Episode 117: Possibilities of Change
Recommendation: Cherry Pie
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/2373028/1/Cherry-Pie
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Abbey
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original works contained in this transcript, you can find them here!
Kim: I had a nightmare the other night that there was a sequel to Cursed Child that was a Christmas musical.
Sequoia: Oh my god! Why the fuck would you breathe that out into the world?
Kim: It's been haunting me. [Sequoia laughs]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim.
Sequoia: This is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: A Harry Potter fanfiction podcast.
Sequoia: Welcome to the podcast, everybody. We've been doing this podcast for a long time.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: We have accumulated some really just amazing, incredible listeners over that time…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …many of whom have come to support us over on Patreon.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: In fact, so many that… [both laugh]
Kim: I wasn't sure which part… I thought you skipped ahead.
Sequoia: I was doing a segue.
Kim: I was… yeah. [both laugh] I wasn’t sure where you were going in our outline. I was afraid you'd skipped ahead.
Sequoia: I know, I was… there was a… [sighs]
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Well, I guess we'll just say it now.
Kim: Well, that’s just fucking took all the wind out of the sails.
Sequoia: [laughs] Do you want to say it? Why don’t you say it?
Kim: We have… we hit… we hit a… we set a goal on Patreon.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Once we got to four hundred patrons, we were going to do a fun livestream extravaganza.
Sequoia: Yes!
Kim: So we did that. We're going to do that.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: It's going to happen in January.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: And so we need your submissions.
Sequoia: Yeah, so this livestream is going to be for everybody. It is going to be available for you, any listener who wants to, to come be a part of. So what we need from you to make this happen is two things. Well, three things.
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: First, we would like some Q&A questions. We're going to do a Q&A portion of this livestream.
Kim: You’ve got a question for us?
Both: Send it in.
Sequoia: They will be… the questions are going to be curated by someone at some point. [both laugh] Not all questions will make it in, but do… do send in those questions, one.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Two, trivia questions relating to the canon of the Harry Potter book series.
Kim: Or.
Sequoia: Three.
Kim: The canon of the podcast.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: So we're going to… we're going to have two trivia categories, Harry Potter, and then ourselves. [both laugh] So if you can think up some fun trivia questions that you'd like to see us attempt to answer, send those in.
Sequoia: Anyway, there is a Google form for those.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: It's in the description of this episode.
Kim: It'll be on the soc meds as well.
Sequoia: From the soc meds. It's everywhere.
Kim: The submissions for those, we're going to close those on January fourteenth, so we have time to get them together before the livestream extravaganzaaaa.
Sequoia: [sings a note, vibrato] I'm very excited.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Also, in the same vein of we have these fabulous, incredible listeners.
Kim: We've been doing this for a long time.
Sequoia: Yes. We've been doing this…
Kim: Do you see where I got confused?
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Because the two things you said to segue into that…
Sequoia: Ohhh!
Kim: …also would have introduced this next thing that we wanted to touch on.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: We got an email.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: From someone we shouted out a million years ago when we used to shout out reviewers. [both laugh] Can you believe we did that?
Sequoia: Holy shit.
Kim: That was such a thing we did.
Sequoia: Whoo.
Kim: Anyway, we wanted to highlight this excellent email we got from Nooooo not noooww, a reviewer who mentioned back in the day that they were in college and too young to have existed when the Harry Potter books came out, right, that was the deal?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: And then, we had a little bit of a, oh god, we're so old existential crisis.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Well, Nooooo not noooww has graduated. Congratulations.
Sequoia: Congratulations!
Kim: From college.
Sequoia: Yay, that's so awesome! We're so happy that you graduated from college. And we are going to take this moment to have another crisis about how old we are.
Kim: I'm already doing it. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh. Well, are you ready to do some fanfiction?
Kim: You texted me that you have something buck wild.
Sequoia: I also mentioned earlier, and I've mentioned this on an episode before…
Kim: Oh, yeah.
Sequoia: …that this was the first fanfiction I read to try to start preparing for the podcast. [laughs]
Kim: It just does not sound like a real thing. I usually have to click through so much stuff.
Sequoia: It happens to me frequently. [laughs]
Kim: This isn't just the first thing you clicked on in the submission form.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: This is the first thing you clicked on ff.net.
Sequoia: Yeah, I went off on my own on this one, yeah. I was like, oh, look, there it is. Thank you. [both laugh] And then I did have to go check the story submission form because now every time I roll across something, and I'm like, this is incredible, and like someone has to have found this before and sent it to us.
Kim: I check… I check everything now. Even things that came to me, I check them in the main list to see…
Sequoia: Right, if they've come in multiple times.
Kim: Because someone [Sequoia laughs] has done something to us. [laughs]
Sequoia: One of our unofficial cohosts has done something to us. Yeah! So I'm going to read you a fanfiction today.
Kim: Good!
Sequoia: I did go off and find this all on my own.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Very excited about it. And now we're going to do some predictions. Kim's going to make predictions. You, listeners, should also make some predictions. You can tweet them at us #FanficDivination. You can answer our story on Instagram. You can email them to us. Somebody did write a song, a little jingle of their predictions, and sent it to us!
Kim: Hell, yeah.
Sequoia: So do that. I want more of that!
Kim: That’s fun!
Sequoia: Here are your three clues. Clue number one, the title. Possibilities of Change.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: I'm sorry, that's nothing. Clue number two, the genre.
Kim: [mumbling] Romance and humor.
Sequoia: Adventure and romance.
Kim: Oh. Ohhhh! Nice.
Sequoia: Clue number three, this fanfiction came out post Half Blood Prince.
Kim: Hmmm. You know what we haven't done in a while? We haven't had Drarry in a while. This is a Drarry.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: There's going to be a heretofore unseen in canon prophecy.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: Draco is going to be in hiding in this because he's turned good.
Sequoia: Okay, cool. Excellent. Great predictions.
Kim: There we go. That was a lot of struggle that I'm really glad is all gone.
Sequoia: [laughs] There was so much struggling.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Listeners, you won’t know because of the editing magic, but oh, wow. [laughs]
Kim: Wow! Took an unusually long time.
Sequoia: All right. You ready for this?
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Possibilities of Change. Okay, well, first off, two things.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: First, this has, like, chapters, but it also has subheadings within the chapters.
Kim: Good start.
Sequoia: One. Two…
Kim: I love when a story is broken down so that like each paragraph is its own little thing. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Exactly. Secondly, I did have to cut this pretty significantly. Just for context, the events of the story take place directly after Goblet of Fire.
Kim: What?!
Sequoia: [laughs] So there you go!
Kim: Oh. Yeah.
Sequoia: And… [laughs]
Kim: Cool. I do love the fandom’s tendency to be, not only the epilogue, what epilogue, kind of stories.
Sequoia: Right, right.
Kim: I love the Order of the Phoenix, what Order of the Phoenix, stories.
Sequoia: [laughs] Exactly. This is that. Oh my gosh. Okay. We're going to start off with the prologue. [laughs] Sorry. [laughs again]
Kim: That was my mistake.
Sequoia: I saw you taking a drink. Taking a drink, like…
Kim: I don't know why I was taking a drink while you were starting reading something. Prologue. Good Lord.
Sequoia: The prologue. Harry, Hermione and Ron were sitting in the Gryffindor tower a few days before summer break.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Harry stared out the window, head in his hands. It was a beautiful day. Everyone else was outside, but the trio were feeling sad about the events of the year.
