Episode 37: The Ambivalent Pearl
This podcast episode is going to start a revolution. You’ll feel it soon.
Recommendation: A Trip to Remember
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/1823013/1/A-Trip-to-Remember
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Jeanne
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Sequoia: Hey, did I tell you that somebody bought a sticker?
Kim: On Cyber Monday?!
Sequoia: On Cyber Monday. [laughs]
Kim: Somebody used the hot deal?
Sequoia: They didn’t use the hot deal, they just bought a sticker. [both laugh]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello! I’m Sequoia Simone!
Kim: And I’m Kim!
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It’s our podcast about Harry Potter fanfiction.
Sequoia: H. P. Fan. Fic. [laughs]
Kim: [while laughing] What are you doing?
Sequoia: I don’t know. I’m trying to be a good hype man.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Getting hyped about Harry Potter fanfiction.
Kim: Sure. I’m always hyped about Harry Potter fanfiction because what even is it?
Sequoia: [laughs] Great. It’s great.
Kim: What did I just say? I was gonna... I was gonna make a segue.
Sequoia: You were?
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Did I cut off a segue you were gonna make? You want me to go back? You want me to replay it?
Kim: I mean, like, it was partially forming in my mind. Let’s pretend there was a segue.
Sequoia: Great segue, Kim.
Kim: Into... we’ve both seen Fanatical… nope.
Sequoia: [trying not to burst out laughing] No.
Kim: Fantastical… [both laugh]
Sequoia: Okay, I kid you not, though, I have done that more than once.
Kim: It’s amazing that I haven’t done it yet.
Sequoia: Right? We both saw Fantastic Beasts.
Kim: Two. 2 Fantastic 2 Beasts. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: 2 Fantastic 2 Beasts.
Kim: Yep. I’m gonna save that for every movie. [Sequoia laughs] 3 Fantastic 3 Beasts. That’s stu... that’s a terrible... why would I do that?
Sequoia: 3 Fantastic 3 Beasts?
Kim: I don’t know.
Sequoia: You got five of them to do it for, so… [Kim scoffs] woohoo!
Kim: We did.
Sequoia: We saw it
Kim: We saw the movie. We have seen it now.
Sequoia: We’ve seen it. So...
Kim: We did it.
Sequoia: There will be some Patreon bonus content where we have…
Kim: Talk... talk about it.
Sequoia: ...stuff...
Kim: We’re gonna talk.
Sequoia: ...to say about it. It’s fine.
Kim: Do you wanna tell… do you wanna just let them know?
Sequoia: Yeah. I mean, you know, disclaimer. Warning. Spoiler alert.
Both: We didn’t like it.
Kim: We didn’t like it.
Sequoia: We did not like it.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: So yeah, if you are one of our Patrons on Patreon, you will get an earful of some of that. [laughs]
Kim: [through laughter] No one’s gonna listen to that.
Sequoia: They will. You will, right?
Kim: I mean, maybe there’ll be some hot, speculative takes.
Sequoia: I… do love some hot speculative takes, you know?
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: I do.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Yeah, so feel free... listen. And also, tell us...
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: Tell us what you thought.
Kim: Yeah, let us know.
Sequoia: It’s way more interesting than hearing what Kim has to say about it.
Kim: My thoughts are garbage…
Sequoia: Garbage.
Kim: ...and they’re really stupid. [Sequoia laughs] But I got a lot of them.
Sequoia: So many.
Kim: They’re all about half-elves though, so... [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Half-elves!
Kim: ...spoiler alert.
Sequoia: Anyway, tell us what you thought. Whether you’re a Patron or not, we wanna hear your thoughts on…
Kim: Whatever.
Sequoia: ...that thing that happened.
Kim: Send... send them to us. Through any… the… well, you know.... you know the drill.
Sequoia: You. Know. The. Drill.
Kim: Probably.
Sequoia: Maybe. Welcome to the podcast, folks.
Kim: We got some feedback that we are implementing.
Sequoia: Oh! Yes!
Kim: Right now.
Sequoia: we are implementing it right now.
Kim: So previously in the predictions section, we would give out title and genre. We’re gonna start giving out… we’re not sure what’s gonna work best. We’re gonna try what book it came out after, because that’s what you would see in the summary of a story.
Sequoia: Right, yeah.
Kim: So if you would... if you feel like that’s not maybe the best thing for us to do, let us know. We could do year instead? I don’t really know.
Sequoia: Yeah. I mean, yeah, I think it’ll be…
Kim: I think which book it come... came out after is the information I want.
Sequoia: Exactly. And it’s the information that, like, fanfiction writers are like giving you...
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: ...as context for their story, a lot of the time. So…
Kim: Yeah. A lot of the time, like… even like nowadays I guess, more than previously, they’ll be like, this is an AU and it diverges after this book.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Which is kind of [Sequoia laughs] what old fanfiction is too.
Sequoia: Yeah, it is. Oh man. Just...
Kim: Huh.
Sequoia: ...broke my whole world view. Cool. I liked it. So, we’re gonna start doing that with our predictions portion.
Kim: Which we’re doing right now.
Sequoia: Which we’re doing right now. And I do not envy any of you the task at hand. [laughs]
Kim: We are so bad at this game. The reason why we didn’t do that, the year originally, was we wanted the game to be difficult.
Sequoia: Yes. And then it was too difficult. [Kim laughs] For us, mainly.
Kim: Yep. Just for us. [Sequoia laughs] We’re bad. We’re so bad. Is it a funny bit how bad we are at this?
Sequoia: [trying not to laugh] Tell us what bits are funny [Kim laughs] and what bits aren’t. Everything is just…
Kim: We’re gonna…
Sequoia: ...gonna become one…
Kim: ...keep doing all the bits.
Sequoia: ...indiscernible mass of [Kim laughs] bits. [laughs]
Kim: [while laughing] Stupid.
Sequoia: We don’t know how to function.
Kim: Are we okay? We’re recording much later than we usually do. [Sequoia laughs] It’s so late. It’s so dark.
Sequoia: It is so dark. Winter. [sighs] [Kim laughs] Classic. No, so here we’re gonna get started with our predictions.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And folks, today I have for you a story entitled The Ambivalent Pearl.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: It is humor.
Kim: [whispering] Fuckin’ shit.
Sequoia: It came out... oh yeah, and it came out post Order of the Phoenix.
Kim: Great. That’s actually... that’s really helpful information I think actually, ‘cause now we can be like, Luna will be there. [both laugh]
Sequoia: As opposed to those times I got screwed over [Kim laughs] by saying Luna was going to be there. [whispers] Fucking shit.
Kim: Okay. This story... oh! Listeners, don’t forget to send your predictions to us. [Sequoia snorts and laughs quietly]
Sequoia: [quietly, while laughing] Jesus Christ.
Kim: We’re not okay. Tweet them at us.
