeez.
Kim: ...and yelled across the hall. "Oi! Weasel King!"
Sequoia: Oh no! No, no, no!
Kim: Ron's head shot up from the mountain of mashed potatoes [Sequoia laughs] he had been slowly eroding.
Sequoia: Oh no!
Kim: Poor Ron.
Sequoia: Oh no. He’s just doin’ his little...
Kim: He’s just trying to eat...
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: ...his way through his body weight in mashed potatoes. Leave him alone! Flashback! [makes binging time machine noises]
Sequoia: Flashback. Okay.
Kim: "The Feast's tomorrow, Harry." "I know." "We have to tell him tomorrow, Harry." "I know, Ginny."
Sequoia: Mmm.
Kim: She curled up beside him.
Sequoia: Yeah
Kim: Do you see where we’re going?
Sequoia: Yeah. I kind of do, and I... I.. just go ahead.
Kim: She curled up beside him and nuzzled his shoulder. "Are you as nervous as I am?" she asked, a slight quaver in her voice. "More, I think. You're his sister. He can't kill you."
Sequoia: [laughs] Well? Can’t? Wouldn’t? Shouldn’t?
Kim: Ginny laughed weakly. "I'm scared to do this, I really am." Draco looked up from...
Sequoia: [laughs] God!
Kim: Looked up from the foot of the bed, where he had been tracing lazy patterns into the soles of Harry's feet.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: "You're getting too worked up about this, my little love," he murmured. [Sequoia makes retching sounds] Oh god, Sequoia’s vomiting. [more retching noises] She just vomited everywhere. Gonna have to stop to clean that up. [Sequoia laughs] He murmured."Everything will go wonderfully, and he will be so happy for you. There's no need to worry."
Sequoia: Oh, god.
Kim: Ginny was on the verge of tears. "Yes there is! I don't know the right words! I don't know how to tell him so he won't be angry." Draco slid up and squeezed between them. He took her in his arms and stroked her hair. "But I do."
Sequoia: Oh, no! No, no, no! Don’t let Draco do it! Don’t put your… Don’t... oh god. Oh god.
Kim: Draco glanced over his shoulder, meeting Harry's eyes. "Don't you two trouble yourselves about this at all. I'll take care of everything."
Sequoia: [laughs] There is no alternate universe in which Draco is good at this.
Kim: It was a measure of how upset they were that they accepted.
Sequoia: Wow. They’re really really dumb.
Kim: I mean, Harry’s pretty dumb.
Sequoia: Harry’s pretty dumb, but Ginny!
Kim: Ginny! Come on Ginny. You know better than this. End flashback. "I have an announcement to make, Weasley!"
Sequoia: Oh God, not in the... god fucking...
Kim: Middle of everything.
Sequoia: Shit.
Kim: Let’s go. Draco is ready. More people looked up. Hogwarts had always enjoyed a good show, and they were beginning to feel slightly overdue, as the last one had been Vincent Crabbe's recital of a three hour long epic poem, entirely in haiku, naturally, [Sequoia laughs uncontrollably] he'd written about Harry Potter. [both laugh]
Sequoia: [laughing] I thought it couldn’t get better than, “Naturally!” And then it did. [Kim laughing] I like that it’s naturally in haiku.
Kim: Naturally! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Amazing.
Kim: I think that might be my favorite part of this story, and this story is amazing. All righty, you ready for his announcement?
Sequoia: Oh jeez. No.
Kim: "I fucked your sister!" [Sequoia laughs, Kim joins in]
Sequoia: [screaming] Oh! My god! Draco!
Kim: [laughing] Fuckin’ Draco, man.
Sequoia: Shit. Dude.
Kim: Oh my god. I’m okay. [Sequoia laughs] The Great Hall became terribly, terribly quiet.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: Over a thousand pairs of eyes fixed on Draco and Ron. Harry carefully swallowed the mouthful of food he had been chewing and exchanged an agonised look with Ginny.
Sequoia: What the fuck did they think was gonna goddamn happen?
Kim: I know, right? Oh. Dear. Ron had turned a distressing shade of red, his fork frozen halfway between his mouth and his plate. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I think this is classic Ron.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Freeze frame moment.
Kim: Ooh! Yeah? [Sequoia laughs] Nice. Draco went on, his voice sounding even louder in the unnatural silence.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: "I fucked your sister, Weasley! Loads of times!”