Kim: Cedric dying?
Sequoia: Yeah, Voldemort coming back.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: That whole thing is like…
Kim: It's kind of a major bummer.
Sequoia: …kind of a drag, honestly.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: It's a beautiful day, but it's a hard life.
Kim: Cedric did die.
Sequoia: Cedric did, in fact, die. [laughs]
Kim: Uh oh.
Sequoia: No, he did.
Kim: Okay. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Cedric’s dead? Okay. “How about we make a pact?” Ron blurted out suddenly.
Kim: A pact?
Sequoia: “A pact, to stay beside each other…”
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia: “…no matter what. A pact to stop Lord V… V…”
Kim: You can do it, Ron!
Sequoia: “…Voldemort.” [both laugh]
Kim: Okay. I was a little worried, when you said pact, that it was going to be some like wild stuff. [both laugh]
Sequoia: You're assuming that it's not going to be some wild stuff.
Kim: That was pretty normal.
Sequoia: Yeah, I mean… okay, never mind. We'll get there. “To train and to be there for each other to the end."
Kim: Okay. All right. We're still going.
Sequoia: Harry and Hermione…
Kim: I expected that to be the end. Oh, no, he's done now. Okay.
Sequoia: He's done now. He wanted to make it clear that the pact was specifically to train and to be there for each other to the end…
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: …of the Voldemort experience, I assume.
Kim: Sure. To meld into one being. Hearts and minds as one.
Sequoia: Uh huh. [Kim laughs] Mhm. Harry and Hermione stared at him in surprise. Then they smiled. “I like the idea a lot,” Harry said.
Kim: Let's seal it with blood.
Sequoia: “I've got a suggestion.”
Kim: No.
Sequoia: “I know there's a…”
Kim: No.
Sequoia: “…real ritual where you bind your magic to each other’s.”
Kim: No, no, no, no no!
Sequoia: What?
Kim: [shouting] I was joking! I was saying a dumb thing that would never happen!
Sequoia: Nope. Here we are. Harry knows. For a reason.
Kim: Harry doesn’t know anything!
Sequoia: He knows about it.
Kim: Harry has never even once known a thing!
Sequoia: Through the experience of being…
Kim: Hermione telling him.
Sequoia: …alive in the wizarding world for some time.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: He has learned about this ritual.
Kim: Is it an unbreakable…
Sequoia: Where you just combined… [laughs]
Kim: …oath? Why would you have to do… just say, like, yes, we're going to be friends forever. We'll be with you to the end of the line, buddy.
Sequoia: But it's not a real pact unless you bind your magic to each other’s.
Kim: Why do you need to do that? You're all friends!
Sequoia: Because it's a… it’s a wild world out there, buddy.
Kim: No!
Sequoia: [laughs] Who knows what's going to happen? Whoo! “It would not only enforce the pact, it would amplify our powers.”
Kim: Why do you need to… okay. I was going to say why do you need to enforce the pact, you're all friends here, but amplifying your powers. NOW I'm on board.
Sequoia: That’s a good… now we’re talking.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Now we're talking.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: If we're going to train…
Kim: Why is it going to do that?
Sequoia: …and fight Voldemort…
Kim: Who the fuck knows?
Sequoia: …we need amplified powers. [both laugh]
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: “It would amplify our powers by magnitudes.”
Kim: Why?
Sequoia: For… what do you mean?
Kim: The power of their friendship is going to… fine. Resonate through the pact magic.
Sequoia: Within each other.
Kim: Yeah, okay.
Sequoia: Yeah, and you know, they’re…
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: They need to leech off of Hermione’s magic a little bit in order to power themselves and… [both laugh] The other two grinned at him crazily. [both laugh] Wild eyes. Their eyes are just really big.
Kim: Like, yes! Blood pact! I’ll book it in!
Sequoia: Yes! Our powers combined. [both laugh at length]
Kim: Hey, children, this is nothing.
Sequoia: [laughing] Frothing at the mouth.
Kim: Children, what the fuck are you doing?
Sequoia: Our powers will be amplified by magnitudes. Unspecified magnitudes.
Kim: What are you talking about?
Sequoia: “We're in.” Now we're going to get another… we’re gonna get a subheading. The subheading is WHATWILLHAPPENNEXT?! [both laugh]
Kim: This is written like a fucking Quibbler article!
Sequoia: Woo! Woo! And it is, in the text, all caps and…
Kim: In bold?
Sequoia: …all one word.
Kim: Nooo!
Sequoia: There are no spaces between the words! I don’t… I'm sure that there was a copy paste error from whatever they were…
Kim: Not necessarily.
Sequoia: …writing into fanfiction.net.
Kim: [very fast] But will happen next?
Sequoia: [very fast] what will happen next?! [both laugh]
Kim: Love it. Love to see it.
Sequoia: Ah. The next day was spent in the library researching the ritual. Just after supper, Hermione hit the jackpot. So they… they were researching to find the ritual, I think.
Kim: Harry knew there was a ritual.
Sequoia: But they needed to find it.
Kim: They need the specific steps. Sure.
Sequoia: “Here it is. The Margium Potentialis Ritual.”
Kim: The what?
Sequoia: The Mar… Margium… Marjium?
Kim: Is there an author’s note saying why they use that word?
Sequoia: No, but I think it has to do with…
Kim: Is it Latin?
Sequoia: …magnitudes.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Margium Potentialis.
Kim: Sure
Sequoia: We're magnifying our potential.
Kim: Sure!
Sequoia: In some way.
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: The boys ran over to read over her shoulder. And now we are going to read the passage.
Kim: Also read over her shoulder?
Sequoia: Yes. Yes.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: The Margium Potentialis ritual is a very old bond between friends.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Its original purpose is lost to this day and age.
Kim: It sounds like the purpose is to magnify your potential through [Sequoia laughing] the bonds of friendship.
Sequoia: No, it's not.
Kim: Oh no!
Sequoia: Many speculate it was to hide oneself and one's friends from control via true names.
Kim: Oh, we're going into some weird territory. [Sequoia laughs] I'm SO excited. What?
Sequoia: So if you have your true name or whatever.
Kim: Right. Names have power.
Sequoia: Names have power.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So you can be controlled via that name.
Kim: Not in Harry Potter. But names have power sometimes.
Sequoia: Yeah, sure.
Kim: [laughs] And I love it when they do.
Sequoia: For this reason, participants must pick new names that will become irrevocably bound to oneself.
Kim: Are they picking their true names?
Sequoia: No, they’re picki… I think… I think they're…
Kim: They're going to pick new names and kind of warp the fabric of reality so people forget their true names.
Sequoia: Yeah, I think that their names will become…
Kim: And their new names are gonna be…
Sequoia: …their true name, but no one will know their true name, so they won't be able to…
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: …control them via it?
Kim: Okay, so the new names are going to be their true names?
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: I believe. [laughs]
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: I'm not a hundred percent sure how this magic works…
Kim: okay
Sequoia: …in the world…
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: …but I think it's that.
Kim: ‘Kay
Sequoia: The ones to be bonded cut their hands and simultaneously…
Kim: It is a blood ritual. What the fuck?
Sequoia: …plunge them into a bowl of water. [laughs]
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Of course it's a blood ritual. What else was it going to be?
Kim: I don't know. I thought they were just going to be like, let's make a pact to be friends forever, okay, here we are. We're friends forever!
