Episode 114: All That Love Can Be
Recommendation: Had a Bad Day
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/1119393/1/Had-A-Bad-Day
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Transcriber: Kaczorek
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If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Episode 114: All That Love Can Be
Kim: Sequoia, would you say you have a crush on any Harry Potter character?
Sequoia: Like, currently?
Kim: Yeah, which ones? Or one?
Sequoia: I mean…
Kim: Any?
Sequoia: …my… my current crush is probably Blaise Zabini.
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia: It's a… it's a podcast crush.
Kim: Ah.
Sequoia: It's a… it's a personal crush.
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia: It's an all around crush.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: What about you?
Kim: Well, you know, I really like James, and then I also really like Cedric, and then I also really like Pansy.
Sequoia: [laughs] Uh huh?
Kim: But Ginny's really hot, too. And so is, um…
Sequoia: Mhm. [both laugh]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello. I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where To Find Theeeem. [fading away]
Kim: A Harry Potter fanfiction podcast. Were you falling down a hole?
Sequoia: [laughs] I think so!
Kim: Were you falling down the hole you dug for yourself last time by being so naughty? Pew pew pew pew! Got 'em!
Sequoia: [laughing] Hey, that was good!
Kim: Oh, yeah? Thank you.
Sequoia: Yeah. I think that… I think I was. I think I was. I think I deserved it. And I think we can be done with that now.
Kim: Oh, we'll just move right on, then.
Sequoia: Yep, sounds good. We are gonna do some fanfiction for you today, obviously.
Kim: True!
Sequoia: It's going to be a return to form. But first!
Kim: First!
Sequoia: We have to say thank you!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Like a big, like a tremendous thank you.
Kim: Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. In case you hadn't… haven't seen on our soc meds, we hit our Patreon goal.
Sequoia: Yeah! This is… which is nuts!
Kim: It's just, it's… it's very surprising. We had been kind of projecting when we thought we might be hitting that goal [Sequoia laughs] and our projection didn't have us hitting it until next year sometime.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: So we are a little surprised.
Sequoia: A little surprised! We… so we have this goal on Patreon. We set it with sort of a prize for when we hit that goal. We are going to be doing a big extravaganza livestream. There will be fanfiction, there will be trivia, there will be Q&A. It will be a whole fun time.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Everyone's invited.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: But due to several things, including that timeline that we thought that we were on, that we apparently weren't on [Kim snickers] that will probably end up being sometime very early next year, hopefully in January. So…
Kim: Yeah, I think in January.
Sequoia: Yeah. So we're really excited!
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: We're really very excited!
Kim: Thank you all so much for your support. It… it… I… I feel like I say this all the time, but it really does mean a lot to us.
Sequoia: It does.
Kim: Your support lets us keep doing this.
Sequoia: Mhm. Speaking of our patrons, we did a… we did a livestream earlier today, as of the recording of this.
Kim: Yeah, we're doing… we're doing a double header today, so that's where we're at. [both laugh]
Sequoia: And…
Kim: Are you… are you bringing up how I mentioned that that livestream and this episode are holding hands?
Sequoia: Yes!
Kim: Because they're related?
Sequoia: Because they are related.
Kim: They are both the child of the same author.
Sequoia: [laughs] And given what you gave to us earlier today, I am really excited to see where this takes us.
Kim: Yeah! This… it was… [sighs] [laughs] so that episode of the lot, that livestream had some wild energy. [Sequoia laughs] That story was wild. The fun thing is that I found this story that I'm going to do today first, and then I clicked through to the author's profile, hoping for more of this story, because it's not quite… it doesn't reach a satisfying conclusion for me. I wasn't happy.
Sequoia: Right. Oh. As a story on this podcast that doesn't… [laughs]
Kim: So I was kind of hoping that they'd maybe just like misfiled the rest of it, and maybe I could find some more or just, like, see what else this author who had great vibes had done for me [Sequoia laughs] and I did find what I did on the livestream, and I was like, this is so powerful!
Sequoia: Right!
Kim: So we'll have to see which one ends up being wilder. I think they're both wild in their own special ways. [Sequoia laughs] And I'm very proud of this author because they… they did some good shit.
Sequoia: I'm super excited. We didn't have too much bullshit to do at the top, so we can kind of just…
Kim: Let's do this, I guess!
Sequoia: Yeah! I am… I'm ready to make some predictions.
Kim: All right!
Sequoia: Listeners, you should also make predictions. Go ahead and tweet them at us, #FanficDivination, answer our story on Instagram, yell into the void, email us, tell your best friend. Whatever you might do with these predictions is up to you, but you should make them. It's fun.
Kim: All right, here we go. Here are your clues. Clue number one is the title. All That Love Can Be.
Sequoia: Ooooh!
Kim: Clue number two is the genre. Romance.
Sequoia: Didn't see that one coming! [both laugh]
Kim: And clue number three is the time period! We are between Goblet of Fire and Order of the Phoenix.
Sequoia: Okay [Kim laughs] Oookay. Ooookay.
Kim: It's weird! Those clues! It's like I've never heard them before!
Sequoia: [laughs] Damn. All right! Here we go! Prediction number one: Harmony.
Kim: [snorts] Okay. [Sequoia laughs] You think you're so clever, don't you?
Sequoia: Yeah, I do, I do, I do. [laughs] Prediction number two is that said romantic couple, whomever they might be…
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: …will fly on a magical creature.
Kim: Okay?
Sequoia: Will do a flight together, magical creature.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: And my third prediction is that…
Kim: You'd think that you having heard another of this author's stories this morning would help you with this, and it's just not. And it's very… that's very delicious for me.
Sequoia: Can I guess that there is going to be like a sort of sparsely and yet incorrectly written sex scene?
Kim: You can guess that.
Sequoia: [laughs] I'm gonna guess that! I'm gonna guess that.
Kim: [laughing] It's a funny guess. This is a funny guess.
Sequoia: Thank you.
Kim: Story is rated M.
Sequoia: Ooh, M! Not even T! Higher than T!
Kim: The other one was rated M, too, this morning.
Sequoia: Yeah, well, it should've been.
Kim: We're really… we're really plugging that livestream.
Sequoia: Yeah, I know, right? Join us on Patreon. Whooo! All right.
Kim: All right. We'll stop plugging the livestream, maybe.
Sequoia: And now we'll… you'll read this fanfiction.
Kim: And now I'll read this fanfiction to you.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: Before we get into it, for full playlist disclosure.
Sequoia: Oh my god, yes.
Kim: I should say, in an author's note before chapter two [Sequoia laughs, Kim snorts] which may be giving some stuff away…
Sequoia: Ahaha, shit!
Kim: …they do mention… they say they forgot to add this before. I don't own Harry Potter, wish I did, and I don't own the song All That Love Can Be. Which is the title.
Sequoia: Oh, what's the song All That Love Can Be?
Kim: I googled it.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: And the best that the internet could find for me was a song called All Love Can Be.
Sequoia: Mmmm.
Kim: Which I assume is what they meant, which is a song by Charlotte Church that was apparently featured in A Beautiful Mind.
Sequoia: What a deep cut.
Kim: So.
Sequoia: [laughs] I don't usually expect my author's note playlist submissions to be such deep cuts.
Kim: Well, maybe it's not for them. Real Beautiful Mind heads. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Okay. Excellent. Well, I'm sure that was great context to go in with, had you ever heard of this song before, but… [laughs] let's do this.
Kim: All That Love Can Be. Chapter one. The very first words.
Sequoia: Oh no. [laughs] Oh no!
Kim: [nasal, drawling voice, used for Snape throughout] "Mara Jenkins. What have I told you about dropping bottles in my class?" Snape snapped.
