Episode 24: Love of a Cat, Love of a Man
Welcome aboard the train to whatever! In this episode Sequoia finally scratches “Make Kim Uncomfortable” off her bucket list. Get ready, listeners, for your world to be shattered.
Recommendation: Revenge of the Tiny Snapes
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9897086/1/Revenge-of-the-Tiny-Snapes
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Austin
Checker: Skylar
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Sequoia: Do you have... do... do you have… is there... is there anything…?
Kim: I mean…
Sequoia: Are we out of stuff to say?
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Podcast’s over, last episode of the podcast. We no longer have ANYTHING to say.
Kim: We should, uh…
Sequoia: Goodbye.
Kim: We should play that game we were playing last night where I go, “What's the deal with…?”
Sequoia: [laughs] No.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Well, okay, no. Do it.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Okay, let’s... I’ll try.
Kim: Ready?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: What's the deal with…?
Sequoia: Harry Potter fanfiction? See, there was a tie in. I did a tie in.
Kim: Why would you do that?
Sequoia: I did a... I did a tie in.
Kim: What's the deal with old people?
Sequoia: Oh my God. [both laugh]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It's our podcast about Harry Potter fanfiction.
Sequoia: I'm so excited!
Kim: Jesus Christ. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Look dude. Look, dude. I'm getting concerned, actually.
Sequoia: Why?
Kim: Considering how excited you are. You're... you’ve... I don’t think that I’ve ever seen you this excited to read me a fanfiction before.
Sequoia: This story's… [mouth noise]
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Oh, it's many things. [Kim laughs] It's everything and nothing.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: But I'm really excited about it. But... but first, do we have “but first?” Is there anything to do first? We lost a review on iTunes! [both laugh]
Kim: I don't know. It's possible that by the time this gets released we'll have another. We’ll... we’ll have...
Both: ...gained that loss back.
Sequoia: We'll be back to where we were before.
Kim: Sequoia and I are banking a bunch of episodes because we've decided to spend the entire summer as far apart as possible.
Sequoia: Different continents.
Kim: As... it's just the opposite side of the world.
Sequoia: Yeah, just like, get away from me.
Kim: I can't stand to look at you.
Sequoia: Right?
Kim: So.
Sequoia: So, yeah.
Kim: We’re recording a whole bunch in advance.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Here's a cut where we're editing in some shout outs. [makes creaking mouth sound]
Sequoia: Oh my God. I was gonna do the SHOUT OUT thing and then you started making…
Kim: Noises.
Sequoia: That noise.
Kim: Mouth noises. Jesus. [Sequoia makes Grudge-esque stuttering mouth noise]
Kim: No. No mouth noises.
Sequoia: A little The Ring.
Kim: No mouth noises.
Sequoia: Is that The Grudge? Is that The Ring or The Grudge?
Kim: I...
Sequoia: I think that's The Grudge.
Kim: ...have...
Sequoia: They're the same.
Kim: ...no idea.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: I... I don't watch scary movies ‘cause I am a ‘fraidy cat.
Sequoia: A ‘fraidy cat?
Kim: That's me.
Sequoia: Awesome.
Kim: Just to the listeners… anything you guys wonder anything about us?
Sequoia: You got some...
Kim: Questions about us?
Sequoia: We might answer ‘em.
Kim: No, we won't. [laughs] Jesus…
Sequoia: Tweet them at us.
Kim: No. Stop talking about Twitter.
Sequoia: Jesus Christ.
Kim: You haven't tweeted out any…
Sequoia: I know.
Kim: ...of the things you said you were gonna tweet out.
Sequoia: I'm actually legitimately bad at social media, [Kim laughs] which is hilarious because that's like my...
Kim: Degree…?
Sequoia: ...living? Yeah. So, I don't know... I don't know, guys. Maybe… I just need... I just need our listeners to pull a little bit more weight.
Kim: Nope.
Sequoia: No? Am I not allowed to say that?
Kim: They are tweeting at us.
Sequoia: They are tweeting at us. Thanks for tweeting at us, guys.
Kim: It makes us...
Sequoia: Hey!
Kim: What?
Sequoia: If you're listening from…
Kim: No, Jesus fucking Christ!
Sequoia: No, no, no, no. No! Fucking let me do this. Just let it happen.
Kim: [from a distance] I’m leaving!
Sequoia: No, you're not!
Kim: [voice growing softer] This is the sound of me walking out of the spare bedroom!
Sequoia: No it's not, you're just shouting into...
Kim: As if I was far away?
Sequoia: Yeah. Away from the microphone. If you're listening to this podcast from British Columbia, would you just tweet at us?
Kim: [laughs] Jesus.
Sequoia: If you get a minute to tweet at us @FanaticalFics.
Kim: We were checking our new stats on Libsyn the other day and British Columbia is the number one, like, state province type thing listening to us right now, which is weird.
Sequoia: Yeah, it is. So, tell us about yourself.
Kim: How's Vancouver? [long pause] Or any other city in BC?