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Why would… why would I expect this wild shit?! [Sequoia laughs] Just because you told me this was going to be wild? There are levels of wildness.
Sequoia: [laughs] That's true. They do, but I mean in this context, in order to…
Kim: All right. Sure.
Sequoia: …stay together and training to beat Lord Voldemort, they have to mix their blood together in a bowl.
Kim: All right, well, I've got a bowl of water here. I've got a new name picked.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: I'm going to be… wait. I probably shouldn't say. I want to be Scruffy Gizzard Lips. [Sequoia laughs] Now cut your hand.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: What's the next step? Read me the next step.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Do you have a name? Do you have to have a name?
Sequoia: Oh, my name is… um… Francine Waternose. [both laugh]
Kim: All right. [both laugh] I'm cutting my hand.
Sequoia: All right, here we go. Okay, we've cut our hands. We've plunged them into the bowl of water. Then chant three times in unison, “We are bound together by friendship of the heart. Let this be noted by magick. With a K. CK. I think it's important to note… okay.
Kim: MagiCK.
Both: We are bound together by friendship of the heart. Let this be…
Sequoia: Let this accord…
Kim: Let this accord…
Both: …be noted by Magick.
Kim: And then we say it two more times.
Sequoia: And then we say it two more times. Yeah. But then we state our new names.
Kim: Scruffy Gizzard Lips.
Sequoia: Francine Waternose. [laughing] Is that what I said? Now I can’t remember!
Kim: That is what you said, probably. I don't remember what I said either, it's fine!
Sequoia: Okay, great. Now we're done.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: That was it.
Kim: Nice work.
Sequoia: Good job.
Both: Our powers are amplifying.
Sequoia: By magnitudes. [laughs] Whoo! [both laugh] Why is my brain like this?
Kim: Did you expect that we were going to do the ritual?
Sequoia: [still laughing] No, I didn’t.
Kim: That’s your mistake.
Sequoia: Dammit! Whoo! Okay. Usual side effects are an increase in power and an awareness of the other bonded.
Kim: Oh, wait, I didn't want that.
Sequoia: Wait, no. [both laugh] I take it back! Magick, with a K, I take it back.
Kim: I said it with a C, I didn't say it with a K!
Sequoia: Unusual side effects include an awakening…
Kim: [laughing] Unusual side…
Sequoia: …of dormant powers. Such as an animagus…
Kim: No! No!
Sequoia: …metamorphmagus and parseltongue…
Kim: What?
Sequoia: …and a sharing of these rarer powers.
Kim: Ohhhhh.
Sequoia: I know that was a lot. That whole… that was just a paragraph.
Kim: Yeah, that was…
Sequoia: And a lot happened. But actually nothing happened, ‘cause they were just reading that out of a book. They haven't done anything yet.
Kim: Oh, they haven't done it yet. Right. Right, right, right, right, right. We did it.
Sequoia: We did it. [both laugh] That was just us.
Kim: Luckily neither of us has latent powers. Yet.
Sequoia: I mean, you've got to give it a minute. You got to let the magiCK stew a little bit on that one.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: “Wow, that's some spell!” Harry whistled.
Kim: Yeah, honestly, that seems a little overpowered maybe.
Sequoia: Especially because it's so easy.
Kim: Yeah. Well…
Sequoia: Why don’t people just do it?
Kim: The bonds of friendship are not to be taken lightly.
Sequoia: Yeah, but kids are stupid. [both laugh]
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: “I like it though.” “Yes, it's perfect. But we should decide on our names first,” Hermione wisely pointed out. Yeah, I think if you were like mid…
Kim: [laughing] Ritual.
Sequoia: Ritual.
Kim: And were like fuck! My name’s…
Both: …Francine Waternose. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Okay, yep. “How about I let you two pick out something that'll match my personality and I'll tell you if I like it or not?” Ron grumbled.
Kim: Ron not wanting to do any homework.
Sequoia: Yeah, he's like, oh, fuck, we gotta pick a whole new name? Hermione, will you just pick it for me?
Kim: [whiny voice] Hermione, will do you do it for me? [both laugh] I'm excited to find out what their new names are. I bet they're disastrous.
Sequoia: “Okay, Ron, you need something…" "Fiery,” Harry offered.
Kim: Oh, Harry.
Sequoia: I don't know why. Is it because he has red hair?
Kim: It is.
Sequoia: But it is only because he has red hair.
Kim: It is.
Sequoia: Whoof. “Yes, hmm.” Okay, and now I am about to say three suggested names.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And they all do have in their like original… what the words mean or whatever. They all are fire related, but they sound hilarious. Okay.
Kim: Okay! [both laugh]
Sequoia: “Fiery,” Harry offered. “Yes. Hmm. Brant? Aiden? Kegan?”
Kim: Whooooo.
Sequoia: They don't… it's… [sighs]
Kim: Those are all fire based names?
Sequoia: They're all fire based names.
Kim: You looked this up?
Sequoia: I did look it up to make sure we weren't like, blearrrgh! [both laugh] Because that was my immediate reaction.
Kim: Yeah, Aiden? More like… that… [laughs]
Sequoia: Just… just nowhere to go with that.
Kim: Anywhere that I go with making fun of any name is a bad place.
Sequoia: It is… it is a bad place. Yeah, I mean, I looked at them and I was like, LOL, those are not fiery names. And then I did look them up.
Kim: They are all fire names.
Sequoia: And they are all fire names.
Kim: Ah, I don't know that any of them screams Ron to me, other than maybe Brant.
Sequoia: [laughs] Brant. Brant! That's not the one he's going to pick. “I like Kegan.”
Kim: You know, that’s…
Sequoia: That's… that’s a fine name.
Kim: Keegan-Michael Key is a cool… cool… cool guy.
Sequoia: He's a cool guy, yeah. It is originally an Irish name, meaning small flame.
Kim: Oh. He picked a tiny one.
Sequoia: Small flame. A tiny one. [both laugh] “Harry, what should Mione be?” So now they’re… so now they're crowdsourcing. They're helping each other with the names.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: “Wise or wisdom,” Harry mused.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: “What about Kavi?” Hermione offered. “That way, it starts with a K too.” [Kim gasps] They're all going to pick K names. I'm just going to let you all sit with that. [Kim laughing] I just want you to live in that for a second.
Kim: Their names have to match.
Sequoia: Here's the thing though, is if, like, you were fourteen and you and all your friends were picking new names…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: They would all match…
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: …in some fashion. Obviously.
Sequoia: Obviously.
Kim: We do a Bridgerton thing.
Sequoia: Yeah! [both laugh] Kavi is an Indian… an Indian name, and it does mean wise poet.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: That's good too.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: “Nice, it matches you. Now, what about Harry?” Ron asked.
Kim: Kevin?
Sequoia: Kevin? [laughs] Oh, man, that was a little bit too close. [both laugh] I mean, it’s a K… they're all K names. “His meaning should be dark or night. He's always got a look of mystery, Harry.”
Kim: Bruce.
Sequoia: Bruce?
Kim: Like Bruce Wayne.
Sequoia: Bruce. Bruce Wayne, the Dark Knight. It doesn't start with a K.
Kim: Well. Can't all be winners.
Sequoia: Kruce. [both laugh] You can make it work [both laugh] [still laughing] Harry’s new name is going to be Kruce Wayne. [laughs] Oh my god. We're not even close into this story yet, okay?
Kim: It’s too good right off the bat!
