Episode 31: Harry and Mione's Horcrux Hunt (Part 2)
Whew. Here we go. Second week in a row! We hope you’re ready for the continuation of this nonsense. Don’t forget, we left Harry and Mione in the Disney princess forest deciding if they should trust Bellatrix (who just emerged from a bush). So it can only get crazier from here.
Reach the final installment of this story to get the prize at the end, our recommendation!
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Emma-Marie
Checker: Skylar
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Kim: Previously, on Fanatical Fics...
Sequoia: We are...
Both: ...reading you a story.
Sequoia: One story. Here we go. It is...
Kim: ...part two!
Sequoia: Harry and Mione's Horcrux Hunt. This is part two. So far, we've been through some shit!
Kim: Yep. Harry narrowly avoided death at Bill and Fleur's wedding because he had to shit for ten hours. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Exactly. All of the Weasleys are dead, but... [Kim laughs]
Kim: It doesn't matter.
Sequoia: ...it's okay...
Both: ...because...
Sequoia: ...we hate them.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Turns out Ron sucks, Ginny has been giving love potion to...
Both: ...everyone?
Sequoia: Yeah, seems… just about everyone.
Kim: Everyone's been dosed.
Sequoia: Hermione's eyes are made of chocolate. [both laugh]
Kim: Yeah, that’s true. We've been reminded that Harry is still good, despite the hate.
Sequoia: Yes, he says things with goodness, therefore, he is good. And to cap it all off, to get us to where we are now, Bellatrix has just ambled out of the Disney Princess forest...
Kim: That we've been strolling through.
Sequoia: ...that we've been strolling through, talking about how it's okay that everyone's dead. And she would like a truce, and Harry's like, I have no independent thought, therefore, Hermione, will you make this decision? So... I mean Mione. I mean, Mione, will you make this decision?
Kim: Yeah, definitely Mione.
Sequoia: Definitely Mione. So here we are in the forest.
Kim: Yep.
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim!
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It's our podcast where I'm reading the same fanfic story for the second week in a row.
Sequoia: This is fine. [both laughing] It's not as though this format is, like, abnormal.
Kim: Nooo.
Sequoia: It's just that it's abnormal for us.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And therefore...
Kim: Here we are.
Sequoia: ...here we are. All right. So I'm going to do two predictions. So I got three predictions for part one.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Do two predictions for part two.
Kim: Sure. We have no idea what we're doing.
Sequoia: And then we're gonna do one prediction for part three.
Kim: Sure. Let's say that.
Sequoia: It's what we're doing. That's what we're doing. We decided it right now.
Kim: Just now.
Sequoia: Great. We are good at podcasting.
Kim: [talking over Sequoia] Make sure you tweet however many predictions you're about to make at us.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Both: Whatever. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Or send them to us through any of the other formats that you have chosen to send them to us.
Sequoia: #FanficDivination. Let us know what you think is gonna happen in these next two chapters of the… uhhh what? [laughs, Kim snorts]
Kim: I love this story. Have I mentioned?
Sequoia: So good! You have, and I agreed. I predict that in these next two chapters, they will encounter Voldemort.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: And in these next two chapters, Harry and Hermione will share a Disneyesque kiss under the stars. [Kim snortingly laughs]
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: There we go!
Kim: Great!
Sequoia: [with emphasis] We're doing it.
Kim: I mean, the last episode... he was still thinking that the feelings he was having were probably platonic. You think he's gonna get to…?
Sequoia: I think he's... I also think he actually thinks that Hermione's eyes are made out of chocolate. Like, at this point, I'm like... what? [laughs, Kim laughingly sighs] So I'm ready.
Kim: Great. Let's do this! Chapter three.
Sequoia: [whispers] Yes! It's chapter three.
Kim: [sighs] Oh no. [Sequoia starts laughing loudly]. Oh no. [Sequoia’s laughing continues] Bella's long, beautiful black hair...
Sequoia: No! [laughs] Okay, great.
Kim: ...was tangled, and her face was streaked with tears. Though Harry hated her, he couldn't help momentarily feeling sorry for her. The desolation in her face reminded him of how he'd felt when he'd found out he'd been under a love potion.
Sequoia: Mere minutes ago! [laughs]
Kim: Two seconds ago.
Sequoia: Oh, no. [Kim sighs deeply] Oh, no, I... we feel bad for Bellatrix, but, like, we don't feel bad that Ron is dead?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Great! [laughs]
Kim: [high, girly voice, which Kim uses for Hermione throughout] "Oh, Harry, look!" Hermione said tearfully. "Can't you see she's been betrayed by her true love?"
Sequoia: Oh, Jesus Christ! [Kim cackles] No!
Kim: Yes! Yes!
Sequoia: Okay, great. What did he do?
Kim: [high, drawn, dramatic voice, used for Bellatrix throughout] "It's true." Bella cried. [Sequoia laughs] "I've left the Death Eaters. I want to help you find Voldemort now." I don't know what that voice is, but it's happening.
Sequoia: I don't know... let’s just keep it!
Kim: It's happening.
Sequoia: I say keep it. Yep! [laughs] Okay, Bellatrix, why?
Kim: "How do we know we can trust you?" Harry shouted, his [pause] leaf-colored eyes...
Sequoia: [whispers] What?