Sequoia: Using the hashtag #FanficDivination. Also, make sure to @ us. Do @ us. So that we can see them.
Kim: Because we love them.
Sequoia: Because we love them. We love knowing how much better you guys are at this thing.
Kim: Much better. One of the listeners... one of their predictions last time was that someone a character would spend the entire story in the nude and…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Like, obviously!
Sequoia: Duh!
Kim: That’s a great prediction!
Sequoia: Duh! Oh my God! I was...
Kim: Jeez.
Sequoia: Yeah, I was like…
Kim: Ten out of ten, man.
Sequoia: Great job. That was also our artist, who’s the best, so…
Kim: Yeah. Yeah. [both laugh] She did a good job.
Sequoia: All right, what do you think? What do you got for me?
Kim: I’ve been stalling, and nothing. I’ve got nothing.
Sequoia: I know.
Kim: Okay, so. It centers around an enchanted object.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: That’s a good prediction.
Kim: Yeah! Ummm… Now we can’t really do the what year it takes place in, ‘cause now that we’re doing what book it came out after…
Sequoia: Ohhhh.
Kim: That’s super obvious now.
Sequoia: I didn’t even think of that.
Kim: I mean, we overused that prediction anyway.
Sequoia: It wasn’t...
Kim: It was not a good one.
Sequoia: It was a bad prediction, yeah. It was a bad… yeah.
Kim: Yeah. I’m gonna guess that the main character of the story is Ron.
Sequoia: ‘Kay. [Kim laughs]
Kim: And I’m gonna guess that the story… does not take place at Hogwarts.
Sequoia: All right.
Kim: Is that specific enough?
Sequoia: Yeah, I think that’s fine.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: I think that’s fine. I think that you can like...
Kim: Enough of them take place at Hogwarts.
Sequoia: Take place at Hogwarts, yeah.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: I think that’s fine. All right, folks. Get your predictions in, and get ready for The Ambivalent Pearl.
Kim: That’s a great name. I think that’s my new... that’s a good band name. [Sequoia laughs] Band name. Why are you laughing?
Sequoia: All right, here we go. [laughs]
Kim: [under her breath] Oh no.
Sequoia: So this is… this only has one chapter, but the chapter has a chapter title anyway.
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: ‘Kay. Are you ready?
Kim: Love it. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: ‘Kay. I just love… ‘kay.
Kim: It’s a subtitle.
Sequoia: The subtitle. Chapter one. Starting the Girl Rock Revolution. [laughs]
Kim: Fuck! [Sequoia laughs harder] Fucking serious? That’s awesome! [laughs]
Sequoia: I LOVE that you’re not gonna get a point for that.
Kim: Band name. Band name.
Sequoia: [through laughter] But that it still happened. Band name.
Kim: That is a great band name! [Sequoia laughs] Dammit!
Sequoia: I wasn’t even gonna... I was not gonna read that chapter title and then you said that and I was like, nope. [Kim laughs] Love doing that shit right out the gate.
Kim: Wow!
Sequoia: Too much.
Kim: What kind of band are they? It sounds like... it sounds like an indie folk band name. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Oh, you don’t even know. Okay. Here we go. Starting the Girl Rock Revolution. [Kim laughs] Hermione Granger looked up warily from the book she was reading.
Kim: Is Hermione gonna be in the girl group? [Sequoia laughs] Oh, she’s gonna play the triangle. [Sequoia laughs harder]
Sequoia: Oh you don’t even know. Just… [both laugh] Okay. Hermione Granger looked up warily from the book she was reading, at the excited and giggly entrance of Ginny, Tonks, and Luna.
Kim: [makes doubtful noises] What? A weird assort… I mean, yes Ginny and Tonks. Yes. Great band.
Sequoia: You... you don’t... you don’t think Luna’s gonna make a great band member?
Kim: Also playing the triangle. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: It’s a band. They all play the triangle.
Kim: No, wait, Luna plays the saxophone.
Sequoia: Oh yeah! We forgot!
Kim: Clarinet?
Sequoia: No, it was the...
Kim: What did she play? Was it the saxophone?
Sequoia: It was the saxophone.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: No, it was the trumpet!
Kim: The trumpet. That’s riiiight. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: [through laughter] Yeah, Luna plays the trumpet. I forgot.
Kim: We knew that. We knew that. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh man. Awesome. Some people have a sixth sense about who will owl them next. Hermione had developed a sixth sense for potentially dangerous schemes she was about to get dragged into.
Kim: I mean, yes.
Sequoia: Yeah. But... but that’s like...
Kim: But... but if Ginny enters the room? Oh, dangerous scheme. [Sequoia laughs] Harry enters the room. Oh…
Both: Dangerous scheme. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: That’s not… that’s not a sixth sense.
Sequoia: You wake up. It’s a day. [Kim laughs] Dangerous scheme. [laughs]
Kim: Ugh, yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah. [both laugh] Not really a great sixth sense, Hermione. The fact that all three were approaching her with wide grins and huge innocent eyes did nothing to relieve her suspicions.
Kim: What do they… I would ask Hermione to be, like, band manager.
Sequoia: Yeah! Oh, she’d be a great band manager. Like the… like Summer in School of Rock.
Kim: Yeah! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, she’s basically Hermione.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Band manager.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: [dragging out] “Hermione!” [laughs]
Kim: I was drinking some whatever and it came out of my nose and…
Sequoia: Don’t... don’t try to... try to hide the fact…
Kim: Whose voice was that? [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: It’s Ginny.
Kim: Fine. Yeah, all right.
Sequoia: Ginny stated by exclaiming her name, and then moved on to the terrifying purpose behind this visit. “We’ve decided to start a girl rock revolution, [Kim begins laughing] and you are the missing ingredient…”
Kim: That is...
Sequoia: “...in our band.” [both laugh]
Kim: Who says... who comes up to a person and is like, We are starting a...
Both: ...rock revolution... [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: ...with a straight face? Who has ever said that?
Sequoia: Ginny did.
Kim: Great. Fine.
Sequoia: Right now. [both laugh] “WHAT?”
Kim: I mean, that’s not that ridiculous.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I mean, it is a ridiculous thing to say, but Ginny and Tonks and Luna, I guess, are gonna be a band.
Sequoia: [high pitched] I guess. [laughs; Kim joins in]
Kim: It’s fine. That sounds fun.
Sequoia: To say that Hermione was surprised would be to understate things slightly.
Kim: Huh? What???
Sequoia: Whaaaat? Me?? In a band?? [both laugh] Tonks jumped in … okay.
Kim: No!
Sequoia: I gotta get back in the zone. [both laugh] [both mimic electric guitars] [singing] Get in the zone! Okay. [both laugh] Tonks jumped in to back Ginny up, “There’s nothing else to do trapped here for the summer.”
Kim: Why is she trapped? Why is Tonks…? [Sequoia laughs] What? Tonks. Go. To. Work.