Sequoia: Hermione raised her eyebrows. “Perhaps Keiran? That'll fit with the K scheme.” “It's great. I like it,” Harry smiled. He remembered one more thing. “Won't we need new last names?”
Kim: I was just about to ask that.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Harry. I mean, Keiran.
Sequoia: No, they just become like Cher. They just have one name.
Kim: Okay. That’s fine.
Sequoia: They do have to pick last names.
Kim: Oh, they do? Are they going to pick the same last name?
Sequoia: The trio fell into a pondering silence. “Why don't we decide in the morning?”
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: “It's late and we're tired. We can sleep on it,” Hermione suggested.
Kim: Yeah, I mean, if it's going to be your new name, you should probably sleep on the whole thing.
Sequoia: Right. Before you do the ritual…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …you should probably sit with that for a minute.
Kim: You lock it in for time immemorial in space and magic.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: Maybe sleep on it, good idea.
Sequoia: Another subheading, FATEISACURIOUSTHING. [both laugh] The subheadings are just really powerful. I can't… I can’t… I can’t get over them, honestly.
Kim: Story is written like a Quibbler article!
Sequoia: It's good. [laughs]
Kim: Very good.
Sequoia: The next morning found the trio at breakfast, everything packed, shrunk, and placed in their pockets.
Kim: Why?
Sequoia: I don't know.
Kim: What's packed? Ev…
Sequoia: All their stuff. Is packed and shrunk and put in their pockets.
Kim: Why?
Sequoia: We'll have to discuss this later.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Because I think that this is just like a plot device.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Like, this is just… they needed to have their stuff on them.
Kim: Oh. Honestly, why wouldn't you if you could?
Sequoia: Yeah. Honestly, instead of having like a huge trunk.
Kim: Lug around these huge trunks all the time…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: …and it's a pain in the ass. And they make the house elves or whatever carry them up to the castle…
Sequoia: Yeah. [both laugh]
Kim: …from the train and then down to the train from the castle. This makes more sense.
Sequoia: Yeah, they have all their stuff packed, shrunk. It's on them.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: They all expected a rather peaceful and happy morning.
Kim: Why would you ever expect that?
Sequoia: Little did they know… [both laugh]
Kim: Whoever the, like, author is for this, you know, like, it feels like the author's almost a character.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: They're being so MUCH.
Sequoia: They're being incredible.
Kim: With the subheadings and stuff.
Sequoia: It's so good.
Kim: Like it.
Sequoia: Little did they know how wrong that assumption was.
Kim: Dun, dun, dun.
Sequoia: Suddenly, the Great Hall doors flew wide open with a bang.
Kim: ‘Kay
Sequoia: In strode the Minister of Magic, flanked by four aurors.
Kim: Huh. Okay.
Sequoia: They walked right up to the Gryffindor door table to where the trio was eating. “May we speak with you outside a moment, Mr. Potter? This is a matter of utmost urgency,” the Minister asked.
Kim: Hmm. I feel like they wouldn't want to make much of a show of arresting Harry.
Sequoia: Right. Like, this seems…
Kim: This is a little excessive. You’d want to do this after he was out of sight because… I don’t know.
Sequoia: Yeah, like maybe you meet him when he gets off the train.
Kim: Arresting him like this… I guess this could work towards destroying his credibility if he's being accused of Cedric's murder or whatever.
Sequoia: That's true. This administration was a lot about perception rather than reality.
Kim: Mhm. Yeah. So maybe this isn't such a bad move.
Sequoia: Yeah. Harry glanced at his friends. “May my friends come with me? I keep no secrets from them.”
Kim: No, we're fucking arresting you.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah! Here's the thing. “Yes, yes.” What?
Kim: [laughs] Fine.
Sequoia: You're like, oh, god, fine. Your friends can come with you.
Kim: We'll just arrest them too.
Sequoia: Let’s arrest all of you. As long as we're here. Fudge led the way outside, Harry following, Ron and Hermione trailing close behind. “Well, what is it, Minister?” Ron asked as they walked down to the forest. Ron, don't talk. This is not a… you're just here to listen. You're just here to…
Kim: What is happening?
Sequoia: They stopped at the edge of the forest.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: The Minister turned to face them with a serious expression on his face. "I have good reason to believe you three, especially you, Mr. Potter, are the ones behind Mr. Diggory’s death and Mr. Crouch’s disappearance. While we cannot bring to court more than circumstantial evidence, it is not safe to have three murderers running around the wizarding world.”
Kim: See, this is actually… I'm surprised they didn't do this in the books.
Sequoia: Discipline them in some way or…?
Kim: No, accuse Harry of Cedric's murder!
Sequoia: Oh, yeah. Nobody did.
Kim: It's weird that they didn't.
Sequoia: It's weird that they were like, what you said didn't happen, but we also are not going to…
Kim: Say what happened.
Sequoia: …say what happened or arrest you for murder.
Kim: You disappeared with him.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Came back with him dead. Either Harry killed him or what Harry said was true.
Sequoia: Yeah. I mean, in the wizarding world, though, if you take somebody's wand, you can see what…
Kim: That's true.
Sequoia: …spells they did.
Kim: He just… he strangled him.
Sequoia: But it's clear what happened to him.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Like he says, they don't have evidence.
Kim: Yeah, they don't.
Sequoia: So…
Kim: So they're going to do what the Ministry always does and just throw them in Azkaban ‘cause they CAN. They didn't have evidence for Hagrid.
Sequoia: That's true.
Kim: Well, they did have the entire blown up street for Sirius, but you know. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah. I mean, that's not what they're going to do.
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: “You are hereby banished to the muggle world.” [Kim splutters] Sorry, what? What?
Kim: Banished.
Sequoia: They're banished! From the wizarding whatever.
Kim: Are they going to take their wands? What does this mean?
Sequoia: “Now, where are your things?”
Kim: What things?
Sequoia: “Back up at the castle, sir,” [both laugh] Harry spat, livid at the nerve of this man. Dumbledore would straighten this out.
Kim: That's a reasonable assumption.
Sequoia: That is… that’s what always happens.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Harry's in trouble, Dumbledore’ll figure something out.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: It's fine.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: “Very good. Much easier on us, then. Now, here is a portkey to downtown London.” They're just going to fucking… they're like, you're not allowed to take your… any of your stuff. We're going to portkey you to the… to the middle of London…
Kim: You three fourteen and fifteen year olds.
Sequoia: …and fucking abandon you. [laughs] Yeah!
Kim: You're banished from the wizarding world…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: …into the middle of London. You can't go home.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Hermione’s family are muggles.
Sequoia: Is muggles. Yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Nope. We're banishing you to dead center London without any of your stuff.
Kim: But we're not taking your wands. They're not taking their wands, are they?
Sequoia: No, because I assume they think that the wands are part of their stuff. They just want to know if they have any stuff. [laughs] Where any of their stuff is, and Harry said it was all back up at the castle. So… why would they be carrying their wands with them? [both laugh]
Kim: My god. Okay.
Sequoia: “Dumbledore insisted you be given a fighting chance.”
Kim: A fighting chance?!
Sequoia: “So we used this wad of muggle money as the portkey.”
Kim: Are you sending them… sorry, what? [Sequoia laughs] No, pause that, we’ll circle back.
Sequoia: Okay, we’ll go back. Okay, what were you gonna say?
Kim: Are they sending them to the center of London or the center of a pack of wild dogs? [Sequoia laughs] Giving a fighting chance.