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah. Tell us about other cities in BC. We're trying to... we're trying to be relatable. We're trying to relate to you guys. We’re trying to…
Kim: How’s… how’s the Canada things?
Sequoia: Poutine.
Kim: Don’t think that’s a BC thing.
Sequoia: I don't know. I've been to Vancouver. I actually really liked Vancouver.
Kim: So have I!
Sequoia: I went to a cool museum that would look like a golf ball.
Kim: Epcot?
Sequoia: No. Although I've also been to Epcot. Epcot’s fun too. I was gonna drink my way around the world but I drank too much the night before we went to Epcot. That's a real story.
Kim: I was gonna drink my way around the world too but I was, like, eight. So…
Sequoia: You're like, [high-pitched voice] sir, I’d like a beer.
Kim: No I was like, [deep voice] sir. [regular voice] I’ve always sounded like this, guys. Always.
Sequoia: Oh, great. Great. All right. Well, we've talked about some shit for a minute.
Kim: Jesus fucking Christ.
Sequoia: Some random garbage.
Kim: Too much!
Sequoia: Too much.
Kim: Let's get into the thing that we're here for.
Sequoia: Yeah, so I'm really... I'm really intrigued to see what your predictions are going to be, because the title of this story is For the Love of a Cat, For the Love of a Man. And it is a romance story. Straight romance.
Kim: [groans] What? Is this... is this like payback for what I did to you last time?
Sequoia: No, I've actually... I've had this story on my list for a while. And I lied to you. It's not For the, it's just Love of a Cat, Love of a Man.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Not that that really changes anything, but I just wanted to be clear.
Kim: Okay, this is Ron/Hermione.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Okay. Prediction number one.
Kim: Yeah. Cat... it says to me that it's Crookshanks, and, like, there's some shenanigans because, you know, Ron hates Crookshanks.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: Like, so much. This story is gonna feature a misunderstanding that could be cleared up by talking to each other.
Sequoia: Okay, that's great. I love that. I love that.
Kim: And there's gonna be a confrontation in a common room.
Sequoia: Confrontation in a common room. Ron, Hermione. Whatever the other one you said was.
Kim: Conflict that could be cleared up by talking to each other.
Sequoia: Conflict that could be… Right, yeah. Which is... which is a great fanfiction trope. One of my favorites.
Kim: Yeah that’s just, just romcom trope.
Sequoia: Yeah, it’s a romcom trope. I love romcoms. Guys. Guys.
Kim: I know. You want to watch some new... nope, don’t tell us about it. I’m okay.
Sequoia: I love romcoms. All right. Okay. Are you ready for this?
Kim: No.
Sequoia: You're not. No one is. No one's ready. Guys, I fucking love this story.
Kim: Remember to send us your predictions. Hopefully any of us get points this time. This is gonna be a wild ride, I have a feeling.
Sequoia: Yeah, that was… I mean, this one was gonna be difficult, but yeah, listeners, take a crack at it.
Kim: You guys seem to be doing better this than us so, you know, that's always great.
Sequoia: Yeah, pretty generally you're doing a better job. So keep up the good work, guys! Keep sending those predictions in. Here we are. Love of a Cat, Love of a Man.
Kim: [softly] Jesus.
Sequoia: Tender ears pricked up at the sound of tiny rats’ feet as they scurried through the halls of Hogwarts School of Magic.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Yawning, the ginger cat rolled over from its back onto its stomach.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Cats sleep on their back, apparently.
Kim: Sometimes. Er… no.
Sequoia: Sometimes? He had been pleasantly daydreaming of a brunette beauty when the sounds of the tiny feet disturbed him. Blinking his eyes quickly, he got up from his place in front of the fire of the Head Girl’s dorm and jumped onto the bed where the brunette of his dreams would soon be joining him as the library had closed an hour ago.
Kim: [laughs] What was Hermione doing for an HOUR after the library closed?
Sequoia: Uh... uh. Maybe the Head Girl dorm is an hour...
Kim: NOPE.
Sequoia: ...away...
Kim: NOPE.
Sequoia: ...from the library?
Kim: Nope. Hermione.
Sequoia: She had some... some Head Girling to do. She had to walk about the corridors and try to catch some troublemakers or something.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: You know.
Kim: Fine. Oh, this is good. I like it.
Sequoia: The cat that people had called Crookshanks yawned again and began to clean his puffy orange fur as he waited. In troubled times like this, he could never sleep soundly without his mistress here, safe and sound beside him.
Kim: Troubled times? Is it ‘cause there's rats about and he can’t get to them? That is troubling.
Sequoia: [laughs] No, it’s in the… she's a Head Girl. The Head Girl. So it’s seventh year.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: It’s troubled times.
Kim: Eh.
Sequoia: Voldemort.
Kim: Meh. What does Crookshanks care about that shit?
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: Oh no! Is Crookshanks a person in this?
Sequoia: Oh. I don’t know. Is Crookshanks a person in this?
Kim: Oh shit. What?! I'm excited. Continue, please.
Sequoia: Okay. Eighteen years. Had it really been that long? The cat pondered as his eyes searched the room looking for anything that could be dangerous.