Kim: ...shining majestically.
Sequoia: [whispers] What? What? What?
Kim: I love it. I love iiiit.
Sequoia: I… [pause]
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Leaves can be many colors.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: That's all.
Kim: Okay. [Sequoia laughs] Fine.
Sequoia: That's it. That's all that I can say.
Kim: Then he looked into her shining onyx eyes and realized that her heart was broken. Still, he thought it would be foolish to let his guard down completely.
Sequoia: [energetic] She literally... she's a murderer!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Much many murders!
Kim: But she asked for a truce and her heart is broken.
Sequoia: And she's crying.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: But she's... but Harry, look at her! She's crying!
Kim: Yeah.
[pause]
Sequoia: No. [Kim laughs] I... okay, I want to know more. I'm intrigued.
Kim: Okay. "Hand me your wand and then we will talk," he said.
Sequoia: That's like the most sensible thing Harry has ever done.
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: That's actually pretty good.
Sequoia: Like, okay! Yes!
Kim: Good job, Harry.
Sequoia: And Hermione is like, but look into her onyx eyes!
Kim: Now that's… Hermione, come on!
Sequoia: Get it together, dude. [Kim giggles]
Kim: Bellatrix handed it over and then burst into tears. Hermione… nope, sorry. Mione [Sequoia starts laughing] patted her consolingly on the back. My bad.
Sequoia: Your brain tried to autocorrect it.
Kim: It did! Oh my gosh, in the next, like, a couple sentences from here, my autocorrect is underlining her quotation marks space Mione and it wants me to correct it to Hermione.
Sequoia: That's great.
Kim: So…
Sequoia: That's great.
Kim: ...that's a thing that's happening in this story. [Sequoia laughs] My document editor is like, uhh, don't you mean…?
Sequoia: Don't you… you don't mean Mione.
Kim: You don't mean that. You don't mean her space Mione.
Sequoia: Love it. Love it.
Kim: Oh… Mione.
Sequoia: Okay, so Bellatrix is crying…
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Hermione… Mione is patting her on the back. "He has left me!" she cried...
Sequoia: Oh, Jesus!
Kim: ...staring into the blue abyss of the heavens. "Tom's left me!" [Sequoia laughs] Did you like the blue abyss...
Sequoia: [laughing] The blue abyss of the heavens. Yeah.
Kim: Great!
Sequoia: I mean, yes!
Kim: Amazing. "Oh, Harry, we have to help her!" Mione said...
Sequoia: [whispers] Wooow.
Kim: ...her coffee eyes stark with emotion.
Sequoia: [interrupting] "We have to help her…" Coffee?
Kim: Yeah, they're coffee now.
Sequoia: Hermione's are?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: No!
Kim: No!
Sequoia: They're chocolate!
Kim: They're coffee now!
Sequoia: No! [both laugh] I like how Hermione is just like, a hundred percent like, in for Bellatrix right now.
Kim: Yeah. What is happening?
Sequoia: She has no...
Kim: Reservations.
Sequoia: No reservations.
Kim: She's ready.
Sequoia: She can see into Bellatrix's soul.
Kim: That does not sound like Hermione. Anyway. "But she killed Sirius!" Harry snapped.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Good point.
Kim: True.
Sequoia: Great point, Harry. Take her wand!
Kim: "Sirius?" Bella asked blankly, blinking in confusion.
Sequoia: Oh no! [Kim laughs] Oh, no, no.
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: No!
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: This is a retcon of the entire series? [laughs]
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: "And how do we truly know she's on our side?" Harry mused...
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: ...the ebon spikes of his hair reflecting the sunlight.
Sequoia: I mean, now I just see him with like, gelled up, spiked up hair, like 90s... like NSYNC style.
Kim: He totally has that. Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah. Okay, good.
Kim: Yeah. Harry's hair is spiked up, his eyes are leaves.
Sequoia: His eyes are leaves. [laughs]
Kim: Hermione's eyes are... let's just say they're a mocha? [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: We're good to go.
Sequoia: [mumbling while laughing] So dumb.
Kim: "Harry! Can't you see she's upset?" Hermione snapped, her chocolate gaze full of reproach.
Sequoia: [excited] Oh, wait! No, no! It's chocolate again! [Kim laughs]
Kim: They're mocha.
Sequoia: Jesus.
Kim: Harry felt confused.
Sequoia: [pause] Valid.
Kim: "Look!" Bella said. She's Bella now, fine.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: I'm gonna continue.
Sequoia: But then... they're they’re becoming friends.
Kim: "I have a Horcrux!"
Sequoia: Oh Gooood. [Kim laughs] Oh man, it wasn't a bird that came and handed them a Horcrux. It's just…
Kim: [in the background] No, no, no. Close though, that was a good prediction.
Sequoia: It's just Bella, yeah!
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: "Holy cow!" Harry said...
Sequoia: [high shrill voice] Holy cow! Golly gee whiz!
Kim: ...looking at the shining object she held up. It was a genuine Horcrux, one of the seven mystical artifacts Voldemort had imbued with part of his soul. The diary, locket, cup, and magical staff had already been destroyed.
Sequoia: Yep. Great.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Magical staff.
Kim: Fine. But this was one of the three that remained. "I took it off the inferi and brought it to you as a peace offering!" Bella exclaimed.