Sequoia: You want a fighting chance?
Kim: [laughing] Wad of muggle money.
Sequoia: And I imagine it's like if you pulled just some bills that were stuffed in your pocket unceremoniously.
Kim: Just like a… a… a…
Both: …wad of cash.
Sequoia: And they're like, this is your portkey.
Kim: Don't lose any of it. [both laugh]
Sequoia: This is… this is all you get. This is your fighting chance. A wad of muggle money.
Kim: This is wild.
Sequoia: “Be warned. If you ever come back, you will be killed on sight.”
Kim: Back! Back is weird! Wizarding… The wizarding world is integrated into muggle society, you can’t…
Sequoia: Yeah, so like where…
Kim: …actually banish them!
Sequoia: You would have like… you would have to like say…
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: …what specific areas are off limits to them. But, no, if they ever come back to the wizarding world…
Kim: Which is everywhere.
Sequoia: Which is just like a concept. [both laugh] Then they will be killed on sight.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: What if they just are walking down the street and see another wizard?
Kim: Killed on sight.
Sequoia: Killed on sight. “Goodbye now.” The Minister shoved the three so they touched the portkey, and he activated it. It would be the last the wizarding world saw of them for years. And now we get another…
Kim: So Dumbledore wasn't able to fix it.
Sequoia: No, Dumbledore tried to fix it, the Ministry was like, no, and he was like, well, at least give ‘em some cash. [laughs] Some cash.
Kim: Okay. Leaving the wizarding world without Harry at the end of book four is an interesting change.
Sequoia: Yeah. For several years.
Kim: Mhm. Please continue. I like this premise even though I've been poking holes in it. I still like it.
Sequoia: [laughs] Subheading.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: ANDFATEISFICKLEVERYFICKLE. [both laugh] Very fickle. [both laugh]
Kim: Argh! I feel the author's a character, right?
Sequoia: Right? Author's incredible. The trio landed behind a dumpster in an alley in the middle of London. They stood there in shock for a minute, before Hermione broke the silence. “We're not going to be able to get out of this. Dumbledore sanctioned it. We've got each other. Now, we can't go and stay with anyone we know.”
Kim: Because you’ll be killed on sight. [laughs]
Sequoia: ‘Cause… no. "It's too easy a target for Death Eaters." Because they still have to worry about fucking Voldemort and the fucking Death Eaters! [both laugh]
Kim: And Dumbledore was like, yeah, it's fine. Send them away. And I'm not going to do anything to help them.
Sequoia: [laughs] How am I supposed to leave the wizarding world behind when the wizarding world is literally trying to find me and kill me? [both laugh] “We can always duplicate the money. No problems there. Good thing…”
Kim: Hmm. Except all the laws you're breaking.
Sequoia: Right. "Good thing the stupid Minister thought our wands and stuff were in the castle. I'd suggest the name changes be the first priority."
Kim: Yeah. Okay. So I was about to say, like, obviously, they're going to go up there and find their wands not there and then come after them. But if they change their names, it is going to make them… I would assume that will invalidate the child tracking magic and stuff.
Sequoia: Right, so anything that's tagged to them…
Kim: Is going to not work.
Sequoia: …is going to not work.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: So they won't be able to find them now.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: Get that ritual done right now.
Sequoia: Got to do the ritual.
Kim: Kegan.
Sequoia: Kegan, Keiran, Kavi.
Kim: Okay, Kegan, Keiran, and Kavi are our heroes now. [both laugh]
Sequoia: “I'd suggest that name change be first priority. Then we can go rent an apartment or something,” Harry thought out loud. They're just ready to, I don't know, catapult themselves into adulthood. They’re like, if we change our names, no one will notice that we're fourteen [laughs] and trying to rent an apartment in London. [both laugh]
Kim: I don't know how well that’s going to work. Maybe if they unlock some latent metamorphmagus abilitieees?
Sequoia: Mmmmmm! Maybe they will. “You know the last name thing?” Ron spoke up.
Kim: Yesss.
Sequoia: “I think we should all have the same one.”
KIm: YESSS.
Sequoia: “For safety.”
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: “We can pass off as siblings or cousins.”
Kim: I don't know how well that's going to work, but do that.
Sequoia: “And I think Grey…”
Kim: We were all adopted.
Sequoia: “…would be an appropriate name.” We're all adopted! [laughs]
Kim: We're siblings.
Sequoia: We're siblings. We're twenty five. [both laugh]
Kim: [laughs] Did you say Grey?
Sequoia: Grey.
Kim: Okay. That’s fine.
Sequoia: “It fits.”
Kim: It does?
Sequoia: “We're in a grey zone. We don't know what to do.”
Kim: Well, you won't always be, hopefully. Never mind.
Sequoia: Well, it'll remind them. It'll be a reminder of the time they were in the grey zone.
Kim: Why would you want to… okay.
Sequoia: Once they've escaped the grey zone.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Hermione smiled weakly. The magic swirled about them when they said the words. Then it was done.
Kim: Oh, did they do the hand…?
Sequoia: They did it. They did it.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: It's fine.
Kim: Okay,
Sequoia: They did it, and then it was done.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: They were bonded for life. The next thing they did was find a safe place. The Greys managed to rent an apartment off a side street that didn't look too shady. Then they made a plan. I assume this all happened in a matter of hours.
Kim: Yeah. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Just found an apartment.
Kim: These fifteen year olds rented an apartment. No big deal.
Sequoia: No big deal, it's fine.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: “We're half educated in magic and have barely any education in the muggle schools.”
Kim: Yes. [laughs]
Sequoia: “Our best bet is to use magic that the Ministry cannot trace.”
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Kavi analyzed the situation. That's Hermione.
Kim: Oh, they're going be going by those names now. Great.
Sequoia: They are going to be going by their names now.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Kavi is Hermione. I'll remind you…
Kim: You don’t need to.
Sequoia: …a couple of times at the beginning.
Kim: I got it. I'm there. I'm on board. Why not?
Sequoia: Well, we do have listeners also. [laughs]
Kim: Who? I forgot we were doing a podcast. I'm very into this story.
Sequoia: [chuckles] I know. “Meaning wandless magic and potions,” responded Keiran. Harry.
Kim: Huh? Well, yeah. But, huh?
Sequoia: Yeah, that's the ones that the Ministry can't trace.
Kim: The Ministry… the Ministry can trace wand magic.
Sequoia: Wand magic, but apparently not wandless magic.
Kim: I don't think that's true, but fine.
Sequoia: Sure. "First, I want to see what new abilities we have."
Kim: [laughs] It said that those were unlikely to appear.
Sequoia: Right. Yeah, this was… [laughs]
Kim: ‘Kay!
Sequoia: “Let's each try a wandless levitation spell.” He easily made their trunks rise. Kavi could do it as well, but Kegan had the easiest time.
Kim: Kegan's powerful now?
Sequoia: Kegan is powerful now.
Kim: Good for him.
Sequoia: “I guess I got wandless magic as my original power.” It's not original. Kegan shrugged.
Kim: What? Okay. No, that wasn't one of the powers listed, though.
Sequoia: It wasn't, but there… you know, there's an implied etc., I suppose.
Kim: All right. It wasn't there, but fine.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah. His power is wandless magic, which is just a thing that wizards can do, but…
Kim: Yeah, they can already do that.
Sequoia: [laughs] But his power is that he's just like really good at it.
Kim: Okay. Without practicing.
