Episode 4: Kiss Bracelets/Precious
This two story episode starts out with a classic fan fiction trope, and then it gets… sexy? If you guess the pairing for the second story, we will give you a million dollars*.
*We will not give you a million dollars
**That’s irrelevant though because you will never guess.
Recommendation: Hot as an Oven
Kim: How do we get into this? I’ve forgotten, it’s been too long. How long has it been since we’ve recorded?
Sequoia: How do we…? What’s a podcast?
Kim: [softly] Ahhh…
Sequoia: Who’s Ha- Henry Porter?
Kim: [laughs] Sure. Fine.
Sequoia: [laughs] Who’s…? What’s the…?
Kim: Where am I?
Sequoia: Where am I?
Kim: How did I get here? Why is this the place that I am in my life right now?
Sequoia: [sighs] I dunno. [Kim sighs] I think, like, people would hope that, y’know, we were just like… slaying it on the career side. Like two career gals out in this world and here we are.
Kim: [laughs] With this…
Sequoia: I am unemployed.
Kim: Uhh I’m just gonna be in school forever.
Sequoia: You’re gonna be in school forever and we’re doing a weird podcast about Harry Potter. [Kim laughs] So you know what?
Kim: This is where our life is.
Sequoia: And I’m excited about it.
[Theme music (Wolfstar by The Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/ It ain’t our place to judge you/ You’re feeling scared about it/ Naturally/ There’s no point in hiding/ So feel free to start confiding/ If you need a good friend/ You can count on me/ You can count on me/ You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hey everyone. Before we get started today we did just wanna let you know that today one of the stories that’s being read does include some sexually explicit content.
Kim: Yeah. So, if you are not interested in listening to that, stop listening after the first story. Mom. Please.
Sequoia: Mom. Definitely. Grandma.
Kim: [laughs] Mom.
Sequoia: Don’t. Just stop.
Kim: Don’t. Just… You don’t need it.
Sequoia: Just stop after the first one. [pause] Hello. I am Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I’m Kim!
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: Welcome to episode four!
Sequoia: Four! I almost said three. I was gonna say three.
Kim: We did episode three.
Sequoia: I know but…
Kim: You told me an interesting story. You told me two interesting stories!
Sequoia: I did! And I hear tell through the grapevine that I get two interesting stories back!
Kim: Yes you do. I was so jealous of you telling me two that I thought I would tell you two.
Sequoia: Which is awesome because it gives me the chance to get right back up that points board!
Kim: [laughs] I have a feeling it’s not gonna go well for you.
Sequoia: [laughs] That’s not fair! You’re doing this to me on purpose!
Kim: Look. Look! I’m just choosing stories that speak to me and if they speak to me through classic misdirection… [both laugh] whose fault is that?
Sequoia: Um… yours. [Kim laughs and sighs]. [stuttering] Wha- Wha- Wha- Wha- Wha- What do you got for me today?
Kim: All right, I’ve got two fics for you today. This first one... [clears throat] This first one is… uh… is good. [Sequoia snorts] It’s great! You’re gonna. Love. It.
Sequoia: [laughs] I’m ready!
Kim: You are going to love it. It is called... Kiss Bracelets.
Sequoia: I’m already really happy. What's the genre?
Kim: The genre is romance and humor. You’ve got three predictions.
Sequoia: Main character pairing… Ginny and Hermione.
Kim: Great! [laughs]
Sequoia: I’m just going for it. [laughs]
Kim: Great!
Sequoia: Um… [there is a pause. both laugh] There’re bracelets… And if your...
Kim: Ginny and Hermione are bracelets?
Sequoia: No! Not... [both laugh] That’s not what I meant. Okay. Ginny and Hermione are… They put on bracelets. And they can’t remove the bracelets unless they make out. [both laugh again]
Kim: Yes. Thank you. That is great. It’s beautiful!
Sequoia: Wait is that two or three?
Kim: I don’t know [laughs]
Sequoia: Imma say that was two. I get one more!
Kim: [while laughing] Okay fine! Give me another one. [both laugh].
Sequoia: Um… Um… Um… The setting…
Kim: Yes?
Sequoia: … Is…
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: The Burrow.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: There we go! There were my three extremely specific…
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: ...predictions.
Kim: Yes! They’re great.
Sequoia: They’re all right.
Kim: [laughs] They are correct! Let’s just… We’ll just skip the story and say that that was it. [Sequoia laughs] That good?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: No. We’re gonna read this. Kiss Bracelets. A new fad started at Hogwarts. Kiss Bracelets.
Sequoia: Yes, there’re bracelets.
Kim: Yes, the girls wear them, and if a boy broke one off the girl’s wrist they had to kiss.
Sequoia: Oh my God, no! This is just like Jellies! [both laugh] This is some 90s shit right here.
Kim: Is this a thing? See, I read this and I wasn’t sure if this was a thing or not.
Sequoia: I think… I think that it was. I think that if you… You, like, wore Jellies and every color meant a different thing and if it broke…
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: ...then you had to do the thing. Is how I remember it.
Kim: Oh God! [laughs].
Sequoia: Yeah it was disgusting, we were disgusting children.
Kim: That’s so… [sighs]. Jellies?
Sequoia: Jellies.
Kim: This is sheltered child.
Sequoia: Look it up. Don’t look it up. [both laugh. Kim sighs] Okay.
Kim: Some Muggle-born student started it at the beginning of the year.
Sequoia: They knew because they were… Yeah! Okay. No… I’m on board! I buy it, I buy it.
Kim: ‘S a thing! All the girls had some. [There is a pause].
Sequoia: All of them?
Kim: All of them!
Sequoia: Every Millicent Bulstrode was walking around…?
Kim: Every… every girl. Every girl. Er, Eloise Midgen… She was just hoping to get some attention.
Sequoia: Let’s just start naming some… Some obscure…
Kim: Um, I’m sorry! You don’t know who Eloise Midgen is?
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah I do!
Kim: [sighs] For those of you that don’t know, Eloise Midgen was a Hufflepuff student who had really bad acne.
Sequoia: Thank you for that canon lesson.
Kim: [laughs] Like, I can’t help it. It just comes out of me. Even... the youngest Weasley had some.
Sequoia: Ginny?!
Kim: Yeah. [Sequoia yells in delight]. Ginny.
Sequoia: Okay. Yeah. [Kim laughs]. Yeah.
