Crack Pairing Summaries Competition Winners

We held a summaries writing competition on our Patreon discord, and oh boy did the fam deliver. We’re absolutely blown away by all of the submissions we got. In the end, we just had to award points to all the top 15 because there were so many that deserved them! Here are all our top 15 submissions in order. Thanks to everyone who participated!

Topic: Crack Pairing
Word limit: 250
Must include an A/N (Authors Note)

They Met At The Gym: An Epic Poem (Albus Dumbledore/Molly Weasley) (1st Place)

Molly’s a poor girl, so sweet and so pretty,
Albus is wealthy, both clever and witty.
They meet at the gym and he owns the whole thing,
But she’s in a leotard, undulating.
She jumps on the weight machine, flexing her arms,
And he comes to her smiling, displaying his charms.
They rush to his bedroom and have lots of sex,
Of course he’s fantastic, just look at his pecs!
And then they lie happily, in his soft bed,
When he looks at her fondly and says they’ll be wed.
They go on their honeymoon, Tenerife’s shore,
And then they can live happily evermore.

A/N I’m crap at descriptions, just read it.

Summary #2 (Neville/Whomping Willow) (2nd Place)

When Neville started the process of becoming an animagus, he was excited but nervous. What type of animal would he be able to turn into? His patronus was non-corporeal, so that didn’t provide any hints. He was desperately hoping for something exciting, but part of him just assumed he’d turn into a toad like Trevor. Or else something equally mundane and pathetic. What he wasn’t expecting – what, he hoped, no one was expecting – was that he turned out to be more of a… plantimagus. That’s right. He, Neville Longbottom, was now a dittany shrub. And he didn’t seem to be able to change back. What’s worse, he seemed to have caught the eye… er, what’s the tree equivalent of an eye?... of a certain willow with an angry disposition and some very deep-penetrating roots.

A/N: Poor Neville. Why do we always pick on him so? At least he ends up happy with ol’ Whompy in this one… or does he? Read to find out.

The Great Scottish Weasley Bagpipe Rollercoaster (Ron/Ron/Ron/Ron/Ron/Ron/Ron) (3rd Place)

What if Harry and Hermione have been holding Ron back all this time?

What if he finally managed to free himself from the shackles of the people he once thought were his best friends? 

What if he finds out that there are more possibilites in the wizarding world than he ever knew?

What if, in fact, Ron is the most powerful and brilliant wizard who has lived in the last six hundred years?

And what if he discovered a way to make a magical copy of himself? Actually, six magical copies of himself.

Enter the REAL saviour(s) of the wizarding world! Ron Weasleys have defeated Lord Voldemort, overseen the restoration of the Ministry of Magic, Diagon Alley, and Hogwarts, and rejected the positions of Minister of Magic, Hogwarts Headmaster, and Supreme Mugwump of the Wizengamot. All they want to do is retreat to their Highland fortress and get to know each other a little better. But will the seven Rons be satisfied with a life of bagpipes and sex, or will they also want to build a theme park?

Strap in for THE GREAT SCOTTISH WEASLEY BAGPIPE ROLLERCOASTER!

A/N THERE WILL BE MIME. Don’t like, don’t read!

The Time Traveler, Me (4th Place)

The day after his 18th birthday Harry Potter is all alone in number 12, Grimmauld Place, cleaning up the remains of the biggest party any witch or wizard had ever seen to that day. A sudden knock on his door gives him hope that at least one of his friends came to give him a hand. But when he opens the door, a surprise awaits. 

At first, he doesn’t recognize the tall, older wizard standing on his threshold. He is fit and muscly, with messy ebony hair and light green eyes. Harry gasps as he notices the lighting-shaped scar on the stranger’s forehead. 

28-year old Harry Potter has mastered time travel. He came back to 1998 to warn his younger self about a huge danger lying ahead. But young Harry shouldn’t be afraid. Future-Harry is here now, he is here to be his mentor, his friend, his... lover? 

A sweet, but adventurous story about love being able to defeat all evil, maybe even time itself. 

a/n: Stop messaging me saying this is disturbing. You knew what you were getting into!