Sequoia: Ahhh. [singing] An OC comes to us? Yeah?
Kim: An OC.
Sequoia: An OC.
Kim: Indeed.
Sequoia: Damn!
Kim: Indeed.
Sequoia: Damn it!
Kim: It's an OC today.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh, good.
Kim: [laughs] "Sorry, Professor, it was an accident," Mara Jenkins, seventh year student at Hogwarts, muttered, as she bent down to pick up the tiny pieces of broken glass off of the floor.
Sequoia: [singing] You have magic! [laughs]
Kim: Yes. In seventh year, you should be able to, like, vanish that shit.
Sequoia: Or just repair it.
Kim: Oh, right.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oops.
Kim: Mara Jenkins.
Sequoia: Mara Jenkins.
Kim: Seventh year Slytherin.
Sequoia: Okay. Oh, I like a…
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Like a Slytherin OC! I like that!
Kim: Haaa. Excited?
Sequoia: Yes?
Kim: "Ten points from Slytherin."
Sequoia: Oh, shut the fuck up. [laughs] She accidentally dropped a bottle on the floor and you. Have. Magic.
Kim: She is being loud and annoying.
Sequoia: Okay, sure.
Kim: Snape's got a hangover. Breaking shit.
Sequoia: [laughs] Snape just always has a hangover.
Kim: "Whaaaat?" The whole class was stunned.
Sequoia: Oh, the whole class. Yeah.
Kim: Snape never took points from Slytherin.
Sequoia: Oh, that's true. She's a Slytherin.
Kim: Yeah, he's…
Sequoia: He's really not having it today.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: This is not a good day for him. And no, no. No.
Kim: There's never been a good day for Snape! [both laugh] The Gryffindors all gasped in shock and were too dumbfounded to be happy.
Sequoia: The…
Kim: Gryffindors were like whaaaaaat?
Sequoia: Oh, there's gotta be one Gryffindor in the back that's like, yeeeah! Whazzup, whazzup, whazup, whaz…
Kim: Ron.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah!
Kim: Draco Malfoy fainted to the floor.
Sequoia: Oh, my god! [laughs] Oh no, I should have guessed that someone was going to faint in a… and it didn't make any sense to faint, too. You know what? [Kim laughs hard] I love that. Especially over ten points.
Kim: Yeah, Snape takes ten points from Slytherin and Draco Malfoy faints. [Sequoia laughs] So emotionally unprepared for that.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah.
Kim: Draco Malfoy fainted to the floor with a loud clunk, and the rest of Slytherins rushed over to him.
Sequoia: Oh, good.
Kim: Oh, Draco, are you okay? Oh, Drakey-poo!
Sequoia: Draco! Draco, our… our… our Slytherin prince! Our ice prince! Awaken! Mhm.
Kim: The bell rang to switch classes. Mara ran out of the room before Snape could say anything further. She could hear three voices behind her, whispering as she walked down the corridor.
Sequoia: Oh, we're having a… we're having a Mean Girls moment. Are we having a Mean Girls moment?
Kim: [laughs] Yeah, I guess?
Sequoia: [quietly] Did you see her? She totally broke that potions bottle.
Kim: Who do you think the mean girls are?
Sequoia: I mean, this is… this is trio era, right?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Pansy Parkinson. [both laugh]
Kim: Nope! [laughs] They belonged to Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley, and Harry Potter.
Sequoia: Okay. Never mind, then. I take it all back.
Kim: [bro voice, used for Ron throughout] "I can't believe Snape punished a Slytherin!" Ron said. "He must not like her."
Sequoia: There's gotta be… I'm sensing… I'm sensing a real, a some kind of a…
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: …ancestry experience happening with this OC.
Kim: Ahh?
Sequoia: I'm starting to get a vibe. I'm getting a vibe.
Kim: Interesting. Interesting, interesting. [arrogant voice, used for Hermione throughout] "Are you kidding? Everyone hates her. Even I do."
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: "She's nothing but a little prat," Hermione said snobbishly.
Sequoia: Whoa! Ho, ho, ho, ho, hooo.
Kim: Hermione.
Sequoia: Hermione! Calm down!
Kim: Coming in spicy as fuck!
Sequoia: [laughs] No one likes her! Not even… I feel like it's a weird thing to say, like, not even me.
Kim: Not even me!
Sequoia: As though Hermione likes everyone?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Question mark?
Kim: Well, Hermione is usually so nice in fanfiction, why not.
Sequoia: S… sure.
Kim: I… it's… fanfiction treats Hermione like she's perfect.
Sequoia: That's true. Yeah.
Kim: And being rude to this girl is kind of…
Sequoia: [laughs] Hilarious?
Kim: …out of character, you would think. Which is why she's, like, even me!
Sequoia: That's so rude!
Kim: Everyone hates her, including me!
Sequoia: Why does everyone hate her?
Kim: She's nothing but a little prat, Hermione just said that.
Sequoia: Oh, okay. Sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't hear the text, I'm so sorry.
Kim: She just sucks!
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: She just really, really, really sucks.
Sequoia: Sure, I accept that. [laughs]
Kim: "She can't be all that bad. She never does anything to anyone. I kind of feel bad. I should have helped her when she was picking up that glass, I know how Snape can be."
Sequoia: Is that Harry?
Kim: That's Harry.
Sequoia: She never does anything to anyone?
Kim: She's… yeah.
Sequoia: So then why does everybody hate her?
Kim: She just sucks. [both laugh] Have you seen her?
Sequoia: [laughing] Fuck, this OC is not going in the direction that I, like, anticipate OCs going in!
Kim: [laughing] No?
Sequoia: No!
Kim: Huh!
Sequoia: Everyone hates her for no reason?
Kim: Yeah? That doesn't… is that not reading to you like something that, like… like a… like a junior high kind of thing?
Sequoia: Well, I… well, I guess. Yeah, sure.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Sure, why not?
Kim: Come on, man. [whiny voice] Everybody hates me and I don't know why.
Sequoia: But Harry doesn't know why either!
Kim: Harry does not know why anyone hates her, Hermione can't articulate it, and Ron apparently has never noticed her before.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh, good. Good. This is seventh year?
Kim: [laughing] Yeah.
Sequoia: Jesus Christ!
Kim: "Harry, are you out of your mind? She's a Slytherin! You obviously can't trust her!" Ron argued back.
Sequoia: Yeah, I mean, it makes sense for the Gryffindors to hate her just on principle.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: But everyone?
Kim: EVERYONE.
Sequoia: I think that that's… that's a little bit excessive.
Kim: "He's right for once, Harry." [laughs]
Sequoia: Oh my god! What is Her… who is Hermione today?! [bursts out laughing]
Kim: She's really fucking mean!
Sequoia: Damn! Okay?
Kim: Okaaay? "Plus, her name is Mara. It means bitter. That can't be good."
Sequoia: It does?
Kim: Apparently.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: I trust Hermione.
Sequoia: In what?
Kim: Name meaning… ology? [both laugh]
Sequoia: [laughing] Tweet at us if you know why Mara means bitter!
Kim: No, I don't care.
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: Now, Hermione has a point here. As weird as this sounds.
Sequoia: Oh, okay?
Kim: Because of the way that wizards are named in the Harry Potter books.
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: Right? If you have a name that sounds like something, that probably means that's what you are.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: You know, like a Remus Lupin.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, that's true. That is true. Okay. Okay. Sure, Hermione. Sure, mean Hermione.
Kim: [laughs] "Who cares what her name is?" snapped Harry.
Sequoia: Yeah, Harry!
Kim: And he moved ahead of them down the corridor as swiftly as he could.
Sequoia: Harry/OC!