Sequoia: Tonks, you have work.
Kim: You have a job.
Sequoia: [laughing] You are an adult. [Kim snorts] There’s nothing else to do trapped here for the summer!
Kim: I’m so bored! [both laugh] Maybe she’s on Harry protection duty.
Sequoia: Oh yeah. That’s trapped for sure.
Kim: Fucking Harry. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Fucking Harry. “I’m sure Sirius would be thrilled to have his house used as the base of operations for a band made up of gorgeous women.”
Kim: Huh?
Sequoia: I don’t know. They’re just like, in the in the memory of Sirius Black, we rock.
Kim: Oh, is he dead? I mean he could be not dead today.
Sequoia: He’s dead.
Kim: Is he?
Sequoia: We said this was post…
Kim: Yeah, but that doesn’t mean [Sequoia laughs] that Sirius is dead. When has that ever meant that Sirius was dead?
Sequoia: I mean… okay, valid. Valid point. I think I think they are…
Kim: In Sirius’s memory, starting a girl group.
Sequoia: They are rocking in remembrance.
Kim: That’s valid. That’s valid.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Although I don’t know that... oh, whatever.
Sequoia: Whatever. [laughs] “I can’t play guitar or drums or anything.”
Kim: Triangle.
Sequoia: “And I certainly can’t sing,”
Kim: Triangle.
Sequoia: Yeah, tri... Hermione.
Kim: Washboard. [both laugh] You know what? I’m gonna go with washboard.
Sequoia: Just, like, one stick and the ground. [both laugh] Hermione, take this stick, bang it against the ground.
Kim: [laughing] It’s the worst band I’ve ever heard of. I’m so in.
Sequoia: [announcer voice] We’re called Ambivalent Pearl. Hermione on stick-ground.
Kim: Let me do a...
Sequoia: [laughing] Luna on the trumpet.
Kim: Let me do a stick-ground noise.
Sequoia: Okay.
[Kim makes noises that sound like clapping or tapping against the ground or some nearby surface]
Sequoia: Oh yeah. I feel the revolution in my blood. [laughs as Kim continues with the noise] I’m sure this is a really pleasant noise for listeners.
Kim: It wasn’t too loud in my headphones.
Sequoia: Hmm, sure. [laughs] Hermione was beginning to panic...
Kim: Why? Just say no!
Sequoia: She’s like, I can’t because I can’t sing and I don’t know what’s a stick. [sighs] “That’s all right. We found out you used to play cello. [Kim laughs] We’re sure you were as much of a perfectionist about it as you are about everything else.”
Kim: Awesome.
Sequoia: “We want something different in our band.”
Kim: Electric cello. [Sequoia laughs] Is she gonna play the electric cello?
Sequoia: She gonna play the fucking cello. [both laugh] It doesn’t say electric cello at any point, but it is.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: It is.
Kim: Oh yeah. [laughs]
Sequoia: Great. [laughs]
Kim: Awesome.
Sequoia: It’s like, Luna on the trumpet…
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: ...Hermione on the cello.
Kim: Yup. [laughs]
Sequoia: The ROCK REVOLUTION. [laughs]
Kim: That sounds amazing! All right, what…?
Sequioa: Already.
Kim: Let’s keep going. I wanna know what Ginny and Tonks are playing. Double bass.
Sequoia: Luna sta.... [laughs] Dammit. Luna stated all of this matter of factly, but there was a distant gleam in her eye. There’s always a distant gleam in her eye.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: “Do I have a choice?”
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Now Hermione just looked pathetic as she silently begged her friends not to drag her into this.
Kim: I mean, [laughs] you’re just gonna play music with them for a second and that’s gonna be the end of it.
Sequoia: They’re... no. No.
Kim: Oh. [trying not to laugh] They’re starting a revolution.
Sequoia: They’re starting a revolution! Dear God, are you not listening to the story?
Kim: I feel like if everybody’s not on board [Sequoia laughs] with the revolution…
Sequoia: Oh, she’s gonna get on board with the revolution.
Kim: Is she gonna get…? [both laugh] All right, all right, all right.
Sequoia: She asks if she has a choice. “Nope.” [Kim laughs] “This is not fair,” Hermione remarked to the universe at large as she was dragged out of the library and into Tonks’s bedroom. Okay.
Kim: Why’s Tonks… Tonks has a... Tonks has a house.
Sequoia: No, she lives… at Grimmauld Place with them so she can watch Harry over the summer and she doesn’t have a job. [Kim laughs] So she must start the girl rock revolution. [both laugh] It’s fiiine.
Kim: Are we gonna drop links to Wrock bands in the description again?
Sequoia: Yes. Specifically Tonks and the Aurors.
Kim: Yeah. [Sequoia laughs] Yup.
Sequoia: “Okay,” Tonks looked around her room enthusiastically, “Who has an idea for a band name?”
Kim: Who doesn’t have ideas for band names?
Sequoia: [briefly laughs] She Likes Cloth.
Kim: I got one. Quintic Spline
Sequoia: Yeah. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: This is some math words.
Sequoia: I’ve got Harry and the Potters. [Kim laughs]
Kim: [music agent voice] That’s the best name [Sequoia laughs] I’ve ever heard, kid.
Sequoia: The girls sat in a circle pondering deeply for five minutes before Ginny got bored. “I have an idea,” she exclaimed, “I’ll be right back!” [Kim laughs]
Kim: Are they gonna do that thing where they randomly generate a band name? Do you remember…
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: ...like the internet thing that you used to do? Like, you would click through three Wikipedia pages and then click through some stock photos and then you would put ‘em together and that’s your first album. And they were always... valid. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Checks out, checks out. Yes, they will be randomly generating the name.
Kim: All right. They going to use wizard Wikipedia?
Sequoia: They didn’t just come up with Ambivalent Pearl.
Kim: Shame. [Sequoia laughs] Decent band name.
Sequoia: “While she’s gone, does anyone mind telling me what instruments the rest of you will be playing?”
Kim: Not that it matt... you’re playing the fucking cello. [laughs]
Sequoia: You’re playing the cello and that’s all that matters.
Kim: This band’s gonna be… this band’s gonna be somethin’.
Sequoia: Center stage. [both laugh] Electric cello. [both continue to laugh]
Kim: Oh, I wanna see that so bad. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: “Good thinking, Hermione. Ginny will be playing drums. Primal red headed rage and all that.”
Kim: What? [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah. She’s got primal, red headed rage so she must… hit the drums… ferociously.
Kim: [quiet] What?
Sequoia: And also, has a… you know. Keeps good time. [both laugh] Oh God. [Kim makes the stick on ground noise] Yeah. Oh good. Okay. You are... you’re in the band. [Kim groans] You did it. [both laugh] “Luna will be playing lead electric guitar.”