Not Meant To Be (5th Place)

The summer that was supposed to be the best of her life turns into a nightmare when the man of her dreams leaves to marry the offspring of an established wizarding family (A/N All wizards are gay so this is background Braco). All alone in an unfamiliar city with no one to share her sorrow with, beautiful Veela-descendant Fleur de la Cour is brokenhearted. Desperately seeking distraction from her humiliation and hurt, she puts all her focus into her internship at the prestigious wizarding bank Gringotts and is relieved to find comfort in her work with the young and ambitious goblin Griphook. But is it only the endless translation of tedious correspondences between Gringotts and its French counterpart that so quickly puts her heart and mind at ease? Or is it the company of this intelligent and charming, yet mysterious goblin-gentleman who seems to be the first man to see beyond her breath-taking beauty and appreciate her for who she really is? But goblin and Veela-descendant witch? Surely not a match that was meant to be. While Fleur and Griphook both try their best to supress their unwanted emotions, a last-minute night shift under a starry night sky unexpectedly brings both their guards down just long enough to let them realise what they might be missing out on. Intrigued and overwhelmed by their undeniable attraction to each other the troubled lovers fight not only with prejudice around but also within themselves, unaware that soon the fate of their entire kinships might depend upon them.

Harnessing the Power of Love (Sirius Black/Reader) (6th Place)

It’s 1979 and the Ministry of Magic has decreed that every magical person in Britain must get married in order to increase the dwindling magical population!

As a Muggleborn, you’re horrified to discover that the Ministry has the power to force you into marriage, and even more horrified when you realise that you don’t even get to choose who your husband will be. In fact, you’re ready to strip naked and chain yourself to the fireplaces in the Ministry when a letter arrives informing you of the identity of your future spouse.

You see, what you hadn’t understood before is that the Ministry has recently developed the ability to harness the power of love itself!

In other words, every member of the magical community, including you, has been assigned a partner who is as perfect for them as a partner can possibly be. And now, in two short months, you will be wed to the man who is the perfect fit for you in every way. And honestly, when you read the name and look at the photograph, and remember him as he was in the year above you at Hogwarts, you can’t help but agree with the Ministry.

Because your future husband is none other than Sirius Black himself.

A/N I don’t own Harry Potter but I do own Sirius’s leather robes!

Colonel Fubster/SirCadogan #adventure #romance (7th Place)

A/N: I am not an artist! Don’t know how paint works; so don’t come after me on the “steamier” scenes!!  (Yes that means LEMONS)

Colonel Fubster, when watching Aunt Marges dogs one day, bends over to pick up an empty can of dog food is transported into a magical world. The students of Hogwarts are away on summer vacation so only the portraits remain to welcome him. He finds particular solace in one Sir Cadogan who guides him through the castle on his quest to get back home. But by the end of it all, will he want to go back? Or would he rather search for the mysterious Hogwarts Painter? Only he can make his dreams of being with Sir Cadogan a reality.

Summary #3 (8th Place)

A/N: my barista surprised me with a Pumpkin Spice Frappuccino in March so this is what o got from it.

Barty Crouch Jr looked around him with disgust. Why was he here, in this muggle coffee shop again? Oh right, Harry Potter frequents it and The Dark Lord asked him to find out all he could about this muggle shop. It seemed Potter was a regular and always ordered the same thing when it was available, a Pumpkin Spice Latte, Venti, 6 pumps of syrup, extra whipped cream, and cinnamon sprinkled on top. Barty felt there just be something very wrong with the Potter brat as Barty had worked at this shop for months, without disguise, and the boy never noticed him. Barty always avoided talking near the boy because he he had a very distinctive voice that would easily give away who he was even if his appearance did not appear to do so. After a few months though, Barty started to enjoy working at the coffee shop and always looked forward to when a woman came in with her obese son. She had an unusually long neck but there was just something about her that made him not be able to keep his eyes off her every time she entered the shop. He learned her name was Petunia.

Logic of Love (9th Place)
(Xenophilius Lovegood × Hermione Granger)

Distraught after the death of his wife, Xenophilius Lovegood throws himself into her old experiments. He finds hope in her illegal plans for a time travel spell, and in a desperate attempt to be with Pandora again, he attempts it. His hopes are dashed however, when instead of travelling through time, his body (and mind) suddenly deage. Left with only vague memories of what happened, Xenophilius returns to Hogwarts under a false name in an effort to regain the skill level needed to undo the spell. He turns to Hermione Granger, the brightest witch of their year (and a fellow loner), for help. Together, they must learn to work past their differences in personality and mentality to fix Xenophilius' situation, one he is increasingly starting to like. Can Hermione and Xenophilius return him to his true age, and more importantly, does he still want to?

A/N: Before anyone criticizes my writing, notice I said he deages IN MIND as well as body!!! There is only a MILD mental and physical age difference, so don’t come here and call it pedophilic in the comments! I worked hard on this, okaaaaaaay!!! Positive vibes only ~❀♡ Also Luna doesn’t exist in this AU, sorry gurl ^.~

A Voluptuous Offer (10th Place)

A/N: This story switches between the view of Neville Longbottom and the fat lady.