Kim: Whaaat? Why would you guess that? [Sequoia laughs] [splutters] Whatyoutalkingabou? Mara sat on her bed that night, pondering over what she heard the other students say. It made her eyes water.
Sequoia: Did she not know that everybody hated her?
Kim: I don't know!
Sequoia: Was she unaware?
Kim: It's seventh year! Why?!
Sequoia: Yeah, I feel like…
Kim: Why?!
Sequoia: …if literally everyone hates you…
Kim: You would know that?
Sequoia: …you might… you might pick up on that by now?
Kim: She never had friends or anyone who would ever stick up for her before. She thought Hogwarts would be so wonderful, but nothing was going the way she had thought. There was only one thing that changed her mind about going back home.
Sequoia: Oh!
Kim: Harry Potter.
Sequoia: Eyyyyy! [laughs]
Kim: Oh, never mind, here we go. We're gonna actually figure out what's going on here.
Sequoia: Oh, okay.
Kim: He was the only one who had shown her the least bit of kindness since she came in the beginning of the year.
Sequoia: Oh!
Kim: She's transfer student.
Sequoia: Transfer student.
Kim: Never mind.
Sequoia: Oh, you know what?
Kim: Take it all back.
Sequoia: Yeah. With an OC? That checks out.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah, transfer student.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: That does check out.
Kim: Transfer student. Still, weird that everyone hates her.
Sequoia: It is super weird that everybody hates her!
Kim: And especially Hermione.
Sequoia: I know! It might even be weirder since she's new.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: ‘Cause, like, what… what evidence do you have, to be… to hate this person? She just got here! [laughs]
Kim: Vibes?
Sequoia: The vibes are off.
Kim: Yeah, her vibes are off. ‘Cause she's an OC. [laughs]
Sequoia: Oh my god. Harry Potter, she writes in her notebook with the little hearts around it. [agreeing sounds from Kim] [high, childlike voice] Mrs. Harry Potter.
Kim: But she knew there was no way he would ever love her.
Sequoia: I don't know, he was being pretty…
Kim: [overly dramatic voice] "There's no way he could ever love me! I'm a Slytherin, for goodness sake!" she said out loud to herself.
Sequoia: Oh my god. [laughs] Where is she? The dormitory?
Kim: The Slytherin dorms.
Sequoia: Okay, somebody, like, two beds down…
Kim: And Pansy's like, shut the fuck up! Go to sleep! Fuck you!
Sequoia: I hate you!
Kim: For no reason! Harry was also awake that night. He thought about his friends’ harsh words. "How could they be so cold?" he thought.
Sequoia: Yeah, he's like, Hermione is actually usually pretty nice, and this is excessive.
Kim: Yeah. And Ron… well, Ron is acting exactly as expected. He's like, who is that?
Sequoia: Slytherins suck, boo Slytherins, go Gryffindor.
Kim: End of thoughts. [both laugh] She looked so innocent, you would never guess she was in Slytherin.
Sequoia: That's nothing.
Kim: That's nothing, I don't know what that means. She had the most brilliant green eyes and her hair was mid length and dark red.
Sequoia: Is she seriously a redhead with green eyes? Is she?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Seriously?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: That?
Kim: Yeah. Harry.
Sequoia: Harry!
Kim: Harry, honey.
Sequoia: Harry!
Kim: Harry, honey.
Sequoia: Harry! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: He's got a type, Sequoia.
Sequoia: I know.
Kim: Don't be mad at him.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Don't be mad. [Sequoia sighs] Her looks and expressions were nothing like the cold stares of a Slytherin. [laughs]
Sequoia: Damn! [both laugh]
Kim: [laughing] What the fuck? Okay.
Sequoia: Well, you know.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Slytherins are mean to him.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Pretty generally.
Kim: Okay, yeah. She reminded him more of a Ravenclaw or something.
Sequoia: Was she sorted? Did she… god, was she, like…
Kim: Yeah, she's in Slytherin! She wasn't proud like the Slytherins were, she was mellow.
Sequoia: [laughs] I think that's more of a Hufflepuff vibe.
Kim: Yeah that's… it's… it's a Hufflepuff vibe.
Sequoia: Mellowness is, yeah.
Kim: She's not really done anything terribly Ravenclaw as she's actually been pretty Hufflepuff.
Sequoia: [laughing] Pretty Hufflepuff! Yeah, thus far!
Kim: [laughs] Yeah. But Harry supposed that that was because she didn't have anyone to talk to. He made up his mind. He would give her someone to talk to.
Sequoia: Yeeeeah!
Kim: Oh, what a good dude. The next morning at breakfast, Harry found Mara sitting at the Slytherin table at the end by herself. He got up his courage and walked slowly over to the table.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: Never before had a Gryffindor sat at the Slytherin table or vice versa.
Sequoia: Ever. In the…
Kim: Ever, in the history of…
Sequoia: …history of…
Kim: …ever.
Sequoia: …the school.
Kim: Not even once.
Sequoia: Never once.
Kim: Not even once. Never, ever, ever.
Sequoia: Uh huh.
Kim: It's not happened, why not?
Sequoia: [laughs] In Hogwarts: A History it says… [both laugh]
Kim: Harry hasn't read Hogwarts: A History.
Sequoia: But Hermione told him.
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: He stood right behind Mara's seat and adjusted his voice.
Sequoia: [as if coughing] Bleurgh!
Kim: [a bit like a Tarzan yell] Aah-eeh-ah-eeh!
Sequoia: [laughing] You gotta! You gotta adjust his voice, was like…
Kim: Aah-eeh-ah-eeh! [voice breaks]
Sequoia: [yelping] Eeeh! Oh!
Kim: Mmm!
Sequoia: He! Mmmm.
Kim: [squawking] Mara?
Sequoia: [low and nasally] M… Mara? [both laugh] [quick succession of short sounds, each different from the one before] [high] Heh? [low] Hmm. [breathy] Aah. [nasally] Mnye. [squeaky] Heh. [wobbly] He-huh-hoh. [murmured] Mmm. [higher] Yhhh. [high and nasally] Mew… Mara? [both laugh]
Kim: Yeah, sure!
Sequoia: [still laughing] Yeah? Just like that?
Kim: Exactly like that! Mara spit out a big mouthful of pumpkin juice all over the table.
Sequoia: Mara. Oh, man. Mara's never been spoken to so…
Kim: Yeah. [both laugh] Oh. She turned around slowly. [takes a deep breath] [yells] "Harry?!"
Sequoia: [laughing] My god.
Kim: Very surprised. [laughs] I was just thinking about you, I mean, whaaat?
Sequoia: I mean, whaaat?
Kim: No one said anythiiing?
Sequoia: My knight in shining… I mean, whaaat, don't look at my notebook! [both laugh]
Kim: Scram… spits… she…
Both: …spit the pumpkin juice on…
Sequoia: …the notebook.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. [both laugh] [Kim blows a raspberry] [both laugh again]
Kim: Oh, that's funny.
Sequoia: Oh, no, Mara.
Kim: "Uh, yeah. I was wondering if I could sit with you."
Sequoia: Ooh.
Kim: "I… I guess so? If you're sure?" "Okay." Harry sat down right next to her.
Sequoia: And then he caught on fire. [Kim laughs] He spontaneously combusted.
Kim: Draco Malfoy cursed him. No, that's not what happens. He sat down. He tried to think of something to start the conversation.
Sequoia: He adjusted his voice again.
Kim: [laughs] No. But all he could think of was, "So, ho…how do you like Hogwarts?"
Sequoia: That's a fine way to talk to a newish transfer student.
Kim: Yeah. Start a conversation with a transfer student? Yup.
Sequoia: Yeah! That's totally normal, acceptable stuff.
Kim: Totally normal topic of conversation.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Do not be so down on yourself, Harry.