Sequoia: What is it?
Kim: The Horcrux?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Hold for the text! [Sequoia makes an impatient sound] "Now I know you're telling the truth."
Sequoia: Oh my God!
Kim: Harry exclaimed excitedly...
Sequoia: Hermione is like, Ron's trash! And Harry is like, yeah, Ron's trash. Bellatrix is like, here's a Horcrux, and he's like, I believe everything you've ever said! [Kim snorts and sighs]
Kim: ...his emerald eyes blazing out their courage.
Sequoia: Yesssss.
Kim: He turned to Mione, who met his leaf eyes with her own eyes of wood...
Sequoia: [almost screaming] Wood? God damn it!
Kim: ...a perfect alchemical mixture of woodland love.
Sequoia: Oh my God. Oh my Gooood.
Kim: [very quietly] Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Sequoia: Woodland looooove.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah.
Kim: I love it so much. The over the top descriptions make it so much better.
Sequoia: It… they really do.
Kim: It's just like... it really... this really captures what I imagine when I think of when I think of fanfiction from this time period.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Which is partially why I think it's satire.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: ‘Cause it hits every mark.
Sequoia: Yeah, for sure. That's true. That's very true. [whispering] Woodland...
Kim: Beautiful.
Sequoia: [still whispering] Excellent.
Kim: Harry gasped at the thought. How could he have thought of love in connection with Mione? He turned back to Bella. He's not gonna think about that.
Sequoia: Okay, yeah.
Kim: Platonic!
Sequoia: Right. That's right. Only platonic things. Um, great. I… I'm curious as to how many hours have passed in the entirety of the story, thus far.
Kim: Like ten minutes.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Minus the ten hours that Harry was pooping. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Okay, that's… that checks out.
Kim: That's what I'm guessing.
Sequoia: That seems good. Okay, so Bella has a Horcrux, and Harry and Hermione...
Kim: ...are having woodland love.
Sequoia: Okay, great.
Kim: That sounds fucking weird.
Sequoia: [while laughing] Some woodland love. Okay.
Kim: Okay, fine. "But why did you leave the Death Eaters to begin with?" he said, not completely satisfied in spite of himself.
Sequoia: He just said he believed her.
Kim: He changed his mind.
Sequoia: Okay, great.
Kim: He just wants to check.
Sequoia: Right. No, this is a good check. Like, I believe in the check.
Kim: Reasonable!
Sequoia: Yeah, I believe in the check.
Kim: "The Dark Lord," sniffed Bella, "First, he kept telling me to do awful things, like killing people and torturing them."
Sequoia: You like that shit.
Kim: "But you've done that before," Harry said in confusion.
Sequoia: [whispers] What's happening?
Kim: I mean, Harry is rightfully confused here.
Sequoia: Harry is definitely… yeah
Kim: Harry is doing really well today.
Sequoia: Yeah
Kim: Which is weird.
Sequoia: He's doing really well. This ten minutes.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: The last ten minutes were...
Kim: He is… things are coming into focus.
Sequoia: Yeah. It's that love potion wearing off.
Kim: "Huh?" Bellatrix asked. "Anyway, he recently left me for that nasty little new tramp and I broke down. I realized I hated everything he stood for, I loved Muggleborns, and I wanted nothing to do with their evil, life hating ideology anymore." Bellatrix burst into tears. Hermione and Bellatrix had a hug.
Sequoia: What? What?
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Don't touch her.
Kim: She's... she loves Muggleborns, now.
Sequoia: All right. Okay, cool, fine.
Kim: Everything is great.
Sequoia: What was happening to her?
Kim: Also Voldemort has a new tramp!
Sequoia: I… yeah! [laughs]
Kim: Significant glance!
Sequoia: Great. Great. I'm very excited about that. Is it Draco Malfoy? Never mind.
Kim: I wish. Where's Draco? Fuck! That's what this story is missing.
Sequoia: It's Draco.
Kim: Ah, damn it. Anyway. At that moment, Harry felt a lot more sympathy for Bellatrix than he did for Ginny.
Sequoia: Whaaaaaaat is happening? Noooo. [Kim laughs in the background] Harry, you were doing so good for a second. You were doing...
Kim: Was he?
Sequoia: ...better for a second. One shining moment. And then... [Kim sighs]
Kim: ...felt a lot more sympathy for Bellatrix, even though he was still not sure he trusted the former lady Death Eater. "Let's destroy the Horcrux!" he said, to put off the decision. Bellatrix handed him the Horcrux, which took the form of a statuette of a young girl, done in gold. Harry knew it was real because it had the magical stamp of the mystical power of Slytherin on it...
Sequoia: Yes!
Kim: ...which was the exact shape of his scar.
[Sequoia screams breathily for several seconds]
Kim: That's great. That's...
Sequoia: I love that.
Kim: ...is great.
Sequoia: I love that.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I love that.
Kim: Do you think they knew? Do you think they were predicting that, since Harry's scar's the same shape as whatever's happening here? Do they think they were saying that they knew that Harry was a Horcrux?
Sequoia: Yeah, that wasn't an unheard of theory.
Kim: That's fucking awesome. Fucking awesome. I love it.
Sequoia: Awesome.