Kim: She was always thinking “Which boy would break hers?”
Sequoia: Okay, wait. Do they break them on purpose? Like, they walk up and just like, break it and they’re like, “Uh…”
Kim: I think so, yeah. They just… Yeah, I think that’s the implication. Yeah.
Sequoia: Make out with me now!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: That I did this.
Kim: Yeah and then they had to make out with them, is what this says.
Sequoia: [laughs] Is it… Are they magically enchanted like that then?
Kim: I don’t... know?
Sequoia: Or is it just like… ‘cause I think if Muggleborns…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: ...introduced it they’re probably not magically enchanted… But, like…
Kim: They’re probably not, but they could be.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: They... shouldn’t be. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, that would be real bad. I’m thinking the Hogwarts professors would like shut that down real quick.
Kim: Yeah, like, no this… This isn’t a thing that... I’m surprised they let this happen, to be honest.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, I mean, I guess it flew under their radar if it was so non-magical.
Kim: [laughs] Oh. I think they just…
Sequoia: It’s like, not a magically binding contract.
Kim: They just didn’t notice that the girls all suddenly had, like, an arm full of weird bracelets they were…
Sequoia: An armful of them?
Kim: … making out everywhere.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Like, you gotta get ready.
Sequoia: Right, okay, there’s a difference between having like one and being like…
Kim: No, you’re super…
Sequoia: [imitating a teenage girl] “I hope Harry Potter breaks my bracelet!”
Kim: [imitating as well] “I hope every boy kisses me!” [both laugh]
Sequoia: Okay, I’m decided… I’m excited to see how this develops.
Kim: Oh! Oh… Given too much away, maybe. No. I’m not. Um… She was always thinking, “Which boy would break hers?” She wanted it to be Harry.
Sequoia: Duh.
Kim: Well, kinda. Okay, not really.
Sequoia: Oh wait! Oh no! Did you get me some… Draco and Ginny shit right here? You did! I see it in your face! [Kim laughs] Dammit! I almost said that as my prediction too!
Kim: I like how the author goes in and was like, “She wanted it to be Harry. No, just kidding, she totally didn’t,” in like two sentences. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah! It’s there to be, like…
Kim: Why bother saying that?
Sequoia: …“People think that I should be into Harry… But I’m secretly not…”
Kim: No one thinks that, Ginny! No one cares what you think!
Sequoia: No one g... [laughs]
Kim: No one likes you.
Sequoia: Ginny, get back in your box!
Kim: [laughs and sighs] Okay, not really. She hadn’t liked him since her first year! Ginny was in her sixth year at Hogwarts and quite the beauty. [Sequoia laughs] That fine? Fine with that?
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah. That… It’s a good point to make. I was worried, personally.
Kim: That… that she was in her first year?
Sequoia: No, that she was ugly. [laughs]
Kim: Oh. She definitely is. This is just making some shit up. I dunno where all of this Ginny hate is coming from, to be honest.
Sequoia: [laughs] Y’know what? [both laugh]
Kim: Steve Kloves.
Sequoia: Steve Kloves!
Kim: Her red hair had died down to a deep auburn colour and her freckles were cute, not blotchy. But she knew Harry wasn’t going to break her bracelet. He had already broken about eighty of Hermione’s.
Sequoia: Oh. My. God. Oh my God! Oh my God! [Kim laughs] I like… Okay, okay. I like that Hermione HAD eighty bracelets to break in the first place!
Kim: Every girl has them! Every girl! [Sequoia laughs] An armful! Every morning you gotta put on your armful of bracelets.... And then you apply your chapstick. And then you’re ready for school.
Sequoia: [finally stops laughing] Oh man, Hermione. Get it, girl!
Kim: Harry?
Sequoia: [laughs again] I know! I don’t support that. I’d like to… [cuts herself off, laughing] I’d like to clarify that I do not support any Harry/Hermione nonsense in any way, shape or form except…
Kim: [laughs] Right now?
Sequoia: Right now. [laughs].
Kim: All right, all right. [laughs and sighs] [there is a pause]. Ginny sighed. She looked out over the lake. The sun was setting and the lake was a shimmering mirror. “I’d better be heading in”, she said to herself. As she was making her way back up to the castle, she heard a voice. “Ho! Gin’ny!” There’s an apostrophe in the middle of Ginny. Just so you know.
Sequoia: Ho! [laughs]
Kim: “Ho! Gin’ny! ‘Ill ya come ‘ere and help me?” It was Hagrid, beckoning her to his garden.
Sequoia: [with a horror-filled voice] Oh!
Kim: She smiled warmly and marched over to help. Yeah that’s how Hagrid talks. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh, perfect! Perfect.
Kim: [sighs] He talks… He talks like a Star Wars character, inserting apostrophes at random. [both laugh] And then there’s… some slashes and tildas to indicate a passage of time. Ginny sniffled. She blew on her singed fingers. “Damn blast-ended swirkts.”
Sequoia: Yeah! Swirts!
Kim: [laughs] She cursed mentally. She wasn’t watching where she was going. The next thing she knew, she was on the ground. [imitating a slightly drawled out voice] “Well, Weasel. Why are you out so late? You’re supposed to be in your dorm, asleep,” a deep voice cooed with a cruel laugh.
Sequoia: [giggles]. Oh! Oh that’s feisty! [both laugh] I like… I… I just gotta, like, interject real quick.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: I love your Draco Malfoy voice. It’s the greatest thing.
Kim: Thank you. Thank you.
Sequoia: Ever.
Kim: Thank you. I work really hard on… I practice it all the time. [Sequoia laughs]. Just at home to myself.
Sequoia: I, like… Okay, I’m wondering if he knocked her over and somehow the bracelet has broken that way and then something has to happen from there.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Or if we’re gonna get… Just keep reading me the story.
Kim: Yeah! Come on, Sequoia. The text!
Sequoia: I just… [sighs] [both laugh] The text!
Kim: [sighs] Ginny glared up. “Oh shut it, Malfoy. I was helping Hagrid,” she argued and attempted to stand. Malfoy grabbed her wrist and pulled her in his arms. She looked at him with surprise. Ginny was staring Malfoy in the eyes. His blond hair fell into his face and his steel gray eyes looking over her. [imitating panic] “Ma- Ma- Malfoy! Let me go!” Ginny stuttered, and began to struggle. [both laugh]
Sequoia: [trying to imitate damsel in distress] So out of breath! Oh! Oh dear! Let me go!