Sequoia: Harry, you're doing a great job.
Kim: "It's nice," Mara said, wiping up the pumpkin juice.
Sequoia: It's not.
Kim: Hiding her notebook. Wiping her notebook on the floor.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah. She's lying, it's not nice.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: This is not… this has not been kind to her thus far.
Kim: They just looked at each other in a moment of awkward silence… [both laugh]
Sequoia: It's nice! [long pause] Heeeeeeeeeeh.
Kim: …and began to laugh.
Sequoia: Oh, good.
Kim: Harry began to blush a little.
Sequoia: Cute.
Kim: Yeah, that's… this is really cute.
Sequoia: This is really very cute.
Kim: All of a sudden, Ron and Hermione rushed over to the table. [takes a deep breath and yells] "Harry?!" screeched Hermione. [Sequoia laugh] Ron and Hermione are being so weeeeird!
Sequoia: They're being so weird! It is unnecessary for you to be this concerned about what's going on.
Kim: [laughs] Yeah, man!
Sequoia: Hermione is gonna… Hermione runs over and is like in Hogwarts: A History on chapter two, page five it says…
Kim: [screeching] No one's ever touched a Slytherin table! Don't do it! You're cursed! [Sequoia laughs] No. "What a coincidence, that's what she said!" Harry joked. ‘Cause Mara screamed the same thing…
Sequoia: Oh, yeah. Uh huh.
Kim: …a couple seconds ago.
Sequoia: [fake laughter] Hehe he he he.
Kim: He heey!
Sequoia: They've got an inside joke now.
Kim: That's what she… it wasn't a that's what she said joke.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: Unless it was.
Sequoia: But it is what she said.
Kim: Yeah, ‘cause it's literally what she said. Yes.
Sequoia: ‘Cause it's literally what she said. They have a nice inside joke now!
Kim: Mara began to laugh uncontrollably.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Because this is the first inside joke she's been a part of ever, why not?
Sequoia: Yeah. Harry's like, that's what she said that earlier, and she's like… [sudden shriek of very loud, long laughter] [both laugh]
Kim: And Ron looked between them, confused. "Harry, come on, we're going to be late for class," he said.
Sequoia: Harry, stop hanging out with this loser chick!
Kim: What are you doing? "Ron, when did you start caring about class?"
Sequoia: I mean, Ron goes to class. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah. We've class. Come on!
Sequoia: Go!
Kim: You don't like class! So?
Sequoia: So? We still have to go to it!
Kim: "Ron, when did you start caring about class? Especially since we have Snape next."
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: They got Snape two days in a row, apparently.
Sequoia: Yeah, that's… that sucks.
Kim: That's weird. "Oh, no! Snape?!" said Mara, as she turned…
Sequoia: Noooo!
Kim: …white.
Sequoia: I like… I like that they have this to bond over.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: [laughing] That Snape hates both of them so much.
Kim: For no apparent reason.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: But who knows what's… what's Mara's story? Maybe there is a reason that he hates her.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Or he's just like Hermione. He's like, wow, you suck!
Kim: Hermione and every other student. [Sequoia laughs] Every… if everyone really hates her? You know.
Sequoia: Right. Right.
Kim: "Yeah, Mara, we have potions with you." Don't remember the schedule?
Sequoia: You know, like [teary voice] we had potions yesterday, this is the worst school I've ever been to!
Kim: Facts. "Wanna sit by me in class?" asked Harry, a little nervous.
Sequoia: Oh, god. Oh my god.
Kim: "Sure," she blushed.
Sequoia: This inter-house mingling is not to be had.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Someone's gonna catch on fire.
Kim: Yeah. "Great, see you there!" he called back at her. They exchanged warm smiles as Harry, Ron, and Hermione walked out of the Great Hall. Now we've got an asterisk.
Sequoia: Okay?
Kim: And then we've got some song lyrics. [Sequoia gasps] From the song that is the title.
Sequoia: From the song! I wasn't sure if the author's note was going to be, like, directed at, like, oh, the song title is the name of the fanfiction and I didn't mean that, or if there was actually gonna be song lyrics in it!
Kim: They're right here.
Sequoia: Excellent.
Kim: I'm not gonna read them.
Sequoia: Okay. [laughs]
Kim: We're going to click through to the next chapter.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: ‘Cause that was the end of that chapter, as an asterisk.
Sequoia: Oh, and then you get some like closing song lyrics.
Kim: Song lyrics, yes.
Sequoia: Okay, I can see it, I can see it.
Kim: All right, now we're in chapter two, and that's where the author's note that they forgot to say that they don't own the song is.
Sequoia: Oh, right, okay. This makes sense.
Kim: All right. Everyone entered Potions class.
Sequoia: Wait, does chapter two have a title?
Kim: No, no chapter titles, unfortunately.
Sequoia: That's unfortunate.
Kim: Yeah. We've got default chapter and chapter two.
Sequoia: All right, okay.
Kim: That… that's in the dropdown menu here, sorry.
Sequoia: Chapter two. [sighs]
Kim: Sorry, buddy. Everyone entered Potions class in the usual manner. Boreeedooom!
Sequoia: [laughing] Not one person wants Potions?
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Damn.
Kim: Snape is the worst professor! And they have… they've had some shitty ones. And I also… I don't think most of them are… some of them are not bored, some of them are filled with terror.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah.
Kim: Seems like everyone is still in Potions, even though that's not how it actually works, but it was 2002, so we didn't know that yet, exactly, so I would guess that Neville's here and he's terrified.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: And Mara's also probably terrified.
Sequoia: Ooooh!
Kim: What.
Sequoia: Now I want this to be OC/Neville!
Kim: That's not gonna happen.
Sequoia: Sad.
Kim: Neville, I think, doesn't get a mention in this story.
Sequoia: Sad.
Kim: Just in my brain. The Slytherins kept on their usual chatter about what Snape would bash Harry about next. Except for Mara, of course.
Sequoia: [laughing] I think the Slytherins do like Potions class.
Kim: Yeah, right? Like, heh heh, Harry's gonna get…
Sequoia: Harry sucks! [both laugh]
Kim: So Mara wasn't talking about how Snape was going to bash Harry. She was too busy being nervous and blushy, as she sat next to Harry.
Sequoia: Oh my GOD.
Kim: This was the first time she hadn't sat in the class alone.
Sequoia: Oh my god! Don't you, like, have to have a partner sometimes in class? To do like a… holy shit, man!
Kim: [laughs] Well, she's… she's a transfer student, and she's odd numbers and…
Sequoia: Ah, that's true. And so she just sits by herself in a corner.
Kim: So she's a… yep. Every class.
Sequoia: And no one will sit next to her.
Kim: The professors don't do anything about it. Snape entered the room with his everyday snarl. Apparently.
Sequoia: My god. It's not his… it's not his special days’, like, snarl.
Kim: Oh, sure, sure. sure.
Sequoia: It's not. Today this is just his everyday snarl.
Kim: This is just a regular day. "I hope you all studied, because Gryffindor gets a nice surprise quiz worth half their final grade."
Sequoia: You! Can't! Do that! [both laugh] Whaaat? Whaaat?
Kim: Just the Gryffindors are getting this quiz.
Sequoia: Whoah, what about Mara? Is he going to give it to Mara?
Kim: [slurring] Idon'tknoweyyyy! [Sequoia laughs] Every one of the Gryffindors, except Hermione, she already knew everything, panicked.
Sequoia: Mmm, mhm.
Kim: [laughs] But I'm glad. I'm glad they got that in there.
Sequoia: Yeah, it was good to know.
Kim: "Sir? That isn't fair! What about the…" Mara began.