Kim: No. [both laugh]
Sequoia: “And…”
Kim: That’s not true. [Sequoia continues laughing] Wrong.
Sequoia: Don’t you know she plays the trumpet, though?
Kim: Maybe... maybe she, like, pulls it out every once in a while. Like, we don’t have it in every song but then…
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: [quietly] ...they have the trumpet song.
Sequoia: That’s another Harry and the Potters thing. Pull out the saxophone every once in a while.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah!
Sequoia: It’s fine.
Kim: Yeah. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: “...and I, Tonks, will be playing bass.”
Kim: What? Why did she say her name? [both laugh] Never mind, it’s… bass.
Sequoia: [through laughter] Because I think she’s very clearly a sixteen year old girl in this fanfic. [continues laughing]
Kim: She really is! Yeah, yeah. Tonks has been aged down. I… Tonks on bass? That sounds right, actually.
Sequoia: Oh yeah. No, that checks out.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: That totally checks out.
Kim: That’s fine.
Sequoia: “Who’s singing?”
Kim: Yup!
Sequoia: “Interesting side benefit of being a metamorphmagus, I can modify my vocal cords to sound like whoever or whatever I want. My normal voice is pretty good, and I’ll be throwing in all kinds of specials. We will have inimitable style.” “I’m back!” [both laugh] I’m sorry. [Kim continues to laugh and Sequoia talks through her laughter] Ginny’s just gonna sound like this the whole time. I can’t.
Kim: Just crazy? [both continue to laugh]
Sequoia: Well she’s like, it’s been five minutes. I’m bored. I have an idea. I’ll be back. I’m baaack!
Kim: I’m playing drums! [mimics a drum solo] She’s gonna be like... what’s that Muppet that plays the drums?
Both: [Kim questioningly and Sequoia confidently] Animal! [both laugh at length]
Sequoia: Yessss.
Kim: Yes. All right. Great.
Sequoia: “I’m baaack!” Ginny tore into the room carrying four quills, a piece of parchment, and two hats.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: She tore the parchment into eight smallish pieces and began distributing it with the quills.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: “Here’s the plan. We’re going to be named The Something Something.”
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: “On one piece of parchment, write down a mood and drop that piece in the hat on the left. On the second piece, write a random object. We’ll draw them out and that’s what the band name will be.”
Kim: That’s a fine way to name a band, I guess.
Sequoia: I mean, they’re doing the classic thing where they’re naming the band before they have done…
Kim: Do any music?
Sequoia: ...anything. Yeah, yeah. [laughs]
Kim: I mean, that’s the most fun part of having a band.
Sequoia: Right. I’ve had twelve bands.
Kim: Naming it. [both laugh] You have done what?
Sequoia: I do not have twelve bands. I’ve had one band.
Kim: Are any of them self-titled and it’s your name?
Sequoia: One. I’ve had one band and it’s that... that band. [through laughter] It’s just self-titled and it’s my name. [Kim laughs] That’s not true. I’ve had one band. It was just me but it was not self-titled. I had a name.
Kim: Was it…?
Sequoia: [pause] I was called The Calendar Event.
Kim: Oh! [pause] That’s a good band name. [laughs]
Sequoia: Is it? [laughs]
Kim: I don’t know. That’s just what you say after, like, any two words.
Sequoia: Yeah. The Something Something.
Kim: The Something Something. That’s a good band name. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Goddammit. I fell right into the trap. [Kim laughs]
Kim: Wait! So you just said your band name.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Can we find your music on the internet?
Sequoia: Ohhhhh, no. I don’t know. [Kim snorts] Maybe. I don’t know. Is is Myspace still there? [both laugh]
Kim: Listeners…
Sequoia: There’s a Myspace music page. See if you can find it.
Kim: The Wayback Machine is still a thing. Listeners, [through laughter] go listen to Sequoia’s music.
Sequoia: Oh God. Oh no. This can only end… well. [sighs] This is not where I saw this going. All right, great. [laughs]
Kim: Why? [Sequoia continues to laugh] Obviously.
Sequoia: “Excellent idea, Ginny,” Luna smiled, “I know just what I’ll write for mine.” [Kim laughs] For a minute the room was silent as the girls scribbled their words and dropped their suggestions into the hats.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: “You draw, Hermione,” Tonks’ voice cut into the silence. Hermione sighed... [both laugh] She’s such a fucking… just leave.
Kim: She’s just… just do…
Sequoia: If you’re not part of the revolution, leave.
Kim: Yeah! [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Hermione sighed, but reached into the first hat and drew out “ambivalent.” [Kim barely holds back a laugh]
Kim: Do you think Hermione wrote that?
Sequoia: She did.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: “Who wrote “ambivalent”? That’s sort of weird.” [Kim laughs] Ginny was obviously curious. [Kim continues laughing] “I did,” Hermione stated. “It’s exactly how I feel about this whole band project.”
Kim: No it’s not! She doesn’t feel ambivalent! She does not... ACTIVELY does not [Sequoia laughs] want to be there. She’s not like, meh.
Sequoia: Like yeah, whatever, I guess I’ll be in the band.
Kim: She’s like this is some stupid bullshit.
Sequoia: [deep voice] I would like to leave. [Kim laughs] I am ambivalent towards this thing.
Kim: Now let me leave. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: The other three girls shook their heads as Hermione reached into the hat and drew the second word. “Pearl.” “Who wrote “pearl?”” Ginny knew it wasn’t her suggestion.
Kim: What’s the point of that? Why…? [both laugh]
Sequoia: I don’t know. I don’t know. You said... she said anything.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: Luna raised her hand and quietly said, “I thought it would be pretty.” Tonks grinned, “The Ambivalent Pearl. I think it has a ring to it.” [both laugh] Oh, there is two chapters! They’re just in one thing!
Kim: Oh nice!
Sequoia: Oh, good, good, good. Oh yeah, good. [laughs]
Kim: Glad you read the first chapter title.
Sequoia: Yeah. “Well, ladies.” Ginny was starting to looking scarily determined.
Kim: Was she not already making that face?
Sequoia: I think that’s what she looks like all the time.
Kim: Yeah. [Sequoia laughs] Hundred percent.
Sequoia: Yeah. “We’ve got a lot to do and only a little over a month to do it.”
Kim: [suspicious] What? Why?
Sequoia: “We’re playing for Harry’s seventeenth birthday party and we need lyrics, music, attitude and glamour.”
Kim: That’s awesome! [both laugh]
Sequoia: [sighs] It is! [both keep laughing] I love it.
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: What? They’re gonna write… they’re gonna have like, one song.
Sequoia: [through laughter] Well, yeah. They’ve got a month and they’ve also gotta get the attitude lessons and the glamour.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: No need to focus on the music and lyrics here, folks.