Kim: [imitating also] Oh! Oh! Oh! Don’t touch me there! [both laugh] But he had a very tight grip on her wrist and waist. She pulled her arm away with a force she never knew she had.
Sequoia: Oh! She never knew and…
Kim: Malfoy blinked as he heard a “pop” sound…
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: And a “tap” of something hitting the ground.
Sequoia: Yep, that’s it.
Kim: Ginny blushed and blinked, as her and Malfoy both looked down at the sparkly, pink bracelet.
Sequoia: Ooooo! It’s sparkly and pink? It’s pretty! [laughs]
Kim: It’s cute! So fancy. I have no idea what these bracelets look like. Were they, like, Jellies like the shoes? So, like… kinda sparkly and plasticy?
Sequoia: Yeah. So, sparkling and pink… That is a valid Jellies, like, thing.
Kim: All right. Okay. Okay.
Sequoia: I feel like they’ve already established that like Draco was like [imitating disgust] “Uh, Weasel.” Right?
Kim: Yeah. Right up front.
Sequoia: So there’s gotta be some kind of like enchantment on these to like make this… make this a done deal.
Kim: Sequoia?
Sequoia: The text! The text!
Kim: [laughs] Ginny coughed and took advantage of the moment to move away from Malfoy. “Weasley? You wear those?” he asked, pointing from it to her. She blushed darker and took a step back. “Well, it’s only a fad. Who cares? I don’t. I’m just following!”
Sequoia: Wow! Classic Ginny! What a damn follower. Always… always a follower.
Both: Never a…
Kim: Leader?
Sequoia: Never a leader. Never a fucking badass.
Kim: Yeah she doesn’t do anything ever. Nothing interesting.
Sequoia: [laughs and imitates a schoolgirl] I’m just a follower!
Kim: [laughs] Shh. “I’m just following,” she rambled. Malfoy stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Ginny. “Malfoy! What are you…?” He had stopped her question with…
Sequoia: A kiss.
Kim: … his lips. [both laugh] Ginny backed her head but after a second fell into it. [laughs] Malfoy was surprised she had gathered the courage to kiss back.
Sequoia: Wha…? [both laugh] Okay. So...
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Was he tryna, like, be… I dunno. Gross her out? And then he’s like “Oh well, she’s kissing me back now. I guess that’s cool.”
Kim: I guess we’re just making out!
Sequoia: I guess that’s fine.
Kim: Maybe. Who knows?
Sequoia: We have been told that she’s pretty. So…
Kim: Oh, she is very pretty now yeah, that’s correct.
Sequoia: Yeah. So now that she’s pretty, I... I think he’s down.
Kim: Yeah, ya think?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: All right, all right.They broke apart, panting. Ginny was flushed, and leaned against a pillar for support. [in a higher pitched voice]. “Why? Why did you do that?” she whispered, clutching her chest.
Sequoia: Because of your dumb lil bra... Pay attention!
Kim: Because uh… [both laugh] Because he did. Author’s note: Not her breast, you prat. Get your mind out of the gutter.
Sequoia: Thanks, author.
Kim: Yep. She’s not…
Sequoia: There for us.
Kim: ...holding her own boob.
Sequoia: [laughs] Just in case you were wondering.
Kim: [laughs] Malfoy smiled a unique smile that was more meaningful than just smartass’s smirk or grin.
Sequoia: That’s a lot to unpack! [laughs]
Kim: I honestly don’t know what that means.
Sequoia: It means that usually he smiles at her like a dick. But it was like a lil...
Kim: And now he’s smiling like…
Sequoia: Now he’s smiling at her like a dick, but also like… Yeah, girl.
Kim: [laughs] Like… we just made out. [Sequoia laughs] All right, all right, all right. I guess I get what…
Sequoia: You know that…
Kim: Yeah, okay.
Sequoia: You know that smile?
Kim: Okay… “Because I broke the bracelet so we kissed. Am I wrong?” he asked, leaning in on her again.
Sequoia: Mmm…
Kim: “Um… No. You were… quite right in fact.” Ginny said, smiling up at him...
Sequoia: Oh!
Kim: ...seeing how he towered over her by one foot or more.
Sequoia: How short is she?
Kim: She’s… tiny. She’s like… she’s actually a house elf. [Sequoia laughs] The whole time.
Sequoia: She’s like three feet tall. Yeah. [Both laugh]
Kim: Malfoy grinned and wrapped his arms around her waist. He leaned in and rested his head on her shoulder. “This feels so nice. Like I should be doing this,” Malfoy thought.
Sequoia: [laughs] Okay! [Kim sighs] Okay. Yeah.
Kim: Malfoy thought and sniffed Ginny’s hair.
Sequoia: Oh no! [laughs]
Kim: Coconuts.
Sequoia: Oh my God!
Kim: Ginny stood there shocked again. Malfoy was holding her softly and sniffing…
Sequoia: Coconuts. [Kim laughs] I like how… She’s like… “Huh. This is strange.” And not like… “Woah! This is really fucking strange!”
Kim: Why are you sniffing me? [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah like, this is… This is not just, like, vaguely out of the ordinary. This is a, like… [Kim cuts her off, making exaggerated sniffing sounds. Both laugh] This is, like, a character shift to like major creep.
Kim: Yeah just, instantly… Well, he was always creepy.
Sequoia: Yeah, I guess.
Kim: Although sniffing is not exactly in character. [Laughs].
Sequoia: No! Uh. Hmm, yes. I would say not in character, nope.
Kim: Malfoy was holding her softly and was sniffing. Wait. Stop. Pause. Rewind. Sniffing?
Sequoia: [laughs] Is that Ginny? Is that in Ginny’s head? We’re supposed to get…?
Kim: Yeah. Yeah, that’s Ginny’s head.
Sequoia: Okay, okay.
Kim: Sniffing? Was he crying? No. Malfoy wouldn’t cry, would he? Could he? Wow. No Ginny, he’s not.
Sequoia: No!
Kim: He’s not crying, he’s just smelling you...
Sequoia: He’s not crying! I dunno…
Kim: In a way that sounds like crying.
Sequoia: I dunno. I actually don’t know if I can… if I can be critical of her for thinking he was crying…
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: Because everything that is happening is just like so not plausible that, like…
Kim: They’re, like… what is he doing?