Sequoia: Oh, no, Mara, you're gonna get the… it's gonna…
Kim: [nasally] "Shut up, girl. I've just about had it with you. You will be taking the quiz also, and it will count as your…”
Both: “…whole grade!"
Sequoia: There it is!
Kim: He snapped. I don't think that's how school works?
Sequoia: Oh, that you can just, like, give one quiz that's a pop quiz and have it be the whole grade?
Kim: Yeah. Does that mean she can stop coming to class?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Huh.
Sequoia: Absolutely it does.
Kim: Huuuh.
Sequoia: [laughs] I'd be like, sure, give me your damn quiz!
Kim: Fuck you!
Sequoia: I never want to come back here, you asshole!
Kim: "I don't want to!" Mara shouted unexpectedly.
Sequoia: [laughs] She pressed the back of her hand to her forehead.
Kim: [theatrically] No, thank you!
Sequoia: Nooo! I cannot!
Kim: I don't wanna take a quiz! And did something no one would expect.
Sequoia: Sh… she…?
Kim: You're not ready. She pulled out her wand, closed her eyes, pointed it randomly…
Sequoia: What?
Kim: …and blue sparks came shooting out of it. They hit Snape right in the stomach. So apparently it wasn't random.
Sequoia: Yeah, that doesn't seem random at all.
Kim: She aimed at Snape.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: And he went flying across the room into a rather large cauldron filled with green, fizzing liquid. Everyone gasped and Ron began to laugh uncontrollably. [Sequoia also laughs uncontrollably] [high pitched voice] I don't wanna do your stupid quiz! [ominous voice] Curses him.
Sequoia: [laughing] Damn! Did she just straight up attack the teacher?
Kim: Yes, she did.
Sequoia: Wow!
Kim: Ron thinks it's funny.
Sequoia: It is funny.
Kim: Is it?
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And… [laughs] I like that this power, this sort of like a confidence and…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: And that she's been given by talking to Harry for, like, fifteen minutes.
Kim: Mhm! [both laugh] Snape didn't move.
Sequoia: Is he dead?
Kim: Everyone got up from their seats and looked into the cauldron. The girls squeaked in horror…
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: …as Snape's body…
Sequoia: OH MY GOD!
Kim: …dissolved…
Sequoia: [screaming] What the fuuu-huh-ha-hahaha!
Kim: …into the liquid and vanished without a trace.
Sequoia: Okay, I take it back. That's not funny.
Kim: It's a little funny.
Sequoia: I mean, It's funny, but, like… holy shit! [Kim laughs] She just murdered a teacher!
Kim: Yeah, man! [laughs]
Sequoia: That Mara girl, I don't know why everyone hates her, ‘cause she's never done anything until this one specific point, where the one thing she's ever done is [yells] MURDER A TEACHER?!
Kim: In front of everyone.
Sequoia: Whoa. [both laugh]
Kim: This story was, like, pretty ho hum, whatever, OC, Harry likes her, blah blah blah blah blah, until this point. And then I was like, excuse me?! [Sequoia laughs] She just fucking murdered Snape?! Whaat?!
Sequoia: Damn. That is… whooo! Hoo whoo!
Kim: Hoo boy!
Sequoia: Yeah! What are they gonna do?
Kim: Draco looked up at Mara in shock. "You... you killed him!"
Sequoia: He didn't faint, though? Not this time?
Kim: He fainted to the floor.
Sequoia: [bursts out with laughter] Damn! There it is!
Kim: This author does not like Draco, and I am about it.
Sequoia: I like it. I like it a lot.
Kim: I'm about it.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: He fainted to the floor, and several Slytherin girls, including Pansy Parkinson, carried him to Madam Pomfrey. Pansy just, like, scoops him up. She's like, shhh, sleep now, Draco. Draco's sleepy.
Sequoia: [laughs] I feel like the… the main point, like, the first… the first action taken by any student should be to…
Kim: Do anything about the fact that Snape just fucking died in front of all of them? Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah, like, go get an… go get an adult.
Kim: I mean, them taking Draco to Madam Pomfrey is gonna do double duty for that, I think.
Sequoia: Probably, yeah.
Kim: [laughs] How often do you think Draco's fainting? ‘Cause Pansy just, like, picks him up and is like, all right, here we go, no, not again. [Sequoia laughs in the background] ‘Cause he did it yesterday, too.
Sequoia: Happens at least once a day.
Kim: Do you think he's got, like… do you think he's, like, anaemic or something?
Sequoia: Oh, yeah! Yeah, probably? You shouldn't be fainting that much!
Kim: Shouldn't be fainting that much, buddy. Pansy.
Sequoia: Draco!
Kim: Pansy, help him. Pansy turned to Mara just before she left the room and gave her a cold stare. "We're going to tell her all about this."
Sequoia: Okay, yeah.
Kim: "You'll be sorry."
Sequoia: I don't know that I would, like, get all up in that girl's face.
Kim: She fucking murdered Snape!
Sequoia: She just murdered someone in front of you!
Kim: She just murdered Snape. Just leave.
Sequoia: Just leave! I would be gone.
Kim: Murderer.
Sequoia: I'd be gone!
Kim: Yeah. Well, yeah. [Sequoia laughs] That's one thing… that's one thing about Sequoia. Self preservation instinct. They left and shut the door with a loud bang. All of the students, except for Harry, left the scene.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Now they fucking booked it.
Sequoia: Correct. Goodbye.
Kim: You know, like fuck this shit. No thank you.
Sequoia: I a hundred percent believe that every Slytherin was like, peace! [laughs]
Kim: Every Gryffindor too! Everyone. Never mind. "I'm in so much trouble!"
Sequoia: Oh my god! [laughs]
Kim: "I didn't mean to kill him, I don't know what came over me!"
Sequoia: [whiny voice] I'm in so much troubleeee!
Kim: Oh, you think she's crying?
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: [whiny voice] I didn't mean to kill him!
Sequoia: [so whiny it's hard to differentiate the words] Owowowee wasjuss right there andeewasbeein so meeeeean!
Kim: [still whiny] So I did murder himmm!
Sequoia: [whiny] And I did do iiiit!
Kim: I just killed him! [both laugh] "I know someone we can talk to," said Harry. "I'm going to die!" Mara exclaimed, and she began to cry. Now she's crying.
Sequoia: No! Oh, here… here's… yeah, here's the thing. You're not gonna die. It's gonna be worse than death. It's gonna be the dementor's kiss.
Kim: Oh. Yeah.
Sequoia: And, yeah, you should be scared, you just murdered someone!
Kim: No, no, listen. Harry held out his arms, and she fell into his embrace, sobbing on his clothes.
Sequoia: How… how romantic for, like, literally three minutes after somebody died. [cackles]
Kim: [laughing] Right?!
Sequoia: Fuck, man!
Kim: That part of the story, everything leading up to it, normal, normal, normal.
Both: MURDER!
Kim: And then we're, like, trying to get back to normal?
Sequoia: [laughing] We just gonna go… we're just gonna go forward from here.
Kim: [high pitched] No, you murdered someone! [Sequoia laughs] "No one is going to hurt you, and you are not going to die, I promise," Harry muttered, patting her back, assuringly. I didn't mutter that, oh, well. [Sequoia laughs] Where are they going?
Sequoia: Where are they going? Dumbledore. Clearly.
Kim: Yeah. Harry and Mara approached Dumbledore's office and knocked on the door. He answered and cheerfully said…
Sequoia: Oh no. Oh no. Oh no!
Kim: He's cheerful! [goofy, squawky voice, used for Dumbledore throughout] "Mara Jenkins! I knew you'd come to see me. Harry, would you mind waiting outside?"