Kim: Why? Just make some very loud noises and flash some bright lights…
Sequoia: [through laughter] And Hermione will play the cello. [Kim laughs] Loudly. “Glamour?” Now Hermione just sounded nervous. Classic Hermione.
Kim: Are they like gonna be…
Sequoia: Anti-glamour?
Kim: ...glam rock band?
Sequoia: Oh. We’ll get full outfit descriptions.
Kim: [excited] Ohh!!
Sequoia: Wait ‘til we get there.
Kim: We will?!
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: Yes! We haven’t had enough of those on the podcast because...
Sequoia: Right? Those are rampant.
Kim: Everywhere.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: [high pitched voice] And she was wearing glitter eyeshadow. [Sequoia laughs] Matched her shoes. [both laugh]
Sequoia: [whispers] Exactly. [normal voice] You’re rea… You’re not ready. “Yes. Glamour,” Ginny answered sternly. “It’s a necessity of girl rock.” [both laugh] If you’re gonna start the girl rock revolution, you gotta look on fleek. [Kim splutters with laughter] [while laughing] Was that right? Did I do that right?
Kim: No! [both briefly laugh]
Sequoia: Dammit.
Kim: I wanted them to be like, grunge punk.
Sequoia: Oh, you wanted them like... like... like female Nirvana?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Well…
Kim: I guess this was probably written a few years too late for that.
Sequoia: Probably.
Kim: You never... you never know.
Sequoia: Yeah, and also like, if you wanna start a girl rock revolution… [whispers] glamour.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: As Hermione was dragged towards the large bathroom the girls star... shar... what the fuck? ...the girls shared, she looked toward the heavens and mouthed, “Why me?”
Kim: Hope they shaved part of her head. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: It’s a good look.
Kim: It is.
Sequoia: I’ve heard. I’ve heard some people do it. [Kim quietly laughs] It’s a good look for them. [through laughter] Unfortunately for her, no one answered. She’s still... she’s still just, like, letting this happen to her.
Kim: You don’t... you don’t have to...
Sequoia: [laughs] Chapter two.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: One Great Rock Show Can Change the World. [laughs]
Kim: [whispering] Yes.
Sequoia: [lauhgs] So good.
Kim: [whispering] yesssss
Sequoia: I just… I can’t… ohhh, too good.
Kim: They’re gonna play one song. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: And then everyone’s gonna make out. Right? That’s how these stories end.
Kim: Yes. [Sequoia laughs] Oh, I’m so excited.
Sequoia: It was July 31st. 7:30pm, thirty minutes until zero hour, [Kim laughs quietly] as Tonks had started referring to it. [both laugh] Thirty minutes ‘til zero hour, ladies! [Kim laughs] That was not in the story, I just did that.
Kim: Yep! I figured. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Hermione was nervous, annoyed and uncomfortable. [both laugh]
Kim: When is she not that?
Sequoia: [through laughter] Yeah! What?
Kim: I guess when she’s feeling…
Sequoia: When she just got back from America? [Kim snorts]
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: When she got hot and came back from America. Yup.
Kim: Yeah. That’s when she’s not feeling… you’re right.
Sequoia: That’s the time. The other girls in the band had dressed her and were currently working on hair and make up.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: The fact that she’d been held in a blindfolding spell through the entire experience was not making her happy.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: In fact, she was starting to whine. [Kim laughs] “Why am I blindfolded, again?”
Kim: Yeah, if she’s blindfolded, then how are they gonna do some crazy eye make up? [both laughs]
Sequoia: It's a blindfolding spell so she’s probably just… blind.
Kim: Eyes closed?
Sequoia: [laughs] They just blinded her.
Kim: Okay. [laughs]
Sequoia: For a minute. Like a blinding spell.
Kim: Fine. Sure, sure.
Sequoia: A blindfolding spell.
Kim: Because she’s got some… something insane on the face.
Sequoia: Oh yeah. You gotta…
Kim: The whole face.
Sequoia: Especially GLAMOUR. [quietly laughs]
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: Girl rock revolution! [Kim laughs] “Why am I blindfolded, again?” “Because if we let you see, you’d try to change what you’re wearing and we’ve made you perfect,” [Kim snorts before laughing]
Kim: Yeah. Right.
Sequoia: Ginny answered the question. Yeah. Right.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Like okay, cool. I mean, checks out. Ginny answered the question with the patience of someone who knows they’re right. “But I did my part,” Hermione complained. “I wrote the lyrics…”
Kim: Ohhh.
Sequoia: “...so I think I should get to dress however I like.”
Kim: Oh nooo. [Sequoia quietly laughs] Hermione wrote the lyrics?
Sequoia: Hermione wrote the lyrics. [Kim makes a discomfited noise]
Kim: Eughuggh.
Sequoia: Mmmm! It’s about…
Kim: Concerned.
Sequoia: It’s called Hogwarts, A History. [both laugh]
Kim: Sure. [Sequoia laughs] Sure.
Sequoia: “Absolutely not.” Hermione could practically see Tonks shaking her head. “Your sense of style is good, [Kim snorts] but not quite to the girl rock level.”
Kim: I mean, whose is?
Sequoia: I mean, mine. Every day. [Kim makes doubtful noises] I walk out on the street and people are like, she’s gonna start a girl rock revolution. Part of her head is shaved. [both laugh]
Kim: Yeah, all right. Checks out.
Sequoia: [singing] Checks out! [normal] Hermione whined for twenty more minutes, until her band mates had finished fixing both her appearance and their own.
Kim: [whispering] It’s almost zero hour. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: [dramatic voice] Zero hour! [both laugh] She felt the spell being lifted and looked up to see herself in a large mirror. She screamed.
Kim: I’m so ready for this.
Sequoia: Her hair was lightly pulled back and freely cascading over her shoulders.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: Muggle conditioner, a highlighting potion, and even more spells had created glimmering chestnut curls to replace the usual dull, bushy mess.
Kim: Rude. [both laugh] I wanted it to be like, 80s [Sequoia laughs] HUGE and like, pink.
Sequoia: Yeah. Permed. [Kim laughs]
Kim: Whatever. Fine.
Sequoia: She used some Muggle conditioner though, so...
Kim: Oh. ‘Cause she… you know. She doesn’t...
Sequoia: Yeah. Her make up was subtle, but leaned towards smoky and glamorous, leaving her eyes looking dramatic and a little sad [Kim laughs softly] and her lips looking larger than usual and glossy.
Kim: This was not where I thought this was going!
Sequoia: Listen! Hold up!
Kim: Oh, are they all dressed different?
Sequoia: Yes! [laughs]
Kim: YES!! I guess you can’t have the cello player looking that… interesting.
Sequoia: Crazy, yeah.
Kim: No one’s supposed to be looking at them. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Just put the cello player in the back. She wrote the lyrics! [both laugh] She was wearing a spaghetti strap tank top in a gold colored velvet [Kim snickers] that left her toned midriff exposed. [Kim laughs] I told you to fucking wait! [both laugh]
Kim: Yesss! A velvet crop top.