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: “While Potter took me from behind!"
Sequoia: Oh my god! [both laugh]
Kim: Oh man.
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: Oh man! Fuckin’ Draco.
Sequoia: Draco!
Kim: He’s so stupid. Oh, no. There was a gagging sound from the staff table. [Sequoia squawks in laughter] The headmistress had turned beet red and was struggling to breathe. Beside her, Snape was shaking with silent laughter, nearly as red as she. [Sequoia keeps laughing] Ron's fork clattered to the floor. He was gripping the table hard enough to leave marks.
Sequoia: [laughs quietly] This is not appropriate, Draco!
Kim: Sounds about right. I mean, just get it over with. Like rippin’ off a band aid.
Sequoia: Yeah. [pause] Sure.
Kim: While telling the band aid you fucked its sister. [Sequoia laughs] Or whatever! [Sequoia laughs again] Every eye in the room was now on Harry. He shrunk down into his seat, trying to make himself very, very small, which proved to be rather difficult, given his height. I don’t think Harry’s tall. I’m just gonna pause here. Harry is not tall.
Sequoia: Nope, Harry is not tall.
Kim: Harry is not tall. The other Gryffindors were edging their chairs away from him, Ron and Ginny. They obviously did not want to get caught in the crossfire.
Sequoia: Nope, I wouldn’t either. I’d be gone. I’d be out of the...
Kim: Everybody leaves.
Sequoia: ...Great Hall entirely.
Kim: Harry made a mental note to kill Draco Malfoy if they both survived.
Sequoia: What? The? Fuck? Did you think was going to happen?
Kim: I know right! Here comes some more.
Sequoia: Oh, shit!
Kim: "It's a fuck sandwich.” [both laugh loudly], "It's a fuck sandwich, Weasley! With Draco filling!" [Sequoia continues to squeal with laughter, Kim laughs]
Sequoia: I have never been so happy about the title’s...
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: ...appearance in...
Kim: In the story!
Sequoia: ...the story.
Kim: Oh yeah, that’s good!
Sequoia: It’s perfect.
Kim: [laughing] Oh my god. I have died. All right.
Sequoia: Continue.
Kim: Ron's face now matched his maroon jumper, and Hermione quickly dumped a glass of water on his head, [Sequoia laughs] worried that the heat from his forehead would make his hair catch on fire.
Sequoia: Oh, no.
Kim: I don’t think that’s a thing, Hermione.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Buddy.
Sequoia: She only went to Muggle school for like a minute.
Kim: So she doesn’t know how fire works?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Ron didn't seem to notice. Ginny followed the Harry shaped blur out of the Great Hall.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah. Okay, there we go. Yeah, they’re gone.
Kim: Yeah. "Thank you for listening, Weasley!" Draco finished, and sat down, smiling expectantly at Ron. [Sequoia laughs] Ron slowly stood up. Draco continued to smile sunnily at Ron as he approached the Slytherin table, his face still violently purple. The end.
Sequoia: What? What? What? What? What?
Kim: [laughs] He strangles him and Draco dies! What do you think?
Sequoia: Okay. Yeah that seem… that seems right. No.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: That was not what I expected.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: It was one hundred times better than what I expected. [both laugh]
Kim: Yeah, I love this story. This is a really good one.
Sequoia: That is… great. That was great.
Kim: Oh, yep. I’ve been holding off on this one for a long time. I think I found it forever ago.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Like, around the time when I read you, I wanna say, Crime and Punishment?
Sequoia: Okay, yeah?
Kim: Which also involved a fuck sandwich, but I was the one saying fuck sandwich that time.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: I had to hold off on this one.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: Give it some breathing room.
Sequoia: I almost guessed Neville, but I was like, [Kim laughs] we’ve already had a Neville sandwich.
Kim: [singing] Neville sandwich! It’s classic.
Sequoia: Classic.
Kim: I wanted to read you some of the additional tags.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: You know, this one would have been a good one... you remember the tag on And Now for Something Completely Different? Bad plans.
Sequoia: Yes!
Kim: This one doesn’t have that, but it has bad ideas...
Sequoia: Okay, good.
Kim: ...bad decisions...
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: ...no, Draco, Draco, no. [Sequoia laughs at length] That’s the story tags for this.