Sequoia: Without practicing.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Keiran looked at the two, considering something.
Kim: They can also speak parseltongue now, yeah?
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: They are going to switch between parseltongue and regular English for the rest of the story…
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: …as denoted in the text, but I am not going to denote it except for this one time because it doesn't really matter.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Okay. “Can you understand me?” he hissed. “Of course, we can, Keiran,” Kavi hissed back. “Why wouldn't we?” Kegan asked confusedly. They are all speaking parseltongue.
Kim: Right. How are they denoting it in the text, is it italicized?
Sequoia: It’s bold.
Kim: Bold? Okay. All right.
Sequoia: “You're speaking in parseltongue.” Kieran smiled wryly. “I guess you got that from me.”
Kim: Ha ha.
Sequoia: [laughs] “I have one more suspicion.” Kavi bit her lip thoughtfully. “Let me try something.” She shut her eyes, and in a few minutes, a beautiful python sat in her place.
Kim: She turned into a snake?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That seems…
Sequoia: She's an animagus python.
Kim: Okay. If I was going to pick for Hermione…
Sequoia: You wouldn't have picked python?
Kim: Would not have picked python.
Sequoia: Then Kavi was back to her normal self. “Now you try,” she said. Kegan managed to become a cobra. That’s Ron.
Kim: They all going to be snakes?
Sequoia: They are all going to be snakes.
Kim: Why?
Sequoia: And Keiran was a small basilisk. A small one.
Kim: A basilisk?!
Sequoia: A basilisk. A small one though. A small one.
Kim: Yeah, but it’s fucking dangerous. What?!
Sequoia: But he's a small one.
Kim: No! [Sequoia laughs] Why are they all snakes?!
Sequoia: They're all snakes because Harry’s a parseltongue.
Kim: But… what?
Sequoia: “I've known that I had the innate animagus ability for a while.”
Kim: You have?
Sequoia: “But this power boost shared it between us and let us actually become animagi.”
Kim: [shakily] Okay.
Sequoia: “I am assuming Keiran’s parsel abilities is what triggered our snake forms.”
Kim: Oh. [Sequioa laughs] [shakily] I don’t think that’s how that works.
Sequoia: [laughs] Also, what was your animagus form before?
Kim: Something else.
Sequoia: Wasn't a snake.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Snake now, though. Because their powers combined, snakes. [both laugh]
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: The boys thought this was very cool indeed.
Kim: Yeah, it is pretty darn cool.
Sequoia: “Now that we know how to use magic without being traced, it'll be easier. We can go in disguise to get books to teach ourselves other magic,” Keiran said thoughtfully. “I think we should specialize,” Kegan spoke up.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: “We can all learn the basics from each other. Then we can have areas where we do the best.”
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: This is their plan. They're going to diversify their magic skills to live. That's the end of the prologue. [both laugh]
Kim: Forgot we were in a prologue. Okay.
Sequoia: We were in the prologue. It's now time for chapter one. Five years later, the Greys are all in their twenties.
Kim: Okay. Does the chapter have a title? No title?
Sequoia: No, it doesn't. It's just chapter one.
Kim: Five years later.
Sequoia: Yeah. And it says the Greys are all in their twenties. So who knows what time is.
Kim: No, that's right. Hermione and Ron would have been fifteen at the end of their fourth year.
Sequoia: Harry would be nineteen.
Kim: Harry would be nineteen, yes.
Sequoia: In the middle of London, a brown haired girl could be seen making her way home to her apartment. In her arm, she carried a bag of groceries.
Kim: A bag of snakes. What? [both laugh]
Sequoia: She held herself upright and had a stony look on her face. The girl who styled herself Kavi Grey was extremely dangerous. She could kill you without a second thought.
Kim: Yikes!
Sequoia: Her… ooh, wait. Whoo! I almost forgot about this. Whoo! Okay. I'm going to start crying, sorry. [laughs]
Kim: What?
Sequoia: This story is good, I'd almost forgotten. Argh! Okay. [both laugh] She… [laughs] Okay, now I could do this. She could kill you without a second thought.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Her fiancés were even more dangerous. It’s… it’s…
Kim: It's… it’s the golden throuple.
Sequoia: It's the golden throuple. H’it’s… h’it’s…h’it’s…!
Kim: I was suspicious that was what this was earlier. I didn't say it, though.
Sequoia: That it was the golden throuple?
Kim: When they all were like, let's have the same… let's make a pact.
Sequoia: Let’s have a pact.
Both: Let’s have the same last name.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah. But we got there, y'all. The golden throuple.
Kim: I like the golden throuple a lot.
Sequoia: I like the golden throuple in this context. [laughs]
Kim: I like it all the time, and I don't think we've done it before on the pod. [laughs]
Sequoia: I don't think we ever done it before. Listen, there's always new stuff.
Kim: Woo!
Sequoia: They spent their time in Knockturn Alley. Together, they ran a shop…
Kim: That’s dangerous.
Sequoia: …where you could buy almost anything for the right price.
Kim: They run a store in the wizarding world? They… these kids…
Sequoia: Well, they changed their names.
Kim: So?
Sequoia: So… [laughs]
Kim: They're pretending they're from America or something? How are they…
Sequoia: Right. Because there's only ten wizards.
Kim: Right?!
Sequoia: Hmm. Yeah. It's very dangerous, but they didn't have anything else. Like, What else could they have done? They were like fourteen, fifteen years old.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Dropped in the middle of muggle London.
Kim: Go to high school.
Sequoia: Oh my god. Wait, no, somebody find that… wait. Nope, [laughs] No, that sounds very good. I'd like it now, please. Ooh. Keiran and Kegan felt…
Kim: Give up on the wizarding world. Fuck ‘em.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs] Yeah, I mean…
Kim: I guess they do still need to deal with Voldemort. So they need to stay kind of tapped in.
Sequoia: Do they?
Kim: Uh oh.
Sequoia: [laughs] Keiran and Kegan felt Kavi walk into the store. And then they speak… when they speak just to each other, it's in parseltongue.
Kim: Of course it is.
Sequoia: “Hello, my loves,” she said as she walked up behind them. “Have we gotten a new commission yet?” “Yes, Kavi. Borgin and Burkes wants another set of the rune inscribed cages. And the Dark Lord wishes for us to try to develop a permanent de-aging potion.”
Kim: Theyyyy joined forces with Voldemort?
Sequoia: [laughs] Listen, we gotta… [laughing] you’ve got to let me get a little further than this. Listen. Listen.
Kim: He wants a permanent de-aging potion?
Sequoia: He would like a permanent de-aging potion.
Kim: Oh, no big deal. Here, I got one.
Sequoia: Kegan said to Kavi.
Kim: Be right here.
Sequoia: [laughs] “I could do the cages,” Kavi said. “And I've got an inkling on how to do the potion,” Keiran noted.
Kim: You do? Harry, since when are you good at potions?!
Sequoia: Harry's good at potions. I did cut a bit where Harry talked about how he's good at potions even though… but he just couldn't do potions in front of Snape because Snape was so mean to him.
Kim: Well, yeah.
Sequoia: So…
Kim: I think that's probably the case for a lot of people.
Sequoia: That's probably… yeah. That seems like a universal truth. But, yeah, he is very good at potions and he even thinks that he can just like whip up a permanent de-aging potion for the Dark Lord just like real quick. [both laugh] They had long since decided money was money and it didn't matter who the things went to. That was why they didn't mind working for Lord Voldemort. Okay, listen, here's the thing. Our beloved golden throuple have been poisoned by capitalism. [both laugh]
Kim: Fuck! [both keep laughing]
Sequoia: Whooo! Whooo!