Kim: Such as...
Sequoia: Constant vigilance! [both laugh] Anything could be dangerous.
Kim: Anything. Fine.
Sequoia: After that rat episode four years ago, he wasn't taking any chances. He could still could have kicked himself for letting that fat rat get away. Ever...
Kim: He tried his best.
Sequoia: He did.
Kim: Let’s be real. Crookshanks was, like, star of that show.
Sequoia: Yeah, he was not having any of this.
Kim: Oh, yeah.
Sequoia: Rat shit.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: [whisper] Rat shit. This is…
Sequoia: Rat shit!
Kim: Scabbers, stop pooping in my bed! [Sequoia laughs] You're literally a man. Why are you pooping in the bed?
Sequoia: Ever since he saw it in that pet shop, he knew it was trouble. He should have just gone ahead and killed it when he had the chance, and damn that red-haired fool who seemed to be in love with it.
Kim: Poor Ron.
Sequoia: Yeah. What a red-haired fool.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: Crookshanks. “What the hell kind of a name is that?” he thought with a mental chuckle. Because he couldn't chuckle out loud, because he's a cat. He had to do it in his head. It's just a mental chuckle.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: He could make the cat equivalent of a chuckle, which is... biting? I don't know. That’s all my cat does, he just bites me.
Sequoia: All our cat does is meow at top volume.
Kim: She screams.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Just screams.
Sequoia: Just screams. What was the pet shop owner drinking when she came up with that? You see, the cat was, in fact, a man.
Kim: No. Yes. Okay. I'm on board the whatever train. But he's been in... in... in hiding as an Ani… Animagus for eighteen years.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Him.
Kim: Who the fuck is this gonna be? Is it gonna be like some extra Weasley? Because of the orange…
Sequoia: [laughs] Another Weasley?
Kim: How did they forget about that one?
Sequoia: Oh no. But for eighteen years, he had been a cat.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Why?
Kim: Felt like it.
Sequoia: Because he was scared and ashamed. And as far as anyone knew, dead.
Kim: Huh. Okay.
Sequoia: Are you ready?
Kim: Wonder when this was written. Is this like Fabian or Gideon or...
Sequoia: It’s 2006.
Kim: Okay. Who is it?
Sequoia: There... it's about.... I'm about to say it. The n… the next thing is...
Kim: Fucking tell me.
Sequoia: Regulus Black.
Kim: [nervous noise] Awesome. This is great. This is the kind of, like, speculative fanfiction that I love.
Sequoia: Right. I love this story!
Kim: The stuff that was like... especially the stuff that took R.A.B. and ran with it. Oh, yes!
Sequoia: Yeah. ‘Cause yes 2006. You’re post book six, you're not yet to book seven, they're sitting there going, like, maybe he's still alive. What if he's not dead? What if he comes back in the seventh book?
Kim: Yeah. Yeah. Awesome. Yes.
Sequoia: He could play a bigger part.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I love it.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Crookshanks! Sure, why not? [Sequoia laughs] We've done the person hiding as an Animagus for a long, long time already. Yeah, let's do it again!
Sequoia: Why not?
Kim: Why not?
Sequoia: Regulus Black, long thought deceased brother of Harry Potter's godfather Sirius Black. Once...
Kim: In case you didn't know.
Sequoia: Yeah. They... what... so, disclaimer. I did edit this a little bit.
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia: There was much, much, much origin storying in this, and I cut a lot of...
Kim: Of who Regulus is?
Sequoia: Of a lot of stuff.
Kim: Oh. Interesting.
Sequoia: So I just cut a lot, like, under the assumption that everyone who's listening has read the Harry Potter books.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So... but I... some of it stayed in.
Kim: Oh, I… I know what you mean. So, like, fanfictions where they just kind of, like, restate what's happened in the books for some weird reason. It's like, we're reading fanfiction because... why? Why? I know what happened in the books.
Sequoia: Why... we… exactly. So I cut a little bit of that because it was a little long.
Kim: All right. All right.
Sequoia: Let's see. Blah blah blah. Long thought deceased brother of Harry Potter's godfather Sirius Black. Once a former Death Eater, he tried so hard to please his pure-blooded family and to prove he was better than his brother that at eighteen, he had got the mark and became a Death Eater.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: A decision he would regret to his dying day. At nineteen, he wanted out. He found a locket and left a note to prove he had took it and he ran. Voldemort found him. However, when Voldemort sent a curse at him, he changed into his cat form, leaving his clothes behind that were completely destroyed. And so, he had died.
Kim: I… I don't think that would have fooled Voldemort. Let’s be real.
Sequoia: Nope.
Kim: No, that would not have fooled Voldemort. Not even a little bit.
Sequoia: Voldemort’s like, where… where’d he go? Where’d he go?
Kim: It fooled Sirius a little bit, but it’s not gonna fool Voldemort. [both laugh]
Sequoia: No. No, no, no. But yeah, he just turned into a cat and he ran away.
Kim: Force ghost!