Sequoia: …well, yeah, maybe he is crying.
Kim: [laughs] Malfoy pulled back and kissed her again. Ginny melted into the kisses like fire. They burned, she thought. [Sequoia laughs and mumbles incoherently]. This kiss lasted much longer than the last one and by the time Malfoy pulled away, Ginny was almost blue in the face. Author’s note: From lack of oxygen.
Sequoia: [laughs] Thank you again, AN, for this insight.
Kim: [laughing] Why else would she be… blue?
Sequoia: You know when you’re making out and you just like…
Kim: Turn to blue?
Sequoia: …turn a lil blue? [laughs]
Kim: “Weasley. Ten points taken from Gryffindor,” Malfoy snorted, and pecked Ginny’s cheek before letting her loose. He stalked away in pride. Yeah, he kissed her and then he took points from Slytherin.
Sequoia: From…
Kim: You look confused.
Sequoia: From… Gryffindor.
Kim: I mean from Gryffindor, sorry.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yes. Book five wasn’t out but I guess people just assumed that he would be a prefect.
Sequoia: Yeah, I also was… I... I mean…
Kim: ‘Cause what other Slytherin guys are there?
Sequoia: Yeah, he could also be…
Kim: Is it Greg? Greg’s not gonna be the prefect. I can tell ya that.
Sequoia: [laughs] Greg is no one.
Kim: Ginny blinked, then her face turned red with anger. “How dare you? You prick! Ah! I hate you!” she wailed. [Sequoia laughs] Prefects… aren’t actually… canonically… allowed to take away points.
Sequoia: They aren’t?
Kim: No. Percy threatens to at one point but he’s just wrong, or being an asshole.
Sequoia: Oh. Or he’s just being Percy.
Kim: It was… It was Umbride’s Inquisitorial Squad that could take away points. ‘Cause remember that was like a extra power they got.
Sequoia: Right… Okay.
Kim: And used to take away points just from Gryffindor. Canon.
Sequoia: What a dick, though.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: That’s such a dick move.
Kim: In this world where he can take points away. “I hate you!” she wailed, moving her arms fast in protest. [Sequoia laughs] Just kinda… [laughs] Circling ‘em. Flapping ‘em. What do you think? Do you think she’s like, flailing them in like a circular motion or more of a flapping motion?
Sequoia: I think, y’know, like, you know when you… your arms go back and forth like you’re running? [laughs]
Kim: Oh? You think she’s doing a running motion? [laughs]
Sequoia: She’s doing… Yeah. Yeah. Just that over and over… [laughs]
Kim: All right, yeah, that sounds right. Malfoy turned, winked, smiled, and continued on his way. Ginny huffed and mumbled something about Malfoy being a ferret-faced git and how cruel he is to take points from her house, even though he knew she was helping Hagrid.
Sequoia: Yeah she muttered just a lil something... about like that.
Kim: Something like that. [both laugh] “He has to be Head Boy this year? Course he does. Just to ruin my life!” she yelled, and stomped back to Gryffindor tower.
Sequoia: She yelled aloud. To no one. Yeah she was moving her mouth real quick and just going…
Kim: [mumbles incoherently] Malfoy…
Sequoia: And just screaming. [both laugh]
Kim: Ginny… why is this the way you are?
Sequoia: She’s so pretty, though!
Kim: And then we get some more tildas and slashes.
Sequoia: [slowly] Time lapse…
Kim: To indicate a... time lapse. Ginny climbed into bed. She rotated to lie on her side. Her face was pulled deep into thought about Malfoy. Why would he do such a thing? Even if he did break the bracelet, kissing me was NOT an option! Ginny blushed furiously and closed her eyes. Must sleep. Need sleep, she thought before dreams took over. Those dreams consisting of Malfoy. Of course. And that’s the end. [Sequoia laughs] What’s up? Got some thoughts? Comments? [giggles] Concerns?
Sequoia: [unintelligible sounds] All of the above. [both laugh] Why would you…? Okay...
Kim: Yes?
Sequoia: If you are going around with your lil bracelet thing…
Kim: Mm-hmm.
Sequoia: ...and anybody who breaks it just gets to make out with you…
Kim: Mm-hmm.
Sequoia: … like, how can you then be outraged...
Kim: When someone does that?
Sequoia: ...when that’s what happened?
Kim: Yeah, right? Well, she was into it until he took the points away.
Sequoia: [laughs]
Kim: And then she was like, “Wait a second!”
Sequoia: Yeah! And then she was… and then she was like, “No, you making out with me is unacceptable.”
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Like, she wasn’t even like, “Aw.” She was like “Uh, the house points.” But then she’s like “No, but you shouldn’t have made out with me at all now that that happened.”
Kim: [laughs] Yes. Yes. [Sequoia sighs] I found you a Ginny/Draco.
Sequoia: I love. That. Stuff.
Kim: Really? That’s one you like?
Sequoia: Ginny/Draco? That’s a great pairing.
Kim: Why?! What is good about it?
Sequoia: Because it’s stupid.
Kim: Oh. [both laugh] Get back in your box, Ginny!
Sequoia: Ginny! [Laughs]
Kim: Get out of here! Aw…
Sequoia: Well, none of my predictions were right, But the…
Kim: You got ha...
Sequoia: ...the bracelet one was really close.
Kim: Not really. You said they would be wearing bracelets and the only way they could get them off was to kiss and it was kinda the opposite of that.
Sequoia: Okay. Close. [both laugh]
Kim: I would… honestly I would give you half a point. You got half of the main pairing correct.
Sequoia: Thank you.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: I...
Kim: So you are at 1.5 points. [laughs]
Sequoia: What are you at? Three?
Kim: Yuh. Check it.
Sequoia: Imma catchin’ up.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Yeah I am.
Kim: No you’re not.
Sequoia: Yes, I am.
Kim: Inchin’ up.
Sequoia: I have a whole other three possible points comin’ up right here.
Kim: [Laughs] Oh ho ho. Yes you do.
Sequoia: Get at me.
Kim: Okay so this one’s from Archive of Our Own instead of…
Sequoia: Okay! Yeah.
Kim: ...fanfiction.net ‘cause remember I told you I was finding something gross, so obviously I went to…
Sequoia: You had to go to Archive of Our Own.
Kim: [softly] Yep.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: [sighs] This one… doesn’t have genre tags.