Sequoia: A gold velvet spaghetti strap crop top.
Kim: Yesss!
Sequoia: Yes! [laughs]
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: They had paired it with black silk trousers, riding low on her lips… On her lips? On her hips. [both laugh] Sorry.
Kim: Gross. On her li… [laughs] That’s obscene, Sequoia.
Sequoia: That is obscene. But loose and flowing, and simple black flip flops. [both laugh]
Kim: Are they platform flip flops? They are. [Sequoia continues to laugh] A hundred percent.
Sequoia: They’ve gotta be. It doesn’t say...
Kim: Puhlatform.
Sequoia: ...but they are.
Kim: Yes. All right, all right.
Sequoia: You couldn’t just put regular flip flops with this crop top. [laughs]
Kim: This is actually… this is coming together. I’m seeing the band [Sequoia laughs] and they’re looking kind of like…
Sequoia: Like Josie and the Pussycats.
Kim: I’m feeling kind of… I don’t know, like, Buffy the Vampire Slayer kind of...
Sequoia: Yeahhhh.
Kim: ...stuff going on here. Yes.
Sequoia: Spaghetti strap crop tops.
Kim: Yes. I don’t think Hermione has a toned midriff, also. There’s zero chance of that. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: It’s all those books. She’s bench… pressing. What is…? [trying not to laugh] What’s the words for when you lift stuff? [Kim snorts and they both laugh]
Kim: That was really convincing. [Sequoia continues to laugh] Both the gesture and face.
Sequoia: Oh no. Whoo. She looked amazing. She turned around to see how her band mates looked. Ginny was the most normal looking of the three.
Kim: That’s… wha… what? [holding back laughter] She’s dressed like Animal from the Muppets. [Sequoia laughs] I don’t care what this is about to say.
Sequoia: [emphatically] Normal. That’s what she looks like every day.
Kim: Oh. Okay.
Sequoia: Her hair was restrained by a strip of dark green silk tied around her forehead… like a... like a bandana.
Kim: Sure. [through laughter] That’s nonsense, I love it. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: She was wearing…
Kim: Is she dressed like a hippie? What?
Sequoia: [laughing] They are… they’re all from weirdly different eras. Its good.
Kim: [laughs] This band.
Sequoia: She was wearing faded jeans that would’ve looked normal if she didn’t quite so much look like she’d been poured into them...
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: ...a brown tube top that perfectly matched her eyes. [both try not laugh] She had stayed bare foot, which seemed to reflect the aura of nature around her. [Kim laughs]
Kim: Oh my gosh. They… they’’re doing the girl group thing! This isn’t a girl rock band thing, this is a girl group thing...
Sequoia: No, this is like a… like...
Kim: ...where they’re, like, each a character.
Sequoia: Baby Spice! [both laugh] Yeah! Scary Spice! They’re doing that.
Kim: Yesss! This is so good! [laughs]
Sequoia: With her proud bearing, she looked almost like an Amazon.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Luna was obviously meant to be the counterpart to Hermione.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: She wore a very short silver dress, but with flowing glossamer sleeves.
Kim: [mumbling] How is that the counterpart to Hermione?
Sequoia: I don’t know. [both laugh] Her hair was pulled back in two flower shaped silver clips [Kim laughs] which perfectly matched her silver sandals. [Kim continues laughing]
Kim: [wheezing] Flower clips.
Sequoia: [chanting] Flower clips. Flower clips. Flower clips. [laughs]
Kim: I’m imagining those, like, butterfly clips.
Sequoia: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Sparkly butterfly clips.
Kim: You know those aren’t…
Sequoia: There were flower ones.
Kim: Oh, were there flower ones like that?
Sequoia: Oh yeah.
Kim: Oh, that’s good that she got...
Sequoia: That is what she has, a hundred percent. And if her silver sandals are matching them? They’re jellies. That’s what’s happening in my brain.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Yes, a hundred percent. [both laugh] Her bright…
Kim: That’s a weird… this is a weird character for Luna to be in the girl group, but...
Sequoia: You would think that she would be what Ginny is, right?
Kim: Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: But no, she’s playing the electric guitar, so she can’t be...
Kim: Right. She can’t be the… yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah. Can’t be the flower child.
Kim: Although Ginny’s gonna be mangling [Sequoia laughs] the drums, or whatever.
Sequoia: Yeah, exactly. She’s gonna be punc... puncturing the drums with her fists [Kim laughs] or something, I don’t know. [laughs] Her bright blue guitar added some much needed color to her image and brightened the shade of her eyes.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: Tonks had obviously chosen her appearance carefully.
Kim: Sure. ‘Cause she can do… her face...
Sequoia: Her whole appearance.
Kim: Yeah. [both laugh] She was two feet tall.
Sequoia: [laughs] She was two... stupid. She remained small bodied and boned, but like the other three...
Kim: [laughing] What did I just say?
Sequoia: [audibly not laughing] ...she had made herself slightly taller. [both laugh] So no. Skinny and tall.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: She wore black baggy jeans that looked they’d fall off her if she moved at all.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: She added black combat boots…
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: ...and a blood red tank top.
Kim: See, this is what I wanted all of them to look like. [both laugh] Is she wearing a leather vest?
Sequoia: Nnnno.
Kim: Why not?!
Sequoia: It’s fine, she can be. [both laugh] Her hair was black and spiky, frosted with a little bit of gold...
Kim: [whispering] Frosted.
Sequoia: ...silver, red and green.
Kim: YES!!! [both laugh] What?!
Sequoia: [laughing] I don’t know what that is. I can’t... I can’t even picture that. I don’t know what that looks like. I can’t. What’s happening?
Kim: How tall is her hair? Real tall? [Sequoia laughs] Super tall?
Sequoia: It’s gotta be.
Kim: Super spiky.
Sequoia: Super tall, spiky hair. Combat boots. Her skin was dramatically pale...
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: ...which made her black eyes look huge and terrifying. [Kim laughs]
Kim: That’s so… awesome.
Sequoia: [sighs] [Kim laughs] Now you have a good mental picture of the band.
Kim: [crying from laughter] Yes, this band is nonsense [Sequoia laughs] and I love it. [laughs]
Sequoia: Ginny looked at the group and nodded approvingly.
Kim: Yes, this is nonsense. [Sequoia laughs] Let’s do this.
Sequoia: “We’re all set, people. [Kim laughs] Now let’s get to our places before they raise the curtain.”
Kim: Who’s rai… never mind. Doesn’t matter. [both laugh]
Sequoia: It’s fine.
Kim: You could raise it with ma… never mind. [both laugh]
Sequoia: No magic. The living room… [Kim coughs and Sequoia pauses]
Kim: There was magic used in this story.
Sequoia: Oh yeah.