Kim: Just thrown in there.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: On the side. Love it. Anyway.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: Harry placed it on the ground. The young girl looked a lot like Ginny.
Sequoia: Weird. Oh, oh, oh! Oh, no. Oh my God. Really?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Really?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Oh my God.
Kim: We'll get there.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: [whispers] Hold for the text.
Sequoia: Okay, great.
Kim: He raised his wand and shouted, "Reducto!" destroying the evil mystical artifact forever.
Sequoia: Too easy. Too easy.
Kim: It's just that ea... [both talk over each other] It's just that easy. No, it's just that easy.
Sequoia: That's just… nope. That's not… no.
Kim: That's how it happens. It's that easy, Sequoia. [Sequoia laughs] Let it happen.
Sequoia: Okay. Okay, fine. All right. Great. So now that it took five seconds to destroy the Horcrux...
Kim: Two left.
Sequoia: Right, but like… he was like, let me put off this decision…
Kim: Oh, right!
Sequoia: ...turns around, destroys the Horcrux...
Kim: Aaaannd back.
Sequoia: Five seconds later. Now that... now we've gotten that out of the way...
Kim: I've got some more questions. [mumbling] He doesn’t have more questions. Never mind.
Sequoia: I hope he has more questions. He doesn't. God damn it.
Kim: Here we go, ready?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Shut up. It doesn't matter. Part of Voldemort's soul was utterly destroyed, and far away, part of Tom Riddle, the evil Dark Lord, died. The sky went gray and swirled with clouds.
Sequoia: Yesss.
Kim: Flowers wilted...
Sequoia: Yessss!
Kim: ...and the chipmunks, squirrels…
Sequoia: Yessss!
Kim: ...and birds rushed for shelter.
Sequoia: Yessssss. [laughs]
Kim: Fucking great.
Sequoia: Yessss.
Kim: Flashes of lightning struck on the horizon. A cold wind shot through the air with icy precision... [both laugh quietly]
Sequoia: Holy shit!
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: This is great!
Kim: Yeah! Hermione was afraid, and her chocolate eyes were wide with fear.
Sequoia: [squealing] They're chocolate again!
Kim: She clutched Harry's arm for support, and the two of them clung together. Harry felt safer with Mione close by him. And once again, he had that non-platonic feeling.
Sequoia: Oh my God, Harry. You are trash.
Kim: This time, he didn't quite ignore it. [mumbles] But he did mostly. Just like, not quite.
Sequoia: Yes. There was a little bit of… a little bit of... [both mumble suggestively, then Sequoia laughs]
Kim: He knew something special was starting to develop...
Sequoia: Oh Jesus.
Kim: ...between him and his Mione.
Sequoia: Nooooo.
Kim: It...
Sequoia: Noooooo.
Kim: ...happened. You gotta let it happen.
Sequoia: Noooo. You can't...
Kim: You gotta let it happen.
Sequoia: ...say his Mione.
Kim: I said it!
Sequoia: [laughing] His Mione.
Kim: That's too good. Do you think they did that on purpose? I don't know.
Sequoia: I hope so.
Kim: I love it. Then the storm was over, and there was only a thin gray dust where the Horcrux had been. The wind blew it away, and the sun once more popped its cheerful face from behind a cloud.
Sequoia: [high pitched] No.
Kim: Yes! Harry felt a tangible sense of relief and turned around. Mione's fluffy cinnamon curls hit him in the face as she engulfed him in a massive hug.
Sequoia: Oooo…kay.
Kim: There's more.
Sequoia: What you're gonna do...
Kim: There's more.
Sequoia: ...with Bellatrix?
Kim: There's more.
Sequoia: Is this…?
Kim: No, there's more. No. Her chocolate eyes met his leaf ones and for a few moments, they shared a beautiful communication that needed no words. Then they turned back to Bellatrix.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: “Okay, we believe you now!" Harry said.
Sequoia: Oh my God, Harry! That's not... that is n… okay.
Kim: She brought them a real Horcrux.
Sequoia: She did bring them a real Horcrux.
Kim: And she let them destroy it, sooo everything's fine now.
Sequoia: Okay. But they really need to delve deeper into this, like, I don't seem to remember anything...
Kim: No.
Sequoia: ...about who I am at all.
Kim: That's not important.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Not important.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: That's not important.
Sequoia: Okay. All right. Okay, not important. Cool. Cool. Good to know. Good to know.
Kim: "We believe you now," Harry said. "Take your wand back, and we'll destroy the next two Horcruxes together."
Sequoia: Great. Hey, Ron, you've been replaced by…
Kim: With...
Both: ...Bellatrix.
Kim: [crying laughing] Oh my God, that's terrible.
Sequoia: Whaaaat? Ohhhh.
Kim: Same diff.
Sequoia: Same diff, yeah.
Kim: Same diff.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Kim: "Thank you for trusting me," Bella said, and Harry began to doubt she'd been the one who tortured the Longbottoms. Perhaps there had been a mistake.
Sequoia: No. No, no, no.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: No mistake.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: No mistakes here. No mistakes to be found.
Kim: [whispers] Yes.
Sequoia: Looking for them.
Kim: [whispers] Yes.
Sequoia: Can't find them. No mistakes.
Kim: [whispers] Maybe there was a mistake. [Sequoia laughs] What if...