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: Unfortunately… I can give you, I guess there’s one that’s kind of a genre tag.
Sequoia: Can you just give me a genre?
Kim: Yeah, this is a genre tag. Fine. So the… the… the title is Precious. And…
Sequoia: [softly, imitating Gollum] My precious…
Kim: I’m gonna say that the genre tag is erotica.
Sequoia: [snorts] Okay. [both laugh] Oh man. Okay, so...
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: [sighs] Oh no.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: I made this for you. [laughs]
Sequoia: What would you have done for me? I don’t even know. I’m gonna guess that one of the main characters is Hermione.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: I’m going to say that this takes place during their seventh year.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: And I’m going to say that… oh no… I don’t even know! I don’t even know how to… [there’s a sound like the microphone being hit] Ah ha!
Kim: [laughs] Hits things! Smackin’ things ‘cause she’s so mad.
Sequoia: So… so frustrated! [both laugh]
Kim: [in a sing-song voice] Classic misdirection!
Sequoia: Oh no!
Kim: You’re gonna love this when I read it to you.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: It’s… it’s too beautiful for this world.
Sequoia: [laughs] Okay, my third prediction is that there’s gonna be some sexy times taking place in the owlery. [both laugh] That’s all I got! I don’t even...
Kim: Excellent.
Sequoia: I dunno how to do predictions on this stuff!
Kim: All right. Good. Perfect.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: Y’know some of these… [incoherent muttering] Just impossible to know where these things are going. Like, sometimes you read the summary and you’re like, I have no idea what I’m about to read. And then you read it and you’re like Oh my God. I’m not okay. [Sequoia laughs]. I need an adult. Send help. This is… Precious. He’s been doing it for years. It started when Cormac was fourteen.
Sequoia: Oh my God!
Kim: So I’m jumping in here. Just in case you’ve forgotten, Cormac McLaggen is a Gryffindor student. He is the year above Harry and the rest of the trio. He’s featured pretty prominently in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. He’s kind of a brash, idiotic, narcissistic character who competes with Ron for Hermione’s attention and the keeper position. Um… yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah. He’s most notably remembered for Quidditch tryouts…
Kim: Mm-hmm.
Sequoia: ...where Harry is scared that he’s gonna beat Ron…
Kim: Mm-hmm.
Sequoia: ...onto the team and Hermione Confunds him… [Kim laughs]... so that he doesn’t get onto the Quidditch team, and being Hermione’s date to the Slug Club Christmas party.
Kim: Where she spends a lot of it either making out with him or avoiding him.
Sequoia: Okay, okay, okay!
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Yup.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: [higher] Yup.
Kim: One night, after watching the Gryffindor Quidditch team practice late into the night, he had snuck into the broom shed and hidden in a corner as he watched the players mount their brooms against the wall. After the entire team had left, he had emerged from the corner and walked over to the brooms.
Sequoia: Oh no. [both laugh]
Kim: He’d always wanted to be on the Quidditch team but no, they didn’t have any spots. There wasn’t any room. He wasn’t good enough. Gritting his teeth, Cormac reached out and caressed the first broom in his line of sight. A Shooting Star. A school broom. Licking his lips, Cormac unhooked the broom…
Sequoia: [laughs] Why? Why already? [Kim laughs] Why already? Okay.
Kim: Cormac unhooked the broom and clutched it tightly against his body. Inhaling deeply, Cormac felt a shudder course through his body as the musky scent of wood and sweat invaded his senses. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Okay. Yeah, sure.
Kim: He’s just standing in the broom shed, er, sniffing the brooms.
Sequoia: Just, like, caressing some brooms.
Kim: Sniffing the, like, centuries-old school brooms.
Sequoia: That’s disgusting!
Kim: And that’s when it happened. He was a healthy fourteen year old, after all.
Sequoia: [laughs] Just getting some wood, smelling some wood.
Kim: That’s good!
Sequoia: [muttering] I didn’t want… yeah, like that?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: That’s good!
Kim: Yeah I like that. Clever. He was a healthy fourteen year old, after all. These things were perfectly natural.
Sequoia: Yeah. Sure.
Kim: [softly] Is it?
Sequoia: Just… smelling the sweat of students past. [both laugh]
Kim: Cormac knew that he needed to return to the school as soon as possible. But first, he had to do something about his erection.
Sequoia: [laughs] I love this stuff… Logical. Sensible.
Kim: Is it? He can’t just, like… tuck it?
Sequoia: You can’t go back to the school, gotta do something...
Kim: Guess I’ll just…
Sequoia: ...about this…
Kim: Guess I’ll just… And that was when the ritual began.
Sequoia: What? The ritual? [Kim laughs]. The ritual? Okay so this is a thing he does all the time now, is he just goes and… He goes and touches some brooms and then...
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: All right.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Up until his final year at Hogwarts, Cormac would go down to the broom shed at least once a week, select a different model every time and then enjoy a little personal time between himself and the brooms.
Sequoia: What? What is…? What is happening?
Kim: He’s got a… He’s got a perfectly normal, healthy…
Sequoia: Healthy…
Both: ...broom fetish!
Sequoia: [laughs] I like that he picks a new one every time too.
Kim: Yeah, well… here’s the thing.
Sequoia: Like how many… How many brooms are there? There’s gotta be a ton.
Kim: The way he calculated it, he could get through all the brooms at least twice by the time he left school.
Sequoia: See? Logical.
Kim: [laughs] Is it?
Sequoia: Calculated.
Kim: Is it? [Sequoia laughs] Like okay, there’s… There’s this many brooms at school, I come down here once a week...
Sequoia: I come down here once a week.
Kim: I can…
Sequoia: Fondle…
Kim: Yup, that’s the word I would use.
Sequoia: [laughs] I hate that that was… I hate that I just… Just continue.
Kim: [laughs] After a while, though, even just wanking off on the brooms got to be a little boring.
Sequoia: [scoffs] Yeah! [In a tone that denotes failure] Wa-wa! [laughs]. Okay.
Kim: This isn’t enough to satisfy my sexual urges! And that was when Cormac decided to start experimenting.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: Needless to say… I love this sentence. The sentence that starts “needless to say” right after that, is not going anywhere…
Sequoia: [laughs] Needless to say!
Kim: Needless to say, the Comets were by far the most pleasing of broom models.
Sequoia: Why is that needless to say, though?
Kim: [giggles] Because, The handles were very wide and perfect for penetration.