Kim: Here's the thing. The wizarding world is very corrupt.
Sequoia: Absolutely.
Kim: And, you know, maybe there is no reason to side with the side the forces of good if they've turned their backs on you so severely as they did in this story.
Sequoia: They… they just were like, okay, go die in the middle of muggle London, you little teenagers.
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: And they were like, all right, I guess, we'll go make a permanent de-aging potion for the Dark Lord!
Kim: But while the Ministry is corrupt…
Both: …Voldemort…
Kim: …a murdererous…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: …Dark Lord.
Sequoia: Yeah. It's fine.
Kim: There are levels here, people!
Sequoia: [laughs] And the Dark Lord had no clue who the Greys really were. To him, the Greys were merely talented people who ran a small shop.
Kim: [shakily] Uh huh.
Sequoia: Finished with dividing up the new commissions, they closed the shop for the evening. As they went home, Kegan snagged a copy of the Daily Prophet. Okay. Subheading.
Kim: No. Yes.
Sequoia: THEDAILYPROPHETALWAYSSPELLSTROUBLEFORSOMEONE. [laughs]
Kim: Okay. No. That solidifies it! Xenophilius Lovegood is writing this story. Period, the end. [Sequoia still laughing] This is… this is a article in the Quibbler. This is like a profile in the Quibbler about the Greys.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah.
Kim: Written retroactively.
Sequoia: He's like, I've got this conspiracy. So Harry, Ron and Hermione… [both laugh] This is very good. I love that.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Back in their apartment, they relaxed a while. “Guys, you might want to take a look at this,” Kegan hissed as one of his eyebrows rose. He showed them the paper: Harry Potter and Friends Innocent!
Kim: Huh.
Sequoia: Last night, the new Minister, Rufus Scrimgeour, declared Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, and Ronald Weasley to be innocent of all charges of murder.
Kim: They never charged… they didn’t…
Sequoia: They did not charge them.
Kim: They did not charge them.
Sequoia: They made a POINT about how they couldn't charge them!
Kim: They couldn't charge them. They didn't charge them. They just banished them.
Sequoia: [laughs] Five years ago, the three aforementioned people were banished from the wizarding world at the tender age of almost fifteen.
Kim: Some of them were fifteen, it's fine.
Sequoia: It's fine. Average. [Kim laughs] They were suspected of trying to cover up Cedric Diggory’s death by claiming that You Know Who had come back. This could not be proved until the raid last week on the Department of Mysteries in which You Know Who himself was seen. There is currently a major operation underway to try and locate The Boy Who Lived and his honest friends.
Kim: Huh.
Sequoia: The public can only hope that they forgive us for this great tragedy.
Kim: So without Harry around, Voldemort put off raiding the Department of Mysteries five years?
Sequoia: Yes. Because why would he need the prophecy?
Kim: He wouldn't. So why would he have done it now?
Sequoia: Perhaps there is a different thing in the Department of Mysteries in five years.
Kim: Maybe, I guess.
Sequoia: That he needs.
Kim: Well, he would still need the prophecy. Harry's banished, but not dead.
Sequoia: Yeah, but maybe it was just less pressing. It was less of a pressing issue. [both laugh]
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: He's like, listen, everything's going great. We haven't seen Harry Potter in five years. This nice man at this shop is making me a permanent de-aging potion. [both laugh]
Kim: They just stayed on the down low, didn't raise any attention to themselves.
Both: For five years.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Interesting. I guess if you can't deal with Harry, you probably don't reveal yourself.
Sequoia: Probably.
Kim: If you can't track down and you can't deal with Harry.
Sequoia: Then maybe it's risky?
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Perhaps. Yeah.
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: “That really is most interesting. Too bad they didn't believe us five years ago.” Keiran snorted.
Kim: Got ‘em. [chuckles] Fuck ‘em!
Sequoia: “Well, we're going to have to pick a side soon,” Kavi noted sadly.
Kim: That's true.
Sequoia: “Especially now that everyone's looking for you to be their savior again.”
Kim: Especially now that we're going to permanently de-age Voldemort. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, that's just like such bi… that's so big. That's so giant. That is so… [both laugh] “Damn Ministry, I hate them,” Kegan snarled. "They have no right to expect us to come back and save their sorry hides.”
Kim: They don't. That's true.
Sequoia: “Damn Dumbledore too.”
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: “He cooperated with them and sent us to what could easily have been our deaths.”
Kim: Yeah! that was wild!
Sequoia: Keiran growled.
Kim: That he did that.
Sequoia: I refuse to side with either one of those idiots.
Kim: Okay. You don't have to side with the Ministry and Dumbledore to side against Lord Voldemort.
Sequoia: True. However.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: “Should we join Lord Voldemort, then?” [both laugh] [singing] What is happening? What is going on?
Kim: I mean, they're already working for him.
Sequoia: Here's the thing.
Kim: It seems like they'd already made their choice.
Sequoia: Exactly. If you are going to create a permanent de-aging potion for the Dark Lord…
Kim: You're making things for Borgin and Burkes.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: They’re al… whatever cages you're making are going to be…
Sequoia: Are for Voldemort!
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Everything is for Voldemort that you're selling in Knockturn Alley.
Kim: Yes. Yes.
Sequoia: Like a hundred percent.
Kim: Yes. You've already sided with him. I don't know why you're… anyway. That's why they’re all snakes, because they're evil.
Sequoia: Right. Exactly. “My only objection is that he tried to kill Keiran.” [both laugh] Man, he did try to kill Harry that one time
Kim: And that other time.
Sequoia: And that other time.
Kim: And that third time.
Sequoia: And that time when he killed his parents. [both laugh]
Kim: Fuck.
Sequoia: “I don't think he actually meant to kill me.” [both laugh] I… I’m sorry, you were taking a drink again.
Kim: Why am I…
Sequoia: Why are you doing that? Why are you doing that?
Kim: My throat is so dry because I've been yelling so much.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: EXCUSE ME?!
Sequoia: I know.
Kim: Who said that?
Sequoia: Harry did.
Kim: All their names are the same.
Sequoia: He was like, ah, I don't think he actually meant to do that.
Kim: What the fuck are you talking about? Harry? I guess a Harry that doesn't know about the prophecy maybe wouldn't know that Voldemort needed him dead.
Sequoia: That's true.
Kim: Maybe.
Sequoia: Maybe.
Kim: What about that other time in fourth year, when he did try to kill you?
Sequoia: He didn't mean to. He didn’t mean to.
Kim: He literally said he was going to kill you.
Sequoia: He didn't mean to do it, though. Okay, but…
Kim: No, he… he said it with his snake mouth.
Sequoia: He didn’t [chuckles] mean to do it.
Kim: Yes, he did! [Sequoia laughs] They killed Cedric!
Sequoia: “We'll look into it, then.”
Kim: LOOK INTO IT?!
Sequoia: “Figuring out how to join the Death Eaters.”
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Kegan smiled. He leaned forward and kissed them both. “We’ll never be apart, my loves, never apart.”
Kim: They swore a pact that…
Both: …they were going to defeat Voldemort!
Sequoia: Like, yeah. Like, not two thousand words ago.
Kim: Where is Sirius, also?