Sequoia: [takes deep breath and sings] Whaaaat's the proooophecy? [both laugh]
Kim: [laughing] Phew, fuck. Sssshit. Harry nodded, and Mara followed Dumbledore inside. "Professor, I swear I didn't mean to kill Snape, I don't know what happened! I…" "Calm down, you did not kill Snape."
Sequoia: Wait, what?
Kim: "He can be restored back to normal."
Sequoia: What?
Kim: "He can?" asked a confused Mara. And Sequoia.
Sequoia: Yes. Agreement.
Kim: "Yes, he can! In about ten years."
Sequoia: It… because of the potion he fell into?
Kim: He… it's not clear why.
Sequoia: Okay. [laughs] Are they gonna… did the potion sort of disintegrate him down, and then they must rebuild him?
Kim: Something like that, I think, yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah, and it's gonna take a while, magically, to sort of heal that whole body scenario?
Kim: Yeah. Yes.
Sequoia: Entire being, existence?
Kim: Yes. Exactly.
Sequoia: He didn't take some skelegro, but like…
Kim: Yeah, it kinda seems like maybe what happened is that the potion disintegrated him. She didn't actually kill him, she just, like, hit him with a knock back jinx, he tripped into his cauldron and then it was acid.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, but that's… how does that negate the death portion?
Kim: He didn't actually die, he's a… it's a… [mumbles]
Sequoia: [sighs] Oh, god. Something, something.
Kim: Something, something.
Sequoia: Is… okay. Now… okay, okay.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: [laughs] This… Dumbledore seems to know way more about this scenario than would make sense.
Kim: Yes. Correct.
Sequoia: In the timeline. Okay.
Kim: Well spotted.
Sequoia: [laughs] Cool.
Kim: [snickers] He's Dumbledore.
Sequoia: Proceed.
Kim: Yup! As she tried not to giggle.
Sequoia: Giggle?!
Kim: [snorts] ‘Cause Snape's gone for ten years.
Sequoia: I mean, that is a little funny.
Kim: A little funny.
Sequoia: A little funny.
Kim: Snape's dead for ten years.
Sequoia: Kinda like, meh, I'll be gone by then.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I won't be at this school.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I don't give a fuck.
Kim: Yeah. Kinda funny. If you're not going to punish me for, you know, getting rid of Snape for ten years, that's kinda funny, I guess.
Sequoia: Then that's kinda funny.
Kim: As she tried not to giggle, Mara looked at Dumbledore's unconcerned about Snape expression. [both laugh]
Sequoia: What does that look like? Excuuse meee?
Kim: He's unconcerned.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: We're gonna… this story is going to keep going, you know? Kinda seemed like that might be the end, right? No.
Sequoia: It… no.
Kim: "I think, Mara, that there is something you're unsure about. Do you want to tell me?" Mara thought for a moment.
Sequoia: S… something? Something.
Kim: Something.
Sequoia: One thing?
Kim: One thing. Mara thought for a moment. She thought of why she was stuck in Slytherin, and if maybe the sorting hat made a mistake.
Sequoia: That seems like the furthest possible thing from anything she should be or would be thinking about at this particular moment. Please continue.
Kim: "Sir, may I try on that hat up there?" [Sequoia laughs] Look, Snape's not dead, we're moving past that!
Sequoia: Okay, okay, fine!
Kim: That's… we're done with that part of the story for some reason.
Sequoia: Holy shit, man. Holy shit.
Kim: That part of this story is over now.
Sequoia: Okay, sure. Did she not try on the hat before? They just put her somewhere?
Kim: Ah, the sorting. So she's wondering if the sorting hat made a mistake. So she got sorted.
Sequoia: Oh, okay. And now she wants to do it again.
Kim: She wants to do it again.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: "Can I try that hat up there?" she asked nervously, pointing to the sorting hat on the shelf. "I knew you would ask that. Here you are."
Sequoia: It was all in the prophecy.
Kim: The prophecy, fuck. Fuck! It'd be so fucking funny if there was a prophecy in here!
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh, there's no prophecy?
Kim: No!
Sequoia: Damn.
Kim: Mara put the Hat on her head and waited. "Hmm," the hat said. "I see that you were falsely put into Slytherin house."
Sequoia: Falsely.
Kim: Did you not do… were you not the one that did that?
Sequoia: Didn't you do that thing?
Kim: Didn't you do that?!
Sequoia: You just… it… it doesn't…
Kim: The hat?
Sequoia: Yeah, he doesn't want to say he made a mistake.
Kim: I did a whoopsie doodle, says the hat. [Sequoia laughs] And now everyone hates you. Oops!
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: "I see you were falsely put into Slytherin house."
Sequoia: Weird.
Kim: "Well, I can assure you that you don't belong there."
Sequoia: That's… hat! Come on!
Kim: "Let me see. Not Hufflepuff."
Sequoia: So no… but no, she's a Hufflepuff. Seems like a Hufflepuff.
Kim: Kinda seems like, except for the whole murder thing.
Sequoia: Yeah, that was an outlier, though, as we've learned.
Kim: "Hmm, Ravenclaw! Yes, Ravenclaw."
Sequoia: No!
Kim: Harry had the vibes! Yesterday.
Sequoia: Oh, okay. Harry knew, Harry had the vibes. It's okay. Fine. Fine.
Kim: The hat's picking up on Harry's vibes.
Sequoia: Fiiine.
Kim: "Thank you, hat!" Mara yelled in excitement.
Sequoia: [laughs] People are going to be like, wait a second.
Kim: Huh?
Sequoia: She murdered someone and then got moved from Slytherin to Ravenclaw?!
Kim: [laughing] Yeah.
Sequoia: What the fuck, man?
Kim: No, that checks out.
Sequoia: Whoo! Ravenclaw is not gonna be happy about this scenario.
Kim: What do you mean? She's… she's never done anything to anyone, except for that time she killed Snape for the next ten years. [Sequoia laughs] Why would anyone hate her?
Sequoia: That's… yeah, okay, sure.
Kim: "Thank you, hat!" Mara yelled in excitement, handing it back to Dumbledore. "And thank you, Professor." "You're very welcome, Mara. And I believe someone is waiting outside for you."
Sequoia: Yeah. You saw him, you told him to wait in the hall. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah, you told him to wait there. Mara ran to the door and outside the office to Harry, who was waiting in the corridor. "Harry! Good news! I'm not in Slytherin, I'm in Ravenclaw!". And that was not the good news.
Sequoia: Wait! Is she not going to tell him that? Snape's not dead?
Kim: The good news is that you're not a murderer, buddy! Hey, Mara? Hey, Mara?! [Sequoia laughs] Mara, honey!
Sequoia: Mara, what the fuck?
Kim: Mara, honey!
Sequoia: [laughs] That is so wild.
Kim: [laughs] "That's good! And I knew Dumbledore wouldn't think you were a murderer. I heard the whole thing."
Sequoia: Oh, okay. All right. He was eavesdropping.
Kim: "How?" Harry held up his invisibility cloak. That he's going to show to this murderer that he doesn't know very well, apparently. Harry!
Sequoia: [laughs] He followed them in?
Kim: Yeah. Put his invisibility cloak on and listened in.
Sequoia: Harry. Mind your own damn business.
Kim: Well, he did promise her that no one was gonna hurt her.
Sequoia: That's valid.
Kim: He didn't think Dumbledore was gonna hurt her, but just in case.
Sequoia: Okay, sure.
Kim: Why is he showing it to her, though? She did murder Snape.
Sequoia: No, she didn't! He'll be back! It's fine.
Kim: "Very clever. Now we best get to class. Maybe school won't be so bad now, people might get a little friendlier," Mara said hopingly.
Sequoia: [shouting] Now that she's a… murdered someone?!