Sequoia: Great. I'm excited to find out what the mistake is.
Kim: Suddenly, Mione gasped. "Bella," she said, "Do you know who killed the Weasleys? Did you hear about that before you left the Death Eaters?" "Yes," said Bella with a sniff, "I know who it was who did that awful crime." And this is where I was gonna leave us off. But we went way over last time.
Sequoia: Yeah. Okay. I mean...
Kim: 'Cause that's the end of chapter three.
Sequoia: That's the end of chapter three?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: She knows who did the crime.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Ooh. Oh, I bet it's Ginny. I bet Ginny did it. I bet she killed her whole family. [Kim chuckles] I'm ready. I'm ready for it to get... crazier. Than it is.
Kim: I told you. We're not even there.
Sequoia: We're never...
Kim: It's gonna get so much better. I can't wait for us to get there. The ending of the story is... we'll get there.
Sequoia: [laughing] Great!
Kim: Chapter four. A few hours later, Bellatrix led Harry and Hermione to the edge of the Death Eater encampment where Voldemort and his evil villains were plotting their reign of terror. They crouched in the bushes and watched carefully as the Death Eaters walked through the tents, plotting evil things. [Sequoia laughs] What?
Sequoia: I don't know.
Kim: I like that the Death Eaters are camping.
Sequoia: I like... I like that they're camping, and I like to envision that they're like...
Kim: Why are they c…?
Sequoia: Sitting around the campfire making s'mores, [Kim makes agreeing sounds] and being like, [valley girl voice] Who do a murder next?
Kim: Which one was that? Was that Lucius?
Sequoia: Yes! [laughs loudly]
Kim: That's what Lucius sounds like. Fine. "Look!" Bella hissed, pointing to the center of the encampment. "There's Lord Voldemort!" [snorting]
Sequoia: Fucking… great. Thanks, Bellatrix.
Kim: I'm imagining him like a camp counsellor now, like ukulele in hand and strumming. [Sequoia starts laughing]
Sequoia: He'd be the one that, like, he likes his... his marshmallow and his s'more like, a hundred percent burnt.
Kim: Oh, yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: No question.
Sequoia: No question about it. You're like, this is disgusting. Why would you want this?
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: Glad we're on the same page. Also why…
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Why are they doing this in this order?
Kim: Doing what?
Sequoia: This is out of order.
Kim: Yeah, no, they've... they’ve skipped the next two Horcruxes. They were close by, they just wanted to go check on what's happening.
Sequoia: Okay, great. Well, they have to have been close by, because Bella just like stumbled out of the bushes.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Minutes after the Weasleys were blown up, and knows who blew up the Weasleys.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So I buy that they're nearby the encampment.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: [suppressing laughter] Oh my gosh, this next part. Fucking insane. Okay. Whoo. I have to hype myself up because...
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: ...it's about to get better.
Sequoia: What the shit?
Kim: And then Harry saw the most disgusting thing he had ever seen in his long, eventful life.
Sequoia: Great. Yes.
Kim: Harry's life has not been long. Fine. Whatever.
Sequoia: Eventful, though.
Kim: I wouldn't… I wouldn’t argue that.There was the Dark Lord, his shiny white head gleaming in the sun, and on his lap was a girl with red hair.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: It was Ginny.
Sequoia: Uh huh. Okay, so...
Kim: What's up?
Sequoia: I like how that's more disgusting than, like, he leaves the outhouse and there's just like charred...
Kim: Corpses?
Sequoia: ...bodies everywhere.
Kim: We've established the Weasleys suck. [Sequoia laughs] Their cor... their charred corpses didn't affect him.
Sequoia: No, he's fine. But, you know, he sees Ginny sitting in Voldemort's lap, and he's like, [Kim makes vomiting noise] I'm going to vomit. Yeah. [laughs] Great.
Kim: Yes. "There's Voldemort's new tramp, Ginny," [Sequoia starts laughing] Bellatrix said angrily. "I hate her." "I hate her, too," Hermione said with a quiet anger. Now we've had all three characters say they hate Ginny.
Sequoia: They hate Ginny.
Kim: At this point.
Sequoia: Great. I would say valid reasons all around.
Kim: [singsong] Craaaaazyyyyy. Sure. Why not? "Ginny?" said Harry, confused beyond belief.
Sequoia: [whispers] Oh my God.
Kim: "But why would Ginny be helping Voldemort?" He was revolted by the way his former girlfriend was gazing up at his worst enemy with a seductive expression.
Sequoia: Gross.
Kim: "Let's use a long distance listening charm so we can hear," suggested Mione.
Sequoia: That's not a thing. [laughs]
Kim: It is now. Today. Hermione just invented it. Don't worry about it.
Sequoia: Excellent. Great. Great, great, great.
Kim: "Good idea, Mione," Harry said. "You are the cleverest witch I know."
Sequoia: Let's make out.
Kim: [makes tongue/kissing noises] No, that's not what he says. So they used a long distance hearing charm to tune into the distant words of Tom and Ginny.
Sequoia: Oooookay. Oh my God.
Kim: [high, overly shrill voice, used for Ginny throughout]”I made the Potter brat fall in love with me, my lord."
Sequoia: Oh, Jeeesus.