Sequoia: Force ghost.
Kim: Voldemort’s like, yeah, sure. I saw Star Wars.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs] Oh. Freedom, however, was not in the cards for him. He couldn't change back, and was found and taken to a pet shop, for crying out loud.
Kim: So he couldn't change back just because he was afraid that he would be found by the Death Eaters? Okay.
Sequoia: Yeah, he didn't want to be found by Voldemort, even though he believed that Voldemort thought he was dead.
Kim: Yeah!
[pause]
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: ‘Kay, fine. You know, no one would have known but Voldemort at that point because he hid the... the Horcruxes so well he wouldn't have told anyone about Regulus’s betrayal.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: There's no reason for him to hide.
Sequoia: Not really, I guess. I mean, there'd be reason for him to hide, but not as a cat. Like, he might want to keep a low profile.
Kim: Eh.
Sequoia: But he would not... No, no, no. He definitely wants... would want to keep a low profile.
Kim: Eh, well, yeah. I guess he probably figured that Voldemort had more and was probably… Did he know that Voldemort had more and was gonna come back? Or did he think the locket was his only one?
Sequoia: Oh, I get what you're saying. Yeah, that doesn't make sense. Cool.
Kim: I don't know what’s happening! Been too long.
Sequoia: Yep. He couldn't change back and was found and taken to a pet shop, for crying out loud, where he proceeded to make the life of the owner a living hell for fourteen years. Anyone who came near him, he attacked....
Kim: [cackles softly] Good.
Sequoia: ...so they would leave him alone.
Kim: Fine. I mean, Diagon Alley is a pretty good place to hide out if you're looking for news and stuff. It’s a great place.
Sequoia: Exactly, yeah. You, like, keep your ear to the ground or whatever.
Kim: Your little triangular ear.
Sequoia: Your little tiny, fuzzy ear to the ground.
Kim: Yeah! So cute.
Sequoia: [baby voice] Your little fuzzy ear!
Kim: You would think that Regulus would be a more handsome looking cat than Crookshanks.
Sequoia: Yeah. Crookshanks is one fucking hot mess.
Kim: Crookshanks is one ugly lookin’ motherfucker. [both laugh]
Sequoia: We get to Regulus’s looks later in the story.
Kim: Oh, what?
Sequoia: Here we go. So he attacked people so they’d leave him alone.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Then she came in. She petted him and cuddled him and bought him, not listening to the owner’s warnings.
Kim: Don't take that fucking cat! He’s the WORST!
Sequoia: That cat is a fucking demon. Although if I were the owner I'd be like, yes, that's a great cat. What a wonderful cat. Take it!
Kim: Take this cat!
Sequoia: Take it from me.
Kim: It's great.
Sequoia: Take it away.
Kim: Don't look at his face.
Sequoia: Don't look too hard at the cat. He saw Sirius, his brother, again that same year.
Kim: They hung out! Oh, weird! What?
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah.
Kim: Okay, this is getting canon weird.
Sequoia: Mhm. Sirius didn't recognize him and Regulus was once again feeling a sincere disappointment.
Kim: In Sirius? [laughs]
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: Who doesn't?
Sequoia: Sirius never paid him any attention.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: And he surely didn't love him. Sad!
Kim: Oh. That’s really sad. I mean, he never talked about him.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Even once.
Sequoia: Oh, he was kind of a bad guy for a while. He didn't know that he turned into a good guy.
Kim: He’s still his little brother.
Sequoia: That’s true. I guess. Fine, whatever. Fine. Have emotional attachment to other people. The next year, his old master returned. Over the years he began to get stronger, his mistress and her friends had to fight him and his followers. The hunt for the Horcruxes was almost over and the last step was to kill Voldemort himself.
Kim: Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're skipping past the Horcrux hunt?
Sequoia: Yep! Well, there... Crookshanks wasn’t there.
Kim: So they're all at Hogwarts, Hermione’s Head Girl and they've somehow sought out and destroyed all the Horcruxes?
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: This is a great vision for book seven.
Sequoia: [chuckles] Right.
Kim: Just kidding, I like it.
Sequoia: She was going with them...
Kim: You know how they could do it?
Sequoia: How?
Kim: With a pipe! [both laugh raucously]
Sequoia: Just hit him with a pipe!
Kim: Works every time. Ten out of ten pipes.
Sequoia: Ten out of ten. Works every time.
Kim: It's my Amazon review.
Sequoia: Of pipes?
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Okay, that's fine. She was going with them. He wouldn't allow it. He couldn't lose her.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: He would fight with her and protect her. Her friends would be too busy to fully protect her.
Kim: Hermione... never mind. Whatever.
Sequoia: She doesn’t need protection. Come on, dude. Overprotective dudes. Get it together! Over the years, he'd watched her grow into a beautiful, smart, compassionate person who deserved a better life.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: He looked up as she entered the room. “Hello, Crookshanks,” she said happily. She sat on the bed, where he climbed up onto her lap and began to purr when he felt her long, warm fingers caress his scalp and behind his ears.