Kim: [laughs] Yeah. People had best be friendlier or else she's going to kill them, Sequoia.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh, my god, Mara! Mara.
Kim: People are going to be friendlier now, maybe.
Sequoia: Mara.
Kim: Maybe!
Sequoia: Wild.
Kim: Harry and Mara walked through the corridor to Transfiguration, when a group of Ravenclaws walked by. "Great. They put her in our house. Now we have to take the blame for everything," one of them whispered.
Sequoia: Yeah, of course they're not happy!
Kim: No. She killed someone.
Sequoia: You killed someone for ten years.
Kim: She literally killed someone.
Sequoia: And…
Kim: And everyone's all…
Sequoia: Everyone…
Both: …already hated her!
Kim: Yeah. Yeah. Mara stopped walking. Harry knew why. "It's never going to get better, Harry. I should have never come here." Awww.
Sequoia: Awww.
Kim: No, I don't… it's hard to feel bad.
Sequoia: Yeah, there's… there's a little bit too much murder for me to… [laughs]
Kim: She seems like, so like, oh, feel bad for her in the first chapter.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: This one really turned it around.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: He saw her eyes fill with water once more and put his arm around her shoulders. She calmed down and for once felt comfortable.
Sequoia: Uh huh?
Kim: This is the last sentence, unfortunately.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: That night, Mara walked to the Ravenclaw common room. The halls were deserted, but little did Mara know, [Sequoia gasps] something unexpected [Sequoia gasps again] was about to happen.
Sequoia: [shouting] WHAT?! That's the last line?!
Kim: And there was someone else lurking in the corridor. That's the last line.
Sequoia: End?!
Kim: That's the end. Sorry.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: Sorry.
Sequoia: That's so mean.
Kim: I'm sorry, that's the end.
Sequoia: Okay, here's the thing, though?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Gotta be a prophecy.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Right?
Kim: Yeah, probably.
Sequoia: Gotta be a prophecy.
Kim: Probably. I don't know how much longer they expected this to be, ‘cause they have a few… a few of the other things are marked complete, and they're usually only like three or four chapters.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: I don't know that they would go that far.
Sequoia: Mmm. Yeah, ‘cause you kind of have to… to see a prophecy through to fruition.
Kim: Yeah. So something was going to happen. Don't know what.
Sequoia: Hmm. Maybe somebody was mad at her about how Snape is not gonna be alive for the next ten years.
Kim: I don't know why anyone would be mad. [laughs]
Sequoia: [laughs] Whoo!
Kim: Funny, funny.
Sequoia: Wow, that… that story took one of the most wild turns.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: I think that I've… that we've…
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Damn.
Kim: Yep. Yep, yep.
Sequoia: Holy shit. Well, I didn't get any points.
Kim: No. No, you didn't.
Sequoia: I didn't.
Kim: Sorry. I'm not sorry.
Sequoia: [sighs] I wasn't gonna get it. Especially since there was so little of the romance.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah. There was… it was just build up.
Sequoia: Dang it.
Kim: Good try, though.
Sequoia: Thank you. Thank you. Do you want to do a segment?
Kim: Yeah, let's do a segment. I think I hear someone knocking on the door, Sequoia.
Sequoia: Who could it be? It's an OC! It's very fitting that we're doing an OC today. This is a segment…
Kim: Yeah, doubling up on the OCs.
Sequoia: Right? This is a segment where you, our lovely listeners, will send us in your OCs that you wrote in the past, in the present, whenever. And we tell everyone about them. Because they're great.
Kim: [laughs] We love them.
Sequoia: So today we have an OC named Serenity Malfoy.
Kim: Oh! Serenity! Yeeees!
Sequoia: I could almost just stop there, honestly. [laughs]
Kim: Look, I just recently read all of Sailor Moon. Give me Serenity Malfoy.
Sequoia: [laughs] Serenity Malfoy has wide brown eyes and long, straight light brown hair.
Kim: Weird for a Malfoy.
Sequoia: Right? Well, she comes from Canada.
Kim: What?!
Sequoia: She's a Canadian Malfoy.
Kim: No! [Sequoia laughs] She's from the Canadian branch of the family? They don't talk about ever?
Sequoia: She's from the Canadian… yeah. Uh huh.
Kim: Uh huh? Aright? Uh huuuuuooh god.
Sequoia: She… she went to Ilvermorny for four years.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Then, during her fourth year, her parents died in a devastating potions accident in a potions lab that killed a hundred and seven people.
Kim: Whaaat?! The fuck?
Sequoia: [laughing] Right?
Kim: Oh my god, that's so many people!
Sequoia: [laughs] A hundred and seven people, including her parents.
Kim: It's quite the body count!
Sequoia: A hundred and five people and two of her parents. So, a little bit… so the Malfoy family line looks like this.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Lucius had a brother named… Lucius's father…
Kim: Abraxas.
Sequoia: …had a brother named Draco.
Kim: Okay?
Sequoia: So Draco is named after this older Draco.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: In this thing. He moved to Canada.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: When he was eighteen. So this is… that's where we get the Canadian line.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: He fell in love with a woman named Rose.
Kim: 'Kay.
Sequoia: They had two children named Griffin and Basilisk. [both laugh]
Kim: Those are good.
Sequoia: Right?
Kim: I don't know about Basilisk as a kid name.
Sequoia: They call… they call him Basil for short.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Okay. So then the older of the two sons, Griffin…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Marries Khalifi Silver.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And they have Serenity.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: So Khalifi Silver and Griffin are the two that died.
Kim: The one… the explosion… the two that exploded. Sure.
Sequoia: Yeah, exploded.
Kim: Along with a hundred and whatever…
Sequoia: A hundred and five other people.
Kim: Yeah. [both laugh]
Sequoia: They were… they were in a lab studying the differences between wizard magic and muggle science.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: And then they exploded.
Kim: [laughs] 'Kay. Bye?
Sequoia: After her parents died, they sent Serenity to live with Basil. But Basil was an unfit caregiver due to not having enough money or a job.
Kim: And being named Basil. [laughs]
Sequoia: And being named Basil. So they decided that the proper thing to do then was to sent her to live with Lucius Malfoy. [laughs]
Kim: That does not check out. Go anywhere else. Have you seen Lucius?
Sequoia: [laughing] That's the end! That's the whole… that's the whole it, that's all the Malfoys. [Kim whines] There's no more. There's no more Canadian Malfoys. They just send… they just send her back to the UK Malfoys. [laughs]
Kim: Ugh, such a bad idea.
Sequoia: So she gets there the summer before her fifth year.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And the Malfoys ignore her, and they don't like her, and they don't want her to be there. Naturally.
Kim: Of course. She's Canadian!
Sequoia: [laughs] No, like, we don't talk about the Canadian Malfoys. [Kim laughs] Oh my goodness. But then she gets to go to Hogwarts, where she befriends Ginny and Luna.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Who are dating.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Noice.
Kim: Love a Linny.
Sequoia: Love it, love it, love… we love to see it. And they're all friends.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: But Ron hates her because she's a Malfoy and doesn't want Ginny to be friends with her.
Kim: Ron? Oh my god.
Sequoia: [laughs] This is just like some classic Ron shit.
Kim: Ron, can you just… can you just be cool for, like, ten seconds, Ron?
Sequoia: No. [laughs]
Kim: Just ever, at any point in any story, can Ron please be cool?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: No?
Sequoia: No. [laughs]
Kim: So weird how Ron hates her, and everyone hates her, you know, she's never done anything. Not done anything to anyone.
Sequoia: She's not done one thing. She's never done anything.
Kim: LOL.
Sequoia: But she does get sorted into Hufflepuff.
Kim: Okay. That's…
Sequoia: She is a Hufflepuff.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And she's best friends with Luna and Ginny.