Kim: So, they could raise the curtain with magic.
Sequoia: They’re not going to ‘cause they have stage hands.
Kim: Pfffffffff.
Sequoia: That’s not a joke.
Kim: [high pitched] I’m so excited.
Sequoia: The living room at Grimmauld Place had been temporarily given a stage and a magical sound and light system, [Kim laughing in background] which the twins were eagerly running, [both laugh] having sworn a vow of non-prankage to each of the four girls.
Kim: Fine. [quietly laughs]
Sequoia: Hermione grew more and more nervous…
Kim: Gosh, the light design by Fred and George [Sequoia laughs] is gonna be some hot nonsense. [both laugh] They’re gonna get on stage, sing Happy Birthday...
Sequoia: [laughs] Hermione wrote the lyrics.
Kim: While like… orange strobe lights go. [both continue laughing] Then confetti cannons.
Sequoia: Good. Yeah. [laughs] Also, since when can the twins keep a vow of non-prankage?
Kim: [whispering] Never.
Sequoia: Hermione grew more and more nervous as she heard the party guests enter.
Kim: Is this gonna be like five people there?
Sequoia: Special portkeys had been set up so that all of Harry’s school friends, Order friends…
Kim: Harry doesn’t have any friends at school!
Sequoia: This is… Dean’s his friend!
Kim: No, he’s not.
Sequoia: Seamus is his friend.
Kim: Nope.
Sequoia: Neville’s his friend.
Kim: Okay. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: The Portkey had been set up so that Neville could get to the party. [both laugh]
Kim: What friends does Harry have other than the people that are already there? None!
Sequoia: Terry Boot.
Kim: Nope.
Sequoia: [while laughing] Anthony Goldstein.
Kim: Nope.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh man. [Kim softly laughs] There were about fifty people there, all told…
Kim: No, there weren’t!
Sequoia: ...and the sound of them getting to their seats was causing steady panic to rise in Hermione’s heart.
Kim: Why are they letting all these people into Grimmauld Place?!
Sequoia: Because the... it’s Harry’s birthday.
Kim: Umm, secret?
Sequoia: Also, it’s Harry’s seventeenth birthday?
Kim: Oh yeah, it is.
Sequoia: All right, cool. [Kim laughs]
Kim: Fine. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Luna noticed her from across the stage, “It’ll be all right. Just forget about them and play.” [both laugh]
Kim: She gets out her trumpet… [both make trumpeting noises]
Sequoia: I love you. [laughs] “I can’t,” Hermione whispered back. “You have to,” [Kim laughs] [through laughter] Ginny replied from the drums. [both laugh]
Kim: Fucking Ginny. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: She’s really being a tyrant throughout this entire process.
Kim: She really is.
Sequoia: She feels so strongly about the girl rock revolution. [both laugh] Guys...
Kim: Hermione’s just holding them back.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Although she did write all of their songs.
Sequoia: She wrote the lyrics! [both laugh] Oh no.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: “Now be quiet, [Kim laughs softly] we’re about to start.” As the curtains parted, Hermione played one drawn out and haunting minor note on her cello.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: As the note faded, her band mates crashed into the entrance for their first song. [Kim laughs] She had to play so fast, so differently from the classical music she’d been taught that it required all of her concentration [Kim laughs louder] and she had no more time to be nervous.
Kim: [laughing] This band is terrible.
Sequoia: [laughing] I bet they’re so good. [both continue laughing] I wish I was in this band.
Kim: What would you play?
Sequoia: I would play… well, no one’s playing the stick hitting the ground [both laugh] as of right now.
Kim: I guess that’s true. Checks out.
Sequoia: I would... I was the fourteenth chair clarinet.
Kim: Ohh!
Sequoia: Like fifteen years ago.
Kim: Ohh!
Sequoia: I could… hit the ground with the clarinet. [both laugh]
Kim: Ah, good. Yes.
Sequoia: Suddenly, with the lights flashing and the music blaring, with Tonks’s voice going from whisper to growl to honeyed sandpaper, with Ginny’s fierce beating threatening to break the drums [Kim laughs] and Luna’s odd intensity pouring her soul into a guitar, Hermione got the point.
Kim: Ohh!! She’s on board?!
Sequoia: She was a rock goddess, [Kim laughs] on top of the world, [Kim continues laughing] only needing her band and the music. [both laugh] No one else could do this, just her, just them. They were perfect, amazing, incredible, gorgeous. She threw herself into the music with total abandon and let it carry her. She was glad she’d fallen for this wild scheme.
Kim: Aww, how nice.
Sequoia: The end.
Kim: The en... I just…! [both laugh] That was a nice… story. [both keep laughing] [Sequoia sighs] And then they rocked so hard that Voldemort died. That’s how...
Sequoia: Exactly. Mostly that.
Kim: That’s how it changes the world.
Sequoia: Exactly. Mostly that.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Or they rocked so hard they accidentally killed Harry and that changed the world too.
Kim: I mean, Harry had to die anyway.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: To kill Voldemort, so… [laughs] that’s...
Sequoia: I got that for YOU!
Kim: That is the most complete band story that I’ve seen or heard.
Sequoia: Yes! I was so stoked when I found it.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Because often times…
Kim: You don’t…
Sequoia: ...they’re incomprehensible.
Kim: You get the beginning, like, these people are in a band! And then that’s it.
Sequoia: And then that’s it, yeah.
Kim: That one had an end!
Sequoia: It was like a complete band story.
Kim: It was good!
Sequoia: It had descriptions of outfits…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: ...which were just, like…
Kim: Always want that.
Sequoia: I remember... I remember writing descriptions of outfits.
Kim: Who didn’t?
Sequoia: Yeah, like that was like a thing.
Kim: How have we read so many stories without, like, dense descriptions of what they look like?
Sequoia: We haven’t.
Kim: We haven’t done any.
Sequoia: I have no…
Kim: We’ve not read one story about Hermione wearing a crop top.
Sequoia: No! And there’s SO many! [laughs]
Kim: Yeah! Bizarre.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: I re... A lot of the, like, if you go to the like reviews and comments, people will be like, I want more description of what the characters are wearing and what they look like.
Sequoia: Oh yeah.
Kim: People… for some reason, we all liked that when we were about thirteen.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Fifteen. Thirteen.
Sequoia: Thirteen.
Kim: Thirteen is when [laughing] we liked that.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah.
Kim: Especially... I’m a little surprised these didn’t have the brands, ‘cause a lot of the times the descriptions of clothing would have specific brands…
Sequoia: Oh yeahhh.
Kim: And you’re like, is this item actually just in your closet? [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Or did you see this item at the store and you wish it was in your closet?
Kim: That’s… that’s the one. [both laugh]
Sequoia: And now it’s in your story. Absolutely.
Kim: Gotta find more of those. We still haven’t done a Hermione comes back from America hot story.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: We gotta find one.