Kim: They like it when you scratch their little chubby cheeks.
Sequoia: Kitty, kitty.
Kim: Nice kitty. [both laugh]
Sequoia: “We leave tomorrow.”
Kim: She’s taking Crookshanks? Fine, whatever. Doesn't matter.
Sequoia: It’s cool. “Voldemort's forces have gathered and we must be ready. Harry is with Dumbledore and Ron with his family.”
Kim: Wait! What? No. What? Nope. What, what?
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: Harry's with who?
Sequoia: Dumbledore.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: 2006. Everything's fine.
Kim: Okay. [both laugh] Whatever.
Sequoia: Everything’s fine!
Kim: I mean, he could be just, like, hanging out with the corpse, I guess.
Sequoia: Rude. “If anything happens to me, Ron promised to take you,” she said quietly.
Kim: He did what? That doesn't sound right.
Sequoia: That doesn’t sound like Ron. She held him tight and kissed his head, whispering, “I love you, Crookshanks,” and went to sleep. Regulus was quite ready to go through with this. “It is happening, but you will not fight without me.” He looked at the angel in front of him. This... this is... this is... this is where it starts to get weird, but we'll just... everything’s fine.
Kim: [nervous noises] We’re just gonna push through this? Okay. All right. What is happening?
Sequoia: This is great. So great. He looked at the angel in front of him. He wanted her in his bed every night.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: He desired her with every fiber of his being. This is the cat staring at her, just imagine.
Kim: I'd rather not, considering the amount that the cats in my life stare at me.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: I'm not imagining this. Thanks, pass. Hard pass.
Sequoia: Hard pass. He loved her with all of his heart. “You are mine, Hermione,” he thought as he licked her cheek.
Kim: Wish he’d been, like, meowing that.
Sequoia: Meow m… meow, Meow-meow-meow!
Kim: Just loud, loud yowling.
Sequoia: ...licked her cheek. And I will protect you.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: It was time to face his fears and the man that had forced him into a life of hiding. It was time to pick up where his life ended. He jumped onto the floor. “I'm doing this for you, my love. I will be brave for you.”
Kim: No, no! What? No. No. What! No. Oh no. Whatever's coming next… Oh no.
Sequoia: It took a bit of time because it'd been almost two decades since he transformed, but after a bit, he changed back into his old self.
Kim: [voice warbling] Why did he wait for her to fall asleep?
Sequoia: This is my favorite part. This is my favorite part. This is my favorite part.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: He had invented a potion that allowed him to not age when he changed, so he was back to his nineteen year old self.
Kim: Oh, Jesus. Fine. Fuckin’ …. fuckin’ fine.
Sequoia: This is one of my... that’s one of my very favorites. One of my favorite... very favorite fanfiction tropes is...
Kim: Is they’re the same age, deal with it.
Sequoia: Yep. Mhm. This isn't weird because they're the same age. It's fine.
Kim: Just his body’s the same age!
Sequoia: Okay. It’s also been the cat for eighteen, nineteen years. Whatever.
Kim: That can't be healthy.
Sequoia: It’s fine.
Kim: Fine, okay. Let's continue. Describe… we're going to get his looks now, aren't we?
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: I really hope he looks exactly like Crookshanks.
Sequoia: Sort of like he's spent the last eighteen years in, like, an alleyway fightin’ some...
Kim: Well… the thing about, like, Animagi. Their forms tend to, like, make sense and have distinctive, like, features that look like the person that they're changing from.
Sequoia: Right. Yeah. Like... like McGonagall’s glasses around her cat eyes.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Sooooo…
Kim: Crookshanks has a lot of distinctive features.
Sequoia: Let’s just... just throw those out.
Kim: Okay, great.
Sequoia: Just... we're just... we’re just gonna forget what Crookshanks looked like entirely. Yep.
Kim: No, no. I can’t! Regulus looks like Crookshanks. Canon!
Sequoia: Fanatical Fics canon, add it to the list. Dark hair and eyes, and of average height and build. He wasn't handsome, but was okay looking.
Kim: Because of his squashed faced and bandy legs. [both laugh] Bottle brush, whatever.
Sequoia: I like that the story itself is like...
Kim: He looks okay.
Sequoia: He's okay looking.
Kim: He's fine.
Sequoia: There's nothing real special happenin’ there.
Kim: That’s... that’s… You know, shoot for the stars, Hermione. I mean, look at Ron, am I right? Jesus.
Sequoia: Oh my gosh. He looks more like Crookshanks, than... than Regulus does.
Kim: They’re the same color or whatever.
Sequoia: Or whatever! Sirius had got all the looks in his family.
Kim: He took them all.
Sequoia: He took them all.
Kim: He took ‘em. Just took ‘em.
Sequoia: Rude. He made his way to the bed where his angel was sleeping. He reached down and gently touched her cheek, tracing it.
Kim: Weird. Don’t do that. Don't do that.
Sequoia: It was his first contact with her without fur.
Kim: I mean he's got those little toe beans. Those aren’t furry.
Sequoia: She moved when he touched her, stretching her arms above her head. Her eyes fluttered open.