Sequoia: Oh God! Oh God!
Kim: [laughs]
Sequoia: I know you said you would find something disgusting for me and I feel like... I feel like this…
Kim: This one… this… this fic… I love this fic so much! I love it. But there was one broom that Cormac had never even so much as laid a hand on. THE broom. The one broom to rule them all.
Sequoia: Firebolt.
Kim: The Firebolt.
Sequoia: Yep!
Kim: Harry Potter’s precious broom.
Sequoia: Oh my God! No! Harry can’t just… No! Wait! Ah!
Kim: [laughs] Yeah? What? Whaddup? Whaddup?
Sequoia: [laughs] I’m so upset.
Kim: A moan tumbled from Cormac’s lips as though he… As he thought about the smooth texture of the Firebolt. The way it turned so gracefully in the sky. The way its bristles were always trimmed and neat. With a cry, Cormac came all over Weasley’s Cleansweep Seven. [Sequoia yells, both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh boy, you need to talk to somebody.
Kim: [continues to laugh]. He’s…
Sequoia: He’s got a problem!
Kim: Oh my… He’s… he’s masturbating onto this broom, thinking about another broom. [laughs]
Sequoia: ‘S like… a whole other level. Oh my God!
Kim: Breathing heavily, he tucked himself back into his trousers and walked quickly from the shed. He never cleaned up afterwards.
Sequoia: Eww! People, like…
Kim: Heinous! Just heinous!
Sequoia: People handle those on the reg.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: How would someone not…?
Kim: Be like…
Sequoia: Yeah! I feel like…
Kim: What’s this white sticky stuff all over my broom? I guess there’s just a sap leak! [Sequoia laughs] Sap white? Hmm…
Sequoia: Like, like… I feel like especially after a couple of years somebody’s like, [Kim laughs] This… There is something afoot here.
Kim: This is the four... I mean, he’s only doing it to like one broom a week… You might not notice it.
Sequoia: That’s… I… Yeah, I guess. [Kim laughs] I guess.
Kim: Like, Oh there’s this weird debris that accumulates on some brooms every once in a while.
Sequoia: I like how that’s like a specificity of the story, though.
Kim: Yeah, that he didn’t clean up?
Sequoia: That he doesn’t clean up.
Kim: They needed you to know that about Cormac. He doesn’t clean up. [there is a pause]
Sequoia: He wouldn’t.
Kim: He wouldn’t, right?!
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah I guess I totally buy that, character-wise. [laughs]
Kim: Totally. This is fucking in character as… as anything.
Sequoia: Continue.
Kim: [sighs] As Cormac walked back up towards the castle, constantly on the look-out for Filch or Snape prowling in the corridors, he began to think more and more about the Firebolt. Merlin, what he wouldn’t do to just… touch it. Potter didn’t keep the broom in the shed, though, and Cormac did not blame him one bit. Because he’s gonna masterbate on it!
Sequoia: Mmm, yeah! [both laugh]
Kim: Maybe Harry knows.
Sequoia: Yeah. Well, you would… you would hope that he would tell the Weasleys.
Kim: Yeah, I guess so.
Sequoia: Like, Don’t keep your brooms in the shed, someone is jizzing all over them all the time and not cleaning up. [both laugh]
Kim: [sighs] A Firebolt needed to be coddled and worshipped. Revered and honored. Not stuck in some smelly old shed that could catch fire at any moment.
Sequoia: Mmm. [laughing] That’s why I don’t keep my broom in the shed.
Kim: Do you think that’s his exit strategy?
Sequoia: That strategy…
Kim: Like if someone is ever like, What’s all this white stuff? He just lights the shed on fire? [both laugh]
Sequoia: It just caught fire! It could catch fire at any time, guys!
Kim: Any mo... It’s full of wood!
Sequoia: At any moment!
Kim: [sighs] Fuck. He was hard again. Clenching and unclenching his fists, Cormac all but ran up to Gryffindor tower. He gasped out the password to the Fat Lady and burst into the empty common room, before stumbling up the stairs to the seventh years’ dormitory. On the sixth floor, however, he stopped dead in his tracks. It was Potter’s room.
Sequoia: Oh, don’t do it!
Kim: He knew Potter…
Sequoia: Don’t do it!
Kim: ... kept the Firebolt somewhere safe inside. But where, Cormac hadn’t a clue. Most likely in his trunk, or under his bed. He glanced quickly at his watch, it was just after two am. His cock gave another pulse at the thought... [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh my God! Someone wrote this! [laughs]
Kim: Yeah, and I read it, and now I’m reading it to you. Thought this needed to be shared with, like, way more people than have read it. I dunno how many people have read it. I’m curious actually… This has fifteen hits on Archive of Our Own. And, like…
Sequoia: Only fifteen? No one is actively searching for Cormac McLaggen/every broom?
Kim: Right? [Sequoia laughs] Like…
Sequoia: That’s not, like, in the drop-down menu?
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: There’s no selection for every broom?
Kim: Everyone, everyone needs to read this because I’m pretty sure that this is canon. [Sequoia laughs] It’s my canon now.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: [sighs] Where was I?
Sequoia: Okay, I wanna know if he’s gonna go in there.
Kim: His cock gave another pulse at the thought of finally, finally being able to touch Potter’s broom. And, with his mind made up, Cormac pushed open the heavy door and crept quietly into the pitch black room.
Sequoia: Oh my God. Dude.
Kim: [giggles] He’s got no chill.
Sequoia: You are crossing a line.
Kim: He cannot handle himself.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah! Definition of “no chill.”
Kim: Gonna go for it. [Sequoia sighs] He made not a sound as he slowly worked his way across the room. When his eyes gradually adjusted to the darkness, Cormac could see that some light was peeking through the windows and he was able to make out a trunk, sitting at the foot of a bed with the initials HP on it. Grinning madly, he practically sprinted towards the bed and landed on his knees with a soft thud when he reached the trunk. Cormac wasn’t surprised that there wasn’t a locking charm or some other anti-theft device on Potter’s trunk. He was Gryffindor through and through. And for some unknown reason he seemed to actually trust his dorm-mates.
Sequoia: Y’know what? Harry’s not going around being like, Man, if I don’t lock my trunk, somebody’s gonna come in here and masturbate on my broom! [Both laugh]
Kim: I mean… Just boarding school things?