Kim: Ginny was simpering. "He didn't know I was alive before, but then he went crazy about me. I put all kinds of evil thoughts into his head, like saying it was okay to be rude to Fleur, and to crash into Zachary... Zacharias Smith." I have no idea what she's referring to.
Sequoia: Zacharias Smith.
Kim: He's the Hufflepuff who kind of sucks.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Did Harry crash into him?
Sequoia: No, Ginny did. He did something during a Quidditch game.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And then they won the Quidditch game. And then Ginny just flew her broom directly into him.
Kim: Ohhhh.
Sequoia: I don't know why but I remember that.
Kim: He sucks though.
Sequoia: He sucks but like also, like...
Kim: What? That's a weird thing to bring up right now.
Sequoia: Exactly. Like, staring up into the eyes of a mass murderer, you say, [both talk over each other, then Sequoia continues in a squeaky voice] I ran into a guy on his broom once and I made Harry think that it was okay for me to be mean to someone. Don't you love me?
Kim: [same squealy voice]: Love me! [Sequoia laughs] Voldemort cackled with evil laughter.
Sequoia: Oh my God, why? None of that was anything.
Kim: No, it was great! He's into it! Oh my God.
Sequoia: We have established that Ginny's the hot Weasley.
Kim: Oh my God. This next line. The next line! I can do this. I can do this.
Sequoia: You can do it. Come on. Come on. I'm ready.
Kim: "Well done, my little snuggly-wuggly." [Sequoia screams], he said evilly. [Sequoia screams indiscernable words] Amazing. Amazing.
Sequoia: How do you say that evilly?
Kim: I have no fucking clue.
Sequoia: [low, raspy voice] Well done, my little snuggly-wuggly.
Kim: I'm not doing that voice.
Sequoia: No?
Kim: I can't.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: I have so much more to read today. [Sequoia laughs loudly]
Sequoia: Excellent.
Kim: [whispers] There's more. "You have done well to mine the Potter brat of his greatest strength: the ability to feel compassion for others."
Sequoia: Woooow. Woooow.
Kim: I don't even know where to start, so I'm just gonna keep reading.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Voldemort and Ginny laughed. It was hard to say who sounded the most evil.
Sequoia: It's Voldemort, I think, probably.
Kim: "But, my Lord," Ginny simpered, "My plan was nearly ruined by the mudblood Harry calls Hermione." He has not been calling her Hermione.
Sequoia: He's not called her Hermione once! A). And… that's her fucking name.
Kim: No, it's Mione. Mione is her name.
Sequoia: But like… why is it the one Harry calls Hermione instead of...
Kim: I don't knooow.
Sequoia: ...Hermione.
Kim: I don't knooow.
Sequoia: It's her fucking name.
Kim: It's good. "Her true and worthy love for the Potter brat nearly ruined our perfect plan, but I managed to drug her into falling for my ugly older brother. And that distracted her for the time I needed."
Sequoia: I like how we now have to point out that Ron is ugly.
Kim: He sucks and he's ugly.
Sequoia: Sucks and he's ugly.
Kim: And dead.
Sequoia: Oh my God.
Kim: Poor Ron. What did Ron ever do to anyone? Steve Kloves!
Sequoia: [accusatorily] Steve Kloves!
Kim: Mione gave a gasp, and her chocolate eyes began to fill with regretful tears. Harry reached out and took her hand. "Don't worry, Mione," he said, gruffly, "I don't blame you. Love potions warp the mind. Look at what they made me fall in love with."
Sequoia: [whispers] Oh my God.
Kim: As he looked at Ginny, he couldn't believe how ugly she really was.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: She looked like Merope with red hair.
Sequoia: Rude.
Kim: Maybe that was why Voldemort liked her. Weird and gross.
Sequoia: That's weird and gross.
Kim: He supposed the vision of a pretty girl with dancing hair must have been a product of the love potion.
Sequoia: But... [snorts] dancing hair. Fine, continue.
Kim: He looked down at the horrified Mione beside him. By contrast with her cinnamon ringlets...
Sequoia: [interrupting] Oh, Jesus fucking Christ.
Kim: ...and deep, soulful coffee eyes, Mione...
Sequoia: They're coffee again.
Kim: ...was the most beautiful witch in the wizarding world, as well as the cleverest and the bravest. [Sequoia snorts] Okay. "It's a shame you did not kill the Potter brat at the wedding of the Weasel clan, my dear!" Voldemort said. "But you did well to kill your former family."
Sequoia: Yeah! Yeah, she did. She did that.
Kim: Yeah. A hundred percent.
Sequoia: I don't understand how they didn't like... oh wait, Ginny is not dead.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Her coat is here, full of love potion.
Kim: Why did she leave her co… never mind.
Sequoia: My immediate conclusion is, she's evil.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Or she's been kidnapped.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Those are the only two options and...
Kim: They didn't... they didn't care. No one cares.
Sequoia: And they... they were just like, oh, I'm mad that she drugged me. No idea what she's doing right now.
Kim: Some stuff.
Sequoia: [sighs] Oooooh, she killed her whole family. Cool.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: But just her family. Didn't hit anyone else.
Sequoia: Yeah, I don't know why.
Kim: Don't worry about it.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: "I hated them!" Ginny said evilly. "My brother was always controlling me and telling me not to go crazy with the boys. I made his death an extra painful one."