Kim: Oh, Jesus.
Sequoia: “What?” she whispered sitting up. “Who are you?” she looked around for something. For me, he thought with a smile.
Kim: What?! No! It’s a wand. She’s looking for a wand.
Sequoia: It’s a wand! It’s not the cat. She’s not looking for the cat, she’s looking for a way to defend herself from this strange man.
Kim: Yep. Yep. Jeez. All right, great.
Sequoia: “You don't remember me?” he asked softly.
Kim: What? How? Mmm. Uh. Then she saw his squashed nose and was like, oooooh!
Sequoia: Oh, it's my cat. [both laugh] “You don't remember me?”
Kim: I hope her and Ron bond over having had pets that were actually people for several years and how horrible that must make you feel.
Sequoia: And just like, oh God, really? The whole time?
Both: The WHOLE time?
Kim: I changed in front of the cat. Every day!
Sequoia: Every day. He asked softly. He took both of her hands in his. “Look at my eyes,” he suggested, “Eyes never change.”
Kim: Crookshanks has like... Crookshanks has like hideous yellow eyes, doesn't he?
Sequoia: Yeah. [dreamily] Look into my hideous yellow eyes. I'm only okay looking.
Kim: Do you think... do you think he still has, like, kitty cat eyes too and they, like, glow in the dark like little lasers?
Sequoia: And they’re like little slits?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah, probably.
Kim: Yeah. All right!
Sequoia: ‘Cause she's about to recognize him via his eyes.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: So he must still have cat eyes.
Kim: Oh great, that’s great. Good.
Sequoia: “Look at my eyes,” he suggested, “Eyes never change.” Her beautiful eyes widened as they gazed into his for what seemed like an eternity. “Crookshanks?”
Kim: What? No. [Sequoia loudly laughs] This is so great. What is happening?
Sequoia: I’m gonna cry. And I know what's happening. Okay. She breathed softly. She looked away, trying to find an explanation for what seemed the impossible. He smiled fondly. This was his Hermione.
Kim: Uncomfortable. I'm uncomfortable.
Sequoia: You're uncomfortable?
Kim: I am uncomfortable.
Sequoia: [triumphantly] Yes, YES!
Kim: You got me.
Sequoia: I did it!
Kim: You’ve done it.
Sequoia: I have arrived! Excellent. Great. “It is true, Hermione. I have been a cat for eighteen years.”
Kim: But I still have a nineteen year old body. Don’t worry about why.
Sequoia: Don’t worry about it. It’s fine.
Kim: Let’s do this thing.
Sequoia: “My name is Regulus Black, Sirius’s brother.” Her mouth dropped open. He continued.
Kim: Why does he have to… You’d think that considering how much he seems to resent Sirius, he wouldn't go around introducing himself as...
Both: Sirius’s brother!
Sequoia: He doesn't like me very much.
Kim: I'm talking about my brother issues. And mother issues.
Sequoia: And everything. “I never died. I stayed as a cat in a pet shop for years before you bought me. I have seen you at your best and worst. I have seen you grow into the woman you are. I love you, Hermione, with all my heart and soul. I couldn't stand back and let you fight without me, knowing some... without me, knowing something could happen. I can't live without you.”
Kim: And then she vomits everywhere.
Sequoia: Right, yeah. Says your cat to you after turning into a man in the night.
Kim: [gagging sounds] Why couldn’t you do this when I wasn’t… You know, I bet she just thinks is, like, a horrible nightmare. You wake me up in the middle of the night, I'm not going to believe whatever is happening is happening.
Sequoia: No. Especially...
Kim: If it’s that my cat is now a man.
Sequoia: Are you ready for this shit?
Kim: No! Continue!
Sequoia: She looked at him with tears in her eyes as she gazed at him. She opened her pink mouth and said, “I love you, too.”
Kim: Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew.
Sequoia: Why?!
Kim: Ew.
Sequoia: What? [whispering] Why?
Kim: Awesome. This is great.
Sequoia: Oh, good, good. Oh. His heart nearly burst. After so long, alone...
Kim: Because he was so old.
Sequoia: Because he's real old, guys. He's not, he's not. He's like fortysomething.
Kim: That is so old.
Sequoia: It’s very old. He’s been a cat for a really, really long time. After so long alone he had finally found love. He would never go back to what he was, because he now had something worth fighting for: a future with the woman he loved. With these thoughts…[unintelligible muttering]
Kim: Can you just keep going!
Sequoia: Oh, man. With these thoughts, he leaned forward and placed his lips on hers. She kissed back. It began slowly, but quickly grew heated and passionate beneath that full moon in the black starry night with the threat of war tomorrow. Regulus Black and Hermione Granger became whole, holding the person they loved, who loved them back.
Kim: Ugh. Ugh.
Sequoia: Oh my God.
Kim: UGH.