Sequoia: Oh my god. I love it.
Kim: I like… I like that people on Archive of our Own just like, give it the tags.
Sequoia: I love it. Man.
Kim: So there you go.
Sequoia: Loved those.
Kim: What were your predictions again? Harry...
Sequoia: That Harry was the main character. Seventh year.
Kim: So for that one… I’m not totally sure. So this was written in… it says on here that it was written in 2003. But McGonagall is headmistress.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Which I don’t know how you would guess in 2003.
Sequoia: I would say...
Kim: But i think it is…
Sequoia: ...that they need to tell Ron because they’re graduating or something.
Kim: They’re graduating. I would say it’s probably seventh year.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: But I’m so confused about why they have McGonagall as the headmistress written in 2003.
Sequoia: I love it when that happens!
Kim: Yeah? You think you think people...
Sequoia: That’s my favorite. When people just...
Kim: Have you seen that? I’ve never seen that before!
Sequoia: No. No, I mean… I mean like when people accidentally predict something, you know?
Kim: Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just, like, as like a side thing. Not even like main... in this story just, like, McGonagall’s headmistress.
Sequoia: Yeah, just like, McGonagall’s headmistress. Yeah.
Kim: For reasons.
Sequoia: Yeah. I love it.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: That’s awesome.
Kim: Yeah! So. I like this story a lot.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: I thought we needed two Draco stories back to back, also.
Sequoia: We had to make up for all the time that we were spending without Draco.
Kim: Yeah. So you get two points today.
Sequoia: We didn’t even do that on purpose, either.
Kim: Do what? Spend so much time without Draco?
Sequoia: Without Draco? Yeah!
Kim: I think what happened is we just found a lot of good stories without him.
Sequoia: I think we did… we did for like a minute. There was like a...
Kim: There was like one or two episodes where we were like, oh we should probably stay away from Draco for a second.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: But then we kept doing it for months.
Sequoia: I know.
Kim: So here we are.
Sequoia: Oh, it’s good to be back.
Kim: It’s Draco time. [both laugh]
Sequoia: It’s… time!
Kim: Did someone say…
Both: ...Draco Malfoy?
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Excellent.
Kim: Cool. All right, you got two points. Let’s do…
Sequoia: I got two points!
Kim: Let’s do our favorite... our very favorite…
Sequoia: Our very favorite segment.
Kim: ...segment. You wanna talk about…?
Sequoia: Okay, so here’s the thing about this segment. It is…
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Great. [laughs] We started it out because sometimes the summaries on these stories are just, like, on point. And we started it out because of a specific summary. Like, when we started it we were like... I was like, I gotta read this. [Kim laughs] And then we were like, oh let’s make this...
Kim: A reocurring segment.
Sequoia: A reocurring segment!
Kim: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sequoia: And it hasn’t gone as well as we would have hoped. So we’re switchin it up a little bit.
Kim: Just a little bit.
Sequoia: Just a little.
Kim: We’re gonna keep reading these amazing summaries, because I would be sad if I had to stop.
Sequoia: [laughs] So we’re gonna keep reading the summaries, but what we want you guys to do is, if you think you’ve got a better summary...
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: ...for a story, right there… right up in your little brain.
Kim: Mhm?
Sequoia: Send it to us.
Kim: Tweet it at us!
Sequoia: Tweet it at us.
Kim: Email it to us!
Sequoia: Comment on Facebook, whatever.
Kim: Message it to us on Instagram!
Sequoia: Whatever...
Kim: Whatever!
Sequoia: ...is your preferred method of contacting us, give it to us. We will read it next time.
Kim: So send those to us. But first, I’m gonna read you some summaries!
Sequoia: [singing] Summaries!
Kim: [Singing] Summaries! Okay, so for Acronyms, the summary was, Short and sweet, HP/DM.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Hermione discovers a pattern in Harry and Draco’s insults.
Sequoia: Ohh?
Kim: Ooh?
Sequoia: Adorbs.
Kim: Yeah, that’s a cute one. And then for Fuck Sandwich, Someone has to tell Ron. This is one of the five million, one hundred and eighty seven thousand four hundred and ninety two reasons why that someone should not be Draco. [both laugh]
Sequoia: No, I love that summary.
Kim: That’s a good summary.