Sequoia: Holy shit! Whaaaat is... what?
Kim: There's more!
Sequoia: Oh my God. Okay.
Kim: "The twins were always teasing me, so I made their brains explode."
Sequoia: Oh my God.
Kim: "And I hated Fleur most of all, so I put a spell on her to make her ugly, then killed her."
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh my God. [keeps laughing] Holy shit!
Kim: Harry was gone for so long.
Sequoia: For so long.
Kim: How did Hermione not… Never mind.
Sequoia: Not see any of this? No, she didn't see any of this. [both laugh]
Kin: None of that matters.
Sequoia: Holy shit, that is... evil.
Kim: Good call. "She's so evil," [Sequoia starts laughing] whispered Bellatrix.
Sequoia: Whispered Bellatrix? Jesus fucking Christ. [whispers] Yesssss.
Kim: Harry growled, "How could we have been fooled like this? She killed her own family, and she was after me at the time. By a lucky chance, it was only Molly's chili dogs that saved me. [Sequoia laughs loudly] Truly, I am the Chosen One, to be saved by badly cooked food."
Sequoia: Oh my Goood. It has to be satire.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah, I've made my decision. I've made my dec... I've made it right now.
Kim: I love it.
Sequoia: Was saved by Molly's famous chili dogs.
Kim: [while laughing] Laxative laced...
Sequoia: Laxative laced for wedding purposes. [both laugh]
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Why?
Kim: Great. "We will punish her, Harry!" Mione said grimly, her chocolate eyes shining with fury so she looked like Albus Dumbledore in a bad mood. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I don't even... I don't even know if I can unpack that one.
Kim: No!
Sequoia: I can't even.
Kim: Too good! "For she is the one we set out to kill."
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: They were… they're... they're out for revenge. She is evil and did the bad thing, so kill her.
Kim: Yep. "But you are no longer a Weasel, Ginnykins."
Sequoia: No!
Kim: ...Voldemort smirked. "You are now Mrs. Tom Marvolo Riddle."
Sequoia: Oh, Jesus Christ. What?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: They are married?
Kim: Yeah. In like the ten minutes that they... [both laugh] I guess they walked through the woods for a few hours… I would say.
Sequoia: Yeah, they walked a couple of miles.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So… an hour.
Kim: Yeah. [Sequoia laughs] Bellatrix burst into tears. [Sequoia laughs loudly] Why is she still...
Sequoia: She's sooo… oh no.
Kim: Hermione patted her reassuringly on the back. "Don't worry, Bella. He was evil."
Sequoia: No fucking shit.
Kim: "Let's find out what they're planning," Harry said heroically.
Sequoia: [laughs] I think you did a good job on that one. Heroically.
Kim: Oh, did I?
Sequoia: Yeah. You said it heroically.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: Which means like... to me is like, I'm going to take charge of this situation and tell you what's going to happen next.
Kim: That doesn't sound like Harry.
Sequoia: Right. It's not.
Kim: Oh. Okay.
Sequoia: This is not Harry. I think we've established that. I think we… think we got there.
Kim: Though his stomach was churning in disgust at Ginny, and he was wondering how he could ever have kissed that foul, diseased, evil mouth. [laughter]
Sequoia: Yeeeees.
Kim: Truly, he would rather spend the night with Umbridge than that disgusting tramp.
Sequoia: Wooow. [pause] Wow. I mean...
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Wow. [both laugh] I mean, here's the thing. Umbridge is not like, married to Voldemort.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So is better than... than Ginny.
Kim: I guess.
Sequoia: I guess. I'm uncomfortable.
Kim: Are you ready to hear their evil plan?
Sequoia: Yes. No. Yes.
Kim: No one's ready for that.
Sequoia: No one's ready. Let's do it.
Kim: You're not... you're not ready.
Sequoia: My God.
Kim: "Now, it's time for you to travel in time."
Sequoia: YEEEEEEEEEES! [through laughter] YEEEES! [Kim makes high pitched noises] Literally could not be better than this.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Keep going.
Kim: "Polyjuice yourself into the traitor Bellatrix, and torture the Longbottoms and kill Sirius Black."
Sequoia: WHAT. THE. FUCK?
Kim: What? That's their evil plan.
Sequoia: That doesn't make any sense at all.
Kim: No, it makes perfect sense.
Sequoia: What is that accomplishing?
Kim: Framing Bellatrix? [pause] So that she can be good today? So that their evil plan...
Sequoia: So where was Bellatrix?
Kim: ...can unfold?
Sequoia: [laughs] Okay, great! Great.
Kim: These are necessary parts of their plan.
Sequoia: This plan is terrible. Continue.
Kim: "...and kill Sirius Black," Voldemort laughed evilly. "Everyone will blame Bella, even though she's really quite nice."
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh my god. That's... you... You never leave the Death Eaters, ‘cause if you do leave the Death Eaters, they...
Kim: ...will travel back in time and frame you for crimes.
Sequoia: Yeah. [pause] Nope, they'll just kill you.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I think they just kill you. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's how that goes.
Kim: Harry gasped. He now understood everything.
Sequoia: No! [both laugh] No. No. No, you don't. I don't.
Kim: "It was Ginny," he said angrily. "Ginny killed Sirius and drove Neville’s parents insane. I'm so sorry I misjudged you, Bella."