Sequoia: So…
Kim: Is that the end?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: I mean it IS the end, but there's, like, a little epilogue.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: And I wasn't gonna read it unless we had time, but we have time.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Great. Thirteen years later.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Voldemort had been dead for thirteen years.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Killed by the boy who lived, who was now a father of three little ones under the ages of eight, and husband of a pretty red-haired woman, a year younger than himself.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Still best friends with his childhood pals. Most of the children from the batter... battle had children now. All too young to be sent to Hogwarts. All but one, that is.
Kim: No! I'm uncomfortable again! Please don’t!
Sequoia: Sorry. I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry at all.
Kim: Continue, please.
Sequoia: You deserve this!
Kim: I do deserve this. This is great. I only wish I’d found it.
Sequoia: Most were betting where this child would go. Half lion, half snake. Bets were placed for both, even for the houses of the eagle and badger. Two proud parents, heads of their houses, waited impatiently, sharing looks of happiness, love and sadness.
Kim: Huh?
Sequoia: What?
Kim: Is Regulus a professor at Hogwarts, is that what they’re saying?
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: Fine. Okay, continue.
Sequoia: Head of Slytherin house.
Kim: Fine. Continue. This is great.
Sequoia: And Hermione’s head of Gryffindor house. Yeah, it’s fine.
Kim: This is fine. This is good. This is fine.
Sequoia: This is fine. And the oldest child of their five little ones began her first step.
Kim: Did they... did she have them as, like, a litter because he's a cat?
Sequoia: Oh no! Why would you say that?
Kim: I don’t know. Just, what is happening? I like that he changed back into a man on the night of a full moon. It's like he's like a reverse werewolf.
Sequoia: I didn't really catch that. I hadn't caught that before. But, yeah, he totally did.
Kim: Or whatever!
Sequoia: Beneath the full moon.
Kim: Jesus.
Sequoia: The name was called. “Raquel Black.” And all were silent. A brown eyed girl with straight brown hair...
Kim: Raquel.
Sequoia: Yeah, Raquel. It's fine. With straight brown hair stepped up onto the stool.
Kim: [intensely] Why she got straight hair?
Sequoia: It's from her dad's side of the whichever.
Kim: Why she got straight hair?
Sequoia: ‘Cause her… in… she… when they…
Kim: Why she got straight hair?
Sequoia: She does it like that. It's the style.
Kim: Oh, it would be the style at the time. This is early 2000s.
Sequoia: Yeah, it's the style.
Kim: All right!
Sequoia: Hermione and Regulus shared a look, both having said that she was going to end up in their own house. The hat opened his mouth and shouted, “Ravenclaw!” The houses cheered. Many people lost money and both parents were thrilled. Better Ravenclaw than the house of their spouse. Hey, hey! Nudge, nudge.
Kim: Okay. Fine, whatever.
Sequoia: An old man smiled when he heard the news, a twinkle in his light blue eyes.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: He placed his hat upon his head and smiled as he started to leave for Hogwarts to collect his winnings from all the teachers and the proud parents, reminding himself, he would have to go to the Weasleys’ and the Potters’ to collect the rest.
Kim: What?!
Sequoia: The end.
Kim: What is Dumbledore doing there?!
Sequoia: I don't know.
Kim: Also why's everyone betting?
Sequoia: Everyone's betting.
Kim: On this weird shit. What?
Sequoia: [emphatically] I got that for you!
Kim: It was good.
Sequoia: I got it for you.
Kim: It was good. That was good.
Sequoia: You look so upset and I'm soooo happy.
Kim: That was good. That was a good story. I feel good about this.
Sequoia: For YOU!
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: Thanks.
Sequoia: Anyway.
Kim: I got zero points.
Sequoia: You got zero points. You should have, because you said, “Ron, Hermione something something,” and you said “Crookshanks something something something.”
Kim: I thought, yeah. I should have said that Crookshanks... well, no. I don't know. There's so few cats in Harry Potter that saying... that picking between the three cats…
Sequoia: No.
Kim: I feel like isn't quite going far enough.
Sequoia: I thought you were gonna do it though. I thought you were gonna say something Crookshanks something and then maybe you’d get a point.
Kim: I thought there were gonna be like hijinks.
Sequoia: Okay, y… yeah.
Kim: Like Ron, Hermione, Crookshanks hijinks.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: This was not hijinks.
Sequoia: No. I don't even... I'm not even entirely sure where or what I was searching when I got to this.
Kim: It was good though.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I guess.
Sequoia: Yeah. Crookshanks. The best part of the whole story is when he's like, blah blah blah I love you, and then she's like, I love you, too, and you're like, why? For what reason?
Kim: Literally why?
Sequoia: He's not even super attractive.
Kim: That would make it better if he was hot, Sequoia?
Sequoia: Maybe. Maybe.
Kim: Now it's time for everyone's favorite segment…
Both: [hesitant singing] Sum-MARIES!
Sequoia: It's the best segment on the podcast, and by best I mean, why the fuck are we still doing this?
Kim: It’s... they’re all so bad. None of them are funny.