Sequoia: I love that.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: So...
Sequoia: So send us in summaries, and we’ll read ‘em next time.
Kim: Yeah! If you’ve got a good one.
Sequoia: Let us know!
Kim: Let us know.
Sequoia: Don’t look at me. [laughs] Okay, well...
Kim: So for my recommendation today, I am gonna go ahead and rec some Drarry!
Sequoia: Yeah y’are.
Kim: I am recommending a story called Courtship, Wooing, and Other Such Nonsense.
Sequoia: Aw!
Kim: And it’s really funny, and I like it a lot, so that link is going to be on our new website!
Sequoia: Choo choo choo!
Kim: www.fanaticalfics.com. You can also find it in the episode description, still.
Sequoia: Yeah, I’ll also put it in the episode description.
Both: But...
Sequoia: ...go to the website so you can look at all of them!
Kim: Read all of them!
Sequoia: Read ‘em all!
Kim: Except the bad ones!
Sequoia: Except the bad ones! Should I mark the bad ones? No I’m not gonna do that.
Kim: [laughs] Read them all!
Sequoia: Read them all!
Kim: Some of them are questionable! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: Thank you for that. Thank you for your recommendation today.
Kim: And speaking of recommendations, if you the listener have something to recommend to us, there is a place for it...
Both: ...on the website!
Sequoia: I don’t know if we’re getting this across, really, fully here. Everything’s on the website now. [Kim laughs] So the old form link won’t work anymore. So go to the website to submit a story for us to read.
Kim: Mhm. If you’ve found something you think we need, it doesn’t need to be inside of our time period, it can be whatever.
Sequoia: Just anything.
Kim: If you’ve found something and enjoyed it, send it to us!
Sequoia: We want to read it.
Kim: We love fanfiction!
Sequoia: We love fanfiction.
Kim: So much!
Sequoia: Too much.
Kim: [laughs] Cool.
Sequoia: If you want to find us on social media, we are on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram @FanaticalFics.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: If you want to hashtag anything #FanaticalFics, it will also show up on our website.
Kim: [whispering] Website.
Sequoia: [whispering] Website! If we say “website” eighteen more times, do you think they’ll know we have a website?
Kim: Ehh.
Sequoia: I don’t know.
Kim: Ehh. [Sequoia laughs] Whatever.
Sequoia: Whatever.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: Um.
Kim: If you like this podcast and you wanna support this podcast, there are a few ways that you can support this podcast.
Sequoia: You can leave us reviews!
Kim: We will shout you out at the top of the episode.
Sequoia: As we have done this very episode. I’m doing well.
Kim: Or, you can recommend this podcast to a friend.
Sequoia: Or five friends!
Kim: Or random people on Twitter.
Sequoia: Mostly random people on Twitter.
Kim: I love seeing that.
Sequoia: That’s my favorite.
Kim: Those pop up every once in a while and I’m like, oh, somebody likes us!
Sequoia: Yeah, recommend this podcast to your friends, or you can support us on Patreon.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: That link is in the description of the episode, and also on our website. [laughs]
Kim: Jesus fucking Christ. Come on, dude! Get it together.
Sequoia: No, you get it together.
Kim: [laughs] Yeah, we got some cool bonus audio content, bonus written content, and some swag at the higher tiers. That sticker that we got recently.
Sequoia: Is great. You can also purchase that sticker on! Our!
Kim: I’m leaving!
Sequoia: Web… site.
Kim: I’m leaving!
Sequoia: Website.
Kim: I’m gone!
Sequoia: Website. [both laugh]
Kim: So click on over to those things.
Sequoia: Those things. [whispering] The website! [both laugh] Thanks so much for listening. One of the things we do on our Patreon is when you are donating for six months, we will shout you out on the podcast using some kind of a voice, tellin’ a little bit of a mini story about you and your friends at Hogwarts.
Kim: So let’s do that now.
Sequoia: So let’s do that now!
Kim: [drawling, dramatic voice] Truly horrible and nasty name, Sierra! [both laugh] So, there you go.
Sequoia: There you go! Great.
Kim: Thank you so much for supporting us. We love you guys.
Sequoia: And thanks so much for listening!
Kim: Thanks as always to the Whomping Willows for letting us use their amazing song Wolfstar as our theme song. Bye!
Sequoia: Bye!