Sequoia: I know. Yeah, so [Kim laughs] I actually had had a challenge to issue…
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: ...with this story.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: I just wanted to put out there that if anyone wants to write Hermione’s song, [Kim laughs] this is your fanfiction challenge. This… this awkward, uncomfortable Hermione… Write some song lyrics for her. Send them in.
Kim: Yeah, that sounds good.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: You should write a song.
Sequoia: Uh, sure. [Kim laughs] Sure. [quietly] Don’t look up my band. [both laugh]
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That was really… that was a fun story. Thank you for sharing that.
Sequoia: You’re welcome. I felt like it encompassed a lot of tropes that we just, like, haven’t gotten around to lately, so...
Kim: Yeah, for sure!
Sequoia: So there we go!
Kim: I got a point.
Sequoia: You did.
Kim: I did it.
Sequoia: You did got a... get a... you g… got a point. [laughs]
Kim: I’ve pulled ahead again.
Sequoia: Wow.
Both: [like a breath of relief] Hoo.
Kim: Fine. Half a point.
Sequoia: I knew what was gonna happen and I knew it was coming. [both laugh] By half a point. Congratulations. That was... were some good predictions.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: They were.
Kim: I’m mad that I made… [laughs]
Sequoia: That you made a prediction that was real that wasn’t a real prediction?
Kim: Ugh!
Sequoia: [clicks her tongue] Yep. That was awesome.
Kim: It was a good band name.
Sequoia: Ambivalent Pearl. [Kim laughs]
Kim: I wanted Ron to be, like, trying to convince a magical object to give him something. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: And it was ambivalent about it?
Kim: Yeah. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Ah, that’d be good too. [Kim laughs] Now I wanna read that!
Kim: Okay. Fucking intro to this segment drives me…
Sequoia: We… we… we’ll fix it some day. That day’s not today. Welcome to our segment, [singing] summariiiies!
Kim: Summaries.
Sequoia: You made me do it by myself.
Kim: Yeah, I did. I can’t... I can’t…
Sequoia: That was really mean.
Kim: I can’t do it.
Sequoia: [laughs] That was really mean. I don’t...
Kim: I can’t do it. [Sequoia sighs] It’s so unbearable.
Sequoia: Fine. What do you got for me?
Kim: [laughs] So today on summaries... A lot of times we read stories and it’s just the first chapter of a beautiful brilliant idea, [Sequoia laughs] and that makes it… it doesn’t go anywhere, ‘cause it’s just like setting up the idea.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: So it’s not good for the podcast. But I read this story… [laughs]
Sequoia: Oh my gosh. I’m ready.
Kim: ...where Harry wakes up one morning and he’s changed, physically.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: And he’s, like, freaking out, like, what’s wrong with me? And he gets a letter and he reads it and it’s like, Harry, you are not actually a human. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Good. What is he?
Kim: You are part of a race that is a hybrid of…
Sequoia: Ooh.
Kim: ...elf…
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: ...Veela…
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: ...and werepanther. [laughs]
Sequoia: What?!! What?!
Kim: Also…
Sequoia: [whispering] Werepanther?!
Kim: I’m your father. [Sequoia laughs] Love, Severus Snape. [both laugh hard] And I was like, what the fuck’s a werepanther? [Sequoia laughs] And I clicked, and there was a second chapter to the story too, so I got really excited.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: And the second chapter was nothing! Harry goes downstairs and the Dursleys yell at him a little bit. Like. why do you look like a freak today? [laughs]
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh my God. Oh no.
Kim: Yeah, turns out that Lily and James weren’t actually [laughs] Harry’s parents.
Sequoia: Oh my God. Werepanther.
Kim: Werepanther.
Sequoia: That’s amazing.
Kim: Yup. [pause] [both laugh]
Sequoia: Thank you for that. Thanks for bringing that into my life.
Kim: You’re welcome.
Sequoia: All right! So I have a recommendation to go along with my story today.
Kim: Good.
Sequoia: My recommendation today is called A Trip to Remember. It is Dramioneish. [Kim makes a small disgusted noise]
Kim: Seriously?
Sequoia: Yep!
Kim: You’re doing another Dramione? [laughs]
Sequoia: Doing it again. Sorry not sorry.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: And they go… they’re on a Muggle Studies trip to London and they’re at a museum. It’s fine. None of it really makes any sense.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: But I liked it!
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And so it’s my rec today. There you go.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: The link to that will be in the description. You can also find links to all of our recommendations on our websiiite.
Kim: Yep!
Sequoia: FanaticalFics.com
Kim: The website also has all of our episodes.
Sequoia: Our story submission form.
Kim: Yep. So we got… we keep getting ‘em in and we keep...
Sequoia: Yep. We keep getting ‘em in. So thank you for sending them.
Kim: Keep reading them, so…
Sequoia: Keep sending them.
Kim: We love them.
Sequoia: [singing] We love them.
Kim: Also our merch is on there.
Sequoia: Yeah! You can get some stickerrrsss!
Kim: The Cyber Monday deal is over.
Sequoia: It is. [laughs]
Kim: I guess. [laughs]
Sequoia: No more hot deals, but… [laughs]
Kim: Stickers are still there.
Sequoia: You can get stickers on our website. If you would like to, you know, chat with us, yell at us, whatever…
Kim: We got some nice feedback about the revamped summaries section.
Sequoia: We did!
Kim: People are liking it, which is really nice to hear.
Sequoia: It is really nice to hear.
Kim: I’m glad that it is less unbearable.
Sequoia: I like it a lot too.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So I’m glad that people agree!
Kim: For sure.
Sequoia: If you wanna give us any feedback or talk to us or whatever, we have social medias… Twitter, Facebook, Instagram. @FanaticalFics.
Kim: Yep. We also have an email if you wanna send us some song lyrics…
Sequoia: Yes! [singing] Do that thing!
Kim: fanaticalfics@gmail.com
Sequoia: Excellent. If you wanna support the podcast, we would love that. There’s a few different ways that you can do that. You can leave us a review on iTunes or Facebook. They are very helpful and we love them.
Kim: Yeah! Or leave it somewhere else but tell us if you’re leaving it somewhere else. [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, we wanna know! We wanna shout you out at the top of the episode!
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: So if you leave us a review, we’ll shout you out. We really appreciate them.
Kim: For sure.
Sequoia: You can also support us on our Patreon page, which you can get to through our website as well.
Kim: Yep. There’s bonus written content, bonus audio content up there. We’re gonna be recording a bonus episode right now…
Sequoia: Some Fantastic Beasts stuff…
Kim: 2 Fantastic...
Both: …2 Beasts. [laugh]
Kim: So check that out if you’re interested.
Sequoia: Thank you to the Whomping Willows for our awesome theme song, Wolfstar.
Kim: BYE.
Sequoia: BYE. [both laugh]