Sequoia: Oh, yeah.
Kim: He's also a fugitive from the Ministry and alive at this point.
Sequoia: That’s true. Yeah, but if he saw them, he'd have to kill them on sight. [both laugh]
Kim: [getting very high pitched] No, he's already a fugitive. What is happening?! Argh!
Sequoia: Subheading,
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: CIRCUMSTANCESCHANGEANDENEMIESBECOMEFRIENDS. [both laugh] The next few days passed in relative silence. Then, on Saturday, Diagon Alley was raided. The Greys were visiting Flourish and Blott’s at the time, so they saw the whole thing happen.
Kim: Raided by whom?
Sequoia: I think it’s… I think they meant to say Knockturn Alley, and not Diagon Alley.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: But the Greys were in Diagon Alley.
Kim: And somewhere was raided by someone?
Sequoia: And Knockturn Alley was raided by aurors.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Death Eaters started disapparating. Soon, there was only one left and he seemed to have trouble getting away from everyone. The Greys covered their heads and slipped through the crowd to his side. Immediately, Kavi noted the anti-disapparation field that the unfortunate Death Eater had gotten caught in.
Kim: Unfortunate Death Eater. [laughs]
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Which Death Eater… is it fucking Draco?
Sequoia: It's no one.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: The boys started blasting dark hexes, efficiently clearing the area, while Kavi portkeyed the Death Eater into their shop. The boys followed not a minute later.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: “Would you like to use our floo, sir?" Kegan inquired.
Kim: What the fuck?
Sequoia: The man nodded. “Would you tell me your names? My Lord will be pleased to know of his supporters,” he whispered. “We are the Greys.” Keiran bowed to the man. The Death Eater inclined his head in thanks and stepped into the fire.
Kim: So there is like outright war going. The… the aurors raided…
Sequoia: Raided…
Kim: …Diagon Alley, which is…
Sequoia: And there were Death Eaters.
Kim: And there were Death…
Sequoia: And there was an exchange of…
Kim: A lot of Death Eaters.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yes.
Kim: I guess… I guess…
Sequoia: [laughs] Don't try to make it make sense! Stop!
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Stop doing that. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: “Sssshalassisen.”
Kim: Do you have to do that?
Sequoia: He carefully hissed, and [laughs] flooed away. [laughs] Kavi smiled at the address. “Huh, he said it in parseltongue. I wonder how long it took the Dark Lord to train them to say that correctly,” she commented. The boys just grinned as they sat back to wait for the word of the outcome. That's the end.
Kim: Yeah, of course it is.
Sequoia: Yep. They're waiting to see if they get accepted into the Death Eaters.
Kim: What the fuck?
Sequoia: [laughs] All right, here's what I brought to you today. There was a pact.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And a blood ritual.
Kim: A pact to defeat the Dark Lord.
Sequoia: And then they got banished into the muggle world, which changes everything, really.
Kim: I guess!
Sequoia: They changed their names. They're the golden throuple, they have a Knockturn Alley shop, and they want to be Death Eaters now. The end!
Kim: Woooo!
Sequoia: Did you like it?
Kim: I did. I don’t think we all… I don't think we've done heel turn Harry yet, either, on the pod.
Sequoia: No. There was so much.
Kim: This was a lot.
Sequoia: Anyway, all your predictions were wrong.
Kim: Oh. Yeah, bud. [Sequoia laughs] Yeah, bud.
Sequoia: Whoooo!
Kim: Wow, Possibilities of Change.
Sequoia: Possibilities of Change.
Kim: Those subheadings, very good.
Sequoia: Whoo! Whoohoohoo!
Kim: I liked those.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: All right. That was a really good find. Thank you for bringing that to us.
Sequoia: Yeah. You're ready for a segment?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Let's do a…
Both: [singing] …summary!
Sequoia: This is a summary of a story that a listener sent in to us back in the day when we were doing these for our one hundredth episode, and we still have a bunch of them and we're really grateful and we love them all. So here we go.
Listener: If there was one day of the year Severus hated even more than Valentine's Day, it was April Fool's Day. As if it wasn't bad enough having to suffer through years of Marauder pranking hijinks, now an unending parade of Weasleys kept up the tradition, filling his office with foam, sending him racy underwear in his classes, and pantsing him in the corridors. This year, though, he was determined to get revenge. That was why he stood in the early hours of April first, 1993, painting the walls of the corridor with blood to resemble the messages the Heir of Slytherin had been leaving all year. Four words on the wall in blood. “You're next, Weasley twins.” They were sure to poop themselves. A sudden noise behind him made him jump and he spun around quickly, dropping blood on his robes. It was the incompetent but devastatingly handsome Gilderoy Lockhart. Gilderoy had an urgent look in his ocean blue eyes. “Severus,” he said desperately, falling to his knees. “I had to find you. You see, I've April fallen for you.” Is this all part of an elaborate and mean prank? Or Are Severus and Gilderoy meant to be together? [laughing] Find out next week on whatever the fuck this was.
Sequoia: And now it's time for…
Both: …the rec zone! Pew, pew, pew pew pew pewww!
Sequoia: My recommendation today is called Cherry Pie.
Kim: ‘Kay
Sequoia: It is a listener submission from the wonderful Abby.
Kim: Thank you, Abby.
Sequoia: And it's a fluffy Ronmione. This is exactly the shit I asked for.
Kim: This is what you asked for.
Sequoia: Keep it coming.
Kim: Did they send that to you recently in response to you…
Sequoia: It was pre me asking.
Kim: Ohhh, okay.
Sequoia: But I have seen the story submission form, and I know that y'all are coming through on this shit for me.
Kim: Noice. Noice.
Sequoia: So continue, and I will continue reccing it.
Kim: Well, fluffy Ronmione is always fun.
Sequoia: If you want to read that, there's a link to that story in the description of this episode. There's also a link on our website.
Kim: Fanaticalfics.com.
Sequoia: On our website, you can also find the story submission form where Abby submitted Cherry Pie and where others have submitted before and you may submit now.
Kim: Also on the website, we have merch.
Sequoia: We got some bookmarks on there.
Kim: They're very fun, maybe check them out.
Sequoia: You can also find a link to our other merch site, our TeePublic where there is a wide variety of mugs…
Kim: Objects.
Sequoia: …and phone cases and pillows and all kinds of stuff…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …with Blaise and Zach and all fun stuff from the pod.
Kim: Hell, yeah. If you want to yell about… [laughs] what was this?
Sequoia: [laughs] Any all. Any all.
Kim: You find us on social media, Facebook, Instagram and Twitter @fanaticalfics.
Sequoia: If you have any longer thoughts about any all, you can email us at fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Kim: Hell, yeah. If you like this podcast, you want to help us out, there are a few ways you can do that. Leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or anywhere that will accept a review.
Sequoia: Trick everyone 2021 is almost coming to an end, so make sure you give those tricks in before it changes to trick everyone 2022.
Kim: Sure! You can also support us on Patreon. We're doing all kinds of fun stuff over there. This coming month, December, we're doing a bonus livestream. We do those every other month.
Sequoia: We're doing a writing competition right now.
Kim: We are.
Sequoia: Holiday writing competition. That one’s fun.
Kim: So come hang out with us.
Sequoia: Thanks so much to The Whomping Willows for use of their song Wolfstar as our theme song.
Kim: You can find more of their awesome music on thewhompingwillows.bandcamp.com.
Both: Bye!