Sequoia: None of them are.... Okay. It was funny the first time because we started doing it because that one was funny and then we were like, they're all funny, aren’t they? Like a bunch of idiots. Okay, here's the summary. Here’s the summary for this fuckin’ fanfiction. Years living alone as a cat. His love for one will convince him to enter the world once again to get a life he had never known. There you go.
Kim: I would have read that, if I came across that.
Sequoia: Yeah, oh yeah.
Kim: It sounds great.
Sequoia: It starts out with, Years living alone as a cat.
Kim: Definitely. Like, no he never lived alone.
Sequoia: No, he didn't. I mean, alone, not like ALONE.
Kim: Oh. Like, gross!
Sequoia: [drawling] Aloneeee.
Kim: Don’t make that face at me. Cool.
Sequoia: Okay, great.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: I have a recommendation.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: So I'm recommending...
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: ...a story that was submitted to us through our story submission form!
Kim: Nice! Do that good thing.
Sequoia: Pew pew pew! Um…
Kim: What did we get?
Sequoia: It's called… Okay, so this was one of those ones where like, you know, when you read something and you're really torn on whether you should read it or rec it?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: I was very torn about this.
Kim: Good.
Sequoia: But then I just... there's some, like, really fun like writing moments in here.
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia: That I really enjoyed and I thought that it deserved to be recommended. It ends weird, but it's good.
Kim: Okay?
Sequoia: I loved it and the premise is really interesting and weird and creative. So, it is called Revenge of the Tiny Snapes.
Kim: That’s a great title.
Sequoia: Yeah, and it's really fun. It's not like romancey or blah, blah, blah. It's just, like, a fun…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: ...story.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That sounds awesome.
Sequoia: So link to that will be in the description. Thank you so much to whomever sent this in!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: We appreciate it.
Kim: We love getting submissions. They're so great. They've all been so fun.
Sequoia: If you're reading our recommendations or if you want to talk to us about anything at all, any… anything. Anything. You can find us on social media @FanaticalFics. That's Twitter, Facebook, Instagram. Yeah. Tweet at us if you're from BC. Thanks!
Kim: St… stop encouraging her. No one is...
Sequoia: Please continue to encourage me!
Kim: No one from British Columbia tweet at her.
Sequoia: But do. It. Do it though, anyway.
Kim: Oh my gosh. If you have any longer thoughts to send to us, we have an email as well. That's fanaticalfics@gmail.com. Maybe you've written a fanfiction and you want to tell us about that or something. I don’t know.
Sequoia: Please do that! That would be fun!
Kim: I don't know.
Sequoia: I don't know.
Kim: I don't know, whatever.
Sequoia: If you've written something, or you read a lot of fanfiction, or for whatever reason you would like us to read a particular fanfiction, we have a story submission form.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: That link is in the description of every episode. You can direct them at us, you can say, Kim should read this, Sequoia should read this. Both of them should read this!
Kim: Yep. Every person needs to read this!
Sequoia: Yes!
Kim: You got something like that, maybe just tweet at us.
Sequoia: Yeah, that’d be good too.
Kim: Yeah. Also linked in the episode description there's a form to order stickers.
Sequoia: Yes!
Kim: We send those out to our patrons, but if you want one too… they’re pretty fun.
Sequoia: Yeah, we've got a lot and we'd love to send you some.
Kim: One or more.
Sequoia: More. All. Twelve. Anyway, yeah, we've got some good ones. My favorite is still, “Forgive me canon, for I have shipped.”
Kim: That's a good sticker.
Sequoia: That’s a good sticker. So yeah, you can order those there and then we do have a couple of leftover…
Kim: T-shirts.
Sequoia: ...t-shirts.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: And for those ones you just like, send us a direct message of some kind, email us.
Kim: Yeah, if you like listening to this podcast, there are some things you can do to support it?
Sequoia: Oh, Jesus Christ.
Kim: I've been told to say.
Sequoia: Okay, great. Uh huh. You can leave us a review on iTunes or Facebook. We’ll shout out to you...
Kim: We’ll shout to you at the top of the episode.
Sequoia: Don’t. Don't.
Kim: We'll edit them into these ones that we're banking.
Sequoia: Yeah, we'll get to... we'll do it at... at some point. But please leave us a review. They're very helpful, and we would love to have more.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: If you would like to... if you like to listen to this podcast, you think you got friends…
Kim: I don't know what that's like.
Sequoia: You got any friends? Some, maybe, any friends? Just send them the podcast.
Kim: Jesus. What is happening?
Sequoia: And we also have Patreon... have a Patreon page. That is linked in the episode description of every episode.
Kim: We have bonus written content, bonus audio content over there, so click on over and check that out.
Sequoia: [sung like a radio jingle] Check it out. Check it out.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Fine. I don't know why I did that. Um, that's, that's it.
Kim: I think I'm still uncomfortable.
Sequoia: I am soooo... I did it! Guys, I did it. Tweet at us your congratulations to me...
Kim: God damn.
Sequoia: ...for making Kim so uncomfortable. I did it! And of course, thank you to the Whomping Willows for letting us use our amazing theme song, Wolfstar.
Kim: Bye!
Sequoia: Bye!