Sequoia: This is… it was not… it was not unreasonable to have misjudged her. This is not unreasonable.
Kim: You know, those aren't the only two bad things that Bella ever did.
Sequoia: Oh, no. No, no, no. Not even close.
Kim: Soooo.
Sequoia: So there's that.
Kim: So all the stuff in the middle was Bellatrix. Just those two things...
Sequoia: So who went to Azkaban?
Kim: Bellatrix.
Sequoia: Not Ginny?
Kim: No. Ginny... we'll get there.
Sequoia: Okay, great. Okay.
Kim: And then Harry and Bellatrix fell into each other’s arms, hugging and crying.
Sequoia: What the... God damn.
Kim: Harry was worried Hermione would be jealous.
Sequoia: Oh my God.
Kim: But a look at her face told him it was all right.
Sequoia: [mumbling] Oookay. It's because they had... they have an unspoken communication between them.
Kim: Mhm. Mhm. Because of their alchemical...
Sequoia: It's sort of like a woodland love. [laughter]
Kim: Exactly.
Sequoia: Yeah, exactly. ‘Cause they're of the woods. Continue.
Kim: "Harry," Mione said, "We have to stop Ginny from going back in time, and save Sirius and Neville’s parents.
Sequoia: [under her breath] This is not how time works.
Kim: "I agree, Mione!" Harry said.
Sequoia: Of course you do. You don't... you can't... you don't have any...
Kim: "We can still save Sirius."
Sequoia: Oh. My. God.
Kim: [whispers] Siriussss.
Sequoia: Holy shit.
Kim: "I'll go with you!" Bella said.
Sequoia: Of course she will.
Kim: The other two nodded.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: [mumbling] Everyone’s going back in time.
Sequoia: We're going back.
Kim: As Ginny got up to step into the time machine, the three of them... [whispers] Time machine.
Sequoia: The time machine?
Kim: [cry laughing] Time machine.
Sequoia: I just imagine them stepping into the Tardis. [laughs]
Kim: Significant glance.
Sequoia: Yeah, this… great.
Kim: The three of them rushed across the field, wands drawn to protect themselves from the Death Eaters. And that's the end of chapter four.
Sequoia: Okay, what? [pause] What?
Kim: What?
Sequoia: They got into the time machine?
Kim: No, Ginny got in the time machine.
Sequoia: Oh, Ginny got in the time machine.
Kim: And they're rushing...
Sequoia: And they're running towards the time machine?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: And the Death Eaters are like, shit!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Okay. And that's the end of the chapter?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Is it the Tardis? [laughs]
Kim: I meaaaan… hmmmm?
Sequoia: Guys, what is happening?
Kim: How does everyone feel?
Sequoia: I feel [pause] I have like, kind of… I'm slightly broken. [laughs]
Kim: I know, right? We got like another hour of this.
Sequoia: Jesus Christ. Okay. That is part two of our of our three part series.
Kim: Harry and Mione's Horcrux Hunt.
Sequoia: They're having a grand time.
Kim: They're doing a great job.
Sequoia: They are. They...
Kim: Four out of seven...
Sequoia: Four out of seven.
Kim: ...done. No. Five out of seven done.
Sequoia: Five... yeah. Five out of seven Horcruxes are...
Kim: Gone.
Sequoia: ...gone. But their Horcrux hunt has been sort of put on pause.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Because they gotta save Sirius...
Kim: They gotta go back in time.
Sequoia: ...by killing Ginny, I assume.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Who is now Ginny Riddle, as it were.
Kim: She is.
Sequoia: She is. Ginevra...
Kim: Nope
Sequoia: ...Riddle.
Kim: Virginia.
Sequoia: [laughing] Virginia Riddle. Okay. Well...
Kim: Cool!
Sequoia: Tune in next week for the thrilling...
Kim: Exciting...
Both: ...conclusion.
Kim: Yeah! [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: To our story.
Kim: If you want to let us know how you're feeling, what your thoughts are on what we're doing to you, at you, or whatever, we've got lots of social media accounts.
Sequoia: @FanaticalFics on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook, and you can email us at fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Kim: You can also click on over to our website. We've got story recommendations, although I don't have one this week because we're just chugging right along.
Sequoia: We're just doing it. We're just doing it.
Kim: You'll get one next week.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs] Yeah, you can find all our story recommendations. You can submit a story to us for us to read. There's a lot of fun stuff on the website. Merch things. That's where you'll find the link to our Patreon page if you want to support the podcast.
Kim: Yep. The website is fanaticalfics.com.
Sequoia: Other ways to support the podcast: send us in a review on Facebook or on iTunes.
Kim: We'll read them out at the top… your names out at the top of the episode...next time we record.
Sequoia: Yep. [laughs] And also tell your friends. Tell your friends about the podcast. As usual… I mean they can usually start wherever, except...
Kim: Three part episode!
Sequoia: ...the three part episodes, so yeah, send along your favourite episode to your best friend and say, I got this for you, because...
Kim: Bye.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah, and then shout, bye! and run away. All right, great.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: Thank you to the Whomping Willows for our awesome theme song, Wolfstar.
Kim: See you next week!
Sequoia: See you next week.
Kim: Bye!
Sequoia: Bye!