Sequoia: Mmm… Okay. [laughs]
Kim: I have no idea what boarding school is like. [laughs] “The fool,” Cormac thought... [both laugh]...shaking his head sadly. Didn’t he know any one of his supposed friends could steal the Firebolt at any moment?
Sequoia: Didn’t he know that I’ve been trying for years… [Kim laughs]
Both: ...to just…
Kim: Borrow it for like three minutes? [both laugh] With a snort of disgust, Cormac began to rifle through the endless amounts of mismatched socks, soft-core porn and spare bits of parchment in the trunk.
Sequoia: Those are the three necessities of life. [Kim laughs] Also I feel like he’s making a lot of noise.
Kim: Yeah, he’s, like…
Sequoia: Like it might be two o’clock in the morning but he’s…
Kim: Rifling through the trunk really loudly and then judging Harry for having porn in his trunk.
Sequoia: Yeah, like, Oh, look at this… [Kim laughs] ’I just left my jizz all over the... Weasley’s broom in the broom thing.
Kim: But he found no broom. But Cormac wasn’t thwarted by any means.
Sequoia: I wouldn’t think so.
Kim: It just meant that the Firebolt was elsewhere in the room. He searched under the bed, but after finding only mothballs and more porn...
Sequoia: Jeez, Harry!
Kim: “Honestly! Did the boy do nothing but wank?” thought Cormac.
Sequoia: Cormac… You…
Kim: [laughs] He only does it once a week. In the broom shed.
Sequoia: Okay. Right. [Kim laughs] So it’s okay?
Kim: So it’s okay.
Sequoia: So it’s okay for him to judge Harry…?
Kim: [laughs] For having a surprising amount of pornography.
Sequoia: Harry doesn’t have that much porn sitting around.
Kim: Yeah… probably just like… one, like, tiny picture that’s kinda like… grainy.
Sequoia: Mm-hmm.
Kim: I dunno.
Sequoia: That is like, hidden under something inside something, y’know like… [Kim laughs] Where no one could ever find it because he would be like, [imitating an embarrassed Harry] Oh no… Oh no… [Kim laughs again] It’s…
Kim: Harry’s like what?
Sequoia: [laughing] That’s the noise Harry makes when people find his porn. [both laugh] Okay, now that we’ve gone on that tangent…
Kim: Uh oh…
Sequoia: Continue.
Kim: Um… Cormac began to scan the walls. And that’s when he saw it. Bathed in the moonlight, Potter’s Firebolt stood, propped in a corner. Cormac…
Sequoia: Oh it was just out in the open.
Kim: Yeah, no. It wasn’t in the…
Sequoia: Cormac was just like, Lemme search through all this shit.
Kim: ‘S just sitting there! Potter’s Firebolt stood propped in a corner. Cormac exhaled through his nose and rose shakily from the floor. This was what he had come here for. This was what he’d been dreaming of for the past few years. He couldn’t prevent a quiet moan from escaping his throat when he finally touched the smooth wood of the broom.
Sequoia: I like how… I like how he was like, Uh gotta... Get it off... A lil quiet moan after I’ve just loudly shuffled through every one of Harry’s possessions.
Kim: [laughs and imitates what Cormac has just done] Rumble, rumble, rumble, rumble, rumble, rumble, rumble… [Sequoia laughs]
Both: Sneaky, sneaky, sneaky, sneaky.
Kim: But luckily none of the other boys in the room so much as stirred.
Sequoia: Fine!
Kim: Although the rumbling might have... I… You know, I would think that…
Sequoia: Especially at like… At the foot of my bed.
Kim: Or when he’s like, crawling around underneath Harry’s bed?
Sequoia: Yeah! Yeah. Wait. Nope.
Both: Anyway! [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Cormac picked up the Firebolt and weighed it in his hands before putting the handle underneath his nose and inhaling deeply. His eyes rolled in the back of his head. “Oh God! It’s too much! Too much! Bloody Hell!” [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh no. Oh no.
Kim: Throwing a cautionary glance over his shoulder, Cormac ripped open his trousers, pulled out his cock and began to wank while he continued to caress the broom and fondle its bristles.
Sequoia: Y’know, maybe if you do share a room with six boys… [Kim laughs] For… for six years, maybe…
Kim: You just learn to ignore the sounds of…
Both: Masturbation.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: You know, you almost definitely do.
Sequoia: Yeah, I think that’s probably plausible but also hilarious [both laugh]
Kim: I like that he’s fondling the bristles.
Sequoia: You know, coming from a Quidditch background, we used to… [Kim laughs] We used to have bristles on our brooms and they gave us broom burn… [Kim laughs louder] So there’s no bristles on the brooms anymore. So I literally can’t handle that. [laughs]
Kim: Oh I… Oh, I can’t even think about that.
Sequoia: Yep! Yep. There ya go.
Kim: Oh no… Sequoia. [clears throat] Please don’t email us… tweet us...
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Or Instagram us….
Sequoia: No.
Kim: ...anything about broom stuff [laughs]
Sequoia: Especially not Instagram. [laughs]
Kim: But if ya do, make sure to tag Sequoia. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: No!
Kim: [sighs] It didn’t take long for him to come violently.
Sequoia: Yeah, I’m not surprised by that.
Kim: No. Not even a little bit surprised.
Sequoia: Nope.
Kim: All over the broom handle and a little on the floor. Cormac quickly tucked himself back in his trousers, propped the broom back in the corner.
Sequoia: He’s just gonna leave it!
Kim: [laughs] Duh! And stumbled from the room on shaky legs. Once he was in his own dorm, Cormac collapsed in his bed and proceeded to have the best night’s sleep he’d had in years.
Sequoia: Oh good.
Kim: Yeah, isn’t that nice? [Sequoia laughs] Isn’t that…?
Sequoia: That is…
Both: Nice! [they laugh]
Sequoia: Harry Potter awoke the next morning…
Kim: The next morning, Harry Potter woke…
Sequoia: Yes! Yes!
Kim: What are you…? Are you like… reading over my shoulder?