Again Neville had forgotten the password to the Gryffindor common room. Again he was standing in front of the fat lady like the idiot he was and again he was going to have to sleep in the hallway until someone came around to relieve him from his pathetic fate. The fat lady wasn ́t all that upset about the cute boy forgetting the password once again. She could have let him in – by now she knew him well enough. Not even polyjuice potion could fake that adorable smile of his. But she simply enjoyed his company and had even been flirting with him a bit. Sadly he hadn ́t noticed but she would teach him alright. And today she was going to make him an offer she hoped he wouldn’t refuse.

The Key To Your Heart (Rubeus Hagrid/ Lord Voldemort) (11th Place)

Dumbledore is dead. Voldemort is slowly but surely taking over Wizarding Britain. Hogwarts is now a place filled with fear and torture, and Harry Potter is on the run with his friends. Hagrid knows that he can’t wait any longer to act.

Because there’s something that nobody knows. Something Hagrid has kept a secret. It’s because he was ashamed, terrified, and yes, a little bit exhilarated. It’s this: when he was in his third year, he fell in love with a handsome, charming, powerful young man called Tom Riddle. And when he was fifteen, after he’d come back to become apprentice gamekeeper, Tom Riddle fell in love with him in return.

They say that Voldemort can’t love, that he only cares about power and eternal life, but Hagrid knows it isn’t true. They’ve been separated for over fifty years, but perhaps, just perhaps, Hagrid still has the power to unlock Voldemort’s heart.

To save the world.

A/N This is going to be super super angsty but just wait until you get to the scene where it’s Voldy’s birthday

A Touch of Magic - But No More! (12th Place)
(Argus Filch × Vernon Dursley)

After Vernon and Petunia’s nasty divorce, the reliability of the blood magic protecting Number 4 Privet Drive is under question. To protect Harry and the Dursleys, Dumbledore whisks them away to Hogwarts during the summer holidays. While it’s a paradise for Harry, who is able to avoid them all, it is a torture for the Dursleys. It is also a torture for Argus Filch, who is forced to stay at Hogwarts and continue to look after it during the broken family’s stay. Vernon Dursley, who had only come to Hogwarts to stay close to Dudley, finds himself trying to evade Petunia’s vicious gaze. As a result, Vernon is in want of company, and although he hates magic, he is intrigued by Argus, a wizard who seemingly hates his own kind. Enamoured by Argus’ brutal punishment methods (the shackles in his office are truly top of the line), Vernon is increasingly drawn to the man. Argus, in turn, finds himself curious of Vernon, a man much like himself despite being raised in two different societies. Can Argus learn to accept his low-magical ability through the wisdom of a Muggle, and can Vernon learn to hate magic just a little bit less? Will their relationship be the best the universe has ever seen… or will it spiral into inevitable disaster? Only time will tell.

A/N: I just love the idea of these two terrible, violent men facing off in some way. Ugh they would be the worst enablers, but just imagine the sexual tension (☉｡☉)

Summary #1 (Flitwick/McGonagall/Trelawney) (13th Place)

Filius Flitwick is charming. Minerva McGonagall is transfixing. Sybill Trelawney hasn’t the foggiest how she got into this situation. In all her glimpses of the future, she had not once seen herself with either of them. Let alone both. And to make it all worse, Dumbledore divined the whole situation. And now he won’t stop spilling the tea to everyone. Even students. So now Minerva is being all catty about it, and Filius’ temper is getting short. For Sybill, things have never looked more grim.

A/N: I know, I know. Minnie and Sybs would never be together. But, isn’t it funny to think about? Lol.Sorry not sorry for all the puns! No flames, please.

Harry, Broomshed, McClaggen (14th Place)

McClaggen has a secret obsession with brooms that Harry is about to learn of…..from the Broomshed? As Harry prepares for Quidditch practice, the Broomshed has a heart-to-heart with him. Later, McClaggen and Harry both ‘mount up’ for some good, clean, wholesome, fun. (A/N: I sent Harry to the Broomshed in my first fic to setup him with Oliver later, but then I remembered about McClaggen’s obsession with the place so….) Pairing: Harry/McClaggen

Two Worlds Collide (15th Place)

During Harry Potter’s and Draco Malfoy’s wedding, something unexpected happens.While all the guests are waiting for the grooms to arrive, the two boys suddenly disappear without a trace! Feeling both panicked and shocked divorced Vernon Dursley and young widowed Narcissa Malfoy decide to join forces to find them! In this strange quest, they will come across dragons, trolls, werewolves, and...a new start-up struggling to fill its tax return(?).

Their journey beholds many dangers and will out feelings that no one knew existed. Narcissa and Vernon will finally find their loved ones, but will they lose themselves in the process?

a/n: Vernon’s redemption arc. Petunia sucks!