Kim: Cute.
Sequoia: And so they just go through their fifth year like that.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: So during their sixth year, Hogwarts welcomes several exchange students from Durmstrang, Beauxbatons, and Ilvermorny.
Kim: Interesting. Some more OCs.
Sequoia: More OCs.
Kim: Huh.
Sequoia: Which is where you get her romantic interest, named…
Kim: Oh, okay, I…
Sequoia: Yes?
Kim: …was kind of thinking this was gonna be a ship with Harry because… ‘cause we've got Ginny out of the way. [laughs]
Sequoia: No, Harry is not in this story.
Kim: What?! [Sequoia laughs] Harry's what?!
Sequoia: Harry is not mentioned. [Kim laughs and squeals] Harry gets no mention here. Harry? Never heard of him. What?
Kim: What?!
Sequoia: [laughs] No Harry Potter here. [both still laughing]
Kim: Okay! I love that! That's very…
Sequoia: Several exchange students.
Kim: That's very good! Okay, several exchange students. Welcome!
Sequoia: So one of them is named Arlyn.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Who's sorted into Ravenclaw.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And, like, befriends Luna and therefore Ginny.
Kim: Oh, okay. So they've got the same friends.
Sequoia: Friend group. Except that Ron got to Arlyn first.
Kim: Rooon.
Sequoia: To poison him against Serenity.
Kim: Whaat? Ron! Ron, come here. Come here, Ron.
Sequoia: Ron.
Kim: Come here, Ron. Ron?
Sequoia: Ron?
Kim: Ron?
Sequoia: Ron. Ron?
Kim: Can you be cool for, like, five minutes?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: [laughs] So it takes a while for Arlyn and Serenity to get together.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Because, you know, they have to… they're like, oh, we don't like each other, and he's like walking away every time she comes up to talk to Ginny and Luna.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: But then they all go to Hogsmeade together, and Ginny and Luna are like a couple, so then Ginny and Luna have to go do like a date thing.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And then it just leaves Serenity and Arlyn to hang out in Hogsmeade.
Kim: Oh, how weeeeird.
Sequoia: Oh my gosh.
Kim: And then… and neither of them leaves, even though they don't really like each other. For some reasooon!
Sequoia: [laughs] They still have to hang out.
Kim: They have to hang out for reasons.
Sequoia: Because then it's weird, and, you know.
Kim: Oh, sureee.
Sequoia: It'd be weird to be like, bye, but… you know?
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: [laughs] And then later, Arlyn does save Serenity while she is being bullied simultaneously by Draco and Ron.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: [laughs] Draco and Ron just, like, did team up to bully Draco's cousin?
Kim: [laughing] Is this a Dron?!
Sequoia: Draco's Canadian cousin?
Kim: Sequoia?
Sequoia: [laughs] No, it's not a Dron!
Kim: Are you sure?
Sequoia: Okay, because the author…
Kim: Okay?
Sequoia: …has told us in their email…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …that they do think that later, past the point where they actually finished the story, in… in… in this universe, later, it's probably a Drarry.
Kim: Aha.
Sequoia: But that's the only time we ever hear about Drarry.
Kim: I don't know, Sequoia. I think the author… the death of the author… this is sounding like a Dron to me.
Sequoia: Okay, fine. This is background Dron. And then, so naturally all of the exchange students have to stay over Christmas break.
Kim: ‘Cause it's too far to go home. Because none of us know how to use magic.
Sequoia: Exactly, exactly. [Kim laughs] So then at midnight on New Year's Eve, naturally, they kiss on the roof of Hogwarts and they live happily ever after.
Kim: Awww. Cute.
Sequoia: And that's Serenity Malfoy sent to us by Serena.
Kim: Thank you so much. That is a… that was a good OC.
Sequoia: It was a very powerful OC. I really appreciated it.
Kim: Some good OC content. [both laugh]
Sequoia: All right!
Kim: If you have an excellent OC like Serenity, you can always feel welcome to send them in to our email, fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Sequoia: Send them right in.
Kim: Send them to us.
Sequoia: And now it's time for…
Both: The rec zone! Pew pew pew pew pew pewwww!
Kim: So I thought in… along the same vein as me featuring an author that I did for Patreon content in this story, I'm going to recommend an author that I did for Patreon content in the rec zone.
Sequoia: Nice!
Kim: This is a story called Had a Bad Day, which is some absolutely adorable Deanmus.
Sequoia: [gasps] Yay, I love Deanmus!
Kim: It's by the author of Because It's Trendy.
Sequoia: Oh, nice!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: That was a great story.
Kim: Good one. This is another great story by them. This one is super cute, though, so I'm reccing it.
Sequoia: Nice. You can find the link to that story in the description of this episode and also on our website.
Kim: Fanaticalfics.com.
Sequoia: Also on our website is our story submission form. If you have read something that you think our eyes need to see, please submit it to us. Let us see it. Let our eyes see it.
Kim: In addition to your eyes. Also on our website you can find merchandise, both on our website, things like Yes!! Glitter!!! bookmarks, etc., and a link to our TeePublic where you can find, I don't know, they got all kinds of weird stuff.
Sequoia: Squid biologist merch.
Kim: Yes, but like…
Sequoia: Oh, but like laptop cases, phone cases, mugs.
Kim: Every once in a while I see someone buy a mask, and… of one of our designs, and I'm like, you go.
Sequoia: Like you're really putting that out there!
Kim: You put that on your face. I'm happy for you.
Sequoia: [laughs] If you wanna let us know any… anything.
Kim: Any thoughts.
Sequoia: Any thoughts.
Kim: Got some thoughts?
Sequoia: You can tweet at us.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Message us on Instagram.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Follow us on Facebook, all at Fanatical Fics.
Kim: If you have any submissions for any of our segments or longer thoughts, you can email us at fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Sequoia: If you wanna help out the podcast, there are a couple ways to do that. First, you can leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Facebook or, as we've always said, sidewalk chalk on the outside of your personal home.
Kim: Sure. If you want to use that sidewalk chalk on the outside of your personal home as an augmentation to tricking everyone, that's probably a good way to do it.
Sequoia: Probably a good way to do it.
Kim: I guess?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: So, you know, trick everyone 2021, the campaign continues. Keep telling us how your trickery is going. We'd love to hear about it.
Sequoia: Yeah! We love to hear those stories.
Kim: Some of you are very good at it.
Sequoia: Mhm. Keep up the great work. You can also become a patron. As we've said several times in this episode, there's some fun stuff over there. There's livestream…
Kim: Did we drop enough Patreon plugs?
Sequoia: Did we say too much about the Pat…? There's a Patreon!
Kim: Ooops! There's bonus content there, it's good!
Sequoia: It's good! Also at our $10 tier, if you are there for six months, we will give you a shout out here on the podcast in the form of a story summary, which Kim is going to do right now. Take it away.
Kim: True. In the summer after Harry's fifth year, a new prophecy is discovered. It says that after the chosen savior of the wizarding world appears, another great wizard of power will also be revealed. He will be a prince of light and darkness, and he'll have the power to help the chosen one, but only if he is saved from the darkness with the power of true love. [Sequoia laughs] Who could this mysterious prince be? And how will Harry get Draco… I mean, the mysterious prince, to fall for him?
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh my god. Thank you so much to Katie Counts, Ping Vanatzchak, and Alyssa Homan.
Kim: Your support means so much to us. We said it at the top, I'll say it here at the bottom, you let us keep doing this thing, and we appreciate it very, very, very much.
Sequoia: We also appreciate the Whomping Willows for letting us use their song Wolfstar as our theme song.
Kim: You can find all of the Whomping Willows’ excellent music on thewhompingwillows.bandcamp.com.
Both: Byeeeee!