Sequoia: Oh, absolutely not! [Kim laughs] See? This is the thing. I can’t make predictions beforehand…
Kim: Uh huh, but we’re in the middle of it…
Sequoia: But I can tell you exactly what the next sentence is, apparently. [Kim laughs and sighs]
Kim: The next morning, Harry Potter woke up from a strange dream he’d been having. The git McLaggen had been dancing with a struggling Hermione in an elaborate ballroom, while Ron had jumped up and down in the background screaming “Kill him! Kill him!” [Sequoia laughs] He, Harry, on the other hand, had been engaging in lewd acts with his Firebolt. Acts he was quite sure were illegal throughout most of the world. Why he was having sexual dreams about brooms was beyond him. Though, when Harry went flying later on that day, he wondered why his hands kept sticking to the handle. The End. [Sequoia softly screams] I love this story.
Sequoia: What?
Kim: I… love this story. I love… everything about this story.
Sequoia: Why is it called Precious?
Kim: At one point he refers to the Firebolt as if it were the one ring. It’s a Lord of the Rings reference.
Sequoia: Oh. I was like… Okay. I was… I was…
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: I was torn when I... [laughs] When I was doing my predictions…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And I wondered if it was a Lord of the Rings reference.
Kim: Yeah. But you still…
Sequoia: But, like, there’s no...
Kim: If there’s… Do you think you would’ve ever got any part of that?
Sequoia: No. No. No. [Kim laughs] I was ready.
Kim: Oh my G... When I found this story and I was like, Cormac McLaggen is the main character? I’m fucking in, let’s go! [Sequoia laughs]. He’s just so amazing...
Sequoia: ...ly awful.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: [softly] Yes.
Sequoia: Yeah that’s… You know what? It’s… it’s… it’s kind of upsetting that this…
Kim: Slots really nicely into canon?
Sequoia: Yep. [Kim laughs] Some of your like…yeah, okay.
Kim: Plausible.
Sequoia: I can see that.
Kim: Plausible.
Sequoia: I can see that from him.
Kim: And you know, what did I say when we started about what I like in a fanfiction? Canon compliance. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh my God. Oh man.
Kim: [sighs] What do you think?
Sequoia: Um…
Kim: We’ve… we’ve been staying away from, like, more hardcore stuff so far.
Sequoia: Mm-hmm.
Kim: I mean we’re only… we’ve only done three episodes so far, but I mean…
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: There’s so much of it that it would be easy to do it every episode.
Sequoia: Yeah. Not… not only could we not avoid it…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: But, like…
Kim: It’s such a huge part of…
Sequoia: Yeah. There’s like… I dunno. There’s a lot of storied history to erotica.
Kim: Of course. So…
Sequoia: I would say that all of my predictions were wrong.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Pretty…
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Pretty solidly.
Kim: Yep. All right!
Sequoia: Is there anything we want to…
Kim: Do you need to, like, go take a shower? [laughs]
Sequoia: [Laughs] Yeah! Also with the air conditioning being off I just feel very… [sighs]
Kim: [sighs] It’s a little… steamy in here.
Sequoia: Whew.
Kim: Got steamy! So, thanks for listening to this episode. Now that those stories are over I have a recommendation for everyone. To go along with the sexiness this story is also a sexy story. It’s called Hot as an Oven. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Good.
Kim: It’s a short story about Sirius… how Sirius makes Harry’s birthday cake for his fourteenth birthday. [laughs]
Sequoia: Okay, that’s…
Kim: So you should read it.
Sequoia: Everyone should go read it ‘cause I’m gonna go read it, ‘cause what?
Kim: It’s… it’s got… it’s… Sirius makes Harry’s birthday cake and then does it with someone. It’s Remus. [both laugh] Can we…? Can we talk about how they’re my non-canon OTP? My one true pairing.
Sequoia: If you… if you looked at me and were like, Hey Sequoia, what’s my non-canon OTP? I would’ve been like, Obviously it’s Sirius and Remus. I don’t know why we’re having this conversation.
Kim: [laughs] I love them so much.
Sequoia: Awesome. Well everybody go read that thing.
Kim: It’s really good. The link will be in the description of this episode.
Sequoia: As per the usual.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Coming up here, we do have… So this is gonna be released on September the eleventh.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: And then on September the twenty-first through to the twenty-third it is Salt Lake City Comic-Con.
Kim: [cheering] What, What!
Sequoia: [joining in] What, what what!
Kim: I’m super looking forward to attending!
Sequoia: Yeah. It’s gonna be super fun. We will both be there.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: I will be speaking on two panels. A Quidditch panel and a debate panel where we will be debating if Snape is a hero or not.
Kim: So come watch her. I’ll be there watching her, probably, and probably heckling. Like I do.
Sequoia: Definitely heckling.
Kim: Y’know.
Sequoia: Come have a strange interaction with us. [laughs]
Kim: Say [drawn out] hiiii.
Sequoia: Yeah, say it just like that, though. [Kim laughs]
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: [imitating Kim] Hi… And then we’ll be like Oh my God.
Kim: It’s you! It’s you!
Sequoia: A person listens to our podcast!
Kim: Hi there!
Sequoia: Hi! [pause] Cool. As per the usual, you can find us…
Kim: Find us on… Facebook, Twitter and Instagram under Fanatical Fics.
Sequoia: You can send us an email at fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Kim: Yeah. Let us know what you’re thinking about how we’re doing… I dunno.
Sequoia: Sure.
Kim: Say that Cormac is your favorite character and tell us why.
Sequoia: Definitely tell us that.
Kim: I wanna hear about it. [both laugh] Oh no, wait! Tell us the reasons that Ginny doesn’t suck. That’s what I wanna hear.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Give us a long list.
Sequoia: I want all of them.
Kim: Mm-hmm.
Sequoia: You can also just like send us like eighty tweets. [Kim laughs] You can just tweet the list to us one at a time. That’s fine.
Kim: Eighty Reasons about Why You Guys are Wrong about Ginny Weasley and Draco. Want it. Send it to us.
Sequoia: Do it. Tweet it at us.
Kim: Give it to me! @FanaticalFics. You can find the podcast at SoundCloud, iTunes and Google Play and maybe some other podcast aggregators.
Sequoia: Mm-hmm.
Kim: I dunno.
Sequoia: Probably some other stuff.
Kim: [softly] Things.
Sequoia: You never know. [both laugh] You never know!
Kim: And we’ll be back in two weeks. After we’re done with Comic-Con.
Sequoia: Yeah it’ll be awesome.
Kim: Yeah. Our thanks as always to The Whomping Willows for the use of our theme song. It’s their amazing song, Wolfstar.
Sequoia: Bye.
Kim: See you then! [laughs]
Sequoia: Bye.